Growing Up

August 12, 2004

HI ,

I'm a 30 yr old achon and grew up with an average size family. My family

dynamics are rather complex, so bear with me as I speak of various adults who

have influenced my growing up.

My step mom always pushed me to the limit, sometimes beyond. Making sure

that I could do EVERYTHING.

My grandmother was more cautious with how she pushed me and realized my

limits a little quicker than others.

As I read what I just wrote, I realize it's not addressing your question...I

apologize.

The advantages of living with an average size family:

Diversity

Accomodations, realizing the world is not built for you, but you need to

adjust to it and make accomodations. (i.e. I have a friend who's an lp and his

entire family are lps. When he would visit my apt. in NY, he'd be baffled at

where some of my items were located...my microwave was ontop of my fridge.

Something his family would NEVER do, being 4 lps in the household but in my

situatiion it was a space saver and practical...I didn't use the microwave that

often).

I realized something more important than all that....the most important thing is

that you are going to open your heart to this child and love him/her. Through

this loving bond that will be created, everything else is trivial. The child

growing up in a loving home is what is most important! Being in a place where

he/she is respected, appreciated, loved will make all the difference in his/her

life. It doesn't matter what's on the outside...it is what's on the inside that

makes all the difference. All the best with your adoption. Please keep me posted

and if I could be of further assistance, don't hesitate to contact me.

Barbara Spiegel

August 12, 2004

Hi,

I grew up in a average size family and I was not treated equally to my average

size siblings. I was never pushed to my full potential like my average sized

siblings.

I was always given " slack " because I was small. Something my average sized

siblings still harbor resentment over. An example of this is, I had no real

psychical restrictions.

I should have been made to cut the grass, clean out the shed and other tasks.

Because of things like this, I became a lazy child and I managed to get away

with way more than my siblings. So, I guess my con is if your child can do it

let them/ make them. Let them know they are no better or worse than anyone else.

Other than that I was a typical child. I dug my own worms when we went fishing.

I thought cleaning my room meant shoving all my toys under my bed, just like any

other kid.

If you have a loving home and want to adopt a child into your family, no matter

what the pro's outweigh the con's.

June 6, 2008

Welcome to our life; I completely agree with you. I would have left alone at 10; now, I will for a few minutes but it is only if he is playing video games or something, as he won't get up from that, and it is in the basement (so if a storm, he's where we would make him go anyway)...............it is weird. I think the most important thing for us to know is that this is LIFE LONG and you best start planning for the future, preparing to possibly have to take his rights to 'parent' him as an adult and get him on lists NOW for adult services (and know there is a huge and up to 10 plus year waiting list for services for adults, so do NOT delay!). I hear you, and I agree. Ruthie

Aspergers Treatment From: mlndhall@...Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2008 07:14:12 -0700Subject: ( ) "Growing Up"

I am having difficulty with getting to a pointof "growing up". I know that there is a maturing issuefor kids with asperger's. I saw it more back when hewas in elementary school more so than now. I used tosay/think that he was, mature-wise, 2 years behind hisage. I don't think that anymore. He'll be 16 in acouple of days.We are having a hard time in getting him to realizethat he needs to start taking over his life. He wantsto in the aspect of what he chooses to do and not do.What he eats and doesn't want to eat. Where he goesand where he doesn't. But there seems to be nounderstanding in his getting a job and starting tosupport himself. He wants a lot of stuff. We keeptelling him that if he had a job, he'd be able to getthe stuff. That doesn't seem to matter. He'd rather dowithout. Or wait for us to buy it for him. We have some neighbors that are moving and they askedfor him to come over and help pack stuff into the car.She offered to pay him. He was like, "I'm good." and"I'm busy." (Doing nothing.) Not even theunderstanding that he should help out people. Mostteens would like to do stuff to earn money. Wereminded him that she was going to pay him and hecould have money to buy what he wanted. But herefused.We want him to have a job for the summer. One of theneighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at thegrocery store that we'd applied for for at 15and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe thatthey took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.We have had him apply for a volunteer position at thelibrary this summer. He loves the library. Heunderstands the way things work there. He hasexpressed an interest in working at a library when hegraduates. So, we are trying to get him in thisposition-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'llbe able to get a paid position if one comes open atthis library.But I don't know how to get through to him that it'stime to grow up. I know kids don't want to do it. AndI recall digging my heels in and not wanting to do itbecause my friends didn't have to work. But he needsto do something besides stay in his room all summerand watch tv or play games. And he needs to startmaking his own money. So how do I get him to transition into this position?I can understand that he may never be able to live onhis own, but he is quite capable of working. Might betough to find a job he'd be able to stand long enoughto keep, but he needs to start. Tom was on his case last night, reminding him that heneeded to be working and get a job and told himto stop talking about it. I think he felt like Tom wasragging on him about it. But Tom was trying to get himto understand that he needs to step up to the plateand start taking this responsibility. He doesn't wantus to tell him what to do anymore (as any 15 yearold), but that also means he needs to take on more ofa role for himself.But how do I get him to "get it"?-Melinda

June 6, 2008

I have a brother who is 55 and a professor at a

college in NY. He has tenure, a PH.D, is on the board

of the college. He's been married for 33 years to the

same woman. He has a daughter and is about to have a

grandson. He would be a " poster child " for asperger's

if there was one. He is such a text-book case.

I have another brother who I swear has aspergers,

(undiagnosed because of the lack of knowledge back

when my mom sought help), who is 43. He's married.

He's held several different jobs. He has a daughter

and step son. He's been at his current job for a long

time. He is very immature for his age. He relies a lot

on our mom still and his wife is very " mothering " in

nature.

So, they are VERY successful in their lives, even

though they are very different in how the asperger's

effects their lives/behaviors.

I think 's OCD component will hinder him more

than anything. I am striving to have him live on his

own. I think he's capable of doing it except maybe

money-wise. I think he'd spend it on everything other

than what it's supposed to be used for. Or, he won't

want to go to work and thus no paycheck. As far as his

ablitity to do so, we are going to try to help him so

he can move out and hopefully get married, etc.

It's just that he doesn't seem to get that he needs to

take this on and not keep relying on us to purchase

every little thing he wants/needs. As for now, we do

provide food, shelter and clothing. But he wants

Yug-i-oh cards. He wants video games. He has chores

here he needs to perform to get an allowance. Half the

time he doesn't do his chores and earn his allowance.

(And believe me, they are simple tasks and NOTHING

like his sister has.) He wants to sit around and watch

things on the computer (of which he has a time limit),

read his Rave Master books, listen to his ipod and

watch tv. He fights me on everything he needs to do to

help out around the house. Lately he bulks at taking

the laundry basket upstairs. He says, " That's your

laundry, why should I do it? " He simply has to carry

the basket up the stairs and set it on our bed.

Doesn't have to do laundry (which he is good at and

does his own), doesn't have to sort the laundry

(which, if something of ours is in his load, he won't

return), just simply carry the basket up 13 steps. But

he refuses.

Right now they have exams coming up, so we are trying

to keep any real pressure off him. (Like making him do

the online practice test to get his learner's permit).

We are trying to keep him as stress-free as possible.

But if we don't make him get a job for the summer, he

won't do anything but stay up in his room and do

absolutely nothing but fight me all summer to do

stuff. It's as if he feels he's entitled to sit around

and do nothing. If he's working, then he doesn't need

to do all the chores here. His best friend works-A

Lot. He buys stuff.

whines all the time that he wants this and

that. His sister, who is 13, has a baby-sitting job on

Tuesday nights and earns money. She has been mowing my

mom's yard and earns money. ( can't mow because

of his allergies, and we allow for this).

They have a youth camp coming up this month. He's

going to want money for stuff from camp. We already

have to pay $275 for him to go. (Casey's been paid for

by a member of the church, but we still had to pay her

$50 deposit.) We'll have to give him and his sister

money for souveniers. But we only have so much to

give. She'll probably have money to buy more because

she is making money. He seems to have this attitude

that someone else should just give him money.

He needs a lot of reassurance because of his OCD. So,

he may not be able to live alone because of his fears.

I totally want him to be able to live on his own and

get married and do all that stuff. That is what we are

working towards. And that is why I asked how to get

him to " get it " because I do not wish to carry the

" load " for him. The reality is, that we may have to,

but ONLY because I have exhausted every possibility

and he proves he cannot do it. Otherwise, I totally

believe he can do this, but he just doesn't seem to

want to or see why he we are nagging him to get a job.

And that is why I posted what I did.

I know I didn't want to get a job when I was 15. But I

did. And I enjoyed getting stuff with the money I

made. But he just has no desire to do any of it and

gets mad when we push.

-Melinda

June 6, 2008

Heidi, It's too soon to tell what going to happen in the future for a 5 year old. Everybody on the spectrum is so different. each child is a individual with different needs. I have been reading post on this site for a few years to hear some parents did all the tutoring, supports, therapy, resources etc... and when their child reached their late teens. there was a point when the parents knew their child couldn't make it out on their own. They also were in a situation that they couldn't give the care for their child that was best for them (due to parents medical health) and asked for help on what their options are. Some suggestions were to place the child in a group home, where their child can work but with help and supervision from an agency. Some had to make other arrangements. I've also read post where there AS child went to college with services and were doing well. some even posted that

their child finished college and got a good paying job and even got married. some got a job but still needed help at home so they live in a group home with an adult that would take them to do shopping, laundry, and helping with their money/budgets. Some even found a girlfriend in the group homes that did their chores together. So you can see how each child has different needs. There are too many other different needs to post. Now with my son, He is HFA with lots of services and there are times when I have my doubts for when he reaches adulthood, he is now 11. but, like you said in your post. and I agree - to encourage all of us to strive for more than just accepting that our children will never move out of the house and that we are going to be forever supporting them. Because our goal is to help them progress and be as independent as they possible can. But for some parents, that's impossible to

happen. But for a 5 year old, and even my 11 year old, that's much to young to make that decision right now. I still see lots of growth with my son and he will continue to progress with continued services. I try to make him as independent as possible and I'm always searching for new and better strategies to help him along. I agree with Ruthie. Always plan for the future. I understand what she means. and with the long waiting list for services/group homes too.. I too like to be two steps ahead. Hope I didn't make you feel more upset. there are some positive outcomes for some/most. *smile* Rose Heidi Guarino <heidi.guarino@...> wrote: Ruthie, I have read many of your comments with interest, but I have to say that I find this one very disheartening. I think it's important to encourage all of us to strive for more than just accepting that our children will never move out of the house and that we are going to be forever supporting them, cleaning up after them, cooking for them and arranging playdates for them. As a mother of a 5 year old I am certainly hoping that early intervention, extra support and whatever services he needs now will lead to more than that. I appreciate the comments and advice given here. It is a much-needed dose of reality. Perhaps I'm living in a dream world but I really don't want those

dreams to be dashed this early on. On 6/6/08, BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123msn> wrote: Welcome to our life; I completely agree with you. I would have left alone at 10; now, I will for a few minutes but it is only if he is playing video games or something, as he won't get up from that, and it is in the basement (so if a storm, he's where we would make him go anyway)...............it is weird. I think the most important thing for us to know is that this is LIFE LONG and you best start planning for the future, preparing to possibly have to take his rights to 'parent' him as an adult and get him on lists NOW for adult services (and know there is a huge and up to 10

plus year waiting list for services for adults, so do NOT delay!). I hear you, and I agree. Ruthie Aspergers Treatment From: mlndhall Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2008 07:14:12 -0700Subject: ( ) "Growing Up" I am having difficulty with getting to a pointof "growing up". I know that there is a maturing issuefor kids with asperger's. I saw it more back when hewas in elementary school more so than now. I used tosay/think that he was, mature-wise, 2 years behind hisage. I don't think that anymore. He'll be 16 in acouple of days.We are having a hard time in getting him to realizethat he needs to start taking over his life. He wantsto in

the aspect of what he chooses to do and not do.What he eats and doesn't want to eat. Where he goesand where he doesn't. But there seems to be nounderstanding in his getting a job and starting tosupport himself. He wants a lot of stuff. We keeptelling him that if he had a job, he'd be able to getthe stuff. That doesn't seem to matter. He'd rather dowithout. Or wait for us to buy it for him. We have some neighbors that are moving and they askedfor him to come over and help pack stuff into the car.She offered to pay him. He was like, "I'm good." and"I'm busy." (Doing nothing.) Not even theunderstanding that he should help out people. Mostteens would like to do stuff to earn money. Wereminded him that she was going to pay him and hecould have money to buy what he wanted. But herefused.We want him to have a job for the summer. One of theneighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at thegrocery

store that we'd applied for for at 15and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe thatthey took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.We have had him apply for a volunteer position at thelibrary this summer. He loves the library. Heunderstands the way things work there. He hasexpressed an interest in working at a library when hegraduates. So, we are trying to get him in thisposition-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'llbe able to get a paid position if one comes open atthis library.But I don't know how to get through to him that it'stime to grow up. I know kids don't want to do it. AndI recall digging my heels in and not wanting to do itbecause my friends didn't have to work. But he needsto do something besides stay in his room all summerand watch tv or play games. And he needs to startmaking his own money. So how do I get him to transition into this position?I can

understand that he may never be able to live onhis own, but he is quite capable of working. Might betough to find a job he'd be able to stand long enoughto keep, but he needs to start. Tom was on his case last night, reminding him that heneeded to be working and get a job and told himto stop talking about it. I think he felt like Tom wasragging on him about it. But Tom was trying to get himto understand that he needs to step up to the plateand start taking this responsibility. He doesn't wantus to tell him what to do anymore (as any 15 yearold), but that also means he needs to take on more ofa role for himself.But how do I get him to "get it"?-Melinda

June 6, 2008

Melinda, after reading your whole post. It sounds like you ''love'' your son too much to stop enabling him. I know you said he has OCD. But it also sounds like he is fully capable of doing the things you want him to do, He just doesn't want to do it, Because he rather do his video games, get more yug-i-oh cards etc...(who gets it for him)? It wouldn't hurt to start with " tough love " right now...So he can be that independent person that you are hoping for. I would start with explaining changes that are going to happen. which includes packing the video games and other distractions for now. (for this summer) I know this is going to be hard and exhausting, but it's to help him. video games can become addicting. that's why he doesn't want to do choirs or work. but with these distractions gone (just for now) he can learn to focus on

other important things. (little by little). I'm sure there must be lots or resentment with his younger sister. But, by making your son more responsible, she (sister) won't feel like he doesn't have to do anything and she does most. I would also stop buying things that he wants. Like more games, yug-i-oh cards, DVD's etc... and let him work for it. maybe start with choirs in the house. and he can get an allowance for it. Maybe another neighbor needs some help and will pay him like the one that was moving. What if he were to get a job and if possible you work with him...just for a few weeks till he feels comfortable with it. Maybe a paper route, working in an icecream place, or the ASPCA. etc.... Maybe asking him what his goal would be that he would like to get. like getting his own car when able, getting a new bike, or a 4 wheeler ? I don't know what

he's into, but my point is, if he would like a 4 wheeler, you and him go out together and check some out and price them. lets say a used one is $2,000.00. let him know if he gets a job and saves the money. He can buy it for himself. These are just some quick thoughts. My son wants to go to lots of camps too. I explained to him I don't have lots of money, but I would send you on as many as I can. And he said he can get a job to help. I told this to a friend of mine which was looking for help around her yard and hired him. I take him there and I stay to supervise him and give a hand when needed. He got paid and loves it. He also made enough money for another camping trip. Yeah... It can work, but sometimes that tough love has to kick in. Hugs Rose Hall Melinda <mlndhall@...> wrote: I have a brother who is 55 and a professor at acollege in NY. He has tenure, a PH.D, is on the boardof the college. He's been married for 33 years to thesame woman. He has a daughter and is about to have agrandson. He would be a "poster child" for asperger'sif there was one. He is such a text-book case.I have another brother who I swear has aspergers,(undiagnosed because of the lack of knowledge backwhen my mom sought help), who is 43. He's married.He's held several different jobs. He has a daughterand step son. He's

been at his current job for a longtime. He is very immature for his age. He relies a loton our mom still and his wife is very "mothering" innature.So, they are VERY successful in their lives, eventhough they are very different in how the asperger'seffects their lives/behaviors.I think 's OCD component will hinder him morethan anything. I am striving to have him live on hisown. I think he's capable of doing it except maybemoney-wise. I think he'd spend it on everything otherthan what it's supposed to be used for. Or, he won'twant to go to work and thus no paycheck. As far as hisablitity to do so, we are going to try to help him sohe can move out and hopefully get married, etc. It's just that he doesn't seem to get that he needs totake this on and not keep relying on us to purchaseevery little thing he wants/needs. As for now, we doprovide food, shelter and clothing. But he

wantsYug-i-oh cards. He wants video games. He has choreshere he needs to perform to get an allowance. Half thetime he doesn't do his chores and earn his allowance.(And believe me, they are simple tasks and NOTHINGlike his sister has.) He wants to sit around and watchthings on the computer (of which he has a time limit),read his Rave Master books, listen to his ipod andwatch tv. He fights me on everything he needs to do tohelp out around the house. Lately he bulks at takingthe laundry basket upstairs. He says, "That's yourlaundry, why should I do it?" He simply has to carrythe basket up the stairs and set it on our bed.Doesn't have to do laundry (which he is good at anddoes his own), doesn't have to sort the laundry(which, if something of ours is in his load, he won'treturn), just simply carry the basket up 13 steps. Buthe refuses.Right now they have exams coming up, so we are tryingto keep any

real pressure off him. (Like making him dothe online practice test to get his learner's permit).We are trying to keep him as stress-free as possible.But if we don't make him get a job for the summer, hewon't do anything but stay up in his room and doabsolutely nothing but fight me all summer to dostuff. It's as if he feels he's entitled to sit aroundand do nothing. If he's working, then he doesn't needto do all the chores here. His best friend works-ALot. He buys stuff. whines all the time that he wants this andthat. His sister, who is 13, has a baby-sitting job onTuesday nights and earns money. She has been mowing mymom's yard and earns money. ( can't mow becauseof his allergies, and we allow for this). They have a youth camp coming up this month. He'sgoing to want money for stuff from camp. We alreadyhave to pay $275 for him to go. (Casey's been paid forby a member of the

church, but we still had to pay her$50 deposit.) We'll have to give him and his sistermoney for souveniers. But we only have so much togive. She'll probably have money to buy more becauseshe is making money. He seems to have this attitudethat someone else should just give him money.He needs a lot of reassurance because of his OCD. So,he may not be able to live alone because of his fears.I totally want him to be able to live on his own andget married and do all that stuff. That is what we areworking towards. And that is why I asked how to gethim to "get it" because I do not wish to carry the"load" for him. The reality is, that we may have to,but ONLY because I have exhausted every possibilityand he proves he cannot do it. Otherwise, I totallybelieve he can do this, but he just doesn't seem towant to or see why he we are nagging him to get a job.And that is why I posted what I did.I know I didn't

want to get a job when I was 15. But Idid. And I enjoyed getting stuff with the money Imade. But he just has no desire to do any of it andgets mad when we push.-Melinda

June 6, 2008

Thanks Rose,

We have stopped buying stuff for him that he wants.

Thanks for the suggestion of taking the games and

stuff away. I have to be careful with that though as

it is his means of de-stressing at times. But maybe

the threat that they will go away if he doesn't start

to " shape up " may be enough to light a fire under his

butt. If not, then we'll start to eliminate some

stuff.

He gets so mad that I won't buy him any " toys "

anymore. I thought having the allowance would help

him, because then he could get what he wanted. But

apparently not because he doesn't choose to do the

chores to get the allowance. Or he fights me too much.

Thanks again for the post!

-Melinda

June 6, 2008

Melinda, our kids are very VERY smart. and with your last sentence, " or he fights me too much ". kids know this, they know if they have meltdowns, and keep it up long enough, we (parents) will get tired of hearing them and give in. some will make the meltdowns last a very long time. You will both have to KEEP aware of this and keep strong and remind him that his chores need to get done or the games will be packed today !. and you will have to stick with that. because kids will know we are bluffing and it won't work...Don't be afraid to say the { no } word. if he starts to " fight you " WALK AWAY from him....if he's allowed to stay home alone for a bit. go out. when you come back home, ask if he did " what he was told to do " if not. remove his games. and again say, if this isn't finished in one hour. I will remove something else. (and tell him what that something else would

be). If he has another meltdown. go out for a latte !. when you come home, and its not done, remove the item that you said you would remove. When he does something he should, maybe you both can go out together for a movie or something else that's a reward. then start to increase the choirs. I know this isn't going to happen overnight !!!. Our social skills instructor (which is awesome) said. He got into a habit of doing this HIS way, and its going to take longer to get out of that habit and redirecting him to a new and better habit, and him applying it. it does take time. its better to start now than when he's finished with high school. ** with being consistent, and firm, it will work !!! wishing you and your son the best .... HUGS RoseHall Melinda <mlndhall@...> wrote: Thanks Rose,We have stopped buying stuff for him that he wants.Thanks for the suggestion of taking the games andstuff away. I have to be careful with that though asit is his means of de-stressing at times. But maybethe threat that they will go away if he doesn't startto "shape up" may be enough to light a fire under hisbutt. If not, then we'll start to eliminate somestuff.He gets so mad that I won't buy him any "toys"anymore. I thought having the allowance would helphim, because then he could get what he wanted. Butapparently not

because he doesn't choose to do thechores to get the allowance. Or he fights me too much.Thanks again for the post!-Melinda

June 6, 2008

Melinda, don't beat yourself up over trying to motivate your son.

IMHO and my experience with 23 yr old, you could remove every single

item in his life, set up his room like a prison cell and it wouldn't

make a whit of difference. He'd lay on his back and look at the

ceiling until HE was ready to do anything. In our case, it got much

better once he was motivated for HIMSELF and found something HE was

really interested in. Not what we thought was important, like

cleanliness and hygiene or money! The library sounds fantastic for

him. I think anything they love, even if not paid, is better than a

job they hate, just for the money, especially if money has no meaning.

Our son has never had any concept or appreciation for $$! At most any

given time there might be a wadded up $20 hanging out of his pocket,

or on the floor or on the driveway.

Not too long ago we left him overnight and I gave him money to order

a pizza. When I asked how much he would tip the guy, he

anwered, " $20? " Yes, that was a 2-0, not 2! Part of it is his math

disablity, so that amounts, measurements etc. don't have a lot of

meaning...but sheesh!

But, it is never too early to start looking at your options, whether

school: are they providing any transitioning services? does he have

an IEP? or state or programs for residential in your area.

My theory is to remove " mom " from the picture as much as possible and

try and get them to assume their own care and feeding. But I

sympathize! It is darn near impossible and I am still looking for

alive-in retired Marine Drill Sargeant! LOL

Good luck, it takes SO MUCH LONGER with most of these kids...think 4-

8 years behind in maturity and sometimes more. Hang in there.

Sue in TN

>

> Welcome to our life; I completely agree with you. & nbsp; I would

have left alone at 10; now, I will for a few minutes but it is

only if he is playing video games or something, as he won't get up

from that, and it is in the basement (so if a storm, he's where we

would make him go anyway)..... ......... .it is weird. & nbsp; I think

the most important thing for us to know is that this is LIFE LONG and

you best start planning for the future, preparing to possibly have to

take his rights to 'parent' him as an adult and get him on lists NOW

for adult services (and know there is a huge and up to 10 plus year

waiting list for services for adults, so do NOT delay!). & nbsp; I hear

you, and I agree. & nbsp; Ruthie

>

> Aspergers Treatment

> From: mlndhall (DOT) com

> Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2008 07:14:12 -0700

> Subject: ( ) " Growing Up "

>

> I am having difficulty with getting to a point

> of " growing up " . I know that there is a maturing issue

> for kids with asperger's. I saw it more back when he

> was in elementary school more so than now. I used to

> say/think that he was, mature-wise, 2 years behind his

> age. I don't think that anymore. He'll be 16 in a

> couple of days.

>

> We are having a hard time in getting him to realize

> that he needs to start taking over his life. He wants

> to in the aspect of what he chooses to do and not do.

> What he eats and doesn't want to eat. Where he goes

> and where he doesn't. But there seems to be no

> understanding in his getting a job and starting to

> support himself. He wants a lot of stuff. We keep

> telling him that if he had a job, he'd be able to get

> the stuff. That doesn't seem to matter. He'd rather do

> without. Or wait for us to buy it for him.

>

> We have some neighbors that are moving and they asked

> for him to come over and help pack stuff into the car.

> She offered to pay him. He was like, " I'm good. " and

> " I'm busy. " (Doing nothing.) Not even the

> understanding that he should help out people. Most

> teens would like to do stuff to earn money. We

> reminded him that she was going to pay him and he

> could have money to buy what he wanted. But he

> refused.

>

> We want him to have a job for the summer. One of the

> neighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at the

> grocery store that we'd applied for for at 15

> and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe that

> they took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.

>

> We have had him apply for a volunteer position at the

> library this summer. He loves the library. He

> understands the way things work there. He has

> expressed an interest in working at a library when he

> graduates. So, we are trying to get him in this

> position-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'll

> be able to get a paid position if one comes open at

> this library.

>

> But I don't know how to get through to him that it's

> time to grow up. I know kids don't want to do it. And

> I recall digging my heels in and not wanting to do it

> because my friends didn't have to work. But he needs

> to do something besides stay in his room all summer

> and watch tv or play games. And he needs to start

> making his own money.

>

> So how do I get him to transition into this position?

> I can understand that he may never be able to live on

> his own, but he is quite capable of working. Might be

> tough to find a job he'd be able to stand long enough

> to keep, but he needs to start.

>

> Tom was on his case last night, reminding him that he

> needed to be working and get a job and told him

> to stop talking about it. I think he felt like Tom was

> ragging on him about it. But Tom was trying to get him

> to understand that he needs to step up to the plate

> and start taking this responsibility. He doesn't want

> us to tell him what to do anymore (as any 15 year

> old), but that also means he needs to take on more of

> a role for himself.

>

> But how do I get him to " get it " ?

>

> -Melinda

>

> & nbsp;

>

June 6, 2008

We met with a school-provided behavioral specialist a bit ago to discuss how to

get my 12

yo son back into class. He's been self-contained because he slept a lot this

year. And

then there were issues the two years previously that we shall not discuss

tonight.

Anyway, what the consultant asked me was, " what do you see him doing after high

school?

"

College. Then he had me decide a general framework for getting my son from

sleeping

half the day now to college in 7 years. I did that, with what family support

and school

support will likely happen. I even went into his mid 20s to say my goal for him

is to live

outside the family home and support himself in his desired lifestyle. (We're a

simple

people and we live in the midwest--there are a lot of possibilities. LOL)

When he is working, he may need a few ADA accommodations (scheduling, maybe?) so

he'll need to know what is allowed and how to ask for it.

In college, there are also ADA accommodations (computer for writing, notetaker,

extended

time on tests?) and he'll have to know which of those allowed. And how to ask

for them.

To get a high school diploma, it would be best if he could attend school all

day. So how

do we get there? He has to be able to handle his meltdowns a bit better. He

also has to be

able to work nicely with others without insisting on being the boss. There are

a lot of little

things.

All the way, we will be documenting his strengths and weaknesses and how we have

accommodated and remediated successfully throughout his school career. So when

he

gets to college, he will have a good idea of the best way to approach professors

and such

for any adjustments.

I assume he'll live at home during college. Cheaper that way for me, too.

There is one

university and one community college within commuting distance. Although that

would

mean he'd have to have a driver's license. That's a whole different story.

He may start working while living at home for a while. Also okay with me if

that's what it

takes.

He has several times had big emotional moments when he is scared something might

happen to me, and then who would take care of him. I know him so well. He is

currently

not interesting in getting married and having kids. Also okay.

Jackie

June 7, 2008

I understand where you are coming from. I have a 29 year old, and you

will see I posted about what kind of training others may have gotten

for their child. I think the library, since I have a background in

library work, would be a good fit. Some libraries have shelvers, and

that would be a good start. Others have other types of positions. I

think change is hard for our kids, and I think that it is frightening

to leave the safety of home and be under someone else's charge. My son

has other health issues that are making this all so very

difficult...even more than it already is. I don't know what you say,

other than to emphasize how much he will enjoy having his own spending

money. I will read the other posts and see what they say. Lori

> We want him to have a job for the summer. One of the

> neighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at the

> grocery store that we'd applied for for at 15

> and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe that

> they took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.

>

> We have had him apply for a volunteer position at the

> library this summer. He loves the library. He

> understands the way things work there. He has

> expressed an interest in working at a library when he

> graduates. So, we are trying to get him in this

> position-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'll

> be able to get a paid position if one comes open at

> this library.

> -Melinda

>

June 7, 2008

----- Original Message -----

Posted by: " carolynsuelowerychattanooga " sue@...

carolynsuelowerychattanooga

Date: Fri Jun 6, 2008 5:21 pm ((PDT))

> Melinda, don't beat yourself up over trying to motivate your son.

> IMHO and my experience with 23 yr old, you could remove every single

> item in his life, set up his room like a prison cell and it wouldn't

> make a whit of difference. He'd lay on his back and look at the

> ceiling until HE was ready to do anything.

I empathise totally with this comment. My son turns 24 this year and is only

starting to emerge into a real " life " .

It has been a very long and trying time watching him enter adulthood. High

school was heartbreaking. He squeaked through university, although he

clearly didn't make good use of the time away from home. Since graduating he

has not been able to find a job that pays well enough to support himself, so

he has spent the last year working at a low-paying job and living at

home....largely at loose ends.

At the same time, we see signs of some fundamental life skills emerging.

It's one small long-overdue step at a time.

What hasn't worked - and I kick myself for not understanding this sooner -

was the normal parental urge to become the disciplinarian and put a fatherly

boot to his you-know-where. As a parent you need to set clear expectations

about what's right and wrong, but you can only " lead the horse to water " .

The harder I pushed, the less we communicated and the worse his self-esteem

became. You cannot solve this problem by creating a structure and trying to

force your child into it.

What has worked - was understanding that we can't save him from himself and

accepting that we will have to be there as he fails. When he does - we try

to be there to give him insight - frankly, but with empathy - into what went

wrong. It seems that Aspies do develop some social awareness eventually and

only then do they develop the urge to move forward. Fortunately, they can be

brutally clinical. Giving them the facts - without judgement - when they are

able to process them really helps.

Lately we have established better communication with our son, and as he has

started to want to " catch up " we have only just started to be able to work

with him. He has saved enough to backpack through Europe in August, and then

he's planning to go back to school to improve his grade average. He is

actually thinking through what it will take to be able to afford to live on

his own and showing some resolve to try. Recently, after a memorable row

with his mother, he actually took the initiative and turned up with a card

and flowers to say sorry......the first time we have seen that level of

maturity or concern for others' feelings.

For those whose kids are still at a young age, my advice would be - never

give up hope, but accept that the ordeal won't be over any time soon and

don't force things....less is more.

-

June 7, 2008

I realize I am coming into this conversation late (been away the

past few days) but can I ask... what is the big hurry? I understand

you are trying to give your son independance but maybe your going

about it the wrong way. When I was 16 I didn't have my drivers

licesne, didn't cook (thats the one thing that hasn't changed that

much, I have a few meals that I cook repeatedly), wasn't really

interested in a job (no matter how little my parents gave

allowence), and I was immature still am.

Now I just graduated from a school that is quite good, going into

grad school in special education next year at Kansas (one of the

best in the country for that program, best in the country for a

school with an autism program). Granted I am still a bit immature

(I hold decent conversations with teens all the time 15-18, they are

just more interesting to talk to then my age group thats all about

sex (which I don't ever bring up so don't assume that) and

drinking... I also don't drink) and still can't cook much. You

know... you can only be young once, maybe you should stop worrying

so much about getting a job and let that happens as it does. Sounds

to me like he is just a little behind.

Lastly, I know in America the tradition is once you are 18 you are

out of the house, but that doesn't make it a good tradition. I know

NTs that are 24+ and college graduates (from a pretty presidous

university) in Korea that still live at home and probably will until

they start a family of their own. Don't be in such a hurry of

making him self-relient if he needs to stay at home until 25 or so

thats fine (especcially if he is working or going to school, I was

tempted to move back home for grad school instead of getting a place

of my own, who knows, it might still happen due to cooking issues.)

So I guess the jist of it, is that he is only young once, let him

enjoy it while he can.

>

> I am having difficulty with getting to a point

> of " growing up " . I know that there is a maturing issue

> for kids with asperger's. I saw it more back when he

> was in elementary school more so than now. I used to

> say/think that he was, mature-wise, 2 years behind his

> age. I don't think that anymore. He'll be 16 in a

> couple of days.

>

> We are having a hard time in getting him to realize

> that he needs to start taking over his life. He wants

> to in the aspect of what he chooses to do and not do.

> What he eats and doesn't want to eat. Where he goes

> and where he doesn't. But there seems to be no

> understanding in his getting a job and starting to

> support himself. He wants a lot of stuff. We keep

> telling him that if he had a job, he'd be able to get

> the stuff. That doesn't seem to matter. He'd rather do

> without. Or wait for us to buy it for him.

>

> We have some neighbors that are moving and they asked

> for him to come over and help pack stuff into the car.

> She offered to pay him. He was like, " I'm good. " and

> " I'm busy. " (Doing nothing.) Not even the

> understanding that he should help out people. Most

> teens would like to do stuff to earn money. We

> reminded him that she was going to pay him and he

> could have money to buy what he wanted. But he

> refused.

>

> We want him to have a job for the summer. One of the

> neighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at the

> grocery store that we'd applied for for at 15

> and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe that

> they took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.

>

> We have had him apply for a volunteer position at the

> library this summer. He loves the library. He

> understands the way things work there. He has

> expressed an interest in working at a library when he

> graduates. So, we are trying to get him in this

> position-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'll

> be able to get a paid position if one comes open at

> this library.

>

> But I don't know how to get through to him that it's

> time to grow up. I know kids don't want to do it. And

> I recall digging my heels in and not wanting to do it

> because my friends didn't have to work. But he needs

> to do something besides stay in his room all summer

> and watch tv or play games. And he needs to start

> making his own money.

>

> So how do I get him to transition into this position?

> I can understand that he may never be able to live on

> his own, but he is quite capable of working. Might be

> tough to find a job he'd be able to stand long enough

> to keep, but he needs to start.

>

> Tom was on his case last night, reminding him that he

> needed to be working and get a job and told him

> to stop talking about it. I think he felt like Tom was

> ragging on him about it. But Tom was trying to get him

> to understand that he needs to step up to the plate

> and start taking this responsibility. He doesn't want

> us to tell him what to do anymore (as any 15 year

> old), but that also means he needs to take on more of

> a role for himself.

>

> But how do I get him to " get it " ?

>

> -Melinda

>

June 9, 2008

Well, if he is a few years delayed in maturity, then you are trying to get a 14 year old to get a job. I also don't know that the whole "get a job" routine means the same to them as it does to us. It's a change, it's new, and that makes it easier to avoid than to accept. We did get our ds a job at his dad's business when he was 16. It lasted about one year a few times per week. He hated it - the kind of work he was doing. He's not worked since and he's 19 yo now.

I've seen some kids with AS pushed into working and it has blown up big time. There is a lot of confusion, mistakes made, stress and anxiety. So if you find a job, make sure they know he has special needs or be able to have a job coach for a week or two. That might help things. Also, try to find something familiar - like the library. Once he gets started and gets comfortable, I bet he will do ok if the other workers are pleased with his work. Sometimes the routine is the most important piece.

Another thing to consider is having him do small jobs around the house. He may decide getting a job is better than working for you! lol. Tell him he is your worker every morning from 9 - 11, for instance so he has a routine and is ready. But tell him the job, give him a time limit and the amount he will earn when it's done. I would start small and work up to bigger projects. But I would not be worried at his age about getting an outside job due to the immaturity and the problems he will have. I think I've seen the maturity thing kicking in more now at 19 yo. But it is a slow process - slower than you get with a typical kid. It's just not going to be the same so comparing it to what you did at that age or what the neighbor kid is doing is just going to cause you frustration.

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) "Growing Up"

I am having difficulty with getting to a pointof "growing up". I know that there is a maturing issuefor kids with asperger's. I saw it more back when hewas in elementary school more so than now. I used tosay/think that he was, mature-wise, 2 years behind hisage. I don't think that anymore. He'll be 16 in acouple of days.We are having a hard time in getting him to realizethat he needs to start taking over his life. He wantsto in the aspect of what he chooses to do and not do.What he eats and doesn't want to eat. Where he goesand where he doesn't. But there seems to be nounderstanding in his getting a job and starting tosupport himself. He wants a lot of stuff. We keeptelling him that if he had a job, he'd be able to getthe stuff. That doesn't seem to matter. He'd rather dowithout. Or wait for us to buy it for him. We have some neighbors that are moving and they askedfor him to come over and help pack stuff into the car.She offered to pay him. He was like, "I'm good." and"I'm busy." (Doing nothing.) Not even theunderstanding that he should help out people. Mostteens would like to do stuff to earn money. Wereminded him that she was going to pay him and hecould have money to buy what he wanted. But herefused.We want him to have a job for the summer. One of theneighborhood kids is 14 and he got a job at thegrocery store that we'd applied for for at 15and we never heard from them. We couldn't believe thatthey took a 14 year old over a 15 year old.We have had him apply for a volunteer position at thelibrary this summer. He loves the library. Heunderstands the way things work there. He hasexpressed an interest in working at a library when hegraduates. So, we are trying to get him in thisposition-even if it's volunteer now, and maybe he'llbe able to get a paid position if one comes open atthis library.But I don't know how to get through to him that it'stime to grow up. I know kids don't want to do it. AndI recall digging my heels in and not wanting to do itbecause my friends didn't have to work. But he needsto do something besides stay in his room all summerand watch tv or play games. And he needs to startmaking his own money. So how do I get him to transition into this position?I can understand that he may never be able to live onhis own, but he is quite capable of working. Might betough to find a job he'd be able to stand long enoughto keep, but he needs to start. Tom was on his case last night, reminding him that heneeded to be working and get a job and told himto stop talking about it. I think he felt like Tom wasragging on him about it. But Tom was trying to get himto understand that he needs to step up to the plateand start taking this responsibility. He doesn't wantus to tell him what to do anymore (as any 15 yearold), but that also means he needs to take on more ofa role for himself.But how do I get him to "get it"?-Melinda

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG. Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 270.0.0/1487 - Release Date: 6/6/2008 8:01 AM

June 30, 2008

Sorry i did not mean for this to sound mean or upset anyone.

Please forgive if I offended anyone.

Marj

July 1, 2008

Marj,

I saw nothing in your post that sounded offensive and I probably would have said

it

a bit stronger. <G>

I have raised my AS kids as any other outside of adjusting communication to how

they

preceive it, etc.

The way I look at it these kids are NORMAL, they just think and learn slightly

different

than the school teaches. With that in mind I treat them normal, expect them to

get a

job when they are 18 or still be in school. I expect them to help around the

house and

follow the rules (age appropriate) or pay the consequences. If, at age 18, they

are still

rebellious and refuse to follow the rules out they go.

Did it for DD on her 18th to give her a taste of reality. Those few months to a

year did

a world of good for us both. lol She is now 22, married 2 years and they just

had their

first child who grandma adores.

The way I look see it I will handicap my child just because someone has stated

in the

law their condition is classified as handicapped. They will learn to stand on

their own

two feet and as long as they are trying I will be there to guild them and help

catch them

if they topple and teach them a better alternative. But if they buck me like a

wild stallion

I will ride them, whip them into shape (finguratively speaking) until they

realize that life

is a b*tch if you are not prepared. At 18 if they are still bucking...I give

them more room

outside my house. Tis called tough love.

Dee ><)))*>

>

> Sorry i did not mean for this to sound mean or upset anyone.

>

> Please forgive if I offended anyone.

>

> Marj

>

July 8, 2008

That is great if your child's disability isn't that much of a disability.

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Re: "Growing Up"

Marj,I saw nothing in your post that sounded offensive and I probably would have said it a bit stronger. <G> I have raised my AS kids as any other outside of adjusting communication to how theypreceive it, etc. The way I look at it these kids are NORMAL, they just think and learn slightly differentthan the school teaches. With that in mind I treat them normal, expect them to get a job when they are 18 or still be in school. I expect them to help around the house andfollow the rules (age appropriate) or pay the consequences. If, at age 18, they are still rebellious and refuse to follow the rules out they go. Did it for DD on her 18th to give her a taste of reality. Those few months to a year did a world of good for us both. lol She is now 22, married 2 years and they just had theirfirst child who grandma adores. The way I look see it I will handicap my child just because someone has stated in the law their condition is classified as handicapped. They will learn to stand on their own two feet and as long as they are trying I will be there to guild them and help catch themif they topple and teach them a better alternative. But if they buck me like a wild stallionI will ride them, whip them into shape (finguratively speaking) until they realize that lifeis a b*tch if you are not prepared. At 18 if they are still bucking...I give them more roomoutside my house. Tis called tough love. Dee ><)))*>>> Sorry i did not mean for this to sound mean or upset anyone.> > Please forgive if I offended anyone.> > Marj>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG. Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.3/1528 - Release Date: 7/1/2008 7:26 AM

July 8, 2008

Glad you have normal kids; I have two with Asperger's Syndrome, and to expect them to be their ages and age appropriate is certainly NOT realistic at my house; wish it were. If my 14 year old lived a few days with you, I am certain you would HAVE to change your opinion, and you would be reduced to a pile on the floor, beat up, or something worse, 'cuz he is NOT workable, flexible, willing to NOT be acting up, no matter what we do / have done. It is VERY frustrating but sounds like you can handle them. I would suggest honestly, that you start a program for them; my son can be your first case (HOW CAN WE SIGN UP)??? No one else has gotten to him / gotten him to be age appropriate, do age appropriate behaviors, jobs, chores, words and behaviors, so since you can, I want signed up, and want him in your programming!!! Seriously!! He is being made to come home Monday, and my husband and I are dreading it 'cuz he is at shelter and C.I.N.A.'ed right now due to his behaviors in the home including throwing a 20 plus inch candle stick holder and threw it at my five year old, injuring him, and no matter what my husband, his 6'5" 320 plus pound 20 years of experienced therapist could not stop him / get him under control, so we NEED YOUR HELP!!!! Ruthie From: madideas@...Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2008 09:26:20 -0400Subject: Re: ( ) Re: "Growing Up"

That is great if your child's disability isn't that much of a disability.

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Re: "Growing Up"

Marj,I saw nothing in your post that sounded offensive and I probably would have said it a bit stronger. <G> I have raised my AS kids as any other outside of adjusting communication to how theypreceive it, etc. The way I look at it these kids are NORMAL, they just think and learn slightly differentthan the school teaches. With that in mind I treat them normal, expect them to get a job when they are 18 or still be in school. I expect them to help around the house andfollow the rules (age appropriate) or pay the consequences. If, at age 18, they are still rebellious and refuse to follow the rules out they go. Did it for DD on her 18th to give her a taste of reality. Those few months to a year did a world of good for us both. lol She is now 22, married 2 years and they just had theirfirst child who grandma adores. The way I look see it I will handicap my child just because someone has stated in the law their condition is classified as handicapped. They will learn to stand on their own two feet and as long as they are trying I will be there to guild them and help catch themif they topple and teach them a better alternative. But if they buck me like a wild stallionI will ride them, whip them into shape (finguratively speaking) until they realize that lifeis a b*tch if you are not prepared. At 18 if they are still bucking...I give them more roomoutside my house. Tis called tough love. Dee ><)))*>>> Sorry i did not mean for this to sound mean or upset anyone.> > Please forgive if I offended anyone.> > Marj>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG. Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.3/1528 - Release Date: 7/1/2008 7:26 AM

July 8, 2008

>

> Glad you have normal kids; I have two with Asperger's Syndrome, and

to expect them to be their ages and age appropriate is certainly NOT

realistic at my house; wish it were. ...

I agree with Roxanne and Ruthie--you all may be in for a rude

awakening at some point. It is not unusual for aspies, especially

very bright ones, to manage okay until sometime in jr or sr high. At

some point they will hit a wall where their weak executive functioning

and slow processing speed, and whatever other neurological issues they

have, overcome them. It may especially be bad if they have been going

without treatment and have not been seriously working on any of these

problems. And that is the problem with waiting until the problems get

so bad nobody can miss them--early intervention does help. And

because of the subtlety of very bright aspies, it is difficult and

time-consuming to find people qualified to help--another reason to

start looking before it gets to be a crisis.

Just my two cents. I was once in your shoes. I never dreamed my

bright little boys would someday develop " school problems " . The thing

is, although their behavior doesn't look that much different from the

other kids, they won't just grow out of their problems the way the

other kids will. They can't learn from experience that way, but have

to be explicitly taught (or think through it themselves). When your

child makes what looks like careless mistakes and is not paying

attention to directions, he actually may not be ABLE to follow the

directions and the mistakes may not be due to carelessness but

executive dysfunction. This would be very typical Asperger, and it

would also be very typical teacher response. This is the type of

thing you are going to be fighting your child's entire academic career.

Good luck--hope this helps!

Ruth

July 28, 2008

, I too suffered from being raped at a young age but I was only 9 and

my mom wouldn't believe me because it was a special friend of hers as I

grew older I resented the man for it then when I was 15 a friend of the

family once again tried to rape me but I got away before anything happened

when I had my daughter I vowed that no man never would go near her well mom

and I clashed big time because my parents lived with ME I finally told

daddy why I refused to have either guy in my house I had never told him what

had happened because my mom told me it was my fault so I ignored the bad

feelings I just kept my distance from them daddy made me go talk to

counselor I have since out grown my hate of all men my poor husband was

understanding but I was very mean and abusive to him I was also slapped

around

by my first husband I hit back a lot but when he hit MY son and I found I

was pregnant again I left my second husband was a childhood best

friend he was my crying and leaning shoulder we have been married going

on

21 yrs he is the best friend and hubby I could ever ask for I'm very

spoiled even more so since my accident in 2002 he understanding and caring

so hold your head up I'm glad you got a chance to tell him off after I

did the same thing I felt so empowered it was like a ton of burden just

went off my shoulders take care and god bless we s are strong

women plus I'm a lill redneck lol

**************Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for

FanHouse Fantasy Football today.

(http://www.fanhouse.com/fantasyaffair?ncid=aolspr00050000000020)

July 28, 2008

I must be superstitious. I am afraid to tell anyone how wonderful my

husband is, because I am afraid something will go wrong and he won't be

wonderful

any more or my relationship will end and I will look stupid for all the good

things I said. Maybe one day I will be comfortable with it and I can everyone

how wonderful he is to me and how amazing of a person he has become.

In a message dated 7/28/2008 1:09:44 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

crittersrose87@... writes: