Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

[Guest guest]

My favorite response is “We’ll see” which my

son hates. J

Tonya

[Guest guest]

LOL you're right... BettyTonya Hettler <txua@...> wrote: My favorite response is “We’ll see” which my son hates. J Tonya

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[Guest guest]

Janie, jonathan used to freak out when I took any thing away from him but I didn't budge so he knows now if it's gets taken away he has to earn it back. He is really into material things (video games,Cd's etc & that's what makes him meltdown because he can not have it like right now so he obsesses about it until he has a melt-down. Obsessing is any other thing he does that also leads to having a melt down. He doesn't let it go either. Like a dog with a bone. Betty janiemop30 <jsilance@...> wrote: This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to do with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away he freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He is 9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized, getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take

responsibility for his actions. Janie> > > I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups > around

where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he > is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't > know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is > on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any > suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info > from me please contact me.> > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. > > > > > Never miss a thing. Make your homepage. > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.> > > >

________________________________________________________________________> Never miss a thing. Make your home page. > http://www./r/hs>

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I've noticed when I say to "IF you do that I am going to ...whatever" he says I am challenging him so now I say When you do that then I will... Does that make sense? Hey whatever works. Betty MacAllister <smacalli@...> wrote: I'm a little concerned about setting up an expectation to pay a child to behave. That could put

you all in a sticky position. What if he starts demanding more money than you can afford? Also doesn't help him learn how to handle the "real world." When he's an adult, nobody is going to pay him to keep his room clean or do general chores around the house. Hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I would much rather take away a previlege (and be consistent here - DON'T CAVE!) to motivate than to pay him. I give my son praise whenever he's making the right choices. It can be as simple as sitting quietly at the dinner table and eating (when he was younger, this was an uncommon occurrence!) or using his words with his sister instead of yelling or teasing when he's frustrated. He really responds to the positivity pretty nicely. But when he's struggling with making the right choices, I directly tell him "This is your first warning to stop arguing with me (or precisely whatever the behavior is that's wrong- be specific.)" If

he continues, I will say "If you do not stop arguing with me, you will have a time out." If he continues, I will tell him to go in a time out. This usually lasts a few minutes. He sits in the corner of the hallway (not facing the wall, but away from any activity and he has to be quiet and stay sitting up before the timeout begins.) This was a struggle when he was younger but I didn't back down and thank goodness for that b/c it works! If you've ever watched Supernanny on ABC, she teaches it perfectly. I learned from his behavioral specialist when Dylan was 5 (he's now 11.) We still use timeouts but very infrequently now. I think he likes having a place where he knows he has to sit still and be quiet. I did it correctly enough that it's almost like a sanctuary for him. But he calms down and usually, he won't go into another time out for awhile. This was a lot but hope it helps! mom to Dylan, 11, Asperger's and ADD diagnosis Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he? Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS) On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote: I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

I like setting up the expectation like that! It's not "if" but "when". I really like it! I'll definitely keep that in mind...

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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[Guest guest]

That's exactly how my son is too. Although he usually won't meltdown anymore if he has something taken away b/c he knows if it's gone, he deserved the consequence. Now if he feels it was injustly taken away, we could certainly have a meltdown. But I try to be super-fair about it and listen to him prior to the consequence.

Re: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

Janie,

jonathan used to freak out when I took any thing away from him but I didn't budge so he knows now if it's gets taken away he has to earn it back.

He is really into material things (video games,Cd's etc & that's what makes him meltdown because he can not have it like right now so he obsesses about it until he has a melt-down. Obsessing is any other thing he does that also leads to having a melt down. He doesn't let it go either. Like a dog with a bone.

Betty

janiemop30 <jsilancemsn (DOT) com> wrote:

This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to do with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away he freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He is 9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized, getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take responsibility for his actions. Janie> > > I

don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups > around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he > is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't > know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is > on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any > suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info > from me please contact me.> > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. > > > > > Never miss a thing. Make your homepage. > > > > > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with

Mobile. Try it now.> > > > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____________ __> Never miss a thing. Make your home page. > http://www.. com/r/hs>

Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

[Guest guest]

I disagree. People get paid all the time (called jobs) to do work. I don't think paying kids to do (jobs) things is any different except they are smaller and don't have to pay taxes on their income. lol.

I would say that you do have to make it into a plan where you will outline what is to be done and what reward happens when it is done. Kids have gotten allowances for many years and most have done just fine with it. It depends on the kind of family environment you are setting up and your personal beliefs and opinions. But overall, I doubt it's going to hurt anything. It is a way to earn pocket money for kids.

Taking away things, while always an option, should be the last option, IMO. Rewarding good behavior is the first option and most successful option. It can be hard to set up a positive behavior plan as I know since I argued for them all through school many times. The teachers seldom got the gist of it and usually they wanted to punish first. Punishing didn't work with my two ds's and in fact, caused other problems as well. It did not teach them anything and it did not stop the "behavior" from happening again either.

The beauty of using a positive behavior plan (PBP) is that there are natural consequences and it is harder for them to find someone to blame or to obsess on someone else doing something to them. For instance, one year my ds's PBP was that he could go to the office during study hall and be a helper (something he really liked doing as sometimes he got to load the pop machine.) If his work was not completed that day, he couldn't go to the office that day but had to stay in study hall (his class that period) to do it. It was a natural consequence and not a punishment. He had to go to study hall - that was a given. But if he went and had no work to do - he got a positive consequence. This inspired him to complete his work more than any loss of anything could have done. I remember everyone at that meeting looking skeptical and scoffing at my idea (I was yelling by then, lol, but mostly at the evil teacher who came armed with a list of ways to punish him) but they did it and it worked. Nobody had to make him suffer for him to learn to make a better choice.

I think anytime your child is out of control or tantrumming, you should figure out what is happening, why he/she is doing it and then work to resolve the problem or teach the child how to resolve the problem. Each situation is different but that basic formula works. Usually kids are not misbehaving just to be little snots. In that case, I would probably have to think harder. <g> But generally, I find they have a reason and you have to work at the cause to change the behavior.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. I have one here with me now screaming - long long week. augh.

RoxannaAutism Happens

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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[Guest guest]

I agree that being positive is the first way to go. I compliment, compliment, and compliment some more. My son really likes to please me (and his grandparents, teachers, etc...) and prides himself on being "obedient". I like to say he has learned to "use his super powers for good", which I'm so relieved about b/c when he was younger, I was so scared for him. He's just a super-sweet kid now. It hasn't always been like this though (or maybe he was but he just wasn't old enough to express it or his sensory meltdowns overshadowed it?) I'm amazed when I think back to how he behaved in elementary school vs. how he behaves now. This doesn't mean he's a saint though! He

still misbehaves and when he does, he has a consequence. And I've been paying attention long enough now that I can usually tell what's misbehavior vs. sensory overload. I never punish him for not interpreting something I said appropriately ("put your things away" so he puts up one shirt on his bed but leaves everything else out on the floor - that's my fault for not being more specific w/ him.) Or if it's loud, he's sick, somethings going on in his environment that's causing him to act out, etc... - I don't punish him for his acting out b/c that's where the Asperger's comes in and I would never do that.

I really like your suggestion about sending your child to be an office helper as a positive school reward. I'm going to suggest that to the school when we redo my son's IEP.

My initial response was directed towards a situation that's already sprialing out of control (if I remember correctly...I've posted a lot over the past few days!) And I respectfully disagree with you about the "job" thing though. My son gets an allowance but it's not tied to his behavior - he just gets it (and he's strongly encouraged to save half of it which is usually not a problem.) He's not paid for the chores he does around the house. Nobody pays me to clean the house so I'm not paying my children either. Now if I have a big job he wouldn't normally be asked to do like wash my Pilot or rake leaves in the backyard, I wouldn't be opposed to giving him a few dollars. But I really don't want to set up the expectation that his helping me (or the family) is tied to money. I understand your

point of view on this, but I just don't agree.

I don't know about everyone else but school starts back on Tuesday for my two and I'm kind of looking forward to it! We are on such a better schedule during the school year, even though things can get pretty hectic.

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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[Guest guest]

, I did not know there was any issue between the two of us...I was actually being attacked by someone else, so I am completely confused here.

I had someone attack me about using money and allowances, so I gave other options; it is not about money---it about that kids need allowances regardless of wage and / or what we make.

We are not poor anymore either; I was a single parent like 10 years ago now, and did the hard work to get here; I was responding and called that person by name, to the person attacking me, period.

As for my generalizations, I am very honest and document the truth, and that MOST (not ALL) aspies kids do not handle time outs well; well, that is what lots and lots of seminars, books on aspergers, the support group my son attends professionals have said that is an issue with all the kids they have worked with (and have shared methods they are going to use) and what we have been told by numerous psychologist and numerous other parents and professionals have shared back with us (as well as many on this sight)----so, there are other methods....

We reward our children with many methods, praise them for lots and lots and lots of positive things not cash either; however, for our allowance, I give it here and there---amazingly, I know others do, too; my husband's work does----our police department gives out coupons for ice cream cones for kids riding their bikes (not case but same thing!!!!)---not sure why I am soooo awful for sharing my opinion but I will not respond to any more of the negativity and / or defense of myself; all I did was share my concerns.....

I DO know what I am talking back, and it has been an amazing week professionally for me, so I know I am on the right path and won't let this bring me down.....Have a great week.

Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated. ....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

We can agree with that; thank GOD for the Hamburger Helper (or generic brand of it)---even my son cooks it for us now---AMEN.....We are poor but no longer POOOOOOOOOOO (po)---that is how we used to say it-----so, we have moved up to working 'poor' ourselves but we are finally moving to a nice house....so, for that, we are excited.....Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated. ....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Exactly and often I incorporate the expenses .. Such as.. A class trip

, even underwear!! This way monthly money I can rarely afford to give away for chores is

Exactly going towards things I would be spending my money on anyways. This is a fact of life that children do need to learn. My kids know my budget, mortgage, bills etc

Its a great way to educate the kids.

-- Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

I disagree. People get paid all the time (called jobs) to do work. I don't think paying kids to do (jobs) things is any different except they are smaller and don't have to pay taxes on their income. lol.

I would say that you do have to make it into a plan where you will outline what is to be done and what reward happens when it is done. Kids have gotten allowances for many years and most have done just fine with it. It depends on the kind of family environment you are setting up and your personal beliefs and opinions. But overall, I doubt it's going to hurt anything. It is a way to earn pocket money for kids.

Taking away things, while always an option, should be the last option, IMO. Rewarding good behavior is the first option and most successful option. It can be hard to set up a positive behavior plan as I know since I argued for them all through school many times. The teachers seldom got the gist of it and usually they wanted to punish first. Punishing didn't work with my two ds's and in fact, caused other problems as well. It did not teach them anything and it did not stop the "behavior" from happening again either.

The beauty of using a positive behavior plan (PBP) is that there are natural consequences and it is harder for them to find someone to blame or to obsess on someone else doing something to them. For instance, one year my ds's PBP was that he could go to the office during study hall and be a helper (something he really liked doing as sometimes he got to load the pop machine.) If his work was not completed that day, he couldn't go to the office that day but had to stay in study hall (his class that period) to do it. It was a natural consequence and not a punishment. He had to go to study hall - that was a given. But if he went and had no work to do - he got a positive consequence. This inspired him to complete his work more than any loss of anything could have done. I remember everyone at that meeting looking skeptical and scoffing at my idea (I was yelling by then, lol, but mostly at the evil teacher who came armed with a list of ways to punish him) but they did it and it worked. Nobody had to make him suffer for him to learn to make a better choice.

I think anytime your child is out of control or tantrumming, you should figure out what is happening, why he/she is doing it and then work to resolve the problem or teach the child how to resolve the problem. Each situation is different but that basic formula works. Usually kids are not misbehaving just to be little snots. In that case, I would probably have to think harder. <g> But generally, I find they have a reason and you have to work at the cause to change the behavior.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. I have one here with me now screaming - long long week. augh.

RoxannaAutism Happens

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Well I'll tell ya.. I am poor LOL Working .. Both my husband and I

Making.. OK money not.. Great.. ( EA supply teacher myself and working part time at a local store.. HUBBY is a woodworker..) we have five kids between us.. And one adopted child too boot LOL

And.. Well with braces.. Therapies etc..

Its working poor.. But I love it..

Poor.. Is a four letter word.. But I embrace it.

It makes movie night and board game night.. Quality time in our house..

The Swiss alps vacation.. Will just have to wait LOL OH and thank god for hamburger helper

The creators of that product.. Must have had autistic children LOL

-- Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

, I did not know there was any issue between the two of us...I was actually being attacked by someone else, so I am completely confused here.

I had someone attack me about using money and allowances, so I gave other options; it is not about money---it about that kids need allowances regardless of wage and / or what we make.

We are not poor anymore either; I was a single parent like 10 years ago now, and did the hard work to get here; I was responding and called that person by name, to the person attacking me, period.

As for my generalizations, I am very honest and document the truth, and that MOST (not ALL) aspies kids do not handle time outs well; well, that is what lots and lots of seminars, books on aspergers, the support group my son attends professionals have said that is an issue with all the kids they have worked with (and have shared methods they are going to use) and what we have been told by numerous psychologist and numerous other parents and professionals have shared back with us (as well as many on this sight)----so, there are other methods....

We reward our children with many methods, praise them for lots and lots and lots of positive things not cash either; however, for our allowance, I give it here and there---amazingly, I know others do, too; my husband's work does----our police department gives out coupons for ice cream cones for kids riding their bikes (not case but same thing!!!!)---not sure why I am soooo awful for sharing my opinion but I will not respond to any more of the negativity and / or defense of myself; all I did was share my concerns.....

I DO know what I am talking back, and it has been an amazing week professionally for me, so I know I am on the right path and won't let this bring me down.....Have a great week.

Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated. ....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

I have not specifically had my oldest son tested for aspergers or

anything else, however I did take him to a phychologist who thought

that his behaviors were merly because he is a strong willed child. I

however do not feel like this is the case because when he is upset

there is no reasoning with him. He will continue his fit for two

hours if I punish him. I have tried everything from taking privledges

to time outs all of which make my stress level rise and him act

worse. I feel like a bad parent alot with him because he is the size

of a 13 year old and throws fits like a 6 year old. It is totally

embarassing. I have been through the whole diagnosis thing before so

I know what I need to do, however I do not really feel like he fits

the aspergers diagnosis. I am at a loss for what to think about him.

Janie

>

> Have you had any testing done on him? If not it might be worth the

effort.

> It will give you insight into his issues-if he does have a

diagnosis then

> that will help explain things and give you a direction to go in, if

he does

> not then you know that it is just deliberate, willful behavior and

needs to

> be dealt with as such.

>

>

>

> Jolinna

>

>

>

> _____

>

> From:

> [mailto: ] On Behalf Of janiemop30

> Sent: Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:30 PM

>

> Subject: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with

adhd and I

> need some advice on how to handle

>

>

>

> This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with

> Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of

> money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer

> meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has

> either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to

do

> with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away

he

> freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He

is

> 9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a

> week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut

> off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I

> have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized,

> getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take responsibility

for

> his actions.

>

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

I do not have the answers for you but sounds exactly like our son when he was little; I was told he had every diagnosis in the book as well as told I WAS THE PROBLEM over and over (and everyone I knew knew it was not me and so did I)-- so it is frustrating. If you do not think, after reading a diagnosis of Asperger's or a really good book, I would suggest you keep looking then.....that is what we did and were SOOOOOO excited to hear ASPERGER'S and read about it---it was like reading about our son....he fit all by ONE thing----of course, the diagnostic criteria is different (and so are our feelings) than reading a page about things these kiddos say, do, don't do, temper tantrums, etc. Our 14 year old (now) son still acts (and responds like) a 2 year old and few minutes later or next day, he will be 25 years old---it makes it hard to know who we are living with-----other parents have also helped us to know we are finally on the right track!!

Ruthie Dolezal

[Guest guest]

And, perhaps our son has bi-polar, but we keep waivering on that; he was abused when he was little, so he is having EMDR (rapid eye movement decensitization) too, right now, so we hate to go there; professionals do not want to officially give that as a diagnosis for his future (nor do we) insurance purpose. So, we do know that is a possibility, too, but we really think, again, that this 2 year old then 20 year old is what other aspies parents often report on here----so probably a 'part' of Aspergers?...... Ruthie

Re: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

I do not have the answers for you but sounds exactly like our son when he was little; I was told he had every diagnosis in the book as well as told I WAS THE PROBLEM over and over (and everyone I knew knew it was not me and so did I)-- so it is frustrating. If you do not think, after reading a diagnosis of Asperger's or a really good book, I would suggest you keep looking then.....that is what we did and were SOOOOOO excited to hear ASPERGER'S and read about it---it was like reading about our son....he fit all by ONE thing----of course, the diagnostic criteria is different (and so are our feelings) than reading a page about things these kiddos say, do, don't do, temper tantrums, etc. Our 14 year old (now) son still acts (and responds like) a 2 year old and few minutes later or next day, he will be 25 years old---it makes it hard to know who we are living with-----other parents have also helped us to know we are finally on the right track!!

Ruthie Dolezal

[Guest guest]

You don't have to keep your ideas to yourself at all Ruthie. Please DON'T. Not sure where the problem occured because I've been sick all weekend but I will try to catch up soon.

RoxannaAutism Happens

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated.....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Okay----well, I was being defensive, too, but for ALL OF US PARENTS OUT THERE--it felt like we were being attacked for the very things we are in a support group like this for----and, I am still here-----I knew you were gone, sick, or something so I was just trying to 'help out'-----oh, well......I will continue to post as I know I am helping some and also helping myself too; I have learned and loved this sight and gotten soooo much stronger since I joined----it has 'completed our picture' and life with aspergers and made us realize we could move in to almost any other parent (on here's) home and they are living our life (before, we were just alone, thinking it was us....)....Ruthie

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

There are a lot of people that know me and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things.

If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work.

Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else....

Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked......

As for eggshells, I did not know we get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad.

Sorry to have participated.....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while....

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, agreed! Using money is a great learning curve for all our kids and why not work on it while they are kids and the consequences are smaller! I know some friends who have kids who cannot count money to save their life - they just can't get it. I am lucky in that my kids are all good at counting money and we have had them buy their own toys and such once in a while to get experience with doing that...how much do you need? Did you figure in tax? Did you wait for your change? etc. Sometimes even doing this is a process to learn for some of our kids. It does not just sink in by watching us at the grocery store for X number of years. lol. You'd think it would, lol. But it doesn't always. Learning to save is also a good experience as I've been reading in this thread that a number of kids can't stand to wait! I know that one - sometimes the boys spend it the second it hits their hand. It's a process, always.

RoxannaAutism Happens

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

What does he do that's hard to control? How old is he?

Liz (Mom of a 19 year old young man with AS)

On Jan 3, 2008, at 9:24 PM, cajabra wrote:

I don't know how to handle my son, and there aren't any support groups around where I live. I cannot get him to listen to anything we say, he is constantly whining, and just plain hard to control. I just don't know what to do anymore. We see a therapist every 2 weeks, and he is on medication. He is on concerta and zoloft. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated, and if you need more info from me please contact me.

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Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Maybe Bipolar Disorder or ODD oppositional defiant disorder. How old did you say he was? Does you oldest have any dx's? Betty janiemop30 <jsilance@...> wrote: I have not specifically had my oldest son tested for aspergers or anything else, however I did take him to a phychologist who thought that his behaviors were merly because he is a strong

willed child. I however do not feel like this is the case because when he is upset there is no reasoning with him. He will continue his fit for two hours if I punish him. I have tried everything from taking privledges to time outs all of which make my stress level rise and him act worse. I feel like a bad parent alot with him because he is the size of a 13 year old and throws fits like a 6 year old. It is totally embarassing. I have been through the whole diagnosis thing before so I know what I need to do, however I do not really feel like he fits the aspergers diagnosis. I am at a loss for what to think about him. Janie>> Have you had any testing done on him? If not it might be worth the effort.> It will give you insight into his issues-if he does

have a diagnosis then> that will help explain things and give you a direction to go in, if he does> not then you know that it is just deliberate, willful behavior and needs to> be dealt with as such.> > > > Jolinna> > > > _____ > > From: > [mailto: ] On Behalf Of janiemop30> Sent: Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:30 PM> > Subject: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I> need some advice on how to handle> > > > This sounds exacally like my son that has not been diagnosed with >

Aspergers. He has the exact same behaviors and no understanding of > money. My other son who was diagnosed with aspergers has fewer > meltdowns and more quarky behaviors. I wonder if my other son has > either aspergers or adhd. I really struggle to figure out what to do > with him. If he hears the words no or that something is taken away he > freaks out. He throws stuff, yells, and even leaves the house. He is > 9 years old. Also he refuses to apologize. I tried the two dollar a > week thing and he would procratinate doing his chores until the cut > off time and then throw a fit because he did not earn the money. I > have no clue how to handle him either. Also he is diorganized, > getting poor grades, and lacks the ability to take responsibility for > his actions. > > Janie>

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[Guest guest]

I don't know what happened here either but we need every comment, idea & concern on here. Keep it up Ruthie. Betty Roxanna <madideas@...> wrote: You don't have to keep your ideas to yourself at all Ruthie. Please DON'T. Not sure where the problem occured because I've been sick all weekend but I will try to catch up soon. RoxannaAutism Happens Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle There are a lot of people that know me

and know what I am about, even on this website, so I think I will just leave it at that....I can read, and I feel I am pretty good at interpreting things. If you are not rich, I suggest using pennies, but your children DO need an allowance, and tying it to work is reasonable since we, as adults, get paid to work. Also, in case you are new, I was a single parent the first 6 1/2 years of my eldest sons life, and actually lived on $20 a month after bills paid, so I know what it is like to be the poooooorest of the poor and I was in an abusive relationship and worked hard to get my life in order to BE where I am now-----I earned everything I have now but my SON got an allowance; in fact, during custody battles, our judge basically ordered it at one point, so regardless of the dollar or cents.....time outs typically do NOT work well for these kids, a long with lots of other things...that was my point; sounds to me

like you still struggle with them which means it may be worth looking at something else.... Also, my eldest son lived in a treatment facility because my husband and I had to put him there---he was there for 30 months after living 2 1/2 months in the hospital first-----I learned a lot of my skills and ideas from numerous professionals over the years but one of the best things that ever was told to us (which was during treatment) was to reward him unplanned (that can be the gift of 2 hours of your undivided attention if you do not have a dollar) but it worked and still does! If my son knows he is working for something, it is like EVERYTHING ELSE IN ASPIES head (like our youngest aspies, too); I DON'T CARE---I don't want money---I don't want to spend 2 hours with you....whatever it is, they don't want it!!! So, it was something we were told to try and it worked...... As for eggshells, I did not know we

get to quit walking on them; we have been on them since before my son was born (with his abusive dad) and now, my son, both sons actually; you say the wrong thing or NO or not what they want to hear, and life is bad. Sorry to have participated.....I will TRY to keep my ideas to myself again for while.... Ruthie

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[Guest guest]

Hamburger helper? In hamburger helper, don't the noodles, like, TOUCH the hamburger??? A big NO-NO in our house! LOLLizOn Jan 6, 2008, at 10:33 PM, wrote:Well I'll tell ya.. I am poor LOL Working .. Both my husband and IMaking.. OK money not.. Great.. ( EA supply teacher myself and working part time at a local store.. HUBBY is a woodworker..) we have five kids between us.. And one adopted child too boot LOL And.. Well with braces.. Therapies etc..Its working poor.. But I love it..Poor.. Is a four letter word.. But I embrace it.It makes movie night and board game night.. Quality time in our house..The Swiss alps vacation.. Will just have to wait LOL OH and thank god for hamburger helperThe creators of that product.. Must have had autistic children LOL<SPLUMF~1.GIF>

[Guest guest]

Do you have a university hospital near you with a good pediatrics dept? You can sometimes get good evaluations at places like that. I'd be tempted to let my son scream and yell for as long as he wanted to, as long as he was in his room. It's really his business how long he carries on. When my son gets angry, he can stay mad for quite a while. I figure it's his problem. He'll come out when he's ready. The only down side to this is that it doesn't work too well when you're out. When I was out with a young ds and he started the tantrum stuff, I used to take my grocery cart to a corner of the store, take off his shoes so he couldn't kick me, and talk VERY quietly to him. "When you stop this, we'll finish the shopping and go home." I'd say that about every 3 minutes in a real quiet voice. Eventually, he'd stop, I'd finish the grocery shopping, and we'd go home. That's for a pretty little kid. Although my 19 year old got fed up with me the other day while I was grocery shopping. He wanted to go home and I still had 3 things I needed at the other side of the store. I left him stewing in the frozen foods aisle. He stayed there, furious, until I got back. He wanted to have a fight about it, but I cut him off with "Listen, you can't always have what you want. But you got popsicles, so you got some of what you want. I wouldn't push it if I were you." He didn't. And he carried all the groceries in. Nice boy.LizOn Jan 6, 2008, at 11:51 PM, janiemop30 wrote:I have not specifically had my oldest son tested for aspergers or anything else, however I did take him to a phychologist who thought that his behaviors were merly because he is a strong willed child. I however do not feel like this is the case because when he is upset there is no reasoning with him. He will continue his fit for two hours if I punish him. I have tried everything from taking privledges to time outs all of which make my stress level rise and him act worse. I feel like a bad parent alot with him because he is the size of a 13 year old and throws fits like a 6 year old. It is totally embarassing. I have been through the whole diagnosis thing before so I know what I need to do, however I do not really feel like he fits the aspergers diagnosis. I am at a loss for what to think about him. Janie

[Guest guest]

I think our sons could eat together. My son doesn't eat a "combo" of hardly anything, but he's a bit better than he used to be. Mostly single ingredient dishes here. Although he will eat my homemade meatloaf and I throw in some bell pepper, carrots, onions, mushrooms, whatever I have on hand, in there too. I put it all in the food processor and almost make a veggie puree and stick that in the meatloaf. He absolutely loves it too! BUT the only way it works is that we always have candlelight dinner on meatloaf night. Always. That way he can't see any of the little flecks of color. Fortunately he likes at least 3-4 things in every food group so overall he eats

pretty good. Just not anything together, with a sauce, gravy, etc... My daughter on the other hand loves gravy on anything. Of course!

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

Hamburger helper? In hamburger helper, don't the noodles, like, TOUCH the hamburger??? A big NO-NO in our house! LOL

Liz

On Jan 6, 2008, at 10:33 PM, wrote:

Well I'll tell ya.. I am poor LOL Working .. Both my husband and I

Making.. OK money not.. Great.. ( EA supply teacher myself and working part time at a local store.. HUBBY is a woodworker.. ) we have five kids between us.. And one adopted child too boot LOL

And.. Well with braces.. Therapies etc..

Its working poor.. But I love it..

Poor.. Is a four letter word.. But I embrace it.

It makes movie night and board game night.. Quality time in our house..

The Swiss alps vacation.. Will just have to wait LOL OH and thank god for hamburger helper

The creators of that product.. Must have had autistic children LOL<SPLUMF~1.GIF>

[Guest guest]

No kidding!! I'd NEVER get away with that - dad, mom & older kids eat combo menus, ds eats the same (all cooked SEPARATE and NOT TOUCHING on his place) or eats a separate special dinner. He's not very big for his age, so I need to do what it takes to get him to eat decently!! J. Liz Bohn <lbohn@...> wrote: Hamburger helper? In hamburger helper, don't the noodles, like, TOUCH the hamburger??? A big NO-NO in our house! LOL Liz On Jan 6, 2008, at 10:33 PM, wrote: Well I'll tell ya.. I am poor LOL Working .. Both my

husband and I Making.. OK money not.. Great.. ( EA supply teacher myself and working part time at a local store.. HUBBY is a woodworker..) we have five kids between us.. And one adopted child too boot LOL And.. Well with braces.. Therapies etc.. Its working poor.. But I love it.. Poor.. Is a four letter word.. But I embrace it. It makes movie night and board game night.. Quality time in our house.. The Swiss alps vacation.. Will just have to wait LOL OH and thank god for hamburger

helper The creators of that product.. Must have had autistic children LOL<SPLUMF~1.GIF>

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[Guest guest]

Thank god for plastic, sectioned plates, $1.00 each at Wal Mart. We all eat off them now.....

Re: ( ) Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need some advice on how to handle

No kidding!! I'd NEVER get away with that -

dad, mom & older kids eat combo menus,

ds eats the same (all cooked SEPARATE and NOT TOUCHING on his

place) or eats a separate special dinner. He's not very big for his age, so

I need to do what it takes to get him to eat decently!!

J.

Liz Bohn <lbohn@...> wrote:

Hamburger helper? In hamburger helper, don't the noodles, like, TOUCH the hamburger??? A big NO-NO in our house! LOL

Liz

On Jan 6, 2008, at 10:33 PM, wrote:

Well I'll tell ya.. I am poor LOL Working .. Both my husband and I

Making.. OK money not.. Great.. ( EA supply teacher myself and working part time at a local store.. HUBBY is a woodworker..) we have five kids between us.. And one adopted child too boot LOL

And.. Well with braces.. Therapies etc..

Its working poor.. But I love it..

Poor.. Is a four letter word.. But I embrace it.

It makes movie night and board game night.. Quality time in our house..

The Swiss alps vacation.. Will just have to wait LOL OH and thank god for hamburger helper

The creators of that product.. Must have had autistic children LOL<SPLUMF~1.GIF>

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.