Re: Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need ...

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am new here. My son is 18 now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's tendencies. He also has anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14 year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to hear these behaviors from other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent.

JeanStart the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

[Guest guest]

Since your children are older, the timeout method I've used for my son over the past 6 years really isn't appropriate. I would take away previleges then. Make it very matter-of-fact. But try to stay positive as much as possible. I know this is very difficult at times and I'm sure with four, it's just multiplied. One thing I used to tell my son is that his Wii, Nintendo DS, television, etc... are previleges, not rights. You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative. Your children have

diagnoses, yes, but underneath it all they are KIDS . And most kids try to manipulate their parents to some degree to get what they want, get out of what they have to do, etc... If you want your child to clean his room, give him one or two concrete things to do "pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper" then check on him and see how he's doing. If he puts up anything, praise him for his efforts and encourage him to keep going. When he's done, go back and give him one more thing to do "pick up your books and magazines and put them on your bookshelf" and let him know once he's done, he can have video game time. If the clothes take forever, just stop at that one when he's done. Slowly add on more tasks as he accomplishes what you give him (like over a period of months so as not to overwhelm him.) Baby steps here.

Hope this helps!

Re: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need ...

Hi, I am new here. My son is 18 now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's tendencies. He also has anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14 year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to hear these behaviors from other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent.

Jean

Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

[Guest guest]

My Asperger son is the youngest of

4. Where I really ran into issues was with my bipolar daughter when she

was younger. “They” said I needed to give her an allowance to

keep her from stealing (yeah right). “They” said I should be

giving her $5 a week. With 4 that was a funny joke. We were

struggling to exisist. I started giving them 25 cents per week for each year

they were old. I refuse to pay them for cleaning their rooms and they

have always had one job a day to do for the family. I have jobs I am

willing to pay to have done—mopping, vacuuming (I have serious back

problems), and the lawn. My standards aren’t really very high, I am

not a neat freak. I will only pay if it meets my standards. If it

exceeds my standards I have been known to significantly increase the amount

from what I told them I would pay. With our family income I will usually

offer $2 for mopping or vacuuming. If I REALLY don’t want to do it

I might offer $5. We have an enormous yard (for living in a city,

100x150) and I do pay $20 for that.

Jolinna

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of jmckim4184@...

Sent: Saturday, January 05, 2008

9:45 PM

Subject: Re: ( )

Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need ...

Hi, I am new here. My son is 18

now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's tendencies. He also has

anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns

and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades

now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do

chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14

year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We

don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with

siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to hear these behaviors from

other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Again, how about the method of giving it to them when they do something you want. And, I am afraid that, with the high expectations, you are, perhaps, setting yourself up to continually be disappointed and even stressing our already troubled kids out if you will. I can totally relate to you about 14 years ago; I thought everything had to be just so, and perfect; about 3 amazing years of therapy after a horribly abusive relationship, I learned that life is too short for perfection, and while my house is tidy and 'appears clean' most of the time it is NOT perfect nor immaculate, in fact, I might trip on a couple papers and a few sheets of paper on the way from my computer out the door right now but that is OKAY. I HAD the same mentality but recently (last 3 years actually) quit 'setting rates' at the advice of some therapists working with my eldest son, and our lives have changes; if you go to unpredictable rewards (money or other!!!!), they do it having no idea if they will be rewarded. My 14 year old is doing all kinds of things he never did 3 years ago---it took us 12 plus years to get here----so, I am looking forward to many better things with my 6 year old, as we have learned soooo much in order to parent him better----it makes me feel badly for my 14 year old.

That being said, you do need to remember that your special children (regardless of diagnosis) are NOT NT, and that, while it is great to expect them to do this and expect them to do that, that may be expecting too much and you have to meet them on their level so they can build their confidence; in our experience, something working today, may not work tomorrow, and no matter how long we stick to it, every day is different and a different challenge. I agree they need jobs but in my experience with this group and personally and all my professional and other experiences the past 20 years now with 'special kiddos', it is OKAY to pay / reward for doing ANYTHING they are supposed to (financially OR time wise-----that is what they want---YOU!!!!) even things NT kids would do just because they want to.

Just make sure you are meeting each one at their level; I would never pay my 5 year old to sweep and mop---he is NT and loves it---I do not have to----I may choose to take my 6 year old out for ice cream, and give my 14 year old $3-5 (part of his $20 for the week anyway and that way, when he is in the community with his waiver workers, he can buy a drink with them or whatever)----so, that is just my perspective. Just take care of you, too......

Ruthie

RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ...

My Asperger son is the youngest of 4. Where I really ran into issues was with my bipolar daughter when she was younger. "They" said I needed to give her an allowance to keep her from stealing (yeah right). "They" said I should be giving her $5 a week. With 4 that was a funny joke. We were struggling to exisist. I started giving them 25 cents per week for each year they were old. I refuse to pay them for cleaning their rooms and they have always had one job a day to do for the family. I have jobs I am willing to pay to have done-mopping, vacuuming (I have serious back problems), and the lawn. My standards aren't really very high, I am not a neat freak. I will only pay if it meets my standards. If it exceeds my standards I have been known to significantly increase the amount from what I told them I would pay. With our family income I will usually offer $2 for mopping or vacuuming. If I REALLY don't want to do it I might offer $5. We have an enormous yard (for living in a city, 100x150) and I do pay $20 for that.

Jolinna

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of jmckim4184aolSent: Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:45 PM Subject: Re: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need ..

Hi, I am new here. My son is 18 now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's tendencies. He also has anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14 year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to hear these behaviors from other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent.

Jean

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/6/2008 5:12:11 PM Eastern Standard Time, truegrittle@... writes:

He is really into material things (video games,Cd's etc & that's what makes him meltdown because he can not have it like right now so he obsesses about it until he has a melt-down. Obsessing is any other thing he does that also leads to having a melt down. He doesn't let it go either. Like a dog with a bone.

OMG, this is my son!!! I am not alone! It is so much fun at Meijer's (not) when he says he wants something. Although, I have actually had people thank me for not giving in. I almost had to call security once because he threatened to choke me. I am sure we were being watched on the monitors. Thankfully, store staff usually watch but don't do anything. I always figure help is just a yell away if necessary. He is a big boy and hard to miss. It is usually a toy or a video game that is developmentally lower than his chronological age. I think his autism is obvious when he throws a fit about getting a beyblade or pokemon cards.

Jean

Now he is earning money in a sheltered workshop and that is his money. When we get SSI (how is that for optimism) that will go in a separate account and pay his bills (mostly medical right now).

JeanStart the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

[Guest guest]

I agree with you. There is sometimes we just don't have it. When we do he is asked to run the sweeper or empty the dishwasher,take the dogs out etc. We just ask & that is enough for now. He usually gets $10 a week if I can afford it. Betty My Asperger son is the youngest of 4. Where

I really ran into issues was with my bipolar daughter when she was younger. “They” said I needed to give her an allowance to keep her from stealing (yeah right). “They” said I should be giving her $5 a week. With 4 that was a funny joke. We were struggling to exisist. I started giving them 25 cents per week for each year they were old. I refuse to pay them for cleaning their rooms and they have always had one job a day to do for the family. I have jobs I am willing to pay to have done—mopping, vacuuming (I have serious back problems), and the lawn. My standards aren’t really very high, I am not a neat freak. I will only pay if it meets my standards. If it exceeds my standards I have been known to significantly increase the amount from what I told them I would pay. With our family income I will usually offer $2 for mopping or vacuuming. If I REALLY don’t want to do it I might offer $5. We have an

enormous yard (for living in a city, 100x150) and I do pay $20 for that. Jolinna From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of jmckim4184aolSent: Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:45 PM Subject: Re: ( ) Re: Help! My son has asperger's with adhd and I need ... Hi, I am new here. My son is 18 now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's

tendencies. He also has anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14 year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to hear these behaviors from other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Hi & welcome to you & all the other new people. You have lots of us on here that has been there & can help you out. No that wouldn't be fair just paying one when I'm sure they all do their share. I have one grandson, age 15 with Asperger/Bipolar/OCD/Chronic Motor Tic Disorder & then we also have my head injured son 39yrs old. gets to shop twice a month & shops once a month. Usually we take them together but they go separate ways in the store. If does well at home then he can rent a video game in the middle of the month. That satisfies him...for now anyway. Take care,Betty jmckim4184@... wrote: Hi, I am new here. My son is 18 now, diagnosed with PDD-NOS with Asperger's tendencies. He also has anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc. I have been struggling with meltdowns and no concept of money and all sorts of things for almost two decades now. My problem is that I have 4 other kids. If I pay him to do chores then I will have to pay the 17 year old (bipolar and ADD) and the two 14 year old girls (frankly, that is the definition of mood disorder). We don't have the money. Anyone else out there dealing with this with siblings in the mix? Also, it is so nice to

hear these behaviors from other people. For so long I thought I was a terrible parent. Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

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[Guest guest]

I don't know about that! My son is 19 and "timeouts" himself when things get rough. He goes up to his room and closes his door (slams it if things are REALLY bad) and hangs out or reads until he feels better. I like positive reinforcers, but think there is a definite place for timeouts in this world.LizOn Jan 6, 2008, at 2:33 AM, MacAllister wrote:Since your children are older, the timeout method I've used for my son over the past 6 years really isn't appropriate.

[Guest guest]

You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some

occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children

accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have

to get creative.

We went through my now 19yod screaming

herself into an asthma attack because she wasn’t getting what she

wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my

kids I would leave them if they didn’t put their shoes on) tell me letting

her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer

treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every

time she decided to throw a fit. She didn’t have an answer.

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister

[Guest guest]

YES exactly.. That is what is so normal about them. They act just like other kids

In that respect.

-- RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ...

You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative.

We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn’t getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn’t put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn’t have an answer.

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister

[Guest guest]

I agree with you, Betty; this is where you should get out a book on Asperger's and MAKE THE WOMAN read about the symptoms and characteristics Aspies / Autistic kids do......the reason the social worker did not answer was because you are right but they have removed kids from their parents for lesser things; they think WE are crazy; I often post with a concern of that, because we are seen as the bad parents / that is PART OF THE PROBLEM----the system thinks we are sooooo horrible we created our children to be like this by ill parenting, when in fact it is because it is part of a diagnosis; what is unfair is how we are treated...

That is why I GET ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED when there are postings about how we have to hold our kids accountable, not be manipulated, etc.....because THAT is the very mentality of the professionals very opinion for YEARS to us as parents and THAT IS WRONG----I have always help my children accountable for THAT WHICH THEY CAN CONTROL----but, that is like telling a diabetic to quit being diabetic (in my opinion) or someone pregnant to just not be pregnant today-----THAT is how I see it----especially in MY children---as they age, you can ASK them--they hate acting that way as much as we do and want to STOP but do not know how----THAT is, in other words....beyond them.

WE DO talk of coping skills, and ways to possibly prevent it in the future / identifying when it is coming on, etc. but we just have to ensure we meet each of our own unique children at THEIR own levels.....

Ruthie

RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ...

Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have stopped her from having a meltdown anyway.

I carry a card from The National Autism Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns.

Take care,Betty

Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote:

You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative.

We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer.

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister

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[Guest guest]

My card says it all. It explains why & also that it is not because of poor parent skills. Everyone should have this card. I love to see the faces on these people that I hand it to. I always make sure I get it back. Betty BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: I agree with you, Betty; this is where you should get

out a book on Asperger's and MAKE THE WOMAN read about the symptoms and characteristics Aspies / Autistic kids do......the reason the social worker did not answer was because you are right but they have removed kids from their parents for lesser things; they think WE are crazy; I often post with a concern of that, because we are seen as the bad parents / that is PART OF THE PROBLEM----the system thinks we are sooooo horrible we created our children to be like this by ill parenting, when in fact it is because it is part of a diagnosis; what is unfair is how we are treated... That is why I GET ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED when there are postings about how we have to hold our kids accountable, not be manipulated, etc.....because THAT is the very mentality of the professionals very opinion for YEARS to us as parents and THAT IS WRONG----I have always help my children accountable for THAT WHICH THEY CAN CONTROL----but, that is like telling a diabetic to

quit being diabetic (in my opinion) or someone pregnant to just not be pregnant today-----THAT is how I see it----especially in MY children---as they age, you can ASK them--they hate acting that way as much as we do and want to STOP but do not know how----THAT is, in other words....beyond them. WE DO talk of coping skills, and ways to possibly prevent it in the future / identifying when it is coming on, etc. but we just have to ensure we meet each of our own unique children at THEIR own levels..... Ruthie RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ... Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have stopped her from having a meltdown anyway. I carry a card from The National Autism Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns. Take care,Betty Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote: You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative. We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on)

tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer. From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister Looking for

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[Guest guest]

where DO you get that at? And, what exactly is it called, Betty?

Ruthie

RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ...

Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have stopped her from having a meltdown anyway.

I carry a card from The National Autism Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns.

Take care,Betty

Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote:

You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative.

We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer.

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister

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[Guest guest]

Ruthie,

I never intended my postings about trying time-outs to be a suggestion that you or anyone on here is a bad parent. I can tell you've been through a lot and I feel like you're twisting what I said into something different than what I intended. I think, at the end of the day, we agree on the basic concept of meeting our children where they are and holding them accountable for what they can control. I'm fortunate that timeouts worked for Dylan. I had to be consistent and tenacious w/ my approach. That's all I'm saying. When I look back, I can't believe my now 11-yr-old, well-behaved, pleasant, agreeable child is the same 5-yr-old, frequent meltdown child. It's amazing to me. So I feel compelled to share what has worked for me with others. I know how lost and scared you can feel as a mom when you are faced w/ a child that seems completely out of control. I want to give hope. It seems like the

timeout concept works for some on here but not others. That's understandable b/c we all have different children. But if I know something worked for me, I'm going to share it. I also will always know I have to hold my son accountable for his behavior whenever appropriate and not let him manipulate me. Same thing w/ my 6-yr-old NT daughter. There is a fine line for him, but it's definitely there. He's a kid first! That's what they do! If I don't still set high expectations for him, he won't be as successful as I know he can be. Something I'm doing must be working b/c my son is really thriving right now and I don't feel like a puppet on a string anymore w/ regards to his behavior.

Regards,

RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ...

Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have stopped her from having a meltdown anyway.

I carry a card from The National Autism Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns.

Take care,Betty

Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote:

You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative.

We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer.

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister

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[Guest guest]

I went on line to the National Autism Registry or Society & it was free. I think I remember that you print the card out then I lamented it. They had helped me tremendously doing meltdowns in public. Maybe googling the site. Betty BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: where DO you get that at? And, what exactly is it called, Betty? Ruthie RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ... Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have

stopped her from having a meltdown anyway. I carry a card from The National Autism Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns. Take care,Betty Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote: You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative. We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer. From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Here is the site that has two cards to get. http://www.dimensionspeech.com/autism-registry.shtmlBetty BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: where DO you get that at? And, what exactly is it called, Betty? Ruthie RE: ( ) Re: Help! My son has Asperger's with adhd and I need ... Jolinna that is ridiculous. How could you have stopped her from having a meltdown anyway. I carry a card from The National Autism

Registry around with me that explains 's meltdowns. Take care,Betty Jolinna <jolinnacableone (DOT) net> wrote: You can't avoid meltdowns b/c they are going to happen on some occasions. But you can't be manipulated into not holding your children accountable for their behavior due to your fear of the meltdowns, you just have to get creative. We went through my now 19yod screaming herself into an asthma attack because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I actually had a social worker (I was turned in for telling my kids I would leave them if they didn't put their shoes on) tell me letting her scream herself into an asthma attack and then giving her a nebulizer treatment was abuse. I ask her if I was just supposed to give in every time she decided to throw a fit. She didn't have an answer. From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of MacAllister Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Thats funny!! I know what you mean I know I need alone time here and there for re-boot. Nothing like some quiet time to get your thoughts straight or not think at all . Adajmckim4184@... wrote: This reminds me of a time when my youngest son's speech therapist called and my son with autism answered the phone and said that mommy was not available at the moment, she was in a parental time-out. With five kids, there are times I just have

to say that unless someone is bleeding to leave me alone. Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

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