Re: How to deal with disrespect?

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just thought I'd let you know that we are going thru the same thing with our

DS (4). We get " fine " alot. Also, he says " I'm going to my room and slamming

my door. " Kinda humorous sometimes when he runs upstairs and keeps saying " I'm

gonna slam my door. " He will do it 5 - 10 times, opening & slamming his door.

We actually view this behavior as an improvement b/c he seems to realize when he

is spinning out of control & needs " alone time. " On the other hand, when we see

him starting to work up, or we know we are going to say something that he is

going to react negatively to, we verbally remind him to stay calm & " to keep it

under control. " Also, we try to sneak in a reward for good behavior. For

example, if we've changed plans from going to the playground in the evening, to

do grocery shopping in the evening (what kid wouldn't get ticked off!), we say

something like, " as it turns out we can't go to the playground tonight, but we

are going to the grocery store & if everyone behaves we'll buy some ice cream to

eat when we come home. "

The curious thing about my DS's " Fine " and door slamming behavior is when he

finely calms down. He says the strangest things like, " Oh, I know why I got so

upset...I thought the walls were painted blue downstairs, but they are really

green. " A statement which has nothing to do with nothing...he was really upset

b/c I won CandyLand, or b/c his little sister was pushing a toy car with her

right hand instead of her left hand. But, after he makes his unrelated

statement, the storm has passed, he has jusified it in his mind, & he is ready

to carry on. Odd.

Hang in there. I'm hoping that this will pass with time.

Sincerely,

>

> Ok guys… I’m at my wits end. My youngest does NOT deal well with not

having things go exactly his way. He blows up all the time. Problem is, 99% of

the time, when he does, it’s angry lashing out at us, and apparent

“disrespectâ€.

>

>

>

> He will stick his tongue out at us, he will make faces at us, if I calmly tell

him that maybe he should take a few minutes, or even take him to his “quiet

place†without the chit chat, he will yell “FINE†in the rudest possible

voice and stomp. Often, when I try to talk to him about it after the fact, he

doesn’t want to listen.

>

>

>

> This is COMPLETELY different from my eldest, who has never been QUITE so

disrespectful. Certainly not with me.

>

>

>

> While I know they are reacting, I still have NO idea how to go about curbing

this. I also know that my youngest is only 5, and therefore has yet to “Grow

out†of any of these types of reactions… but do I just ignore that? Do I

wait until he’s older and more “mature� Better able to hand the reasoning

behind why he can’t do that?

>

>

>

> My eldest, being almost 9, is starting to understand the conversations when we

talk about †" despite knowing he’s not TRYING to be rude, him doing and

saying certain things is going to be taken as rude by other people. And I see

him making an effort to change that, even when he doesn’t understand why he

should.

>

>

>

> My husbands thing is teaching our kids to always answer us with “yes momâ€

or “yes dad†even if they don’t understand or agree… but I’m not sure

that’s “enoughâ€.

>

>

>

> This tends to drive a wedge between my husband and I, which isn’t helping

>

>

>

> Any advice on how to approach this would be great. Thanks ladies… I’m at

the end of my rope here

>

>

>

> =)

>

[Guest guest]

I would use some social stories written up about some of the common problems he is having. Then show the correct way to respond. You might consider making a chart with stickers and adding rewards as appropriate for when he does respond the way you want. And I would start small - pick one thing you want to get rid of and focus on that.

Sometimes you will know in advance that he is going to explode and become rude. You can head it off by telling him, "I am going to say something that you probably will not be happy about....." and then tell him what you want from him. Also, teach him ways to be pissed off that are more acceptable and encourage him to use those methods instead. Telling him to just say "yes mom" and suck it up probably isn't going to work with him - sounds like he will be the kind of kid who requires explanations. lol.

Some of it also could be a "cause/effect" problem, which is not uncommon for kids like ours. He may not "blame" the right person or appreciate what caused the problem. So he lashes out at you - someone who is nearby usually. A lot of this needs to be worked on over time - not something he will "get" right away.

I would keep directing him to do what you want, even if he yells "fine" or sticks out his tongue. Tell him later that you know someday he will grow up and mature and not do that anym

ore. The moment he pauses to think first, praise him! Sometimes you can't wait for him to do the right thing but wait for a hesitation and praise him before he gets the chance to do it. Remember, baby steps.

Roxanna

Autism Happens

( ) How to deal with "disrespect"?

Ok guys… I’m at my wits end. My youngest does NOT deal well with

not having things go exactly hi

s way. He blows up all the time. Problem is, 99%

of the time, when he does, it’s angry lashing out at us, and apparent “disrespectâ€.

He will stick his tongue out at us, he will make faces at us, if

I calmly tell him that maybe he should take a few minutes, or even take him to

his “quiet place†without the chit chat, he will yell “FINE†in the rudest

possible voice and stomp. Often, when I try to talk to him about it after the

fact, he doesn’t want to listen.

This is COMPLETELY different from my eldest, who has never been

QUITE so disrespectful. Certainly not with me.

While I know they are reacting, I still have NO idea how to go

about curbing this. I also know that my youngest is only 5, and therefore has

yet to “Grow out†of any of these types of reactions… but do I just ignore

that? Do I wait until he’s older and more “mature� Better able to

hand the

reasoning behind why he can’t do that?

My eldest, being almost 9, is starting to understand the

conversations when we talk about – despite knowing he’s not TRYING to be rude,

him doing and saying certain things is going to be taken as rude by other

people. And I see him making an effort to change that, even when he doesn’t

understand why he should.

My husbands thing is teaching our kids to always answer us with “yes

mom†or “yes dad†even if they don’t understand or agree… but I’m not sure that’s

“enoughâ€.

This tends to drive a wedge between my husband and I, which isn’t

helping

Any advice on how to approach this would be great. Thanks ladies…

I’m at

the end of my rope here

=)

Wanna slim down for summer? Go to America Takes it Off to learn how.

[Guest guest]

I find it easier and more effective to put myself in time out. LOL. I say

things like, " I don't like being around you when you talk to me that way. " Then

I lock myself in my bedroom for a while. This is especially effective with my

daughter who does not have asperger syndrome and who feels she must have me with

her at all times when she is at home. It is much easier for me to stay in time

out than it is for me to make my kids stay in time out. I HATE having to fight

with the kids making them stay in time-out. My son's behavior would escalate.

With him I often found it more productive to make a huge deal of it when he was

doing the right things and to ignore his mistakes as long as it is safe, doesn't

hurt someone else's feelings, and doesn't damage property. Somehow my kids

saying rotten things to me doesn't hurt my feelings and often makes me laugh

which isn't the reaction they were going for so it doesn't last long. Once my

daughter told me, " I will never buy you another mothers day present AGAIN! " I

just busted up laughing.

My son, when he is angry and out of control, is usually frightened by his own

emotions. So I need to take that into consideration. It works best for me to

just not make a huge deal out of a lot of things. One of my responses has kind

of become a family joke. It takes all the power out of scary statements.

used to say, " I have to kill you! " or hit, or stab or kick or whatever. I

always say, " Go RIGHT ahead " in a kind of calm but slightly cheerful voice. He

learned quickly that saying scary things didn't mean he would really do them and

that I really knew the truth of it. He says these things only rarely now.

No two kids are alike and I find myself individualizing my parenting to my kids

just like I want the school to use an IEP. Time outs are an excellent choice

for parents who can stick with it. I don't think I have the attention span to

keep up with it. Knowing my own limits and know what I'm willing to follow

through on is important too. My husband will say, " I'm going to put you out of

the car! " Which is utter crap and I know he won't do it. I've said it and not

meant it, too. Though I usually actually do stop the car and make them get out

I wouldn't LEAVE them. Sometimes I stop the car, get out and kick my tires.

LOL Once I did actually put the kids out and leave them but this was a block

from my house and they actually really LIKED the idea. I said, " Stop fighting

or I'll put you out of the car " and they stopped and said, " Hey, lets walk

home! " So I let them out and drove slowly since there wasn't any traffic. That

way I could keep an eye on them. Maybe they just really needed a break from

being in the car.

I love coming up with lots of ways to handle parenting challenges. I don't know

why, but it's a creative process for me. I do the same when I sub as a 1:1

support person in the local school district. I use distraction and humor I

think of ways to buy time if someone is having a major problem. Once I had this

situation where the little girl in my care needed close supervision so she

wouldn't leave the building. Another support person told me, " Watch her, don't

let her go outside. " Then at recess she darted and insisted she was allowed.

The other support person, I have found out, is a lousy source of info but that's

another story. Anyway, I felt I had to keep her in until I could find someone

to tell me what to do. I couldn't go outside with her because she didn't give

me a chance to get my coat. I'm in New Hampshire, it was 20 degrees out. So

first I grabbed her arm knowing I really didn't WANT to be doing that but not

really having any other option given the bad information. nobody told me

ANYTHING except what the stupid support person said. Nobody even told me when I

could have lunch. Anyway, I didn't want to hang on to this kid. It isn't

appropriate, so I told her, " I know, I'm really lousy at this job, why don't we

go to the office and you can tell them how bad I am and they'll fire me. " This

stunned her so much she just stopped and stared. It bought me the time I needed

in order to FIND OUT WHAT TO DO! AGG. I thought that was pretty brilliant of

me, though. I had a feeling nobody had ever said that to her before, it just

isn't something people say.

It turned out that she was allowed out without me because apparently there are

enough adults outside at recess for it not to be a problem. Well, my kid has

the same, " don't let him out of your sight " order and I don't think they'd let

him just go on out without his support person because he tried to leave school

one day last fall. I don't think he'd actually run away but they are nervous

he'd try it again. So I really didn't have any decent info and I wasn't having

anyone get lost or hurt on my watch. AGG.

Miriam

> >

> > Ok guys… I’m at my wits end. My youngest does NOT deal well

with not having things go exactly his way. He blows up all the time. Problem is,

99% of the time, when he does, it’s angry lashing out at us, and apparent

 " disrespect�.

> >

> > 

> >

> > He will stick his tongue out at us, he will make faces at us, if I calmly

tell him that maybe he should take a few minutes, or even take him to his

 " quiet place� without the chit chat, he will yell

 " FINE� in the rudest possible voice and stomp. Often, when I try to

talk to him about it after the fact, he doesn’t want to listen.

> >

> > 

> >

> > This is COMPLETELY different from my eldest, who has never been QUITE so

disrespectful. Certainly not with me.

> >

> > 

> >

> > While I know they are reacting, I still have NO idea how to go about curbing

this. I also know that my youngest is only 5, and therefore has yet to

 " Grow out� of any of these types of reactions… but do I just

ignore that? Do I wait until he’s older and more  " mature�?

Better able to hand the reasoning behind why he can’t do that?

> >

> > 

> >

> > My eldest, being almost 9, is starting to understand the conversations when

we talk about †" despite knowing he’s not TRYING to be rude, him

doing and saying certain things is going to be taken as rude by other people.

And I see him making an effort to change that, even when he doesn’t

understand why he should.

> >

> > 

> >

> > My husbands thing is teaching our kids to always answer us with  " yes

mom� or  " yes dad� even if they don’t understand or

agree… but I’m not sure that’s  " enough�.

> >

> > 

> >

> > This tends to drive a wedge between my husband and I, which isn’t

helping

> >

> > 

> >

> > Any advice on how to approach this would be great. Thanks ladies…

I’m at the end of my rope here

> >

> > 

> >

> > =)

> >

>

>

>

>

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