Re: Help! I need dh to understand what the future may hold

[Guest guest]

>

My question is for those of you with older children: What kinds of struggles

has your child gone through regarding learning and social issues as he or she

goes up in grades?

First of all, remember that kids with Asperger really are, as one poster put it,

like snowflakes, all with different neuropsychological profiles. So, as I tell

you what happened with my son now 14yo, dx'd at age 12 (although we had figured

it out a year before), keep in mind his particular weaknesses are working

memory, initiation, planning, organization (executive dysfunction), processing

speed, developmental coordination disorder, anxiety.

I'm just going to list some problems he had, not in any particular order, just

off the top of my head.

early elementary school

- cried a lot from frustration and not getting own way

- spent time stimming instead of interacting with other kids

later elementary years

- teachers started complaining about how slow (physically) he was, everything

from moving from room to room to getting class work done.

- teachers started complaining that he didn't follow directions.

- non-completion of work started to be a serious problem.

- started having problems with math. No problems learning concepts, but couldn't

generalize to similar problems, would learn things and forget like he had never

learned it, and would get thrown by wording in word problems.

- started having problems in written expression - would be too brief, has

difficulty discerning other's perspectives and discussing his opinion.

- still stimming some, thinking out loud, bothering other students.

- leaving classroom for long periods when he needed a break--would get a

restroom pass and not come back, pretend to be sick, etc.

- got bullied by both other students and teachers for his behaviors.

- didn't respond to typical consequences, leaving teachers at a loss.

- didn't ask for help when he needed it.

- theory of mind issues - couldn't tell when he needed to communicate

- non-verbal communication - wasn't aware what he was missing and neither were

teachers; they thought he was deliberately disobeying.

hr high years

- couldn't pass classes without special organizational help anymore, ie.,

prompting from teachers (not regarding content but for organizational

purposes--doesn't work on his own yet), being made to write down assignments,

constant teacher-parent communication necessary so parents can prompt through

homework.

- all of the problems of later elementary have pretty much continued although he

has worked out some things. He no longer stims or thinks out loud, doesn't

leave the classroom, has learned to give himself time to think, has learned to

socialize much better. He still doesn't work on his own, but it is not an

all-night battle like it used to be. But this is with a lot of hard work, both

on his own part and ours. So, it's not like we could have gotten away with just

leaving him to his own devices. He could be in a very bad place if we had done

that. There is a lot more, but I'm not sure how to condense it so it is

readable.

> I need for him to understand that I'm not bringing on these behaviors in her

by 'dragging her to all kinds of appointments trying to find out what is wrong

with her' as he puts it.

Something that helped with my husband was also dragging him along to some of

these appointments and having the professional explain things and him having the

chance to ask his own questions. Ditto school meetings. It won't kill your

husband to use up a little vacation/sick time this way and take off work. Part

of the reason he is in denial is because he is somewhat sheltered from the

repercussions of her problems by being at work all day.

It helps to keep telling him everything that happens too. It is easy to forget

to communicate with so much going on.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Hi! Here is our summary our daughter's diagnosis is AS with NLD.

She is 11 and in 5th grade.

We think she is wonderful, she loves pets, is fun to talk to,

looks us in the eye when she talks, has a sense of humor with us,

is always interested in something about science, nature, arts and crafts, she

stops to smell the roses, she focuses in on a few

things deeply, she is cuddly, she will dress up sometimes,

she will take interest in her appearance sometimes, she will

listen to me sometimes, she wants my opinion on everything

but also likes to argue if it wasn't what she wanted to hear,

she is very close to a girl cousin that also loves animals as much as she does.

She loves to read about animals. Learned to ride a

2 wheel bike in 4th grade.

HOWEVER, school is not a place for individuals and she has

suffered trying to fit in.

Kindergarten - 5th

Severe anticipatory anxiety in the morning develops yearly as she get

overwhelmed with the workload. And meltdowns afterschool until

we get IEP in place in 4th grade and reduce workload and provide more

assistance to her.

Spinning to calm herslef in grades K-3, she would spin to try to calm herself

which the school ignored completely until we had an IEP

in place. As she has gotten older she just refuses to go places

that are too much.

Puhished for transitioning slow and being disorganized

up until 3rd grade then we get IEP in place and she gets

in class support help her transition.

Isolated completely from other girls in 4th grade

school refuses to provide any alternate activities

at lunch or recess even with IEP, and so I pick her

up for lunch in 4th grade and she tried to cope

in 5th on her own reading books.

Anxious and upset over teacher sarcasm. Nothing we can do to

make a teacher stop. All we can do is request good teacher

matches. She had a special ed teacher in 5th grade say her

handwriting " sucks " . Where in the world do they get these

teachers?

Above average reasoning and verbal skills tests extremely well above average

still in 5th grade, which means advocacy is non stop

to keep services in place.

Social cognition deficits, the most frequent issue is talking too much about her

interests in animals and not asking others

about themselves. Gives too many mini lectures on pets.

Public school social skill programs do not teach these skills

we have to try on our own to teach her this (M. Winner curriculum).

Neuropsch test shows deficits in learning called NLD and

these concrete tests and having a lawyer involved pressured

the school to classify her .

PE is difficult. Picked on for poor skills. Yelled at for

just standing there when a ball is coming. (this is due to

visual spatial issues). We do get thru to the PE teacher.

There are limits on what school will do. Our school did a lot to help

with academics I must say in their defense to keep her grades

high. And they offered OT too. However they would only offer one general social

skill class that was not effective. And they

would do nothing about her isolation with the girls. Also

they would not do anything to reduce anxiety such as telling the teachers to

stop pressuring her so much, or telling her she

is not moving fast enough. This pushed my daughter over the

edge emotionally.

The principal of a school sets the tone of what teachers are allowed to do, even

with an IEP. If it is not written in the teachers

may not use sarcasm then there is not much you can do. And there

are limits on what you can put in an IEP.

My guess if that larger school districts may be more willing

to keep a child in there district than send them out. You may

have a sizeable group of AS like kids the big the district.

My district only has 800 kids. I have family in another

town in our state with an AS child and their experience is much

better.

good luck,

Pam

>

> My daughter who is almost 6 has AS. Like SO many of us, my husband doesn't

see what the big deal is and thinks she will outgrow these troublesome behaviors

and problems in school.

>

> My question is for those of you with older children: What kinds of struggles

has your child gone through regarding learning and social issues as he or she

goes up in grades? I need for him to understand that I'm not bringing on these

behaviors in her by 'dragging her to all kinds of appointments trying to find

out what is wrong with her' as he puts it.

>

> I want answers as to what services will help her NOW so we can possibly avoid

a tougher future. He thinks that by involving the school, I will be putting

negative attention on her, and they will automatically treat her differently,

causing her to feel even worse.

>

> I'd like to avoid having her self esteem take any more of a beating that it

naturally will. I know she needs help, and it would be a HUGE help if my husband

was on my side! I'm hoping that maybe your stories (assuming your kids weren't

diagnosed as early) will help him realize that by being proactive, we may be

able to avoid some of the heartache she is likely to go through... either that,

or we can be prepared to help her when she gets to those stages.

>

> Thanks to all of you in advance for your replies. Your experiences are

invaluable to me!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all of you. I have cut and pasted relevant info onto a word document

that I will send him as soon as I feel I have a good compilation to prove my

point(s)! You all are such a blessing

> >

> > My daughter who is almost 6 has AS. Like SO many of us, my husband doesn't

see what the big deal is and thinks she will outgrow these troublesome behaviors

and problems in school.

> >

> > My question is for those of you with older children: What kinds of

struggles has your child gone through regarding learning and social issues as he

or she goes up in grades? I need for him to understand that I'm not bringing on

these behaviors in her by 'dragging her to all kinds of appointments trying to

find out what is wrong with her' as he puts it.

> >

> > I want answers as to what services will help her NOW so we can possibly

avoid a tougher future. He thinks that by involving the school, I will be

putting negative attention on her, and they will automatically treat her

differently, causing her to feel even worse.

> >

> > I'd like to avoid having her self esteem take any more of a beating that it

naturally will. I know she needs help, and it would be a HUGE help if my husband

was on my side! I'm hoping that maybe your stories (assuming your kids weren't

diagnosed as early) will help him realize that by being proactive, we may be

able to avoid some of the heartache she is likely to go through... either that,

or we can be prepared to help her when she gets to those stages.

> >

> > Thanks to all of you in advance for your replies. Your experiences are

invaluable to me!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Andie,

I am new to AS,I to am struggling with my husband,I truely believe he has AS

as well. (No joking)I see so many symtoms in him as well. But aside from that

this is something I am dealing with myself. I thought I would share with you and

perhaps,once the reality begins to sink in for your husband you can set down and

explain; this to him..

We all have dreams for, our children we have to realize when there is

something that isn't right such as AS(not putting anyone down because of AS)it's

a hard smack in the face. I believe we have to allow the dreams we had to

die,and grieve those dreams,and once we can do that we can create goals,and

dreams again. The difference with those dreams and goals is that now AS is part

of them when they were not before. I think when we first begin to see things our

first reaction is it will pass,it's a stage,every child is different. We don't

want to face,that it's " our " child. These things happen to other people not

" us " .

I am just learning about AS,but I truely believe that we all will learn so

much from our Aspies. They are precious every one of them! We have the ability

to learn and to help guide them. Sometimes accepting the process is hard for us.

He will see,as I know my husband will as well. I hope this helps you. I know its

a tough place to be. It will all work out.

Best Regards,

>

> My daughter who is almost 6 has AS. Like SO many of us, my husband doesn't

see what the big deal is and thinks she will outgrow these troublesome behaviors

and problems in school.

>

> My question is for those of you with older children: What kinds of struggles

has your child gone through regarding learning and social issues as he or she

goes up in grades? I need for him to understand that I'm not bringing on these

behaviors in her by 'dragging her to all kinds of appointments trying to find

out what is wrong with her' as he puts it.

>

> I want answers as to what services will help her NOW so we can possibly avoid

a tougher future. He thinks that by involving the school, I will be putting

negative attention on her, and they will automatically treat her differently,

causing her to feel even worse.

>

> I'd like to avoid having her self esteem take any more of a beating that it

naturally will. I know she needs help, and it would be a HUGE help if my husband

was on my side! I'm hoping that maybe your stories (assuming your kids weren't

diagnosed as early) will help him realize that by being proactive, we may be

able to avoid some of the heartache she is likely to go through... either that,

or we can be prepared to help her when she gets to those stages.

>

> Thanks to all of you in advance for your replies. Your experiences are

invaluable to me!

>