Are you a honey or vinegar parent?

July 11, 2010

Project Manager Series:

Are you a honey parent or vinegar parent?

As special needs parents we ask a lot of our child's school and rightfully so.

But how much do we give back? In our last article from our Project Manager

series, we had you put on a hard hat for special education. Now we ask you to go

deep in the school trenches and find out what your team needs. Helping out in

big and small ways can earn you respect from both school staff and

administration. Plus it has the extra benefit of teachers who would like to

return the favor and help you.

by Dawn Villarreal, One Place for Special Needs, July 2010

Tale of two managers

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at two managers. The adversarial project

manager dictates and demands. This creates a stressful work environment with a

manager who is never pleased. These employees will get the job done but only the

bare minimum. No one will go out of his or her way to help this manager.

The helpful project manager takes time to listen and support his team members.

Workers in this environment will want to do their best because they genuinely

like their manager. They’ll go above and beyond expectations because the helpful

manager has shown he cares.

Now consider two special needs children in the same school—one with an

adversarial parent and the other with a helpful parent. The job of teaching your

child will be done. But for school staff, one will be a HAVE to do while the

other will be a WANT to do. Which teacher is more likely to go the extra

mile—the one with a confrontational parent or a caring parent? I think you know

the answer.

Transference

What we are talking about is transference. The process by which emotions and

desires originally associated with one person are unconsciously shifted to

another person. As parents, we cannot underestimate the effect that our positive

and negative actions have on the desire of school staff wanting to work with us

as well as our child. Another way to look at this is the very old and popular

adage, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

So how to become a “honey” parent? First, remember that true giving means not

expecting anything in return. Going in with the attitude of, “If I do this, I

expect that” is no different than being an adversarial project manager.

All schools need help. State budgets have been slashed. School districts are

owed millions of dollars that aren’t coming. Teachers are given little if any

stipend to turn four white walls into a warm and inviting learning environment.

Decide on your strengths and how much time you can give. Then offer your

assistance.

Help your child’s teacher or school in a small way

Ask your teacher if she can use extra school supplies. There will always be a

use for Kleenix, sanitizer or pencils.

If your school has a book fair, get your teacher’s wish list and purchase a book

or two for the classroom.

Pick up a kid friendly book about your child’s disability for the classroom.

Purchase a book that can assist your teacher in understanding your child’s

disability.

Some schools are hot in August and September. Purchase a cheap oscillating fan

to cool both kids and teacher.

Doing a little Spring cleaning? Before you discard or give your used items to

charity, think about what items school staff can use. Send them an email to see

if you can drop it off in their room or leave in the teacher’s lounge for all

teachers. Remember to put a note that says, Donated by (your child’s name).

Here are some donation suggestions:

Teachers – board games, dollhouse, pretend clothes, pretend kitchen and food

items, markers, crayons, construction paper, books

Special ed teacher – disability books, board games, fidget items, calming

room items

SLP – board games that encourage talking, conversation and categorizing

Social worker – board games that encourage cooperation and conversation

OT – Legos, Play-doh, Lite Brite, small items that can be put together (e.g.

screws and washers), shirt with buttons, belt

Art teacher – just about anything! Craft items, paper towel rolls, paints,

poster board, magazines, etc.

Music teacher – any musical items

Social studies teacher – cultural themed item

Help your child’s teacher or school in a big way

Some schools encourage parent helpers. If this is not done in your school, you

can ask a teacher if you can assist her for two hours. She can write a list of

tasks such as prepping materials for a class project, changing out a hallway

bulletin board and even helping out with circle time activities. While you are

there for the teacher, it’s also a nice opportunity to view how your child is

doing in the classroom.

If you can’t help out in school, you can always ask if there’s a project you can

do at home and return. If you’re good at modifying homework for your child, you

might consider making your own modified worksheets for weekly Dolch words,

highlighted reading vocabulary or math facts. These can be emailed to your

support teacher who can use them for years to come.

Use your special skills

Are you a handy person? Consider creating a book nook for the school library or

a reading loft for a classroom. If you are a painter, you might consider

painting a common area or doing a mural. If you are a gardener, the next time

you are separating plants, you might offer to plant the extras at your school.

This type of work usually takes place in the summer. It’s a perfect way to have

your child help out while also acclimating him to the school. Depending on the

project, teachers and even the principal stop by to say hi and spend some one on

one time with you or your child. And it’s also a nice conversation starter and

point of pride when your child can express to classmates, “My dad made this.” or

“My mom planted these flowers.”

Here’s an example: I took a bland library reading nook and turned it into a

rainforest ranger station with some leftover paint, my art skills and a few

jungle accessories I no longer needed. The students loved it and it’s even been

used as a sensory break area.

reading nook before reading nook after

Like taking pictures?

If you are a photographer, you might offer to take photos of the student clubs

or class parties for yearbook. Your child will make it in yearbook for sure! If

you would like more opportunities to view your child in the classroom while

helping out, you might consider one of these ideas.

Get your teacher on board to create a picture calendar or keepsake book for each

student. Bring in a prop to represent each month (e.g. American flag backdrop

for July, paper snowflakes and knit cap for December). Come in and take a photo

of each child once or twice a month. At the end of the school year the kids have

a gift for dad on Father’s day; a fun keepsake book or calendar.

Teacher garage sale

Having a garage sale this summer? Send an email to the teachers at your local

school and tell them some sale items you think they might like. Offer 50% off

for teachers. You can be extra generous by giving them a time to come by after

your sale ends and let them take remaining items for free. You didn’t want to

bring those items back in the house anyway!

Volunteer

Many schools can’t afford enough administrative staff. Volunteer to help out in

the front office for a few hours. This gives you a chance to say hi and be seen

by all the staff at the school.

There are myriad ways to help out at school. Giving makes you feel good about

yourself. School staff also feel good about you. And that’s a good position to

be in when you want to suggest an accommodation or ask a teacher to do a little

more for your child. Chances are they will want to help you too.

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