Re: hitting others? How to stop it?

[Guest guest]

Would you walk up to me and kiss me? Or would you walk up to the neighbor down the block and hug them? For no reason. This has always been one of my big hold ups. I have always made my son and daughter make eye contact (even one second) shake the persons hand (even touch fingers) and say hi. I would never make either of my children have physical contact with a person if they are not ready and comfertable with it. That being said, my niece will hug anyone. And my niece is the one people really do remember as outgoing. But my son/daughter are the ones that are remembered as the polite children. So let your child be the judge of if he is ok with the hug or kiss. My children never greet their out of town relatives with hugs or kisses,

however after a day of visiting they do hug good bye.

Good luck,

Dar

From: melody_autumn06 <melodyh2006@...> Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 1:49:34 PMSubject: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it?

Anyone have ideas on how to stop your child (mine is 3yo) from hitting people? Basically, my son would sometimes try to hit others (very weak hit and it doesn't hurt at all). I began to notice that he tries to hit when 1) when we ask him to kiss or hug the person (family and friends that he sees rarely and who he is not familiar with)2) sometimes, when he doesn't get what he wants from the person What should I say to him or teach him? I already tell him, not to hit or you're not supposed to hit, but I need to do something else or approach in another way, to prevent him from hitting in the future. I was thinking that I should stop asking him to hug/kiss people he's not as familiar with and that's one way of avoiding the situation. Maybe this may work.. If anyone else have feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.Thanks,

[Guest guest]

That's a tough one. I understand how upsetting that can be. My son was a big

hitter when he was younger. It probably doesn't help you now to hear that he'll

grow out of it...and it might get worse before it gets better. With kids on the

spectrum it's hard to know why they are hitting. It's a good idea not to have

him hug or kiss anybody he doesn't want to. Maybe see if he'll do a high five or

a handshake if you feel it's important for him to give a greeting or farewell?

It's not unsual for three year olds to hit even if they're neurotypical. Just

continue to tell him no when he hits, and one day it will sink in. If he's

hurting somebody, remove him from the situation for a time out. With my son,

certain children who he percieved as threats he'd hit. If a kid was mean to him

once he'd remember it forever and always go to hit the kid. It ended up that

there wasn't anything I could do to fix it when he was young and we lost a lot

of friends. Now he's 11 and he's still the same way if he percieves somebody to

be a threat. He doesn't hit anymore, but he'll be obnoxious as all get out. He's

actually not my aspie, he's a little lower on the spectrum. But he outgrew the

hitting once he was old enough to get a better hold on his emotions. I'd say by

the time he was 5 or 6 he'd only hit if he was hit first

[Guest guest]

I am a standing joke with my husbands family, they do the "normal" family hug n kiss, my family never did, I don't like it, it makes me feel awkward, if I do try I get it wrong, bump noses or glasses etc, I cannot stand being cuddled either, this includes my husband, feel trapped/suffocated. Can't think of anything worse than having to do it to people that I see once in a blue moon. Wouldn't even try to get my Aspie son to do it, if he is polite and says Hi I am more than happy.

Only thing I can suggest with the hitting is being consistent.

From: Forgetful Friend <forgetful.friend@...>Subject: Re: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it? Date: Wednesday, 17 February, 2010, 2:15

Would you walk up to me and kiss me? Or would you walk up to the neighbor down the block and hug them? For no reason. This has always been one of my big hold ups. I have always made my son and daughter make eye contact (even one second) shake the persons hand (even touch fingers) and say hi. I would never make either of my children have physical contact with a person if they are not ready and comfertable with it.. That being said, my niece will hug anyone. And my niece is the one people really do remember as outgoing. But my son/daughter are the ones that are remembered as the polite children. So let your child be the judge of if he is ok with the hug or kiss. My children never greet their out of town relatives with hugs or kisses, however after a day of visiting they do hug good bye.

Good luck,

Dar

From: melody_autumn06 <melodyh2006> Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 1:49:34 PMSubject: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it?

Anyone have ideas on how to stop your child (mine is 3yo) from hitting people? Basically, my son would sometimes try to hit others (very weak hit and it doesn't hurt at all). I began to notice that he tries to hit when 1) when we ask him to kiss or hug the person (family and friends that he sees rarely and who he is not familiar with)2) sometimes, when he doesn't get what he wants from the person What should I say to him or teach him? I already tell him, not to hit or you're not supposed to hit, but I need to do something else or approach in another way, to prevent him from hitting in the future. I was thinking that I should stop asking him to hug/kiss people he's not as familiar with and that's one way of avoiding the situation. Maybe this may work.. If anyone else have feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.Thanks,

[Guest guest]

Oh Lorraine,

Hee hee. Are you my clone? Me too!!!!!!!!

My husband is very touchy and ugh.,......his fam is always sitting on their spouses laps, etc. It makes me cringe.

I, too, am thrilled when my kids say "Hi".......and like someone posted earlier, they may come around at teh end of a longer visit and hug. Also,,,the older most of my kids get, they DO hug.....out of "social norms" I think. Not cause they really want to.

It really is simple. Just treat others kindly and with respect.

Robin

From: Lorraine son <lorrainedavidson12@...>Subject: Re: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it? Date: Wednesday, February 17, 2010, 8:11 AM

I am a standing joke with my husbands family, they do the "normal" family hug n kiss, my family never did, I don't like it, it makes me feel awkward, if I do try I get it wrong, bump noses or glasses etc, I cannot stand being cuddled either, this includes my husband, feel trapped/suffocated. Can't think of anything worse than having to do it to people that I see once in a blue moon. Wouldn't even try to get my Aspie son to do it, if he is polite and says Hi I am more than happy.

Only thing I can suggest with the hitting is being consistent.

From: Forgetful Friend <forgetful.friend@ ..com>Subject: Re: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it? Date: Wednesday, 17 February, 2010, 2:15

Would you walk up to me and kiss me? Or would you walk up to the neighbor down the block and hug them? For no reason. This has always been one of my big hold ups. I have always made my son and daughter make eye contact (even one second) shake the persons hand (even touch fingers) and say hi. I would never make either of my children have physical contact with a person if they are not ready and comfertable with it.. That being said, my niece will hug anyone. And my niece is the one people really do remember as outgoing. But my son/daughter are the ones that are remembered as the polite children. So let your child be the judge of if he is ok with the hug or kiss. My children never greet their out of town relatives with hugs or kisses, however after a day of visiting they do hug good bye.

Good luck,

Dar

From: melody_autumn06 <melodyh2006> Sent: Tue, February 16, 2010 1:49:34 PMSubject: ( ) hitting others? How to stop it?

Anyone have ideas on how to stop your child (mine is 3yo) from hitting people? Basically, my son would sometimes try to hit others (very weak hit and it doesn't hurt at all). I began to notice that he tries to hit when 1) when we ask him to kiss or hug the person (family and friends that he sees rarely and who he is not familiar with)2) sometimes, when he doesn't get what he wants from the person What should I say to him or teach him? I already tell him, not to hit or you're not supposed to hit, but I need to do something else or approach in another way, to prevent him from hitting in the future. I was thinking that I should stop asking him to hug/kiss people he's not as familiar with and that's one way of avoiding the situation. Maybe this may work.. If anyone else have feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.Thanks,

[Guest guest]

I am not an expert but I have been working with Yale's Parenting and

Child conduct clinic and I am happy to share a few stratgies with you.

There are two main techniques to use. One is to use

gradual shaping. You start out with a very basic skill and

improve on it. So instead of asking him to kiss or hug. You

request him to say " hi " . And you praise that behavior every time

he does it calmly. And he earns stickers for doing so. Make

a big fuss an how polite he is too.

The other technique is that any time he kisses you or hugs you

make a big fuss and give positive reinforcement. Mild

consequence for hitting (perhaps at 3 years old that is simply

saying no hitting).

At age 12 if my daughter hits she has to do a non routine chore

for me (or else priveleges are on hold).

AS kids respond well to gradual shaping programs. It addresses their

underlying anxiety at any new or difficult skill and their ridgid

thinking.

good luck,

Pam

>

> Anyone have ideas on how to stop your child (mine is 3yo) from hitting people?

> Basically, my son would sometimes try to hit others (very weak hit and it

doesn't hurt at all). I began to notice that he tries to hit when

> 1) when we ask him to kiss or hug the person (family and friends that he sees

rarely and who he is not familiar with)

> 2) sometimes, when he doesn't get what he wants from the person

>

> What should I say to him or teach him? I already tell him, not to hit or

you're not supposed to hit, but I need to do something else or approach in

another way, to prevent him from hitting in the future.

> I was thinking that I should stop asking him to hug/kiss people he's not as

familiar with and that's one way of avoiding the situation.

> Maybe this may work.. If anyone else have feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with what the others said about hugging strangers. Try this as well - he is so little, he has no other way to "tell" people: "hey, this makes me uncomfortable and I'm weirded out by it". Or of course, when he doesn't get his way, "I'm upset". Try to give his "hitting" a voice so he can replace it with "no thank you" or "I wanted that". This does relieve some frustration. As soon as my son was able to replace hitting with words, he quit hitting. We now take his words "as gospel" when relating to other people. If Aunt Jo, 3 times removed wants a big hug and kiss, and he replies "no thank you", I'm quick as lightning to step in and give her a big hug and say "he's shy today, let's go get something to eat." My aunt loves my son very much and she has learned that saying hi, then going about her

business will eventually bring on a hug when he is comfortable, that is how it should be for anyone. Not just aspies. This isn't weird, it's polite. hthConnie

Anyone have ideas on how to stop your child (mine is 3yo) from hitting people? Basically, my son would sometimes try to hit others (very weak hit and it doesn't hurt at all). I began to notice that he tries to hit when 1) when we ask him to kiss or hug the person (family and friends that he sees rarely and who he is not familiar with)2) sometimes, when he doesn't get what he wants from the person What should I say to him or teach him? I already tell him, not to hit or you're not supposed to hit, but I need to do something else or approach in another way, to prevent him from hitting in the future. I was thinking that I should stop asking him to hug/kiss people he's not as familiar with and that's one way of avoiding the situation. Maybe this may work.. If anyone else have feedback, I'd appreciate it greatly.Thanks,