Re: 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

February 14, 2009

If the social class is in his IEP, then they are obligated to see that he gets it. I don't know when they will stop saying, "He has to be responsible" but each time, be prepared with a reminder to them that he has AS, is socially behind and is maturing much slower than his average peers. It is not "irresponsible" to have a disability like AS. These times he is "irresponsible" he is merely showing the symptoms of having AS. His inability to organize, his inability to follow through, see the big picture, understand he needs help with social skills, etc. Point out how they call other kids to reading class and this is no different. You expect them to do their jobs here. He is so in need of social skill help. He has to learn more appropriate ways to deal with his anger than spitting or yelling things out. This is as important as math or science. Each time he gets in trouble for spitting on someone in anger, it is another sign of his huge need for social help. They are not providing FAPE if they do not make this program a priority for him and they are inviting more behavior problems in the future.

Also, each time they allow him to skip, it sends him the message that he can get out of doing it. Of course, this will be a tough class for him - it will be dealing with the areas he is weakest in! He may hate it. If the teacher is smart, she/he will find ways to make it worth his while with rewards and incentives, playing games, doing things that would make him less miserable to be there. What are they doing like that? What incentives and rewards are in place? Obviously, he is not going to be motivated by their desire for him to grow a responsibility bone. (duh.) He has to be taught and guided. He is a child with "SPECIAL NEEDS" so we can't use typical means of educating him. We can't say, "Oh he's 13 yo so he should know better." This does not apply because he has AS. If he knew better, he wouldn't have AS. The whole point to having AS is that he doesn't know better.

Art is one of the worst classes we dealt with in middle school with our older ds, hfa. For being the one place where creativity was encouraged, the art teacher was the least creative in altering assignments. She could not deal unless he did specifically what she said to do and he could not do what she asked. (My dd, an artsy girl, loved this same teacher as much as I hated dealing with her when it came to my ds!) Part of art is using your imagination and as we know, this can be a huge problem for many kids with HFA, AS. I think she just never understood his disability and nobody really bothered explaining it to her except for me. But regardless, in my own opinion, there should be no reason for a child with an IEP to fail a class. If he has failed a class, it means the appropriate supports were not in place or he rec'd too little extra help. Obviously, he needs help in Art. I would ask for a meeting asap and figure out why he failed that class and place an aide or teacher training or alternative assignments - something - in place so he can be successful.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Oh, I don't know if I am going to live thru all this. YOu all seem so strong. My 13 year old is so angry and nasty to me. He comes home from school and runs to his computer...he stays in his room and doesn't want us to bother him. He doesn't want to do homework...nothing ...all he cares about is Xbox, Myspace and talking to his X-girlfriend. Sometimes he acts so grown up ..."cool" and other times he is so immature. He was going out with this girl...she came over the house 3 times and they went to the movies 3 times with friends. Well, she broke up with him because she met someone on MySpace (OMG...and did I yell at her). This kid is suppose to be 16 and lives in Alabama. WE live in PA. I told her how wrong that was...she should never talk to someone she doesn't know. Who knows if this guy is really 16. Anyways, she broke my sons heart and he has been so Angry, Depressed and I think he is annoying her. The other day, she started making fun of our neighbor boy who is 17 and a Senior. He is like a Big Brother to my son. My son got so angry that he spit in her hair and called her a bitch. Of course she told on him and now he has one day in-school suspension. I feel like it never ends...we got report cards and he failed Art...his SS grade went from 96 to 77, Science 83 to 96, Math 88 to 80, Reading 85, 84 and Language Arts 82 to 81....and band 100 to 72. He really dropped in SS because he doesn't like the teacher. My son says he is mean and yells all the time. So, that explains the big drop 96 to 77. The school is no help. They started a social skills class per my request. My son hates it so he doesn't go....and they do not call for him or make him. They say he has to be responsible. Yet in my school (high school) if the kids forget to go to speech or Reading ....the teacher calls the classroom. I am so down and depressed. What do I do? Where do I go from here. How do I keep up the energy. I worry so much about him. Will he make it. Will he ever be able to complete school, fit in, get a job....This is so hard for me because I was never like this..I got straight A's and did my work and never talked back to my parents. What am i doing wrong...I don't see other kids treating their parents like he does to us. I am so disenchanted and blue.Jan

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February 14, 2009

Thanks Roxanna...you always make me feel so much better. I love reading anything you write. You are right and I guess that is why I feel so much anger. I am going to print out what you said...and bring it with me at the next meeting which may be next Friday to go over the findings of his Speech testing and Reading testing. I want to get it right.

I need to make some points....

1. They need to call him to the Social Skills

2. We need to figure out why his grade in SS went from a 96 to a 77

3. We need to find out why he failed art

4. We need to discuss how to motivate him

Thanks!!!

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Saturday, February 14, 2009, 10:00 AM

If the social class is in his IEP, then they are obligated to see that he gets it. I don't know when they will stop saying, "He has to be responsible" but each time, be prepared with a reminder to them that he has AS, is socially behind and is maturing much slower than his average peers. It is not "irresponsible" to have a disability like AS. These times he is "irresponsible" he is merely showing the symptoms of having AS. His inability to organize, his inability to follow through, see the big picture, understand he needs help with social skills, etc. Point out how they call other kids to reading class and this is no different. You expect them to do their jobs here. He is so in need of social skill help. He has to learn more appropriate ways to deal with his anger than spitting or yelling things out. This is as important as math or science. Each time he

gets in trouble for spitting on someone in anger, it is another sign of his huge need for social help. They are not providing FAPE if they do not make this program a priority for him and they are inviting more behavior problems in the future.

Also, each time they allow him to skip, it sends him the message that he can get out of doing it. Of course, this will be a tough class for him - it will be dealing with the areas he is weakest in! He may hate it. If the teacher is smart, she/he will find ways to make it worth his while with rewards and incentives, playing games, doing things that would make him less miserable to be there. What are they doing like that? What incentives and rewards are in place? Obviously, he is not going to be motivated by their desire for him to grow a responsibility bone. (duh.) He has to be taught and guided. He is a child with "SPECIAL NEEDS" so we can't use typical means of educating him. We can't say, "Oh he's 13 yo so he should know better." This does not apply because he has AS. If he knew better, he wouldn't have AS. The whole point to having

AS is that he doesn't know better.

Art is one of the worst classes we dealt with in middle school with our older ds, hfa. For being the one place where creativity was encouraged, the art teacher was the least creative in altering assignments. She could not deal unless he did specifically what she said to do and he could not do what she asked. (My dd, an artsy girl, loved this same teacher as much as I hated dealing with her when it came to my ds!) Part of art is using your imagination and as we know, this can be a huge problem for many kids with HFA, AS. I think she just never understood his disability and nobody really bothered explaining it to her except for me. But regardless, in my own opinion, there should be no reason for a child with an IEP to fail a class. If he has failed a class, it means the appropriate supports were not in place or he

rec'd too little extra help. Obviously, he needs help in Art. I would ask for a meeting asap and figure out why he failed that class and place an aide or teacher training or alternative assignments - something - in place so he can be successful.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Oh, I don't know if I am going to live thru all this. YOu all seem so strong. My 13 year old is so angry and nasty to me. He comes home from school and runs to his computer...he stays in his room and doesn't want us to bother him. He doesn't want to do homework...nothing ...all he cares about is Xbox, Myspace and talking to his X-girlfriend. Sometimes he acts so grown up ..."cool" and other times he is so immature. He was going out with this girl...she came over the house 3 times and they went to the movies 3 times with friends. Well, she broke up with him because she met someone on MySpace (OMG...and did I yell at her). This kid is suppose to be 16 and lives in Alabama. WE live in PA. I told her how wrong that was...she should never talk to someone she doesn't know. Who knows if this guy is really 16. Anyways, she broke my sons heart and he has been so Angry, Depressed and I think he is

annoying her. The other day, she started making fun of our neighbor boy who is 17 and a Senior. He is like a Big Brother to my son. My son got so angry that he spit in her hair and called her a bitch. Of course she told on him and now he has one day in-school suspension. I feel like it never ends...we got report cards and he failed Art...his SS grade went from 96 to 77, Science 83 to 96, Math 88 to 80, Reading 85, 84 and Language Arts 82 to 81....and band 100 to 72. He really dropped in SS because he doesn't like the teacher. My son says he is mean and yells all the time. So, that explains the big drop 96 to 77. The school is no help. They started a social skills class per my request. My son hates it so he doesn't go....and they do not call for him or make him. They say he has to be responsible. Yet in my school (high school) if the kids forget to go to speech or Reading ....the teacher

calls the classroom. I am so down and depressed. What do I do? Where do I go from here. How do I keep up the energy. I worry so much about him. Will he make it. Will he ever be able to complete school, fit in, get a job....This is so hard for me because I was never like this..I got straight A's and did my work and never talked back to my parents. What am i doing wrong...I don't see other kids treating their parents like he does to us. I am so disenchanted and blue.Jan

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February 15, 2009

>

> Thanks Roxanna...you always make me feel so much better. I love

reading anythingï¿½ you write. You are right and I guess that is why I

feel so much anger.ï¿½ I am going to print out what you said...and bring

it with me at the next meeting which may be next Friday to go over the

findings of his Speech testing and Reading testing.ï¿½ I want to

get it right.

> I need to make some points....

> ï¿½

> 1. They need to call him to the Social Skills

> 2. We need to figure out why his grade in SS went from a 96 to a 77

> 3. We need to find out why he failed art

> 4. We need to discuss how to motivate him

Jan, I'm so glad you got some good advice and are feeling better. I

really identify with your problems as I have a 14yo son with AS and a

not terribly motivated school district too. I wanted to share a couple

of things that may help in your situation.

One thing I've found in the higher grades (middle school) is that I

can tap the teachers in my son's elective classes. Some of them seem a

lot less stressed and willing to help. For example, just recently, I

was very frustrated because my son had been carrying around several

items from 2 days to 2 weeks such as lunch money, money for semester

classes just starting, money for a new agenda he had lost, etc.,

permissions slips to hand in--and nobody was asking him for these

things. So, I sent out a blanket request to all his teachers begging

for help. It turned out an elective teacher he has over lunch--a good

time to take care of things--offered to take care of all those things

and asked me to let her know whenever there were things like that and

she would make sure he got them done. Bless her heart! I guess your

son's art teacher will not be one of these, but maybe there is another

one.

Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.

I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat my

son like a " normal " kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. I

sit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keep

hearing, " but that's just 8th grade... " This has been going on for

years. I need to interrupt them and correct them " No, he's AUTISTIC,

it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going on

inside his head is much different. " and explain. I'm just thinking,

going on some of your comments, that this is something going on in

your son's case too. They also want to hold my son " accountable " , not

understanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son nothing.

Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!

Ruth

February 15, 2009

Ruth,

Bless you and thank you....our boys probably are much alike. Looking at my son...you would never know...but after a while of watching you see it. He usually is on the outskirts ...following...he acts silly...clowns around to make friends...when actually he gets annoying..but I can't tell him that. He thinks I am annoying. He says I am a NAG. So, I stopped nagging him about using the toner on his face....the cotton ball and toner have stay in the same place ALL week. Well....I know he takes a shower every day so if he chooses not to use the toner and has pimples...that is his face. I told him he has to start caring and working in school because he could be held back and all his friends will go on to the Jr. high...and he will stay in the intermediate.

A women in church today told me ....spitting and calling his ex-girlfriend a bitch ....is not that bad in the whole scope of things. First he has no impusle control and she was making fun of his Big Brother whom he loves (kids know how to push his buttons) so in a way...she was asking for trouble...and who knows what she called my son. But in the realm of it all...they are still friends. Huh? Kids today...I totally don't understand them and maybe it better that I don't. This friend at church made so much sense ...and I felt a breath of fresh air. And, the funny thing it, in-school suspension room was so full that he said he would have to "serve" his time on Tuesday. But on Tuesday he has social skills class (he hates it...I don't think they are doing a great job at it...and he too high functioning for some of the kids) and he also has Art Expression (therapy) in the afternoon and I told the asst. principal I

don't want my son to miss these. I don't care if they move the day to Wed. I just don't want him to miss these two programs...they are in his IEP.

Now, the funny thing is...my son takes this Art therapy with a young man who was badly injured in an auto accident several years ago. He had been a teacher and was on his way to school. A garbage truck lost control in the wintery road and crashed into him. They thought he would not make it...and when he did...the doctor's told his family not to expect much. Well, he was determined...he walks with a very bad limp and his speech is difficult to understand....He had to reteach himself everything. He got into art and then went back to school ...got another certification and now works with kids with emotional problems and anger...My son loves him. I usually email him and let him know what is going on in his life as my son doesn't always communicate things. This way I know they can talk about things. Anyways....the reason I am speaking about this is that my son has made two beautiful things with

him....the last piece was a piece of wood on the wood is his hand in the upright position (made with plaster). My son then painted part of the hand blue. He put two eyes and a funny round pom-pom for the nose so it looks like a face. I love it. And, my son failed ART? Get real! And, I am sure she saw him working on his project ....he said it got ruined when a kid knocked the blue paint all over it. Please this women can't be real.

But there are all kinds out there.

Thanks...I love all you guys.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Sunday, February 15, 2009, 11:35 AM

>> > Thanks Roxanna...you always make me feel so much better. I lovereading anythingï¿½ you write. You are right and I guess that is why Ifeel so much anger.ï¿½ I am going to print out what you said...and bringit with me at the next meeting which may be next Friday to go over thefindings of his Speech testing and Reading testing.ï¿½ I want toget it right. > I need to make some points....> ï¿½> 1. They need to call him to the Social Skills> 2. We need to figure out why his grade in SS went from a 96 to a 77> 3. We need to find out why he failed art> 4. We need to discuss how to motivate himJan, I'm so glad you got some good advice and are feeling better. Ireally identify

with your problems as I have a 14yo son with AS and anot terribly motivated school district too. I wanted to share a coupleof things that may help in your situation.One thing I've found in the higher grades (middle school) is that Ican tap the teachers in my son's elective classes. Some of them seem alot less stressed and willing to help. For example, just recently, Iwas very frustrated because my son had been carrying around severalitems from 2 days to 2 weeks such as lunch money, money for semesterclasses just starting, money for a new agenda he had lost, etc.,permissions slips to hand in--and nobody was asking him for thesethings. So, I sent out a blanket request to all his teachers beggingfor help. It turned out an elective teacher he has over lunch--a goodtime to take care of things--offered to take care of all those thingsand asked me to let her know whenever there were things like that

andshe would make sure he got them done. Bless her heart! I guess yourson's art teacher will not be one of these, but maybe there is anotherone.Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat myson like a "normal" kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. Isit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keephearing, "but that's just 8th grade..." This has been going on foryears. I need to interrupt them and correct them "No, he's AUTISTIC,it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going oninside his head is much different." and explain. I'm just thinking,going on some of your comments, that this is something going on inyour son's case too. They also want to hold my son "accountable" , notunderstanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son

nothing.Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!Ruth

February 16, 2009

Kids are a different breed these days, I must agree. They do talk trashy to eachother as well.

Isn't it odd about art class, I have thought the same thing. My ds made some of the most beautiful art. He made a paper mache turtle (turtles are his obsession) with feathers sticking out for wings. It was his turtle who had recently died with angel wings. It is so adorable. He got a bad grade on it because it wasn't what he was supposed to do. I have saved other art projects he did that were not what he was "supposed" to do but which are really creative for him.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Sunday, February 15, 2009, 11:35 AM

>> > Thanks Roxanna...you always make me feel so much better. I lovereading anythingï¿½ you write. You are right and I guess that is why Ifeel so much anger.ï¿½ I am going to print out what you said...and bringit with me at the next meeting which may be next Friday to go over thefindings of his Speech testing and Reading testing.ï¿½ I want toget it right. > I need to make some points....> ï¿½> 1. They need to call him to the Social Skills> 2. We need to figure out why his grade in SS went from a 96 to a 77> 3. We need to find out why he failed art> 4. We need to discuss how to motivate himJan, I'm so glad you got some good advice and are feeling better. Ireally identify with your problems as I have a 14yo son with AS and anot terribly motivated school district too. I wanted to share a coupleof things that may help in your situation.One thing I've found in the higher grades (middle school) is that Ican tap the teachers in my son's elective classes. Some of them seem alot less stressed and willing to help. For example, just recently, Iwas very frustrated because my son had been carrying around severalitems from 2 days to 2 weeks such as lunch money, money for semesterclasses just starting, money for a new agenda he had lost, etc.,permissions slips to hand in--and nobody was asking him for thesethings. So, I sent out a blanket request to all his teachers beggingfor help. It turned out an elective teacher he has over lunch--a goodtime to take care of things--offered to take care of all those thingsand asked me to let her know whenever there were things like that andshe would make sure he got them done. Bless her heart! I guess yourson's art teacher will not be one of these, but maybe there is anotherone.Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat myson like a "normal" kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. Isit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keephearing, "but that's just 8th grade..." This has been going on foryears. I need to interrupt them and correct them "No, he's AUTISTIC,it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going oninside his head is much different." and explain. I'm just thinking,going on some of your comments, that this is something going on inyour son's case too. They also want to hold my son "accountable" , notunderstanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son nothing.Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!Ruth

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February 16, 2009

>

> Kids are a different breed these days, I must agree. They do talk

trashy to eachother as well.

>

> Isn't it odd about art class, I have thought the same thing. My ds

made some of the most beautiful art. He made a paper mache turtle

(turtles are his obsession) with feathers sticking out for wings. It

was his turtle who had recently died with angel wings. It is so

adorable. He got a bad grade on it because it wasn't what he was

supposed to do. I have saved other art projects he did that were not

what he was " supposed " to do but which are really creative for him.

You know my son flunked Art too. In his case, he didn't understand

the directions half the time and couldn't get things done on time. He

also flunked band and had to quit. He was given no support

whatsoever, of course. It makes me heartsick to watch him take these

classes for fun and sit helplessly by as they become just another

thing for him to feel bad about himself. Meanwhile all the " normal "

kids get to have all these wonderful experiences in the same classes.

Gee, I guess I'm feeling a little bitter today, huh.

Ruth

February 17, 2009

lol, Ruth, you sound like me. It is really hard and hurtful to watch your kid miss out on the good things in life and for such minor reasons many times. It can make a person very bitter. The only way he will be successful in these kinds of experiences is if you can get the supports he needs in place. Then if the moon lines up with Mars on the 5th day in the 5th century and the teacher cares to learn, wah-lah! Success! (Not that I'm not still bitter...)

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

>> Kids are a different breed these days, I must agree. They do talktrashy to eachother as well. > > Isn't it odd about art class, I have thought the same thing. My dsmade some of the most beautiful art. He made a paper mache turtle(turtles are his obsession) with feathers sticking out for wings. Itwas his turtle who had recently died with angel wings. It is soadorable. He got a bad grade on it because it wasn't what he wassupposed to do. I have saved other art projects he did that were notwhat he was "supposed" to do but which are really creative for him. You know my son flunked Art too. In his case, he didn't understandthe directions half the time and couldn't get things done on time. Healso flunked band and had to quit. He was given no supportwhatsoever, of course. It makes me heartsick to watch him take theseclasses for fun and sit helplessly by as they become just anotherthing for him to feel bad about himself. Meanwhile all the "normal"kids get to have all these wonderful experiences in the same classes.Gee, I guess I'm feeling a little bitter today, huh. :)Ruth

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February 17, 2009

Great point, Roxanna. Yes, I think "normal" teen behaviors/problems affect our kids just like NT teens but the way our children deal with them and the help they need in the process, is the point. I'm not going to say if my son didn't have Aspergers he'd be an angel because he's almost 13! Of course he has the same hormonal issues as an NT kid. I kind of like (in a weird way!) when he shows "normal" pre-teen behavior because to me it's a sign he's catching up socially. Is that kooky or what? I might have to respond a little differently and make it more of a teaching moment than a mom with an NT kid, but that's what being a mom to a child w/ Aspegers is all about.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Roxanna <madideas@...> Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 8:02:59 AMSubject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Ruth,

this was a very common thing for us in middle school - to have them say, "But all boys do that" or "All 6th/7th/8th grade kids are like that", etc. It is a quick and easy way to dismiss your concerns and have you think that in a year or two, your child will no longer have AS, as it will be outgrown. If it were just a simple "maturity" problem, wouldn't we all be happy. We'd just have to wait until they hit a certain age and then, poof, they would suddenly turn NT, fit in and be able to cope with everything in life.

My ds's counselor in middle school was so bad at doing this to us every single meeting. I just wanted to choke the woman. It did not matter what problem was being discussed, she would say things like, "I wish I had an aide to help ME with that..." as if we were ordering services for a spoiled prince instead of a kid with a disability. I don't even know what "help" she thought she was providing - I found it just rude and ignorant. I think by the time he was sitting in a room by himself shredding paper, she stopped saying "all kids do that." lol.

Our kids are going through the same growth issues as typical kids but their reactions and ability to cope with it all is going to be different. As an advocate, you have to keep in your mind at all times that there is a reason he has a dx. There is a reason he has an IEP (or needs one, in your case.) It's not as if our kids are an alien species or anything. Of course, they are going to have problems like all kids their age have. (duh!) This is not the surprising part of it at all. So it's important to let people know that even if it's a "typical" teen problem to have, your ds is not the "typical" teen. That's why he has a dx, an IEP, special needs.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat myson like a "normal" kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. Isit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keephearing, "but that's just 8th grade..." This has been going on foryears. I need to interrupt them and correct them "No, he's AUTISTIC,it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going oninside his head is much different." and explain. I'm just thinking,going on some of your comments, that this is something going on inyour son's case too. They also want to hold my son "accountable" , notunderstanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son nothing.Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!Ruth

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February 17, 2009

Great point ...but my son doesn't wnat to learn anything from me....he thinks I am a NAG! Ha Ha

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 9:17 AM

Great point, Roxanna. Yes, I think "normal" teen behaviors/problems affect our kids just like NT teens but the way our children deal with them and the help they need in the process, is the point. I'm not going to say if my son didn't have Aspergers he'd be an angel because he's almost 13! Of course he has the same hormonal issues as an NT kid. I kind of like (in a weird way!) when he shows "normal" pre-teen behavior because to me it's a sign he's catching up socially. Is that kooky or what? I might have to respond a little differently and make it more of a teaching moment than a mom with an NT kid, but that's what being a mom to a child w/ Aspegers is all about.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Roxanna <madideas@zoomintern et.net> Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 8:02:59 AMSubject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Ruth,

this was a very common thing for us in middle school - to have them say, "But all boys do that" or "All 6th/7th/8th grade kids are like that", etc. It is a quick and easy way to dismiss your concerns and have you think that in a year or two, your child will no longer have AS, as it will be outgrown. If it were just a simple "maturity" problem, wouldn't we all be happy. We'd just have to wait until they hit a certain age and then, poof, they would suddenly turn NT, fit in and be able to cope with everything in life.

My ds's counselor in middle school was so bad at doing this to us every single meeting. I just wanted to choke the woman. It did not matter what problem was being discussed, she would say things like, "I wish I had an aide to help ME with that..." as if we were ordering services for a spoiled prince instead of a kid with a disability. I don't even know what "help" she thought she was providing - I found it just rude and ignorant. I think by the time he was sitting in a room by himself shredding paper, she stopped saying "all kids do that." lol.

Our kids are going through the same growth issues as typical kids but their reactions and ability to cope with it all is going to be different. As an advocate, you have to keep in your mind at all times that there is a reason he has a dx. There is a reason he has an IEP (or needs one, in your case.) It's not as if our kids are an alien species or anything. Of course, they are going to have problems like all kids their age have. (duh!) This is not the surprising part of it at all. So it's important to let people know that even if it's a "typical" teen problem to have, your ds is not the "typical" teen. That's why he has a dx, an IEP, special needs.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat myson like a "normal" kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. Isit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keephearing, "but that's just 8th grade..." This has been going on foryears. I need to interrupt them and correct them "No, he's AUTISTIC,it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going oninside his head is much different." and explain. I'm just thinking,going on some of your comments, that this is something going on inyour son's case too. They also want to hold my son "accountable" , notunderstanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son nothing.Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!Ruth

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February 17, 2009

Hey ..listen to this...my son served his time in "fix it" (in-school suspension). When I got home today....he was in a GREAT mood...talkative and smiling (really smiling which I have not seen in so long)....and he said he had the "BEST" day ever!!! It was a GREAT day...go figure....he had to sit in the room all day doing work....no talking....??? He said his friend was in there and he kept doing silly stuff and he laughed all day. OMG! Do you think my son learned not to SPIT????? Doubt it!!!!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 9:09 AM

lol, Ruth, you sound like me. It is really hard and hurtful to watch your kid miss out on the good things in life and for such minor reasons many times. It can make a person very bitter. The only way he will be successful in these kinds of experiences is if you can get the supports he needs in place. Then if the moon lines up with Mars on the 5th day in the 5th century and the teacher cares to learn, wah-lah! Success! (Not that I'm not still bitter...)

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

>> Kids are a different breed these days, I must agree. They do talktrashy to eachother as well. > > Isn't it odd about art class, I have thought the same thing. My dsmade some of the most beautiful art. He made a paper mache turtle(turtles are his obsession) with feathers sticking out for wings. Itwas his turtle who had recently died with angel wings. It is soadorable. He got a bad grade on it because it wasn't what he wassupposed to do. I have saved other art projects he did that were notwhat he was "supposed" to do but which are really creative for him. You know my son flunked Art too. In his case, he didn't understandthe directions half the time and couldn't get things done on time. Healso flunked band and had to

quit. He was given no supportwhatsoever, of course. It makes me heartsick to watch him take theseclasses for fun and sit helplessly by as they become just anotherthing for him to feel bad about himself. Meanwhile all the "normal"kids get to have all these wonderful experiences in the same classes.Gee, I guess I'm feeling a little bitter today, huh. :)Ruth

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February 17, 2009

Roxanna...

Again ...you are so right. My son is going thru the 13 (early teens) hormone changes, body changes....etc. etc. but like you said Roxanna...he doesn't handle himself well in situation like NTs would.....What 13 year old boy would spit into a girl's hair because she was making fun of your Big Brother. It is because he is not mature. And, as far as for calling her a Bitxch....she was....she knew she was hitting on his never points....He should have walked away...but he couldn't...even though I have told him this 1 million times....being Asperger's it will probably take him another million times before he really learns.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 9:02 AM

Ruth,

this was a very common thing for us in middle school - to have them say, "But all boys do that" or "All 6th/7th/8th grade kids are like that", etc. It is a quick and easy way to dismiss your concerns and have you think that in a year or two, your child will no longer have AS, as it will be outgrown. If it were just a simple "maturity" problem, wouldn't we all be happy. We'd just have to wait until they hit a certain age and then, poof, they would suddenly turn NT, fit in and be able to cope with everything in life.

My ds's counselor in middle school was so bad at doing this to us every single meeting. I just wanted to choke the woman. It did not matter what problem was being discussed, she would say things like, "I wish I had an aide to help ME with that..." as if we were ordering services for a spoiled prince instead of a kid with a disability. I don't even know what "help" she thought she was providing - I found it just rude and ignorant. I think by the time he was sitting in a room by himself shredding paper, she stopped saying "all kids do that." lol.

Our kids are going through the same growth issues as typical kids but their reactions and ability to cope with it all is going to be different. As an advocate, you have to keep in your mind at all times that there is a reason he has a dx. There is a reason he has an IEP (or needs one, in your case.) It's not as if our kids are an alien species or anything. Of course, they are going to have problems like all kids their age have. (duh!) This is not the surprising part of it at all. So it's important to let people know that even if it's a "typical" teen problem to have, your ds is not the "typical" teen. That's why he has a dx, an IEP, special needs.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Something Roxanna (I think that's who it was) said has made me think.I have the same problem you do in that they keep wanting to treat myson like a "normal" kid and deny that his autism symptoms are real. Isit in these school meetings, and over and over, from everyone, I keephearing, "but that's just 8th grade..." This has been going on foryears. I need to interrupt them and correct them "No, he's AUTISTIC,it is NOT just 8th grade. It may LOOK the same, but what is going oninside his head is much different." and explain. I'm just thinking,going on some of your comments, that this is something going on inyour son's case too. They also want to hold my son "accountable" , notunderstanding that the normal way of doing that teaches my son nothing.Hope this helps! Good luck with your meeting!Ruth

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.0.237 / Virus Database: 270.10.23/1953 - Release Date: 02/14/09 18:01:00

February 17, 2009

Well...at least he was smiling! Maybe he actually got more work

done?? I recall my oldest son (now 23) talking about their in-school

suspension class in middle school. No one minded going, the teacher

was great, likable. A good day for those students too I guess!

>

> Hey ..listen to this...my son served his time in " fix it " (in-school

suspension). When I got home today....he was in a GREAT

mood...talkative and smiling (really smiling which I have not seen in

so long)....and he said he had the " BEST " day ever!!! It was a GREAT

day...go figure....he had to sit in the room all day doing work....no

February 17, 2009

It makes me laugh as they think they are disciplining our kids and they LOVE it! LOL!Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: <@...>Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 7:38 PM

Well...at least he was smiling! Maybe he actually got more work done?? I recall my oldest son (now 23) talking about their in-school suspension class in middle school. No one minded going, the teacher was great, likable. A good day for those students too I guess! >> Hey ..listen to this...my son served his time in "fix it" (in-school suspension). When I got home today....he was in a GREAT mood...talkative and smiling (really smiling which I have not seen in so long)....and he said he had the "BEST" day ever!!! It was a GREAT day...go figure....he had to sit in the room all day doing work....no

February 17, 2009

ROFL, guess they fixed that problem....NOT!

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

>> Kids are a different breed these days, I must agree. They do talktrashy to eachother as well. > > Isn't it odd about art class, I have thought the same thing. My dsmade some of the most beautiful art. He made a paper mache turtle(turtles are his obsession) with feathers sticking out for wings. Itwas his turtle who had recently died with angel wings. It is soadorable. He got a bad grade on it because it wasn't what he wassupposed to do. I have saved other art projects he did that were notwhat he was "supposed" to do but which are really creative for him. You know my son flunked Art too. In his case, he didn't understandthe directions half the time and couldn't get things done on time. Healso flunked band and had to quit. He was given no supportwhatsoever, of course. It makes me heartsick to watch him take theseclasses for fun and sit helplessly by as they become just anotherthing for him to feel bad about himself. Meanwhile all the "normal"kids get to have all these wonderful experiences in the same classes.Gee, I guess I'm feeling a little bitter today, huh. :)Ruth

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.0.237 / Virus Database: 270.10.25/1955 - Release Date: 02/16/09 06:55:00

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February 17, 2009

When my son was still in public school he also had to spend a

day in ISS. He loved it – the class was quiet, no commotion, and he did not

have to endure the noise, pushing, shoving, etc. in the halls and cafeteria.

Tells us something, doesn’t it?

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of rushen janice

Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 6:26 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool

suspension

Hey ..listen to this...my son served his time in " fix

it " (in-school suspension). When I got home today....he was in a

GREAT mood...talkative and smiling (really smiling which I have not seen in

so long)....and he said he had the " BEST " day ever!!! It was a

GREAT day...go figure....he had to sit in the room all day doing work....no

talking....??? He said his friend was in there and he kept doing silly

stuff and he laughed all day. OMG! Do you think my son learned not to

SPIT????? Doubt it!!!!

Jan

Janice Rushen

" I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and

hope "

From: Roxanna

<madideas@...>

Subject: Re: ( ) 13, defiant, spitting, inschool suspension

Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 9:09 AM

lol, Ruth, you sound like me. It is really hard and

hurtful to watch your kid miss out on the good things in life and for such

minor reasons many times. It can make a person very

bitter. The only way he will be successful in these kinds of

experiences is if you can get the supports he needs in place. Then if

the moon lines up with Mars on the 5th day in the 5th century and the

teacher cares to learn, wah-lah! Success! (Not that I'm

not still bitter...)

Roxanna

You're Unique

Just like everyone else...

-----

Original Message -----

From: r_woman2

Sent: Monday, February

16, 2009 12:32 PM

Subject: Re: