Re: looking for hints for a (yikes) drop off play/movie date

April 3, 2009

Hi

I'd stay there and chat with the mom while they were watching the movie. Just visit.

Also,,,when I dropped them off, I'd let them know it all.

How he is, what can happen in certain/any situation and what to do/not to do. Then, say that that's why you'd love to stay. Just in case, since this is the first time.

Don't let that, or any other idiot make that comment again about spanking......he he. One of the biggest regrets I've had when looking "back" over our journey is when I let idiots say what THEY felt, but I kept my mouth shut. I'd never do it again.Good luck and I hope they have a super time!!! (I bet they will). Maybe they could bring a 2-ltr of soda and a bag or 2 of popcorn?

Let us know how it goes!!

Robin

From: melody7744 <melody7744@...>Subject: ( ) looking for hints for a (yikes) drop off play/movie date Date: Thursday, April 2, 2009, 8:57 PM

hi all -- I have an 8 year old aspie and a 6 year old nt -- both boys. Well, dh came home from work today and was all happy -- telling me his friend (who has a boy, 11, and a girl 6) wants to invite our boys over for a night of star wars movies --tomorrow night. My first reaction was -- no way--but my husband is all "he is 8 -- it is time--it's no big deal" My sons basic problems are meltdowns, misperceiving why people do what they do (I know,I knoe that is basic aspergers), refusing to stop a behaviour when told to "STOP!", and just plain old being nice to someone one minute and downright jerky to them the next. The wife is nice but the husband..... means well but is a spanker -- he actually told my jusband when my husband was explaining about our son :"why don't you just spank him?" I am going to let them go but I am just sick over it -- I feel he is old enough and I should start letting things like this happen and I don't want to be

overprotective. ....but what should I do to prepare me and him for tomorrow night? Sorry for the rambling and incoherence -- I am a bit stressed.... .any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.Melody

April 3, 2009

>

> hi all -- I have an 8 year old aspie and a 6 year old nt -- both boys. Well,

dh came home from work today and was all happy -- telling me his friend (who has

a boy, 11, and a girl 6) wants to invite our boys over for a night of star wars

movies --tomorrow night.

I was always very picky and didn't let my son go to sleepovers unless I knew the

parents well enough and was completely comfortable that they would deal with his

ideosyncrasies and not add to my son's bad memories and not push back his

progress. In any case, if these kids have never met and you've never been

together with the kids and parents, this is moving a little fast. I like the

idea of staying yourself and turning it into a more family thing. If he has

meltdowns that would be incredibly inconsiderate not to give them a heads up and

make sure they are up for it. I would ask your husband to get the wife's phone

number and call her up and talk. Just my two cents.

Ruth

April 3, 2009

Robin

Thanks for the advice and good wishes....I am calming down about it a bit -- of

course it is helping that is a rainy day and they are driving me CRAZY today --

ha ha.

I will post what happens.

Melody

>

> Hi

> I'd stay there and chat with the mom while they were watching the movie. Just

visit.

> Also,,,when I dropped them off, I'd let them know it all.

> How he is, what can happen in certain/any situation and what to do/not to do.

Then, say that that's why you'd love to stay. Just in case, since this is the

first time.

> Don't let that, or any other idiot make that comment again about

spanking......he he. One of the biggest regrets I've had when looking " back "

over our journey is when I let idiots say what THEY felt, but I kept my mouth

shut. I'd never do it again.

> Good luck and I hope they have a super time!!! (I bet they will). Maybe they

could bring a 2-ltr of soda and a bag or 2 of popcorn?

> Let us know how it goes!!

> Robin

>

April 3, 2009

Ruth

Thanks for your ideas -- that is a good one to talk on the phone to his wife --

no distractions that way (btw you and she have the same name!) It's not a

sleepover -- I would be a wreck if it were -- just a few hours. The kids have

played together on 3 other occassions - once at our house and twice outside.

One thing I just thought of is my son tends to think nothing is off limits as

far as wandering.....He has zipped into houses when trick or treating, rifles

through picnic baskets that aren't ours -- and gone into any/all rooms when we

are visiting....I am always there to stop him..which leads me to wonder more

about tonite.....maybe a scoial story would help...

Melody

>

> >

> > hi all -- I have an 8 year old aspie and a 6 year old nt -- both boys.

Well, dh came home from work today and was all happy -- telling me his friend

(who has a boy, 11, and a girl 6) wants to invite our boys over for a night of

star wars movies --tomorrow night.

>

> I was always very picky and didn't let my son go to sleepovers unless I knew

the parents well enough and was completely comfortable that they would deal with

his ideosyncrasies and not add to my son's bad memories and not push back his

progress. In any case, if these kids have never met and you've never been

together with the kids and parents, this is moving a little fast. I like the

idea of staying yourself and turning it into a more family thing. If he has

meltdowns that would be incredibly inconsiderate not to give them a heads up and

make sure they are up for it. I would ask your husband to get the wife's phone

number and call her up and talk. Just my two cents.

>

> Ruth

>

April 3, 2009

I can understand your worry. I have the best in-laws in the world and I mean

that from the bottom of my heart. They love my children unconditionally

including my 10 year old AS son and he loves going to visit them. But my Father

in law is somewhat old school in the discipline department and will yell at the

kids if they are misbehaving. On occasion this has resulted in excalating my

sons behavior and triggering a meltdown. Now that s is getting older the

meltdowns are progressing from screamming and crying temper tantrums to swearing

and trying to destroy things.

Needless to say we work hard to keep things happy while we are there.

Ultimately if your DH's friend triggers a meltdown with his disciplinary

technique your DH will have to deal with it. Let him work it out. It is his

friend. It won't take much before your DH will start to resent his friends

techniques if he is left to deal with the resulting meltdown. He will then

either stop the friend from interfering or stop taking DS to visit.

Sometimes you have to just let the situation play out.

Vickie

>

> hi all -- I have an 8 year old aspie and a 6 year old nt -- both boys. Well,

dh came home from work today and was all happy -- telling me his friend (who has

a boy, 11, and a girl 6) wants to invite our boys over for a night of star wars

movies --tomorrow night. My first reaction was -- no way--but my husband is all

" he is 8 -- it is time--it's no big deal " My sons basic problems are meltdowns,

misperceiving why people do what they do (I know,I knoe that is basic

aspergers), refusing to stop a behaviour when told to " STOP! " , and just plain

old being nice to someone one minute and downright jerky to them the next. The

wife is nice but the husband.....means well but is a spanker -- he actually

told my jusband when my husband was explaining about our son : " why don't you

just spank him? " I am going to let them go but I am just sick over it -- I feel

he is old enough and I should start letting things like this happen and I don't

want to be overprotective.....but what should I do to prepare me and him for

tomorrow night? Sorry for the rambling and incoherence -- I am a bit

stressed.....any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

>

> Melody

>

April 3, 2009

I'm sorry, I didn't read well enough. I thought your DH was going to be there.

With it being a drop off that changes things. I don't know what I would do.

I guess since I think my son holds his own in a fight (and usually wins) I would

not be so worried about him as I would be worried about what he would do to the

others or the others things ( he likes to destroy things ).

I guess that I would leave it up to my husband as it is his friend. I would

just remind him about what might happen and let him decide.

Vickie

> >

> > hi all -- I have an 8 year old aspie and a 6 year old nt -- both boys.

Well, dh came home from work today and was all happy -- telling me his friend

(who has a boy, 11, and a girl 6) wants to invite our boys over for a night of

star wars movies --tomorrow night. My first reaction was -- no way--but my

husband is all " he is 8 -- it is time--it's no big deal " My sons basic problems

are meltdowns, misperceiving why people do what they do (I know,I knoe that is

basic aspergers), refusing to stop a behaviour when told to " STOP! " , and just

plain old being nice to someone one minute and downright jerky to them the next.

The wife is nice but the husband.....means well but is a spanker -- he actually

told my jusband when my husband was explaining about our son : " why don't you

just spank him? " I am going to let them go but I am just sick over it -- I feel

he is old enough and I should start letting things like this happen and I don't

want to be overprotective.....but what should I do to prepare me and him for

tomorrow night? Sorry for the rambling and incoherence -- I am a bit

stressed.....any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> >

> > Melody

> >

>

April 3, 2009

>

> ....I am always there to stop him..which leads me to wonder more about

tonite.....maybe a scoial story would help...

I think you should go with your gut instinct. Better safe than sorry. Would it

be really awkward to turn it into a family thing and invite yourself to stay and

visit? --Ruth

April 3, 2009

I would definitely stay with my son. My son is 12 and only in the last

year has he been able to go on play dates without me. He goes to a neighbor 2

doors away. The child he plays with is 9 and also has asperger syndrome, though

in some ways this other boy is easier than my was at 9, I think. He tends

not to be aggressive where my was definitely aggressive. Having this new

neighbor, we found her when we moved here in October of 2007, has been amazing.

can go there and spend a few hours with little problem. He occasionally

will say an inappropriate word, but otherwise he's okay and the mom totally

knows what to do.

The dad might be more prone to yelling, but so far this has not been an issue

with . has grown up a lot this year. He has matured in a very

dramatic way so is more able to handle new things, more able to use words to

express himself if he's upset, much less likely to hit or kick. Sometimes this

boy comes to our house as well. The boy's mom is my best friend here and we

really are so fortunate to have each other. We call each other for support, see

each other at least 2 times/week. If someone is sick in our house she'll run to

the grocery store for us and we'll do the same for her. My daughter rides the

bus with her son. My son is in the intermediate school but would ride a special

ed bus anyway.

Someone mentioned letting another parent's criticism affect how we parent. I've

always ended up feeling terrible when I too other people's well-meaning (yeah

sure) advice. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone if I thought they were going

to spank him or if they were likely to spank their kid in front of my son. Not

too many things set my son off any more, but seeing some other kid get yelled at

or hit by a parent can lead to a meltdown and aggressive behavior. He gets VERY

angry about it.

So if you want to do this play date, definitely educate them and tell them that

you would love to have your children go there for a play date but, because your

child has a disability that often involves meltdowns, you need to be with him.

He has never done this kind of play date before so it has the potential to get

very difficult if he doesn't have a parent with him to help him negotiate the

social aspects of the situation.

I have come to realize that supervision prevents difficulties and helps an

asperger kid experience positive social interactions. This is extremely

important. Negative experiences are much worse for an asperger kid than a

typical kid. The effects of one bad experience can be very long term.

My son had a terrible experience with a neighbor kid when he was 4.

thought the world of this kid and didn't understand at ALL why I felt this child

was not a good friend for . He was sneaky and mean. He would cheat at

games because he knew couldn't tell anyone. He would sneak and hit

and then would openly hit the kid back and would get in trouble but

the other kid wouldn't UNLESS I was right on top of them.

One day this kid shot in the face with a super soaker about 2 inches from

his face. It made his lip BLEED. I had just FINISHED saying, " don't shoot each

other in the face " . This kid was a little older than . Anyway, was

upset and bleeding and when to exact revenge. I ran to keep from hurting

the kid but the mom got all HUFFY about it and acted like this was all 's

fault.

Still, just thought this kid was the best. would say, " Liam is my

hero. " Until one day when ran over there during a bbq. My husband was

outside washing the car and went out to help him. But when he saw all

these kids running around at Liam house he went over there. My husband, despite

my explicit instructions NOT to let him go there, came in 10 minutes later and

said, " Just thought you should know, is at Liam's house. "

I ran out and immediately heard Liam yell " Hit him with the ball, hit him with

the ball! " They were playing with some kind of playground ball and wanted

a turn. He was 4, didn't communicate well, couldn't ASK so he just grabbed for

it. So Liam said to hit him with the ball. This was 10 bigger kids against my

little 4 year old. cried and cried and as I was leaving Liam said, " Look

at the baby being taken away by his mommy! " and I said in a very loud and clear

voice, " this is why I don't like you coming over here, these kids don't

play nicely. "

I wasn't intending to communicate this to the parents at that point. I was just

trying to help understand. All the parents were actually within about 10

feet of me and starting going, " What's going on?! " and I heard Liam say, " I

didn't do nuthin.' " Yeah, whatever. But this was the point at which

FINALLY understood and he was beyond furious. He drew a very scary violent

scene with all red and black ink. He was angry and hurt.

It took years to get over that. This happened when was 4. He was

still upset at age 5, 6, 7, and 8. If he saw a kid who LOOKED like Liam he'd

get aggressive. If he thought someone was acting like Liam he would get

aggressive. He assumed EVERY kid was just like Liam so was always ready to

pounce. Then one day he said, " Liam was mean because his parents weren't very

nice. I feel sorry for him. " WOW. But it took a very long time for him to get

over that one negative experience. I realized I had to be outside with

even if dad was out there because " don't let go there " means, " If goes

there, meander slowly into the house and casually mention it to mom. "

LOL.

I was still a " helicopter mom " hovering over constantly until very

recently. Within the last year I've been able to stand back a little more and

give more freedom. Not much more. I won't even let him play with the kid

next door to us here. This kid tends to be too rough and has NO tolerance for

anyone being different. He brags about how he used to beat up kids at his old

school. He has social skill issues and his dear sweet mom works very hard with

him. He has learning disabilities that are hard to categorize. But what saves

this situation is that the parents are very nice, very honest and very much

aware of their own child's issues. Still, if goes there, I follow him

because it has the potential to get ugly for .

So hover little helicopter moms and ignore the people who criticize. I've

gotten very tough over the years. I learned to ignore people and their mean

glares and their " he needs a spanky " advice. I've even gotten in people's faces

about some of the crap they've said and this is completely not in my nature.

But somehow that mother bear comes out if someone is horrible. If someone is

well-meaning but wants to give their ideas a try, sometimes I let them. It

depends on the situation. It is always worse for the " expert " than it is for

. He provides some natural consequences that just can't be dismissed. LOL.

This is love and logic for other parents who criticize my parenting. LOL. I

let the natural consequences work for us. But that is rarely necessary now.

Miriam

In , " melody7744 " <melody7744@...> wrote: