Re: Married to an aspie

[Guest guest]

Lindsey,

I can't recall the book I read last year. If I remember the title, I'll let you know. But I do belong to a group called, wivesofaspies, and they might have some ideas help for you.

-Melinda

[Guest guest]

As the Aspie parent, I can tell you a few tips.

**********Learn to read the signs. ********* Aspies should not have to beg for the support they need. WE NEED SPACE. If you see him going into a funk, don't be cute and say, "can I get you something? a soup?" he may feel the urge to smack you. He needs space. let him be. Every time you even LOOK in his direction, he will need to double the time he needs alone.

Makes sense?

BestMomBrooklyn!*******"It doesn't matter what the label is, it matters what you do with it!"

[Guest guest]

The best thing I've found is actually a list of rules for conflict

resolution. It's called Dear Man. I've been married 21 years and I

found this thing LAST YEAR. It has been the best thing so far, for my

marriage. Here is a link to a PDF.

http://www.learningconnections.org/going_home/docs/dear_man_0908.pdf

It sounds stupid, I know, but it just helps you think about exactly

what it is you are trying to say and how you want to say it. It helps

you think and helps you be more concrete.

I usually put the description and my feelings in the first sentence.

when you came home late I felt worried or I was worried. When you

describe an emotion make sure it IS an emotion. I coach my husband in

using this as well. He used to say, " I feel " in front of pretty much

any statement and thought that made it okay. " I feel you don't do

enough work around here. " Isn't okay. " I feel sad. I feel happy. I

feel angry. " Saying it this way is the least threatening and most

easily understood. Then when ASK for what you want in the next part

but be very simple and concrete. " I want you to call me next time

you're going to be late. " The next part is to Reinforce what you've

said. You can talk about the positive and negative things associated

with their choices. " If you call me I'll be happier and more

affectionate when you get home. " or " If you call me we won't have to

have this conversation again. " I find that this particular statement

is very effective with my husband. He hates having the same

conversations over and over about a thing. It is motivating for him.

The negative consequence is that you'd have the conversation again or

you'd feel angry again or upset or whatever you think the consequence

will be. Then the ball is in their court. If they make the choice you

do not prefer you have exactly the same conversation again in the same

way.

I sometimes coach my husband in doing the same thing. I say, " Hang

on, can you describe exactly what the problem is? " This is VERY hard

for me to do because I have to pull back my own emotions for a bit BUT

the results can be so staggeringly beautiful! LOL. It often ends with

me understanding my husband and him hugging me because he knows I

really do get it and that I WANT to get it. Then when it comes up

again and you use the same language again this positive feeling keeps

coming back up. " Oh yeah, we did this last time when I was upset! "

Anyway, the rest of this is at the link, but the first 4 will get so a

LONG way. You'll feel better and so will your spouse. You can start

to teach this to your kids. It is used with asperger people to help

THEM know how to ask for things.

Seriously, my husband and I are in the best place we've been EVER right

now. Lots of counseling helped but I really believe DEAR MAN has been

the most effective thing for communicating with my husband. Big global

statements don't get anyone anywhere. " I need emotional support " is a

statement nobody REALLY gets because everyone's definition of emotional

support is different. Aspie's define support in terms of tasks, at

least my husband does. So if I want support I ask for very specific

concrete things. " Can you hug me now? " Oh and if you can make a

positive statement of what exactly you want it is better than a

negative one. So for me a real life example is that for YEARS my

husband always brought home TONS of junk food. I was gaining weight

and it is very hard for me not to eat those things. Then this year I

figured out that if I had healthy choices around that I really do like

then I can resist the junk. So instead of saying, " Don't bring home so

much junk food. " I say, " Can you please bring me some grapes? "

It may seem rather silly, but it's just so short and simple and doesn't

involve a lot of reading or learning. You DO have to practice it.

Practice it at times when you're not upset. Practice it with the

kids. It has helped me to stop and THINK before I try to work on a

problem. It is becoming more natural for me to do this now. About 2

weeks ago my husband came in the door and started yelling about all the

lights in the house being on and I just said, " Um, could you try again

and say something positive? " It was enough. He said something more

pleasant and then I told him that all the lights were on because we'd

been looking for some little teeny beads Rayleigh had dropped all over

the floor and that they hadn't been on for long but I'd turn them off

in a few minutes. I always try to make sure my voice is calm and

pleasant. Of course I'm NOT always successful or on the ball and

sometimes I'm a screaming maniac partly thanks to hormones. I'm not a

patient person in my own opinion, though other people tell me I've VERY

patient. I don't know. But I do have ADD so having these

conversations is hard. I tend to interrupt or only think of my own

side of things. Dear Man helps me stay focused.

As a side note, ADD people often end up with Asperger men. It is hard

but there are things about it that just work. Somehow women with ADD

get things that asperger people don't and asperger people really are

good at stuff that eludes a lot of ADD people. I am disorganized and

procrastinate. My husband is organized and gets things done more

efficiently than I do. I am more sensitive to other people than he

is. According to my counselor there is a kind of mom sense that is

very pronounced in ADD women. It's an ability to hear and listen to

sound clues and make sense of human sounds at a distance. For example,

one day I was busy working on something and I saw my daughter walk past

me with a spool of thread. She was 4. The thread registered somehow

with me because 20 minutes later I heard a scream from upstairs on the

other side of the house (we had 3800 Square feet back then because we

were in TEXAS and houses are cheap there compared to where we are

now). When I heard the scream I said, " Mark, get me the scissors,

Rayleigh has thread wrapped around her neck. " HOW DID I KNOW THAT. I

was in a room and couldn't see any other part of the house and she was

in her room. But my head retained the information and put it together

with a very scary " I am in a really scary dangerous situation " scream.

I ran up the stairs and sure enough she had it wrapped repeatedly and

very tightly around her neck and was pulling it and in danger of

cutting her neck. Getting it off was terrible because she was

thrashing around and I had to use the scissors! I had to hang on and

keep telling her to be calm. Eventually we got the thing off but it

was scary. If I hadn't been so sensitive to this I just hate to think

of what might have happened.

So, having said this, I think marriages to asperger people can work

really really well once you get the hang of it. Unfortunately, I'm

still trying and don't always get it right. But it's much easier now.

Some of the positives for me are that my husband is predictable in some

important behavior. Things like him always wanting to be at home with

his family. Cheating not being in his programming (I have always felt

this way about him and I've even had one counselor say it to me). He

is very willing to try and really WANTS our marriage to work.

I can't recommend counseling enough. It's hard to start it if you

haven't ever brought it up. I was in counseling for ME long before

Mark and I ever dated. I knew him for ages before that but he didn't

know about the counseling until we dated. Anyway, when we started

talking marriage I told him I wanted us to do premarital counseling. I

was working at a community college so counseling was totally cost

free. It was an intro for him that was completely non threatening and

happening at a time when nobody was upset. We did fun things like take

a personality test. It set a precedent. Which is what I told him I

wanted to do. I told him that counseling should be a resource for us

and that people take better care of their cars than they do their

relationships. We have a mechanic and we have a counselor. LOL.

I would suggest that introducing counseling at this point would be

easier if you said, " I feel sad and I want to get some counseling for

myself " . Then do it. Then ask the counselor if you can bring your

husband for a session or two. Tell your spouse that you just want him

to go with you because you feel it will help you. It will slowly

introduce him to the idea without him feeling put on the spot or

threatened as much as he might otherwise. My husband saw the positive

effects counseling had on me before we ever went to a session

together. Eventually, you can ask your counselor to recommend someone

for you both to see and ask your counselor to help you bring it up to

your husband maybe in one of the sessions he attends. Even if you

don't feel you need it, this will help you respond appropriately to

your spouse in effective ways. It will just reinforce the dear man

stuff. Personally, I LOVE counseling. I can talk about whatever I

want to and complain and cry and be as angry as I need to be and always

feel supported.

Finding a good counselor is important. I had one who insisted I should

be divorced when I really didn't WANT that! UGH.

Feel free to ask me anything about the stuff I've said. Keep in mind

not everything works for all people, this is all just what I feel has

worked for me.

Miriam

>

> I know many of you are married to aspies so I thought this would be a

good place to ask...is there a book you've read that has helped you

stay in your marriage? I don't mean that I'm not planning on staying in

my marriage, I just mean that I read so many books on how to parent

better and communicate with my child better, but I think I need those

same kinds of books to help me deal with my husband as well!

>

[Guest guest]

That wouldn't work well with my husband. He WANTS me to say

something. Also, it is very hard for us to tell what someone needs if

they don't say so. We can't read minds. We do our best but we just

can't always get it right. Having said that, I do think I've figured

out a lot about my husband and he seems quite happy so I must be doing

something right.

Miriam

>

> As the Aspie parent, I can tell you a few tips.

>

> **********Learn to read the signs. ********* Aspies should not have

to beg for the support they need. WE NEED SPACE. If you see him going

into a funk, don't be cute and say, " can I get you something? a soup? "

he may feel the urge to smack you. He needs space. let him be. Every

time you even LOOK in his direction, he will need to double the time he

needs alone.

>

> Makes sense?

>

> BestMomBrooklyn!*******

> " It doesn't matter what the label is, it matters what you do with it! "

>

[Guest guest]

Gotcha!! Thank you!!!

From: BestMomBrooklyn! <bestmombrooklyn@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Married to an aspie Date: Monday, February 16, 2009, 4:40 PM

As the Aspie parent, I can tell you a few tips.

**********Learn to read the signs. ********* Aspies should not have to beg for the support they need. WE NEED SPACE. If you see him going into a funk, don't be cute and say, "can I get you something? a soup?" he may feel the urge to smack you. He needs space. let him be. Every time you even LOOK in his direction, he will need to double the time he needs alone.

Makes sense?

BestMomBrooklyn! *******"It doesn't matter what the label is, it matters what you do with it!"

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much. I just printed it out to keep it on hand! This is just what I need. To have a way to communicate without sounding like a nag or blowing it into a fight.

From: Miriam <callis4773@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Married to an aspie Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 4:33 AM

The best thing I've found is actually a list of rules for conflict resolution. It's called Dear Man. I've been married 21 years and I found this thing LAST YEAR. It has been the best thing so far, for my marriage. Here is a link to a PDF. http://www.learning connections. org/going_ home/docs/ dear_man_ 0908.pdfIt sounds stupid, I know, but it just helps you think about exactly what it is you are trying to say and how you want to say it. It helps you think and helps you be more concrete.I usually put the description and my feelings in the first sentence. when you came home late I felt worried or I was worried. When you describe an emotion make sure it IS an emotion. I coach my husband in using this as well. He used to say, "I feel" in front of pretty much any statement and thought that

made it okay. "I feel you don't do enough work around here." Isn't okay. "I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel angry." Saying it this way is the least threatening and most easily understood. Then when ASK for what you want in the next part but be very simple and concrete. "I want you to call me next time you're going to be late." The next part is to Reinforce what you've said. You can talk about the positive and negative things associated with their choices. "If you call me I'll be happier and more affectionate when you get home." or "If you call me we won't have to have this conversation again." I find that this particular statement is very effective with my husband. He hates having the same conversations over and over about a thing. It is motivating for him. The negative consequence is that you'd have the conversation again or you'd feel angry again or upset or whatever you think the consequence will

be. Then the ball is in their court. If they make the choice you do not prefer you have exactly the same conversation again in the same way.I sometimes coach my husband in doing the same thing. I say, "Hang on, can you describe exactly what the problem is?" This is VERY hard for me to do because I have to pull back my own emotions for a bit BUT the results can be so staggeringly beautiful! LOL. It often ends with me understanding my husband and him hugging me because he knows I really do get it and that I WANT to get it. Then when it comes up again and you use the same language again this positive feeling keeps coming back up. "Oh yeah, we did this last time when I was upset!"Anyway, the rest of this is at the link, but the first 4 will get so a LONG way. You'll feel better and so will your spouse. You can start to teach this to your kids. It is used with asperger people to help THEM know

how to ask for things.Seriously, my husband and I are in the best place we've been EVER right now. Lots of counseling helped but I really believe DEAR MAN has been the most effective thing for communicating with my husband. Big global statements don't get anyone anywhere. "I need emotional support" is a statement nobody REALLY gets because everyone's definition of emotional support is different. Aspie's define support in terms of tasks, at least my husband does. So if I want support I ask for very specific concrete things. "Can you hug me now?" Oh and if you can make a positive statement of what exactly you want it is better than a negative one. So for me a real life example is that for YEARS my husband always brought home TONS of junk food. I was gaining weight and it is very hard for me not to eat those things. Then this year I figured out that if I had healthy choices around that I really do

like then I can resist the junk. So instead of saying, "Don't bring home so much junk food." I say, "Can you please bring me some grapes?"It may seem rather silly, but it's just so short and simple and doesn't involve a lot of reading or learning. You DO have to practice it. Practice it at times when you're not upset. Practice it with the kids. It has helped me to stop and THINK before I try to work on a problem. It is becoming more natural for me to do this now. About 2 weeks ago my husband came in the door and started yelling about all the lights in the house being on and I just said, "Um, could you try again and say something positive?" It was enough. He said something more pleasant and then I told him that all the lights were on because we'd been looking for some little teeny beads Rayleigh had dropped all over the floor and that they hadn't been on for long but I'd turn them off in a few

minutes. I always try to make sure my voice is calm and pleasant. Of course I'm NOT always successful or on the ball and sometimes I'm a screaming maniac partly thanks to hormones. I'm not a patient person in my own opinion, though other people tell me I've VERY patient. I don't know. But I do have ADD so having these conversations is hard. I tend to interrupt or only think of my own side of things. Dear Man helps me stay focused.As a side note, ADD people often end up with Asperger men. It is hard but there are things about it that just work. Somehow women with ADD get things that asperger people don't and asperger people really are good at stuff that eludes a lot of ADD people. I am disorganized and procrastinate. My husband is organized and gets things done more efficiently than I do. I am more sensitive to other people than he is. According to my counselor there is a kind of mom sense that is

very pronounced in ADD women. It's an ability to hear and listen to sound clues and make sense of human sounds at a distance. For example, one day I was busy working on something and I saw my daughter walk past me with a spool of thread. She was 4. The thread registered somehow with me because 20 minutes later I heard a scream from upstairs on the other side of the house (we had 3800 Square feet back then because we were in TEXAS and houses are cheap there compared to where we are now). When I heard the scream I said, "Mark, get me the scissors, Rayleigh has thread wrapped around her neck." HOW DID I KNOW THAT. I was in a room and couldn't see any other part of the house and she was in her room. But my head retained the information and put it together with a very scary "I am in a really scary dangerous situation" scream. I ran up the stairs and sure enough she had it wrapped repeatedly and very

tightly around her neck and was pulling it and in danger of cutting her neck. Getting it off was terrible because she was thrashing around and I had to use the scissors! I had to hang on and keep telling her to be calm. Eventually we got the thing off but it was scary. If I hadn't been so sensitive to this I just hate to think of what might have happened.So, having said this, I think marriages to asperger people can work really really well once you get the hang of it. Unfortunately, I'm still trying and don't always get it right. But it's much easier now. Some of the positives for me are that my husband is predictable in some important behavior. Things like him always wanting to be at home with his family. Cheating not being in his programming (I have always felt this way about him and I've even had one counselor say it to me). He is very willing to try and really WANTS our marriage to

work.I can't recommend counseling enough. It's hard to start it if you haven't ever brought it up. I was in counseling for ME long before Mark and I ever dated. I knew him for ages before that but he didn't know about the counseling until we dated. Anyway, when we started talking marriage I told him I wanted us to do premarital counseling. I was working at a community college so counseling was totally cost free. It was an intro for him that was completely non threatening and happening at a time when nobody was upset. We did fun things like take a personality test. It set a precedent. Which is what I told him I wanted to do. I told him that counseling should be a resource for us and that people take better care of their cars than they do their relationships. We have a mechanic and we have a counselor. LOL. I would suggest that introducing counseling at this point would be easier if you said,

"I feel sad and I want to get some counseling for myself". Then do it. Then ask the counselor if you can bring your husband for a session or two. Tell your spouse that you just want him to go with you because you feel it will help you. It will slowly introduce him to the idea without him feeling put on the spot or threatened as much as he might otherwise. My husband saw the positive effects counseling had on me before we ever went to a session together. Eventually, you can ask your counselor to recommend someone for you both to see and ask your counselor to help you bring it up to your husband maybe in one of the sessions he attends. Even if you don't feel you need it, this will help you respond appropriately to your spouse in effective ways. It will just reinforce the dear man stuff. Personally, I LOVE counseling. I can talk about whatever I want to and complain and cry and be as angry as I need to be

and always feel supported.Finding a good counselor is important. I had one who insisted I should be divorced when I really didn't WANT that! UGH.Feel free to ask me anything about the stuff I've said. Keep in mind not everything works for all people, this is all just what I feel has worked for me.Miriam>> I know many of you are married to aspies so I thought this would be a good place to ask...is there a book you've read that has helped you stay in your marriage? I don't mean that I'm not planning on staying in my marriage, I just mean that I read so many books on how to parent better and communicate with my child better, but I think I need those same kinds of books to help me deal with my husband as

well!>