Re: Won't take no for an answer...

April 3, 2007

Barbara,

When you find out let me know!

My DS who is 5 does this - I really think he believes I will give in,

especially if he cries and whines. I guess when he was younger I must have

done

that a few times so now he must think he can make me give in. unfortunately

for him, what he did when he was 2 or 3 that I gave into is not the same thing

as now.

I think to an extent it is normal behavior but our little sweeties carry it

to the inth degree just like everything else they do.

Holly

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

April 3, 2007

In a message dated 4/3/2007 8:30:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

lizs.1234@... writes:

> My husband & I have said he'll make a great lawyer some day because of this

We say that all the time, too! LOL! Either that or a politician, he just

grinds you down with that persistence and refusal to accept your answer.

My NT daughter will try, but like most kids, she knows when to back off and

get over it, and when to pout to see if she can get away with it.

Barbara

April 3, 2007

I'm absolutely new here, new on all of this... We suspect at the

moment, that my soon to be 7 year old daughter has Asperger's or ADHD

or SOMETHING. Something is definitely " up " .. and the more I hear of

all your stories the more I " m saying yep, that's her. has a

really hard time accepting " NO " for an answer and it's always left me

wondering if it was just age related or personality related but I'm

thinking not. She's going for a lengthy evaluation sometime soon,

which my parents have offered to pay for, thank goodness. Up 'til

this point we haven't gotten very far with the school or others. I'm

really in the dark about all of the signs and symptoms. Do you all

have a list someplace? LOL, is it ever that easy??

I feel your frustration Barbara,

Marcia

On Apr 3, 2007, at 6:42 PM, CyberMommyLJA@... wrote:

> DS has not yet learned, after 12 long years, that NO means just

> that, NO.

>

> I have rarely, if ever, given in to the no even if it meant long

> drawn out

> battles, and he still persists in asking for things, or privileges,

> or whatever,

> even after I've told him no a thousand times (at least it seems

> that way.)

> Is this a game, does he actually think I'll change the rules, or is

> he truly so

> clueless he thinks I'll give in?

>

> In total frustration,

> Barbara

>

April 3, 2007

My son is the same way...and he is 14. Unfortunately, I did used to give in to

him because I was a single mom and it was much easier to finally give in than to

argue incessantly about everything...now I have tried to start buckling down and

he bucks...he still argues...he stomps...he yells...he tries to ignore me...but

eventually I win...most of the time, though, the struggle remains...

And you are right...I try to explain some of my issues to people and they tell

me that he acts like a normal teenager...lol...I tell them he is a normal

teenager times 50...he carries everything on forever...

I am so glad that I am not alone...

Tami

hfmbears@... wrote: Barbara,

When you find out let me know!

My DS who is 5 does this - I really think he believes I will give in,

especially if he cries and whines. I guess when he was younger I must have

done

that a few times so now he must think he can make me give in. unfortunately

for him, what he did when he was 2 or 3 that I gave into is not the same thing

as now.

I think to an extent it is normal behavior but our little sweeties carry it

to the inth degree just like everything else they do.

Holly

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

April 3, 2007

I was hoping the same would pass with my son as he gets older. He does the same

thing and is 7. It gets on my nerves like nothing else can! Like you son,

mine cannot stop with NO, not ever. My husband & I have said he'll make a great

lawyer some day because of this. Who knows, maybe something good will come from

their persistent personalities.

But I definitely share and sympathize with your frustration on this one!

Liz

Houston

CyberMommyLJA@... wrote:

DS has not yet learned, after 12 long years, that NO means just that,

NO.

I have rarely, if ever, given in to the no even if it meant long drawn out

battles, and he still persists in asking for things, or privileges, or whatever,

even after I've told him no a thousand times (at least it seems that way.)

Is this a game, does he actually think I'll change the rules, or is he truly so

clueless he thinks I'll give in?

In total frustration,

Barbara

April 3, 2007

The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to stop

the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3 times. Then,

the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do you

remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not discuss

this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they keep

asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would like

to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this subject is

closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it will

cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get that not

taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging. The

fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for you both.

We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year now...)

Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How many times

are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

April 3, 2007

Along a similar line, do any of your kids bombard you with questions?

My daughter will ask something so quickly and about a gazillion times

before I even can catch a lung full of air to answer her.

I have to constantly remind her to only ask something ONCE and then

WAIT for an answer. It's like she's badgering me with the question

before I can possibly respond.

Newbie Marcia

On Apr 3, 2007, at 9:23 PM, wrote:

> The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to stop

> the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3 times.

> Then,

> the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do you

> remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not discuss

> this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they keep

> asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would like

> to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this subject is

> closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it will

> cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get that

> not

> taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging. The

> fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for you

> both.

>

> We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year now...)

> Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How many

> times

> are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

>

April 4, 2007

does the same thing. Even if I say yes, she keeps asking me

sometimes! It's very strange, and I have no clue why she does it, but

what often works is I say, " If you ask me that one more time I'm

going to considerate it disrespect, and you can go to your room. "

Meira

>

> DS has not yet learned, after 12 long years, that NO means just

that, NO.

>

> I have rarely, if ever, given in to the no even if it meant long

drawn out

> battles, and he still persists in asking for things, or privileges,

or whatever,

> even after I've told him no a thousand times (at least it seems

that way.)

> Is this a game, does he actually think I'll change the rules, or is

he truly so

> clueless he thinks I'll give in?

>

> In total frustration,

> Barbara

>

April 4, 2007

Oh me too me too!!!! Only fill in " pre-teen " .

Meira

> And you are right...I try to explain some of my issues to people and

they tell me that he acts like a normal teenager...lol...I tell them he

is a normal teenager times 50...he carries everything on forever...

April 4, 2007

Ah yes, That's it exactly!!! Peseveration.... One of the key symptoms

of Asperger's. That's exactly why they do it! Thank you for causing

the light bulb to go off in my head!!!!

LOL

Meira

> DS has not yet learned, after 12 long years, that NO

means just that, NO.

>

> I have rarely, if ever, given in to the no even if it meant long

drawn out

> battles, and he still persists in asking for things, or privileges,

or whatever,

> even after I've told him no a thousand times (at least it seems

that way.)

> Is this a game, does he actually think I'll change the rules, or is

he truly so

> clueless he thinks I'll give in?

>

> In total frustration,

> Barbara

>

April 4, 2007

Yep.

=)

Meira

>

> > The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to

stop

> > the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3

times.

> > Then,

> > the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do

you

> > remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not

discuss

> > this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they

keep

> > asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would

like

> > to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this

subject is

> > closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it

will

> > cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get

that

> > not

> > taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging.

The

> > fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for

you

> > both.

> >

> > We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year

now...)

> > Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How

many

> > times

> > are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

> >

April 4, 2007

Hi All,

I just got this from my sister and thought it may be of some help for you as

well :-)

- C.

Mom to Cassie 16 PCOS, Austin 14 ADHD and a 3.5 HFA/AS & SPD/SID

> When Ultimatums Don't Work

> From Terri Mauro,

> Your Guide to Parenting Special Needs.

> FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!

> Helping Impulsive, Stressed, Perseverating Kids Behave

> If you have an impulsive child, a child who can't handle stress, or a

> child who perseverates on phrases and activities once they're put " in the

> pipeline, " one of the worst things you can say is, " If you do that one

> more time, you'll be punished. " You may find that your child will be

> irresistibly drawn to do just that, at once -- whether because you've set

> an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of waiting for

> the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've said. Yet

> sometimes, an ultimatum seems to be what's called for; you can't just let

> behavior go on forever, yet you don't want to deal the consequence without

> giving your child a chance.

>

> Instead of specifying one more time, try saying something along the lines

> of, " I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to know

> what that number is. But when you hit that number, you will get a

> consequence. " This allows you to give your child extra chances if he seems

> to be trying without going back on a threat, and gives your child a little

> comfort zone to know that he can slip once or twice. Some kids will

> dislike the uncertainty of it, and for them, this might not be the best

> technique. But if certainty is more pressure than your child can handle,

> it may just do the trick.

>

> urther stressed just inflames the situation, and ultimately makes it

> harder for your child to achiever her goal: regaining composure so that

> her own brain can reach the right decision

Re: ( ) Re: Won't take no for an answer...

Along a similar line, do any of your kids bombard you with questions?

My daughter will ask something so quickly and about a gazillion times

before I even can catch a lung full of air to answer her.

I have to constantly remind her to only ask something ONCE and then

WAIT for an answer. It's like she's badgering me with the question

before I can possibly respond.

Newbie Marcia

On Apr 3, 2007, at 9:23 PM, wrote:

> The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to stop

> the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3 times.

> Then,

> the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do you

> remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not discuss

> this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they keep

> asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would like

> to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this subject is

> closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it will

> cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get that

> not

> taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging. The

> fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for you

> both.

>

> We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year now...)

> Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How many

> times

> are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

>

April 4, 2007

So you wouldn't classify this as " normal " childhood behavior? I still

don't have a diagnosis so I'm probably still living in the " this

isn't really happening " phase.

Marcia

On Apr 4, 2007, at 10:21 AM, meiraharvey wrote:

> Yep.

> =)

>

> Meira

>

>>

>>> The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to

> stop

>>> the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3

> times.

>>> Then,

>>> the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do

> you

>>> remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not

> discuss

>>> this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they

> keep

>>> asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would

> like

>>> to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this

> subject is

>>> closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it

> will

>>> cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get

> that

>>> not

>>> taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging.

> The

>>> fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for

> you

>>> both.

>>>

>>> We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year

> now...)

>>> Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How

> many

>>> times

>>> are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

>>>

April 4, 2007

Along the same line I tell my daughter if she asks me one more time

(or more than once) she definitely WILL NOT get whatever she's after.

That usually works, but I have to remind her EVERY time.

What can any of you tell me about AS or Tourette's syndrome? Are they

genetically linked at all? Though he was never medically diagnosed,

I'm 100% certain that my brother has a mild form or tourette's

syndrome. I'm trying to grasp where any of this is coming from. As a

child he was VERY argumentative and was very mean to me (his younger

sister). As adults he won't even speak to me.

Marcia

On Apr 4, 2007, at 9:06 AM, meiraharvey wrote:

> does the same thing. Even if I say yes, she keeps asking me

> sometimes! It's very strange, and I have no clue why she does it, but

> what often works is I say, " If you ask me that one more time I'm

> going to considerate it disrespect, and you can go to your room. "

> Meira

>

>>

>> DS has not yet learned, after 12 long years, that NO means just

> that, NO.

>>

>> I have rarely, if ever, given in to the no even if it meant long

> drawn out

>> battles, and he still persists in asking for things, or privileges,

> or whatever,

>> even after I've told him no a thousand times (at least it seems

> that way.)

>> Is this a game, does he actually think I'll change the rules, or is

> he truly so

>> clueless he thinks I'll give in?

>>

>> In total frustration,

>> Barbara

>>

April 4, 2007

Oooo I LIKE that!!! I'm going to TRY to remember to use this

technique, it may work with her.

Thanks,

Marcia

On Apr 4, 2007, at 12:17 PM, The s wrote:

> Hi All,

> I just got this from my sister and thought it may be of some help

> for you as well :-)

> - C.

> Mom to Cassie 16 PCOS, Austin 14 ADHD and a 3.5 HFA/AS & SPD/SID

>

>> When Ultimatums Don't Work

>> From Terri Mauro,

>> Your Guide to Parenting Special Needs.

>> FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!

>> Helping Impulsive, Stressed, Perseverating Kids Behave

>

>> If you have an impulsive child, a child who can't handle stress, or a

>> child who perseverates on phrases and activities once they're put

>> " in the

>> pipeline, " one of the worst things you can say is, " If you do that

>> one

>> more time, you'll be punished. " You may find that your child will be

>> irresistibly drawn to do just that, at once -- whether because

>> you've set

>> an impulse in motion, because he can't deal with the stress of

>> waiting for

>> the other shoe to drop, or because he gets stuck on what you've

>> said. Yet

>> sometimes, an ultimatum seems to be what's called for; you can't

>> just let

>> behavior go on forever, yet you don't want to deal the consequence

>> without

>> giving your child a chance.

>>

>> Instead of specifying one more time, try saying something along

>> the lines

>> of, " I have a number of times in my head, and you're not going to

>> know

>> what that number is. But when you hit that number, you will get a

>> consequence. " This allows you to give your child extra chances if

>> he seems

>> to be trying without going back on a threat, and gives your child

>> a little

>> comfort zone to know that he can slip once or twice. Some kids will

>> dislike the uncertainty of it, and for them, this might not be the

>> best

>> technique. But if certainty is more pressure than your child can

>> handle,

>> it may just do the trick.

>>

>> urther stressed just inflames the situation, and ultimately makes it

>> harder for your child to achiever her goal: regaining composure so

>> that

>> her own brain can reach the right decision

> Re: ( ) Re: Won't take no for an answer...

>

> Along a similar line, do any of your kids bombard you with

> questions?

> My daughter will ask something so quickly and about a gazillion

> times

> before I even can catch a lung full of air to answer her.

> I have to constantly remind her to only ask something ONCE and then

> WAIT for an answer. It's like she's badgering me with the question

> before I can possibly respond.

>

> Newbie Marcia

>

> On Apr 3, 2007, at 9:23 PM, wrote:

>

>> The best thing to do is stop engaging. You have to be the one to stop

>> the back and forth, cause the child won't. Answer maybe, 3 times.

>> Then,

>> the next time he asks, say " I already answered that question. Do you

>> remember what I said? " Make him tell you. Then say, I will not

>> discuss

>> this anymore. And DON'T. Just either don't say anything when they

>> keep

>> asking or say, " I will not talk about that with you, if you would

>> like

>> to have a different conversation, we can do that, but this subject is

>> closed. " Then don't say anything more about it. It's hard, and it

>> will

>> cause some meltdowns, but in the end, it's the only way to get that

>> not

>> taking no behavior to stop. YOU as the parent must stop engaging. The

>> fact that you respond over and over is continuing the cycle for you

>> both.

>>

>> We've done the same thing with our 6 year old (for over a year

>> now...)

>> Now, when he asks a second or third time, I say to him, " How many

>> times

>> are you allowed to ask? " and he replies " One. " and sulks away.

>>

April 4, 2007

In a message dated 4/4/2007 9:07:12 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

meira-harvey@... writes:

> " If you ask me that one more time I'm

> going to considerate it disrespect, and you can go to your room. "

I like that.

But what do you tell the kid who calls you on your cell as you're waiting to

pick up his sister from her school, to ask you, for the gazillionth time, " can

I go to Mike's house instead of your picking me up at school, " even though he

knows that there are no play dates on school days. It's April, should he not

have figured this out by now?

April 4, 2007

In a message dated 4/4/2007 7:44:37 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

marciart@... writes:

> So you wouldn't classify this as " normal " childhood behavior?

>

I think all kids ask for stuff, but they do it to test, like maybe Mom really

will let me eat Oreos for breakfast, and will buy me that awesome game

system, and not make me go to school so I can play with it. They know they won't

get

it but ask, maybe to see the reaction, or maybe just in case. They may pout

or whine, but they don't go overboard and badger you to no end, actually

picking a fight with you.

Welcome to Aspie-ville, where I swear it's a game they play, because they

cannot possibly think you'll give in...or do they?

Barbara

April 4, 2007

Very interesting.....I'm trying it!

Thanks,

Liz

The s <carters5@...> wrote: