violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

[Guest guest]

I am new to this group. My seven year old son was diagnosed with

aspects of Aspergers,ADHD and dyspraxia about 4 months ago but I am

fighting for a full diagnosis as I know he has it fully. The main

problem I am struggling to cope with is the violent outbursts. He has

bitten,kicked,slapped,pinched and punched me and I have been left with

marks, he has also broken off a table leg and come with me at it in the

past. He is very sorry afterwards but when he gets frustrated he just

loses it and wants to hurt me.His teacher is no help. I am going to a

course for parents with children with Aspergers at the local hospital

but as a single mum with an unsupportive family it is getting all too

much. How do others come with the outbursts?

[Guest guest]

>

> I am new to this group. My seven year old son was diagnosed with

> aspects of Aspergers,ADHD and dyspraxia about 4 months ago but I am

> fighting for a full diagnosis as I know he has it fully. The main

> problem I am struggling to cope with is the violent outbursts. He has

> bitten,kicked,slapped,pinched and punched me and I have been left with

> marks, he has also broken off a table leg and come with me at it in the

> past. He is very sorry afterwards but when he gets frustrated he just

> loses it and wants to hurt me.His teacher is no help. I am going to a

> course for parents with children with Aspergers at the local hospital

> but as a single mum with an unsupportive family it is getting all too

> much. How do others come with the outbursts?

Are there identifiable triggers that seem to precede the outbursts? Does he

seem mad at

you, or just mad in general and you are in his path?

Does he come out swinging, or can you sense some lesser signs that he is

becoming

upset?

What do you do/others do when he is in violence mode?

How often does this happen?

Is he on medication? (Not that he should or shouldn't be, just for reference.)

Jackie

[Guest guest]

> How do others come with the outbursts?

My tack for several years has been to isolate my son (now 13) so he

can self-calm himself without any distractions. I don't talk to him

(just aggravates him all the more), but lead him to his room and close

the door. Nobody talks to him for 15 minutes. I check him every 15

minutes to see if he is functional yet. If so, I let him go back to

whatever he was doing without any fuss. He still has outbursts, after

all he is AS, but he usually gets to the point of functionality within

15 minutes now. Sometimes he'll seek out getting off by himself when

he is overly upset, but he's just getting to where he can manage

figuring out when that is appropriate once in awhile. I got this

idea partly from a parenting book for strong-willed children and

partly because they did something very similar with him at school in

early elementary. When he started crying, they would put him out in

the hallway so he could get himself together in private.

Of course, different things work with different kids. This works with

my son because he is not physical, not destructive and doesn't run

away when put somewhere. His outbursts are all very verbal, not

necessarily words, mind you.

Another thing, as another person mentioned, is figuring out what his

triggers are and avoiding them. This is where parenting an AS child

differs from the norm. Sometimes you have to let the child's

disabilities decide the rules until they learn coping skills.

Hope this helps.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Hi ,Boy, I have a clue how hard this is for you. My son was behaving similarly from age 2 to 7. Here are the strategies that worked for us. 1) EPA ( eicosapentaenoic acid )suppliment. This is isolated from fish oils. I found studies indicating that this helped decrease rage episodes and increase frustration tolerance in a variety of diagnosis, including ASD. Chose a trusted brand such as Nordic Naturals or Carlson's. It's not cheap, but it's worth every penny if it works for you! We started this at age 7, and things got A LOT better for us within a few weeks.

**When my son was calm, and happy, I calmly brought up the subject of his angry outbursts and how hard and scary they were for us and him** I told him that as he grew " inside " he would get more and more control of this. Then I said that some kids like him found that this " vitamin " made it easier to act safe even when they were angry/frustrated/upset. He was so attentive ( rare for him), and clearly interested. I stressed that he was the one who had to practice and work to be safe at these times, but that the EPA could help. Then I asked should we try it? **

Initially, we would squeeze the capsules contents over a teaspoon of sugar, but after a long while, he got so used to it that he now just chews the caps and spits out the " skins " . We started at 2 capsules ( 850 mg total) per day, but now do that dosage twice a day ( morning and night).

2) Hving him g to his room to calm down, as others have mentioned. Talk about this new approach it before you start using it. ( We also do the count down from 5. Deadpan voice, slow count: " 5--4--3--2--1--Now I will do it for you. " You physically take him if he hasn't started going at that point.)

You can keep old newspapers in his room for him to tear if he needs to be physical. ( Let him practice this when he's not upset, to get the feel for it.) If you see it coming ( the anger/ rage) have him go. Tell him, " Bedroom. When you are feeling like this, you need to take space in your room. " You may need to take him, staying as calm as you can (or faking it! It's hard to be truly calm when you're being assaulted!) This was really hard work for me initially, especially before we found the EPA. My son is now he is 9 ( and almost as big as me) and will go on is own when sent. If he is over the top angry (= yelling,) I sometimes have to count, but never get past 2 these days.

3) The old 4 compliments for every criticism can really pay off!!! Work hard to notice little things that work toward the behavior you want. My DH and I call this " getting out the pom-poms " . After a not so big blow-up has passed, you might say, " I like the way you calmed down. You're getting better at controlling yourself. Initially, I found that writing these down worked well. ( It felt less awkward for me, and my son reads better that he listens, so he got the message!)

4) Get into a good social skills group, often run by an SLP-CCC, aka a Speech Pathologist. (your neurologist my have some leads for you) There's likely a waiting list. Just put your son's name on it. ( If you find someone who just happens to have openings, you might try it, but beware.... in our experience, the person was poorly skilled. In hind sight, that person did more harm that good. )

Best of luck to you and your child! MickiOn Fri, May 30, 2008 at 10:31 AM, valeriemorrison76 <valeriemorrison76@...> wrote:

I am new to this group. My seven year old son was diagnosed with

aspects of Aspergers,ADHD and dyspraxia about 4 months ago but I am

fighting for a full diagnosis as I know he has it fully. The main

problem I am struggling to cope with is the violent outbursts. He has

bitten,kicked,slapped,pinched and punched me and I have been left with

marks, he has also broken off a table leg and come with me at it in the

past. He is very sorry afterwards but when he gets frustrated he just

loses it and wants to hurt me.His teacher is no help. I am going to a

course for parents with children with Aspergers at the local hospital

but as a single mum with an unsupportive family it is getting all too

much. How do others come with the outbursts?

[Guest guest]

Excellent advice; I can't add much to that. Great job!! Good advise. I would only add, look in to waiver programs; a waiver worker will help you get the full diagnosis written down; it just needs to be on a script pad for the waiver.............waiver gives you money you never see but a set amount of monthly money in home services; we have the mental health waiver for our AS boys; they get in home therapy (us too if necessary / we are involved in sharing what is happening, etc.), community support and services (social skills training, going out in public, cooking or whatever is needed for the age of the child), and respite (our's is IN THEIR HOME so we can have a break but stay home if we want). It rocks. WAIVERS for a break for you. AND, in the meantime, babysitters, and you learn and read and read and learn about AS and brief them; an active younger adult or older teen is great and find an energetic one; your child will beg 'em to come back; you don't have to leave home either! You can have them entertain so you can pay bills or whatever; go to the library just to get away (I know, I do it whenever I need to---I will pay bills in my van down the street----I really do not care but at least I am 'out' and I am doing what I need to do----does not matter to me what others think so my van or a park or the library is FINE with me-----as long as I am 'breaking' from my boys!!! And, doing the work I have to do. Ruthie

From: mickilarimer@...Date: Fri, 30 May 2008 23:43:36 -0700Subject: Re: ( ) violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

Hi ,Boy, I have a clue how hard this is for you. My son was behaving similarly from age 2 to 7. Here are the strategies that worked for us. 1) EPA ( eicosapentaenoic acid )suppliment. This is isolated from fish oils. I found studies indicating that this helped decrease rage episodes and increase frustration tolerance in a variety of diagnosis, including ASD. Chose a trusted brand such as Nordic Naturals or Carlson's. It's not cheap, but it's worth every penny if it works for you! We started this at age 7, and things got A LOT better for us within a few weeks. **When my son was calm, and happy, I calmly brought up the subject of his angry outbursts and how hard and scary they were for us and him** I told him that as he grew "inside" he would get more and more control of this. Then I said that some kids like him found that this "vitamin" made it easier to act safe even when they were angry/frustrated/upset. He was so attentive ( rare for him), and clearly interested. I stressed that he was the one who had to practice and work to be safe at these times, but that the EPA could help. Then I asked should we try it? **Initially, we would squeeze the capsules contents over a teaspoon of sugar, but after a long while, he got so used to it that he now just chews the caps and spits out the "skins". We started at 2 capsules ( 850 mg total) per day, but now do that dosage twice a day ( morning and night).2) Hving him g to his room to calm down, as others have mentioned. Talk about this new approach it before you start using it. ( We also do the count down from 5. Deadpan voice, slow count: "5--4--3--2--1--Now I will do it for you." You physically take him if he hasn't started going at that point.)You can keep old newspapers in his room for him to tear if he needs to be physical. ( Let him practice this when he's not upset, to get the feel for it.) If you see it coming ( the anger/ rage) have him go. Tell him, "Bedroom. When you are feeling like this, you need to take space in your room." You may need to take him, staying as calm as you can (or faking it! It's hard to be truly calm when you're being assaulted!) This was really hard work for me initially, especially before we found the EPA. My son is now he is 9 ( and almost as big as me) and will go on is own when sent. If he is over the top angry (= yelling,) I sometimes have to count, but never get past 2 these days. 3) The old 4 compliments for every criticism can really pay off!!! Work hard to notice little things that work toward the behavior you want. My DH and I call this "getting out the pom-poms". After a not so big blow-up has passed, you might say,"I like the way you calmed down. You're getting better at controlling yourself. Initially, I found that writing these down worked well. ( It felt less awkward for me, and my son reads better that he listens, so he got the message!)4) Get into a good social skills group, often run by an SLP-CCC, aka a Speech Pathologist. (your neurologist my have some leads for you) There's likely a waiting list. Just put your son's name on it. ( If you find someone who just happens to have openings, you might try it, but beware.... in our experience, the person was poorly skilled. In hind sight, that person did more harm that good. )Best of luck to you and your child! Micki

On Fri, May 30, 2008 at 10:31 AM, valeriemorrison76 <valeriemorrison76 > wrote:

I am new to this group. My seven year old son was diagnosed with aspects of Aspergers,ADHD and dyspraxia about 4 months ago but I am fighting for a full diagnosis as I know he has it fully. The main problem I am struggling to cope with is the violent outbursts. He has bitten,kicked,slapped,pinched and punched me and I have been left with marks, he has also broken off a table leg and come with me at it in the past. He is very sorry afterwards but when he gets frustrated he just loses it and wants to hurt me.His teacher is no help. I am going to a course for parents with children with Aspergers at the local hospital but as a single mum with an unsupportive family it is getting all too much. How do others come with the outbursts?

[Guest guest]

Hi, Ruth...........I am RUTHIE............What state are you in? I am in Iowa. And, excellent advise. My son is to go to his room to calm (he is 14 1/2 now) but he is verbally abusive, etc.; so it works typically but does not mean he won't destroy things while in the process. But, at least he is roomed, which is safer for all of us. He still melts down all the time though. We pick our battles and they have to be life threatening about in order for us to progress, otherwise, our rule is harmony and it just isn't worth the battle. We meet each child on HIS level, period. My NT 5 year old can do more than my 14 year old, seriously; my 14 year old, taking dirty clothes to the laundry room is a blow up so we have to pick and choose and he IS required to do that, like it or not!! But, our expectations / chores are less and different for him. He IS required to mow the lawn once a week though, and if well done, he gets an allowance of 40-60 a week, if not, nothing; we do all or nothing for that because he won't do it well otherwise; and from this, he buys clothes and other things, too, so it is saving us a lot of money in the long run, and he IS 14 1/2---time to start growing up and realizing life IS some work; he believes it is 'we service him' affair. Ruthie

From: me2ruth@...Date: Fri, 30 May 2008 19:08:25 +0000Subject: ( ) Re: violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

> How do others come with the outbursts?My tack for several years has been to isolate my son (now 13) so hecan self-calm himself without any distractions. I don't talk to him(just aggravates him all the more), but lead him to his room and closethe door. Nobody talks to him for 15 minutes. I check him every 15minutes to see if he is functional yet. If so, I let him go back towhatever he was doing without any fuss. He still has outbursts, afterall he is AS, but he usually gets to the point of functionality within15 minutes now. Sometimes he'll seek out getting off by himself whenhe is overly upset, but he's just getting to where he can managefiguring out when that is appropriate once in awhile. I got thisidea partly from a parenting book for strong-willed children andpartly because they did something very similar with him at school inearly elementary. When he started crying, they would put him out inthe hallway so he could get himself together in private.Of course, different things work with different kids. This works withmy son because he is not physical, not destructive and doesn't runaway when put somewhere. His outbursts are all very verbal, notnecessarily words, mind you.Another thing, as another person mentioned, is figuring out what histriggers are and avoiding them. This is where parenting an AS childdiffers from the norm. Sometimes you have to let the child'sdisabilities decide the rules until they learn coping skills.Hope this helps.Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> Excellent advice; I can't add much to that. Great job!! Good

advise. I would only add, look in to waiver programs; a waiver worker

will help you get the full diagnosis written down; it just needs to be

on a script pad for the waiver.............waiver gives you money you

never see but a set amount of monthly money in home services; we have

the mental health waiver for our AS boys; they get in home therapy (us

too if necessary / we are involved in sharing what is happening,

etc.), community support and services (social skills training, going

out in public, cooking or whatever is needed for the age of the

child), and respite

I have never heard of this. Is it tied to your income? In other

words, do you have to have medicaid to get it? What organization runs it?

We don't qualify for medicaid, but we can't afford all the

interventions our kids and my legally blind husband need. I keep

wondering if I'm missing something. We don't even get any services

from the school since our kids have fairly high IQs and we live in one

of those states where the definition of educational need is very narrow.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi, Ruth...........I am RUTHIE............What state are you in? I

am in Iowa.

Hi Ruthie. I'm in Texas. I grew up in Ohio, but I graduated from

college and have spent my entire adult life in Texas. I drove through

Iowa on the way to Wyoming as a teenager, and I was impressed with all

the neat, round hills covered in farms. It was like a storybook

drawing.

Our 13yos have a hard time with chores also. The one with AS has

working memory/organization/processing speed/coordination

problems/poor emotional control, so for him it is a matter of keeping

things calm, breaking everything up into little steps, letting him

take his time, reassuring him when he spills/breaks/forgets,

explaining everything explicitly, etc. It's a lot of work and they

definitely are not where other kids their age are at. But I'm happy

if I just know we're progressing. Both our kids are this way, so my

husband and I get exhausted. We've been looking for professional help

with this since it seems to be too much for us by ourselves, but it is

hard to find an OT/speech therapist/psych that understands the upper

end of the autism spectrum. I haven't exhausted all my leads yet though.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Ruth you grew up in Ohio? Where at? I am in Ohio.h@...> wrote: >> Hi, Ruth...........I am RUTHIE............What state are you in? Iam in Iowa. Hi Ruthie. I'm in Texas. I grew up in Ohio, but I graduated fromcollege and have spent my entire adult life in Texas. I drove throughIowa on the way to Wyoming as a teenager, and I was impressed

with allthe neat, round hills covered in farms. It was like a storybookdrawing. :)Our 13yos have a hard time with chores also. The one with AS hasworking memory/organization/processing speed/coordinationproblems/poor emotional control, so for him it is a matter of keepingthings calm, breaking everything up into little steps, letting himtake his time, reassuring him when he spills/breaks/forgets,explaining everything explicitly, etc. It's a lot of work and theydefinitely are not where other kids their age are at. But I'm happyif I just know we're progressing. Both our kids are this way, so myhusband and I get exhausted. We've been looking for professional helpwith this since it seems to be too much for us by ourselves, but it ishard to find an OT/speech therapist/psych that understands the upperend of the autism spectrum. I haven't exhausted all my leads yet

though.Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> Ruth you grew up in Ohio? Where at? I am in Ohio.

Hi Stacey. In the Amish country south of Cleveland--Wayne County. My

parents are still there, but I don't get up to visit as often as I

like as my parents don't seem to mind traveling. I'm not Amish of

course, although my Dad comes from a Mennonite family. He switched to

Methodist when he decided to join the military at the tail end of

WWII. Where are you at?

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Yeah! Ohio people! I was raised in Cincinnati, Ohio. My boyfriend all through high school was the son of a Mennonite pastor. My sister worked for an Amish furniture maker.

Wallbank - Wittmayer

DOK Grace Chapter

"Prayer without work is empty words,service without prayer is labor lost."

( ) Re: violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

>> Ruth you grew up in Ohio? Where at? I am in Ohio.Hi Stacey. In the Amish country south of Cleveland--Wayne County. Myparents are still there, but I don't get up to visit as often as Ilike as my parents don't seem to mind traveling. I'm not Amish ofcourse, although my Dad comes from a Mennonite family. He switched toMethodist when he decided to join the military at the tail end ofWWII. Where are you at?Ruth

[Guest guest]

I am originally from n, moved to Toledo two years ago and nine months ago moved to Tuscarawas County.

( ) Re: violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

>> Ruth you grew up in Ohio? Where at? I am in Ohio.Hi Stacey. In the Amish country south of Cleveland--Wayne County. Myparents are still there, but I don't get up to visit as often as Ilike as my parents don't seem to mind traveling. I'm not Amish ofcourse, although my Dad comes from a Mennonite family. He switched toMethodist when he decided to join the military at the tail end ofWWII. Where are you at?Ruth

[Guest guest]

Woo hoo Ohioans! I'm in Medina.

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Re: violent outbursts in my 7 year old boy.

>> Ruth you grew up in Ohio? Where at? I am in Ohio.Hi Stacey. In the Amish country south of Cleveland--Wayne County. Myparents are still there, but I don't get up to visit as often as Ilike as my parents don't seem to mind traveling. I'm not Amish ofcourse, although my Dad comes from a Mennonite family. He switched toMethodist when he decided to join the military at the tail end ofWWII. Where are you at?Ruth

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