RE: [SPAM] Re: I feel so helpless

[Guest guest]

I

relate to this, too. On Easter Sunday we went to take my parents out to

lunch. It was an hour and a half drive and my 16yo did not want to

go. We loaded the laptop, Playstation, portable DVD player , etc into the

van to give him something to do, so he would not be “bored”!

When we arrived he had fallen asleep listening to his music. My parents

came out to greet us as I was waking him up and quietly reminding him that he

needed to be polite and he would be able to get on Grandpa’s wireless

internet and listen to his music etc. He was grouchy from just

awaking. He got out of the van and announced that he did not want to be

at their boring house. My mother responded by saying, “We don’t

want you here either if you don’t want to be here.” I turned

to my mother and asked her not to say things like that to him. I didn’t

say because it could start a meltdown and we don’t need that. My

mother responded by asking, “What I can’t express my opinion, but

he can?” I responded by saying “Mom, you know he has a

disability, just ignore his comments and things will be fine” My

mother yells, “I have a disability, too, I have high blood pressure.”

At that point I just took off walking the mile circle that my parents street

goes in to try and calm down before I said or did something to make

things worse. When I got back I sat outside for a few minutes until my

husband came out and then my dad. Then I had to listen to thirty minutes

or more of my dad telling me that mom was tired of my son’s comments

because this was the 9th or 10th time we had come there

and he had said it. I apologized and told him that I was doing the best I

could to change the behavior. I assured him that I did have consequences

and I was consistent and that I read books, researched the internet and was in

support groups to find answers. I was doing all that I needed to

do. Then, I have to listen to – well, the consequences must not be

severe enough or long enough or meaningful enough. He feels that if my son can

be appropriate some of the time, then he is choosing to be disrespectful and

needs to learn. If he can learn one thing, he can learn another. I

try explaining how much repetition it takes, and that we don’t visit my

parents very often, so he doesn’t get the repetition. I didn’t

say that we don’t visit often because I can’t deal with the stress of

wondering what the boys might do wrong and what criticism I will face. I asked

my dad how much he had read about my son’s disability and that I would be

glad to send him info. He responded that he would look on the internet

himself. Let’s see I adopted this child 10 years ago and he is just

now looking for info. This is my child who has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome,

not my 15yo with AS. My 15yo just went inside, found a corner, and played

his Nintendo DS.

I am thankful for this and other groups,

too. I don’t feel alone and I realize that all families are

basically the same.

Donna

Re: ( ) I feel so helpless

Wow, Sheryl!

Reading your story was like I wrote it. Your daughter sounds so much like

mine. But mine isn't AS, she's Bipolar.

There is a small light at the end of the tunnel, though. My daughter

(17yo now) and I went through a looooooong stretch from the age of about 15

where she started telling me how bad a parent I am and how much she hated

me. She has even called me a *itch and said the " fu " words to

me. It got to where I still loved her with all my heart and soul but I

sure didn't like her very much, which lead to more guilt on my part because I

thought " how can any mother dislike her child? " .

And like your daughter, the word " no " triggered the most serious

rages. Even a minor disagreement in most families would start a

rage. I sometimes thought she asked a question she knew would get a

negative response just so she could " blow " .

Nowdays, the rages are less frequent and since SHE can see a light at the end

of the tunnel (she starts college 77 miles away in the fall), things have

gotten a whole lot more pleasant between us.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you are welcome to email me. I

understand completely what you are going through.

Reba

Sheryl <sherylfoster@

gmail.com>

wrote:

I have been having a

horrible time with my DD (11). Her mood swings,

and tantrums have been getting worse. God help me if I tell her " no "

to something. We celebrated my other DD's birthday this weekend, and

she was aweful all weekend. She hated the fact that everyone was

giving her sister attention. Two years in a row she has made a scene

at her sisters birthday party. I understand her issues, but I hate

the fact that I can't seem to reel her in when she goes off. I have

had a horrible 3 months with her. 3 weeks of that included a partial

hospitalization. I just wish I could stop feeling like I am failing

as a mother. I have tried everything to make her life better, and

yet she tells me that I don't love her, and that I don't care. I

have advocated for her to the point that the school has bent over

backwards to make her school day easier. I finally found someone

that has a clue concerning her meds. Its just heart breaking, and I

don't know what else I can do. I just hate when I'm told I don't

care. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr, but I gave up so much

for her. I gave up nursing school for a job in the school

cafeteria. Granted, I do love my job, but it wasn't my first

choice. But it makes me available for all her doctor appointments,

and they are compassionate when it comes to having to miss time for

her. Is this ever going to get better, or is this as good as it

gets? I feel so bad for her, because after the tantrums she doesn't

really remember them. And what she does remember she feels so bad

about saying. We are trying (her med person, and I) are trying to

keep her off the anti-psychotics. We had a bad experience with

weight gain the last time she was on them, and she already has a

weight problem. I just fear that it may be our last resort:-( Sorry

to go on like this, but it helps to vent. My husband works 2nd

shift, so he's not here for me to vent to, and I think he deals with

enough. Any advice????

Thanks,

Sheryl in MA

You rock. That's why

Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one

month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

[Guest guest]

{{{{{Donna}}}}} You must dread the holidays! I give you a lot of credit for holding your tongue and not telling your parents off. With a history like that, I would be very tempted to not visit. I know I see my MIL as little as possible because of how she's treated me over the years. It sounds like you really know your boys and go to great lengths to meet their needs and keep everyone as happy as possible. True signs of a great Mom! Mims Donna <donnalmoore@...> wrote: I relate to this, too. On Easter Sunday we went to take my parents out to lunch. It was an hour and a half drive and my 16yo did not want to go. We loaded the laptop, Playstation, portable DVD player , etc into the van to give him something to do, so he would not be “bored”! When we arrived he had fallen asleep listening to his music. My parents came out to greet us as I was waking him up and quietly reminding him that he needed to be polite and he would be able to get on Grandpa’s wireless internet and listen to his music etc. He was grouchy from just awaking. He got out of the van and announced that he did not want to be at their boring house. My mother responded by saying, “We don’t want you here either if you don’t

want to be here.” I turned to my mother and asked her not to say things like that to him. I didn’t say because it could start a meltdown and we don’t need that. My mother responded by asking, “What I can’t express my opinion, but he can?” I responded by saying “Mom, you know he has a disability, just ignore his comments and things will be fine” My mother yells, “I have a disability, too, I have high blood pressure.” At that point I just took off walking the mile circle that my parents street goes in to try and calm down before I said or did something to make things worse. When I got back I sat outside for a few minutes until my husband came out and then my dad. Then I had to listen to thirty minutes or more of my dad telling me that mom was tired of my son’s comments because this was the 9th or 10th time we had come there and he had said it. I apologized and told him that I was doing the best I

could to change the behavior. I assured him that I did have consequences and I was consistent and that I read books, researched the internet and was in support groups to find answers. I was doing all that I needed to do. Then, I have to listen to – well, the consequences must not be severe enough or long enough or meaningful enough. He feels that if my son can be appropriate some of the time, then he is choosing to be disrespectful and needs to learn. If he can learn one thing, he can learn another. I try explaining how much repetition it takes, and that we don’t visit my parents very often, so he doesn’t get the repetition. I didn’t say that we don’t visit often because I can’t deal with the stress of wondering what the boys might do wrong and what criticism I will face. I asked my dad how much he had read about my son’s disability and that I would be glad to send him info. He responded that he would look on the internet

himself. Let’s see I adopted this child 10 years ago and he is just now looking for info. This is my child who has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, not my 15yo with AS. My 15yo just went inside, found a corner, and played his Nintendo DS. I am thankful for this and other groups, too. I don’t feel alone and I realize that all families are basically the same. Donna Re: ( ) I feel so helpless Wow, Sheryl! Reading your story was like I wrote it. Your daughter sounds so much like mine. But mine isn't AS, she's Bipolar. There is a small light at the end of the tunnel, though. My daughter (17yo now) and I went through a looooooong stretch from the age of about 15 where she started telling me how bad a parent I am and how much she hated me. She has even called me a *itch and said the "fu" words to me. It got to where I still loved her with

all my heart and soul but I sure didn't like her very much, which lead to more guilt on my part because I thought "how can any mother dislike her child?".And like your daughter, the word "no" triggered the most serious rages. Even a minor disagreement in most families would start a rage. I sometimes thought she asked a question she knew would get a negative response just so she could "blow". Nowdays, the rages are less frequent and since SHE can see a light at the end of the tunnel (she starts college 77 miles away in the fall), things have gotten a whole lot more pleasant between us.If you ever need someone to talk to, you are welcome to email me. I understand completely what you are going through. RebaSheryl <sherylfoster@ gmail.com> wrote: I have been having a horrible time with my DD (11). Her mood swings, and tantrums have been getting worse. God help me if I tell her "no" to something. We celebrated my other DD's birthday this weekend, and she was aweful all weekend. She hated the fact that everyone was giving her sister attention. Two years in a row she has made a scene at her sisters birthday party. I understand her issues, but I hate the fact that I can't seem to reel her in when she goes off. I have had a horrible 3 months with her. 3 weeks of that included a partial hospitalization. I just wish I could stop feeling like I am failing as a mother. I have tried everything to make her life better, and yet she tells me that I don't love her, and that I don't care. I have advocated for her to the point that the school has bent over backwards to make her

school day easier. I finally found someone that has a clue concerning her meds. Its just heart breaking, and I don't know what else I can do. I just hate when I'm told I don't care. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr, but I gave up so much for her. I gave up nursing school for a job in the school cafeteria. Granted, I do love my job, but it wasn't my first choice. But it makes me available for all her doctor appointments, and they are compassionate when it comes to having to miss time for her. Is this ever going to get better, or is this as good as it gets? I feel so bad for her, because after the tantrums she doesn't really remember them. And what she does remember she feels so bad about saying. We are trying (her med person, and I) are trying to keep her off the anti-psychotics. We had a bad experience with weight gain the last time she was on them, and she already has a weight problem. I just fear that it may be

our last resort:-( Sorry to go on like this, but it helps to vent. My husband works 2nd shift, so he's not here for me to vent to, and I think he deals with enough. Any advice????Thanks,Sheryl in MA You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. You rock. That's why Blockbuster's

offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.