Re: Strange Thoughts from a Desperate Mom

[Guest guest]

okay , i reaLLY NEED HELP! My son is 6 and evry one at his school seems to think he has aspergers a low grade of it. he is currently being tested for it but i have not gotten a full diagnosis yet. I need to know from parents if these actions seem like aspergers . accademicly intellegent, cussing, has to control a sitution,hiting, now these things dont happen at home but they always happen at school. last year my son was constanly sent home from kinder for banging his head and hystaricly crying, now in first grade has kicked it up a notch by cussing throwing rocks atwindows and kids ,and screaming for no reason. now this doesnt happen quite every day at school ( well crying everyday yes but teacher can sometimes calm him down). but every week iam in the pricipals dicussing his behavior that week and its only

september school just started a month ago. now at home he stays undercontrol hes a good boy, so i dont understand why this is happening at school. I have a daughter in kindergartin now and all is good at school and she has the same teacher as my son did last year who say yes she thinks he has aspergers. now my son has been seeing a counsoler who says he might on the fact that his is intellegent for his age but he doent act out there its just one on one so he is fine so theres the question mark there he is also seeing a psycologist to determine if he aspergers , so we are in the process of doing paper work and blood tests . this is so confussing to me because he acts normal on one level but socially he is enept hee is a clumsy boy but he is tall and head long he plays with other boys but he'll go and play on his own at times, he likes bossy girls tends to play with them more he can be gulliable at times but

he is 6 arent most 6 year olds gullaible? and if he does have this asperegers then what do i do to help him is it dietery is it medication he needs or can we work through it to gether aim at my wits end my husband is constanty saying they are all wrong and he is a normal ruff and tumble boy , but to day i had to go down to the pricipals office and pick up my son who was crying and cussing (which we do not condone ever) hitting teachers and he threw his shoes at the pricipal. is this normal behavior or aspergers please let me know and if so i apologise to the parents who go threw this and if not sign me up for the padded room i can use the vaction

please help i can use some advise

sincerly trying not to go crazy melissa

From: Donna <AWEtismaol (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) Strange Thoughts from a Desperate Mom Date: Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 5:00 AM

If were blind, would I expect him to see?

No, I'd give him alternate ways to "see" his world. Let him touch and smell. Describe it to him. Would I apologize for him? (Can you imagine..."Oh please forgive my son for his blindness"?? )

If my son were deaf, would I expect him to hear?

No, but I'd provide hearing aids and therapies for him to be able to function as best as he could. I would learn to be conversational in sign language so I could understand and know my son.

If my son was disabled in such a way as he could not walk, would I be angry at him that he was in a wheel chair? No. I think I would see the wheelchair as the best way for my child to enjoy life, and be able to participate.

Why then is it so hard for me to accept the behavior issues that comes with autism? Why do I expect my son to "be like the other kids" in regards to social issues? Why do I expect him to THINK and ACT like the NT Kids? Why does it embarrass and sometimes even humiliate me when he doesn't?

Would teachers be saying, (if j was blind) "Oh, gee, you're son couldn't itentify his colors AGAIN today..."

Or (if j was deaf) "No matter how many times we play the song, refuses to participate in music. He just will not sing, not ever"

Or (if j was in a wheel chair) "Once again your son would not walk to the cafeteria. I mean...all the other kids his age are able to walk and carry their own trays. But he just stays in his chair..."

But I am forced to hear about all the behavior issues, almost daily, and then feel like for some reason I need to do better, discipline more, talk more, find the magic wand that will "fix" him.

Why is it different?

I will ponder this today...

[Guest guest]

Don't get me wrong. If I could wish this all away, it would be gone in a heartbeat. I just don't blame myself anymore b/c I know I'm doing the best I can do with a less than ideal situation. By not putting the blame on myself, I can focus on the things I can do to help him. It sounds kind of simple, but I think a lot of parents on here probably carry these huge mountains of guilt on our shoulders and we need to just stop. The worse you feel about yourself the less you take good care of yourself and the less you take good care of yourself, the worse you feel about yourself! You have to jump off that merry-go-round and at least give yourself a mental break. I highly recommend exercising most days of the week too. It's a great way to do something nice

for yourself and also work off a lot of these negative/anxious feelings at the same time.

Re: ( ) Strange Thoughts from a Desperate Mom

I completely agree with you and feel the very same way about my 5-year-old. It is very hard for me sometimes not to just get frustrated over why he doesnt' "get" that it's not ok to scream in the middle of a quiet conversation, not OK to grab a toy from his brother's hands and not Ok to push a younger kid in the pl,ayground. It's very, very hard to not feel like the worst mother in the room, to wonder if and how much my friends are judging my parenting skills and to not see the "thank goodness that's not my child" looks on everyone else's face. My husband says I make up some of this out of my own anxiety and insecurity and he's probably right, but damn it if somedays I don't wish he had some other type of more visible disability - like being in a wheelchair - instead of something that handicaps his ability to be social. Of all of the disabilities out there I think this one is among the most cruel.

On 9/24/08, Donna <AWEtismaol (DOT) com> wrote:

If were blind, would I expect him to see?

No, I'd give him alternate ways to "see" his world. Let him touch and smell. Describe it to him. Would I apologize for him? (Can you imagine..."Oh please forgive my son for his blindness"??)

If my son were deaf, would I expect him to hear?

No, but I'd provide hearing aids and therapies for him to be able to function as best as he could. I would learn to be conversational in sign language so I could understand and know my son.

If my son was disabled in such a way as he could not walk, would I be angry at him that he was in a wheel chair? No. I think I would see the wheelchair as the best way for my child to enjoy life, and be able to participate.

Why then is it so hard for me to accept the behavior issues that comes with autism? Why do I expect my son to "be like the other kids" in regards to social issues? Why do I expect him to THINK and ACT like the NT Kids? Why does it embarrass and sometimes even humiliate me when he doesn't?

Would teachers be saying, (if j was blind) "Oh, gee, you're son couldn't itentify his colors AGAIN today..."

Or (if j was deaf) "No matter how many times we play the song, refuses to participate in music. He just will not sing, not ever"

Or (if j was in a wheel chair) "Once again your son would not walk to the cafeteria. I mean...all the other kids his age are able to walk and carry their own trays. But he just stays in his chair..."

But I am forced to hear about all the behavior issues, almost daily, and then feel like for some reason I need to do better, discipline more, talk more, find the magic wand that will "fix" him.

Why is it different?

I will ponder this today...

[Guest guest]

P.S. May I share this with others? I think it would help a lot of

other parents relate to similar feelings.

No problem. Feel free to share!

Donna

[Guest guest]

That's why my 12yr old aspie son is being homeschooled - he's being

educated in a supportive and understanding environment w/ hiss aspie

dad instead of the artificial environment of school. (Do YOU work with

people the same age as you?

>

> If were blind, would I expect him to see? No, I'd give him

> alternate ways to " see " his world. Let him touch and smell. Describe

> it to him. Would I apologize for him? (Can you imagine... " Oh please

> forgive my son for his blindness " ??) If my son were deaf, would I

> expect him to hear? No, but I'd provide hearing aids and therapies for

> him to be able to function as best as he could. I would learn to be

> conversational in sign language so I could understand and know my son.

> If my son was disabled in such a way as he could not walk, would I be

> angry at him that he was in a wheel chair? No. I think I would see the

> wheelchair as the best way for my child to enjoy life, and be able to

> participate. Why then is it so hard for me to accept the behavior

> issues that comes with autism? Why do I expect my son to " be like the

> other kids " in regards to social issues? Why do I expect him to THINK

> and ACT like the NT Kids? Why does it embarrass and sometimes even

> humiliate me when he doesn't? Would teachers be saying, (if j was

> blind) " Oh, gee, you're son couldn't itentify his colors AGAIN today... "

> Or (if j was deaf) " No matter how many times we play the song,

> refuses to participate in music. He just will not sing, not ever " Or

> (if j was in a wheel chair) " Once again your son would not walk to the

> cafeteria. I mean...all the other kids his age are able to walk and

> carry their own trays. But he just stays in his chair... " But I am

> forced to hear about all the behavior issues, almost daily, and then

> feel like for some reason I need to do better, discipline more, talk

> more, find the magic wand that will " fix " him. Why is it different?

> I will ponder this today...

>

[Guest guest]

You need to request a "functional behavior assessment" from the school.

RoxannaYou're UniqueJust like everyone else...

( ) Strange Thoughts from a Desperate Mom Date: Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 5:00 AM

If were blind, would I expect him to see?

No, I'd give him alternate ways to "see" his world. Let him touch and smell. Describe it to him. Would I apologize for him? (Can you imagine..."Oh please forgive my son for his blindness"?? )

If my son were deaf, would I expect him to hear?

No, but I'd provide hearing aids and therapies for him to be able to function as best as he could. I would learn to be conversational in sign language so I could understand and know my son.

If my son was disabled in such a way as he could not walk, would I be angry at him that he was in a wheel chair? No. I think I would see the wheelchair as the best way for my child to enjoy life, and be able to participate.

Why then is it so hard for me to accept the behavior issues that comes with autism? Why do I expect my son to "be like the other kids" in regards to social issues? Why do I expect him to THINK and ACT like the NT Kids? Why does it embarrass and sometimes even humiliate me when he doesn't?

Would teachers be saying, (if j was blind) "Oh, gee, you're son couldn't itentify his colors AGAIN today..."

Or (if j was deaf) "No matter how many times we play the song, refuses to participate in music. He just will not sing, not ever"

Or (if j was in a wheel chair) "Once again your son would not walk to the cafeteria. I mean...all the other kids his age are able to walk and carry their own trays. But he just stays in his chair..."

But I am forced to hear about all the behavior issues, almost daily, and then feel like for some reason I need to do better, discipline more, talk more, find the magic wand that will "fix" him.

Why is it different?

I will ponder this today...

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.169 / Virus Database: 270.7.2/1689 - Release Date: 9/24/2008 6:51 PM

[Guest guest]

Perfect! I have added it to the poetry section of the chromosome 18

site built in memory of my daughter and others with the rare genetic

disorder.

Thank you!!

Velvet

http://www.tetrasomy18p.ca/

>

> P.S. May I share this with others? I think it would help a lot of

> other parents relate to similar feelings.

>

> No problem. Feel free to share!

> Donna

>

[Guest guest]

HI,

It is what it is. We are not bad parents, they are not bad kids. I used to get embarrassed by my child's behaviors until I understood why he did what he does--or as much as possible. Then I was embarrassed by the adults who couldn't deal with his behaviors.....in the grocery store, in Target, at the department store, at the pool...you know. Then I got pissed at them for their behavior toward my child and me and I got prepared for my response--sometimes it didn't come out as eloquently as other times, but that was o.k. too. I have a variety that I keep stored in the back of my brain, it is fun to run down them sometimes.

I even turn around the situation and it becomes a teaching experience. One lady this spring was running all over the pool area when we were on vacation blabbing about how my son did xyz--AS stuff, childish stuff he was a new 14 yr. old. I let her for awhile, then she caught up with me. I let her try to demean me, then I explained it wasn't what she thought, asked her if she knew what Autism was or Aspergers, she didn't..then a man approached---I thought I was done--2 on one. He told her she was wrong, my son wasn't bothering him....he knew about AS, and told her she was ill behaved...but she listened! She realized she was wrong, she took a step back, started crying, and learned a lesson for which she was grateful---so was I.

That is what it is all about-----educating those that are not as knowledgeable, and hopefully making this place a bit better for our children. The others in the world we have to step around and walk past. I had to get over myself for the sake of my child and not be embarassed by his behavior, and teach him a different way. Sometimes it is aggrivating, but he is my son and I won't be embarassed by him--he means too much to me. Cheers!

Kirsten Hargis

[Guest guest]

Good for you!!!! You make me PROUD!!!!!

Jan

Jan Rushen

Smile because it is contagious!!!!

From: Kirsten Hargis <k_hargis2004@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Strange Thoughts from a Desperate Mom Date: Thursday, September 25, 2008, 5:43 PM

HI,

It is what it is. We are not bad parents, they are not bad kids. I used to get embarrassed by my child's behaviors until I understood why he did what he does--or as much as possible. Then I was embarrassed by the adults who couldn't deal with his behaviors... ..in the grocery store, in Target, at the department store, at the pool...you know. Then I got pissed at them for their behavior toward my child and me and I got prepared for my response--sometimes it didn't come out as eloquently as other times, but that was o.k. too. I have a variety that I keep stored in the back of my brain, it is fun to run down them sometimes.

I even turn around the situation and it becomes a teaching experience. One lady this spring was running all over the pool area when we were on vacation blabbing about how my son did xyz--AS stuff, childish stuff he was a new 14 yr. old. I let her for awhile, then she caught up with me. I let her try to demean me, then I explained it wasn't what she thought, asked her if she knew what Autism was or Aspergers, she didn't..then a man approached-- -I thought I was done--2 on one. He told her she was wrong, my son wasn't bothering him....he knew about AS, and told her she was ill behaved...but she listened! She realized she was wrong, she took a step back, started crying, and learned a lesson for which she was grateful---so was I.

That is what it is all about-----educating those that are not as knowledgeable, and hopefully making this place a bit better for our children. The others in the world we have to step around and walk past. I had to get over myself for the sake of my child and not be embarassed by his behavior, and teach him a different way. Sometimes it is aggrivating, but he is my son and I won't be embarassed by him--he means too much to me. Cheers!

Kirsten Hargis

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kirsten...wonderful thoughts.

Donna

>

>

> HI,

> It is what it is.  We are not bad parents, they are not bad kids. 

I used to get embarrassed by my child's behaviors until I understood

why he did what he does--or as much as possible.  Then I was

embarrassed by the adults who couldn't deal with his behaviors.....in

the grocery store, in Target, at the department store, at the

pool...you know.  Then I got pissed at them for their behavior toward

my child and me and I got prepared for my response--sometimes it

didn't come out as eloquently as other times, but that was o.k. too. 

I have a variety that I keep stored in the back of my brain, it is

fun to run down them sometimes. 

> I even turn around the situation and it becomes a teaching

experience.  One lady this spring was running all over the pool area

when we were on vacation blabbing about how my son did xyz--AS stuff,

childish stuff he was a new 14 yr. old.  I let her for awhile, then

she caught up with me.  I let her try to demean me, then I explained

it wasn't what she thought, asked her if she knew what Autism was or

Aspergers, she didn't..then a man approached---I thought I was done--

2 on one.  He told her she was wrong, my son wasn't bothering

him....he knew about AS, and told her she was ill behaved...but she

listened!  She realized she was wrong, she took a step back, started

crying, and learned a lesson for which she was grateful---so was I. 

> That is what it is all about-----educating those that are not as

knowledgeable, and hopefully making this place a bit better for our

children.  The others in the world we have to step around and walk

past.  I had to get over myself for the sake of my child and not be

embarassed by his behavior, and teach him a different way.  Sometimes

it is aggrivating, but he is my son and I won't be embarassed by him--

he means too much to me. 

> Cheers!

> Kirsten Hargis

>