Re: Teacher Playing Games?

[Guest guest]

>

> The next day...my son came home with the envelope unopened. I said

> what is this? Can't you go? He said he didn't know. So I emailed his

> teacher. This is what she said....

This is so typical and so frustrating. You probably already know what

I am going to say. I think the team needs to know about this sort

of thing so they can build it into your son's plans, and the principal

also needs to know because he/she needs to personally discuss with the

teacher more appropriate/effective/constructive ways to handle these

types of problems.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Oh Jan, this is so awful. I went through the same kind of stuff when

we were at the very worst school of all our experiences. The special

education " team leader " for the whole school said, " I know all about

asperger syndrome " before we moved to that area. We bought our house

based on this. I was much smarter when we moved to New Hampshire. I

interrogated the schools here with very pointed questions, visited

each of the ones I interrogated to see what kind of feelings I got

from them. We were already ahead though because New Hampshire is in

the top 10 for special education while Texas is in the bottom 5 or so.

's special ed team leader at this terrible school took away all

of his services except speech therapy. I was so inexperienced and

gullible I let her do it. Then when he started to fall apart they

blamed him and me and our move from Baltmore to Texas instead of

figuring out the real reasons for his behavior. They tried to tell

me he was emotionally disturbed. Funny because every expert

including a well-known developmental pediatrician (I didn't have a

clue who she was but doctors know her name when I mention her) said

he was " well adjusted " . I'm glad I knew that because I don't know if

I'd have had the strength or the confidence to fight. One day this

horrible team leader came to me and said, " Mrs. Banash, this behavior

has to stop! " and I said, " Yes, it does. What are you going to do

about it? " Then she " threatened " us with a meeting. She said in a

very angry tone, " We will have to have a meeting with you and Mr.

Banash! " I said, " Oh good, let's do that tomorrow! " Oh she did some

fast backtraking then. It makes me laugh to think of it. I became

very, VERY tough in 5 months and by the end of it we had what we

needed. , though, did his part by advocating for himself. He

doesn't withdraw. He gets very aggressive, violent, angry and

disruptive. And I never thought I'd say it, but I'm glad. I don't

want him to be angry and violent, but if he's in a threatening

environment he needs to defend himself. Once he was in a good

environment his aggression steadily declined and this year we've seen

NONE of it at school! He still says very aggressive things, he still

thinks that way, but he hasn't been acting on them. I wish I could

talk to that stupid team leader now and tell her how he's doing. He

writes poetry and is so loving and sweet.

This morning when I got up he was watching a mom having babies and

getting emotional about it. I don't know why people say asperger

kids don't have emotions or feel love. I think maybe they are more

emotional and then shut down or withdraw because of the strength of

their emotions.

Anyway, I'm going on and on here and that wasn't what I intended. I

would go and hand deliver the money again but to the homeroom

teacher. I don't think they can stop him from going even if he is a

little late with the permission slip and money. We've been late

before and still were able to go. If they are overwhelmed about

taking him they should be working to get him support or asking you to

come along. I go on a lot of 's field trips because I'm asked to

go. They LOVE it when I go along because it's one less thing for

them to worry about. But this option isn't something everyone can

do. If I'm not there has a 1:1 support person. has 1:1

support at all times in his current school and they gave it to him

because they knew THEIR lives would be easier. They have a healthy

sense of enlightened self interest. sometimes this is more important

than anything else. If they really see how their own lives could be

made easier they'd do what a child needs. I've been fortunate to get

a fair number of these kinds of people working with . Then when

they do things right for he is a delight and a great asset in

the classroom. I wish more people really got that a little extra

patience and support doesn't JUST help the child in question. It

helps the whole community inside and outside of the school!

Hugs,

Miriam

> >

> > The next day...my son came home with the envelope unopened. I

said

> > what is this? Can't you go? He said he didn't know. So I emailed

his

> > teacher. This is what she said....

>

> This is so typical and so frustrating. You probably already know

what

> I am going to say. I think the team needs to know about this sort

> of thing so they can build it into your son's plans, and the

principal

> also needs to know because he/she needs to personally discuss with

the

> teacher more appropriate/ effective/ constructive ways to handle

these

> types of problems.

>

> Ruth

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Ruth,,,,,the teacher was my son's case manager and special education

teacher...can you beleive it...I am pulling my hair out and shaking it

at the same time....they truly don't know how to work with our kids.

> �

> My son is purposely pulling her strings....all she does is yelll He

dislikes her and has stopped doing his work or trying to ...he shuts

down....

I can't believe I'm writing this on Thanksgiving! Hope you're having

not too busy a day. Hope you get this LOL.

Okay, so you are left with the principal or some other appropriate

school administrator. The principal is this teacher/case manager's

boss and can make her shape up. But you are going to have to help and

let the principal know what is going on and discuss it with him/her.

From my experience, it is wise to avoid generalizing about the people

at your child's school. If you take the time to get to know them as

individuals, you can take advantage of their strengths.

This is what has worked for me in situations like this... You want to

put it in writing. So, I write a note to the person's boss. I tell

them I am writing because I have some concerns. I frame my concern

around something that is unlawful or unethical. For example, in your

case, you could say something like " it appears ------- is treating my

son's disabilities like purposeful behaviors " . Then I give several

specific examples, including my son's perceptions of what happened. I

quote things the teacher has written/said/done that are clearly not

right. And I end the letter with a summary of my understanding of the

situation and a request for the situation to be rectified.

You will need to give them a few days, most likely. The principal or

whoever you are working with will need some time to talk to the

teacher, do a little observing and whatever else is necessary to get a

handle on the situation. They'll probably want to come up with at

least a tentative plan of action before they talk to you. I've come

to be reassured when I don't hear right back from people, because I

know that means they are putting some thought into it and working on

it. Of course, that also means you'd better have your ducks in line,

because they'll be ready for you if you aren't making any sense to

them or they are being bad.

Sometimes I have to do this a couple of times. That is, I'll let my

son's assistant principal, who is his 504 coordinator, know that a

teacher does not appear to be following my son's 504 Plan. If he

tries to explain it away and do nothing, then I have to go to the

principal. If the principal does nothing, then I have had to go to

either the director or assistant director of SPED. I haven't had to

go past that so far, but there are people in the state education

agency I could go to beyond that. I could file a complaint with the

state education agency. But, I never have had to go that far.

Your situation may be somewhat different, but hopefully this gives you

some ideas. Anyway, I hope this helps! Have a great Thanksgiving!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

When we moved here didn't have one but I think he's aware of how

scary things are for him when he doesn't have a kind of social coach

as well as a social filter. At his school in Texas there was a guy

who helped out with a few boys at a time. He did sort of what our

1:1 person does and sometimes he was able to be 1:1 when other kids

were doing just fine. The thing is, everyone really LOVED this guy.

All the kid, not just the special needs ones. It was a cool thing to

get to hang around with Mr. . He ran the afterschool program

as well. He's quite young and often seems like a kid himself but he

can be firm when he needs to be. He gets quite attached to the kids

and was very sad when we left. So I think that very positive and

completely non-stigmatizing situation set the tone.

Last year I don't think liked his 1:1 person as much. She was a

little too bossy somehow and he would refuse to take breaks with her

because I think she somehow made it negative. This year he never

refuses breaks. He has another male aide. They call them " paras "

here, short for paraprofessional. His para this year is fun and cool

and calls " the man " . I know a lot of kids get to an age where

they don't want a para but so far that hasn't been the case with

. He feels safer with adults than with kids since adults, for

the most part, are more predictable than kids. Well, in Texas we did

have that one school with really unskilled special ed people. He

certainly didn't feel safe with them.

I remember, when was at that really terrible school, telling

him, " , I know you're doing your best. You do what you need to

do and I'll work on helping the adults around you figure out how to

teach you the way you need it. " At one point I tried to go along

with their wishes that I " work with him " at home. What they wanted

was for me to punish him at home for school behavior. That was

before I knew they were screwing up so royally. They were keeping me

as uninformed as possible. They told me, " he's doing just fine " for

ages until he got so aggressive they didn't know what to do. These

were special ed teachers!!!

Eventually, I figured out I had to be quite tough and had this

epiphany. I suddenly realized one day, " is advocating for

himself in the only way he knows how. " It was a POWERFUL feeling. I

suddenly knew what I had to do. That's when I started telling him I

had to teach the teachers how to teach him. It wasn't long after

this that they sent to another school in the district that had a

CSSC (centralized social skills classroom). This is where we met Mr.

. We also met Ms. Benson and Mrs. . Mrs.

developed the CSSC program and then trained all the staff who worked

in it. They were AMAZING.

Thanks to CSSC and it's wonderful staff got to a point in Texas

where he didn't need quite so much supervision. Here in NH he seems

to need more supervision. He's in an intermediate school rather than

an elementary or middle school. So suddenly he had to be much more

mature. The curriculum is also tougher and more is expected of him.

So he needs full-time 1:1 supervision. I think maybe the school in

TX wasn't challenging him enough. They weren't just giving him less

to do, they were making it easier or maybe they just don't have the

high standards there that the schools here do. I'm fine with them

giving him less work as long as he gets the same level of work

everyone else has. He's super bright and it's a shame for him not to

have that show in his academics. But the one thing this very good

school in Texas did was focus on social skills and being a good

friend. They really did a great job with it so that when we had to

move to NH he had no trouble making friends. It was amazing.

Fortunately, 's academics are now improving. They were a bit

rough last year and were not great at the beginning of this year

either. Then his special ed teacher came up with the brilliant idea

of a behavior plan that was more academics based. Since he's not

been aggressive at all this year and his worst behavior is

perseveration and distractibility his behavior plan keeps him on

track. They're working on teaching him to figure out what he needs

to do and where he needs to be by asking him every step of the

way, " What do you need to do next? " " How can you find out? "

's para this year is perhaps a bit too much of a softy because he

will do stuff for that is completely capable of doing

himself. went backwards in terms of independence a little bit

this year. There's a new para every year. I think they switch

around because it keeps people from burning out if they're with a

particularly challenging child one year.

Another reason needs a para here is that norms are a little

different in NH from the norms in TX. In Texas kids are much more

physical with each other. They hug more and then wrestle more. Not

that was ever bullied they just played harder. Also pretending

sword fight or gun fight was totally okay in Texas. It is very much

NOT okay here so that's been an adjustment. got in trouble for

DRAWING swords. Last year's aide was just SURE it was increasing his

aggression. He's been drawing swords since age 4 and his aggression

only went up when he was in a really REALLY bad school. Then it was

terrible for about 5 months and slowly decreased again over several

years. It literally took us YEARS to overcome 5 months of stupidity.

Sorry, I tend to write novels instead of email messages. LOL.

If you could somehow find a para who seemed cool to the other kids it

might help. I think the kids in 's school know he needs a para

but they're so used to seeing paras that it isn't a big deal. Still,

some kids don't want that. People here are very aware of asperger

syndrome and other " invisible disabilities " . The school district has

it's own Special Olympics and many of the typical kids like to

volunteer as helpers for the athletes. It's often hard to tell which

ones are the helpers and which are the athletes. So it's very cool

and being around disabled kids is just so NORMAL around here.

I started working as a substitute para last week and when I was

working with one little girl who is non verbal except for the words

yes and no. They don't really sound like yes and no, but the context

and her facial expressions help. Anyway, there were 3 little girls

in her class (these were second graders) who just LOVED her to bits.

They did more to train me than anyone else. " You have to move her

arms for her when we do the macarena month song. " They taught me

some sign language for working with her. I used to be quite good

with sign language but it's a skill you lose if you don't use it a

lot. They taught me " sit " and " stand up " when we were doing the

macarena thing. LOL. The 4th graders weren't quite as demonstrative

but they were used to having the little boy with cerebral palsy in

their class.

I've seen similar things with how the older kids deal with .

They help him and encourage him and put him in situations that will

help him feel successful. Last year I think I told a story here

about in PE. He was the last kid finishing the laps around the

track. Another child saw he was running all alone and had quite a

way to go. So this child went out and ran with just a little

behind him so wouldn't feel he was losing. He encouraged

the whole way and then all the kids cheered for . And really,

was a winner because he was following rules when other kids

cheated and ran across the track. could have had a major

meltdown about losing, but instead he was so proud. Of course this

made all the staff cry. It makes me cry and makes lots of people cry

when I tell them. LOL. It was a beautiful thing that proves kids

really can be kind if they are educated in that way. I always make

sure the kids around are educated and tell the teachers that

they can be open about 's disability. This always works well.

is very open about his disability too. He knows he has asperger

syndrome and knows this is why he needs a para. He is able to

advocate for himself verbally now, though he sometimes over-uses it

to get his way or get out of doing something. Still, it is

progress. He is learning his limits. He says, " I don't feel like

being social today " . He can tell me when he's overwhelmed or tired.

's social skills are beyond my husband's now in some ways. I

really didn't comprehend just how socially awkward he really was

until this year when I suddenly realized that was explaining MY

emotions to his dad. " Mom said that because she's really tired. "

LOL. OH MY GOD. And my husband takes this well from which is a

HUGE help to me. I just wish didn't feel he had to do it.

can navigate a conflict or take criticism much better than my husband

and gets over it so quickly it's as if the upset didn't happen. My

husband is deeply wounded for a long time, can't navigate it at all,

is terrified of saying anything wrong and then becomes so frustrated

and angry he explodes. I often wish I could be HIS para!!! He needs

a social coach. Desperately. I wish I could talk to his boss about

this but of course I can't.

OMG, I'm sorry I've written such a ridiculously long message!

Miriam

> > >

> > > The next day...my son came home with the envelope unopened. I

> said

> > > what is this? Can't you go? He said he didn't know. So I

emailed

> his

> > > teacher. This is what she said....

> >

> > This is so typical and so frustrating. You probably already know

> what

> > I am going to say. I think the team needs to know about this

sort

> > of thing so they can build it into your son's plans, and the

> principal

> > also needs to know because he/she needs to personally discuss

with

> the

> > teacher more appropriate/ effective/ constructive ways to handle

> these

> > types of problems.

> >

> > Ruth

> >

>

[Guest guest]

We really are fortunate. We have much for which we can be thankful.

The fact that two wonderful male para/assistant type people have

worked with . The guys who get involved really must enjoy it

since there is so little money involved.

Miriam

>

> That is great! I think a male would be great.....but there aren't

too many in the field...doesn't pay enough! LOL!!!! I am a para too

we call them TA (teacher assistants) ...if we could find one like

your son has...my son would blossom...you and your son are quite

lucky!!!!

>  

> Jan

>

>

> Janice Rushen

>  

> " I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope "

>