Re: Extreme focus with younger boys!!

[Guest guest]

My son is 13 and he gets along much better with kids that are 3-4 years younger than himself. They share the same interests and like to play the same games. The younger kids seem not to notice that there is something special about him. They share the same imagination.i agree. Just keep an eye on it. It should be ok.Janice in WisconsinOn Aug 31, 2009, at 7:38 PM, rushen janice wrote:hi...my son is 14 and he has a friend who just turned 17....I think it all depends on the kids...your son may not be as mature as most kids his age....they say AS children lag behind in maturity....and your son maybe a little obsessive over this friendship as he is probably excited and feels good to have a friend...my son can be that way to a degree...he wants to call his firend every 15 mi. if he isn't home on the first try. I have to tell him...NO...that will just turn the kid off to you I don't think it is strange....just keep an eye on things....there isn't anything sexual, is there or is it just the age difference that confuses you? I don't see anything wrong with the age difference...as long as the boys get along and have fun....and as far as your son sleeping over...well that is good...my son won't sleep over anyone's house...he won't even sleep over on a retreat with his dad going....so I think that part is a plus. JanJanice Rushen "I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"From: mark erickson <marandvick@...>Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PMHelp!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

hi...my son is 14 and he has a friend who just turned 17....I think it all depends on the kids...your son may not be as mature as most kids his age....they say AS children lag behind in maturity....and your son maybe a little obsessive over this friendship as he is probably excited and feels good to have a friend...my son can be that way to a degree...he wants to call his firend every 15 mi. if he isn't home on the first try. I have to tell him...NO...that will just turn the kid off to you

I don't think it is strange....just keep an eye on things....there isn't anything sexual, is there or is it just the age difference that confuses you? I don't see anything wrong with the age difference...as long as the boys get along and have fun....and as far as your son sleeping over...well that is good...my son won't sleep over anyone's house...he won't even sleep over on a retreat with his dad going....so I think that part is a plus.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: mark erickson <marandvick@...>Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PM

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this

group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

To reinterate what the other people have said, if you get bullied, picked on, taunted, teased, and assulted by your own age group (from time to time) your likely not to want to hang out with them anymore. And when your used to not having friends, you get a bit obsessive.

From: marandvick@...Date: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:16:02 -0700Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

Hotmail® is up to 70% faster. Now good news travels really fast. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all of you who has responded, regarding this troubling issue for us. I will have to just be honest with you guys. It really hurts to talk about it right now, but because I just want honest discussion so I can get honest, forthright answers from anybody willing to listen with an open heart. A year ago, my AS son (17yrs) confronted us (mind u he's the one who told us) that he has touched this one boy who is 13 yrs. (just stomach and arms) during a sleepover at our house while the boy was supposedly sleeping. Shock, despair, overwhelming pain flooded our hearts and minds. But we calmly received it and assured him we will get help and work through this as a family. Thus, we had church counseling and psychological counseling. But this psychologist never caught on to the AS, but attacked it more on the same sex

identity disorder. So for 8 months, my son underwent just talk therapy which resulted to not much of improvement. In fact, the dr. himself said, there's nothing much I can do for your son, since he is so stubborn and just refuses to change. So off we go looking for another dr. and this new dr. interviewed my dh and I lengthily about our son's childhood dev't. milestnes and voila in that 1 hr consult he dx AS. So it all makes sense why the cognitive therapy for 8 months never worked- duh!! They are just incapable due to neuro. disorders and they can't help it. Like I mentioned earlier, we ended this relationship with this 13 yr.boy. Later, upon encouragement from the dr. we did alert the parents of this boy, since they were really close friends to my other 13 r old son as well. Since then there has been no more contact. But now, my son is developing this same extrme focus with this 14 yr.boy. So there

lies our concern. My son is profoundly lonely as what his dr. said, and he enjoys the high regard that this younger boys give him. He was bullied mercilessly in jr. high and 9th gr. which explains why he doesn't want to be w/ peers and he is very immature and naive. He could not deal with the major cussing and inappropriate conversations at school. We would really like to think that there's no sexual motives in it, but being in the prime of teen life and all the hormones raging, where do u draw the distinction. It's a very scary line being he will soon turn 18 and by then we will have no control when he's out of the house. I share all these info- even how painful it is- because we want to be totally honest with everything and want honest opinions from u folks out there who might be experiencing the same issue. We are new to this group barely a week and I am enjoying all the comments and helpful advise given and

we really appreciate it. We are truly hurting and seeking desperately for answers. The initial news of his sexual identity disorder( SID) seemed like a death sentence for us parents and when the AS dx came (about 1 mo. ago) it was such a relief knowing that his SID might've had something to do with his AS. So sorry for this lengthy letter, but we really appreciate any help . God bless you all!!From: mark erickson <marandvick (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PMHelp!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own

peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your words. You are so right on!! My son was mercilessly bullied in jr. high and 9th gr. He wrote this essay on his life and it was so dark and so painful for us parents to read. In his own words he said " When the winter storm comes, it leaves behind chilling memories that can stay with one until the death bed carries him to the morgue. This is not a story with a happy ending... treading into the deep waters of an even deeper pit of feeling entirely alone." This is his outlook in life at 17. He is hungry for friendships and connecting with someone and can only find it with younger kids. But my real concern is outlined a bit lengthy in another mail if you could check that out as well. Thank u again for your time. From: G <fnofsports@...>Subject: RE: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!Aspergers Treatment Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 7:12 PM

To reinterate what the other people have said, if you get bullied, picked on, taunted, teased, and assulted by your own age group (from time to time) your likely not to want to hang out with them anymore. And when your used to not having friends, you get a bit obsessive.

From: marandvick (DOT) comDate: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:16:02 -0700Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this

group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

Hotmail® is up to 70% faster. Now good news travels really fast. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Mark....my heart goes out to you and your family. It is early in the am and I have to get ready for work...but I will respond later...with honesty....as I too have the same exact fears.

But, one thing....did your son touch this boys arms and legs because he was so pleased to have him as a friend? Or do you think it was in a Sexual way? I have a gut feeling ....your son was just overjoyed at having a Friend....and not being bullied and all that crap....can you talk to your son about it...does he understand...It sounds like he was just excited and like a child...he wanted to pet his new found friend...somewhat like a puppy.

I will post more...later.

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: mark erickson <marandvick (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PM

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

Hi,I know how it hurts to deal with a situation like that but you have to accept your son's problem without being disappointed and please be open minded...Does he have girl friends or does he have just boy friends?He eventually will find his sexual identity and you should be prepare to accept whatever it is...I have a son, 22 years old, sometimes I wonder if he is dating girls or boys. But whatever his sexual preference are, I will be there for him and I will not be surprise...I disagree with his therapist comment that there's nothing much he can do for your son, since he is so stubborn.The therapist is supposed to help him to find his identity and mold his behave, he is not supposed to change your son preferences. You son is supposed to find his own preferences himself and eventually he will..His sexual identity disorder( SID) is treatable, please do not feel that is a dead sentence, with the right resources he will find his own sexual orientation and the way of socially mold it to be acceptable for everyone....Change doctors, change therapist until you find the right one... ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PMHelp!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

Mark,

I haven't had to deal with sexual feelings from my Aspie daughter as she's only

6 (NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT EITHER!!!!) but regarding your son, how do you

think he would react if you sat him down and tried to speak with him openly

about his feelings toward boys and girls and friends? I know my daughter has a

very hard time lying - well, she tries, but she is terrible at it - and usually

when she does something, she'll tell us (the way your son told you about

touching the boy's stomach and arm) in casual conversation like it's no big

deal.

Perhaps you could give him the dreaded birds and the bees talk, and mention how

it is normal to have those types of feelings - also that some people have them

for friends of the same sex. I know our kids mature way more slowly, and he may

show his naivety by acting grossed out or very uncomfortable. If that happens,

I'd say it's safe to say that his interest in these younger boys is really only

friendship. At our ages and knowing what we know, it looks strange to all of us,

but your son my honestly just be wanting to be closer to these kids who have

shown him acceptance.

Again, way different situation, but my daughter loves bugs and animals, flowers

-anything having to do with nature- and having one near her and observing it is

IMPOSSIBLE without her going after it and HAVING to hold it; possess it. It's

like she wants it to be a part of her, and the only way she feels it is, is if

it is physically touching her. I'm not sure this is healthy either - especially

for the poor critters! - but keep in mind that they have a hard time with

abstract thinking. They don't feel the connection once something is out of their

reach, and they crave it so much that when it is around, they feel they have to

show their love/interest/NEED for that person or thing by constantly touching.

You could also ask him to describe his feelings for this boy. It sounds like he

is an awesome writer. You could ask him to write you a story about his friend.

Sounds a little basic for an older kid, but if he could put his true feelings on

paper, #1-you'd have an honest feel for his perception of the relationship, and

you could end it if you felt it was inappropriate, and #2-if his feelings are of

intense friendship and appreciation for this boy accepting him for who he is,

God forbid if any accusations ever came about, you'd have his words in writing

to show how innocent his intentions are.

Just trying to think from their point of view.....

Andie

[Guest guest]

It's hard for me to write this, because it's clear that your

background and beliefs are very different from mine, and I don't

want to offend you. But from what you've written, it sounds to

me like the therapist's diagnosis of " sexual identity disorder "

actually means he thinks your son is likely gay. There's nothing

in what you wrote to indicate an actual gender identity issue

such as transexualism. I'm not sure you can even conclude he's

gay, because your son's therapist so obviously has his own

agenda; I don't see how you could trust his diagnosis.

Reputable therapists don't consider homosexuality a sexual

identity disorder and they don't try to force their patients

to change. Whether or not even gay people who *want* to change

can do so is hotly debated, but I think most of the evidence so

far is against it. At most, they will force themselves to live

celibate, lonely lives and consider that a " cure. "

You certainly need to be concerned about your son being

attracted to younger boys, because that is something he could

get into serious legal trouble for. That needs to be addressed,

obviously. But his sexual identity is going to be what it's

going to be. Trying to force him to change will only drive him

away from you.

I am familiar with the pain you're going through, because

we thought for some time that my son might be transgendered.

At the moment, it appears more to have been a way of expressing

other feelings - he seems to believe that girls have everything

easy and if he could just be a girl, he wouldn't have all

his problems. But it was very scary and I still don't know

how it will turn out. What I do know is that he's my child and

I love him and I will give him whatever support he needs to

be who he is.

Willa

[Guest guest]

Great response!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: "tfitzge134@..." <tfitzge134@...> Sent: Tuesday, September 1, 2009 10:56:37 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

Hi,I know how it hurts to deal with a situation like that but you have to accept your son's problem without being disappointed and please be open minded...Does he have girl friends or does he have just boy friends?He eventually will find his sexual identity and you should be prepare to accept whatever it is...I have a son, 22 years old, sometimes I wonder if he is dating girls or boys. But whatever his sexual preference are, I will be there for him and I will not be surprise...I disagree with his therapist comment that there's nothing much he can do for your son, since he is so stubborn.The therapist is supposed to help him to find his identity and mold his behave, he is not supposed to change your son preferences. You son is supposed to find his own preferences himself and eventually he will..His sexual identity disorder( SID) is

treatable, please do not feel that is a dead sentence, with the right resources he will find his own sexual orientation and the way of socially mold it to be acceptable for everyone....Change doctors, change therapist until you find the right one... ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PMHelp!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's

confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

Yeah...I agree with Willa....I didn't really get that dX....about Sexual Indentity....I think the problems relys on more if your son would be inappropriate with a younger boy or he was just so excited to have a friend.....and my guts tells me ...it is the friendship. Have you spoken to him about this...and what does he reply. Does he know he should not be touching other people in general....some kids like the feeling of softness or touch others don't. You need to speak freely and openly with your son....if you feel it is more sexual...than by all means....cut off the relationship....but it maybe just friendship...

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Willa Hunt <willaful@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 1:36 PM

It's hard for me to write this, because it's clear that yourbackground and beliefs are very different from mine, and I don'twant to offend you. But from what you've written, it sounds tome like the therapist's diagnosis of "sexual identity disorder"actually means he thinks your son is likely gay. There's nothingin what you wrote to indicate an actual gender identity issuesuch as transexualism. I'm not sure you can even conclude he'sgay, because your son's therapist so obviously has his ownagenda; I don't see how you could trust his diagnosis.Reputable therapists don't consider homosexuality a sexualidentity disorder and they don't try to force their patientsto change. Whether or not even gay people who *want* to changecan do so is hotly debated, but I think most of the evidence sofar is against it. At most, they will force themselves to livecelibate, lonely lives and consider that a

"cure."You certainly need to be concerned about your son beingattracted to younger boys, because that is something he couldget into serious legal trouble for. That needs to be addressed,obviously. But his sexual identity is going to be what it'sgoing to be. Trying to force him to change will only drive himaway from you.I am familiar with the pain you're going through, becausewe thought for some time that my son might be transgendered.At the moment, it appears more to have been a way of expressingother feelings - he seems to believe that girls have everythingeasy and if he could just be a girl, he wouldn't have allhis problems. But it was very scary and I still don't knowhow it will turn out. What I do know is that he's my child andI love him and I will give him whatever support he needs tobe who he is.Willa

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your comments and suggestions. My husband already has had the birds and bees talk with my son when he was about 13 and that was before he got dx with AS. They listened to a series of tapes about Preparing for Adolescence by Dr. Dobson. It was just a father/son thing. And yes, he is aware about the inappropriateness of the touching that he did which explains the guilt he was feeling when he admitted it to us. So when he confessed it to us we just explained it to him that it was wrong and the repercussions of such actions. As a parent, we can just sense and observe the obsession my son had for this kid. during the pre-AS dx, we just assumed that he was sexually attracted to this younger boykid, but now in the post-AS dx, maybe it is not sexual after all and he is just curious and he just

misread the cues there and due to his traumatic bullying season in his life, he just enjoys the acceptance and admiration he gets from the younger boys. He claims he is interested in girls but he has very low self-esteem and is very shy in talking to them. So he is a very confused 17 yr. old young man. But, we are loving him through all these- that's all you can do as a parent. Yes, he is an amazing writer, very intuitive and reflective but also very dark. If I can find a way to scan one of his writings and share with you all, you will get an insight of how dark and painfully lonely he is inside. It just makes you cry for his pain. Sounds like you have a very sweet loving daughter. Enjoy her as much as you can, they grow up so fast. Thank you again and God bless!!

Vickie

From: andie6294 <andie6294@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 9:10 AM

Mark,I haven't had to deal with sexual feelings from my Aspie daughter as she's only 6 (NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT EITHER!!!!) but regarding your son, how do you think he would react if you sat him down and tried to speak with him openly about his feelings toward boys and girls and friends? I know my daughter has a very hard time lying - well, she tries, but she is terrible at it - and usually when she does something, she'll tell us (the way your son told you about touching the boy's stomach and arm) in casual conversation like it's no big deal.Perhaps you could give him the dreaded birds and the bees talk, and mention how it is normal to have those types of feelings - also that some people have them for friends of the same sex. I know our kids mature way more slowly, and he may show his naivety by acting grossed out or very uncomfortable. If that happens, I'd say it's safe to say that his interest in these younger boys is really only

friendship. At our ages and knowing what we know, it looks strange to all of us, but your son my honestly just be wanting to be closer to these kids who have shown him acceptance. Again, way different situation, but my daughter loves bugs and animals, flowers -anything having to do with nature- and having one near her and observing it is IMPOSSIBLE without her going after it and HAVING to hold it; possess it. It's like she wants it to be a part of her, and the only way she feels it is, is if it is physically touching her. I'm not sure this is healthy either - especially for the poor critters! - but keep in mind that they have a hard time with abstract thinking. They don't feel the connection once something is out of their reach, and they crave it so much that when it is around, they feel they have to show their love/interest/ NEED for that person or thing by constantly touching. You could also ask him to describe his feelings for this

boy. It sounds like he is an awesome writer. You could ask him to write you a story about his friend. Sounds a little basic for an older kid, but if he could put his true feelings on paper, #1-you'd have an honest feel for his perception of the relationship, and you could end it if you felt it was inappropriate, and #2-if his feelings are of intense friendship and appreciation for this boy accepting him for who he is, God forbid if any accusations ever came about, you'd have his words in writing to show how innocent his intentions are.Just trying to think from their point of view.....Andie

[Guest guest]

I don't know what to make of the touching. I didn't feel upset by what he did.

It just strikes me that our kids need all this stuff spelled out.

I don't know what kind of a rule to make for him. Tell him he can't touch any

private areas of people young or otherwise.

Make it black and white for his safety. Even if he

had some interest in boys in another way he is too young and more like

a 13 year old. He is too young to act on these feelings if he has them.

Spell it all out in unemotional ways. Tell him

about how boys often feel like touching themselves in private areas but he is

not to do this anywhere but in the bathroom at home behind a locked door. If you

don't spell it out so clearly he will be thinking too much about where and when

this is OK. Who knows if he shares a bedroom sometime or has a sleepover. Spell

it out he is not to talk about private areas or private acts either. It is

normal to think about but not to talk about.

I may be spelling things out too restrictive but it is a start.

Let him know he could get into trouble for touching others or himself

(outside of the bathroom at home). " Why he may ask I am not hurting anyone " I

would keep it simple private body areas means private.

Your son is 17 but he is more like 13 I would guess if he is like

so many of our kids. So he is not ready for a relationship

anyway.

If he is going to be more independent like away at college soon,

you will have to step up a conversation on sexual issues.

I would talk to him like a 13 year old that he is too young to

engage in any sex acts that involve his or other private parts.

And that noone is to ask him to do private area things either.

I fear for our kids. They may just want to have some hugs and

feel connected and then the next thing someone could take

advantage of them in a way they are not ready for.

Or worse they can be the victims of crimes.

The issues with being bullied and his perhaps depressed feelings

may make him feel desperate for friends but it does not mean

that the private area talk needs to be ignored. It really is two

problems.

I think the harder problem to solve for our kids if helping them find

someway to fit in and not be so lonely. First of all though they

really have to follow the unwritten social rules.

My daughter fits in 90% of the time but then someone in a group

is not " fair " and she gets all emotional and bossy over fairness

and then the girls see her as weird. Well she made a mountain out of a molehill.

But not in her eyes.

I don't have any simple answers on solving loneliness except that

they have to stay within the norms of acceptable

behaviors even if they have restricted interests.

Good luck,

Pam

>

> From: G <fnofsports@...>

> Subject: RE: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

> Aspergers Treatment

> Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 7:12 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> To reinterate what the other people have said, if you get bullied, picked on,

taunted, teased, and assulted by your own age group (from time to time) your

likely not to want to hang out with them anymore.  And when your used to not

having friends, you get a bit obsessive.

>  

>

>

>

> From: marandvick (DOT) com

> Date: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:16:02 -0700

> Subject: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys.  My

son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago.  He has this extreme

focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot.  My son has

had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs.

younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards

extreme obsession.  My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just

refuses to associate with them except for school stuff.  Especially now that

he's confronted with this dx,  he's now using this as an excuse why all the more

he does not want to be with peers at all.  He has been nagging us the past 2

days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger

son (13yrs).  It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep

over. 

> Help!! we are still new to this group.  Is there anyone out there at all

dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Hotmail® is up to 70% faster. Now good news travels really fast. Try it now.

>

[Guest guest]

Vickie, I agree with most of the comments that have come before me. The most

important aspect IMO is that as a 17 year old he is at extreme danger of legal

problems for touching younger kids. To me the gender of the younger kid is not

relavant. It is not uncommon for our kids to be more comfortable with older

and/or younger people rather than their own age group.

I can only help thinking of this senario from the " normal " perspective. What if

you were a parent of a 14 year old girl and she was hanging out with a 17 year

old boy. If an accusation of some sort of touching were made by the girl or her

parents the 17 year old, Aspergers or not, would be in a heap of trouble.

I think that you are right to be concerned, so what to do? I think that having

some really frank discussions with him about sexuallity are a must. By this I

don't mean simply the birds and the bees but how different people react to

different things. I think that you need to talk about homosexuallity and how

some people view it as wrong. I think you need to tell him that gay people get

harrassed and teased and it can be considered by some to be a insult to be

called gay. Then talk to him about what could have happened if his friend had

been awake when he touched him. What if he had gotten angry and called him

names or went to his parents and said that he was a pervert (explain what a

pervert is if he doesn't know). Talk to him about the law and what could happen

to him if he was accused of being a pedophile (explain that term if he doesn't

know).

I believe that the only thing as parents we can do (especially as our kids get

close to adulthood) is to make sure that they are informed. We cannot protect

them from reality. Whether or not your son or my son is gay or straight is not

nearly as important as knowing and understanding our society and our laws.

Because like it or not our kids having Aspergers will not (and should not) keep

them from the consequences of breaking the law.

(Another) Vickie

>

>

> From: Willa Hunt <willaful@...>

> Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

>

> Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 1:36 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

> It's hard for me to write this, because it's clear that your

> background and beliefs are very different from mine, and I don't

> want to offend you. But from what you've written, it sounds to

> me like the therapist's diagnosis of " sexual identity disorder "

> actually means he thinks your son is likely gay. There's nothing

> in what you wrote to indicate an actual gender identity issue

> such as transexualism. I'm not sure you can even conclude he's

> gay, because your son's therapist so obviously has his own

> agenda; I don't see how you could trust his diagnosis.

>

> Reputable therapists don't consider homosexuality a sexual

> identity disorder and they don't try to force their patients

> to change. Whether or not even gay people who *want* to change

> can do so is hotly debated, but I think most of the evidence so

> far is against it. At most, they will force themselves to live

> celibate, lonely lives and consider that a " cure. "

>

> You certainly need to be concerned about your son being

> attracted to younger boys, because that is something he could

> get into serious legal trouble for. That needs to be addressed,

> obviously. But his sexual identity is going to be what it's

> going to be. Trying to force him to change will only drive him

> away from you.

>

> I am familiar with the pain you're going through, because

> we thought for some time that my son might be transgendered.

> At the moment, it appears more to have been a way of expressing

> other feelings - he seems to believe that girls have everything

> easy and if he could just be a girl, he wouldn't have all

> his problems. But it was very scary and I still don't know

> how it will turn out. What I do know is that he's my child and

> I love him and I will give him whatever support he needs to

> be who he is.

>

> Willa

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, my son is very informed about the consequences of what he did. We informed him about pedophilia. Definitely, we had the serious talks with him about sexuality and all. Also, his current psych. has informed him of the seriousness of such actionsand was very honest about how the law will treat it. In fact, his previous psych for 8 mo. has informed him of the repecussions of such lifestlye. In spite of all these talks with him, I just don't know how much is really getting into their brain matter. He still appears very obsessed about this 14 yo boy and he tells us that he now knows his boundaries and will not act on it. He tells us that he will not jeopardize this relationship this time by doing anything inappropriate. But how much of this do we take as truth?? I know that being

obsessive is an As trait and having friends younger is also AS trait. So needless to say, we are still confused at this point and is praying for wisdom as to how to deal w/ it. We only have 1 more yr before he turns 18 . by then who knows what he will do. From what I've been reading in this group so far, none has had similar issues like mine. When I hear from others how their son is interested in girls etc, i just wish my son did. He claims he is interested , just that he is soooo shy around them due to low self-esteem. So he obsesses over younger boys who is easier to talk to and befriend according to him.

Still confused,

Vickie

From: baneline1 <baneline1@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Thursday, September 3, 2009, 2:07 PM

Vickie, I agree with most of the comments that have come before me. The most important aspect IMO is that as a 17 year old he is at extreme danger of legal problems for touching younger kids. To me the gender of the younger kid is not relavant. It is not uncommon for our kids to be more comfortable with older and/or younger people rather than their own age group.I can only help thinking of this senario from the "normal" perspective. What if you were a parent of a 14 year old girl and she was hanging out with a 17 year old boy. If an accusation of some sort of touching were made by the girl or her parents the 17 year old, Aspergers or not, would be in a heap of trouble.I think that you are right to be concerned, so what to do? I think that having some really frank discussions with him about sexuallity are a must. By this I don't mean simply the birds and the bees but how different people react to different things. I think that you

need to talk about homosexuallity and how some people view it as wrong. I think you need to tell him that gay people get harrassed and teased and it can be considered by some to be a insult to be called gay. Then talk to him about what could have happened if his friend had been awake when he touched him. What if he had gotten angry and called him names or went to his parents and said that he was a pervert (explain what a pervert is if he doesn't know). Talk to him about the law and what could happen to him if he was accused of being a pedophile (explain that term if he doesn't know). I believe that the only thing as parents we can do (especially as our kids get close to adulthood) is to make sure that they are informed. We cannot protect them from reality. Whether or not your son or my son is gay or straight is not nearly as important as knowing and understanding our society and our laws. Because like it or not our kids having Aspergers will not

(and should not) keep them from the consequences of breaking the law. (Another) Vickie > > > From: Willa Hunt <willaful@.. .>> Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!> > Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 1:36 PM> > > > > > > > It's hard for me to write this, because it's clear that your> background and beliefs are very different from mine, and I don't> want to offend you. But from what you've written, it sounds

to> me like the therapist's diagnosis of "sexual identity disorder"> actually means he thinks your son is likely gay. There's nothing> in what you wrote to indicate an actual gender identity issue> such as transexualism. I'm not sure you can even conclude he's> gay, because your son's therapist so obviously has his own> agenda; I don't see how you could trust his diagnosis.> > Reputable therapists don't consider homosexuality a sexual> identity disorder and they don't try to force their patients> to change. Whether or not even gay people who *want* to change> can do so is hotly debated, but I think most of the evidence so> far is against it. At most, they will force themselves to live> celibate, lonely lives and consider that a "cure."> > You certainly need to be concerned about your son being> attracted to younger boys, because that is

something he could> get into serious legal trouble for. That needs to be addressed,> obviously. But his sexual identity is going to be what it's> going to be. Trying to force him to change will only drive him> away from you.> > I am familiar with the pain you're going through, because> we thought for some time that my son might be transgendered.> At the moment, it appears more to have been a way of expressing> other feelings - he seems to believe that girls have everything> easy and if he could just be a girl, he wouldn't have all> his problems. But it was very scary and I still don't know> how it will turn out. What I do know is that he's my child and> I love him and I will give him whatever support he needs to> be who he is.> > Willa>

[Guest guest]

Well, I wouldn't let him sleep over. He is probably just really

immature so he relates better with younger kids. If he gets obsessive,

that might be a different problem (OCD) that you can work on with

meds/therapy. I think it would all depend upon what they like to do

together, if it were my kid. My older ds hangs out with a younger guy

but they are both computer geeky and play the same RPG games online.

If he has an interest together with someone, I would not mind as much

about ages. Another thing to consider is to get him interested in

activities without the emphasis on ages of peers. Chess club, swim

team, etc.

 Roxanna

" The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

nothing. " E. Burke

( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger

boys.  My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. 

He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk

and text a lot.  My son has had some obsessive relationship with

another kid last year also about 4 yrs. y

ounger than my son and we just

had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession.  My son

has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to

associate with them except for school stuff.  Especially now that he's

confronted with this dx,  he's now using this as an excuse why all the

more he does not want to be with peers at all.  He has been nagging us

the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house

together with my younger son (13yrs).  It just does not seem normal at

17

to still want to do sleep over. 

Help!! we are still new to this group.  Is there anyone out there at

all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your

help.

[Guest guest]

whoa, lots of information. lol. You might try to find a

psychologist/therapist in your area who is familiar with AS teens and

knows how to deal with them. You have to be wary of

psychologist/therapists because each person will see the problem from

their own specialty. A therapist who deals with kids who have AS will

have a better grasp of things when working with him. It sounds like he

is just a miserable kid and the younger kid attraction is a matter of

being accepted at last. But who knows? A therapist who is qualified

could help him work on things. Also a social skill group would be

important so he can learn ways of dealing with people. What kind of

job does he want to have in life? As for his age being almost 18, you

can have him conserved if you feel it is important to do so and if he

is incapable of living independently. I mean, there looks to be a lot

of information around the edges of this situation. I think I would

look for qualified people to help with career building/social skills

building activities and work out from that point. You know, if it

turns out that this obsession with younger boys is a problem and not

OCD/friendship/social skill deficit related, then you can find

appropriate help for him there. I wonder if he can have a good

relationship with kids his own age if they were nice kids and had

common interests?

As for the doc20who said he is " too stubborn " and will never change,

that is BS. But it is not an overnight process. He can be taught and

learn the skills he needs to act appropriately. It just will require a

lot of work and skilled therapists/psychologist to help him. I know

with my 20 yo, he often disagrees with what I'm saying initially. But

I have learned to keep explaining and using examples. Usually, he will

hear that and take time to mull it over before changing his mind. He

usually requires " proof " instead of taking anyone's word on things he

already believes. But I don't give up just because he is stubborn on

the surface. Being rigid is a problem but not one that cannot be

worked at. But the more they experience and learn, the more apt they

are to become adaptable. So don't give up.

 Roxanna

" The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

nothing. " E. Burke

( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 8:16 PM

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger

boys.  My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. 

He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk

and text a lot.  My son has had some obsessive relationship with

another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just

had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession.  My son

has pretty much rejected his own

peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school

stuff.  Espec

ially now that he's confronted with this dx,  he's now

using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with

peers at all.  He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping

over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son

(13yrs).  It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep

over.  

Help!! we are still new to this group.  Is there anyone out there at

all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your

help.

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you have done everything you can. It must be unbelievably

difficult. My son is only 11 so I have not yet had to deal with any of the

sexual stuff yet. I wish that I could give you some more help. My thoughts and

prayers are with you.

Vickie

> >

> >

> > From: Willa Hunt <willaful@ .>

> > Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!!

> >

> > Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009, 1:36 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > It's hard for me to write this, because it's clear that your

> > background and beliefs are very different from mine, and I don't

> > want to offend you. But from what you've written, it sounds to

> > me like the therapist's diagnosis of " sexual identity disorder "

> > actually means he thinks your son is likely gay. There's nothing

> > in what you wrote to indicate an actual gender identity issue

> > such as transexualism. I'm not sure you can even conclude he's

> > gay, because your son's therapist so obviously has his own

> > agenda; I don't see how you could trust his diagnosis.

> >

> > Reputable therapists don't consider homosexuality a sexual

> > identity disorder and they don't try to force their patients

> > to change. Whether or not even gay people who *want* to change

> > can do so is hotly debated, but I think most of the evidence so

> > far is against it. At most, they will force themselves to live

> > celibate, lonely lives and consider that a " cure. "

> >

> > You certainly need to be concerned about your son being

> > attracted to younger boys, because that is something he could

> > get into serious legal trouble for. That needs to be addressed,

> > obviously. But his sexual identity is going to be what it's

> > going to be. Trying to force him to change will only drive him

> > away from you.

> >

> > I am familiar with the pain you're going through, because

> > we thought for some time that my son might be transgendered.

> > At the moment, it appears more to have been a way of expressing

> > other feelings - he seems to believe that girls have everything

> > easy and if he could just be a girl, he wouldn't have all

> > his problems. But it was very scary and I still don't know

> > how it will turn out. What I do know is that he's my child and

> > I love him and I will give him whatever support he needs to

> > be who he is.

> >

> > Willa

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just an FYI. I saw Tony Attwood speak a few months ago. He made a point that stuck with me. A lot of youth who present with Aspergers are 5 years delayed in typical development (social, relationships, judgement, problem solving, decision making). I see it in my own son who is 18. You may want to talk with your son's dr. or therapist on the best way to approach the issue of wanting to engage with younger peers. Maybe you could find a group via your local autism society that has social groups for teenagers your son's age. Pam

In a message dated 8/31/2009 8:16:26 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, marandvick@... writes:

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

I'm reading Tony Attwood, I would say its really worth a look, it makes a lot of sense.

From: ppanda65@... <ppanda65@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009, 4:20 PM

Just an FYI. I saw Tony Attwood speak a few months ago. He made a point that stuck with me. A lot of youth who present with Aspergers are 5 years delayed in typical development (social, relationships, judgement, problem solving, decision making). I see it in my own son who is 18. You may want to talk with your son's dr. or therapist on the best way to approach the issue of wanting to engage with younger peers. Maybe you could find a group via your local autism society that has social groups for teenagers your son's age. Pam

In a message dated 8/31/2009 8:16:26 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, marandvick (DOT) com writes:

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this

group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.

[Guest guest]

I've always been curious about Tony Atwood. Thnx for your input. I might get his book. Yes, i've read, too, that AS kids are 3-4 yrs. younger than their chrono age. Yes, we've been talking to our son's psych dr and he says this is typical, and just to make sure that they are always in a group setting, never alone by themselves, since my son has had a previous episode of touching (just arms and stomach) another younger boy. I wonder if Tony A had any input w/ regards to that matter. Thnx again.

From: ppanda65aol (DOT) com <ppanda65aol (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) Extreme focus with younger boys!! Date: Tuesday, 15 September, 2009, 4:20 PM

Just an FYI. I saw Tony Attwood speak a few months ago. He made a point that stuck with me. A lot of youth who present with Aspergers are 5 years delayed in typical development (social, relationships, judgement, problem solving, decision making). I see it in my own son who is 18. You may want to talk with your son's dr. or therapist on the best way to approach the issue of wanting to engage with younger peers. Maybe you could find a group via your local autism society that has social groups for teenagers your son's age. Pam

In a message dated 8/31/2009 8:16:26 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, marandvick (DOT) com writes:

Help!! I really need help with my son's extreme focus with younger boys. My son is 17 yrs. old just dx with AS about 1 1/2 months ago. He has this extreme focus on this one 14 yr. old boy and they just talk and text a lot. My son has had some obsessive relationship with another kid last year also about 4 yrs. younger than my son and we just had to end it as we see it heading towards extreme obsession. My son has pretty much rejected his own peer group and just refuses to associate with them except for school stuff. Especially now that he's confronted with this dx, he's now using this as an excuse why all the more he does not want to be with peers at all. He has been nagging us the past 2 days about sleeping over at this 14 yr. old boys house together with my younger son (13yrs). It just does not seem normal at 17 to still want to do sleep over. Help!! we are still new to this

group. Is there anyone out there at all dealing with this kind of issue?? Thank you in advance for your help.