Re: looking for help/opinion

[Guest guest]

I don't understand people sometimes....they got upset with your son and told you but they have closed their eyes to their own children's behavior. It always seem to happen like this....and to my child too! Just stay away from them obviously they are blind to their own children's mistakes or behavior....it is so hard on us...

Sorry about that ....remember it is them not you or your child that are wrong and don't have manners or know how to behave....

Hugs to you...

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: <kanaga4@...>Subject: ( ) looking for help/opinion Date: Saturday, January 24, 2009, 1:33 PM

My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still struggles with social skills. Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop. The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even looked like they were "egging him on". He started playing with another male friend and left the girls alone. As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, "Your son has been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not tolerate this". I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and I felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay. As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of

eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and teasing my son for "getting him in trouble". I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads saying, "Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his behavior I would like you to do the same with their teasing him."One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she was totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me. I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the girls were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with him after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these girls the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to get him in trouble. I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it didn't change or help anything.

I am sure I am protective of my son, but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds, supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social skills he doesn't need kids being manipulative. He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything so we are entitled.... ) I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated. Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic

Messages

[Guest guest]

I don't understand people sometimes....they got upset with your son and told you but they have closed their eyes to their own children's behavior. It always seem to happen like this....and to my child too! Just stay away from them obviously they are blind to their own children's mistakes or behavior....it is so hard on us...

Sorry about that ....remember it is them not you or your child that are wrong and don't have manners or know how to behave....

Hugs to you...

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: <kanaga4@...>Subject: ( ) looking for help/opinion Date: Saturday, January 24, 2009, 1:33 PM

My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still struggles with social skills. Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop. The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even looked like they were "egging him on". He started playing with another male friend and left the girls alone. As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, "Your son has been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not tolerate this". I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and I felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay. As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of

eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and teasing my son for "getting him in trouble". I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads saying, "Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his behavior I would like you to do the same with their teasing him."One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she was totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me. I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the girls were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with him after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these girls the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to get him in trouble. I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it didn't change or help anything.

I am sure I am protective of my son, but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds, supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social skills he doesn't need kids being manipulative. He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything so we are entitled.... ) I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

[Guest guest]

I think you did the right thing. If the dad/people are just jerks, it didn't matter, right?

But,,,,,maybe they are jerks but were just embarrassed, too,,,,,,,,,,and once in the car, he dealt with it?

I know that's probably far-fetched....but maybe?

Robin

From: <kanaga4@...>Subject: ( ) looking for help/opinion Date: Saturday, January 24, 2009, 12:33 PM

My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still struggles with social skills. Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop. The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even looked like they were "egging him on". He started playing with another male friend and left the girls alone. As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, "Your son has been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not tolerate this". I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and I felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay. As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of

eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and teasing my son for "getting him in trouble". I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads saying, "Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his behavior I would like you to do the same with their teasing him."One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she was totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me. I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the girls were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with him after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these girls the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to get him in trouble. I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it didn't change or help anything.

I am sure I am protective of my son, but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds, supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social skills he doesn't need kids being manipulative. He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything so we are entitled.... ) I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

[Guest guest]

,

My son does the same thing with the kissing..I had to warn him that some

day a girl wont tolerate it and he might get a slap in the face (from a

girl)..I know this may sound ridiculous, but some day I'm afraid he will

be accussed of sexual harrassment, although he cant help it.

Conni

[Guest guest]

Thanks--your message has helped me feel better already! In my heart I

knew this but it was nice to hear from someone else.

>

> From: <kanaga4@...>

> Subject: ( ) looking for help/opinion

>

> Date: Saturday, January 24, 2009, 1:33 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still

> struggles with social skills.

>

> Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older

> elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop.

>

> The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even

> looked like they were " egging him on " . He started playing with

> another male friend and left the girls alone.

>

> As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, " Your son has

> been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not

> tolerate this " .

>

> I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them

> for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and

I

> felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told

> the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay.

>

> As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of

> eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and

teasing

> my son for " getting him in trouble " .

>

> I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads

> saying, " Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his

behavior

> I would like you to do the same with their teasing him. "

>

> One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she

was

> totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told

> the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me.

>

> I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the

girls

> were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with

him

> after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these

girls

> the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to

get

> him in trouble.

>

> I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it

> didn't change or help anything. I am sure I am protective of my

son,

> but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds,

> supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social

skills

> he doesn't need kids being manipulative.

>

> He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts

> kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with

> what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything

so

> we are entitled.... )

>

> I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it

go

> and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these

> situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks...I hadn't really thought of them being embarassed, maybe...

I appreciate your reply!

>

> From: <kanaga4@...>

> Subject: ( ) looking for help/opinion

>

> Date: Saturday, January 24, 2009, 12:33 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still

> struggles with social skills.

>

> Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older

> elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop.

>

> The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even

> looked like they were " egging him on " . He started playing with

> another male friend and left the girls alone.

>

> As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, " Your son has

> been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not

> tolerate this " .

>

> I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them

> for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and

I

> felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told

> the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay.

>

> As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of

> eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and

teasing

> my son for " getting him in trouble " .

>

> I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads

> saying, " Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his

behavior

> I would like you to do the same with their teasing him. "

>

> One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she

was

> totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told

> the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me.

>

> I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the

girls

> were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with

him

> after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these

girls

> the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to

get

> him in trouble.

>

> I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it

> didn't change or help anything. I am sure I am protective of my

son,

> but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds,

> supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social

skills

> he doesn't need kids being manipulative.

>

> He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts

> kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with

> what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything

so

> we are entitled.... )

>

> I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it

go

> and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these

> situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

>

>

[Guest guest]

The dad is a jerk and the girls are gonna grow up to be jerky too. I'd have said something as well. I don't think it is wrong for you to stand up to the guy. Your son sees you standing up to people and he will need to do that too some day. He needs to learn social skills and standing up to bullies is a social skill. I think if I'd thought the girls were egging him on I'd have said something at that point. You'd already talked to your son and successfully convinced him to stop. It was well after you did this that the guy confronted you. I expect since your son wasn't playing with the girls any more they may have been trying to find some other way to get to him so they told the dad about the kissing.

I've dealt with people like this before. We had a neighbor who ALWAYS said, "My son would never..." Yeah, I stay away from people like that. These were the most horrible next door neighbors we ever had. Once the mom and son came over so our sons could play together. I was out walking with my daughter in the stroller. The boys were wrestling in our "Jump O Lene" (small, fairly inexpensive inflatable jumping thing). I wasn't there or I'd have kept the boys out of that. There were kids we could have in there with and kids we couldn't. Anyway, later in the evening when was getting a bath I noticed a very obvious human bite mark. I asked how he got that and he said, "Liam did it before I punched him." Everyone had seen punch the boy but nobody saw him bite . I called the mom and she said, "My son would never do that." So I told her that he had not played

with anyone else that day and that there wasn't any other way for him to get that. She finally asked her son and he confessed saying he did it because he was afraid of . Okay, so if that's the case why didn't he ask for help from his mom? Or maybe she didn't listen. UGH.

Another day this boy worked it out with all the kids in the neighborhood that he was going to hit on the butt and then everyone would run from him. I didn't find out until later but I saw all the kids in the neighbor's tree house and I saw Liam looking sneaky and then all the kids ran. caught up to Liam and decked him on another neighbor's driveway right in front of his mother. I knew there was more to the story but I was so shocked I just worked on trying to get calm. Later told me that Liam hit him on the butt.

At one point I made the mistake of telling this mom of 's diagnosis. It usally isn't a mistake to do this. Seriously, I take the risk of finding one bad apple in order to educate my son's friends and their families. But this woman said things like, "Your kid is the one with the problem." Her kid shot in the face from about an inch away with his super soaker and 's lip actually bled. was in the process of trying to exact revenge and I was trying to stop him. His mom then spoke up angrily and said, "Liam doesn't want to play with any more!" I said, "Liam shot in the face with the supersoaker and it made his lip bleed. It says on the labeling not to shoot anyone in the face with it." Her replay was, "Oh that couldn't have made his lip bleed." GRRRRRRR.

I was so glad to move away from these people I can't even begin to tell you. I think part of why this kept going on is that I had not developed my rather thick skin at that point. I was in the process of getting evaluations and diagnoses. I was scared and my kids were very little and I was taking too much advice from people and not following my own heart enough. But this horrible woman did serve the purpose of toughening me up. I moved to Texas and dealt with a horrible school, became even tougher and got my son moved to a much better school and from that point on nobody has ever treated us that way again. I think now that the confidence sort of comes off me in waves because I kind of get the feeling nobody would have the nerve to treat me that way now. I don't know why I feel that way exactly. I just do. Maybe just those few experiences and my success in dealing with my son have helped me feel

more confident.

Anyway, long story, sorry. I very much think you did the right thing. I think if you're going to be around these people you'll have to educate them about his diagnosis even though their reactions are probably not going to be great.

Oh, and little kids trying to kiss each other on the playground is nothing new, nothing purely asperger, nothing bad or evil, so I think this guy is totally overreacting. I can remember being kissed by a boy when I was in the lunch line in 3rd grade! Nobody thought anything of it. Now there are stories about kids doing this at school and the kid being suspended and the cops being called. What the heck is wrong with people! If you want to react you say, "That isn't appropriate" and ask the child gently to stop and usually they will. You don't waste the police department's time with this. Oh, and this was a 6 year old who got in so much trouble. The kid who kissed me in 3rd grade did not have special needs, by the way.

Miriam Mim Mimmom

mimbanash@...

[Guest guest]

>

> I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go

> and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these

> situations...any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

Hi . My two cents... I don't think there is any wrong or

right to this; it is whatever feels right to you and is comfortable

for you. There is nothing wrong with your husband keeping his mouth

shut if it is him with your son, and you advocating when you are with

your son.

As far as EFFECTIVENESS goes, my advice would be to be careful not to

point fingers. Most people stop listening when they hear unsolicited

criticism coming. Instead, put things in the framework of " My son

does this because... " , " I don't like this because... " , " This makes

things even harder for my son (me) because... " , " This affects my son

by... " This should help keep the emotionalism down and allow them to

think more flexibly. It will be much less upsetting for you too!

Hope this helps!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

,

You sound like you are talking from our playbook over here.

My 13 1/2 y/o son was diagnosed with Asperger's this summer but this type of thing was VERY common all along the way. We were *very* fortunate to have friends that saw their daughters for who they were behaving like (catty, manipulative) and called them out on it.

What I mean is-- they were held as accountable as my son was-- which is TREMENDOUSLY validating.

This isn't always feasible though, when your child goes to school w/o you are isn't in your presence 24/7. We pulled Christian out of school after an AWFUL and traumatic 4th grade year, however, even at his age, he still has social troubles when I'm not there to help. (although, now having a diagnosis in hand makes it easier to explain to those who we may leave him with eg. Youth group, etc-- that he just may need a little guidance when dealing with other kids)

So, vent away and, frankly, get used to it. Sheesh, I hope that doesn't sound terribly harsh but this is the reality for children with Asperger's until they get a good grip socially. (and we are delayed b/c we didn't have a diagnosis for so long) Like I've said, kids with Asperger's have some kind of HUGE bullseye that other (not so nice)children can see and take advantage of them accordingly.

Best to you and keep explaining to your son. It's ok to tell him some adults aren't fair too.

~Tonya

[Guest guest]

Well, I'm proud you said it to the dads, I'm such wimp sometimes.

Since the girls were doing that outside dads hearing or dads weren't

looking, they probably didn't know what you were talking about.

Saying that, though, I know dads can be VERY protective over their

little girls too (like they weren't boys once). In kindergarten this

one girl just LOVED one of my sons and was always holding his hand

and kissing him (pretty much just on the top of his head, she was

taller). Well her dad just did NOT like that. He never said

anything to me really but I know he told her to " stop " , etc.

Actually her mom and I talked about it (and how upset dad was), it

didn't bother us like it did dad.

Well - I liked how you handled it with the dads and with your son.

Vent away. At least the little girl knows " you caught her. "

>

> My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still

> struggles with social skills.

>

> Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older

> elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop.

>

> The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even

> looked like they were " egging him on " . He started playing with

[Guest guest]

Some people never think their kids can do wrong. They always blame the other kid. Kind of shows you what spoiled kids they are raising there! lol.

I would have done the same as you. You saw the problem, told him to stop and he did. Later when the dad came over to yell at you, you let him know you were handling it but that the girls were in on it and teasing him. If the dad chooses to believe his kid did nothing, you can't really change how he sees it. At least you know you are doing the right thing with your own kid!

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) looking for help/opinion

My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still struggles with social skills. Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop. The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even looked like they were "egging him on". He started playing with another male friend and left the girls alone. As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, "Your son has been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not tolerate this". I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and I felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay. As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and teasing my son for "getting him in trouble". I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads saying, "Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his behavior I would like you to do the same with their teasing him."One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she was totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me. I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the girls were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with him after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these girls the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to get him in trouble. I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it didn't change or help anything. I am sure I am protective of my son, but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds, supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social skills he doesn't need kids being manipulative. He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything so we are entitled....) I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these situations...any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.13/1914 - Release Date: 1/24/2009 8:40 PM

[Guest guest]

Isn't it sad, grown people who encourage their children to act so mean! I always say to my daughter when people are mean to her, "God don't like ugly honey." Grown ups can be so disrespectful to kids who are "different" ... Shame on them. I am having problems at my daughters high school. It's the TEACHERS! when she comes home with gum stuck in her hair, or they hide her things and laugh at her, it breaks my heart, she often reminds me that these kids are not being raised, usually they are drug up by their parents. It makes me so sad that parents can lead their children into such behavior, What are they doing to their children? I could go on and on...  I feel you did the right thing and keep it up, we need to protect our children from "evil".From: Roxanna <madideas@...> Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 8:24:20 AMSubject: Re: ( ) looking for help/opinion

Some people never think their kids can do wrong.  They always blame the other kid.  Kind of shows you what spoiled kids they are raising there!  lol.

 

I would have done the same as you.  You saw the problem, told him to stop and he did.  Later when the dad came over to yell at you, you let him know you were handling it but that the girls were in on it and teasing him.  If the dad chooses to believe his kid did nothing, you can't really change how he sees it.  At least you know you are doing the right thing with your own kid! 

 

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) looking for help/opinion

My almost 8 year son is making progress in so many area, but still struggles with social skills. Yesterday at the park, he tried to chase and kiss some older elementary aged girls...I talked to him and had him stop. The girls continued to play chase with him and one mom said it even looked like they were "egging him on". He started playing with another male friend and left the girls alone. As we left one of the girl's dad stopped me and said, "Your son has been trying to kiss my daughter and I told him to stop. I will not tolerate this". I felt a little off gurad as my son had not been playing with them for several minutes, he had stopped trying to kiss/chase them, and I felt the last statement was a little to much like a threat. I told the dad I would talk with my son as I also felt it was not okay. As we got in the car to leave I started talking with my son. Out of eyesight from the dads these girls, they started laughing and teasing my son for "getting him in trouble". I was very angry...got out of the car, and stopped the dads saying, "Excuse me, while I am getting onto my son about his behavior I would like you to do the same with their teasing him."One of the girls started tearing up (and as a mom and teacher she was totally faking it) and the dad put his arm around her and they told the girls not to listen to me and totally did not acknowledge me. I told my son that his actions were inapporpriate but that the girls were also not right (and confusing) to still laugh and play with him after I got onto him. My plan is to not let him play with these girls the next time they are at the park and explain they are trying to get him in trouble. I still feel it was apporpriate to speak up, but my husband says it didn't change or help anything. I am sure I am protective of my son, but we always make him responsible for his behavior...meds, supplements or not. He has enough trouble with reading social skills he doesn't need kids being manipulative. He has 4 more years at this school and my daughter starts kindergarten there next fall. This is not the first situation with what I call this group of parents (We volunteer and do everything so we are entitled.... ) I guess I am venting mostly, but wonder should I have just let it go and only talk with my son or do I continue to speak out in these situations.. .any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg. com Version: 8.0.176 / Virus Database: 270.10.13/1914 - Release Date: 1/24/2009 8:40 PM