Re: Teen Years-Question for and anyone else

April 9, 2009

Perfectly said.

Jan,,,,I'd print this and "supply it to them" when you chat.

Robin

From: Roxanna <madideas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Teen Years-Question for and anyone else Date: Thursday, April 9, 2009, 11:49 AM

Well, Jan, I think for starters we should view it from his POV. If everything you did was wrong and everything you said was wrong, then why would you care? Eventually, you will stop trying because you are failing every single time. It beats you down until you really do not care. What else are they going to do to him? Nothing he doesn't expect to happen whether he tries or doesn't try. It's all the same. If he tries, he fails. If he doesn't try, he fails. So why bother?

How about zero tolerance for the bully's? These kids have his number. He is so frustrated that he is screaming out nasty words - a sign that he has no clue how to manage it, he just lashes out. Well, I would too in that situation! He doesn't know how to play the sly games and not get caught. He always gets caught! So who do we punish? Him. Who gets away with it and has fun torturing him in the process? Ohhh, all those girls and nasty kids. Each time he gets in trouble, they win and it makes them braver to do more next time.

So let's talk about "no tolerance" only let's include the cause of the problem first. Hmmmph. Would love to talk to your school people...grrrr. It's like he is the victim of the crime and he is arrested for being angry about it. What purpose does that have? What does it do? And if what they are doing is supposed to be a deterrent... hello! We have a lot of slow people in charge. Because what they are doing to "solve" the problem is NOT WORKING. Duh. And if they were sincere about ZERO TOLERANCE, they would find a way to catch these creeps and make them stop. That would be ZERO TOLERANCE instead of "zero tolerance only if you get caught." But they don't care EITHER!!!! Your kid is causing problems in the nice little community they have. He is a cog in the wheel. So suspending him and throwing him in detention gets him out of their

way. They don't care either. They aren't doing much better than he is, really. They just get paid for it.

THis is not about being a teen so much as being the butt of everyone's teasing and not knowing how to handle it. The others will never get in trouble and won't get caught. So what is the point? He has to go and be around these nasty people, he can't get through it without being used and abused by them, so great! Another fun day in his life. Of course he doesn't care! Does it matter?

Roxanna

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain

( ) Teen Years-Question for and anyone else

Hi! I have posted many times...my son is in 7th grade and is 13 1/2. He just had a huge growth spurt and is continuing to change...This year has been very difficult due to all the social misunderstandings and computers. The girls are so "boy" crazy and they can be really nasty. Most of his disciplines this year were due to not understanding the social scene. He was sort of dating this girl...but I think she was using him...and now she taunts him by saying things like "I rather go out X than you" or she told his best friend she liked him...she even said "I would rather have sex with you than ". She is 14 but was left back. I think this is WAY too much for him to handle. He gets so angry that he says the wrong stuff...stuff that can be taken the wrong way ..especially with this "NO TOLERANCE". In fact, the other day when he was leaving, this girl totally ignored my son ...son on his way out...he called her "bitch". (she probably

is) and when the teacher said she was going to write him up...my son said "I don't care" and he really doesn't care. We have taken things away, we have used a reward system, we have talked to him...but he gets so upset and angry and just can't hold it together...so he acts out like really really slamming his locker....He never acted out in school but is starting to now. Maybe it because the social scene is too much for him and all he wants is friends. Kids today are so cruel...especially girls. Now mind you my son has learned some "choice" words and now uses them inappropriately. ..ugh...and he doesn't care...is it depression, part of AS or what? I feel we may need to look for a different type of setting for him....Any advice for these horrible teen years since you went thru it? My son is very high functioning. ..has eye contact, etc. Most people don't know he has AS and think he is just a spoiled kid or disciplinary

problem....Jan

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April 10, 2009

I just emailed the school last night....to his case manager, asst. principal, Spec.Ed. supervisor and the Asst. Superintendent of Spec. Ed. And, I used what Roxanna has said ...quoted Lavoie (the Asst.Super of Sped loves this guy and just showed all the teachers 2 of his videos). And, I did give them his POV.... I think a lot of times they don't know all the inner workings...what brings a lot of this on...and what the kids do on the side...like "not talking to him" or start pushing in the hallways...there is one boy who is always answering for my son, who does stuff at the lunch table, who pushes in the hallways, etc. Now, my son is NO angel...I know what he is like but a lot has to do with his AS and his FUSTRATIONS. I have no idea how his mind works...but I do know that he thinks in a different manner...his voice can be

LOUD...he interprets things differently and perceives things differently than you and I. He gets fustrated when we bug him to do his homework and if we interrupt him...he gets Super mad and he feels he needs to get his thoughts out or sometimes doesn't realize things...for instance...

Yesterday morning I told my son he had to read one paragraph for . He did. Then later that night my husband told him his friend could sleep over....but he had to read two paragraphs of his packet. Well ...the night wore on and he didn't read yet...so my husband told him to start...he came in by me and said I read ...and I said no that is what you did this morning....and the arugument started...he told his father...but mom said I only had to read one this morning and my husband tried to explain that he said he had to read two for his friend to sleep over...He got so fustrated that he clenched his teeth, started to breathe real heavy and clenched his fists....at that point he got so mad he ran into the play room and flipped his chair over...luckily his caring friend calmed him down and later he returned to his "own self" and came out and "baby talked" I am sorry dad...I am sorry mom.

This is what the school doesn't see...they just see a kid who gives them a hard time.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Teen Years-Question for and anyone else Date: Thursday, April 9, 2009, 1:53 PM

>> Well, Jan, I think for starters we should view it from his POV. If everything you did was wrong and everything you said was wrong, then why would you care? Eventually, you will stop trying because you are failing every single time. It beats you down until you really do not care. What else are they going to do to him? Nothing he doesn't expect to happen whether he tries or doesn't try. It's all the same. If he tries, he fails. If he doesn't try, he fails. So why bother?I so agree with all this you are saying, Roxanna. Jan, I just want to make sure you have very directly confronted the school with the bullying your son is enduring from both students and teachers? Don't assume

they know! We went through a very similar experience when my AS son was in 6th grade and successfully resolved it. Our son was being severely bullied by a group of boys that were in EVERY class with him. They were clever and never got caught, and my son was the only one getting caught; he was giving little kicks or shoves back. He was also getting caught up in some of their other bad behavior. The teachers were also very bullying, treating his disabilities like behaviors, very similar to what your son is going through.I found out about it because they started giving my son detentions for the little kicks and shoves. This is very out-of-character for my son, who is generally very well behaved. So, I asked him about it, and he broke down and told me everything, including names. I found out about the teacher bullying because they called us into a big meeting with the principal and accused our son of all kinds of wild things. I sat my son

down, went through them one by one, and got his perspective. The principal got a LONG letter on both of these things, itemizing all the incidents, re-iterating what the teachers claimed, what my son said happened, and my own conclusions. I ended it with a statement that this was not acceptable and I expected something to happen. And I also spoke with a special ed director and let her know my son's disabilities were being treated as behaviors.I could bore you with more details, but I won't LOL! Suffice to say it has been 2 years and we truly have never had problems with bullying from students or teachers again. Not that we don't have other problems (like now they don't do ANYTHING if they don't know what to do), but at least that one is gone. Now, if I could just get them to get interested in helping him actually build social skills instead of just getting by... I wish I had the energy I had back then!Anyway, I would say be very direct

and detailed about this as they really probably don't know what all is going on. You may be surprised (I hope so!).Ruth

April 10, 2009

>

> I just emailed the school last night....to his case manager, asst. principal,

Spec.Ed. supervisor and the Asst. Superintendent of Spec. Ed. And, I used what

Roxanna has said ...quoted Lavoie (the Asst.Super of Sped loves this guy

and just showed all the teachers 2 of his videos). And, I did give them his

POV....

I think you are doing great, Jan! I just hope I can find your strength. I am

dealing with both a 504 Team and a potential IEP Team (two totally different

groups of people) at the same time since I don't know which way they are going

to go for next year, along with doing both a school autism eval and our own

autism eval through a local children's hospital. Not to mention all his

teachers are shutting down on me. We'll all meet Monday though (504 Team and

all teachers) and hopefully work it all out. Talk about stress LOL!

Ruth

April 10, 2009

Ruth, why are you working with both? Two chldren or not sure which you child falls under??? If I were you ...I would push, push and push for an IEP. I think you are more protected under that. I know as I write, I have tears flowing down my cheeks. People with NT chldren tell me ."..we all go thru this...are kids put us thru the wringer.""you have to think of something else"...."you have to get on with your life"....."teens will be teens"....I feel LIKE SHOUTING....NO....IT IS NOT THE SAME! they say..."we all fight about homework and behavior"... but they (these other parents) jsut don't get it...and I feel like they never will...they have NO IDEA what it is like to have a child with AS. How do I explain what it is like...do they know what it feels like to see a depressed boy day in and day out...a boy who is constantly left out, exclude, picked

on, tattled on, a boy who tries so hard to be friends, who gives his stuff away only to be turned on, a boy who in this day and age learned too much before he can handle it, a child who is exposed to filth, sex,cursing and plain out nastyness...and when he tries to fit in....they turn around and get him in trouble. A child so ANGRY that I worry he might become violent. A child who is dealing with academic learning difficulties and the social scene that he doesn't get. I guess I would act like he does too!

Here I go rattling on and on...but we all have each other ...and posts like yours and idea from Roxanna and other ...helps me...saves me and keeps me going.

Be strong...know your rights....read Lavoie's books and go in strong, have your notes to back you up ...and stand up for him. Work with the team....tell them straight out that you are NOT the enemy ....that all you want is for your son/daughter is to get an Education so that hopefully they enter society and contribute his/her share. I tell them I don't care if my son doesn't know Algebra II...just as long as he can add, divide, multiply and subtract...my concern is that he can lead a happy life and be able to get a job where by he can survive on his own. I would rather he have social skills than Algebra II or chemistry or art...

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Teen Years-Question for and anyone else Date: Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:45 AM

>> I just emailed the school last night....to his case manager, asst. principal, Spec.Ed. supervisor and the Asst. Superintendent of Spec. Ed. And, I used what Roxanna has said ...quoted Lavoie (the Asst.Super of Sped loves this guy and just showed all the teachers 2 of his videos). And, I did give them his POV.... I think you are doing great, Jan! I just hope I can find your strength. I am dealing with both a 504 Team and a potential IEP Team (two totally different groups of people) at the same time since I don't know which way they are going to go for next year, along with doing both a school autism eval and our own autism eval through a local children's

hospital. Not to mention all his teachers are shutting down on me. We'll all meet Monday though (504 Team and all teachers) and hopefully work it all out. Talk about stress LOL!Ruth

April 10, 2009

>

> Ruth, why are you working with both? Two chldren or not sure which you child

falls under???

LOL! My 14yo AS son has a 504, but they (504 dude, school counselor, school

diagnostician and school psychologist--and myself later) recently decided to

have the school district autism team evaluate him for an IEP. It is our second

try for an IEP. Long story, but they have been denying him services all these

years on account of the fact that he is very bright and isn't flunking. I know

we all know how wrong that is, so I won't get into that. We had a very hard

time just getting a 504, and he has only had it a little over a year. He had

informal accommodations before that, sort of RTI-like (our school district has

been doing that for years, long before the new laws). Anyway, so we have to

keep the 504 going, and it is going very badly. And we don't know if he'll get

the IEP, and it wouldn't take effect until next year anyway. We are starting

IEP meetings to discuss the autism team evaluation findings and decide his

placement for next year. Since he is still as smart as ever, darn kid, it may

still be a hard sell LOL. It just depends on whether the individuals want to be

stinky and whether they get the high end of the spectrum. And we did our own

autism eval at the same time, partly by coincidence and partly because we

wouldn't want them doing it themselves in a vacuum. In all due fairness, they

actually seem very interested and appreciative of all the evaluations we've had

done over the years. So, that is how we have ended up with intense 504 and IEP

meetings and 2 rather " big " evaluations all going on at the same time. Kinda

crazy. It would be so nice to have a school district you could just trust and

not have to do all the extra watchdog stuff.

If I were you ...I would push, push and push for an IEP.

I agree! I was willing to let them try the 504, but there is just no way it can

meet his needs. They had to try it and see for themselves though. I'm hoping,

not daring to assume, they are realizing this. I don't know what we are going

to do if they don't. Sit down and cry for a week LOL.

> I know as I write, I have tears flowing down my cheeks. People with NT chldren

tell me . " ..we all go thru this...

I keep getting the " but this is just --th grade... " stuff; want to bop them LOL.

Every school meeting the last few years, ever since I started trying to explain,

I think every staff member says this at least once, usually more. Is it a plan

LOL. Do they think they can convince me his autism is not real? Do they really

think all the doctors/psych/therapists are all wrong and I, rather than them, am

missing something and it is all some big incredible misunderstanding?

Seriously?! {{{HUgs}}} Don't cry!!! I know you can't help it though. I have a

long commute and my crying time is back and forth to work. I bought big dark

sunglasses just for it. Is that sad or what.

I hope they are nice to you all at church this weekend, it being Easter and all.

> Here I go rattling on and on...but we all have each other ...and posts like

yours and idea from Roxanna and other ...helps me...saves me and keeps me going.

Yes, it does--keep rattling LOL!

> Be strong...know your rights....read Lavoie's books and go in strong,

have your notes to back you up ...and stand up for him.ï¿½ Work with the

team....tell them straight out that you are NOT the enemy ....that all you want

is for your son/daughter is to get an Education so that hopefully they enter

society and contribute his/her share.

I've read a lot of stuff, but I haven't read Lavoie. I'm keeping the

name and I'll check it out at some point--probably this summer. I'm excited I

found a place that has social skills groups for teenage Asperger boys; it is

affordable and very close to our house. We didn't know it was there! Our

family doctor found it; said he has heard good things.

Regarding the meeting (504 meeting is first--Monday!). I have made up some

notes and I think I am ready. I'm going to do some last minute culling through

my executive dysfunction book on the chapters on math, reading and writing, just

to make sure I'm not missing any good ideas that seem like they pertain to my

son. Mostly my plan is to ask a lot of questions about what they are observing,

what are their concerns, what is working, what is not, and their opinion on what

they want to see in the 504--for starters anyway. And I have some put together

my son's most important ongoing issues, some solutions as I see it, and some

general suggestions for working with him that they may not know. All of this

very short and digestible.

The thought occurred to me that 504 dude has never given his opinion on what he

sees my son's needs as being or what he thinks should be on the 504. The

closest he came to this was voting " no " for the 504 in the first place. He

quietly dropped some things off from last year without comment (I didn't notice

at the time--am going to try to get them back on as they are needed). And he

has changed some things with comments regarding what is reasonable for the

teachers. But he has never said a word about what he thinks would be good for

my son. And I don't know how I ever missed that. The 504 was originally

written by another assistant principal, or I should say she was spouting things

out and he was writing. He didn't complain. I think since he had voted " no " ,

he let her decide it since he didn't even want it to happen. Anyway, so I'm

going to try to get an opinion out of him and see if we can't come to some kind

of compromise. I didn't say much either because I didn't see how they could

meet his needs with a 504 but could see they needed to see for themselves. So,

she simplified all his IEP recommendations from the children's hospital and

turned it into a 504 that doesn't work.

Take care!

Ruth

April 12, 2009

>

> In fact, thinking about it now, I was just asked to give a tiny speech to the

careers class...about my career ..where I went to school and how I got to where

I am. This is a requirement for the kids to pass...they have to ask an adult in

to speak. Well, this girl could not get anyone...her parents could not get time

off...etc....so while her case manager was looking for a free teacher to

speak....she turned and said well maybe Ms. Rushen will speak ....I said fine.

I could not let a girl fail. Anyways...i got up there and spoke about how I

ended up going to Montclair State University and making up my own program, how I

did an internship my senior years, my years working in various business fields

and how I became a paraprofessional. I told them how important education is and

that each one of them was important. And, that they should choose a field they

love.. I told them I love my job and that I prefer doing this then going back to

school to be

> a teacher...because in my position....I am so much closer to them. I

explained how I need to keep up as my son is in 7th grade with AS. They asked

me about AS and I explained. I then went on to explain how important it is for

us to all get along...our lives are too short...and I told them that they should

never stop learning....even if it is to learn to ski or draw...but too

continually use and expand their minds. They all clapped and I felt good. And,

when I left I said...

> And, one more point, if you run into someone that is different or odd or may

seem strange, don't make fun of them.....they may have AS or something else and

can't help the way they act.

Wow, Jan, this is so sweet! You know, some of those kids are going to remember

this. You did good. I hope someone like you works in our high school!

Ruth

April 13, 2009

Ruth – I know you are in the Houston area but I think you

are some distance from me (I am in Sugar Land). What is the name of the

organization that you have found for a social skills group? We have a great

one here (called social understanding group) which my son has attended for

several years. I think this has been one of the most beneficial for him. But,

I do know people in other areas of Houston that are looking for a similar group

and wanted to see what area you are in and what the name of the organization

is.

Regarding the school system – it is amazing to see what

stark differences there are in the same area. My son had an IEP in public

school and he also was not flunking and is considered gifted and has a very

high IQ. But, as we all know it is usually not their intelligence that is the

problem. Of course, high school was a disaster and we finally put Tyler in a

private school and had him re-do his junior year. He will graduate next month

and will be ready for community college in the fall though I don’t think

he will be able to handle more than 9 hours to start with.

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of r_woman2

Sent: April 10, 2009 03:52 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) Teen Years-Question for and anyone

else

>

> Ruth, why are you working with both? Two chldren or not sure which you

child falls under???