time for a laugh

[Guest guest]

Flight Attendants Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the

in-flight " safety lecture " and their other announcements a bit more

entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or

reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very " senior " flight attendant crew,

the pilot said, " Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude

and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort

and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "

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On landing, the stewardess said, " Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have. "

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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways

out of this airplane " .

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" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. "

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Reagan, a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: " Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a

flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, " Please take care

when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like

that, sure as hell everything has shifted. "

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From a Southwest Airlines employee: " Welcome aboard Southwest Flight

245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the

buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,

if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in

public unsupervised.

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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one

small child, pick your favorite.

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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "

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Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments.

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Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.

Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting

children .... Or other adults acting like children. "

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As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. "

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: " Delta airlines is

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight! "

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt

Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, " That

was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell

you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it

wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt. "

*********************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard

landing, the Flight Attendant said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to

Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate! "

**************************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

" We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal. "

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a " Thanks for flying our airline. " He

said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart

comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady

walking with a cane. She said, " Sir, do you mind if I ask you a

question? " " Why, no, Ma'am, " said the pilot. " What is it? " The little

old lady said, " Did we land, or were we shot down? "

*******************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant

came on with, " Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until

Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching

halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the

warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your

way through the wreckage to the terminal. "

*************************************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: " We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways. "