Re: How do you handle insensitve family?

[Guest guest]

I don't know if this is the *best* way to handle it, but I would

definitely intercede. Tell her she's making him uncomfortable at

the time, politely but firmly. Physically take him away from her

if I could tell she was distrubing him. I think our kids need

to know we will stick up for them.

Willa

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear about the problems with your sister-in-law. Reminds me of some of

my own clueless relatives at family gatherings.

When my son was small, I sometimes felt like a prisoner. He had so many rules -

so many strong likes & dislikes. Certain smells, clothing textures,

temperatures, noises would drive him crazy. More than once I had to cancel plans

at the last minute because my son was having a really bad day and was out of

control.

When it comes to family, what can you do? On one hand, you have to go, and on

the other hand, you are asking your son to go to an event that is really

stressful for him, and if he's not happy, then no one's happy.

You've already reached out to your sister-in-law to explain his condition. I

hope that she will learn eventually to take your son as he is, but until then

the next best thing is to keep your son and sister-in-law separated if they are

in the same room. Your son will eventually find ways to cope when he's being

pushed over the edge, but at 4 he is really too young to know what is going on.

Maybe you can recruit other relatives to help you keep an eye on your son at

family gatherings. I suggest asking someone to be his " go-to " person and then,

if they agree, walking your son over at the event and telling him that this

person is his go-to person for today and that person can help him if Mom & Dad

aren't there. I'd give his go-to person some suggestions about what would help

your son be comfortable - like taking a walk, watching a movie, playing a card

game, getting a snack, playing with a pet, reading a book, or even helping him

find a quiet space to be alone. I'd also mention some things that you know will

push your son over the edge - like being around his sister-in-law. (The list of

likes and dislikes will change as he gets older.)

Eventually, it will be easier for him to know what to do to calm himself down.

My son is older and so uses an Ipod or a hand-held game to help calm himself

down when he's stressed or overstimulated. He'll also fiddle with his cell phone

or go somewhere where he can be alone. He's gotten very good at immediately

leaving an area or ignoring someone if he's being bullied, but it took time for

him (and me) to figure out the early warning signs of a meltdown.

Something I realized over time was that my son was not the only person in the

family with AS. You might think about this at your next family event. The adults

who are on the spectrum (but aren't diagnosed) would make great " go-to " people

since they will intuitively " get " your son.