Re: Son so moody and mean

[Guest guest]

aint' parenthood fun....

( ) Son so moody and mean

Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or others have the same problems.My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, pant worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to him in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty tone. He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. That is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend...but even that has cooled...he only cares about getting his way.Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his friend...I told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. He told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and told him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and said...fine and pull the xbox out and took it to my room. He then told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you burn in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment and I really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.Jan

[Guest guest]

Oh, yeah.....it really stinks and it is so depressing...I see other kids and watch how they act with their parents....not like my son....

I may take him to get a haircut on Saturday...short and then take all his pants and get his elastic waist pants...

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Debra Balke <dlbalke@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean Date: Monday, January 12, 2009, 5:48 PM

aint' parenthood fun....

( ) Son so moody and mean

Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or others have the same problems.My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, pant worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to him in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty tone. He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. That is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend.. .but even that has cooled...he only cares about getting his way.Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his friend...I told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. He told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and told him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and said...fine and pull the

xbox out and took it to my room. He then told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you burn in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment and I really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.Jan

[Guest guest]

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.......

It is such a long, long, long road. The days are so slow and go on forever and ever. Like that GroundHog Day movie.... Every day is the same again and again and again......

( ) Son so moody and mean

Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or others have the same problems.My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, pant worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to him in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty tone. He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. That is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend...but even that has cooled...he only cares about getting his way.Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his friend...I told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. He told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and told him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and said...fine and pull the xbox out and took it to my room. He then told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you burn in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment and I really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.Jan

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[Guest guest]

Thank you! He hurt me deeply. How could he say that...Poppy just died...he knows Poppy isn't in hell....do you think he feels Poppy abandoned him...leaving him...and now me that I am not giving in to him.

I worry so much ...all he wants to do is play Xbox Live....nothing else...he can play for 20 hours straight...all his friends are on too. I understand it is a social thing too...but it is like a drug...and it has taken him over.

So, I am setting limits....one hour on Mon and Wed. and Friday maybe 3 and Saturday he can't get on till he has helped around the house and then maybe 2 hours and take a break and earn more time ....

I like the idea of throwing the pants out...I hate seeing his underwear...I let him grow his hair on the longer side and I don't say anything about his shirts...but the pants and underwear are driving me NUTS! He is so sensitive to things and how they feel...I think that is how he started wearing his pants loose...he doesn't like anything tight....I have gone thru so many pairs of socks and underwear....I could have opened a store!

But, getting back to what he said....he never said anything as cruel as that...I wish you would burn in hell? Where did that come from? He has told me he hates me, that I am the meanest person in the world, that all his friends hate me...so on and so on...but to burn in hell? Ugh! I did tell him later that he hurt me very very deeply! He did say he was sorry 3x...but sometimes it feels like it is just a routine...like he just says it and doesn't mean it.

This is all so confusing and stressful....and the teenage years have just begun....I feel I lost the sweet huggable child I use to have when he was 3. I guess the hormones are raging and he is growing so much...I swear he is grew 3 inches since Sept. He is taller than me now and calls me a midget.

Oh, today was Act 80 day in school and we watched this movie

"Last one Picked, First One Picked On" by Lavoie...he has a school in Hyannis Mass. (Cape cod) ...I also know he wrote a book....was this movie super...OMG....he hit everything one the head....I told our Superintendent that all school personnel need to watch this movie....Wow...what insight this man has. And, he said when kids make social errors...don't discipline them...use it as a time to teach them the correct thing to do....also they do Autoposy...dissect the problem and figure out what was done incorrectly and what should have been done....

Anyways, thanks Roxanna...you are so good...I am keeping your post to read again and again.....

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean Date: Wednesday, January 14, 2009, 9:49 AM

Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>

I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it. It's more like a matter of survival really. Will you make it? lol. I try not to answer that or fate might smack me. But hey, two down and three to go. lol...

Anyway, I would suggest you pick your battles overall. I am not as easy to give up a battle as my dh. But he reminds me to pick my battles and in the end, he is usually right about it. So decide to put up with some things if they are not going to kill you. Clothing is really not such a big deal unless you can see underwear (I hate that, lol) or he is wearing shirts that say offensive things or that do not cover primary body parts - the idea is you can set limits within a frame of what he wants depending on what your standards are. My oldest dd hit the teen stage when kids first started wearing jeans that were forty sizes too big and they hung down to their knees. My rule was I didn't want to see underwear hanging out. If I did, I threw the jeans out. So she got to wear baggy ugly jeans and I got to not see her undies sticking out. My next dd

had the "emo" stage where she wore nothing but black. What can I say? We learned to enjoy the color black a lot. lol. It was not pleasant for me but what did it hurt in the end? And we have tons of great pictures of her all in black to use in the future when her own kids hit a stage, lol. I still went shopping and said, "But the green shirt is much nicer...." and years later, she agrees now. <G>

As for the disrespectful attitude, it is so common during the teen stage with all kids. But you have to consider that yours has AS, a social disability. So while typical teens would know when to stop (or learn quickly when they have gone too far), the kid with AS doesn't learn so quickly or apply what he has learned, especially when he is really mad! Handling emotions is difficult anyway, but now you have a kid who has trouble identifying his own emotions and other people's emotions, add a large dose of testosterone, shake well and you have...well, you have your kid. lol. And your headache. <g>

Typical teens do not always consider your feelings - often the world is about them and what they want. But with AS/HFA, you have all the social deficits within this same kind of problem stage to deal with. So the problems can be magnified. Certainly, the way the teen deals with the problems can be much more severe.

This is not to say it's ok and you should put up with being called names or told to "go to hell." You have to decide for you and your house what has to stop and what you can deal with or put up with. So you might have to come up with ways to teach him better ways to get pissed off, acceptable things to yell when he's mad, etc.

From your email, it seems the problem started when he asked you to pick up his friend. You might sit down during a calm time and talk about this situation if it happens a lot. Let him know what your limits are about driving other kids around or picking them up. I know how you feel on this issue as I was the "parent taxi" for a while as well and I got tired of it fast. And it may take a few years of reminding and repeating your limits before your ds learns and stops asking or getting ticked off at you. But you make the rule, stick to it and do not get sucked in to an argument over it for any reason. If he begs, screams or calls you names - refuse, stick to your limit and leave the room. Eventually, he will see you are serious.

I learned that my oldest ds did not even notice how I was feeling about things. He's 20 yo and the biggest help has been to tell him how I am feeling when he does not notice or consider my feelings. I think just the last few years he has started to notice or try to anyway. But it only has come around by me saying, "Look now at my face....I am tired, I have a cold, my head hurts and the last thing I want to do is drive you across town. I did it yesterday, I'm done today. You need to plan ahead next time and ask me in advance." blah blah blah. Whatever your situation is - tell him your reason so he can see it. Even if he stomps off and yells, you are starting a learning process.

I must say that a few weeks ago, my ds's (20 yo, hfa) friend was over and I knew they would ask me to drive him home, like usual. I was ticked off about it too. I was feeling sick, tired and worn out! It's cold out there. I want to snuggle up with a blanket after a rough day. Well, later, kid comes up and leaves. I looked at my ds and said, "What happened? Where did he go?" My ds told me he had called his parents to come and get him. WHY? My ds then said, "Because you are tired and grouchy." lol. But it was a major achievement in that he took the time to notice how I was feeling, got it right and decided not to ask me at all. NICE! Ok, so it took all these years to get here. <GG> But this is good. Start now. It's a process.

When he mouths off, don't engage in it. I know it makes you mad and you want to smack him or shake him or send him to the moon for a year. But it's a lot easier to walk away and discuss it later when you and he have both calmed down. It's easier to say later, "I do not want you to say that to me ever again. It is hurtful and rude." and he will be listening instead of tuning you out. TALK! Have talks when things are going well about when things are not going well. It helps. He might pretend not to listen. Or he may not let it sink in for forty five times...but this is part of the disability. And you just have to stick to it.

The best teen advice I have is to not say "no" automatically. Listen to them, even when you know what they are going to say. Let them say it anyway. Then tell them why you can't do what they want. Even if they don't like your answer, you have heard them, considered it and given them a reason why you can't. It works better than just a "no". So next time you are caught in the "taxi service" dilemma, you might say briefly, "I worked all day. It was a tough day for me and I am just too tired to drive anywhere. Maybe next time." He still might stomp off in a huff. But I've gotten better luck this way over the long term. And next time HE has a tough day at school and looks it, identify it for him and say, "Yeah, I had a day like that last week, remember? All I wanted to do was go lay down and relax. I sure understand how you are feeling

now!"

Also remember, pick your battles as I have said but look at times you can actually let someone else battle for you. For instance, when he said he wasn't going to talk to the TSS, walk away. You don't have to fight that one. Let the TSS deal with him and his attitude. Isn't that the point of having a TSS? Let it not be your problem.

If it becomes a big issue where he constantly refuses to deal with the TSS, you might set up a reward system or better yet, let the TSS set one up. But I would not sit around arguing or yelling with a teen over whether he will or will not talk to the TSS who is going to arrive at any minute. Let him be ugly and walk away. Let the TSS deal with the ugly child while you go take a bubble bath or catch up on something else you need to do.

And finally, pace yourself. This is a long long road you are on. But it does get better.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Son so moody and mean

Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or others have the same problems.My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, pant worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to him in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty tone. He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. That is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend.. .but even that has cooled...he only cares about getting his way.Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his friend...I told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. He told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and told him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and said...fine and pull the

xbox out and took it to my room. He then told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you burn in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment and I really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.Jan

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.6/1888 - Release Date: 1/12/2009 7:04 AM

[Guest guest]

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical

teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)

Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say " no "

and not have a reason; going just on " feeling " at those times. So

couldn't say " no because.... " And they'd want to know the " why " of

it and " because I said so " wouldn't suffice. " There's ALWAYS a

reason " for saying no they'd say, " what's the real reason? " and I

wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently

weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't

tell them....

>

> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress

uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and

they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know

everything at this age. duh. <g>

>

> I've survived a ds and dd going through the " terrible teen " stage,

my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

[Guest guest]

I call that the "mama radar". I try to give a reason when I say no to something, but if my gut is saying no or I can't find the words to use that my kids can understand, I'll tell them my mama radar is telling me to say "no" and I've learned to trust it. I'll even say "I'm really not sure how I can explain this to you so I just need you to trust me on this one." Oftentimes they accept this b/c I only pull out the "mama radar" card every once in awhile and they trust me enough to accept it. Guess it could stop working as they get older though (my son is 12- AS, my daughter is 7- neurotypical). Then I'm going to need some help!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: <@...> Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 9:09:13 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting

to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

[Guest guest]

Ohhhh yeah! I have a 12 yo that demands a reason for everything. There are times when I just blow up and say, "Just stop asking me!!!!" It can make a person go insane! But I do try to reply nicely when I am not falling apart. The reason I give when I have no reason is usually just, "I am too tired to deal with this tonight....can we do it tomorrow/discuss it tomorrow?" Then I have time to think of a better reason or deal with it. Or hope they forget...like that ever happens....lol.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

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[Guest guest]

Oh poor ....dd is only 7....just wait! just wait! <GG> I can promise you that "mama radar" will not be acceptable when she is 14 or 15 and "everyone else is going!!!!!" lol. Girls are really tough at the teen stage!!

I can say with my oldest, we were a lot tougher on her. I guess over the years, they have worn us down. Lucky them. lol. Anyway, with my oldest, I would just tell her we didn't feel that it was acceptable for her to do (whatever she was asking to do.) We had standards and no, I didn't care if all the other kids parents don't love their kids as much as I love her. lol. She hated that one. But she has 3 kids now herself and she doesn't think I was so terrible after all now...

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

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[Guest guest]

Yes, that is true. The bad language is a problem in the pre-teen/teen years. I think we even have it with my 20 yo (hfa) but he has learned to do it behind our backs. But his siblings tell on him a lot and I am still trying to get him to stop doing it.

One feature my ds picked up is to "beep" in that high pitched beeping sound in place of the bad word. You know how they do that on tv all the time - bleep out words we shouldn't hear...well, Sponge bob had one episode about nasty words. I do admit, it was a funny episode really. But it haunted us and still does because my ds started beeping after that. If he wanted to curse at anyone, he would say, "You are a BEEEEP!" or "Son of a BEEEP!" Sure, we didn't hear the actual nasty words, but they were there anyway. And it was even more embarrassing in public. Nobody notices if someone says "s**t, he**, or da**" these days but everyone looks when they hear a loud "BEEP!"

On a funny note, I noticed that some of the neighbor kids were copying his example so that they could say bad words and not get in trouble, lol. That part I thought was funny. But anyway, I finally told him a "Beep" was the same as if he was saying the actual word so he would get in trouble for it anyway. That seems to have slowed it down some and I am not constantly hearing beeping. There are still bad days when the two younger ds's are upstairs playing and they get mad at eachother - then all I hear is screaming and beeping, lol...The new phrase from cartoons/kid shows lately for him is to say, "What the....?" leaving the "he**" part silent but hanging there. I noticed this is a big phrase lately on tv shows, even for kids. And of course, nobody does it better than my 12 yo. If you heard it once or twice, here or there, you probably wouldn't really notice it. But my 12 yo doesn't do that - doesn't integrate it normally. Instead, he says it ALL THE TIME. Pretty soon, your eyes are spinning when he even says the first word, you are so sick of hearing it.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Son so moody and mean> > > > > > Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or > others > > have the same problems.> > > > My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, > pant > > worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to > him > > in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty > tone. > > > > He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. > That > > is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend...but even that has > > cooled...he only cares about getting his way.> > > > Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his > friend...I > > told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son > > doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. > He > > told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and > told > > him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not > > going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and > > said...fine and pull the xbox out and took it to my room. He then > > told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you > burn > > in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I > > have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment > and I > > really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.> > > > Jan> > > > > > > > > > > > > > ----------------------------------------------------------> ----------> > > > > > > > No virus found in this incoming message.> > Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com > > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.6/1888 - Release Date: > 1/12/2009 7:04 AM> >> > > > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------> > > > No virus found in this incoming message.> Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.7/1893 - Release Date: 1/14/2009 6:59 AM>

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[Guest guest]

Oh...here's a good one. Dylan (12, Aspergers) came up with the word "olm" a few years ago. Olm can mean whatever he wants it to mean and he communicated that point very clearly. Well, he got into trouble for calling someone an "olm" at school. It wasn't a good thing, but it CRACKED ME UP! I can just hear the teacher saying "you shouldn't be calling people an olm". In fact, when I was emailed about the problem, they didn't come close to spelling it right. But he got lunch detention for it! How can I argue w/ my son when he says "olm" isn't a bad word? He's SO SMART.

Then we moved on from "olm" to "freakin" this and "freakin" that. We all know what that word sounds like, but he swears it's not a bad word so why can't he use it? I aruge that "freakin" isn't a bad word but it sounds too much like the real "f" word. He still uses it though, just not as much.

By the way, he's also very proud of his ability to find "loopholes". He said it's one of the best things about him! I think he needs to be a lawyer one day, but there's no way I'm going through law school with him to make sure he's doing his assignments and turning things in! Or maybe we should just go to law school together. I've been told many times I'd make a good lawyer too =)

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Roxanna <madideas@...> Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 10:53:47 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Yes, that is true. The bad language is a problem in the pre-teen/teen years. I think we even have it with my 20 yo (hfa) but he has learned to do it behind our backs. But his siblings tell on him a lot and I am still trying to get him to stop doing it.

One feature my ds picked up is to "beep" in that high pitched beeping sound in place of the bad word. You know how they do that on tv all the time - bleep out words we shouldn't hear...well, Sponge bob had one episode about nasty words. I do admit, it was a funny episode really. But it haunted us and still does because my ds started beeping after that. If he wanted to curse at anyone, he would say, "You are a BEEEEP!" or "Son of a BEEEP!" Sure, we didn't hear the actual nasty words, but they were there anyway. And it was even more embarrassing in public. Nobody notices if someone says "s**t, he**, or da**" these days but everyone looks when they hear a loud "BEEP!"

On a funny note, I noticed that some of the neighbor kids were copying his example so that they could say bad words and not get in trouble, lol. That part I thought was funny. But anyway, I finally told him a "Beep" was the same as if he was saying the actual word so he would get in trouble for it anyway. That seems to have slowed it down some and I am not constantly hearing beeping. There are still bad days when the two younger ds's are upstairs playing and they get mad at eachother - then all I hear is screaming and beeping, lol...The new phrase from cartoons/kid shows lately for him is to say, "What the....?" leaving the "he**" part silent but hanging there. I noticed this is a big phrase lately on tv shows, even for kids. And of course, nobody does it better than my 12 yo. If you heard it once or twice,

here or there, you probably wouldn't really notice it. But my 12 yo doesn't do that - doesn't integrate it normally. Instead, he says it ALL THE TIME. Pretty soon, your eyes are spinning when he even says the first word, you are so sick of hearing it.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Son so moody and mean> > > > > > Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son or > others > > have the same problems.> > > > My son is 13 and he tries to act "cool"...wants his hair long, > pant > > worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I talk to > him > > in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty > tone. > > > > He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox live. > That > > is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend.. .but even that has > > cooled...he only cares about getting his way.> > > > Tonight, he asked if I would go back

out and pick up his > friend...I > > told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my son > > doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he asks. > He > > told me he "hates me" and stomped off to the den. I went in and > told > > him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I not > > going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and > > said...fine and pull the xbox out and took it to my room. He then > > told me "I wish you would go to hell" "I hate you"...I hope you > burn > > in hell with Poppy." So, I now sit here very down in the dumps. I > > have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the moment > and I > > really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.> > > > Jan> > > > > >

> > > > > > > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -> ----------> > > > > > > > No virus found in this incoming message.> > Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com > > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.6/1888 - Release Date: > 1/12/2009 7:04 AM> >> > > > > > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----------> > > > No virus found in this incoming message.> Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.7/1893 - Release Date: 1/14/2009 6:59 AM>

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[Guest guest]

Well, my 10 year old has a pretty good grasp of swearing at this

point. He frequently calls me a " bi$#h " or a " son of a .... " (which

is kind of funny cause he is missing the gender part). He also uses

the " a " word a lot. He once in class got mad at the teacher and

called her a " bi$#h " in front of the entire 4th grade class. Shocked

the pants off those kids who are still in the " thats a baaaad word "

phase.

So I guess for me I would be fine with a " what the " or a beep instead

of the shocked look from adults and kids when he starts swearing.

When he gets really angry he starts throwing out the " f " bomb. Not a

fun mommy moment! LOL.

Vickie

> > >

> > > Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to

> dress

> > uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens),

and

> > they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they

> know

> > everything at this age. duh. <g>

> > >

> > > I've survived a ds and dd going through the " terrible teen "

> stage,

> > my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is

entering

> it.

> > It's more like a matter of survival really. Will you make it?

> lol.

> > I try not to answer that or fate might smack me. But hey, two

> down

> > and three to go. lol...

> > >

> > > Anyway, I would suggest you pick your battles overall. I am

not

> as

> > easy to give up a battle as my dh. But he reminds me to pick my

> > battles and in the end, he is usually right about it. So decide

> to

> > put up with some things if they are not going to kill you.

> Clothing

> > is really not such a big deal unless you can see underwear (I

> hate

> > that, lol) or he is wearing shirts that say offensive things or

> that

> > do not cover primary body parts - the idea is you can set

limits

> > within a frame of what he wants depending on what your

standards

> > are. My oldest dd hit the teen stage when kids first started

> wearing

> > jeans that were forty sizes too big and they hung down to their

> > knees. My rule was I didn't want to see underwear hanging out.

If

> I

> > did, I threw the jeans out. So she got to wear baggy ugly jeans

> and

> > I got to not see her undies sticking out. My next dd had

> the " emo "

> > stage where she wore nothing but black. What can I say? We

> learned

> > to enjoy the color black a lot. lol. It was not pleasant for me

> but

> > what did it hurt in the end? And we have tons of great pictures

> of

> > her all in black to use in the future when her own kids hit a

> stage,

> > lol. I still went shopping and said, " But the green shirt is

much

> > nicer.... " and years later, she agrees now. <G>

> > >

> > > As for the disrespectful attitude, it is so common during the

> teen

> > stage with all kids. But you have to consider that yours has

AS,

> a

> > social disability. So while typical teens would know when to

stop

> > (or learn quickly when they have gone too far), the kid with AS

> > doesn't learn so quickly or apply what he has learned,

especially

> > when he is really mad! Handling emotions is difficult anyway,

but

> > now you have a kid who has trouble identifying his own emotions

> and

> > other people's emotions, add a large dose of testosterone,

shake

> well

> > and you have...well, you have your kid. lol. And your headache.

> > <g>

> > >

> > > Typical teens do not always consider your feelings - often

the

> > world is about them and what they want. But with AS/HFA, you

have

> > all the social deficits within this same kind of problem stage

to

> > deal with. So the problems can be magnified. Certainly, the way

> the

> > teen deals with the problems can be much more severe.

> > >

> > > This is not to say it's ok and you should put up with being

> called

> > names or told to " go to hell. " You have to decide for you and

> your

> > house what has to stop and what you can deal with or put up

with.

> So

> > you might have to come up with ways to teach him better ways to

> get

> > pissed off, acceptable things to yell when he's mad, etc.

> > >

> > > From your email, it seems the problem started when he asked

you

> to

> > pick up his friend. You might sit down during a calm time and

> talk

> > about this situation if it happens a lot. Let him know what

your

> > limits are about driving other kids around or picking them up.

I

> > know how you feel on this issue as I was the " parent taxi " for

a

> > while as well and I got tired of it fast. And it may take a few

> > years of reminding and repeating your limits before your ds

> learns

> > and stops asking or getting ticked off at you. But you make the

> > rule, stick to it and do not get sucked in to an argument over

it

> for

> > any reason. If he begs, screams or calls you names - refuse,

> stick

> > to your limit and leave the room. Eventually, he will see you

are

> > serious.

> > >

> > > I learned that my oldest ds did not even notice how I was

> feeling

> > about things. He's 20 yo and the biggest help has been to tell

> him

> > how I am feeling when he does not notice or consider my

feelings.

> I

> > think just the last few years he has started to notice or try

to

> > anyway. But it only has come around by me saying, " Look now at

my

> > face....I am tired, I have a cold, my head hurts and the last

> thing I

> > want to do is drive you across town. I did it yesterday, I'm

done

> > today. You need to plan ahead next time and ask me in advance. "

> > blah blah blah. Whatever your situation is - tell him your

reason

> so

> > he can see it. Even if he stomps off and yells, you are

starting

> a

> > learning process.

> > >

> > > I must say that a few weeks ago, my ds's (20 yo, hfa) friend

> was

> > over and I knew they would ask me to drive him home, like

usual.

> I

> > was ticked off about it too. I was feeling sick, tired and worn

> > out! It's cold out there. I want to snuggle up with a blanket

> after

> > a rough day. Well, later, kid comes up and leaves. I looked at

my

> > ds and said, " What happened? Where did he go? " My ds told me he

> had

> > called his parents to come and get him. WHY? My ds then

> > said, " Because you are tired and grouchy. " lol. But it was a

> major

> > achievement in that he took the time to notice how I was

feeling,

> got

> > it right and decided not to ask me at all. NICE! Ok, so it took

> all

> > these years to get here. <GG> But this is good. Start now. It's

a

> > process.

> > >

> > > When he mouths off, don't engage in it. I know it makes you

mad

> > and you want to smack him or shake him or send him to the moon

> for a

> > year. But it's a lot easier to walk away and discuss it later

> when

> > you and he have both calmed down. It's easier to say later, " I

do

> > not want you to say that to me ever again. It is hurtful and

> rude. "

> > and he will be listening instead of tuning you out. TALK! Have

> > talks when things are going well about when things are not

going

> > well. It helps. He might pretend not to listen. Or he may not

let

> > it sink in for forty five times...but this is part of the

> > disability. And you just have to stick to it.

> > >

> > > The best teen advice I have is to not say " no " automatically.

> > Listen to them, even when you know what they are going to say.

> Let

> > them say it anyway. Then tell them why you can't do what they

> want.

> > Even if they don't like your answer, you have heard them,

> considered

> > it and given them a reason why you can't. It works better than

> just

> > a " no " . So next time you are caught in the " taxi service "

> dilemma,

> > you might say briefly, " I worked all day. It was a tough day

for

> me

> > and I am just too tired to drive anywhere. Maybe next time. " He

> > still might stomp off in a huff. But I've gotten better luck

this

> > way over the long term. And next time HE has a tough day at

> school

> > and looks it, identify it for him and say, " Yeah, I had a day

> like

> > that last week, remember? All I wanted to do was go lay down

and

> > relax. I sure understand how you are feeling now! "

> > >

> > > Also remember, pick your battles as I have said but look at

> times

> > you can actually let someone else battle for you. For instance,

> when

> > he said he wasn't going to talk to the TSS, walk away. You

don't

> > have to fight that one. Let the TSS deal with him and his

> attitude.

> > Isn't that the point of having a TSS? Let it not be your

problem.

> > >

> > > If it becomes a big issue where he constantly refuses to deal

> with

> > the TSS, you might set up a reward system or better yet, let

the

> TSS

> > set one up. But I would not sit around arguing or yelling with

a

> > teen over whether he will or will not talk to the TSS who is

> going to

> > arrive at any minute. Let him be ugly and walk away. Let the

TSS

> > deal with the ugly child while you go take a bubble bath or

catch

> up

> > on something else you need to do.

> > >

> > > And finally, pace yourself. This is a long long road you are

> on.

> > But it does get better.

> > >

> > > Roxanna

> > > You're Unique

> > > Just like everyone else...

> > > ( ) Son so moody and mean

> > >

> > >

> > > Hi all! I am curious...I am not sure if this is just my son

or

> > others

> > > have the same problems.

> > >

> > > My son is 13 and he tries to act " cool " ...wants his hair

long,

> > pant

> > > worn to low down, and wants nothing to do with us....if I

talk

> to

> > him

> > > in public...he makes the evilist look and answers in a nasty

> > tone.

> > >

> > > He doesn't help around the house ...just intersted in xbox

> live.

> > That

> > > is his SOLE life....he has a girlfriend...but even that has

> > > cooled...he only cares about getting his way.

> > >

> > > Tonight, he asked if I would go back out and pick up his

> > friend...I

> > > told him NO....I am tired of being taxi for everybody and my

> son

> > > doesn't do anything I ask so why should I do something he

asks.

> > He

> > > told me he " hates me " and stomped off to the den. I went in

and

> > told

> > > him not to start xbox becuase his TSS was coming....he said I

> not

> > > going to talk to him...and he was nasty ...so I went over and

> > > said...fine and pull the xbox out and took it to my room. He

> then

> > > told me " I wish you would go to hell " " I hate you " ...I hope

you

> > burn

> > > in hell with Poppy. " So, I now sit here very down in the

dumps.

> I

> > > have a very very cruel son...and I don't like him at the

moment

> > and I

> > > really don't care what happens as I feel burnt out and tired.

> > >

> > > Jan

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ----------------------------------------------------------

> > ----------

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > No virus found in this incoming message.

> > > Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

> > > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.6/1888 - Release

> Date:

> > 1/12/2009 7:04 AM

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ----------------------------------------------------------

> ----------

> >

> >

> >

> > No virus found in this incoming message.

> > Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

> > Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.7/1893 - Release

Date:

> 1/14/2009 6:59 AM

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

----------

>

>

>

> No virus found in this incoming message.

> Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

> Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.9/1902 - Release Date:

1/19/2009 9:37 AM

>

[Guest guest]

This is all new to me....sometimes I feel like I don't have a son...he shuts us out...he runs to the game room and is on the phone and Xbox...or has a friend over. Last weekend he went out with the older boys to a basketball game, 's to eat and then ending up sleeping over there...he came home at 9:30 am the next morning...I think he missed home...and I was reading in bed and he crawled in and fell asleep. Then his friend called and the dad picked up my son at noon and they were gone all day...movies and Chucky Cheese....he came home at 8 pm. And the next morning we woke him at 8:30 to leave for confirmation class at 9:30.....and he is not fighting us about going. I think he likes it but won't admit it.

But I have heard teen girls are worse.....my neighbors daughter talks back and is nasty...I just could not beleive it....but it is true. Today's teens are so different then we were. I think they do curse more than we did...i even hear it in school...My son doesn't curse at home...I guess that is because we don't curse here and his father NeVER curses. I think he would go thru the roof if he did curse here. So I guess we are lucky about that. I ususally say...sugar jets...instead of "s#,X... I did it one time at school and the kids were like "What?"

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean Date: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 11:43 AM

Oh poor ....dd is only 7....just wait! just wait! <GG> I can promise you that "mama radar" will not be acceptable when she is 14 or 15 and "everyone else is going!!!!!" lol. Girls are really tough at the teen stage!!

I can say with my oldest, we were a lot tougher on her. I guess over the years, they have worn us down. Lucky them. lol. Anyway, with my oldest, I would just tell her we didn't feel that it was acceptable for her to do (whatever she was asking to do.) We had standards and no, I didn't care if all the other kids parents don't love their kids as much as I love her. lol. She hated that one. But she has 3 kids now herself and she doesn't think I was so terrible after all now...

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress uniquely (which

surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

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[Guest guest]

Remember, Roxanna, that you are moving in with my family once my NT daughter hits 12. So I'm not too worried about the teen years b/c I know Roxanna-the-voice-of-reason-and-common-sense will be in my home to help. It's like our very own Supernanny

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Roxanna <madideas@...> Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 10:43:53 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Oh poor ....dd is only 7....just wait! just wait! <GG> I can promise you that "mama radar" will not be acceptable when she is 14 or 15 and "everyone else is going!!!!!" lol. Girls are really tough at the teen stage!!

I can say with my oldest, we were a lot tougher on her. I guess over the years, they have worn us down. Lucky them. lol. Anyway, with my oldest, I would just tell her we didn't feel that it was acceptable for her to do (whatever she was asking to do.) We had standards and no, I didn't care if all the other kids parents don't love their kids as much as I love her. lol. She hated that one. But she has 3 kids now herself and she doesn't think I was so terrible after all now...

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting

to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

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[Guest guest]

I am just amazed that they bought the “can we do it

tomorrow/discuss it tomorrow”. Mine would have just kept hammering. Sigh.

But, on a good note. He is now almost 19 and somewhat more reasonable.

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of Roxanna

Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 10:39 AM

Subject: Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Ohhhh yeah! I have a 12 yo that demands a reason for

everything. There are times when I just blow up and say, " Just stop

asking me!!!! " It can make a person go insane! But I do try to

reply nicely when I am not falling apart. The reason I give when I have

no reason is usually just, " I am too tired to deal with this

tonight....can we do it tomorrow/discuss it tomorrow? " Then I have

time to think of a better reason or deal with it. Or hope they

forget...like that ever happens....lol.

Roxanna

You're Unique

Just like everyone else...

-----

Original Message -----

From:

Sent: Wednesday, January

14, 2009 10:09 PM

Subject: Re:

( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it

can all go for typical

teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)

Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say " no "

and not have a reason; going just on " feeling " at those times. So

couldn't say " no because.... " And they'd want to know the

" why " of

it and " because I said so " wouldn't suffice. " There's ALWAYS a

reason " for saying no they'd say, " what's the real reason? " and

I

wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently

weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't

tell them....

>

> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress

uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and

they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know

everything at this age. duh. <g>

>

> I've survived a ds and dd going through the " terrible teen "

stage,

my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

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Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.7/1894 - Release Date: 1/14/2009 7:27

PM

[Guest guest]

Thanks Amy!

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

You are a wise lady Roxanna and have a gift for writing down your thoughts. Thank you.

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[Guest guest]

LOL, Roxanna-nanny....hmmm, well, no way! lol. You are assuming that I am going to survive my 17 yo....not sure about that yet...

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) Son so moody and mean

Roxanna, beautiful, perfectly stated!! And it can all go for typical teens too! Says single mom with 3 sons, 1 with AS. (ages 23 and 19)Have to add that what gave me headaches is the times I would say "no" and not have a reason; going just on "feeling" at those times. So couldn't say "no because...." And they'd want to know the "why" of it and "because I said so" wouldn't suffice. "There's ALWAYS a reason" for saying no they'd say, "what's the real reason?" and I wouldn't have one. Just a gut feeling. And gut feelings apparently weren't an answer for them, LOL, had to be something else I wouldn't tell them....>> Typical teens are similar to this - wanting to act cool, to dress uniquely (which surprisingly looks like all the other teens), and they do get mouthy with their parents because, after all, they know everything at this age. duh. <g>> > I've survived a ds and dd going through the "terrible teen" stage, my 17 yo dd is just now finishing it and my 12 yo ds is entering it.

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.7/1894 - Release Date: 1/14/2009 7:27 PM

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