Re:Another Meltdown

[Guest guest]

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill

[Guest guest]

Jill,

What great advice...I wrote the name of the book down....there are a couple of other ones I want to get...Miriam always talkes about one and would you believe I can think of the name of it....and Roxanna just named a few good ones .....I will have to go back and review the posts....

That is great advice. Actually you brought tears to my eyes....when you said how great that he has a girlfriend and how great it was that he got up on stage...you know I thought about that but it didn't hit me till you pointed it out.....

I guess I was stuck on the hoodie....maybe no one noticed....but to me it made him stick out even more....and he always wants friends and I tried to explain...then you need to follow their lead to a degree...they all wore their white shirts...it isn't so much that I was embarrassed....but what the other kids start to think about him.....

In homeroom he always puts his head down...I think because he doesn't feel like he fits in....so one day this other boy was sick and put his head down. The teacher heard the kids saying ...hey look at so and so ...he looks like D (my son). It is those times I want to cry....he feels he doesn't fit in.

But you are right...he does have some friends...not a lot and has lost some and doesnt' hang with those he use to in kindergarten...but he has some friends...his age... and Nick....older Shane 16 and Jack and his pals (17 and up). His older firends let him hang around with them and treat him special...I guess they are more mature and like him and feel protective of him....they treat him like a "little brother". He and Jake have really bonded because Jake lost his mom 2 years ago and lost his "poppy" who lived with us all of 's life.

Anyways...thank for the great advice and opening my eyes ....I have been looking at the glass as half empty instead of half full.

As far as his girlriend...i would have taken him to the mall....but I knew it was getting late and his TSS was coming at 4. I really don't have a problem ....they can't get into 2 much trouble ...i don't think? Last Sat. my husband took my son and 3 boys to the mall at 5:30 ...they went to a movie and then shopping and he picked them up at 9 at Burger King which is right outside the mall. My son had a ball. I told my son I would pick his girlfriend up tomorrow (sat....weather permitting)...Isn't it amazing how these other parents never do anything for their kids??????? We end up picking up the kids and then dropping them back. No one volunteers to bring their kids to the mall or our house or anything....One weekend we had Nick for 2 nights and all day Saturday and most of Sunday. But by 2 pm was tired and wanted him to go home...that was a shock for me....my son can or wants friends all the time....but usually no

one calls or if he has a friend....it lasts for a while and then ends or kids befreind him to USE him for his stuff.

But thank you .....thank you...

Oh...getting back to the girlfriend ...my son is 13 and the girl is 14 (she was left back). All they do so far is talk on the phone and see each other in school....so it is a safe relationship so far!!!!!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Jill Kern <JillBKern@...>Subject: ( ) Re:Another Meltdown Date: Friday, December 12, 2008, 10:41 AM

Dear Jan,

Your story reminds me of times when my son had a bad experience and it triggered a meltdown that just got worse and worse. What helped me the most was a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene called "The Explosive Child." This book explains how to indentify triggers for your child's meltdowns and describes techniques for stopping them before they start, or calming a child after a meltdown has already started.

The one positive element in your situation is that your son has a girlfriend! Do you know how rare that is for kids with Asperger's? I am happy that my son Owen (22) has one friend who happens to be a girl, and that they sometimes get together to see a movie or play cribbage at her house, but she has never invited him to hang out at a mall. Was the girl's father just going to drop her off, or would he have stayed with her and your son? I can see why you wouldn't want them to go to a mall by themselves, but with an adult nearby, would you think it would be OK?

One thing I understood from the Ross Greene book is that punishing a child long after a meltdown is not effective. He won't connect his meltdown (which he denies now, and will have forgotten by Christmas) with the lack of Christmas presents on the day itself. Telling him he's not getting gifts that you planned to give him will probably trigger another meltdown. I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes! Also, a very wise psychologist told me that rewards (even anticipated rewards) work better than punishments in controlling behavior. So if he knows in advance that polite behavior will earn him a reward, he will be much more likely to behave than if he is punished after kicking the door or whatever.

Of course you want him to be polite and to act and look like other teenagers, but this is something you can't entirely control. Wearing a different outfit from the other kids at the concert might embarrass you, but it's unlikely that everyone was looking at him and thinking he was weird for not wearing the same clothes as everyone else. The amazing thing is that he was performing on stage in front of an audience! Wow! He deserves praise for that, even if he wanted to leave immediately afterwards. My son was not comfortable with any kind of crowd when he was a teenager (he still doesn't really like crowded situations) and would have seen no reason to stick around after the concert was over. So even though we preferred to linger and talk with other people, we had to face the fact that it would not work for him or us. Even now that he's older, when we're at a social event or

even just visiting a friend or family member and I see him start pacing and showing other signs of restlessness, I know it's time to leave. Too bad, but that's the way it is.

The other good piece of advice my wise psychologist friend gave me is that when you are taking away a privilege or a promised reward, you need to explain in a very calm voice why you're doing it. It should seem like a businesslike transaction ("Sorry, but when you do that, I have to do this") rather than an angry reaction to his behavior (even if you are angry!). The reason for this is that he will not understand your reasons for taking away privileges if your voice is loud and your behavior angry. It will just lead to more yelling and angry behavior on his part. Also, it's no good asking him whether he did something that you know he did, or asking why he did it. The book explains that when he's angry, those behaviors are not under his conscious control. So he can't answer your questions. If he has broken or damaged anything, he should be responsible for cleaning it up or

paying for it in some way, but he also has to be informed of that in a very calm way, and as soon after the incident as possible. This is asking a lot of a parent, I know, but I found out that it worked better for us than anything else.

Please forgive me if I have entirely misunderstood your situation. Unless he is extremely violent and an actual danger to you, I disagree with his Mobile Therapist that he is "bullying" you and should be hospitalized the next time this happens. See if you can keep it from happening. All they will do in the hospital is try to calm him and get him to understand the consequences of his actions -- which you may be able to do at home. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's worth a try.

Good luck!

Jill