Workshop leader shares strategies to 'Stop the Meanness, Spread the Kindness.'

[Guest guest]

'Bully-Proofing' Tactics from Birmingham Trainer Change Lives

Workshop leader shares strategies to 'Stop the Meanness, Spread the Kindness.'

Kimber Bishop-Yanke knows what it's like to be bullied daily at school, even

though she's a former high school class president who never was a target

herself. Her insights come from conversations with hundreds of youngsters and

discussions with thousands of parents, educators and students.

The painful stories and effective remedies Bishop-Yanke recommends have made the

Birmingham public speaker a nationally recognized specialist in childhood

aggression and what she calls " toxic behavior. "

" General meanness is a bigger problem than bullying, which refers to repetitive

physical, verbal or nonverbal aggression, " says the local mother, who in 1999

started offering esteem-building activities originally aimed at young women.

" Most kids deal with everyday meanness, " such as taunting, exclusion, dirty

looks, being told " shut up. "

Her business, originally run from home and called Girls Empowered— " because I'm

a girl, " —later added a Boys Empowered offshoot and has expanded into a

year-long series of school presentations, parent workshops, teacher training,

community programs, conferences and other appearances throughout Metro Detroit

and beyond.

Upcoming sessions at The Community House include three 90-minute " Assertiveness

Boot Camps " Jan. 26-27, while other events—such as Girl Scout programs and

summer camps—involve social worker a Yaker of Bloomfield HIll, couselor

Fitzsimonds of Utica Community Schools, yoga and fitness trainers and

dance instructors.

As for 2010, more than 320 events filled the team's calendar, a year that also

brought a new name—Kids Empowered Coaching and Counseling Center—and a suite

at 640 North Old Woodward since November. Associates contributing expertise for

one-on-one discussions include Drew Yanke, a licensed psychotherapist and the

founder's spouse.

Passion that's contagious

The former " shy and quiet girl, " as Bishop-Yanke describes herself, now is a

dynamic, compelling speaker who empowers audiences of all ages with methodical,

proven tactics to express self-esteem, set boundaries and deal with harassment.

She uses slides, smiles, success stories and a get-this-now style that's a model

of how shy and quiet kids can avoid becoming prey.

" Bullies don't want to target someone who stands up, " she explains with

contagious passion. " And that doesn't mean hitting back, though some parents

still teach that. "

Instead, " bully-proofing " starts with these steps:

* Confident body language — chin up, direct eye contact, standing tall

with " Sponge Bob square shoulders "

* Strong voice — learning to say no, stop, can't do that

* Telling an adult after trying three times to stand up for yourself

* Not being a silent bystander — show courage, speak up ( " we don't do that

here " ), report misbehavior

" The power is in the group, " Bishop-Yanke tells kids, describing how dolphins

encircle a member targeted by a shark. " We need to throw out the word

'tattletale' and teach children that they're part of a community where no one

can be a bystander to cruelty. "

For parents and educators, another real-world reminder — suicides of bullied

students — adds urgency to the search for remedies.

Admirers include Kinetic of Bloomfield Hills, who says: " With all the

cultural and societal challenges our children face, we are lucky to have

something like this in our backyard. "

National scope

Messages about confidence, social skills and dealing with aggression were heard

last year in Birmingham, Bloomfield Hills, Huntington Woods, Novi, Rochester,

lin, Grosse Pointe Farms and as far as Indiana and Kentucky. Earlier

presentations were in Toronto, Texas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and New York.

Bishop-Yanke — " Miss Kimber " to kids — has lived in Birmingham since 2002

and shares her knowledge annually at The Community House. " Kimber has been

offering her teasing and bullying workshops for 12 years, " says Peggy Kerr,

director of programs. " Unfortunately, the need is growing for these types of

hands-on workshops. "

The Assertiveness Boot Camps will be split by age and gender and includes moms

or dads. " It's up to parents to be a part of the change, " Kerr said. " Parents

will feel more confident about how their kids will be able to handle a

situation, and both kids and parents will have the tools they need to make

better decisions when conflict or bullying occurs. "

In March, Bishop-Yanke co-presents a two-hour Community House workshop to help

coaches, teachers and scout leaders learn to " manage the mean-spirited behavior

in their teams " and " motivate children with words that will empower and not

wound. "

Helping families avoid emotional wounds, as well as the rarer physical ones,

wasn't a core part of Girls Empowered during its infancy more than a decade ago

in Berkley. " I didn't think about bullying then, " recalls Bishop-Yanke, whose

confidence-shaping focus dealt with body image, nutrition and career

possibilities without borders.

Change of direction

Her click moment came in during her second year when she asked a group of girls

how many had been bullied and most hands rose. " How many of you got it to stop? "

she asked next, drawing just three hands. " That's when I first realized all

these kids have been told to walk away and ignore name-calling or other

bullying, " she says. " A counselor who was there told me later, 'That's what I've

been taught to say my whole career.' "

More recently, according to Bishop-Yanke, a teacher at a Birmingham

Bloomfield Families in Action event acknowledged: " I never had a professional

development class telling me how to deal with bullying. "

Engagement trumps escapism, in the 44-year-old trainer's view. " Kids are taught

that conflict is bad. But they shouldn't pretend they don't care, " she stresses.

" They should get comfortable with being uncomfortable. They should show they

care enough about themselves to stand up " by speaking to a harasser, as well as

a teacher and parent after three attempts to end annoying behavior.

Adults can benefit from assertiveness training as well. " Parents don't know how

to ask for what they want, how to advocate for their child, " according to the

empowerment counselor. " They don't take ownership of a problem. ... I tell moms

to tell the teacher: 'This is what's happening. How can we deal with it? "

She also recommends calls to parents of students behind cyber-bullying,

suggesting an approach such as: " This is what's posted on your child's Facebook

page. Please have it removed. " She adds: " It's important not to be accusatory or

antagonistic. "

Social media, anti-hunger crusades

Though she works with some school systems, such as the Novi Community School

District, Bishop-Yanke believes other education administrators contribute to " a

culture of avoidance " by lacking a coherent anti-bullying approach.

" Character education is left up to each teacher. Districts should set a vision

for a consistent philosophy and training, " she said. " We need a common

understanding and language in each school district. "

That idea led the counselor-crusader to start the Facebook group, " Stop the

Meanness, Spread the Kindness, " with a bold call to action: " I am looking to

start a movement in which we are no longer bystanders to the bullying,

relational aggression and daily acts of meanness that are happening to our

children. "

The suburban parent also is wrapping up a self-published book, 101 Ways to

Bully-Proof Your Child, and an instructional video — both scheduled for

release in February. But wait, there's more: Bishop-Yanke coordinated a

 Luther King, Jr. Day food drive and hunger workshops at Groves

High School with Birmingham Public Schools, Kensington Community

Church and a national Kids Against Hunger group.

" This is part of building self-esteem and confidence by making a difference, "

she explains. " I tell kids, you have to earn it. "