Re: Re: One more try...

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Hey Ginger thanks for responding...

>>I would encourage you to take your son to a mental health professional. With the stress of things with your son's grandparents, he needs to have someone to talk to. He lashes out at you because he knows you will love him no matter what, and he has difficulty as it is to express his fears, sadness, and anger; let alone dealing with the declining health of his grandparents. <<

I think you're right on the mark...How to go about finding the right person is proving to be a little difficult though. I have tried googling and come up with a couple of people who claim to work with AS kids, but then turn out to not have seen many in practice. Frustrating...I just wish I knew someone who could give me a referral. His ped knows no one who specializes in AS.

>>If you can find someone who can teach him to cope with these emotions, medication does not have to be the answer. But if he continues to get physically violent, you need to protect yourself, your family, and him. Sometimes the only way to do that is medication.<<

When I brought up seeing a threapist he was very concerned about being given medication so that's going to be a battle. One that I will, of course, engage in if necessary...I just won't be looking forward to it.<<And take care of yourself! It's hard when you are a single parent, with ill parents, and a special needs child.<<

Oh boy...between work and home I feel like I'm taking care of myself if I manage eight hours of sleep. Does that count? lol

>> Believe me, I understand. I'm a single parent of three special needs children, and my dad just spent the last year in and out of the hospital five seperate times. Last year, before my dad got sick, I had an emotional collapse. My middle son was in daily rages and depression, I honestly feared he would kill me and his siblings while we slept. I SOOOO did not want him on meds. But I was so scared he'd hurt us, or get taken away from me and put in a hospital himself. Now that he is on meds, things have improved drastically. Even he, at the age of seven, can tell and appreciate the fact that the meds are helping him.<<

I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through, but am glad to hear that you've found treatment that is helpding your son.>>Anyway, do you have someone you trust (meaning not someone you also worry about like your dad) who is able to spend time with your son so you can get a break?<<

My son spends every other weekend with his father and his other grandmother (he won't stay with my ex alone because he's afraid of him...anger issues...though he's never hurt my son in any way). When my son is away for the weekend I spend my time doing curriculum planning, work, etc so I do have time when I can concentrate on what I need to get done. It helps.

>>One other thing--definately talk to the doctor about your son hitting his back. It could be a compulsive thing tied up with his anxiety, there really could be something wrong with his back or kidneys, or if he can't control it, Tourette's could be developing.<<

Good point about talking to his ped. I never even considered that there could be real physical reasons for his hitting. >>I do hope something in here may have helped you. Please take care of yourself!<<Thank you Ginger. You take care of your self too! I can only imagine doing this times three...I'm not sure I could do it...

From: gngrbnks <gngrbnks@...>Subject: ( ) Re: One more try... Date: Thursday, June 4, 2009, 9:11 PM

I read your post. I'm still new at this AS stuff, but not new in issues of mental health. I would encourage you to take your son to a mental health professional. With the stress of things with your son's grandparents, he needs to have someone to talk to. He lashes out at you because he knows you will love him no matter what, and he has difficulty as it is to express his fears, sadness, and anger; let alone dealing with the declining health of his grandparents. If you can find someone who can teach him to cope with these emotions, medication does not have to be the answer. But if he continues to get physically violent, you need to protect yourself, your family, and him. Sometimes the only way to do that is medication.And take care of yourself! It's hard when you are a single parent, with ill parents, and a special needs child. Believe me, I understand. I'm a single parent of three special needs children, and my dad just spent the last year in

and out of the hospital five seperate times. Last year, before my dad got sick, I had an emotional collapse. My middle son was in daily rages and depression, I honestly feared he would kill me and his siblings while we slept. I SOOOO did not want him on meds. But I was so scared he'd hurt us, or get taken away from me and put in a hospital himself. Now that he is on meds, things have improved drastically. Even he, at the age of seven, can tell and appreciate the fact that the meds are helping him.Anyway, do you have someone you trust (meaning not someone you also worry about like your dad) who is able to spend time with your son so you can get a break? Do you have a support system of your own? I see you homeschool, and that is great! Just remember its okay for you and your son to take breaks from each other. Before last year, I never understood that.One other thing--definately talk to the doctor about your son hitting his back. It could

be a compulsive thing tied up with his anxiety, there really could be something wrong with his back or kidneys, or if he can't control it, Tourette's could be developing.I do hope something in here may have helped you. Please take care of yourself!Ginger>> I've posted a couple of times, but not gotten much in the way of a response...I' m thinking I've been guilty of being either overly specific or not specific enough depending on which post you've read, lol. So here's another attempt at perhaps being a bit more focused as to what's going on/what we need help with. > > Here's our situation... I am a single parent of one ds 12 (AS/ADHD/HG) . Until this school

year he was enrolled in a special program for GT/LD students at two good public schools (elementary and then one year at middle). We have had to move back to the area we were previously living and where ds had a very,very, very (I could go on but you get the idea) bad experience in the public school system. As a result we have been homeschooling this year and will continue next year as well. We moved back to help out my parents (my dad is helping out as well by being with ds on days I am at work). > > We have had a very tough past nearly four years as a family, first with my father hospitalized waiting for a heart and then being exteremely sick and needing multiple other dangerous surgeries after the transplant. When he first got so sick that he had to be in the hospital I began getting calls at work from my mother who was lost attempting to drive to the hospital to see my father. This is when we realized my mother was in early stages

of Alzheimer's. I ended up taking what I thought would be a short leave of absence from work which turned into a two and a half year drama. > > Dad is doing well physically now, but mom is slipping fast even with medication. Anyway, all this to explain that my son is very close to both of his grandparents and through all the stress and drama seemed to be handling things remarkably well until about midway though last school year. > > He is becoming oppositional and showing signs of stress. I thought being out of school would help alleviate the problem, but it is continuing to get worse rather than better. > > Some of the behaviors of concern are: he has begun having meltdowns sometimes when he doesn't get what he wants, these meltdowns include screaming (I'm in constant fear that the neighbors are going to call social services he's so loud), hitting me, hitting himself, throwing things and destroying things.

The things he destroys are always things he specifically knows are important to me or very hard to replace. He has begin crying a lot for seemingly no reason...he says he's having mood swings and he doesn't know why, he's begun hitting himself in the small of the back nearly continually. ..he says it's because his back feels weird and it's the only thing that makes it feel better. BTW most of our arguments are about food, but he also seems to bring it up just to initiate an argument...like he wants confrontation. .. > > He is not on meds and never really has been except for a period of about a year when he was much younger and had just been diagnosed with ADHD (AS was suspected at that time, but no one wanted to commit to that diagnosis... it seems like his IQ confused the issue...like many of the professionals we saw thought maybe his high IQ was behind the behaviors..is this common? I've often wondered if others have had this

experience). He also has never had ongoing couseling because he never seemed to need it. He had SLT (for social skills) and OT (private and in school), but nothing else really. > > At this point I'm just confused and feeling unprepared for this as he seemed to be doing so well for so long. I think he and I need to see a specialist, but I'm not sure who to see or what kind of questions to ask when looking for someone to help. Any advice would be appreciated at this point. > > Oh also let me say thanks to the ladies who responded to my original post several weeks ago asking about if we attend church and apologize for not responding individually. I am in the process of putting together a Team America Rocketry Challenge team in addition to everything else going on so I've been filling the hours I have free in the day with that! > > Thanks again for any help you may have to offer.> >

Kim> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry>

[Guest guest]

I was thinking along the same line, see a mental health therapist. There's a lot that's happened and then the daily stuff too I imagine. My mom has dementia and is presently in a nursing home the past year. But we lived with her before that and there were just some rough times/days dealing with the changes over time. Really, sometimes I didn't know how much everything was bothering me, would seem to just "catch up" sometimes and I'd get teary or moody, etc. So maybe your son, in addition to his "age" and hormones, etc., is feeling a bit of everything "catching up" to him too. >>What with your dad, your mom and just everyday "life," could your son be somewhat bored too? is he getting out much with activities of any kind or is it more staying at

home?<<

Absolutely, I do think he is bored. My dad is willing to take him places and participating in the many homeschool activities available, but ds refuses to go with him. He has pretty bad social anxiety. However, I have recently taken the steps of starting two competition teams (rocketry and robotics) and he has started meeing some kids. He's more open to going to some of the other events if he knows someone there. I'm hopefully that this will help.

>>Though he may be more of a "couch potato" like my AS son was growing up (he's 20 now) and didn't have any friends to do things with, so I know that can be difficult. My other 2 sons had more to do, activities, etc., but seemed content with TV, video games, etc.<<

Liam wants friends very much, but is also very academically orientated which for him means he could easily spend all day reading, doing math, and researching in his area of special interest (which happens to be particle physics and string theory). >>Anyway, giving him a therapist who works with youth could give him someone to talk to, vent to, etc. Also some places offer family therapy so could work with you both on things, whatever is causing your son to change his behavior.<<

I'm looking for one, but am having a hard time figuring out who would be good to go to. I've got nothing in the way of recommendations to go on. I was hoping his ped would know someone, but he doesn't seem to know anyone who works with AS kids.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It is much appreciated.

From: <@...>Subject: ( ) Re: One more try... Date: Thursday, June 4, 2009, 10:44 PM

I was thinking along the same line, see a mental health therapist. There's a lot that's happened and then the daily stuff too I imagine. My mom has dementia and is presently in a nursing home the past year. But we lived with her before that and there were just some rough times/days dealing with the changes over time. Really, sometimes I didn't know how much everything was bothering me, would seem to just "catch up" sometimes and I'd get teary or moody, etc. So maybe your son, in addition to his "age" and hormones, etc., is feeling a bit of everything "catching up" to him too. What with your dad, your mom and just everyday "life," could your son be somewhat bored too? is he getting out much with activities of any kind or is it more staying at home? Though he may be more of a "couch potato" like my AS son was growing up (he's 20 now) and didn't have any friends to do things with, so I know that can be difficult. My other 2 sons had more to do,

activities, etc., but seemed content with TV, video games, etc. Anyway, giving him a therapist who works with youth could give him someone to talk to, vent to, etc. Also some places offer family therapy so could work with you both on things, whatever is causing your son to change his behavior.>> I read your post. I'm still new at this AS stuff, but not new in issues of mental health. I would encourage you to take your son to a mental health professional. With the stress of things with your son's grandparents, he needs to have someone to talk to. He lashes out at you because he knows you will love him no matter what, and he has difficulty as it is

to express his fears, sadness, and anger; let alone dealing with the declining health of his grandparents. If you can find someone who can teach him to cope with these emotions, medication does not have to be the answer. But if he continues to

[Guest guest]

>>There is such a mix with AS and OCD/anixety symptoms. It soundslike anxiety is very high.<<

I suspect the same.

>>We have a script for prozac but have not started yet. Chicken mostly. Someone needs to kick me ...oh yes my kid is doing that already Our therapist keeps saying it will help take the edge off and he can't do much with her in this high anxiety state.<<

I have to say the idea of meds makes ME anxious. We did a trial of Strattera back when it fist came out for ADHD and my son actually did awful on it including suicidal thoughts. It was awful. >>I do think making life predictable helps. Rehearsing behaviors wanted. <<

I do try to make sure my son knows what to expect as much as possible, and that does seem to help. Unfortunately life has a way becoming unpredictable, especially with all the balls in the air that we all have to juggle. I definitely notice an uptick in issue when plans get derailed.

>>I can tell you Yale Child Study Center has a Parent management training on the phone from CT. I have not tried this yet. It is a behavior modification program.<<

This is something I will look into. It seems like I should be able to find something local though...Of course with our schedule it might be very convenient and useful to have a phone resource.

>> Sometimes I am so desperate you really want someone to help. My daughter did reduce her biting of me but it took about 3 months.. Our therapist did tell her to stop it.It seemed to help to have someone else talking to her too. But she yells through the therapy session like she was getting killed.<<

I think my son would really respond to an outside opinion...although I can totally see my son screaming through an entire therapy session also! At least it would be someone else getting yelled at for a change of pace.

>>The whole therapy today was about how she waits a dog. <<

My son's desperate for a dog too. I've told him that I won't bring an animal into the house until he can stop the outbursts though, because it would be scary for the dog and that wouldn't be fair. I was hopeful that he would be able to hold that though when he starts to loose it but no success so far.

>>Since you are a single Mom with a son I would look to a man therapist. He could tell him to stop hitting Mom. Our therapist does this for me. make sure you get a therapist that specializes in childhood anxiety AS OCD. These folks understand. Don't see people that are in family practices I am sure some are greatbut AS kids are difficult to treat.<<

This is what I needed to hear...It'll help me focus my search more..

>> There are some AS behavioristsout there.<<

How do you find them though? I've googled and come up empty handed...

>> I would focus on all this hitting etc. And reducing anxiety if you are willing with meds start very very low. He is hitting himself, a MD will give him something. Make sure they take it slow and low dose.<<

I don't want to start there (with meds), but am open to ending up there if necessary. I'm still hopefully that we can work through this some other way though >>Hope this helps alitle. We can talk some more about behaviors if you like and waht you have tried. My daughter is very similiar.<<

It helpd quite a bit...thank you so much.

From: susanonderko <susanonderko@...>Subject: ( ) Re: One more try... Date: Thursday, June 4, 2009, 9:00 PM

Hi! My daughter is very similar. So sorry to hear about all the stress. > We have had a very tough past nearly four years as a family, first with my father hospitalized waiting for a heart and then being exteremely sick and needing multiple other dangerous surgeries after the transplant. When he first got so sick that he had to be in the hospital I began getting calls at work from my mother who was lost attempting to drive to the hospital to see my father. This is when we realized my mother was in early stages of Alzheimer's. I ended up taking what I thought would be a short leave of absence from work which turned into a two and a half year drama. >I know I had the same situation. These kids do best in structured settings. But it is hard to find. > He is becoming oppositional and showing signs of stress. I thought being out of school would help alleviate the problem, but it is continuing to get worse rather than

better. There is such a mix with AS and OCD/anixety symptoms. It soundslike anxiety is very high. We have a script for prozac but have not started yet. Chicken mostly. Someone needs to kick me ...oh yes my kid is doing that already Our therapist keeps saying it will help take the edge off and he can't do much with her in this high anxiety state. I do think making life predictable helps. Rehearsing behaviors wanted. I can tell you Yale Child Study Center has a Parent management training on the phone from CT. I have not tried this yet. It is a behavior modification program. Sometimes I am so desperate you really want someone to help. My daughter did reduce her biting of me but it took about 3 months. Our therapist did tell her to stop it.It seemed to help to have someone else talking to her too. But she yells through the therapy session like she was getting killed. The whole therapy today was about

how she waits a dog. Our therapist did manage to ask her when she would cooperate with medication and he did talk to her about her fears with it. > Some of the behaviors of concern are: he has begun having meltdowns sometimes when he doesn't get what he wants, these meltdowns include screaming (I'm in constant fear that the neighbors are going to call social services he's so loud), hitting me, hitting himself, throwing things and destroying things. The things he destroys are always things he specifically knows are important to me or very hard to replace. He has begin crying a lot for seemingly no reason...he says he's having mood swings and he doesn't know why, he's begun hitting himself in the small of the back nearly continually. ..he says it's because his back feels weird and it's the only thing that makes it feel better. BTW most of our arguments are about food, but he also seems to bring it up just to initiate an argument...like he wants

confrontation. .. > Is what common? AS kids usually have high verbal and reasoningskills and lower processing speed. > He is not on meds and never really has been except for a period of about a year when he was much younger and had just been diagnosed with ADHD (AS was suspected at that time, but no one wanted to commit to that diagnosis... it seems like his IQ confused the issue...like many of the professionals we saw thought maybe his high IQ was behind the behaviors..is this common? I've often wondered if others have had this experience). He also has never had ongoing couseling because he never seemed to need it. He had SLT (for social skills) and OT (private and in school), but nothing else really. > Since you are a single Mom with a son I would look to a man therapist. He could tell him to stop hitting Mom. Our therapist does this for me. make sure you get a therapist that specializes in

childhood anxiety AS OCD. These folks understand. Don't see people that are in family practices I am sure some are greatbut AS kids are difficult to treat. There are some AS behavioristsout there. I would focus on all this hitting etc. And reducing anxiety if you are willing with meds start very very low. He is hitting himself, a MD will give him something. Make sure they take it slow and low dose. Hope this helps alitle. We can talk some more about behaviors if you like and waht you have tried. My daughter is very similiar. Pam > At this point I'm just confused and feeling unprepared for this as he seemed to be doing so well for so long. I think he and I need to see a specialist, but I'm not sure who to see or what kind of questions to ask when looking for someone to help. Any advice would be appreciated at this point. > > Oh also let me say thanks to the ladies who responded to

my original post several weeks ago asking about if we attend church and apologize for not responding individually. I am in the process of putting together a Team America Rocketry Challenge team in addition to everything else going on so I've been filling the hours I have free in the day with that! > > Thanks again for any help you may have to offer.> > Kim> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry>

[Guest guest]

>>Please don't feel that you have to manage all of this on your own. You need to seek out support in your community. Talk to your parents' doctor about support services for them. Is there respite care available for your Mom? Are there any in-home services that your parents can access to help your father cope with your mother? If you can get supports in place for them, it will lessen your load.<<

They do have long-term care insurance and will be able to have an aide come in, but she's at the stage where that would cause much more stress than it's worth. She's not wandering yet and is still knows us. IT's her short-term memory and cognitive skills that are shot. She can't set the table anymore and has difficulty managing eating a sandwich or serving herself from a plate...the food usually ends up half on the plate and half on the table, but she gets very angry if anyone tries to help her.

>>You need to seek out a psychiatrist who is experienced with kids with AS/ADHD. Talk to your son's pediatrician about ALL of your problems, put him in the picture, so that he can get you the help you need. S/he may know of a local support group for parents with kids with AS/ADHD.<<

I'm having trouble getting a referral from our ped. He doesn't seem too tuned in to the AS community. I'm not able to find anyone on my own though either. >>My son is 13, and was only dx'ed last year. We had him assessed by OT's, SLP's, educational psych's from age 7, and NO ONE even suggested AS or ADHD. His IQ is so high, that the school thought he was "just bored". So I know how frustrating it can be to finally have that dx and wonder "what if" about early intervention.<<

Exactly...I feel like I missed valuable opportunities,,,

>>I think that in my son's case, puberty is adding to his difficulties with anxiety and self esteem. Your son has so much to deal with, as well as entering puberty!<<

Yep..and I try to keep this all in mind when he's acting out. He's dealig with so much at once.>>All of the other advice is wonderful. Please don't hesitate to get help for everyone in your family. Most importantly, take some time for yourself! The old adage of "affix your oxygen mask, BEFORE assisting others" is so relevant to our lives.<<

Time for myself these days mean getting a full eight hours of sleep, lol...I do need a vacation (only 110 days to go for that...not that I'm keeping track or anything).

Thanks so much for the response. All great advice from everyone who has responded and if nothing else, it's just a relief to know that we're not alone...

From: kyliemonty <kyliemonty@...>Subject: ( ) Re: One more try... Date: Friday, June 5, 2009, 1:26 PM

Kim,Please don't feel that you have to manage all of this on your own. You need to seek out support in your community. Talk to your parents' doctor about support services for them. Is there respite care available for your Mom? Are there any in-home services that your parents can access to help your father cope with your mother? If you can get supports in place for them, it will lessen your load.You need to seek out a psychiatrist who is experienced with kids with AS/ADHD. Talk to your son's pediatrician about ALL of your problems, put him in the picture, so that he can get you the help you need. S/he may know of a local support group for parents with kids with AS/ADHD.My son is 13, and was only dx'ed last year. We had him assessed by OT's, SLP's, educational psych's from age 7, and NO ONE even suggested AS or ADHD. His IQ is so high, that the school thought he was "just bored". So I know how frustrating it can be to finally

have that dx and wonder "what if" about early intervention. We have to deal with the situation as it evolves and we have just started meds for ADHD, after resisting that route for more than a year.I think that in my son's case, puberty is adding to his difficulties with anxiety and self esteem. Your son has so much to deal with, as well as entering puberty!All of the other advice is wonderful. Please don't hesitate to get help for everyone in your family. Most importantly, take some time for yourself! The old adage of "affix your oxygen mask, BEFORE assisting others" is so relevant to our lives.All the best,Kylie