Re: Re:Another Meltdown turned good

[Guest guest]

Jill, Roxanna and alll .....

just wanted to Say thanks for the POSTIVES that I tend to overlook due to the overwhelming stuff my son (our children) put us thru...Thank you all for reminding me of these things....

Miracles like you said...

He Got up and Played with the Band on Stage in front of an Audience. The Band was SUPER....yes, he did wear his red/black hoodie over his white shirt and black pants...but you are RIGHT...who cares...obviously the Band teacher understood...he didn't make a scene....

Yeah...he was right at the door ready to bolt at the end...and did bolt...but he was there....and I did see him up on stage talking to another boy ....he said that was his friend...ahemmm but let it be...

And, then there is his girlfriend or girl friend....they talk all day long on the phone....

And, now the biggest miracle of all....He went on his "first date"....they went to the movies at noon today. Ken took him down and dropped him off...he had his cell phone. I was to pick him up around 2:30 p.m. Well my friend called and we did some shopping all over...the last place she had to go was the mall....we went and just as I was saying keep your eyes open for ...we crossed paths... of course stood there ...so I introduced myself and Arlene....his girlfriend is cute....they weren't holding hands and her firend was with them...but he was having a good time....I just pray she is not using him...but why would she stay on the phone for hours with him...and she calls him...and she invited him to the movies..he didn't pay for her..it was DUTCH....so I beleive she is for real. And they laugh on the phone and she has the cutest "giggle"....

So yes...I have a lot to be thankful for...and Miracles do happen...

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Jill Kern <JillBKern@...>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

[Guest guest]

It is great news that the girlfriend thing is working out! And it IS pretty nice that he went to the concert and played in it. My older ds went once in 3rd grade. He stood on the stage and hid behind the person in front of him. I could tell he was terrified the whole time. Anyway, it never got easier because he refused to go next year to the Xmas play. He just wouldn't do it. And so he never did one of those again. Ever.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

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[Guest guest]

He he. Your son sounds like mine. Hiding behind others....or his bangs/hair.

My daughter, though, would stand facing the audience and then have her head turned to the side, almost to the point of snapping off, to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Sad....and funny.

From: Jill Kern <JillBKernverizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1848 - Release Date: 12/14/2008 12:28 PM

[Guest guest]

Our oldest dd was the funniest one we had with regard to school programs. One year in first grade, they had the microphone placed to the side, right in front of her. She belted out those songs like she was on broadway. People were laughing. What a ham. It was a big big shock to go from her to our ds, who hid from everyone! Oh yes, he also hid under his bangs too. He is almost 20 yo now and just this past year, he will finally comb his hair to the side.

Are you still e-schooling at home? I tell you, this past week has been so hard at home with e-school. Everyone wants final assignments done, tests done, essays turned in before xmas break. I am getting overwhelmed with them myself, so I know how my ds feels! It is hard because we are usually behind as a general rule. I will be glad when xmas break gets here!!

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1848 - Release Date: 12/14/2008 12:28 PM

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[Guest guest]

That's funny about your 20 yr old finally combing to the side. Ian had a dr appt (just reg physical) and he had the eye test, where they put up a "patch" in front of one eye at a time. Well,,,,he used it for his right eye, but didn't need it with his hair there. But, when it came to covering his left eye and actually seeing out of his right, that was a challenge. He lifted his hair up and it was honestly like his eye was needing time to adjust to daylight.

Sad.

We all chuckled a bit, but the doc said that if he continues to "hide" his right eye, it will get lazy and tired and cause his left eye to work harder and take over. So,,,,,,after hearing this, he now switches which eye is getting hidden. Nice.

***I'm with you on this past week. He is ahead in a bunch, but the math,,,,,,ugh. I'm letting him decide more this year, what he wants to do for the day. Giving him more responsibility in choosing. But,,,,,,it's all over now. Ha ha.

If it doesnt' come easy, he pushes it off.

So, we had to really go crazy with writing papers and math this past week. Ick.

I found myself getting all tense and angry and saying things, like, "For God's sake, just do it"......he'd wail and say he couldn't help it and couldn't focus. I found myself saying things that I figured the school had said to him, like "just hurry up"...."focus"........

I could have used a couple cocktails to calm me down for the last couple of weeks.

He hee.

From: Jill Kern <JillBKernverizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

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Oh wow, that is amazing that he was messing up his vision with his hair in his face. I guess that should prove an old adage from mom's or something - you know, like the one about your face freezing that way or something. lol. Or maybe you can start a new mom adage. lol.

Did you survive the last week before xmas break at e-school? We did, just barely. Everyone had a test or paper due but we managed to do it all. You might want to start making a daily schedule of things to get done that he can check off as he goes. That is the only thing that keeps me on task so I can keep my ds on task. But I am a list person by nature. lol. If I let him do it on his own, it just would never get done. And then he would be crying and saying he was a failure. He can't stand it when things pile up, then he gives up before he starts and I have to try and work over that hurdle as well. One of the goals in his IEP is for him to start working independently and I just LOL when I think of it. It just ain't gonna happen anytime soon. I will try things...but it isn't working.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1848 - Release Date: 12/14/2008 12:28 PM

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1851 - Release Date: 12/16/2008 8:53 AM

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Roxanna...that is so funny that they want your ds to start working independently...Ha Ha! Sometimes I wonder where their heads are.....in my son's IEP he is allowed to take 4 breaks a day....but he is to do it independently...Yeah Right!!!! I told them that to....you just can't tell them you are to take 4 breaks a day and do it on your on....come on...give me a break...we have to TEACH them and help them learn it...and they are TEACHERS???? It is like when they tell me....my son should be able to organize himself.....that he should have learned this by now....Duh? And, who has been teaching him???? Obviously it is not working!!! So, if no one taught him or he didn't catch on...you are going to let him sink now? Come on give the kids a break.. we all don't fit in this perfect mold ....some of us take longer to learn things....

It really angers me when they say "they should work independently now" or "he is in 7th grade and he should know how to be organized"....I feel like telling them....what all the kids say "DA TA DUH" You are the ones teaching him....so really SHAME on you not on my son! And, give me a break!!!!!!!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Jill Kern <JillBKernverizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

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[Guest guest]

That's what they say here, too. "Let him get more independent and, in a way, let him learn to control what he learns, when he learns it", etc. Let him "see" what needs to be done, etc.

He he.

That's great.

I've left for errands before and, as far as his work, he can pull up where he's "at" on the computer for all the subjects and can see what needs to be done. It's not that he doesn't do any of it. He does. It's that he's almost done in Lit, cause he just reads what needs to be read. So, that's good. Science, too. He reads it. Gets it, I think. But, for the stuff that has to be physically "done" or written about,,,ugh. He reads up on all the parts of Composition and what are the parts, for example, of a "narrative paper" or a "biliographical essay". But,,,,,when it comes to actually DOING it, he freaks and wants to put it off. So,,,,there we sit for days working on it. This is fine, of course, but it ticks me off that sure, he wants to get it done, but doesn't want to do the work. ugh.

Did this all make sense?

I shouldn't get so ticked,,,,,,cause "AT" school, they don't teach actual independence like this. Figuring out what to do or what to study. So,,,,I AM grateful that he has the choice,,,,

I guess it boils down to the sad, funny thing,,,,,,,,,that he's not as "spazzy and go-getter-y" as I am. ha ha.

From: Jill Kern <JillBKernverizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1848 - Release Date: 12/14/2008 12:28 PM

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[Guest guest]

Writing is one of the THE hardest things to do...when you sit down and really think about it...say you have to write a paper...

First....subject and Title

2. You need a opening paragraph

3 You need to bak up that paragraph

4. You need a closing

Then on top of all that....you need proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.....Oh wow...and it becomes too overwhelming....

There are ways to break it down ...I can't think of it right now....I will see if I can get my hands on one...

When my son had to write a paragraph...the teacher used a picture of an ice cream sundae.

The dish was the opening statement. The three scoops of ice cream were 3 facts about the statement. The banana, whip cream and chocolate sauce were more information on each of the 3 factsThe cherry on top was the closing statement.

What you need to do is break it down for him....Start with the idea....get a title and work on the introductory paragraph. Then take a break...may hours later or next day go back and wwork on the next step....Break it down to baby steps...he doesn't want to do it because it is too overwhelming for him!!

i hope i helped.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Jill Kern <JillBKernverizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1848 - Release Date: 12/14/2008 12:28 PM

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1851 - Release Date: 12/16/2008 8:53 AM

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.9.18/1851 - Release Date: 12/16/2008 8:53 AM