Re: Mina--Neighbor reactions/family

[Guest guest]

Hi , I have tears in my eyes when I read your email. I'm an extrovert so having people pull away has been a real source of sadness for me. My experience is that people don't want to be bothered if a child takes a little extra work. My son is 16. At the age of 5, when kids started going to school and making new friends, that is when kids stopped tolerating my son's differences.

I could talk to other parents about it and I did, they would make other excuses why their child didn't want to play with mine anymore. After awhile, I couldn't continue to chase after people who didn't want to stay connected.

Also, even though my son couldn't help some of the behaviors, he had to take responsibility for it. The world doesn't take his brain differences into consideration when he does things people don't like or what he does is against the law.

I have learned to stay connected to friends who have children with special needs. Thanks for being here.

Jody

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi

( ) Mina--Neighbor reactions/family

Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close

friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with

each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about

early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing>

> their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom

hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.>

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With my boys, fortunately, neither of them are aggressive, so we don't tend to have that particular problem with other children. BUT, , who's almost 4, has no impulse control, and tends to bolt if you let go of him, even if you are telling him the whole time to "stay with Mommy". So it limits the places I can go with the children, because with 4, and 3 who need hands-held or to be carried, I just can't do it. I can't take Mitch to any activity where he could get away...all outdoor areas need to be fenced in or I'll have to hold his hand the whole time. Friends often don't understand why I refuse activities, like taking the kids to the park, or to fireworks, or to T-ball, but even when I explain over and over they don't "get" it. I even have one play-group acquaintance who even when told that will run away and that she needs to WATCH him closely so I can run into the house for a minute, totally did not pay any attention to him, and he was down by the road by the time I came back out. This happened TWICE, and then I decided she was NOT trustworthy, even though she had been reminded each time. Fortunately last spring we fenced in part of our backyard (we've got 2 acres, so couldn't do the whole thing!), so it's not a concern anymore, as long as he's not allowed out of the fenced area.But, I get a lot of looks when we are out in public, because is not trustworthy to walk alone, and usually is put into a cart because it's just easier. And he's a big boy...tall, built stocky, and while only turning 4 this month, is in 4/5 boys clothes. So he looks like he *should* be behaving. But I tend to just ignore those people, because I know that he's not misbehaving because of ME. Even though people might think that I'm a bad mom and THAT'S why he's acting out, I know better.If these neighbors are friends, or at least friendly, you could try to explain to them that you suspect that the boys are ASD/AS and that you are in the process of getting them tested for an official diagnosis. With some, it will probably help them be more understanding/forgiving when one of the boys acts out. But there WILL be others who just choose to not associate with you, and that's ok. Not everyone is going to be able to deal with the possibility that their kid could get hurt emotionally/physically if they play with your kids, even if they understand WHY your child is acting out.Speaking about unDx'd AS, I wonder how many of us parents who are shy/introverted, smart, etc. (for example I was hyperlexic as a kid and have an IQ in the 140's), would have been dx'd as AS had we been kids now? I see traits in me both now and in childhood that seem suspiciously like mild AS, and the same with DH. And then we wonder why we have two ASD kiddos...LOL. It makes me wonder how much of the increase in ASD dx's are because people with mild ASD are marrying people who are like them, who are likely mild ASD as well. Anyhoo...getting off track...LOL. My best advice to you is to remember that is your children are ASD, their behavior is NOT your fault, whether or not people think otherwise.Mina Mina SmolinskiMommy to: 9/25/02 5/13/04Owen 7/1/05Lila 3/3/07 On May 5, 2008, at 7:02 AM, sbarb33 wrote:Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.>

[Guest guest]

Jody, I have to agree with what you wrote 100% !. What I've noticed with our situation is that the children that play with mine also have special needs. and the kids with special needs are the ones their parents don't want to address. I find myself correcting my kids and theirs. So far, when I went to the parents to let them know about the language their kids are using and how their kids are behaving - they do talk to them and the kids will try to get along again. but now, I see those kids just hanging out with each other and not include mine. (which ain't a bad thing). seems like they (parents) don't mind their behaviors and just send them all outside unsupervised. So for now, I keep my kids busy doing events that happen at the park, boys & girls club, other programs etc.... I would love for them to have their own friends, but without me having to supervises other kids.

ex: I don't think a 10 year old should have the language that he has...or get so physical just because someone doesn't want to play the same way he does. things like that. I supervise and correct my own kids. I feel their parents should do the same for theirs....these kids are always available, always outside. As for the kids who are (in that protective bubble) their parents arrange their playdates at their homes and pick/screen/interview who will come over. (special needs not included). JMO RoseJody Tompros <jodytompros@...> wrote: Hi , I have tears in my eyes when I read your email. I'm an extrovert so having people pull away has been a real source of sadness for me. My experience is that people don't want to be bothered if a child takes a little extra work. My son is 16. At the age of 5, when kids started going to school and making new friends, that is when kids stopped tolerating my son's differences. I could talk to other parents about it and I did, they would make other excuses why their child didn't want to play with mine anymore. After awhile, I couldn't continue to chase after people who didn't want to stay connected. Also, even though my son couldn't help some of the behaviors, he had to take responsibility for it. The world doesn't

take his brain differences into consideration when he does things people don't like or what he does is against the law. I have learned to stay connected to friends who have children with special needs. Thanks for being here. Jody "Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi ( ) Mina--Neighbor reactions/family Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and

sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even

if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any

input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart,

having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so

afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.> Be a better friend,

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Mina, if you don't mind me jumping in.... I've been working with my son diligently with organization and social skills I haven't been posting much. But I can relate with you the way you described your 4 year old. My son was the same way. And my daughter is a year younger and they would both take off in opposite directions. LOL. but T.G. my daughter would listen when I called her. My son NEVER did. So, while walking the busy crowded Manhattan sidewalks, I had them in a twin stroller. but when they reached that age where the stroller wasn't working anymore. I put them on a ' child's leash '. Toys R us - sells the ones that Velcro around their wrists or a harness type. both work awesome...they worked great in the malls too or crowded subways. Now you might get those looks from a few people. who cares ! your child is safe. and you'll get lots of " I had that for

my children too". maybe you can find them on the web sites so you can get an idea on how they look if your interested. RoseMina Smolinski <mina@...> wrote: With my boys, fortunately, neither of them are aggressive, so we don't tend to have that particular problem with other children. BUT, , who's almost 4, has no impulse control, and tends to bolt if you let go of him, even if you are telling him the whole time to "stay with Mommy". So it limits the places I can go with

the children, because with 4, and 3 who need hands-held or to be carried, I just can't do it. I can't take Mitch to any activity where he could get away...all outdoor areas need to be fenced in or I'll have to hold his hand the whole time. Friends often don't understand why I refuse activities, like taking the kids to the park, or to fireworks, or to T-ball, but even when I explain over and over they don't "get" it. I even have one play-group acquaintance who even when told that will run away and that she needs to WATCH him closely so I can run into the house for a minute, totally did not pay any attention to him, and he was down by the road by the time I came back out. This happened TWICE, and then I decided she was NOT trustworthy, even though she had been reminded each time. Fortunately last spring we fenced in part of our backyard (we've got 2 acres, so couldn't do the whole thing!), so it's not a concern anymore, as long as he's

not allowed out of the fenced area. But, I get a lot of looks when we are out in public, because is not trustworthy to walk alone, and usually is put into a cart because it's just easier. And he's a big boy...tall, built stocky, and while only turning 4 this month, is in 4/5 boys clothes. So he looks like he *should* be behaving. But I tend to just ignore those people, because I know that he's not misbehaving because of ME. Even though people might think that I'm a bad mom and THAT'S why he's acting out, I know better. If these neighbors are friends, or at least friendly, you could try to explain to them that you suspect that the boys are ASD/AS and that you are in the process of getting them tested for an official diagnosis. With some, it will probably help them be more understanding/forgiving when one of the boys acts out. But there WILL be others who just choose to not

associate with you, and that's ok. Not everyone is going to be able to deal with the possibility that their kid could get hurt emotionally/physically if they play with your kids, even if they understand WHY your child is acting out. Speaking about unDx'd AS, I wonder how many of us parents who are shy/introverted, smart, etc. (for example I was hyperlexic as a kid and have an IQ in the 140's), would have been dx'd as AS had we been kids now? I see traits in me both now and in childhood that seem suspiciously like mild AS, and the same with DH. And then we wonder why we have two ASD kiddos...LOL. It makes me wonder how much of the increase in ASD dx's are because people with mild ASD are marrying people who are like them, who are likely mild ASD as well. Anyhoo...getting off track...LOL. My best advice to you is to remember that is your children are ASD, their behavior

is NOT your fault, whether or not people think otherwise. Mina Mina Smolinski Mommy to: 9/25/02 5/13/04 Owen 7/1/05 Lila 3/3/07 On May 5, 2008, at 7:02 AM, sbarb33 wrote: Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I

like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about

early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns

that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no

one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.>

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[Guest guest]

We had the wrist kind for my nephew but I lived in fear using it. It would dart so quickly that I'd be afraid he'd trip someone with the cord or pull me straight over with him. lolRose <beachbodytan2002@...> wrote: Mina, if you don't mind me jumping in.... I've been working with my son diligently with organization and social skills I haven't been posting much. But I can relate with you the way you described your 4 year old. My son was the same way. And my daughter is a year younger and they

would both take off in opposite directions. LOL. but T.G. my daughter would listen when I called her. My son NEVER did. So, while walking the busy crowded Manhattan sidewalks, I had them in a twin stroller. but when they reached that age where the stroller wasn't working anymore. I put them on a ' child's leash '. Toys R us - sells the ones that Velcro around their wrists or a harness type. both work awesome...they worked great in the malls too or crowded subways. Now you might get those looks from a few people. who cares ! your child is safe. and you'll get lots of " I had that for my children too". maybe you can find them on the web sites so you can get an idea on how they look if your interested. RoseMina Smolinski <minablackcatsystems> wrote: With my boys, fortunately, neither of them are aggressive, so we don't tend to have that particular problem with other children. BUT, , who's almost 4, has no impulse control, and tends to bolt if you let go of him, even if you are telling him the whole time to "stay with Mommy". So it limits the places I can go with the children, because with 4, and 3 who need hands-held or to be carried, I just can't do it. I can't take Mitch to any activity where he could get away...all outdoor areas need to be fenced in or I'll have to hold his hand the whole time. Friends often don't understand why I refuse activities, like taking the kids to the park, or to fireworks, or to T-ball, but even when I explain over and over they don't "get" it. I even have one play-group acquaintance who even when told that will run away and that she needs to WATCH him closely so I can run into the house for a minute, totally did not pay

any attention to him, and he was down by the road by the time I came back out. This happened TWICE, and then I decided she was NOT trustworthy, even though she had been reminded each time. Fortunately last spring we fenced in part of our backyard (we've got 2 acres, so couldn't do the whole thing!), so it's not a concern anymore, as long as he's not allowed out of the fenced area. But, I get a lot of looks when we are out in public, because is not trustworthy to walk alone, and usually is put into a cart because it's just easier. And he's a big boy...tall, built stocky, and while only turning 4 this month, is in 4/5 boys clothes. So he looks like he *should* be behaving. But I tend to just ignore those people, because I know that he's not misbehaving because of ME. Even though people might think that I'm a bad mom and THAT'S why he's acting out, I know better. If these

neighbors are friends, or at least friendly, you could try to explain to them that you suspect that the boys are ASD/AS and that you are in the process of getting them tested for an official diagnosis. With some, it will probably help them be more understanding/forgiving when one of the boys acts out. But there WILL be others who just choose to not associate with you, and that's ok. Not everyone is going to be able to deal with the possibility that their kid could get hurt emotionally/physically if they play with your kids, even if they understand WHY your child is acting out. Speaking about unDx'd AS, I wonder how many of us parents who are shy/introverted, smart, etc. (for example I was hyperlexic as a kid and have an IQ in the 140's), would have been dx'd as AS had we been kids now? I see traits in me both now and in childhood that seem suspiciously like mild AS, and the same with DH. And then we

wonder why we have two ASD kiddos...LOL. It makes me wonder how much of the increase in ASD dx's are because people with mild ASD are marrying people who are like them, who are likely mild ASD as well. Anyhoo...getting off track...LOL. My best advice to you is to remember that is your children are ASD, their behavior is NOT your fault, whether or not people think otherwise. Mina Mina Smolinski Mommy to: 9/25/02 5/13/04 Owen 7/1/05 Lila 3/3/07 On

May 5, 2008, at 7:02 AM, sbarb33 wrote: Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But

I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a

lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early

interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she

still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Carol, That is a real hard tough situation your in. Can you get respite just for him - to help you when you take your son out?. Sounds like your not getting any help and you must be exhausted !. If not, what about a college student? maybe one that's learning about special needs?. now my son wasn't as tough as your situation, and he was exhausting, couldn't sit down unless he was asleep - LOL - so I can just imagine what your going through. I'm glad to hear a part of your yard in fenced in to keep him safe. do you have alarms for your doors? once he learns to get out, 'watch out'... Hope that's not a concern yet. My son is 11 and I'm still a light sleeper for when he gets up at 3:00am. I make sure I don't hear the front door open. just in case he then remembers he forgot something in the yard or wants to take the dog for a walk. I guess that's another topic. *smile*. best wishes RoseCarol Latimer <lvs2sing@...> wrote: We had the wrist kind for my nephew but I lived in fear using it. It would dart so quickly that I'd be afraid he'd trip someone with the cord or pull me straight over with him. lolRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: Mina, if you don't mind me jumping in.... I've been working with my son diligently

with organization and social skills I haven't been posting much. But I can relate with you the way you described your 4 year old. My son was the same way. And my daughter is a year younger and they would both take off in opposite directions. LOL. but T.G. my daughter would listen when I called her. My son NEVER did. So, while walking the busy crowded Manhattan sidewalks, I had them in a twin stroller. but when they reached that age where the stroller wasn't working anymore. I put them on a ' child's leash '. Toys R us - sells the ones that Velcro around their wrists or a harness type. both work awesome...they worked great in the malls too or crowded subways. Now you might get those looks from a few people. who cares ! your child is safe. and you'll get lots of " I had that for my children too". maybe you can find them on the web sites so you can get an idea on how

they look if your interested. RoseMina Smolinski <minablackcatsystems> wrote: With my boys, fortunately, neither of them are aggressive, so we don't tend to have that particular problem with other children. BUT, , who's almost 4, has no impulse control, and tends to bolt if you let go of him, even if you are telling him the whole time to "stay with Mommy". So it limits the places I can go with the children, because with 4, and 3 who need hands-held or to be carried, I just can't do it. I can't take Mitch to any activity where he could get away...all outdoor areas need to be fenced in or I'll have to hold his hand the whole time. Friends often don't understand why I refuse activities, like taking the kids to the park, or to fireworks, or to T-ball, but even when I explain over and over they don't

"get" it. I even have one play-group acquaintance who even when told that will run away and that she needs to WATCH him closely so I can run into the house for a minute, totally did not pay any attention to him, and he was down by the road by the time I came back out. This happened TWICE, and then I decided she was NOT trustworthy, even though she had been reminded each time. Fortunately last spring we fenced in part of our backyard (we've got 2 acres, so couldn't do the whole thing!), so it's not a concern anymore, as long as he's not allowed out of the fenced area. But, I get a lot of looks when we are out in public, because is not trustworthy to walk alone, and usually is put into a cart because it's just easier. And he's a big boy...tall, built stocky, and while only turning 4 this month, is in 4/5 boys clothes. So he looks like he *should* be behaving. But I tend to just ignore those people,

because I know that he's not misbehaving because of ME. Even though people might think that I'm a bad mom and THAT'S why he's acting out, I know better. If these neighbors are friends, or at least friendly, you could try to explain to them that you suspect that the boys are ASD/AS and that you are in the process of getting them tested for an official diagnosis. With some, it will probably help them be more understanding/forgiving when one of the boys acts out. But there WILL be others who just choose to not associate with you, and that's ok. Not everyone is going to be able to deal with the possibility that their kid could get hurt emotionally/physically if they play with your kids, even if they understand WHY your child is acting out. Speaking about unDx'd AS, I wonder how many of us parents who are shy/introverted, smart, etc. (for example I was hyperlexic as a kid and have

an IQ in the 140's), would have been dx'd as AS had we been kids now? I see traits in me both now and in childhood that seem suspiciously like mild AS, and the same with DH. And then we wonder why we have two ASD kiddos...LOL. It makes me wonder how much of the increase in ASD dx's are because people with mild ASD are marrying people who are like them, who are likely mild ASD as well. Anyhoo...getting off track...LOL. My best advice to you is to remember that is your children are ASD, their behavior is NOT your fault, whether or not people think otherwise. Mina Mina Smolinski Mommy to:

9/25/02 5/13/04 Owen 7/1/05 Lila 3/3/07 On May 5, 2008, at 7:02 AM, sbarb33 wrote: Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I

never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest

baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> >

autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> >

will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

No, Rose, you are 100 percent correct. I have a mom I am talking with right now that is having this issue with her probable AS son whom will be 5 this summer. It is a constant battle. Some suggestions I have:

1. Heck with public and what they think.....your son escapes the home / you are guilty of child abuse---------so, 'screw the public!!!!!' I would do whatever you have to. No one seems to care about that, and that this a mental health problem rather than negligent parents (some are I know but you know what I mean).

2. LOCKS on the doors---we had 6 at one point, all the way from low to high----of course, he would stack the chairs and go up there and undo each and every single one........but, that is an option. It is an attempt at safety.

3. Alarms on the doors.

4. A whole house alarm.

5. Safety devise on the child / GPS devise (there is something----I have NO IDEA how it works, prices, etc. but another option).

6. ALARM ON THEIR BEDROOM DOOR that is super loud and you have to respond every single time!!

7. I agree with the respite idea; a great one!!!! Everyone needs a break from these kiddos!!!

Have a blessed day.

Ruthie

From: beachbodytan2002@...Date: Tue, 6 May 2008 05:43:54 -0700Subject: Re: ( ) Mina--Neighbor reactions/family

Carol,

That is a real hard tough situation your in. Can you get respite just for him - to help you when you take your son out?. Sounds like your not getting any help and you must be exhausted !. If not, what about a college student? maybe one that's learning about special needs?. now my son wasn't as tough as your situation, and he was exhausting, couldn't sit down unless he was asleep - LOL - so I can just imagine what your going through. I'm glad to hear a part of your yard in fenced in to keep him safe. do you have alarms for your doors? once he learns to get out, 'watch out'... Hope that's not a concern yet. My son is 11 and I'm still a light sleeper for when he gets up at 3:00am. I make sure I don't hear the front door open. just in case he then remembers he forgot something in the yard or wants to take the dog for a walk. I guess that's another topic. *smile*.

best wishes

RoseCarol Latimer <lvs2singsbcglobal (DOT) net> wrote:

We had the wrist kind for my nephew but I lived in fear using it. It would dart so quickly that I'd be afraid he'd trip someone with the cord or pull me straight over with him. lolRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote:

Mina,

if you don't mind me jumping in.... I've been working with my son diligently with organization and social skills I haven't been posting much. But I can relate with you the way you described your 4 year old. My son was the same way. And my daughter is a year younger and they would both take off in opposite directions. LOL. but T.G. my daughter would listen when I called her. My son NEVER did. So, while walking the busy crowded Manhattan sidewalks, I had them in a twin stroller. but when they reached that age where the stroller wasn't working anymore. I put them on a ' child's leash '. Toys R us - sells the ones that Velcro around their wrists or a harness type. both work awesome...they worked great in the malls too or crowded subways. Now you might get those looks from a few people. who cares ! your child is safe. and you'll get lots of " I had that for my children too". maybe you can find them on the web sites so you can get an idea on how they look if your interested.

RoseMina Smolinski <minablackcatsystems> wrote:

With my boys, fortunately, neither of them are aggressive, so we don't tend to have that particular problem with other children. BUT, , who's almost 4, has no impulse control, and tends to bolt if you let go of him, even if you are telling him the whole time to "stay with Mommy". So it limits the places I can go with the children, because with 4, and 3 who need hands-held or to be carried, I just can't do it. I can't take Mitch to any activity where he could get away...all outdoor areas need to be fenced in or I'll have to hold his hand the whole time. Friends often don't understand why I refuse activities, like taking the kids to the park, or to fireworks, or to T-ball, but even when I explain over and over they don't "get" it. I even have one play-group acquaintance who even when told that will run away and that she needs to WATCH him closely so I can run into the house for a minute, totally did not pay any attention to him, and he was down by the road by the time I came back out. This happened TWICE, and then I decided she was NOT trustworthy, even though she had been reminded each time. Fortunately last spring we fenced in part of our backyard (we've got 2 acres, so couldn't do the whole thing!), so it's not a concern anymore, as long as he's not allowed out of the fenced area.

But, I get a lot of looks when we are out in public, because is not trustworthy to walk alone, and usually is put into a cart because it's just easier. And he's a big boy...tall, built stocky, and while only turning 4 this month, is in 4/5 boys clothes. So he looks like he *should* be behaving. But I tend to just ignore those people, because I know that he's not misbehaving because of ME. Even though people might think that I'm a bad mom and THAT'S why he's acting out, I know better.

If these neighbors are friends, or at least friendly, you could try to explain to them that you suspect that the boys are ASD/AS and that you are in the process of getting them tested for an official diagnosis. With some, it will probably help them be more understanding/forgiving when one of the boys acts out. But there WILL be others who just choose to not associate with you, and that's ok. Not everyone is going to be able to deal with the possibility that their kid could get hurt emotionally/physically if they play with your kids, even if they understand WHY your child is acting out.

Speaking about unDx'd AS, I wonder how many of us parents who are shy/introverted, smart, etc. (for example I was hyperlexic as a kid and have an IQ in the 140's), would have been dx'd as AS had we been kids now? I see traits in me both now and in childhood that seem suspiciously like mild AS, and the same with DH. And then we wonder why we have two ASD kiddos...LOL. It makes me wonder how much of the increase in ASD dx's are because people with mild ASD are marrying people who are like them, who are likely mild ASD as well.

Anyhoo...getting off track...LOL. My best advice to you is to remember that is your children are ASD, their behavior is NOT your fault, whether or not people think otherwise.

Mina

Mina Smolinski

Mommy to:

9/25/02

5/13/04

Owen 7/1/05

Lila 3/3/07

On May 5, 2008, at 7:02 AM, sbarb33 wrote:

Hi Mina,Boy your life sounds a lot like mine! I am such a naturally shy and sensitive person and I have been dealing with so many emotions with my kids, neighbors, and family lately. Neither one of my boys almost 5 and 7 are officially dx yet (we are waiting on a long list). But I see a lot of traits of ASD in them. It has been a long road to accept this possibility. Mainly because of what you said "Autism" is a scary word right now. But as I learned more, I got less scared about it. My sons have been making so much progress and my DH shows some traits of AS (unDX of course) so I know the future is not bleak.But my new concerns are centered around the neighbors that I have spent time with since my oldest was born. I never understood how people could lose friends because another one's child had issues until I lived it. I too don't have a need for a lot of close friends. I have a few very close friends that have stood by me, but I do seem to have a need for people to like me/respect me even if we aren't close friends. Call it a personality flaw. I like to be liked. So due to some of the issues I have had with my middle son, melt downs, hitting other kids, saying mean things, getting overwhelmed, etc. I have noticed a "pulling back" with some of my neighbor friends. My sister and DH say it is because it is hard to feel compassion for a child who is misbehaving when he is not yours...and maybe hurting others at times. My son has made so much progress and it hurts to feel the coldness from the adults who seem to think I created these problems due to poor parenting, lack of discipline etc. Is there a way to gain the relationship back? I have been pulling back as well to give space.It is hard because we live in the neighborhood and we see each other a lot outside. I want the kids to be OK with each other, but they don't seem to notice any problems yet........Thanks for any input 2-6-01 6-17-03 3-6-07> > > I wrote you before about speaking to a new mom about early> > interventions for her son because he's not speaking yet. She said> > she would wait. She also keeps mentioning how smart he is. I said> > to her, he is smart, having a speech teacher work with her son> > doesn't mean he's not smart. She also said the day care told her> > he's the smartest baby there. I explained to her that- that is good> > news but I'm still concerned about his speech. *I just found out why> > she won't call and get him into early interventions.> > She said Autism is all over the news, TV stations, commercials,> > papers, magazines, etc... She is so scared to have someone work with> > him in fear of them telling her he has a disability. I also heard> > this from another mom with concerns that her baby isn't walking yet> > at 14 months old. She has the same fears. so they aren't sharing> > their concerns with their doctors.> > I still think its so important for the press to educate people about> > autism. But what about all the new moms out there that are so afraid> > to mention to their ped. dr. about some concerns about their child?.> > right now, she still wants to wait. (I love this little guy so> > much), His mom loves him so, so much too. I wish I can help her> > change her mind. but she is too afraid. (she said that she is so> > worried) He's not talking and I can see the frustration he has> > without no language. the one or two words he tries to say, no one> > can understand them. it can sound like so many things. Also, he is> > getting so physcial - hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair,> > hitting his head, screaming, etc...> > well, there is nothing else I can do or say to his mom hoping she> > will get him into early interventions. I also explained its free and> > so important for her son.>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Actually, what we decided to try, rather than adding another lock, is one of the inexpensive plastic knob covers, and it works great for . He can NOT get the door open, and neither can , the oldest, actually. Mitch has only recently (last 6 months or so) learned how to open doors at all, so the knob cover is enough now to keep him from getting out. It's always worth a try...they are cheap and easy to add. Granted, there will come a time when he figures it out, and then we'll have to resort to something else if he's still running away.MinaMina SmolinskiMommy to: 9/25/02 5/13/04Owen 7/1/05Lila 3/3/072. LOCKS on the doors---we had 6 at one point, all the way from low to high----of course, he would stack the chairs and go up there and undo each and every single one........but, that is an option. It is an attempt at safety.