Re: Disappointed and Angry

[Guest guest]

Hey....hey...I know life can suck ....take a big deep breath...good for a nice long walk...go to the movies or do something w/out you son. It is OKAY! My son was the same way! They don't like trying new things....I sort of gave up and will wait for him to want to do it. I tried the swim lessons but the water was way too cold so he never got in...wasted my time and money too! But we went to this pool and he was in it with all the other kids and basically learned to swim and dive on his own...and now he is a great swimmer.

One thing I found out the hard way...we can not push our kids into doing something they don't want....I learned the hard way. Yes we need to expose them to life's wonders and all but we can not push them....they need to want to do it. My son wanted to work out with weights ...and he did...and liked it....and went 3 times or more a week...but now he slacked off and I am not going to push it...when he is ready to go back ..he will.

I know anxiety and fear play a large part for my son...he won't skate board, snow board or ski....and I am not going to push it. He will find his nich. And, this is true for all our kids.

So relax....you son peed in the pool probably because he was afraid and nervous. Think about it...years from now you'll be laughing about it.

I think the hardest thing for all us moms is that our children are not like all the "other" children....and it is hard to be places and watch all the kids having fun and hanging out with each other....and doing different things....and there are our kids. This occurred to me one sunday in Church when all the students ran the service. I watched all the other kids doing parts of the service and realized ...my son could never do any of that...and how I wish he could have....would have...and what he was missing out on. But, he is who he is and I have to be accepting of that and knowing he will come of his own one day.

And, thus, you need to too! Your child will flourish and make his way...on his own terms and his own way...and Yes it is hard and stressful. But we are all here to help each other thru these hard moments when we want to scream and shout and yell and say Life Sucks....but it only sucks at the moment...not forever. So, take a break....you are a good mom and person...take a break from it all and then start all over again fresh!

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: haackia <haackia@...>Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM

I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.Id

[Guest guest]

Wow, you really nailed how I feel. You are so right about everything. Thanks, I needed a reality check.

Ide

From: rushen janice <jrushen@...> Sent: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 12:14:12 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Disappointed and Angry

Hey....hey.. .I know life can suck ....take a big deep breath...good for a nice long walk...go to the movies or do something w/out you son. It is OKAY! My son was the same way! They don't like trying new things....I sort of gave up and will wait for him to want to do it. I tried the swim lessons but the water was way too cold so he never got in...wasted my time and money too! But we went to this pool and he was in it with all the other kids and basically learned to swim and dive on his own...and now he is a great swimmer.

One thing I found out the hard way...we can not push our kids into doing something they don't want....I learned the hard way. Yes we need to expose them to life's wonders and all but we can not push them....they need to want to do it. My son wanted to work out with weights ...and he did...and liked it....and went 3 times or more a week...but now he slacked off and I am not going to push it...when he is ready to go back ..he will.

I know anxiety and fear play a large part for my son...he won't skate board, snow board or ski....and I am not going to push it. He will find his nich. And, this is true for all our kids.

So relax....you son peed in the pool probably because he was afraid and nervous. Think about it...years from now you'll be laughing about it.

I think the hardest thing for all us moms is that our children are not like all the "other" children.... and it is hard to be places and watch all the kids having fun and hanging out with each other....and doing different things....and there are our kids. This occurred to me one sunday in Church when all the students ran the service. I watched all the other kids doing parts of the service and realized ...my son could never do any of that...and how I wish he could have....would have...and what he was missing out on. But, he is who he is and I have to be accepting of that and knowing he will come of his own one day.

And, thus, you need to too! Your child will flourish and make his way...on his own terms and his own way...and Yes it is hard and stressful. But we are all here to help each other thru these hard moments when we want to scream and shout and yell and say Life Sucks....but it only sucks at the moment...not forever. So, take a break....you are a good mom and person...take a break from it all and then start all over again fresh!

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: haackia <haackia (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM

I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.Id

[Guest guest]

Yes! Janice you are right on! I can so relate to Ide, having felt that angry miserable mood many a times, and when sanity returns to my head, I am thinking like Janice again. You just go back and forth, from one to the other, hoping for more good days and good times, at least knowing that the horrible days are fewer and father between, and that EVERYONE has the bad mood, angry, miserable "bad mother" feeling days. Also, recognizing when I am just fried, telling yourself it is OK to get away and spend time away from the situation!

( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM

I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.Id

[Guest guest]

>

> One thing I found out the hard way...we can not push our kids into doing

something they don't want....I learned the hard way.  Yes we need to expose them

to life's wonders and all but we can not push them....they need to want to do

it.  My son wanted to work out with weights ...and he did...and liked it....and

went 3 times or more a week...but now he slacked off and I am not going to push

it...when he is ready to go back ..he will. 

I find this very validating. I'm so tired of friends, relatives, school

administrators and teachers thinking I just don't know how to " make " my son do

things. And the killer is--can you really " make " ANYONE do what they don't want

to do? Do you WANT to? Do THEY really make THEIR kids do things they don't

want to? Even the autism team in our school district was like this! Our kids

are just stick out because the things they want to do and don't want to do

aren't typical.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate!

Pooping in the tub has become a regular occurence for my son lately. Last night

I just got so frustrated cleaning it up. I just didn't think I could take it

anymore! Of course I've done such a good job with teaching him about emotions,

he read mine loud and clear and had a meltdown on top of it all....ugh

Calgon, take me away!

Oh wait, there's poop in the tub, nevermind

TJ

>

> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for

him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr

old.

>

> We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place

three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his

class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

>

> Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How

embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in

a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

>

> I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

>

> Id

>

[Guest guest]

I've tried the highly structured life. I might be willing to live that way, if it worked for us. It worked when our almost 17yo son was in RTC, because there were three male staff members at all times to make sure it worked & deal with his aggression & violent behavior. Once he came home, we put the same program in place & he just became beligerent, cursing, & threatening. He hasn't been as violent only because when he starts with the verbal aggression, we just give up. Then he is not violent, but he also doesn't do anything.He had been with his mother for a month. I'm the wicked stepmother. She let's him do whatever he wants just to avoid conflict. He will be home tomorrow night!Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Jun 24, 2009, at 6:16 PM, "susanonderko" <susanonderko@...> wrote:

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,

but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.

I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to

use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class

and participates, she earns TV time.

It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our whole

life like this.

I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured family

life to shape cooperative behaviors.

Pam

>

> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.

>

> We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

>

> Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

>

> I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

>

> Id

>

[Guest guest]

Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Bless your heart....will he go to therapy or try medicine? Is he done with school? I give you my blessing....and prayers!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class and participates, she earns TV time. It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our wholelife like this. I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured familylife to shape cooperative behaviors. Pam >> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and

try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> > Id>

[Guest guest]

He has been in therapy & we will continue to spend the money with little results. He will be a sophomore in high school. He is gifted, bipolar, ODD, & ADHD in addition to AS. He is already on major meds & we have done so many combinations!The therapist says I should do less so that Mack will do more! Yeah, right, didn't do any homework for weeks & didn't do his laundry for a month. His psychiatrist says that I need counseling so I will think differently about his behavior & not be so frustrated with him! How do you think differently when someone has their hands around your neck & says they are going to choke you to death or threatens to break every none in your body?Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Jun 24, 2009, at 8:34 PM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Bless your heart....will he go to therapy or try medicine? Is he done with school? I give you my blessing....and prayers!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class and participates, she earns TV time. It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our wholelife like this. I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured familylife to shape cooperative behaviors. Pam >> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and

try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> > Id>

[Guest guest]

You don't. He needs to be in a home...i hate to say this but you should not have to live like this. Sorry...but you need to talk to your husband. He either needs to go live with his mom or a resident home...I know I could not live like that. I pray for you.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class and participates, she earns TV time. It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our wholelife like this. I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured familylife to shape cooperative behaviors. Pam >> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is

all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> > Id>

[Guest guest]

>

> It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,

> but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.

>

> I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to

> use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class

> and participates, she earns TV time.

>

> It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for

important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to

imagine living our whole

> life like this.

>

> I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured family

> life to shape cooperative behaviors.

No, I can't imagine having the energy! We end up like you describe, picking our

battles. And I don't think you would want everything structured like that,

myself. Like everyone, our kids need to learn to make their own decisions. How

can they do that if every single thing is structured by someone else? And can

you imagine the anxiety this would put on your child, to never be able to just

relax and be themselves?

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Some kids push the boundaries so much farther than any typical

parent would ever deal with. It really is like setting

up a theraupetic placement in your own home. What is hard about this

is the whole family has to live like this. It is a punishing way

to live. Each boundary has to have a check. The adult has to check each

transition. It is a highly supervised system.

Pam

> > >

> > > I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic

> > things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there

> > and behaves like a 2 yr old.

> > >

> > > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same

> > place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit

> > even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told

> > me it was time to leave.

> > >

> > > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the

> > pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything

> > we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having

> > friends, being bored, etc.

> > >

> > > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

> > >

> > > Id

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

well said jan! i too had to tell my son something similar because he was questioning why he had to be the one so different from everyone else, most of the time he seems oblivious to it but every now and again you can see that it is really bothering him that he is so different, but when we reassure that we love him so very much he is ok again, but he does need lots of reassuring and praise for every little thing it seems, he needs to know he is doing ok. sherryFrom: "jrushen@..." <jrushen@...> Sent: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 6:12:36 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Disappointed and Angry

Yes, I know I have gone thru many, many miserable times...times when i even didn't feel like going on...but then I post...and everyone is there for me...just like I try to be there for you. We are all special and so are our children. Not everybody understands them and sometimes we don't either (ha ha)....but at the end of the day...I know in all our hearts we still Love our chldren and thank God every day for them.

I tell my son every time I can that God created him to be the way he is. We don't know exactly why, we don't see the BIG picture God sees or know his plans...but he created all of in his image and he loves all of us. And, if He had created us all the same...what a BORING world this would be. Think about what your child sees, does, thinks about, subjects they have knowledge in, their perspective that they look from...and you see a whole different world...I am grateful for this ...my son sees things in a different way...not a bad way or good way...but a different and unique way....almost like an artist. My son shows me how to look at things in a very different way and I love it.

For example...if he and I were to look at the same photo....like most people I would focus on the couple on the bench...my son would see the bird flying in the air and the cracks in the cement or the beautiful flowers in the background. So I am glad for who he is.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: haackia <haackia (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM

I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.Id

[Guest guest]

You are correct that he needs to be in a home & my husband agrees. The problem is that there are very few resources for an adolescent with AS & mental health issues who is violent.He can't live with his mom. She has been living with her niece for 6 months & that is where they have been staying for the last month. His mom is being thrown out if the niece's house because she has no money, no job, a truck with no title that she can't drive! She also claims to have many medical issues & no health insurance. I really think she is trying to get disability. She always says that she wants her son, after walking out on him & my husband 9 years ago to "find" herself with her Internet lover in England.Believe me, if we could find a place he would be there. Now would be a good time to do it because his mom would have no leg to stand on since she could not care for him even if my husband paid child support & all his medical. We are between a rock & a hard place.Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Jun 24, 2009, at 10:03 PM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

You don't. He needs to be in a home...i hate to say this but you should not have to live like this. Sorry...but you need to talk to your husband. He either needs to go live with his mom or a resident home...I know I could not live like that. I pray for you.

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class and participates, she earns TV time. It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our wholelife like this. I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured familylife to shape cooperative behaviors. Pam >> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is

all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> > Id>

[Guest guest]

I agree Ruth. I am at wits end. She's been out of school

since March. I advocated, begged, cried and got her into

a special education school small, teaches social skills.

But she still sounds negative about going and anxious too

about all the change. And won't try a medication for

fear of what it will do.

My AS kid is so therapy resistent. Refuses reason.

She is not seeing the big picture. If she is school

refusal again, refuses anti anxiety/panic medication.

What next? Residental school? She is not cooperating

with home school.

She lacks total common sense.

And the Asperger expert I have been consulted has said

to take everything away if I have to to gain cooperation.

Of course if it works I will. But I doubt somehow

she will be fearful enough of me to cooperate with medication.

Having a mix of As and anxiety/OCD whatever it is oppostional

makes it really hard.

Pam

> >

> > It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,

> > but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.

> >

> > I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to

> > use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class

> > and participates, she earns TV time.

> >

> > It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far

for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard

to imagine living our whole

> > life like this.

> >

> > I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured family

> > life to shape cooperative behaviors.

>

> No, I can't imagine having the energy! We end up like you describe, picking

our battles. And I don't think you would want everything structured like that,

myself. Like everyone, our kids need to learn to make their own decisions. How

can they do that if every single thing is structured by someone else? And can

you imagine the anxiety this would put on your child, to never be able to just

relax and be themselves?

>

> Ruth

>

[Guest guest]

These doctors don't know what it is really like to live

with these kids. They don't have a clue or they

wouldn't say the things they do.

The combination of AS with anything makes it hard to treat.

My AS child does not respond to any kind of cognitive therapy

too ridgid of a thinker for sure.

What is left if reason and communication doesn't work?

Pray maturity helps. Enroll in skill based classes.

Structure life as best we can without driving ourselves too crazy.

They need so much, life skill classes, social skills,

academic supports, emotional skills.

Pam

> >> >

> >> > I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic

> >> things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there

> >> and behaves like a 2 yr old.

> >> >

> >> > We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the

> >> same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin

> >> suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and

> >> even told me it was time to leave.

> >> >

> >> > Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the

> >> pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything

> >> we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not

> >> having friends, being bored, etc.

> >> >

> >> > I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

> >> >

> >> > Id

> >> >

> >>

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> My AS kid is so therapy resistent. Refuses reason.

My son has never taken to one-on-one therapy of any kind. The only therapy that

has really been helpful for him has been OT (with a male therapist--I think that

helped having a same sex therapist) and group social skills. He DOES respond to

group therapy. I was never able to find groups that were really a good fit, but

I think they were better than nothing. He actually talked a little about the

things they discussed, so I figure he was thinking about it. His mood also

seemed better when he was in such groups, and I did see improvements in

behavior.

Anyway, I'm thinking both our kids will be better off next year with social

skills in school incorporated into the school day. I'm really angry that they

waited so long for him to be able to have this, but I'm trying to move on and

appreciate that he will have it NOW finally.

That all said, I think the individual therapist really makes a difference, so

maybe you just have to keep trying. My son has had a few teachers or school

administrators that he did well with, most male although not all. With boys

there is the problem of elementary ed being so female-centered.

> And the Asperger expert I have been consulted has said

> to take everything away if I have to to gain cooperation.

This really is not a very typical thing to be telling a parent of an Asperger

child. Are you sure this is really an Asperger specialist, not just someone who

claims to have worked with a lot of Asperger kids? In any case, a subset of

Asperger kids don't respond to reward/punishment type of intervention. If your

daughter is " lacking in common sense " that suggests that maybe she is having

difficulty learning from experience, which would probably put her in this

subset. I know because my son is in this subset. We had to find

non-traditional ways to give him consequences. There is a method called

collaborative learning that works for us.

Good luck!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Thanks Ruth for thinking about this. Yes the Phd is an expert

in our area and turns out he has a 22 year old son with AS

too. I spend so much money seeking advice. But each child is

so different. I do have the book and DVD on collobrative

methods by Dr. Green.

Yes it will be good to have the social skills in school.

My daughter is so complex with the NLD and social skill needs

which the new school will address. YEAH!! Now I have to

address the panic, phobias and avoidant school behavior.

Usually kids with anxiety, panic OCD etc are agreeable to

therapy or medication. She is not.

But I don't think a punishment reward system makes sense for

school avoidance either. Although I felt good when he

said it because I want a solution. And it sounds so easy.

thanks again for the response.

Pam

> >

> > My AS kid is so therapy resistent. Refuses reason.

>

> My son has never taken to one-on-one therapy of any kind. The only therapy

that has really been helpful for him has been OT (with a male therapist--I think

that helped having a same sex therapist) and group social skills. He DOES

respond to group therapy. I was never able to find groups that were really a

good fit, but I think they were better than nothing. He actually talked a

little about the things they discussed, so I figure he was thinking about it.

His mood also seemed better when he was in such groups, and I did see

improvements in behavior.

>

> Anyway, I'm thinking both our kids will be better off next year with social

skills in school incorporated into the school day. I'm really angry that they

waited so long for him to be able to have this, but I'm trying to move on and

appreciate that he will have it NOW finally.

>

> That all said, I think the individual therapist really makes a difference, so

maybe you just have to keep trying. My son has had a few teachers or school

administrators that he did well with, most male although not all. With boys

there is the problem of elementary ed being so female-centered.

>

> > And the Asperger expert I have been consulted has said

> > to take everything away if I have to to gain cooperation.

>

> This really is not a very typical thing to be telling a parent of an Asperger

child. Are you sure this is really an Asperger specialist, not just someone who

claims to have worked with a lot of Asperger kids? In any case, a subset of

Asperger kids don't respond to reward/punishment type of intervention. If your

daughter is " lacking in common sense " that suggests that maybe she is having

difficulty learning from experience, which would probably put her in this

subset. I know because my son is in this subset. We had to find

non-traditional ways to give him consequences. There is a method called

collaborative learning that works for us.

>

> Good luck!

>

> Ruth

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

> >From: haackia <haackia (DOT) com>

> >Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry

> >

> >Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM

> >

> >

> >I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for

him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr

old.

> >

> >We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place

three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his

class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

> >

> >Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How

embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a

big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

> >

> >I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

> >

> >Id

> >

> >

>

please Id,

don't hate your life I know it is hard and a challenge but GOD would not have

blessed you with this child if you could not handle it. Sit back relax and

thank God for such a beautiful child and know how blessed you are. He (GOD)

only gives us what we can handle. Yes he pushes our limits but all in all only

you aare the special person he blessed. Good luck and try to look at this time

as a period of adjustment.

[Guest guest]

I think we all need reality checks once in a while...I know I get totally fustrated at time....it is summer now...just wait till school starts..OMG!!!

Here is a funny one:

The BSC and I were speaking with my son. We asked him when he was going to start taking school seriously.....he said, "Hmmm, maybe in 10th or 12th grade".

I thought I was going t die laughing but didn't .....I chuckled when I think about it now. But we then discussed the importance of his education now...it is the foundation for later.

Our kids sure come out with great lines!

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: dardebakerlang <dardebakerlang@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Friday, June 26, 2009, 11:14 PM

> > > >From: haackia <haackia (DOT) com>> >Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry> > > >Date: Wednesday,

June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM> >> >> >I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> >> >We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> >> >Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> >> >I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> >> >Id> >> >>please Id,don't hate your life I know it is hard and a challenge but GOD would not have

blessed you with this child if you could not handle it. Sit back relax and thank God for such a beautiful child and know how blessed you are. He (GOD) only gives us what we can handle. Yes he pushes our limits but all in all only you aare the special person he blessed. Good luck and try to look at this time as a period of adjustment.

[Guest guest]

Latest word on MackWe picked Mack up from his visit with his mom last night. His mom was still insisting that Mack was great while he was with her & there was no reason for her niece to want them to leave.However, on the way home, Mack told us that he had an altercation with the niece's 6yo daughter. Remember Mack is almost 17. He got mad at the 6 yo because she would not leave his room. She promised to leave if he gave her hamster back. She said yes, so he gave it back. Then in his words: the big,fat liar didn't leave. Then he demonstrated on me how he put his hands on her neck. Then his words: the liar told her mom that I choked her.Then he told us that his mom told him not to tell us. She is so delusional that she doesn't seem to understand that we need this info to let his dr. know.I don't know what to do. This is definitely his mental illness & not just AS. I do not want to live with this child. I am convinced he is going to hurt someone & now he has gone after a much younger child!!!Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Jun 27, 2009, at 11:04 AM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

I think we all need reality checks once in a while...I know I get totally fustrated at time....it is summer now...just wait till school starts..OMG!!!

Here is a funny one:

The BSC and I were speaking with my son. We asked him when he was going to start taking school seriously.....he said, "Hmmm, maybe in 10th or 12th grade".

I thought I was going t die laughing but didn't .....I chuckled when I think about it now. But we then discussed the importance of his education now...it is the foundation for later.

Our kids sure come out with great lines!

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: dardebakerlang <dardebakerlang >Subject: Re: ( ) Disappointed and Angry Date: Friday, June 26, 2009, 11:14 PM

> > > >From: haackia <haackia (DOT) com>> >Subject: ( ) Disappointed and Angry> > > >Date: Wednesday,

June 24, 2009, 11:48 AM> >> >> >I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.> >> >We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.> >> >Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.> >> >I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.> >> >Id> >> >>please Id,don't hate your life I know it is hard and a challenge but GOD would not have

blessed you with this child if you could not handle it. Sit back relax and thank God for such a beautiful child and know how blessed you are. He (GOD) only gives us what we can handle. Yes he pushes our limits but all in all only you aare the special person he blessed. Good luck and try to look at this time as a period of adjustment.

[Guest guest]

Donna, so when he demonstrated the " choke " , he didn't actually do it? (re his

saying she's a liar) It's a positive that he told you about it.

I think you mentioned he is (or has?) taken meds. Bipolar can be tricky to

treat, from what other parents have said, finding the right medication or

combination. Do you think the bipolar is the main problem?

>

> Latest word on Mack

>

> We picked Mack up from his visit with his mom last night. His mom was

> still insisting that Mack was great while he was with her & there was

> no reason for her niece to want them to leave.

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I don't know what to do. This is definitely his mental illness & not

> just AS. I do not want to live with this child. I am convinced he is

> going to hurt someone & now he has gone after a much younger child!!!

I'm so sorry you are all going through this Donna! On a very practical

note--are you keeping a journal on all this? Such things are admissible in

court and are often used as evidence. It is very important that you record all

this for purposes of child support and custody as well as in case something more

dire happens. You may already be doing this, but it wasn't mentioned.

I think you should consider reporting the incident with the 6yo to child

protective services. Perhaps they would make it so he couldn't visit when she

is around and thus get her at least somewhat protected?

If you are determined to stay with Dad and thus in Mack's life, you may have to

take it individual by individual like this until/if you can find permanent

placement for Mack. Think about using tools like restraining orders to keep

people safe. This will also leave the paper trail you need.

That is my little brainstorm--don't know if it is useful or not. Hope so! Good

luck--have a nice Sunday!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Can you have him clean it up?

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: Disappointed and Angry

I can totally relate!

Pooping in the tub has become a regular occurence for my son lately. Last night I just got so frustrated cleaning it up. I just didn't think I could take it anymore! Of course I've done such a good job with teaching him about emotions, he read mine loud and clear and had a meltdown on top of it all....ugh

Calgon, take me away!

Oh wait, there's poop in the tub, nevermind

TJ

>

> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.

>

> We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

>

> Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

>

> I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

>

> Id

>

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

I don't know if you would have to be that structured forever. You set it up to learn "how" to do something correctly or to encourage cooperation. Then you would fade the rewards and hopefully it would become more natural to do the right thing. Ultimately, that is the goal - independence. If that is not something you are working for, it might seem too overwhelming to keep adding "structure."

Some kids may need written charts and picture schedules as well long into the future, that would help instead of having someone constantly cueing them. But many adults use lists and agenda's in their every day life because they need it too. So I think the idea is to teach how to use these "helpers" to manage life independently.

I would also concentrate on a few things at a time - whatever you can manage/handle. Everyone has their limits. We are NOT structured here, I wish we were. But my kids are older now too. We had more structure when my now 12 yo (hfa) was a toddler as we were busy teaching him things. I make him a daily school schedule (we eschool) too and I am trying to get him to use it to manage this next year (big job there, lol) But you need to evaluate what you need and take steps to make it happen. If you don't see the value in something or you are too overwhelmed, you might think of scaling back for a while.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: Disappointed and Angry

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,

but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.

I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to

use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class

and participates, she earns TV time.

It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our whole

life like this.

I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured family

life to shape cooperative behaviors.

Pam

>

> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.

>

> We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

>

> Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

>

> I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

>

> Id

>

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

Sometimes these "therapists" are full of good intentions but zero real life practicality. I think they really think that we parents (mostly the moms!) are doing all these things (whatever is at issue) "for" the child, blunting their growth. But in reality, we are doing things BECAUSE they won't or can't do it. I remember learning this when my older (now 20 yo, hfa) ds was a toddler and not talking. I must have heard a zillion times, "He doesn't talk because you talk for him." His severe language delay was my fault! I honestly spent a lot of time examining my own behavior, wondering if I was indeed causing him not to learn to talk because I was doing it "for" him. He wasn't even our first child, and our older dd talked non-stop on her own. I wondered how we raised one talker and then did something wrong so the next one didn't talk. (lol) What did I do so differently? It really stressed me out for a long time, trying to figure out where I had failed this child. Then one day it occured to me that I was "talking for him" when I knew he couldn't talk. I was trying to bridge a gap that I did not create, but was actively trying to deal with.

But anyway, my point is that I think we parents tend to do that a lot - try to build that bridge. And outsiders see us as "helicopter parents" or over bearing or as the reason why our kids haven't learned or matured, instead of seeing that we are reacting to the problem, not causing it. I have a friend who has a conserved 18 yo dd and she is constantly struggling with people who tell her to "let your dd figure it out on her own." It's as if they think the girl will magically grow these skills that never showed up and that my friend is hovering and not allowing her to learn and grow. This despite the fact that my friend successfully raised 6 kids before this one. I just keep reminding her that she is not the cause of the problem. She is trying to deal with it the best way she can. But it is hard to fight some people's perception when they do not realize what it is like and cannot seem to grasp the idea that some kids are neurologically incapable or delayed.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) Re: Disappointed and Angry

He has been in therapy & we will continue to spend the money with little results. He will be a sophomore in high school. He is gifted, bipolar, ODD, & ADHD in addition to AS. He is already on major meds & we have done so many combinations!

The therapist says I should do less so that Mack will do more! Yeah, right, didn't do any homework for weeks & didn't do his laundry for a month.

His psychiatrist says that I need counseling so I will think differently about his behavior & not be so frustrated with him! How do you think differently when someone has their hands around your neck & says they are going to choke you to death or threatens to break every none in your body?

Sent from my iPhone

Blessings, Donna

On Jun 24, 2009, at 8:34 PM, rushen janice <jrushen > wrote:

Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Bless your heart....will he go to therapy or try medicine? Is he done with school? I give you my blessing....and prayers!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

It is difficult for us to set up things that fit their needs,

but easy for them to avoid anything the least bit challenging.

I was working again with a AS behaviorist and he wanted me to

use more Parent Management with my daughter. She goes to class

and participates, she earns TV time.

It is hard to structure everything like this. I am willing to go this far for important things, attendance at school, bedtime, hygiene. But I find it hard to imagine living our whole

life like this.

I wonder if anyone in our has such a highly structured family

life to shape cooperative behaviors.

Pam

>

> I don't know what to do with my kid. I try and

try to find basic things for him to learn and he is all okay and then the get there and behaves like a 2 yr old.

>

> We have been talking about swimming lesson. He is been to the same place three summers. He got dressed at 7:30 am with his swin suit even though his class was at 6:30 pm. Got his earplugs and even told me it was time to leave.

>

> Gets there and won't do anything his told and even pee in the pool. How embarasing. I was so furious with him. Lately, everything we tried ends up in a big drama, but then he complains of not having friends, being bored, etc.

>

> I can't take this any longer. I really hate my life.

>

> Id

>

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!