Re: In the middle of a meltdown

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear your day is rough. I know exactly what you mean by feeling lonely. I could be sitting in a room with my husband while my aspie has a meltdown and I really feel alone!! DH doesnt handle them well so I have to deal with both of them, no support!!! I dont mean to speak for everyone, but I think a lot of us feel alone and over pressured, overstressed. We have special needs children!! If only special needs won lotteries or awards or heck I'd settle for a bounce house to help me (help my aspie) feel better. I got called names all weekend, its so hard on the heart. When things do get quiet and know in your heart you work so hard for them and you love them so much that you've fought for them, given in for them and stood by them it can be very ominous for such a small price. No one is perfect, but theres A LOT of women out there who might be thinking the same as you so you're not alone, you can

come here and say something and you know there will be someone saying YOU CAN DO IT!!! It's hard but you're strong and you have a lot of love!(this goes for ALL the moms out there today or yesterday or ALL MONTH! who have had bad days and hard trials!) Hope your day improves! conniejrushen <jrushen@...> wrote: Oh boy....we have not had a meltdown in a long time....but we just did. Ugh! Why? I think he is tired. I think he is upset that his TSS is late. I think he is lonely and maybe without

knowing it missing his poppy. It all started when I pushed him out of bed (not literally). He got in the shower...of course he take a super long one...I think the hot water relaxes him. I was in the kitchen and when i went ot check on him...he was all wrapped up in the super large bathtowel and laying on my bed that I just made with his soaking wet head on the pillow. I told him to get his head off my pillow sham...that he was getting it soaked....he paid no attention...acted like he was sleeping. Of course the phone has to start ringing....it is the TSS...he is running late ...he was with his wife and new baby...(so typical of him). He said he would be here at 1 or 1:30 instead of 11 am. He asked what was going on and I explained...now mind you I was at my boiling point. The TSS told me to Xbox away ...which I did...I hid the controller and ear-piece and I took the new laptop too. In

fact I am typing on it now. I told my son to go to his room...I wanted to work in my room....he went off to the new "hang out" room and laid on the floor with all the pillows...he called me "retarded" and that he never wants me to talk to him again.....the door is closed ....and about 5 min later...he shouts from the room is "J coming" (the TSS). I didn't answer him. He shouted it louder and I refused to answer. Now it is all quiet ...I bet he is sound asleep. It is times like this that I feel so overwhelmed. So lonely and sad. I feel I am confined to the house because he really doesn't want to go out and so many people are coming to see him. I miss Poppy being here to talk to. I don't know how to help my son and I know he must be hurting inside....I think he is lonely ... Anyways...I just wanted to write ....I know you are all out there and I pray for each and every one of you and thank you all

for your wonderful thoughts and advice and tips. I don't like arguing and am very sensitive lately. I have always beleived that everyone is entitled to their opinion and no one is 100% right....we all need to be a little more sensitive to each other. If people think I am a bS then let it be....I can not change the way they think....I know I am sincere and that I care about everyone...maybe too much and thus I am always getting hurt. I am always taking care of others and now that poppy has passed ....I am recooperating....and let me tell you it is hard because I still have my son to deal with. I like this site, I like people and I am very, very sincere in what I say. maybe I am too mushy for some but that is me. Jan

[Guest guest]

Thanks Connie...yeah it is hard and stressful on us....my husband is sort of laid back too and let's me handle a lot of it....I feel tired and worn out...and it feels good just to sit and listen to silence....odd ? Maybe but I like the calm...peace and tranquility....

Thanks for being there for me ...

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

Oh boy....we have not had a meltdown in a long time....but we just did. Ugh! Why? I think he is tired. I think he is upset that his TSS is late. I think he is lonely and maybe without knowing it missing his poppy.It all started when I pushed him out of bed (not literally). He got in the shower...of course he take a super long one...I think the hot water relaxes him. I was in the kitchen and when i went ot check on him...he was all wrapped up in the super large bathtowel and laying on my bed that I just made with his soaking wet head on the pillow. I told him to get his head off my pillow sham...that he was getting it soaked....he paid no attention... acted like he was sleeping. Of course the phone has to start ringing....it is the TSS...he is running late ...he was with his wife and new baby...(so typical of him). He said he would be here at 1 or 1:30 instead of 11 am. He asked what was

going on and I explained... now mind you I was at my boiling point. The TSS told me to Xbox away ...which I did...I hid the controller and ear-piece and I took the new laptop too. In fact I am typing on it now. I told my son to go to his room...I wanted to work in my room....he went off to the new "hang out" room and laid on the floor with all the pillows...he called me "retarded" and that he never wants me to talk to him again.....the door is closed ....and about 5 min later...he shouts from the room is "J coming" (the TSS). I didn't answer him. He shouted it louder and I refused to answer. Now it is all quiet ...I bet he is sound asleep.It is times like this that I feel so overwhelmed. So lonely and sad. I feel I am confined to the house because he really doesn't want to go out and so many people are coming to see him. I miss Poppy being here to talk to. I don't know how to help my son and I know

he must be hurting inside....I think he is lonely ...Anyways...I just wanted to write ....I know you are all out there and I pray for each and every one of you and thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and advice and tips. I don't like arguing and am very sensitive lately. I have always beleived that everyone is entitled to their opinion and no one is 100% right....we all need to be a little more sensitive to each other. If people think I am a bS then let it be....I can not change the way they think....I know I am sincere and that I care about everyone...maybe too much and thus I am always getting hurt. I am always taking care of others and now that poppy has passed ....I am recooperating. ...and let me tell you it is hard because I still have my son to deal with. I like this site, I like people and I am very, very sincere in what I say. maybe I am too mushy for some but that is me.

Jan

[Guest guest]

>

> Thanks Connie...yeah it is hard and stressful on us....my husband is

sort of laid back too and let's me handle a lot of it....I feel tired

and worn out...and it feels good just to sit and listen to

silence....odd ? Maybe but I like the calm...peace and tranquility....

Jan, just to let you know, I can identify with every single thing

you've said--and lots of hugs. My AS son tells me I'm stupid, a jerk,

and wishes I'd die. He gets the stupid from bad TV, his dad calls

people jerks, and I don't know where he gets the other from. I get

the brunt of everything because I'm the one that " makes " him do all

the stuff he doesn't want to do. He's one of those that holds it

together with difficulty at school, so teachers only get a very

watered down version. He has outbursts pretty much every day.

I think he is pretty much thinking out loud and doesn't have the

social sense to realize he needs to keep it to himself. If you think

about it, people think this nasty stuff all the time, but most people

don't need to be told to keep it to themselves. Believe it or not, he

is by nature a very sweet and kind person! He is very non-physical

and squeamish and would never hurt a flea. You probably can believe

that, because your son is probably the same way. He also thinks out

loud at school, especially in math, and nobody can get him to

understand why he needs to stop. He gets a lot of flack from the

other kids, but seems unable to stop himself. Since he has only a

504, there is no behavior plan in place. Very frustrating.

I think it all comes down to anxiety.

I'm kinda rambling, but I wanted to give you a cyber hug!!!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Ladies...you both work too hard for your boys to be treated like that. Seriously. It's not right for your child to call you names and treat you so badly. I would highly recommend you sit down with each of them, when everything is calm, and tell him you've decided you aren't going to put up with the name calling anymore and if it happens, he'll get one warning and if it happens after that, he gets his computer/video game/whatever taken away for the rest of the day. Only say it if you mean it though. My son would never say anything like that to me, ever. And he thinks out loud too. He's very impulsive and has a hard time being quiet, especially when he's frustrated. But he would never say anything like that to me. Now, he'll argue with me

for a day if I let him! But no name calling. Neither of you deserve it! It's got to feel like a knife to the heart when it happens. Make it stop....today.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

>> Thanks Connie...yeah it is hard and stressful on us....my husband issort of laid back too and let's me handle a lot of it....I feel tiredand worn out...and it feels good just to sit and listen tosilence....odd ? Maybe but I like the calm...peace and tranquility. ...Jan, just to let you know, I can identify with every single thingyou've said--and lots of hugs. My AS son tells me I'm stupid, a jerk,and wishes I'd die. He gets the stupid from bad TV, his dad callspeople jerks, and I don't know where he gets the other from. I getthe brunt of everything because I'm the one that "makes" him do allthe stuff he doesn't want to do. He's one of those that holds ittogether with

difficulty at school, so teachers only get a verywatered down version. He has outbursts pretty much every day.I think he is pretty much thinking out loud and doesn't have thesocial sense to realize he needs to keep it to himself. If you thinkabout it, people think this nasty stuff all the time, but most peopledon't need to be told to keep it to themselves. Believe it or not, heis by nature a very sweet and kind person! He is very non-physicaland squeamish and would never hurt a flea. You probably can believethat, because your son is probably the same way. He also thinks outloud at school, especially in math, and nobody can get him tounderstand why he needs to stop. He gets a lot of flack from theother kids, but seems unable to stop himself. Since he has only a504, there is no behavior plan in place. Very frustrating.I think it all comes down to anxiety.I'm kinda rambling, but I wanted

to give you a cyber hug!!!Ruth

[Guest guest]

You know I never thought of it as thinking out loud...yeah as I kid I probably said things in my mind or under my breath....I do need to stop it....it doesn't really hurt because I know deep down he loves me more than anything. Also of it is "lack of impulse control" and difficulty of learning from experience. For instance...he had another fit when we would not let him go over his friends house....he got angry in front of his other friend who was at the house....he walked down the hall and threw his cell phone...now you think he would have learned from when he broke his IPOD.....

My husband made him clean up the hang out room and took the lap top away....but it will be enforcing all day tomorrow...like I need to deal with more junk....anyways...after he calmed down ...he came out and watched t.v. with his friend and me. He was looking at his phone and asked me if it was loose...broken...then he says I guess I gonna need a new phone...and I said...sorry you're outta luck....you threw it ..so if it is broken...oh well. And I walked away.

For some reason he has been out of sorts...I will have to sit down and talk with him tomorrow and see what is really going on ....

thanks for listening...and yeah in reality ...he is sweet and kind and tries to act tough...but I stare him down...and then he starts laughing....it is like I break the anger....

But I never take it to heart and now at least he comes and says sorry or I love you mom....

and I know he means it....I think he is afraid...it is a big scary world out there and he knows without me he would be lost....so tomorrow I will sit and talk with him. I also think he is beginning to think about school coming up...7th grade...getting on the bus by himself...no poppy around....ugh!

Thanks everyone.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 7:32 PM

Ladies...you both work too hard for your boys to be treated like that. Seriously. It's not right for your child to call you names and treat you so badly. I would highly recommend you sit down with each of them, when everything is calm, and tell him you've decided you aren't going to put up with the name calling anymore and if it happens, he'll get one warning and if it happens after that, he gets his computer/video game/whatever taken away for the rest of the day. Only say it if you mean it though. My son would never say anything like that to me, ever. And he thinks out loud too. He's very impulsive and has a hard time being quiet, especially when he's frustrated. But he would never say anything like that to me. Now, he'll argue with me for a day if I let him! But no name calling. Neither of you deserve it! It's got to feel like a knife to the heart when it happens. Make

it stop....today.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

>> Thanks Connie...yeah it is hard and stressful on us....my husband issort of laid back too and let's me handle a lot of it....I feel tiredand worn out...and it feels good just to sit and listen tosilence....odd ? Maybe but I like the calm...peace and tranquility. ...Jan, just to let you know, I can identify with every single thingyou've said--and lots of hugs. My AS son tells me I'm stupid, a jerk,and wishes I'd die. He gets the stupid from bad TV, his dad callspeople jerks, and I don't know where he gets the other from. I getthe brunt of everything because I'm the one that "makes" him do allthe stuff he doesn't want to do. He's one of those that holds ittogether with difficulty at school, so teachers only get a

verywatered down version. He has outbursts pretty much every day.I think he is pretty much thinking out loud and doesn't have thesocial sense to realize he needs to keep it to himself. If you thinkabout it, people think this nasty stuff all the time, but most peopledon't need to be told to keep it to themselves. Believe it or not, heis by nature a very sweet and kind person! He is very non-physicaland squeamish and would never hurt a flea. You probably can believethat, because your son is probably the same way. He also thinks outloud at school, especially in math, and nobody can get him tounderstand why he needs to stop. He gets a lot of flack from theother kids, but seems unable to stop himself. Since he has only a504, there is no behavior plan in place. Very frustrating.I think it all comes down to anxiety.I'm kinda rambling, but I wanted to give you a cyber

hug!!!Ruth

[Guest guest]

> Make it stop....today.

Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know a

behavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like you

suggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child's

dx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,

since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't apply

boundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.

A is a natural " reward " , but it isn't a choice. There is a subtle

difference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,

getting them " used " to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, being

encouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. I

don't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns than

others, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in fact

can be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

My son is dx asperger's syndrome...it was ADHD and then PDD nos...but the melt down have been less frequent this summer....I think part is due to school coming around the corner, being tired, his TSS not showing up on time and I made his rush to be ready....and who knows what else is going on. I have been better at handling them...I basically tell him to go to his room and let him rant and rave....as long as he is not throwing anything or hurting himself. And, he has begun to apologize which is something new. We are putting our foot down and telling him no and such but I can only work on one or two things at a time.

He never went for the reward system even as a baby...just didn't work for him. Now I tell him ...you want Xbox time then get up or you want this then do that....we are working on our parenting skills as well....

I never knew parenting would be this hard....and it is exhausting at time...but then rewarding when he says...mom...I love you.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 10:51 PM

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to

outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

When my son was younger, he had meltdowns all of the time (like from 13-months old until probably 8). It was so hard to deal with. But luckily I took the advice of a great psychologist and was consistent with my approach and he got the picture. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened. My son was originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Integration Disorder when he was 3, then ADHD when he was 4/5, Anxiety- NOS when he was about 7, and finally Aspergers when he was 11. He's 12 now. I think Aspergers is the true and only diagnosis though. Possibly anxiety, but I know kids with Aspergers are prone to anxiety so I'm not so sure it's a separate diagnosis. I've NEVER focused on the diagnosis though. I've focused on the behaviors.

And I had to give Dylan a few more warnings than I do my daughter but that was because he had to settle down and lock in to what was happening and usually that would take a little extra time. I compare it to opening the CD case before you press "Stop". When you open the case, the CD is still spinning but eventually it will stop on its own. That's what I did when disciplining my son. I'd give him extra warnings so he could fully realize what he was doing and consider the consequences (it wasn't a quick thing) and then when I could tell he was aware of what was happening, if he didn't stop, he was in a timeout. Now that he's older, he only gets one warning.

I hate when I see on this site how people are resolved to having kids with inappropriate behavior and it seems like people just accept it or walk around on eggshells to not disrupt their child or provoke a problem. That's not going to make anything better...I know, I used to do the same thing. But then you are like in a prison in your own home. I often sit here, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, you can take control and make things better in your home! You really can! Doesn't mean the Aspergers goes away, of course it doesn't. Dylan still has issues, but they don't involve him calling me names or sleeping until noon or playing games all day long. And he is on zero medication in the summers, weekends, evenings, holidays. Only takes the Daytrana patch for focus when he's in school (lowest dosage). I don't see how, as a group, we can

act like this type of behavior is just a symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT. I feel a responsibility to the people who read these posts who are new or just don't feel like being public to say it DOESN'T have to be this way. You DON'T have to accept things the way they are. We had years of tough times. Dylan still has trouble w/ social relationships and for those of you following along, we had some tough times the second part of 6th grade earlier this year. But I don't want any person reading this to throw in the towel and think "I guess this is just how it has to be" because it doesn't.

Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, but I want to give people hope, put back some power in their hearts and minds, and maybe boost their confidence to make some changes that could completely alter the household. Feeling like you are at the mercy of your child's mood or Aspergers diagnosis is no way to live. We really turned a corner in the 4th grade. It can happen.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while.

Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

> I never knew parenting would be this hard....and it is exhausting at

time...but then rewarding when he says...mom...I love you.

> �

Aw, but isn't that the truth! --Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

I don't see how, as a group, we can act like this type of behavior is

just a

> symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT.

Unfortunately, , for some kids, it is. I'm not going to sit

here and argue with you about it. Either you can accept our word for

it or you can't. I think you should count yourself lucky you son has

not been afflicted this way.

> Not saying what works for us will work for everyone,

Exactly.

Don't take this the wrong way--your intentions and support are

appreciated. I have to say that if I did not have a child like my

son, I really don't know what I would think about all this.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

shelley I hear what you are saying and my family is working on it...we didn't get the dx until 6th grade...I really don't care what they dx him as ...as long as he gets the help he needs and the help that i need to deal with him. No melt downs are not appropriate at age 12 3/4...but they happen...but the good news (fingers and toes crossed)....they are less frequent and the duration is less and he is apologizing. He is learning how to deal with his fustrations and anger. He is becoming more mature....and feeling comfortable within himself. And yes we sleep till noon and that is my fault too...i am exhausted and quite down n the dump after taking care of Poppy for 12 years and the last 2 when he had pancreatic cancer. I did not want to put him in the hospice house but did the last week of his life. I am dealing with guilt, lonliness and missing him

very much. He was a big part of our lives....so I have been not doing much of anything this summer...partly I need the rest...and I am a night owl as my son....that is one thing we have in common ....LOL...but my husband is just the oppostie...he is up at the crack of dawn and in bed by 9.

It is all taking time and I know I can work with my son to improve his behavior but it will take time...and the team that is helping me ...told me we can only work on so much at a time....So we are working on his meltdowns, respect and anger. I have seen quite an improvement....

I guess I was feeling lonely and down and fustrated that his meltdown bothered me more. I was angry at his TSS for being late and then calling and canceling....but the day did not go to waste ...I finished making several necklaces...so I must look on the brighter side.

Thanks,

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 11:20 PM

When my son was younger, he had meltdowns all of the time (like from 13-months old until probably 8). It was so hard to deal with. But luckily I took the advice of a great psychologist and was consistent with my approach and he got the picture. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened. My son was originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Integration Disorder when he was 3, then ADHD when he was 4/5, Anxiety- NOS when he was about 7, and finally Aspergers when he was 11. He's 12 now. I think Aspergers is the true and only diagnosis though. Possibly anxiety, but I know kids with Aspergers are prone to anxiety so I'm not so sure it's a separate diagnosis. I've NEVER focused on the diagnosis though. I've focused on the behaviors. And I had to give Dylan a few more warnings than I do my daughter but that was because he had to settle down and lock in to what was happening and usually that

would take a little extra time. I compare it to opening the CD case before you press "Stop". When you open the case, the CD is still spinning but eventually it will stop on its own. That's what I did when disciplining my son. I'd give him extra warnings so he could fully realize what he was doing and consider the consequences (it wasn't a quick thing) and then when I could tell he was aware of what was happening, if he didn't stop, he was in a timeout. Now that he's older, he only gets one warning.

I hate when I see on this site how people are resolved to having kids with inappropriate behavior and it seems like people just accept it or walk around on eggshells to not disrupt their child or provoke a problem. That's not going to make anything better...I know, I used to do the same thing. But then you are like in a prison in your own home. I often sit here, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, you can take control and make things better in your home! You really can! Doesn't mean the Aspergers goes away, of course it doesn't. Dylan still has issues, but they don't involve him calling me names or sleeping until noon or playing games all day long. And he is on zero medication in the summers, weekends, evenings, holidays. Only takes the Daytrana patch for focus when he's in school (lowest dosage). I don't see how, as a group, we

can act like this type of behavior is just a symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT. I feel a responsibility to the people who read these posts who are new or just don't feel like being public to say it DOESN'T have to be this way. You DON'T have to accept things the way they are. We had years of tough times. Dylan still has trouble w/ social relationships and for those of you following along, we had some tough times the second part of 6th grade earlier this year. But I don't want any person reading this to throw in the towel and think "I guess this is just how it has to be" because it doesn't.

Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, but I want to give people hope, put back some power in their hearts and minds, and maybe boost their confidence to make some changes that could completely alter the household. Feeling like you are at the mercy of your child's mood or Aspergers diagnosis is no way to live. We really turned a corner in the 4th grade. It can happen.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to

outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

> ...but the good news (fingers and toes crossed)....they are less

frequent and the duration is less and he is apologizing. He is

learning how to deal with his fustrations and anger.

I think this is a very big step forward. Congrats! My son is 13 and

he is still at the stage where he acts like nothing happened. We've

been having a very hard time getting his " team " together, so I'm happy

for you that that is going well for you. One thing I've learned is

that they have to get the interventions from more than one place, at

least my son does. We can't do it on our own.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

You know what makes me sad about that Ruth? It sounds like you're giving up. I thought there was no way my son would ever get to the point he's at today. But I kept trying and I've never given up. Is this group for everyone to just say "this is the way it is" or is it a place to provide information, what works in our own homes, and hope for the future? I wouldn't want to be on here if I couldn't read what works for others. I most like to read about boys older than my son who've had successes in college and living away from home. Not to say it's wrong to post our struggles b/c we all have them and this is a great place to share them, even if it's just to get it off our chests with others who might understand. I feel for you, Ruth. I can

tell you're struggling and I wish I could do something to help. I know what it's like to feel hopeless for the kind of future we envisioned for our sons when they were babies.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

>I don't see how, as a group, we can act like this type of behavior isjust a> symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT.Unfortunately, , for some kids, it is. I'm not going to sithere and argue with you about it. Either you can accept our word forit or you can't. I think you should count yourself lucky you son hasnot been afflicted this way.> Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, Exactly.Don't take this the wrong way--your intentions and support areappreciated. I have to say that if I did not have a child like myson, I really don't know what I would think about all this.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

It really sounds like you've got some good goals set up for your son. Like I said, my son was also diagnosed w/ Aspergers late (about 11 1/2 yrs old). The fact he's apologizing to you is WONDERFUL. That means you guys are definitely on the right track.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while.

Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

Yeah it is Ruth and it is what keeps me going....now do you want to hear something interesting....

My little wise man (12 3/4) just told me that he likes arguing with me....he said it is fun and exciting...now isn't that a strange one.....I remember reading in a book on ADHD that kids if they are bored will provoke a fight just for the excitment....hmmmmmmmmmmm

I still beleive my son has ADHD qualities as well as AS and high Anxiety!!!!! He has more fears than carter has liver pills.

He won't skateboard, ski, snowboard, go on a lot of rides like the roller coaster, doesn't like to climb trees, heights, afraid of spiders and other bugs, afraid t try new things or eat new things, fear of dying, fear of me dying, fear of riding too fast down a hill....I could go on and on and on....

Some mornngs he would get so anxious about going to school he would get sick to his stomach....he is better now that he is on the smaller bus where the kids can't pick on him for stupid stuff...like he can't spell. Ugh!

I know he doesn't have the impulse control...he jsut does....it doesn't sink in...if I throw my phone it may break....and mom won't get me a new one...no he jsut throws it....

Or when the kid on the bus said something cruel on the bus ...he flipped out and cursed. He didn't stop to think...heh I can't do this. That is what worried me...and when kids say...hey..do this...he does....and he is always the one that gets in trouble...he doesn't stop to think...why should I do this...he should...no he just does it cause he wants the kid as a friend. Some friend...they never call. He says yeah I have lots of friends...no you have acquaintances ...kids you know in school but they are not really your friends. I tell him all you need is one good friend...that is all.

I think the meltdowns are part of their fustrations ...becoming overloaded ...tired...depressed...we are working on changing this behavior. It won't happen over night....and I believe it depends on where the child is on the spectrum.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

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From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 11:21 PM

> I never knew parenting would be this hard....and it is exhausting attime...but then rewarding when he says...mom.. .I love you.> �Aw, but isn't that the truth! --Ruth

[Guest guest]

Good night and it was nice chatting with you....I have a few more weeks till I go back working in the school.....oh so much fun!

They sure keep me on my toes.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Wednesday, August 6, 2008, 12:05 AM

> My little wise man (12 3/4) just told me that he likes arguing withme....he said it is fun and exciting...now isn't that a strangeone.....I remember reading in a book on ADHD that kids if they arebored will provoke a fight just for the excitment... .hmmmmmmmmmmmThat's funny. My MOM is known for this!!! I never heard it might beconnected with ADHD. > He won't skateboard, ski, snowboard, go on a lot of rides like theroller coaster, doesn't like to climb trees, heights, afraid ofspiders and other bugs, afraid t try new things or eat new things,fear of dying, fear of me dying, fear of riding too fast down ahill....I could go on and on and on....Mine too. He went curiously to his brother's roller hockey practiceonce.

A boy fell down and started crying (this was when they wereyounger). His comment was: "Yep, just as I suspected--toodangerous!" When he skates, he goes an inch an hour, very carefully.Your son sounds so much like mine. I don't know any other kids inperson who are so much like my son. Just knowing there are others isvery therapeutic.I'm going to have to go to bed though. I have to get up for worktomorrow! I've enjoyed chatting with everyone!Ruth

[Guest guest]

I understand if your child has all of those other diagnoses, but I'm speaking about a child w/ Aspergers.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while.

Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

Wow...Donna...bless you...did the pscyhiatrist dx your son with all those dx's....I still think my son is ADHD along with AS....and sometimes I thought he was bipolar because he was like 2 different people but the dr. said no...and he does have the opposiontional definant tendencies along with a touch of OCD ....but maybe this is all part of the AS. I am not sure.

Late last night we talked. Would you beleive he told me he likes to argue and get my goat. What a little smart kid....but he admitted it....and that is the ADHD in him. He is bored so he will cause an argument or fight just for the excitement of it. Ugh!

But I do know his meltdowns and I mean the real meltdowns are caused from frustrationsand overload....they are less frequent and the amount of time or duration is less....but they still happen and I think we need to teach him to know the signs of being overloaded or stresssed so that he can go somewhere quiet and prevent the meltdowns.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: MacAllister <smacalli (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 11:20 PM

When my son was younger, he had meltdowns all of the time (like from 13-months old until probably 8). It was so hard to deal with. But luckily I took the advice of a great psychologist and was consistent with my approach and he got the picture. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened. My son was originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Integration Disorder when he was 3, then ADHD when he was 4/5, Anxiety- NOS when he was about 7, and finally Aspergers when he was 11. He's 12 now. I think Aspergers is the true and only diagnosis though. Possibly anxiety, but I know kids with Aspergers are prone to anxiety so I'm not so sure it's a separate diagnosis. I've NEVER focused on the diagnosis though. I've focused on the behaviors. And I had to give Dylan a few more warnings than I do my daughter but that was because he had to settle down and lock in to what was happening and usually that

would take a little extra time. I compare it to opening the CD case before you press "Stop". When you open the case, the CD is still spinning but eventually it will stop on its own. That's what I did when disciplining my son. I'd give him extra warnings so he could fully realize what he was doing and consider the consequences (it wasn't a quick thing) and then when I could tell he was aware of what was happening, if he didn't stop, he was in a timeout. Now that he's older, he only gets one warning.

I hate when I see on this site how people are resolved to having kids with inappropriate behavior and it seems like people just accept it or walk around on eggshells to not disrupt their child or provoke a problem. That's not going to make anything better...I know, I used to do the same thing. But then you are like in a prison in your own home. I often sit here, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, you can take control and make things better in your home! You really can! Doesn't mean the Aspergers goes away, of course it doesn't. Dylan still has issues, but they don't involve him calling me names or sleeping until noon or playing games all day long. And he is on zero medication in the summers, weekends, evenings, holidays. Only takes the Daytrana patch for focus when he's in school (lowest dosage). I don't see how, as a group, we

can act like this type of behavior is just a symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT. I feel a responsibility to the people who read these posts who are new or just don't feel like being public to say it DOESN'T have to be this way. You DON'T have to accept things the way they are. We had years of tough times. Dylan still has trouble w/ social relationships and for those of you following along, we had some tough times the second part of 6th grade earlier this year. But I don't want any person reading this to throw in the towel and think "I guess this is just how it has to be" because it doesn't.

Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, but I want to give people hope, put back some power in their hearts and minds, and maybe boost their confidence to make some changes that could completely alter the household. Feeling like you are at the mercy of your child's mood or Aspergers diagnosis is no way to live. We really turned a corner in the 4th grade. It can happen.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to

outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

, I started to write you a LONG post about an event that just happened at a picnic but decided to delete it because there might be some sensitive people reading and responding and I'm in and out all day long and might miss a post to respond back. SOOOOOOO - long story short. Where I live, I WISH there were more parents that could read your post and have the same values as you ..... Rose MacAllister <smacalli@...> wrote: I understand if your child has all of those other diagnoses, but I'm speaking about a child w/ Aspergers. Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown > Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are

more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

,My child does have Aspergers & I think that there are probably more children with other diagnoses in addition to their Asperger diagnosis. Unfortunately all of these diagnoses are invisible which causes many people who see him meltdown in a public to stare & offer opinions such as yours that we just need to lay down the law or have more severe consequences. I am tired of these attitudes.Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Aug 6, 2008, at 9:49 AM, Rose <beachbodytan2002@...> wrote:

, I started to write you a LONG post about an event that just happened at a picnic but decided to delete it because there might be some sensitive people reading and responding and I'm in and out all day long and might miss a post to respond back. SOOOOOOO - long story short. Where I live, I WISH there were more parents that could read your post and have the same values as you ..... Rose MacAllister <smacalli > wrote: I understand if your child has all of those other diagnoses, but I'm speaking about a child w/ Aspergers. Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown > Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are

more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

Yes, my son was diagnosed with all of these by a neuropsychologist. He also has sensory & anxiety issues. He just returned from 16 months in a residential placement where the therapists did work in helping him to recognize his triggers & learned coping skills. He has been home for 2 months. He had his first meltdown a couple of days ago when he had to clean his room. He asked me to check it & I told him that it was not fine right because he had shoved it all under his bed. He started cursing, throwing things. He got very angry when I started removing his electronics & jumped on my back. Once all of his stuff was removed I left the room. When he calmed down I told him he had lost his stuff for two days.Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Aug 6, 2008, at 9:46 AM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

Wow...Donna...bless you...did the pscyhiatrist dx your son with all those dx's....I still think my son is ADHD along with AS....and sometimes I thought he was bipolar because he was like 2 different people but the dr. said no...and he does have the opposiontional definant tendencies along with a touch of OCD ....but maybe this is all part of the AS. I am not sure.

Late last night we talked. Would you beleive he told me he likes to argue and get my goat. What a little smart kid....but he admitted it....and that is the ADHD in him. He is bored so he will cause an argument or fight just for the excitement of it. Ugh!

But I do know his meltdowns and I mean the real meltdowns are caused from frustrationsand overload....they are less frequent and the amount of time or duration is less....but they still happen and I think we need to teach him to know the signs of being overloaded or stresssed so that he can go somewhere quiet and prevent the meltdowns.

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: MacAllister <smacalli (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 11:20 PM

When my son was younger, he had meltdowns all of the time (like from 13-months old until probably 8). It was so hard to deal with. But luckily I took the advice of a great psychologist and was consistent with my approach and he got the picture. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened. My son was originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Integration Disorder when he was 3, then ADHD when he was 4/5, Anxiety- NOS when he was about 7, and finally Aspergers when he was 11. He's 12 now. I think Aspergers is the true and only diagnosis though. Possibly anxiety, but I know kids with Aspergers are prone to anxiety so I'm not so sure it's a separate diagnosis. I've NEVER focused on the diagnosis though. I've focused on the behaviors. And I had to give Dylan a few more warnings than I do my daughter but that was because he had to settle down and lock in to what was happening and usually that

would take a little extra time. I compare it to opening the CD case before you press "Stop". When you open the case, the CD is still spinning but eventually it will stop on its own. That's what I did when disciplining my son. I'd give him extra warnings so he could fully realize what he was doing and consider the consequences (it wasn't a quick thing) and then when I could tell he was aware of what was happening, if he didn't stop, he was in a timeout. Now that he's older, he only gets one warning.

I hate when I see on this site how people are resolved to having kids with inappropriate behavior and it seems like people just accept it or walk around on eggshells to not disrupt their child or provoke a problem. That's not going to make anything better...I know, I used to do the same thing. But then you are like in a prison in your own home. I often sit here, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, you can take control and make things better in your home! You really can! Doesn't mean the Aspergers goes away, of course it doesn't. Dylan still has issues, but they don't involve him calling me names or sleeping until noon or playing games all day long. And he is on zero medication in the summers, weekends, evenings, holidays. Only takes the Daytrana patch for focus when he's in school (lowest dosage). I don't see how, as a group, we

can act like this type of behavior is just a symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT. I feel a responsibility to the people who read these posts who are new or just don't feel like being public to say it DOESN'T have to be this way. You DON'T have to accept things the way they are. We had years of tough times. Dylan still has trouble w/ social relationships and for those of you following along, we had some tough times the second part of 6th grade earlier this year. But I don't want any person reading this to throw in the towel and think "I guess this is just how it has to be" because it doesn't.

Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, but I want to give people hope, put back some power in their hearts and minds, and maybe boost their confidence to make some changes that could completely alter the household. Feeling like you are at the mercy of your child's mood or Aspergers diagnosis is no way to live. We really turned a corner in the 4th grade. It can happen.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to

outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

I would never approach anyone in public with that. But I will continue to advocate for timeouts at home for our children when they have inappropriate behavior. Hey, I spanked my son in Kindergarten, at the end of my rope, trying to "reinforce at home" what happens at school. But quickly saw that didn't work at all. His feelings would be so hurt about getting a spanking, all learning about appropriate behavior was out the window. But then I was introduced to a great psychologist who worked w/ me to teach me effective discipline and I tried it, and it worked. I think the best thing about the timeout was Dylan got to sit in a quiet place, no stimulation, and just chill out. Then I'd sit down with him at the end of the timeout and we'd talk about what

happened. And it always ended with a kiss and an "I love you" from me.

And now my son is 200% better than he used to be. He can get control of himself 95% of the time, on his own, without me having to do anything. He prides himself in making the right choices and wants to please me so much, it's so sweet. He's growing up to be a fantastic young man. So I'm convinced. If you think your child doesn't need discipline, albeit modified, on some occasions, you are wrong. He's a kid! They all need some form of discipline at some point. Doesn't mean they're bad or you're bad, it's all a part of growing up.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while.

Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

At no point have I indicated that I do not feel that my child should not have consequences either in public or at home. However, I also would be very careful to not intentionally put my child into situations that cause meltdowns. These situations have to be worked on slowly do my son can learn how to deal with all of the stimuli. I would not punish a toddler of baby who was acting out because they had missed a nap were tired. My child with AS often has a tired, overloadss sensory system when they act out. My philosophy is to teach them the alternative appropriate behavior, such as communicating their feelings rather than punishing. I do remove them from the situation but if they are overloaded this is actually a reward & a relief.Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Aug 6, 2008, at 1:14 PM, MacAllister <smacalli@...> wrote:

I would never approach anyone in public with that. But I will continue to advocate for timeouts at home for our children when they have inappropriate behavior. Hey, I spanked my son in Kindergarten, at the end of my rope, trying to "reinforce at home" what happens at school. But quickly saw that didn't work at all. His feelings would be so hurt about getting a spanking, all learning about appropriate behavior was out the window. But then I was introduced to a great psychologist who worked w/ me to teach me effective discipline and I tried it, and it worked. I think the best thing about the timeout was Dylan got to sit in a quiet place, no stimulation, and just chill out. Then I'd sit down with him at the end of the timeout and we'd talk about what

happened. And it always ended with a kiss and an "I love you" from me.

And now my son is 200% better than he used to be. He can get control of himself 95% of the time, on his own, without me having to do anything. He prides himself in making the right choices and wants to please me so much, it's so sweet. He's growing up to be a fantastic young man. So I'm convinced. If you think your child doesn't need discipline, albeit modified, on some occasions, you are wrong. He's a kid! They all need some form of discipline at some point. Doesn't mean they're bad or you're bad, it's all a part of growing up.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while.

Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> But I will continue to advocate for timeouts at home for our

children when they have inappropriate behavior.

What you are doing is not advocating. You are drawing assumptions

about other people's parenting methodology based on your own

experience with your own kids.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

You know ...my son is 12 3/4 ...and I tell him to clean up the "hang out" room. So he goes in and comes back out about 5 or 10 min. later and says all done. I go and look...now mind you it was better then before....but the comforters were just rolled into a ball...and pushed aside..and someother things....so in my mind I am thinking...his version of clean is different than my version of clean....

And, the other thing....I told his father the other night...go in and help him ..show him exactly what you mean by clean up...I think even though it might sound silly...they don't know exactly what you want or it becomes too overwhelming for them.

I am not sure if your son was trying to get out of cleaning his room or he thought by pushing everything under the bed ..meant...yes my room is clean now. Sometimes I feel I need to go in and go thru each step with my son...pick up all the dirty clothes ...put them in the hamper, then take all the soda cans ..empty them and put them in the recyle...put all your games back in their cases and put them back into the bookshelf...fold the comforter...neatly as possible (and show him how to do it)...go step by step by step...and I am constantly explaining if you take care of your stuff they will last, won't get broken or lost!!! But. I am still working on it. LOL

Jan

Janice Rushen

Mom, Mentor, Wife, Teacher, Advocate, Accountant,

Maid, Taxi, Shopper, Bulletin Board Artist

Nanny, Crafter, Therapist, Friend, Sister, Aunt,

Daughter, Grand-daughter, Personal Care Aide,

Student, Believer, and Giver.

From: MacAllister <smacalli (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown Date: Tuesday, August 5, 2008, 11:20 PM

When my son was younger, he had meltdowns all of the time (like from 13-months old until probably 8). It was so hard to deal with. But luckily I took the advice of a great psychologist and was consistent with my approach and he got the picture. This didn't happen overnight, but it happened. My son was originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Integration Disorder when he was 3, then ADHD when he was 4/5, Anxiety- NOS when he was about 7, and finally Aspergers when he was 11. He's 12 now. I think Aspergers is the true and only diagnosis though. Possibly anxiety, but I know kids with Aspergers are prone to anxiety so I'm not so sure it's a separate diagnosis. I've NEVER focused on the diagnosis though. I've focused on the behaviors. And I had to give Dylan a few more warnings than I do my daughter but that was because he had to settle down and lock in to what was happening and usually that

would take a little extra time. I compare it to opening the CD case before you press "Stop". When you open the case, the CD is still spinning but eventually it will stop on its own. That's what I did when disciplining my son. I'd give him extra warnings so he could fully realize what he was doing and consider the consequences (it wasn't a quick thing) and then when I could tell he was aware of what was happening, if he didn't stop, he was in a timeout. Now that he's older, he only gets one warning.

I hate when I see on this site how people are resolved to having kids with inappropriate behavior and it seems like people just accept it or walk around on eggshells to not disrupt their child or provoke a problem. That's not going to make anything better...I know, I used to do the same thing. But then you are like in a prison in your own home. I often sit here, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, you can take control and make things better in your home! You really can! Doesn't mean the Aspergers goes away, of course it doesn't. Dylan still has issues, but they don't involve him calling me names or sleeping until noon or playing games all day long. And he is on zero medication in the summers, weekends, evenings, holidays. Only takes the Daytrana patch for focus when he's in school (lowest dosage). I don't see how, as a group, we

can act like this type of behavior is just a symptom of having Aspergers because it's NOT. I feel a responsibility to the people who read these posts who are new or just don't feel like being public to say it DOESN'T have to be this way. You DON'T have to accept things the way they are. We had years of tough times. Dylan still has trouble w/ social relationships and for those of you following along, we had some tough times the second part of 6th grade earlier this year. But I don't want any person reading this to throw in the towel and think "I guess this is just how it has to be" because it doesn't.

Not saying what works for us will work for everyone, but I want to give people hope, put back some power in their hearts and minds, and maybe boost their confidence to make some changes that could completely alter the household. Feeling like you are at the mercy of your child's mood or Aspergers diagnosis is no way to live. We really turned a corner in the 4th grade. It can happen.

Re: ( ) In the middle of a meltdown

> Make it stop....today.Gee, I wish it were that easy. I guess that is how you know abehavior isn't voluntary, that is, when you do something like yousuggest and it makes no change in the behaviors. What is your child'sdx? I'm surprised you can get typical rewards/punishments to work,since they don't for most AS kids. Not that you can't applyboundaries. What works for us is--you can't do/have A until you do B.A is a natural "reward", but it isn't a choice. There is a subtledifference there. That and simply holding their hand through things,getting them "used" to doing things, ignoring the outbursts, beingencouraging and remaining calm and matter of fact all the while. Idon't know why some AS kids are more prone to

outbursts/meltdowns thanothers, but it isn't as simple as laying down the law. That in factcan be very counterproductive, at the very least, not effective.Ruth