How do you tell your child that they have autism?

[Guest guest]

How do you tell your child that they have autism?

I've become hooked on the series Parenthood on NBC, a show that includes an

ongoing story line in which parents Adam ( Krause) and Krisina Braverman

( Potter) deal with their son Max's autism. Max is 9 years old and has

Asperger Syndrome, often considered a high functioning form of autism but still

very difficult to cope with.

In the latest episode, Max's dad wanders into an support group meeting and

reveals his fear of having to tell his son he has Asperger syndrome, and I was

reminded of the many years that my husband and I wrestled with the same gut

wrenching worry.

We did our best to protect from hearing about his differences, but words

like " autistic " , " special " " handicap " and " different " were mentioned casually in

his presence by so many, to which he would yell " I'm not special! I'm regular

just like my brothers! " in response. It was simply heartbreaking.

This week the Interactive Autism Project (IAN) published this excellentTHIS

article with tips about tell a child about their diagnosis.

I don't remember the first time that I explained to that he had autism,

but I remember one of our most successful conversations on the topic. He was 15

years old, and he asked where his brothers Andy and were.

" They are with their friends. " I said.

" Why are they good at friends and I'm not? " cried, " is it because I'm

autistic? "

" Everyone in this family has different things that they are good at, and other

things they are not so good at. " I said.

" Andy is pretty good at making friends but he's not good with lawn mowers. I

don't think he even knows how to start one!

is good at skateboarding, but he isn't good at eating vegetables. You have

a hard time learning how to be a friend, but you are really good at gardening

and making jokes. You know what I mean? "

I waited for to process my explanation, feeling as if I had just

completed a marathon. After a long pause, a mischievous smile spread over

's face.

" How funny is it that Andy can't start a lawnmower? " he said.

" Really funny, " I sighed.

Are you worried about how to talk about your child diagnosis? is 24

years old, so I've worried longer than you and this is what I have learned:

1) You need to process your child's diagnosis first. Don't expect yourself to be

able to talk about it intelligently and unemotionally. I still get tongue tied

when people ask me to explain autism.

2) Brace yourself for questions from friends, family, acquaintances and the

woman in line at the post office who knows all about autism because her

brother's girlfriend's cousins step-son has " it " . Use answers like " We are still

trying to figure things out, " or for unsolicited advice, a gracious " thank you, "

works well.

3) Talking about autism with your child doesn't need to be like THE talk. Share

information about the diagnosis little by little(keeping it simple) and in a

matter of fact way, " We're going to the speech therapist to learn some cool

tricks for play dates, " and my favorite " I'm not sure why some things are so

hard for you, but I think you are wonderful, and I'm so lucky to be your mom. "

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