Re: How do I start this teacher relationship...

[Guest guest]

Ruth, does your son have Executive Dysfunction? Do you have that information

in the nueropsych report?

Vickie

>

> OK, all. I have pasted in a reply I just got to my FYI that my son is going

back to his " old " agenda since " new " one 504 coord set up is not being used by

either teachers or son. NOW, this is where I usually screw up, I think. How do

I respond to this e-mail without alienating the guy? If I just let his thought

that my son just needs to take ownership of his problems go, then the real

problems will never be worked on. Anyway, here is the e-mail (short), and I'll

add more comments after it.

>

> " Hello Mrs. -----..I have been asking ----- to please remember to use his

agenda and from what I have seen he tells me what I want to hear but is not

following through on his promise..He did make the comment that he does not like

the new set up and prefers the old style better. At the end of the day it comes

down to ----- taking ownership of the situation and doing the responsible thing

which is to take down his daily classroom objectives..He has a couple of great

parents and good teachers that keep reinforcing the importance jotting down

daily tasks..I will say he does look pretty organized in the traditional sense

though, better than most I have seen..Take care and feel free to call or email

when ever you need!! "

>

> So, my impulse when I get an e-mail like this from a teacher, which I always

do with every teacher when I first start working with them, is to try to explain

the disabilities causing this behavior. I try to get them to understand that

there is a lot more to this behavior than meets the eye, much of it to do with

disabilities for whom strategies can be worked on. All my son's evaluations

discuss this and give recommendations for interventions too. So far, and my son

is 14, I've never really had a teacher be able to wrap their brains around this.

Instead, they think I am making excuses up for my son, am letting myself be

taken for a ride, etc. They really don't know anything about Asperger, so I

can't figure out how to talk to them.

>

> The problems my son is actually having are generalizing (teachers don't

understand they need to repeat things or may need to re-explain when their are

slight differences), picking out the details to write down (doesn't know how to

tell what info he will need after he gets home--thinks if he remembers it NOW,

he will remember it LATER--isn't in tune with his working memory/executive

dysfunction issues), need for atypical hand-holding on account of emotional

control delays, just to name some problems that really stick out. There are

language things--people using conditional language when they need to simply tell

him " do this " --people aren't explicit enough and he takes things the wrong way,

e.g. they'll assume he figures he should do something without being told, which

he doesn't, and instead he figures since they didn't say anything that " they

don't care " and he doesn't have to do " it " . Gee, does this sound familiar LOL.

>

> So, should I just let this e-mail go, try again--maybe keeping it shorter than

I normally would, or does someone have a different idea?

>

>

> Help!

>

> Ruth

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Ruth, does your son have Executive Dysfunction? Do you have that information

in the nueropsych report?

Yes, trust me, they have all the evaluations and accompanying info anyone could

want. But there doesn't appear to be anyone involved who is capable of

understanding the evaluations or, if so, willing to take the time to digest them

and figure out what to do in their particular case. They don't understand what

I want because they don't understand my son even HAS disabilities.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out their frame of mind so I in turn can figure out

how to build from that point.

I'm getting way off from my original questions though--how to handle this

particular teacher who has been nice enough to invite me to talk to him but

nevertheless doesn't seem to understand my son's problems. I'm trying to figure

out how to give needed information without seeming like I'm telling him he

doesn't know his job, telling him how to do his job, or just a nutcase since he

is not familiar with AS and AS maybe kind of seems that way to peole who haven't

seen it for themselves.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Hi Ruth,

I did have a crazy reason for my question. The thing that jumped out at me when

reading your question was this:

At the end of the day it comes down to ----- taking ownership of the situation

and doing the responsible thing which is to take down his daily classroom

objectives.

To which my initial thought was: Well yes, it does come down to that and if

Ruth's son is like mine he is simply not capable of doing that.

I found a really good link about Executive Dysfunction that deals specifically

with the issues that come up in education. I have the link here:

http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/EFD.htm

Anyhoo, to answer your question the way that I would respond to this would be to

either call or email something like: (I prefer to call because it is less likely

to be misinterpreted but my son is still in elementary and his teachers are very

easy to get ahold of. Your situation might be different)

Thank you for emailing me about (DS). I understand exactly what you mean about

him telling you what he thinks you want to hear but not following through. This

is a classic example of his (Aspergers?). You are correct that when you strip

everything else away (DS) does not take ownership and responsibility for his

daily classroom objectives. This is because he is not able to do so. If he

could do this he would have no need for a 504 plan. I would love to work with

you more to come up with some ideas of how we can work on this with (DS).

It is not uncommon for (DS) to not adjust well to change and that is likely the

reason why he prefers the old agenda to the new one. The new plan was put in

place because (give reasons for change from old to new).

So, obviously I am making some assumptions here without knowing all the details

but this is the gist of how I would approach the response to the email.

Vickie

[Guest guest]

>

> I found a really good link about Executive Dysfunction that deals specifically

with the issues that come up in education. I have the link here:

>

> http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/EFD.htm

>

I will check this out--thanks (work firewall is blocking it for now)!

> Thank you for emailing me about (DS). I understand exactly what you mean

about him telling you what he thinks you want to hear but not following through.

This is a classic example of his (Aspergers?). You are correct that when you

strip everything else away (DS) does not take ownership and responsibility for

his daily classroom objectives. This is because he is not able to do so. If he

could do this he would have no need for a 504 plan. I would love to work with

you more to come up with some ideas of how we can work on this with (DS).

>

> It is not uncommon for (DS) to not adjust well to change and that is likely

the reason why he prefers the old agenda to the new one. The new plan was put

in place because (give reasons for change from old to new).

I really like this, Vicky. I guess what is holding me back is that, going on

experience with all of his other teachers over the years, thi one is probably

not buying the " not able to do " and probably has no desire to work " with " me on

anything. So, I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling really stupid to keep

asking.

But, I guess if I don't want to give up, which I don't, I need to just do it and

see what happens, right? I think I'm way over-thinking this because of my

anxiety and my dread of playing it by ear since I'm expecting rejection.

OK, thanks.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Maybe the compromise is not that your son is "not able to do it" but instead needs "a, b, and c" to help him be more successful? Maybe the switch in wording will help the teachers not react in a negative way right off the bat? Now, what "successful" looks like to you vs. what it looks like to them and how you go about achieving it is probably the hardest part here. With Dylan's teachers, I praise what they are doing right and stay in the mix of the situation without assigning blame on either my son or the teacher. I just keep it to the facts as I know them as much as possible "Dylan didn't turn in his assignment because he forgot. We made a note in his agenda to remind him to turn it in but he overlooked it. Could you please help him remember to turn it in tomorrow?" This approach works with most of his teachers.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...> Sent: Thursday, April 2, 2009 3:16:40 PMSubject: ( ) Re: How do I start this teacher relationship...

>> I found a really good link about Executive Dysfunction that deals specifically with the issues that come up in education. I have the link here:> > http://home. comcast.net/ ~kskkight/ EFD.htm> I will check this out--thanks (work firewall is blocking it for now)!> Thank you for emailing me about (DS). I understand exactly what you mean about him telling you what he thinks you want to hear but not following through. This is a classic example of his (Aspergers?) . You are correct that when you strip everything else away (DS) does not take ownership and responsibility for his daily classroom

objectives. This is because he is not able to do so. If he could do this he would have no need for a 504 plan. I would love to work with you more to come up with some ideas of how we can work on this with (DS).> > It is not uncommon for (DS) to not adjust well to change and that is likely the reason why he prefers the old agenda to the new one. The new plan was put in place because (give reasons for change from old to new).I really like this, Vicky. I guess what is holding me back is that, going on experience with all of his other teachers over the years, thi one is probably not buying the "not able to do" and probably has no desire to work "with" me on anything. So, I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling really stupid to keep asking.But, I guess if I don't want to give up, which I don't, I need to just do it and see what happens, right? I think I'm way over-thinking this because of my anxiety and my dread of playing

it by ear since I'm expecting rejection.OK, thanks.Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> Maybe the compromise is not that your son is " not able to do it " but instead

needs " a, b, and c " to help him be more successful? 

Actually, I usually do focus more on, or as much, on what needs to happen as the

underlying disability. I do think I need to work on short and sweet and maybe

not even worrying about trying to explain anything. I realy don't think they

are interested; they just want to know what they have to do.

>  We made a note in his agenda to remind him to turn it in but he overlooked

it.  Could you please help him remember to turn it in tomorrow? "   This approach

works with most of his teachers.

Not with these teachers! Not even when he was younger.

I appreciate the thought.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Just say, "This is a common problem for people with AS (executive dysfunction, communication disorders or whatever fits best...)" I always start, "Autism is a communication disability...this is a common problem for people with autism..." and then I go on to explain why. I don't feel it is telling them how to teach so much as sharing information about a disability. You can tell them a few ways of handling the situation if you have ideas. Consider that you are collaborating. You are not just sitting there with no idea in your head. Mothers know things! We have good experience that can help people teach our kids. So do not worry that you are stepping on toes. If they act upset or injured, it is entirely their personal problem. Yes, you can say, "But it is then my problem too!" Yes, it is. Because you do have to deal with them. But again, keep that professional friendly tone at all times, even when they make it hard. THAT is being nice.

One thing you can be sure of, YOU are the expert. So speak up! You are sharing what this disability means to these teachers. This is important to do! Over time, I've had more people nodding along and saying, "Yes, that's right...I had a student last year who....blah blah blah." In the beginning, people would just stare at me like, "Who is she? And why is she telling US what autism means?" Shrug and move on. Repeat. Repeat often. It's great to want to be nice to this teacher but I think you already are being nice. Telling him he's got it wrong is going to be a blow to his "self esteem" maybe? But he'll survive. And he might learn something along the way. Nobody knows everything and you know more about this than he does. So you need to share the wealth! You will notice if the teacher is wanting to learn or actively dismissing you and react accordingly. But do not diminish who you are in this - the expert. You know more about the manifestation of his disability than they do. You understand it. You have to advocate for him and explain it to them. It's just part of our job description. Go Ruth! ::::Putting down my pompons:::

Roxanna

The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Reagan

( ) Re: How do I start this teacher relationship...

>> Ruth, does your son have Executive Dysfunction? Do you have that information in the nueropsych report?Yes, trust me, they have all the evaluations and accompanying info anyone could want. But there doesn't appear to be anyone involved who is capable of understanding the evaluations or, if so, willing to take the time to digest them and figure out what to do in their particular case. They don't understand what I want because they don't understand my son even HAS disabilities.Anyway, I'm trying to figure out their frame of mind so I in turn can figure out how to build from that point.I'm getting way off from my original questions though--how to handle this particular teacher who has been nice enough to invite me to talk to him but nevertheless doesn't seem to understand my son's problems. I'm trying to figure out how to give needed information without seeming like I'm telling him he doesn't know his job, telling him how to do his job, or just a nutcase since he is not familiar with AS and AS maybe kind of seems that way to peole who haven't seen it for themselves.Ruth

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[Guest guest]

>

> ... You understand it. You have to advocate for him and explain it to them.

It's just part of our job description. Go Ruth! ::::Putting down my pompons:::

LOL, thanks Roxanna. This reminds me of how in every meeting, at least once,

when I am explaining things, I get this complete silence and jaws, literally,

dropping to the floor. It always catches me off guard. This last meeting it

was about generalizing. The lone teacher at the 504 meeting spoke up and said

she was very concerned how my son just sat and did nothing regarding their

ongoing things they do every day, that that was very concerning at his age. So,

I spoke up and told her about how he doesn't generalize and bring forward

ongoing rules and instructions so it needs to be repeated every day. This

apparently stunned her. She was speechless. Which means, of course, that we

didn't get to discuss it. Another thing I need to get back to. I'm always

caught off guard by this stuff though. It makes me realize how used to

un-normal I've gotten, I guess. You're explanation is more positive--I AM

AN EXPERT LOL!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

I wonder that a lot too - how much we've gotten used to vs. what life is life for, oh, say, the "normal" people. Sometimes I am really jealous of them and other times, I pity them that they live such sheltered lives. I guess perspective is everything.

One time I had to fill out a form for one of the kids who was about to be evaluated. The form is stupid, IMO, because it doesn't ask the important questions but rather, asks things like, "How many hours per day does your child watch tv." I don't know, it's my own personal thinking but I just get annoyed that people even hint that watching too much tv causes LD's or even autism. And I see that this is their intention. Maybe it's not. lol. But so I was filling it out and it asked what language(s) we spoke in the home. I wrote down, "English" and "Autism". Well, it was so true and our idea of "normal" is really a bit out of whack. I just had to fill out this same form again (yeah, nobody has bothered to change it in all these years, kind of says a lot right there) and the questions are like, "Does your child (whatever) more than the typical child?" Well, how would I know? lol. I have to answer based on what I dream a typical child would be doing. lol.

Roxanna

The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Reagan

( ) Re: How do I start this teacher relationship...

>> ... You understand it. You have to advocate for him and explain it to them. It's just part of our job description. Go Ruth! ::::Putting down my pompons:::LOL, thanks Roxanna. This reminds me of how in every meeting, at least once, when I am explaining things, I get this complete silence and jaws, literally, dropping to the floor. It always catches me off guard. This last meeting it was about generalizing. The lone teacher at the 504 meeting spoke up and said she was very concerned how my son just sat and did nothing regarding their ongoing things they do every day, that that was very concerning at his age. So, I spoke up and told her about how he doesn't generalize and bring forward ongoing rules and instructions so it needs to be repeated every day. This apparently stunned her. She was speechless. Which means, of course, that we didn't get to discuss it. Another thing I need to get back to. I'm always caught off guard by this stuff though. It makes me realize how used to un-normal I've gotten, I guess. You're explanation is more positive--I AM AN EXPERT LOL!Ruth

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