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Months have gone by with very few problems........DD is on Geodon for mood and

prozac for depression. Shes making good eye contact, starting to see herself as

a positive person, even making a few friends then today the bottom fell out.

We were visiting family and a much younger cousin scribbled on DD's sidewalk

chalk drawing. DD went into a very loud very angry melt...complete with tears,

screaming, curse words and the throwing of chalk. Scared us all because she

isn't prone to that LEVEL of melt. I put her in the car and drove around for 10

minutes with her calling me every name in the book until she calmed down. We

went from absolute screaming 'I HATE YOU " fit to...'oh my god, I hate myself..I

just want to die "

15 minutes later we were back at cousins house, DD apologized and for HER it

was over with...as if nothing had happened at all. For me.....not so much. I

feel sick to my stomach. I fear that she is going to get worse. Fear that she

will hurt someone. Fear that she will NEVER be able to survive without me there

to smooth things over. Fear that I have done all a mom is capable of doing and

its STILL not enough. Fear that we will have to up her medication. Fear that at

10 she is eyeball to eyeball with me...what will happen next summer when she is

towering over me and has a melt? Fear that we have no biological family

information and MAYBE...just MAYBE there is a medical reason for all this rage.

Thanks for listening

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