Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

May 12, 2008

Hi, Well, my husband is not an Aspie (at least I don't think so). He does have ADHD though. We have visuals all over the house. We have a huge white board, a smaller white board, and a calendar. On the huge white board, we put our kids points they have earned 9we use tokens for them to cash in), we put phone numbers, and other important things. On the smaller white board, we put the things that need to be done for the next 3 days. This includes picking up laundry, calling a doctor, going to school, or whatever else needs to be done. We don't just use it for the kids anymore. The calendar has everything that we are going to do for that month. If it is not on the calendar, it probably won't get done. There are palm pilots that can help him with organization. There are also watches that either beep when it is time to do

something or will give you a buzz on your arm. They look just like a regular watch. Today, there are many technology tools that help with this. Good luck. ShaunaDebra Balke <dlbalke@...> wrote: How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get

along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more

clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. Any suggestions????

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May 12, 2008

Debra,

I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My DH is not diagnosed

with Asperger's, but I can tell you that he does have it! Plus OCD to

boot! At times, I just want to run away from home! I'm glad your DH

is going to a counselor, mine refuses to do that much. I don't have

any suggestion that would help you. But I DO know what you're going

through! Hang in there!

Connie

>

> How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the

kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just

provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the

extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying

to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with

all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to " fake it "

to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried.

He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not

sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give

a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the

kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to

work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues

too.....

>

> Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have

you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie

husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has

been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband

is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a

common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens

and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant.

>

> Any suggestions????

>

May 12, 2008

From the aspie husband point of view (myself undiagnosed and suspected)

Its no picnic on our end. We do our best to keep ouselves in check throughout the day but towards the end as things build up we reach a saturation point like a wet sponge and can (ons sometimes do) either meltdown (not so common for me) or have an outburst (i.e shout out an admontion rather than maintain a stern voice when disciplining).

Best advice is to check his coping thermomitor towards the end of the day. Just like the aspie kid its the cumulative effect and he may need to put himself in "time out" (take a 5-10 minute stimulus free break) to reset himself. I know this trhows it all back on you for a few minutes but the resetting of his internal mechinisim will make him much more useful and pleasant to be around.

Very truly yours; Todd B. Kotler

Attorney and Counselor at Law

PO Box 2041

Massillon, Ohio 44646-2041

330-777-0065 Phone / Fax / VoicemailDISCLAIMERThis e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: [mailto: ]On Behalf Of ConnieSent: Monday, May 12, 2008 8:39 AM Subject: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

Debra,I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My DH is not diagnosed with Asperger's, but I can tell you that he does have it! Plus OCD to boot! At times, I just want to run away from home! I'm glad your DH is going to a counselor, mine refuses to do that much. I don't have any suggestion that would help you. But I DO know what you're going through! Hang in there!Connie>> How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... > > Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. > > Any suggestions????>

May 12, 2008

Yes, this is the kind of advice I am looking for. I can do it without a meltdown and he can't sometimes, so I am happy to take over. Again, my husband and I truly get along very well and I am just looking for tricks like this that will help him cope, avoid the meltdowns. Looking for husband antecedents It is just like the kid that you can see going into the meltdown. Sometimes I have to prompt him to take the time out and he isn't doing it himself when he is really frustrated. He hasn't seen the counselor yet but fortunately it is the one that works next to my kids doctor so they can talk and he won't have to explain the insanity of parenthood in our house. They can just start right off coming up with solutions.

I don't want to belittle my husband by handing him the "you need a break" signal card but there has GOT to be something, some set up, that is respectful and works for everyone.....

Thank you to everyone for the ideas. This helps a lot

Debbie

RE: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

From the aspie husband point of view (myself undiagnosed and suspected)

Its no picnic on our end. We do our best to keep ouselves in check throughout the day but towards the end as things build up we reach a saturation point like a wet sponge and can (ons sometimes do) either meltdown (not so common for me) or have an outburst (i.e shout out an admontion rather than maintain a stern voice when disciplining).

Best advice is to check his coping thermomitor towards the end of the day. Just like the aspie kid its the cumulative effect and he may need to put himself in "time out" (take a 5-10 minute stimulus free break) to reset himself. I know this trhows it all back on you for a few minutes but the resetting of his internal mechinisim will make him much more useful and pleasant to be around.

Very truly yours; Todd B. Kotler

Attorney and Counselor at Law

PO Box 2041

Massillon, Ohio 44646-2041

330-777-0065 Phone / Fax / VoicemailDISCLAIMERThis e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: [mailto: ]On Behalf Of ConnieSent: Monday, May 12, 2008 8:39 AM Subject: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

Debra,I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My DH is not diagnosed with Asperger's, but I can tell you that he does have it! Plus OCD to boot! At times, I just want to run away from home! I'm glad your DH is going to a counselor, mine refuses to do that much. I don't have any suggestion that would help you. But I DO know what you're going through! Hang in there!Connie>> How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... > > Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. > > Any suggestions????>

May 12, 2008

How about the gentle reminder or just schedule it into the evening if you can. OR better yet; does enjoy solitary chores like running to the store for something? you might kill two birds with one stone that way. He gets some quiet time and you get some shopping (or whatever) done.

Very truly yours; Todd B. Kotler

Attorney and Counselor at Law

PO Box 2041

Massillon, Ohio 44646-2041

330-777-0065 Phone / Fax / VoicemailDISCLAIMERThis e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: [mailto: ]On Behalf Of Debra BalkeSent: Monday, May 12, 2008 9:28 AM Subject: Re: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

Yes, this is the kind of advice I am looking for. I can do it without a meltdown and he can't sometimes, so I am happy to take over. Again, my husband and I truly get along very well and I am just looking for tricks like this that will help him cope, avoid the meltdowns. Looking for husband antecedents It is just like the kid that you can see going into the meltdown. Sometimes I have to prompt him to take the time out and he isn't doing it himself when he is really frustrated. He hasn't seen the counselor yet but fortunately it is the one that works next to my kids doctor so they can talk and he won't have to explain the insanity of parenthood in our house. They can just start right off coming up with solutions.

I don't want to belittle my husband by handing him the "you need a break" signal card but there has GOT to be something, some set up, that is respectful and works for everyone.....

Thank you to everyone for the ideas. This helps a lot

Debbie

RE: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

From the aspie husband point of view (myself undiagnosed and suspected)

Its no picnic on our end. We do our best to keep ouselves in check throughout the day but towards the end as things build up we reach a saturation point like a wet sponge and can (ons sometimes do) either meltdown (not so common for me) or have an outburst (i.e shout out an admontion rather than maintain a stern voice when disciplining).

Best advice is to check his coping thermomitor towards the end of the day. Just like the aspie kid its the cumulative effect and he may need to put himself in "time out" (take a 5-10 minute stimulus free break) to reset himself. I know this trhows it all back on you for a few minutes but the resetting of his internal mechinisim will make him much more useful and pleasant to be around.

Very truly yours; Todd B. Kotler

Attorney and Counselor at Law

PO Box 2041

Massillon, Ohio 44646-2041

330-777-0065 Phone / Fax / VoicemailDISCLAIMERThis e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: [mailto: ]On Behalf Of ConnieSent: Monday, May 12, 2008 8:39 AM Subject: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

Debra,I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My DH is not diagnosed with Asperger's, but I can tell you that he does have it! Plus OCD to boot! At times, I just want to run away from home! I'm glad your DH is going to a counselor, mine refuses to do that much. I don't have any suggestion that would help you. But I DO know what you're going through! Hang in there!Connie>> How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... > > Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. > > Any suggestions????>

May 12, 2008

Maybe he walks in the house and goes directly into the locked bedroom and watches TV for a bit. He is a homebody, enjoys being in the yard, but the kids will follow him there..... Maybe he gets home at 5:30 and we get him at 6....

RE: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

From the aspie husband point of view (myself undiagnosed and suspected)

Its no picnic on our end. We do our best to keep ouselves in check throughout the day but towards the end as things build up we reach a saturation point like a wet sponge and can (ons sometimes do) either meltdown (not so common for me) or have an outburst (i.e shout out an admontion rather than maintain a stern voice when disciplining).

Best advice is to check his coping thermomitor towards the end of the day. Just like the aspie kid its the cumulative effect and he may need to put himself in "time out" (take a 5-10 minute stimulus free break) to reset himself. I know this trhows it all back on you for a few minutes but the resetting of his internal mechinisim will make him much more useful and pleasant to be around.

Very truly yours; Todd B. Kotler

Attorney and Counselor at Law

PO Box 2041

Massillon, Ohio 44646-2041

330-777-0065 Phone / Fax / VoicemailDISCLAIMERThis e-mail contains information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient, any dissemination, publication or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. The sender does not accept any responsibility for any loss, disruption or damage to your data or computer system that may occur while using data contained in, or transmitted with, this e-mail. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify us by return e-mail. Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: [mailto: ]On Behalf Of ConnieSent: Monday, May 12, 2008 8:39 AM Subject: ( ) Re: aspie husband, aspie kids

Debra,I know EXACTLY what you are going through! My DH is not diagnosed with Asperger's, but I can tell you that he does have it! Plus OCD to boot! At times, I just want to run away from home! I'm glad your DH is going to a counselor, mine refuses to do that much. I don't have any suggestion that would help you. But I DO know what you're going through! Hang in there!Connie>> How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... > > Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. > > Any suggestions????>

May 12, 2008

Debra I can relate but not with a husband but another parent. this parent would have melt downs to the extreme, and trying to reason with the person doesn't help unless I just agree with that person no matter what, which I can't do. So I find that when I see this person getting ready to have that ' explosive ' behavior, screaming, or meltdown, I just leave. - Now I don't expect you to leave your home, but maybe just go into another room until he can get control of himself again. Maybe talk about his behavior when he calmed down so that he can recognize what just happened and find a better way to handle himself. Maybe this will also teach the kids that when you disagree with someone or you see another person acting angry or having a meltdown, its best to leave that person alone, walk away, until things calm down so you can talk at a better time. I don't see anything wrong with him having visuals for him.

Even a list with things that he's responsible to do. Everybody has their own way of having reminders to help them out. some need more than others. I'm glad to hear that he is going to counseling. Shows he's willing to work things out. Best wishes for you and your family RoseDebra Balke <dlbalke@...> wrote: How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just

provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to "fake it" to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too..... Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with

the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant. Any suggestions????

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

May 12, 2008

My advice is to make sure he has a quiet room with nothing on the walls and make sure that he has some time to himself. Does this happen everyday? After work? At church? (for me it usually happens around holidays when I'm surrounded by my family and I can't find a room that isn't packed with my 3 other siblings)

On Mon, May 12, 2008 at 11:55 AM, Rose <beachbodytan2002@...> wrote:

Debra

I can relate but not with a husband but another parent. this parent would have melt downs to the extreme, and trying to reason with the person doesn't help unless I just agree with that person no matter what, which I can't do. So I find that when I see this person getting ready to have that ' explosive ' behavior, screaming, or meltdown, I just leave. - Now I don't expect you to leave your home, but maybe just go into another room until he can get control of himself again. Maybe talk about his behavior when he calmed down so that he can recognize what just happened and find a better way to handle himself. Maybe this will also teach the kids that when you disagree with someone or you see another person acting angry or having a meltdown, its best to leave that person alone, walk away, until things calm down so you can talk at a better time.

I don't see anything wrong with him having visuals for him. Even a list with things that he's responsible to do. Everybody has their own way of having reminders to help them out. some need more than others. I'm glad to hear that he is going to counseling. Shows he's willing to work things out.

Best wishes for you and your family

Rose Debra Balke <dlbalke@...> wrote:

How do you all deal with a husband who has meltdowns similar to the kids. I can't blame him, I want to have a meltdown too, but it just provides negative reinforcement. We get along just fine but the extreme stress of parenting two autistic kids is killing him. Trying to run two ABA programs in the home in parallel, while dealing with all of it, etc. is exhausting. How do you get a parent to " fake it " to provide frequent positive reinforcement when they are just fried. He is going to see a counselor, which I have encouraged, but I am not sure what else to do. He has Aspergers himself. You can't just give a husband a visual schedule now can you..... It is the same as the kids, emotional regulation, organizational issues, etc. He needs to work on the issues himself and I am happy to work on any issues too.....

Has anyone dealt with this, I am sure someone has, and what have you found to be the most successful? What do you do with the aspie husband? It is more and more clear that this is an issue that has been slowing down our progress.... Beside the fact that my husband is miserable because he can't keep up with the two kids. Probably a common husband problem in general, but add autism two the two tweens and the husband and it can be ugly and unpleasant.

Any suggestions????

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

-- From Ms. Sara Willis

May 15, 2008

When our kids were little, I actually went to a hotel a few times when

I was fried. Just overnight, but it was such a help to get some alone

time. My husband gets overwhelmed easily at times. Don't know if he

has AS tendencies, but I often think he is the poster child for

ADD/ADHD. Sometimes I just send him away. He likes to go to football

games. Of course, they can't constantly be gone, so I guess he's going

to have to learn to do what my son with AS does and remove himself

from the situation for a few minutes. Gosh, though, I really want to

read what you all have to say. Good question, and I really would like

some more suggestions myself. Lori/T