Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

January 4, 2008

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

January 4, 2008

How old is your son? Is he the only child? My grandson whom we raise is 15 now but he used to whine all the time. He was bored,he wanted to go places, he needed new games etc. I used to make him look me right in the eye & ask him to repeat what I wanted him to do & if he didn't aomething would be taking away from him..tv,video game whatever. He soon caught on. Take care,Betty cajabra <cajabra@...> wrote: I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I

live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 4, 2008

My son just turned 8. I just started taking things away from him when he won't listen, so far it hasn't caught on. Hopefully it will. Thank-you

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

How old is your son? Is he the only child? My grandson whom we raise is 15 now but he used to whine all the time. He was bored,he wanted to go places, he needed new games etc. I used to make him look me right in the eye & ask him to repeat what I wanted him to do & if he didn't aomething would be taking away from him..tv,video game whatever. He soon caught on. Take care,Betty

cajabra <cajabra (DOT) com> wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 4, 2008

He just refuses to listen to us, whining and throwing temper tantrums all the time. Anytime we ask him to do something he whines and refuses to do it. We have tried taking things away, sending him to his room. Nothing seems to work. He is eight years old.

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 5, 2008

Chances are, it won't catch on, per our experience and numerous professionals advise. These kiddos often do not see loosing things as a loss of privs but a permanent event; both my aspies boys, never, ever want that again....our 14 year old lost bike privileges for not following directions when he had a brand new bike at about 10 (a week old new bike) and has ridden it maybe 4 times since then... this is common; just our experience and advise---would not do it---perhaps a toy time out for an hour or something but loss of toy is often seen as permanent---just thought I would share our experiences and probably why it has not 'caught on yet...' may not ever.....Ruthie Dolezal

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

How old is your son? Is he the only child? My grandson whom we raise is 15 now but he used to whine all the time. He was bored,he wanted to go places, he needed new games etc. I used to make him look me right in the eye & ask him to repeat what I wanted him to do & if he didn't aomething would be taking away from him..tv,video game whatever. He soon caught on. Take care,Betty

cajabra <cajabra (DOT) com> wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 5, 2008

What we did with my son at that age is to

break down anything we wanted him to do. If I wanted him to clean his

room it would be—Go pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry

and come back

Go put clean clothes in the dresser and

come back. Go pick up the books and put them on the bookshelf and come

back. Go pick up the toys (if your son is into toys, especially toys with

multiple parts you might want to break it down to pick up the Legos etc.) and

come back. Go make your bed and come back. Go pick up any garbage

and come back. Is there anything else on your floor that doesn’t

belong there? Go pick it up and put it where it goes. You must

specify that doesn’t belong there because it will avoid but I can’t

pick up my bed, dresser, bookcase….

Any multiple step task can be overwhelming

for them. As for the whining and tantrums, take a look at things, when

are they happening (time of day, activities (both then and before), number of

people around, is his schedule the same, is there a lot of chaos around (loud

noises, bright lights, anything that might overwhelm his senses). See if

there is anything you can do to prevent the tantrums. Try creating a quiet

decompression area where he can go when he is overwhelmed. Teach him that

this area is not a punishment but an area for self control. No one else

is allowed in that space except you and then only briefly. If calm

activities “soothe the savage beast” then it might have books or

legos, if active ones do it might have a mini trampoline. If you don’t

need something as large as the mini trampoline then it can even be a closet

(the under stair type works best) but the door is never shut. Tape the

thingy in so HE can close the door if he wants but can’t get locked

in. The object of this is to teach self control though, not to punish.

After he has gotten himself under control you tell him to do-------- again as

if it is the first time you asked. If he hurt someone or did something

else that REQUIRES discipline you explain that you are proud of him for getting

himself under control but before he did he had done ________ and the

consequence for that will be ______. If you take away a privilege don’t

do it for more than the rest of the day or the next day if it is late

evening. They tend to get into the “I don’t have anything to

lose” mode if you make things too long. They also forget why they

are being punished. It is important that discipline takes place after

they are calm because while they are like that they don’t understand

anything.

I like the word consequence rather than

punishment because even adults have consequences for their actions. If

you don’t go to work you get fired and there is no money. If you

don’t pay the electric bill there is no electricity. As opposed to

the term punishment that is usually only applied to children and

criminals. It is easier for them not to become bitter, especially, I

think, for Aspies, if they can see that you have consequences for your actions

as well. For an Aspie it can be hard to understand why only children have

consequences for their actions and adults don’t have to follow any

rules.

Jolinna

January 5, 2008

AMEN---very well said, Jolinna.....only thing I can add is that, we, personally, have a hot-head, many other dx'ed son that is 14; we help him clean his room to immaculacy / our highest expectations once per 2-3 months---it takes my husband, son, and me about 2-3 hours together---it is actually fun---we chat, bond, etc. I would like to tell you that, my husband HATES THIS, but this is how it is:

I can spend 3-10 minutes of my time daily HELPING / having him help me tidy his room.

OR

I can spend the 2-3 plus hours cleaning once per 8 weeks or so....

OR

We can never see his floor, always be frustrated, etc. While we can do the 'one task at a time---which is what he requires----his room is just too much for him, period. It has been this way since he was meerly 18 months of age, and no matter what I have done, it is pure 'hell' to get it done---so, I have decided that, in 2008, my idea of 2-8 minutes a day will keep things clean, me happier, him happier (as he hates the mess but cannot keep it clean on his own no matter how hard he tries), and that, most likely, he WILL have lifelong services, which will include help for this; it is like 'pick your battles'.....but he is a teen---this is one I am no longer going to pick.

I am NOT making excuses---he DOES have jobs he is required; some he complains a lot, and others, he complains a lot but now does without complaint---about every other wash load, he has to unload the dishwasher---I instantly follow him to put the few dishes from the sink that are ready to be loaded in, and I always give him a dollar or two---he gets paid for most things he does rather than be just handing him a $20 when he wants it---he gets a very reasonable (cheap for us really) allowance weekly but he had to help to do it---and we follow that up with how great of work he did and life lessons of it all-----he has been walking to a local coffee shop (I call & tell her he is coming / she calls and says he got there), thinks he is a big man, and he is paying for it himself (so it saves me twice!!!!)-----the coffee shop lady LOVES him, too; not only has he made some friends from it, he is learning to be responsible, walking about 40 minutes round trip 1-2 times a week, out in public, ALONE by himself (which makes him think he is a hot shot---he has NO IDEA she knows he is coming or that she tells me he got there---but that makes ME feel better---as he does walk along a fairly busy road and I would do the same if he was 100 percent NT---just 'cuz of the world we are living in----).

So, I guess I went on and on----good thing basketball practice is almost over---I better leave and go get my son and quit typing all day!!!! Sorry about that...

Ruthie

RE: ( ) Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What we did with my son at that age is to break down anything we wanted him to do. If I wanted him to clean his room it would be-Go pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry and come back

Go put clean clothes in the dresser and come back. Go pick up the books and put them on the bookshelf and come back. Go pick up the toys (if your son is into toys, especially toys with multiple parts you might want to break it down to pick up the Legos etc.) and come back. Go make your bed and come back. Go pick up any garbage and come back. Is there anything else on your floor that doesn't belong there? Go pick it up and put it where it goes. You must specify that doesn't belong there because it will avoid but I can't pick up my bed, dresser, bookcase..

Any multiple step task can be overwhelming for them. As for the whining and tantrums, take a look at things, when are they happening (time of day, activities (both then and before), number of people around, is his schedule the same, is there a lot of chaos around (loud noises, bright lights, anything that might overwhelm his senses). See if there is anything you can do to prevent the tantrums. Try creating a quiet decompression area where he can go when he is overwhelmed. Teach him that this area is not a punishment but an area for self control. No one else is allowed in that space except you and then only briefly. If calm activities "soothe the savage beast" then it might have books or legos, if active ones do it might have a mini trampoline. If you don't need something as large as the mini trampoline then it can even be a closet (the under stair type works best) but the door is never shut. Tape the thingy in so HE can close the door if he wants but can't get locked in. The object of this is to teach self control though, not to punish. After he has gotten himself under control you tell him to do-------- again as if it is the first time you asked. If he hurt someone or did something else that REQUIRES discipline you explain that you are proud of him for getting himself under control but before he did he had done ________ and the consequence for that will be ______. If you take away a privilege don't do it for more than the rest of the day or the next day if it is late evening. They tend to get into the "I don't have anything to lose" mode if you make things too long. They also forget why they are being punished. It is important that discipline takes place after they are calm because while they are like that they don't understand anything.

I like the word consequence rather than punishment because even adults have consequences for their actions. If you don't go to work you get fired and there is no money. If you don't pay the electric bill there is no electricity. As opposed to the term punishment that is usually only applied to children and criminals. It is easier for them not to become bitter, especially, I think, for Aspies, if they can see that you have consequences for your actions as well. For an Aspie it can be hard to understand why only children have consequences for their actions and adults don't have to follow any rules.

Jolinna

January 5, 2008

If all else fails then I'd set up a "payment plan" to motivate him. He can either save it all till the end of the month then go shopping or go weekly. At eight he should go weekly since it will be to hard to wait for a whole month. This worked for around that age. I gave him two bucks $ every week. Not much but he was happy. Good luck,Betty Haske <cajabra@...> wrote: He just refuses to listen to us, whining and throwing temper tantrums all the time. Anytime we ask him to do something he whines and refuses to do it. We have tried taking things away, sending him to his room. Nothing seems to work. He is eight years old. Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he? Liz (Mom of a 19

year old young man with AS) On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote: I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what

to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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January 5, 2008

Sometimes it's really hard for & as soon as he gets a dollor he spends it ASAP even if it's a candy bar. He can never save anymore. He hates the word "no." Betty BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: Something we have with our son, too, is by paying him for each job as he does it, he is more willing to do it---even at 14, it is that instant gratification---kind of goes

with a previous post I made about how it does not matter / suggested giving a 'toy' time out but not taking 'cuz they see it (often) as permanent!! You did say you TOOK it-----so, inside their minds, we have learned handing him 1-3 dollars here, 10 there for cleaning his room to perfection (which, when tidied, he will dust, wash windows, walls, mirrors, etc---he LOVES to then!), etc. WORKS much better---so that is another idea---and, again, I would add to that that I am glad I can do this for you, when you have a job outside the home, you will most likely be paid weekly, bi-weekly, and need to learn to budget, etc. We also remind him of up-coming things; he will save a TON for that---he has had over $100 before from our 'change and ones handed out' for tasks to buy things he wants / trips and vacations (and it helps us then, too-----). So, hope that helps..... Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he? Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS) On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote: I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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January 5, 2008

I'm a little concerned about setting up an expectation to pay a child to behave. That could put you all in a sticky position. What if he starts demanding more money than you can afford? Also doesn't help him learn how to handle the "real world." When he's an adult, nobody is going to pay him to keep his room clean or do general chores around the house. Hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I would much rather take away a previlege (and be consistent here - DON'T CAVE!) to motivate than to pay him. I give my son praise whenever he's making the right choices. It can be as simple as sitting quietly at the dinner table and eating (when he was younger, this was an uncommon

occurrence!) or using his words with his sister instead of yelling or teasing when he's frustrated. He really responds to the positivity pretty nicely. But when he's struggling with making the right choices, I directly tell him "This is your first warning to stop arguing with me (or precisely whatever the behavior is that's wrong- be specific.)" If he continues, I will say "If you do not stop arguing with me, you will have a time out." If he continues, I will tell him to go in a time out. This usually lasts a few minutes. He sits in the corner of the hallway (not facing the wall, but away from any activity and he has to be quiet and stay sitting up before the timeout begins.) This was a struggle when he was younger but I didn't back down and thank goodness for that b/c it works! If you've ever watched Supernanny on ABC, she teaches it perfectly. I learned from his behavioral specialist when Dylan

was 5 (he's now 11.) We still use timeouts but very infrequently now. I think he likes having a place where he knows he has to sit still and be quiet. I did it correctly enough that it's almost like a sanctuary for him. But he calms down and usually, he won't go into another time out for awhile.

This was a lot but hope it helps!

mom to Dylan, 11, Asperger's and ADD diagnosis

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 5, 2008

We have $50 deposited every month for him automatcly that he knows is in there but he will not add to that. He has no concept of money. He is into material things. When we tell me NO about anything this turns into a meltdown at times. He can not accept that answer. Betty BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: I think that is something to

write into the book of ASPERGERS---they hate the word NO------sounds like my kiddos....I know it is frustrating Betty---how about, take it to the bank, and have him deposit it, and watch it grow? My kids had a stage of loving that!! Just another idea. Ruthie Re: ( )

Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he? Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS) On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote: I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around

where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

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January 5, 2008

We know Betty; NO does not fly either for either of our boys; it IS frustrating. I am not sure what the answer is except we have a ton of services and pray daily that something will help them both prior to issues being created that are too devastating. (14) starts a support group that is starting / just created where we live two hours two days per week after school time with five other Aspies in it, so that is going to be awesome for him; his first KNOWN experience with a group with other kids with Aspies, so we are excited and hopefully, and NO is a problem for all the kids there so it is a GOAL they will be working on. Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 5, 2008

I agree with you; however, in our situation, that does not work with our son; time-outs NEVER did work (he has 10 total diagnosis though). And, while professionals mean well, they hated time-outs too; they could not even make them work.

While I can see your point, our son simply struggles with daily living tasks and always has, and we have about 12 professionals working with us now, and always have had about that many. They have also tried everything; I have always been very consistent with him, and we have tried everything. Our son has ADHD, too, and time outs were simply never effective. We completely agree with you, and the super nanny techniques; I actually use that method in my daycare and with our n.t. five year old, and it works awesome; however, with our special needs son, it does not. So, I was trying to offer an option. In our opinions, it is better to be paid for DOING SOMETHING---we are grateful to get him to do ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES WORK---- than just giving him money so we are making a POINT of it with him right now that when you do work, you get paid. We firmly believe that the few chores we are asking him to do are things he should be doing for free, as a member of our family; however, how we feel is NOT realistic for HIS needs, so we are meeting him completely at his needs and on HIS level! So, please keep that in mind, but know that that is what we are doing; we have actually been praised by the professionals working with us; we do not back down; sorry it was interpreted that way.

In my opinion, what is going on that I was responding to is NOT working for the original poster, so I shared some background, and fact that there is something else....that is all.....it is not appropriate to keep doing something that is NOT working when there is something else to try......hopefully it can be interpreted as I intended, because if you knew me personally, you would know that we are by no means the type to back down and be wishy-washy; we do exactly what we say and say what we mean.....

Ruthie & Dolezal

January 5, 2008

Thank you for the info, I will try these things. I am willing to try anything right now.

RE: ( ) Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What we did with my son at that age is to break down anything we wanted him to do. If I wanted him to clean his room it would be—Go pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry and come back

Go put clean clothes in the dresser and come back. Go pick up the books and put them on the bookshelf and come back. Go pick up the toys (if your son is into toys, especially toys with multiple parts you might want to break it down to pick up the Legos etc.) and come back. Go make your bed and come back. Go pick up any garbage and come back. Is there anything else on your floor that doesn’t belong there? Go pick it up and put it where it goes. You must specify that doesn’t belong there because it will avoid but I can’t pick up my bed, dresser, bookcase….

Any multiple step task can be overwhelming for them. As for the whining and tantrums, take a look at things, when are they happening (time of day, activities (both then and before), number of people around, is his schedule the same, is there a lot of chaos around (loud noises, bright lights, anything that might overwhelm his senses). See if there is anything you can do to prevent the tantrums. Try creating a quiet decompression area where he can go when he is overwhelmed. Teach him that this area is not a punishment but an area for self control. No one else is allowed in that space except you and then only briefly. If calm activities “soothe the savage beast” then it might have books or legos, if active ones do it might have a mini trampoline. If you don’t need something as large as the mini trampoline

then it can even be a closet (the under stair type works best) but the door is never shut. Tape the thingy in so HE can close the door if he wants but can’t get locked in. The object of this is to teach self control though, not to punish. After he has gotten himself under control you tell him to do-------- again as if it is the first time you asked. If he hurt someone or did something else that REQUIRES discipline you explain that you are proud of him for getting himself under control but before he did he had done ________ and the consequence for that will be ______. If you take away a privilege don’t do it for more than the rest of the day or the next day if it is late evening. They tend to get into the “I don’t have anything to lose” mode if you make things too long.. They also forget why they are being punished. It is important that discipline takes place after they are calm because while they

are like that they don’t understand anything.

I like the word consequence rather than punishment because even adults have consequences for their actions. If you don’t go to work you get fired and there is no money. If you don’t pay the electric bill there is no electricity. As opposed to the term punishment that is usually only applied to children and criminals. It is easier for them not to become bitter, especially, I think, for Aspies, if they can see that you have consequences for your actions as well. For an Aspie it can be hard to understand why only children have consequences for their actions and adults don’t have to follow any rules.

Jolinna

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January 5, 2008

That is how my son is. He does not understand money at all. And when we tell him no it almost always turns into a meltdown.

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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January 5, 2008

Really apologize if you thought I was implying you are being "wishy-washy". I'm not trying to judge you at all. I promise. I know how hard all of this is...truly. I'm a single mom now and was in a horrible off/on relationship when my son was younger so on top of my son's needs I was also struggling in a horrible relationship. The pressure from everything was NUTS. I never thought EVER that a timeout would work but I kept at it with my son and it finally did. The way he will "train" on a thought and not be able to let go is now used to "train" on the timeout and that he has to do it. This is after HOURS of staying on it, time after time again, day after day in some

cases, to get him used to the concept. It wasn't tied up with a pretty bow like on Supernanny. But the basic concepts are the same. It probably took about a week of staying at it until it worked. We'd have problems from time-to-time but I refused to give up.

Time outs were a life-saver for me b/c usually when Dylan was needing them, I needed them too in a BIG way. I felt I was almost "imprisoned" by his outbursts, meltdowns, etc... and it was so, so hard. Walking on eggshells, trying to avoid saying things to him or doing things that might cause him to get upset, etc... made our family's home life pretty stressful. Being alone, I had to have something that worked. Timeouts were a way to feel like I could slow things down without yelling, losing my patience, etc...while teaching him he could get control of himself too. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it worked for us. Thank goodness too b/c I don't know what else I would've done. I think Dylan seeing he can get himself together helps his self-esteem tremendously too. So if anyone tries this, make sure you're doing

it correctly and don't back off, no matter what. Sooner or later it "clicks". I'm happy to offer my advice on a side note w/ anyone who wants to learn more.

I just wanted to offer another option because not everyone has money to give to their children in these situations (or they have reservations about it) so the money thing won't always be appropriate for all. If you can do it and it works for you, then cool. But I wanted to offer some other options for those that can't. Timeouts are free .

Again, I appreciate our children aren't one-size-fits-all when it comes to parenting and discipline. Hope you understand my position.

Take care,

p.s. My son has been officially diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder, ADHD, ADD, Asperger's, General Anxiety Disorder - NOS, and suffers from mild-severe allergies, moderate reflux, stomach ailments, migraines, etc... We've seen lots and lots of specialists since he was 3 and he is now 11. The behavior specialist we started seeing when he was 5 was the one who got me to try the timeouts. I don't believe he has all of the diagnoses above though. Aspergers seems to fit the best. All doctors have different opinions.

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

I agree with you; however, in our situation, that does not work with our son; time-outs NEVER did work (he has 10 total diagnosis though). And, while professionals mean well, they hated time-outs too; they could not even make them work.

While I can see your point, our son simply struggles with daily living tasks and always has, and we have about 12 professionals working with us now, and always have had about that many. They have also tried everything; I have always been very consistent with him, and we have tried everything. Our son has ADHD, too, and time outs were simply never effective. We completely agree with you, and the super nanny techniques; I actually use that method in my daycare and with our n.t. five year old, and it works awesome; however, with our special needs son, it does not. So, I was trying to offer an option. In our opinions, it is better to be paid for DOING SOMETHING--- we are grateful to get him to do ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES WORK---- than just giving him money so we are making a POINT of it with him right now that when you do work, you get paid. We firmly believe that the few chores we are asking him to do are things he

should be doing for free, as a member of our family; however, how we feel is NOT realistic for HIS needs, so we are meeting him completely at his needs and on HIS level! So, please keep that in mind, but know that that is what we are doing; we have actually been praised by the professionals working with us; we do not back down; sorry it was interpreted that way.

In my opinion, what is going on that I was responding to is NOT working for the original poster, so I shared some background, and fact that there is something else....that is all.....it is not appropriate to keep doing something that is NOT working when there is something else to try......hopefully it can be interpreted as I intended, because if you knew me personally, you would know that we are by no means the type to back down and be wishy-washy; we do exactly what we say and say what we mean.....

Ruthie & Dolezal

January 5, 2008

This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with

Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of

money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer

meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has

either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to do

with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away he

freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He is

9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a

week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut

off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I

have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized,

getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take responsibility for

his actions.

Janie

>

> I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support

groups

> around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say,

he

> is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't

> know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he

is

> on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any

> suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more

info

> from me please contact me.

>

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

Try it now.

>

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

Try it now.

>

> Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

>

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

Try it now.

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make your home page.

> http://www./r/hs

>

January 5, 2008

That is honestly why we DO give him money right when he does something (like

you would a 2 year old---praise or disapline immediately---later is

pointless-----)......so, money is something our son needs praised for and

given right now---he WILL not work to earn it---often, we actually give it

to him AFTER the fact, and thank him----sometimes he knows---other times he

does not---we give him $20 a week if he does a list of things in that

week-----but we give it here and there (right now-)---if he does not do it,

we may give nothing and the next week, if something is great, we may pay him

amazing ('cuz we are TRYING to give him $20 a week)----it is hard, but

sooooo glad to know we are NOT alone!!!! Ruthie & Dolezal

>From: " janiemop30 " <jsilance@...>

>Reply-

>

>Subject: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and

>I need some advice on how to handle

>Date: Sun, 06 Jan 2008 03:30:01 -0000

>

>This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with

>Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of

>money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer

>meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has

>either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to do

>with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away he

>freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He is

>9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a

>week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut

>off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I

>have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized,

>getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take responsibility for

>his actions.

>

>Janie

>

> >

> > I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support

>groups

> > around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say,

>he

> > is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't

> > know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he

>is

> > on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any

> > suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more

>info

> > from me please contact me.

> >

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

>Try it now.

> >

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

>Try it now.

> >

> > Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

> >

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile.

>Try it now.

> >

>______________________________________________________________________

>______________

> > Never miss a thing. Make your home page.

> > http://www./r/hs

> >

>

January 5, 2008

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated.....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

January 5, 2008

Hmm...I'm not poor. I have a very good job actually and a great support system from my family. My son gets an allowance but it has nothing to do with his behavior. He does chores around the house b/c I rely on him to help the family. He empties the dishwasher, puts his clean clothes away, takes the trash and recycling out, puts the trash and recycling by the curb and brings them back, sorts his own laundry, folds towels, etc... He also keeps his room clean (when I ask him to, typically not by his own doing.)

I can tell I've really stirred a hornets nest here with you. I tried to reach out and tell you I wasn't judging you but it doesn't seem like you hear it. I don't agree with what you are doing, but that doesn't mean I think poorly of you. It just means I don't agree. I hope you can separate the two. I wanted to share what worked for me in case other families out there were still looking for answers but either didn't want to or couldn't reward with money.

I'm sorry for your past relationship. I know it's tough. Like trying to help our children isn't hard enough, being in the middle of a chaotic, unhealthy, and draining relationship just makes it that much harder.

I won't share all of the things I've struggled with throughout my life b/c I could write forever! Some of it was self-imposed, situational, bad luck, naivety, all sorts of causes. I did learn a few years back to not sweat the small stuff and never give up. See the glass as half-full. It's all about perspective. That helped me stopped sweating the small stuff with Dylan and start seeing all of the positive aspects of him and it has helped us tremendously.

I hope you don't stop posting what works for you b/c that's what this listserv is all about, right? We learn from each other what works and what doesn't. I know the desperation many of the parents on here are feeling b/c I used to feel like that too. My son is night and day different than how he used to be as a younger child though. I'm not contributing time-outs to all of that but I know they helped to some degree.

"Time outs typically don't work for these kids" sure is a generalization though. I don't know how you can claim that? Doesn't mean it solves all the problems, but every little thing counts. Dylan doesn't struggle with them at all anymore. He did when we first started and we would have a flare up here and there in early elementary, but not now. Not for awhile.

Rewarding children unplanned is a great idea, but I use verbal compliments and not cash. It sounds like the same general principal though. It also keeps things positive and that helps set a better tone in the house overall.

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated. ....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

January 6, 2008

Have you had any testing done on him? If

not it might be worth the effort. It will give you insight into his issues—if

he does have a diagnosis then that will help explain things and give you a

direction to go in, if he does not then you know that it is just deliberate,

willful behavior and needs to be dealt with as such.

Jolinna

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of janiemop30

Sent: Saturday, January 05, 2008

9:30 PM

Subject: ( ) Re:

Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

This sounds exacally like

my son that has not been diagnosed with