Re: Feeling hopeless :(

April 21, 2009

>

> Hi everyone.

>

> I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying to

soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really

needing the support side of the group!

>

> Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend

my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in

July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. ...

Hi Andie. I don't have much time to post right now either, but lots of hugs.

My husband reacted similar to yours to our son's problems. I actually think

this is pretty typical. Some things that helped... Let his attitude rest.

Don't try to discuss your d's problems with him or share your day regarding d

with him. It will only cause discord. Accept the fact that you are on your own

for awhile. But DO let him discover the truth in his own way. DO push him to

take off work and go to some of these meetings/appointments with you. It really

helped with my h for him to hear it from other people. Also, understand part of

his attitude is due to the fact that he isn't ready to accept this yet. It

doesn't mean that he never will, it just means he needs some time. Give your h

the space to figure it out his own way. I don't think my husband has read or

listened to much of anything I have come up with--and I have done extensive

research and intervention out of necessity, much of it successful! But he has

to find his own reading materials and talk to people himself. It's sad, but I

guess he doesn't trust my judgment. I have to accept that since I can't change

it. Trying to push my own knowledge and experience on him when he doesn't want

it isn't going to get us anywhere. We just have to move around that and share

other things. I do things like send him blind copies of all the school

correspondence (which is close to daily in our case). He never comments, but at

least I know I've done my part. If I ask, he usually says " it " is fine or even

good, but without comment or much conviction. He gives the impression of

disinterest, but really I think he is upset and doesn't feel comfortable sharing

it with me. If you have the money, I guess the answer would be to try to get

some couples therapy so maybe you can work through these things. I've never

been in a position to do that--don't know if I could get off work or get h to go

anyway. Work is already topsy turvy enough with two special needs people in our

family.

Ruth

April 21, 2009

Oh my. I can relate 1000% to everything you just wrote! Except that my terror child is a 12 year old DS, whose behaviours are being picked up by a 10 year old DD. And they both make me miserable, especially on days like this morning, when they're just miserable for no apparent reason and every single thing is a battle!

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you (I'm new here), but I wanted to say that you're DEFINITELY not alone. Partner who thinks "everything is fine", feeling like a bad mother, wanting to run away or commit yourself, not enjoying your children... I've experienced ALL of those.

I know it's not practical or useful, but I can offer you (((hugs))). That's all I've got for now :S

( ) Feeling hopeless

Hi everyone. I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really needing the support side of the group!Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I have no one to lean on.My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out what's WRONG with her is causing the problem in itself. I see her struggle with school concepts. I see her drive away other kids because of her lack of social finesse (to say the least). I see the dark circles under her eyes and the absolutely depressed demeanor - which when experimenting (one week when that guy I married was out of town) with removing milk from this child's diet, she was more 'with it' and calm and happy than she'd been in a very long time - I know the spinning and chewing and obsessing about a bug she found or some inanimate object that overtakes her entire being for a while, are behaviors classic of the syndrome. She is, however, really confused by numbers and math concepts in general, which I believe is not necessarily the case regarding AS.At times I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing by spending so much time trying to find someone who can give me some real, undeniable answers as to what is going on with this kid. I honestly just want to find HELP for her (and me!)so the struggles can be lessened throughout her school years. In my gut, I feel that waiting and letting this go to see how it plays out would only be even more detrimental to her. My husband actually gets into my head every now and again and makes me wonder if I AM in fact creating more of a problem by 'drawing attention to it'.I am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter most of the time, and my husband as well. I can't take the disrespectful, defiant child anymore. The mood swings are getting worse and worse and she seems to be going in the wrong direction. Any suggestions on where I may go from here - because I'm on my way to going CRAZY. I am ready to commit myself just to get a break from it all! Perhaps if I left for a while, and DH could see how much I really do put into the household and the girls, and hopefully see the drastic behaviors I am usually dealing with, he'd have more respect and realize I need a partner, not an opponent, in all of this diagnostic hell. I seriously feel like a total failure as a mother 95% of the time. I have read every parenting book and tried every different disciplinary technique, and things just don't work with this kid. Of course I love her, and my heart bleeds for her just knowing the kind of struggles she is going to face, but I haven't LIKED her or enjoyed being with her for a very long time.... and that's so sad for all of us.

April 21, 2009

I can rely to all you are telling us. I am blessed that my husband is an Aspie too and he understand what is going on but all the burden is mine. You are not alone and your not crazy or a bad Mother!.

My advice is to look for someone in you area to go for counseling. When I was going crazy because I did no know what was going on with my kid but knew something was up, I when to counseling. That's when I first learned about tactile defensive and started to look into that. It has been a long road, but we keep walking one step a a time.

Go talk to someone else other than your husband. You need to let your feelings out. May God help you.

Ide

From: andie <andie6294@...> Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 11:57:25 PMSubject: ( ) Feeling hopeless

Hi everyone. I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really needing the support side of the group!Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I have no one to lean on.My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out what's WRONG with her is causing the problem in itself. I see her struggle with school concepts.

I see her drive away other kids because of her lack of social finesse (to say the least). I see the dark circles under her eyes and the absolutely depressed demeanor - which when experimenting (one week when that guy I married was out of town) with removing milk from this child's diet, she was more 'with it' and calm and happy than she'd been in a very long time - I know the spinning and chewing and obsessing about a bug she found or some inanimate object that overtakes her entire being for a while, are behaviors classic of the syndrome. She is, however, really confused by numbers and math concepts in general, which I believe is not necessarily the case regarding AS.At times I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing by spending so much time trying to find someone who can give me some real, undeniable answers as to what is going on with this kid. I honestly just want to find HELP for her (and me!)so the struggles can be lessened throughout her

school years. In my gut, I feel that waiting and letting this go to see how it plays out would only be even more detrimental to her. My husband actually gets into my head every now and again and makes me wonder if I AM in fact creating more of a problem by 'drawing attention to it'.I am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter most of the time, and my husband as well. I can't take the disrespectful, defiant child anymore. The mood swings are getting worse and worse and she seems to be going in the wrong direction. Any suggestions on where I may go from here - because I'm on my way to going CRAZY. I am ready to commit myself just to get a break from it all! Perhaps if I left for a while, and DH could see how much I really do put into the household and the girls, and hopefully see the drastic behaviors I am usually dealing with, he'd have more respect and realize I need a partner, not an opponent, in all of this diagnostic hell. I

seriously feel like a total failure as a mother 95% of the time. I have read every parenting book and tried every different disciplinary technique, and things just don't work with this kid. Of course I love her, and my heart bleeds for her just knowing the kind of struggles she is going to face, but I haven't LIKED her or enjoyed being with her for a very long time.... and that's so sad for all of us.

April 21, 2009

Andie, where are you located? I might be able to suggest some more specific supports if I know. Pam Access 350+ FREE radio stations anytime from anywhere on the web. Get the Radio Toolbar!

April 21, 2009

Andie,

I know what you are going thru to a degree. I know the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to commit oneself to the hospital ....I know what it is like to "dislike" your own child. I know what it feels like to hate what is going on, to feel alone, to feel like burying your head in teh sand or running away. My husband...know our son has AS...doesn't deny it...but my husband...I believe also has AS but was never diagnosed. So I live with 2 of them. They are alike in some ways and different in other ways...but both are "black and while" thinkers. Ugh! And, when it gets going ...I feel like running in the other direction. I get advice from those who have NO idea what it is like having an Aspie teen. They have teens but not Aspie Teens. They have no idea of the fustrations that go on at school, academically and socially. I love when people tell me ...well you spoiled him, you don't discipline him enough, he can't

have kids 24 seven....he needs to learn to entertain himself. all kids get teased, all teen misbehave....I hear it all...and I am closing my ears to them..I'll nod and walk away...becuase they DON"T know ...they are NOT in MY SHOES or YOURS.

But Andie, post here....talk to us...I do ...I vent all the time, I cry to everyone....and it helps...I think we understand the best...we are not all at the same place and have the same exact problems...but we are the only ones who come close to it.....so talk, vent, cry and post, post and post again...everyone has helped me so much. On days when the tunnel is so very dark and dreay and I see no way out....I reach out and someone grabas my hands and pulls me up. And, then I feel another hand and another hand and another hand...and pretty soon i see a ray of light, a spark of sunshine....and that is what this group is all about. We are here for each other.

Now, for your daughter....when she acts out, inappropriate behavior...send her to her room (make sure it is safe....if not take out all things breakable or what she could hurt herself on). Then let her vent...don't go to her....ignore her behavior...let her scream, let her cry, let her be to work it out....she may call you all kinds of names or tell you she hates you or scream or punch her pillow or bed....just let her be. Tell her that when she can act in the proper appropriate way she may come out. I do this with my son...I tell him when he wants to act like a human...he can come out. He'll rant, cry, talk to himself, punch his pillow, etc. and sometimes even fall asleep on his bed...but when he is ready and comes out...he is a NEW person. Huh? Yup! And, we go on. Later when things are calm...maybe the next day or later that day....we talk about what happened....why...how he could have done things differently....etc. He may

not know why ....we try to work on that...try to figure it out...then we talk about how he could have done this or that....or wow, looking back wasn't that silly...look at the waste of time and energy over this little problem when we could have solved it 1,2,3 and gone on with whatever....but it takes time. It takes maturing..and it may have to happen over and over and over again.

I don't yell at him...i don't yell at him when he does a math problem incorrectly...so if he acts inappropriately...I talk to him and tell him he could act like this or that...etc. But once he starts acting out, ranting, temper tantrum, screaming, becomes irrational...i tell him to go to his room and stay there until he can act like a human again.

Maybe this might help ...it won't hurt to try...I an open to ideas but if they don't work...I throw them away. And, discipline doesn't always work....with our kids...i could punish him till he was 93 and he would still make the same errors...he needs to be taught...and when he gets in those rages that is not the time to talk...I send him to his room ...where there is peace and quiet and he can CALM DOWN.

It is sort of funny in a way....because he comes out when he is ready and he is a brand new child...sweet and smiling ....my jekyl and hyde (spelling?). It always puts a smile on my face...

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: andie <andie6294@...>Subject: ( ) Feeling hopeless Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009, 12:57 AM

Hi everyone. I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really needing the support side of the group!Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I have no one to lean on.My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out what's WRONG with her is causing the problem in itself. I see her struggle with school

concepts. I see her drive away other kids because of her lack of social finesse (to say the least). I see the dark circles under her eyes and the absolutely depressed demeanor - which when experimenting (one week when that guy I married was out of town) with removing milk from this child's diet, she was more 'with it' and calm and happy than she'd been in a very long time - I know the spinning and chewing and obsessing about a bug she found or some inanimate object that overtakes her entire being for a while, are behaviors classic of the syndrome. She is, however, really confused by numbers and math concepts in general, which I believe is not necessarily the case regarding AS.At times I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing by spending so much time trying to find someone who can give me some real, undeniable answers as to what is going on with this kid. I honestly just want to find HELP for her (and me!)so the struggles can be lessened

throughout her school years. In my gut, I feel that waiting and letting this go to see how it plays out would only be even more detrimental to her. My husband actually gets into my head every now and again and makes me wonder if I AM in fact creating more of a problem by 'drawing attention to it'.I am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter most of the time, and my husband as well. I can't take the disrespectful, defiant child anymore. The mood swings are getting worse and worse and she seems to be going in the wrong direction. Any suggestions on where I may go from here - because I'm on my way to going CRAZY. I am ready to commit myself just to get a break from it all! Perhaps if I left for a while, and DH could see how much I really do put into the household and the girls, and hopefully see the drastic behaviors I am usually dealing with, he'd have more respect and realize I need a partner, not an opponent, in all of this

diagnostic hell. I seriously feel like a total failure as a mother 95% of the time. I have read every parenting book and tried every different disciplinary technique, and things just don't work with this kid. Of course I love her, and my heart bleeds for her just knowing the kind of struggles she is going to face, but I haven't LIKED her or enjoyed being with her for a very long time.... and that's so sad for all of us.

April 21, 2009

I think you could be talking about any one of our lives on this board. I think many of us are or have been where you are. Almost 5 yrs ago, I got custody of my AS nephew and his sister. I thought for the first 2 years it was definately the wrong thing to do. My husband was not on board and actually moved out for awhile. It was very difficult but he has come a long way and we are still learning. Everyday is a adventure and not always a pleasant one. My nephew would have terrible tantrums ( when he was 5) that were so bad that he would hit me and I wore many bruises. I would put him in time out and keep putting him in timeout until he successfully sat there for his time. Sometimes it would take a hour or longer and it was miserable for everyone in this house. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My nephew is now 9 and takes his time out almost without

any fuss. He still screams and calls me bad names but no longer hits me. He no longer pulls out his sisters hair or bites her until she bleeds. Have you checked into sensory intergration disorder? Once I started accomodating my nephew with his sensory he acted much better and does your daughter take meds? We decided to do meds so he could better cope with life. This board has been a lifesaver for me. I live in a very small community and have the only AS child.

Lori

From: andie <andie6294@...>Subject: ( ) Feeling hopeless Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009, 12:57 AM

Hi everyone. I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really needing the support side of the group!Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I have no one to lean on.My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out what's WRONG with her is causing the problem in itself. I see her struggle with school

concepts. I see her drive away other kids because of her lack of social finesse (to say the least). I see the dark circles under her eyes and the absolutely depressed demeanor - which when experimenting (one week when that guy I married was out of town) with removing milk from this child's diet, she was more 'with it' and calm and happy than she'd been in a very long time - I know the spinning and chewing and obsessing about a bug she found or some inanimate object that overtakes her entire being for a while, are behaviors classic of the syndrome. She is, however, really confused by numbers and math concepts in general, which I believe is not necessarily the case regarding AS.At times I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing by spending so much time trying to find someone who can give me some real, undeniable answers as to what is going on with this kid. I honestly just want to find HELP for her (and me!)so the struggles can be lessened

throughout her school years. In my gut, I feel that waiting and letting this go to see how it plays out would only be even more detrimental to her. My husband actually gets into my head every now and again and makes me wonder if I AM in fact creating more of a problem by 'drawing attention to it'.I am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter most of the time, and my husband as well. I can't take the disrespectful, defiant child anymore. The mood swings are getting worse and worse and she seems to be going in the wrong direction. Any suggestions on where I may go from here - because I'm on my way to going CRAZY. I am ready to commit myself just to get a break from it all! Perhaps if I left for a while, and DH could see how much I really do put into the household and the girls, and hopefully see the drastic behaviors I am usually dealing with, he'd have more respect and realize I need a partner, not an opponent, in all of this

diagnostic hell. I seriously feel like a total failure as a mother 95% of the time. I have read every parenting book and tried every different disciplinary technique, and things just don't work with this kid. Of course I love her, and my heart bleeds for her just knowing the kind of struggles she is going to face, but I haven't LIKED her or enjoyed being with her for a very long time.... and that's so sad for all of us.

April 21, 2009

,

Hugs to go a long way, so thank you!

Andie

>

> Oh my. I can relate 1000% to everything you just wrote! Except that my

terror child is a 12 year old DS, whose behaviours are being picked up by a 10

year old DD. And they both make me miserable, especially on days like this

morning, when they're just miserable for no apparent reason and every single

thing is a battle!

>

> I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you (I'm new here), but I wanted to say

that you're DEFINITELY not alone. Partner who thinks " everything is fine " ,

feeling like a bad mother, wanting to run away or commit yourself, not enjoying

your children... I've experienced ALL of those.

>

> I know it's not practical or useful, but I can offer you (((hugs))). That's

all I've got for now :S

>

> ( ) Feeling hopeless

>

> Hi everyone.

>

> I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything trying

to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really, really

needing the support side of the group!

>

> Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I spend

my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6 in

July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible

behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn

picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of

hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are

really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I

have no one to lean on.

>

> My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out

what's WRONG with her is causing the problem in itself. I see her struggle with

school concepts. I see her drive away other kids because of her lack of social

finesse (to say the least). I see the dark circles under her eyes and the

absolutely depressed demeanor - which when experimenting (one week when that guy

I married was out of town) with removing milk from this child's diet, she was

more 'with it' and calm and happy than she'd been in a very long time - I know

the spinning and chewing and obsessing about a bug she found or some inanimate

object that overtakes her entire being for a while, are behaviors classic of the

syndrome. She is, however, really confused by numbers and math concepts in

general, which I believe is not necessarily the case regarding AS.

>

> At times I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing by spending so much

time trying to find someone who can give me some real, undeniable answers as to

what is going on with this kid. I honestly just want to find HELP for her (and

me!)so the struggles can be lessened throughout her school years. In my gut, I

feel that waiting and letting this go to see how it plays out would only be even

more detrimental to her. My husband actually gets into my head every now and

again and makes me wonder if I AM in fact creating more of a problem by 'drawing

attention to it'.

>

> I am seriously at the end of my rope with my daughter most of the time, and

my husband as well. I can't take the disrespectful, defiant child anymore. The

mood swings are getting worse and worse and she seems to be going in the wrong

direction.

>

> Any suggestions on where I may go from here - because I'm on my way to going

CRAZY. I am ready to commit myself just to get a break from it all! Perhaps if I

left for a while, and DH could see how much I really do put into the household

and the girls, and hopefully see the drastic behaviors I am usually dealing

with, he'd have more respect and realize I need a partner, not an opponent, in

all of this diagnostic hell. I seriously feel like a total failure as a mother

95% of the time. I have read every parenting book and tried every different

disciplinary technique, and things just don't work with this kid. Of course I

love her, and my heart bleeds for her just knowing the kind of struggles she is

going to face, but I haven't LIKED her or enjoyed being with her for a very long

time.... and that's so sad for all of us.

>

April 22, 2009

I meant to say hugs DO go a long way. My brain is mush.

> >

> > Oh my. I can relate 1000% to everything you just wrote! Except that my

terror child is a 12 year old DS, whose behaviours are being picked up by a 10

year old DD. And they both make me miserable, especially on days like this

morning, when they're just miserable for no apparent reason and every single

thing is a battle!

> >

> > I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you (I'm new here), but I wanted to

say that you're DEFINITELY not alone. Partner who thinks " everything is fine " ,

feeling like a bad mother, wanting to run away or commit yourself, not enjoying

your children... I've experienced ALL of those.

> >

> > I know it's not practical or useful, but I can offer you (((hugs))). That's

all I've got for now :S

> >

> > ( ) Feeling hopeless

> >

> > Hi everyone.

> >

> > I seldom have two seconds to post, but I read and re-read everything

trying to soak up as much information as I can. Unfortunately today I'm really,

really needing the support side of the group!

> >

> > Husband doesn't get it/believe it/admit it-whatever- and I feel like I

spend my life trying to figure out what is going on with this child (will be 6

in July) so maybe I can live in peace with her. I'm FED UP with the terrible

behavior and defiance and her being mean to her 3 y.o. sister (who is in turn

picking all these awful behaviors up). The negativity and sadness and sense of

hopelessness she spews out whenever things aren't perfectly to her liking are

really wearing me down. It seems like things are getting worse and worse, and I

have no one to lean on.

> >

> > My husband thinks that taking her to appointments to try and figure out