RE: Angry at my son's dad and step mother

[Guest guest]

Yeah my ex pulled that kind of stuff, but I don't think his wife bought into it

much although his parents do.

Becky

--- Original Message ---

From: " belita.rossin " <bsrossin@...>

Sent:Wed 2/3/10 5:23 pm

Subj:( ) Angry at my son's dad and step mother

Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar situation. I

know many of you have current or former husbands who all seem to be cut from the

same ASD cloth. I also know many of you are getting the blame for your child's

problems.

But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised

co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for

the first time why my ex has been playing the " victim " and so casual and

non-committed to helping our son.

His current wife makes countless excuses for " dad's " irresponsible behavior.

She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving his work and

his health priority. " Dad " just sat there soaking up the support from his

loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there watching this

horrible sideshow.

It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any

other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing

the " victim " over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

Any comments?

[Guest guest]

How frustrating. Is there a way to not have disputes but create a plan? Who

cares what his excuses are right?

If you set up a routine for your son. A system of points for

cooperation. And you have a therapist approve this plan you and your ex would

both follow the plan and give out the points daily.

This is a shaping with positive reinforcement plan. There is

more to this than what I am explaining.

You can shape behaviors in this very concrete way without fighting.

There is a manual called Parent management training that is

evidence based and would not be disputed. You could even have your therapist

contact the PMT therapists at Yale Univeristy's parent training and child

conduct center (the author's of this 30 year old program).

You and your ex could take there 10 week parent training program

over the phone from Yale or perhaps the court ordered therapist

can provide the training.

There is no room then for disputes you both either follow the plan or not. If he

can't ...you have a case that he is not fit to do so and has minimal visitation.

It makes things very concrete.

I follow the PMT program and my husband follows the chart when I am out for a

meeting or something. I don't think he can keep it up for too long though he

gets distracted and goes back to his style of a more detached approach.

good luck

Pam

>

> Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar situation. I

know many of you have current or former husbands who all seem to be cut from the

same ASD cloth. I also know many of you are getting the blame for your child's

problems.

>

> But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised

co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for

the first time why my ex has been playing the " victim " and so casual and

non-committed to helping our son.

>

> His current wife makes countless excuses for " dad's " irresponsible behavior.

She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving his work and

his health priority. " Dad " just sat there soaking up the support from his

loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there watching this

horrible sideshow.

>

> It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any

other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing

the " victim " over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

>

> Any comments?

>

[Guest guest]

I've seen a little of this with my husband. He is pretty involved with the kids

and very responsible but because of his AS tendencies he has trouble taking the

perspective of other people so it feels like the whole world revolves around

him. One day I was really annoyed about this and I said, " I am going to take a

day where I act like the whole world revolves around me. Kind of like a mental

vacation. " He thought this was a good idea and had no CLUE that I was saying it

because he was acting like the whole world revolved around him. " BUT WHAT ABOUT

MY FEELINGS " is something he says pretty regularly. He seems to think nobody

cares about his feelings despite the fact that I feel like I'm constantly paying

TOO much attention to his feelings. Fortunately, nobody seems to buy into what

he's saying and I have a fair amount of support.

I got a bit of praise from my counselor this week. She heard from someone else

about something I said when my husband said something sort of manipulative. I

threw my hands up and said, " Oh Well. " Apparently, this is close to the right

way of handling it. I'm supposed to be working on not letting him get to me.

If I don't react to what he says then he won't be getting what he wants from it

and will stop saying things like that. I'm learning how NOT to buy into his

stuff. It's REALLY HARD, though, when you're used to doing something else.

Miriam

>

> Yeah my ex pulled that kind of stuff, but I don't think his wife bought into

it much although his parents do.

> Becky

>

> --- Original Message ---

> From: " belita.rossin " <bsrossin@...>

> Sent:Wed 2/3/10 5:23 pm

>

> Subj:( ) Angry at my son's dad and step mother

>

> Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar situation. I

know many of you have current or former husbands who all seem to be cut from the

same ASD cloth. I also know many of you are getting the blame for your child's

problems.

>

> But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised

co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for

the first time why my ex has been playing the " victim " and so casual and

non-committed to helping our son.

>

> His current wife makes countless excuses for " dad's " irresponsible behavior.

She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving his work and

his health priority. " Dad " just sat there soaking up the support from his

loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there watching this

horrible sideshow.

>

> It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any

other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing

the " victim " over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

>

> Any comments?

>

[Guest guest]

I

am much more consistent with my son than my husband is and in the past few

months his inability to deal with his son is driving me to look at separation

and possibly divorce.  I spend a lot of time researching AS and watching my son

for different signs and reading about how to handle situations and talking to

people.  Hubby?  Small amount of research.  No talking to anyone but me

(although we have therapy next week so that will change).

Even

when I do set up systems my husband within a few days stops following and

everythng goes back to the way it was.  I think my husband may be ADD or ADHD. 

He also has childhood trauma from sexual abuse so he does have his own stuff

that he’s been dealing with most of his life.  I’m not using that

as an execuse for his behavior, just know what its like to come from a place of

“ok let’s get this organized” and for the other person to not

be on board.

Keep

doing what you are doing and that’s all you are responsible for.

Namaste

Dawn

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of belita.rossin

Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 2010 10:41 PM

Subject: ( ) Angry at my son's dad and step mother

Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone

else has a similar situation. I know many of you have current or former

husbands who all seem to be cut from the same ASD cloth. I also know many of

you are getting the blame for your child's problems.

But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised

co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for

the first time why my ex has been playing the " victim " and so casual

and non-committed to helping our son.

His current wife makes countless excuses for " dad's " irresponsible

behavior. She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving

his work and his health priority. " Dad " just sat there soaking up the

support from his loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there

watching this horrible sideshow.

It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any

other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing

the " victim " over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

Any comments?

[Guest guest]

Dawn,

I want you to know that as

a former pediatrician, I have seen mothers struggle with their children’s

diagnosis with absolutely no support from dad who was either in denial or

clueless. Those women eventually came back divorced.

When you see the father of

your biological child together behave in this way, you can’t help, but

think to yourself that you will be abandoned too when you have needs.

“In sickness and in

health” were in the original marriage vows, remember?

I want you to know that for

a long time, I felt that I was at such a disadvantage being single mother;

wishing I was married with someone to support me. Now, I see that was

assumption that is not necessarily true.

In the specific situation

of children having an ASD diagnosis, the “apple does not fall far from

the tree”.

If you are the one

emotionally tuned in, then your child inherited his ASD from……………..guess

who?

I’ve been married and

divorced twice. Being in a successful marriage must involve love AND support

for each other and the family in good times and in bad; especially in a

situation that is not going away any time soon.

Belita

[Guest guest]

Miriam,

I

like the way the doctor who diagnosed my son said it, “these ASD patients

are wired wrong”.

It’s

not within their capability to think and feel like everyone else. It

takes an incredible amount of social skills training and counseling to make

progress. I just went to an excellent seminar taught by a behavioral

specialist who had 15 years of experience with countless ASD patients.

Learning

these skills can take 5 years of weekly therapy and 24/7 re-enforcement at home

before making a dent!

Belita

[Guest guest]

Wow. geo

- ( ) Angry at my son's dad and step mother

Date: Tuesday, February 2, 2010, 11:41 PM

Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar situation.  I

know many of you have current or former husbands who all seem to be cut from the

same ASD cloth.  I also know many of you are getting the blame for your child's

problems.

But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised

co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for

the first time why my ex has been playing the " victim " and so casual and

non-committed to helping our son.

His current wife makes countless excuses for " dad's " irresponsible behavior 

She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving his work and

his health priority.  " Dad " just sat there soaking up the support from his

loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there watching this

horrible sideshow.

It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any

other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing

the " victim " over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

Any comments?

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Belita, you mentioned that it takes weekly therapy and 24/7 re-enforcement at

home. My dd is getting speech therapy at school and weekly visits with the

school counselor for 15 minutes or so each time. Our insurance isn't helpful at

all. Would you be willing to tell me exactly what you are doing for your child

for the weekly therapy and what kinds of things you do at home? Some of the

difficulties I have are because my hubby (my dd's dad) isn't the best example,

is inconsistent, etc. If you are all right with sharing your info, thank you! If

not, that's fine, I understand! Take care. -Kari

>

>

>

> Miriam,

>

>

>

> I like the way the doctor who diagnosed my son said it, " these ASD patients

> are wired wrong " .

>

>

>

> It's not within their capability to think and feel like everyone else. It

> takes an incredible amount of social skills training and counseling to make

> progress. I just went to an excellent seminar taught by a behavioral

> specialist who had 15 years of experience with countless ASD patients.

>

>

>

> Learning these skills can take 5 years of weekly therapy and 24/7

> re-enforcement at home before making a dent!

>

>

>

> Belita

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my!

Fifteen minutes with a

counselor is like going to the drive up window at Mc’s instead of sitting

down for dinner at a fine dining restaurant. There’s such an enormous

difference between that and working with a therapist one hour 1-2/week.

That’s not therapy.

That’s called doing a “check-in”. Your daughter needs

therapy with someone who is at least trained to work with children.

No insurance will cover

these expenses….yet. I’m paying $175/hour, but it’s worth

every penny because this therapist is like my seeing-eye dog. I’m

completely “blind” and need someone professional to help me. Her

experience and insight into what helps my son best beats any book that can’t

help, but make generalized suggestions.

Look into the area where

you live. Where do you live? There are therapists who work on a sliding scale

($85/session) or at government program that can help you. Be cautious though.

You get what you “pay for”.

There are local chapters of

various organizations that work with ASD. Contact the person who made the

Asperger Diagnosis first.

How old is your daughter?

In the meantime, I recommend

getting the following work book depending on the age of your daughter:

The Social Success Workbook for Teens: Skill-building

Activities for Teens With Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Asperger's Disorder,

& Other Social-skill Problems (Paperback)

Babara

Belita

[Guest guest]

Maybe he could see a counselor to learn how to appreciate someone else's POV? And no reason you can't lead him to the discovery of learning about how other people think and feel. For instance, next time he says "What about my feelings?" you could go over what you see are his feelings, check to make sure you got it right and then ask him, "Now what are my feelings?" and walk him through learning what your feelings are on that subject/topic. Either he will stop saying, "What about my feelings?" because he knows you will lead him through a process of learning about other people's feelings and he doesn't want to do that, or he will go through a process and learn and eventually (hopefully) start asking what others are thinking on his own someday. Either way, you win. <g>

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: Angry at my son's dad and step mother

I've seen a little of this with my husband. He is pretty involved with the kids and very responsible but because of his AS tendencies he has trouble taking the perspective of other people so it feels like the whole world revolves around him. One day I was really annoyed about this and I said, "I am going to take a day where I act like the whole world revolves around me. Kind of like a mental vacation." He thought this was a good idea and had no CLUE that I was saying it because he was acting like the whole world revolved around him. "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS" is something he says pretty regularly. He seems to think nobody cares about his feelings despite the fact that I feel like I'm constantly paying TOO much attention to his feelings. Fortunately, nobody seems to buy into what he's saying and I have a fair amount of support.

I got a bit of praise from my counselor this week. She heard from someone else about something I said when my husband said something sort of manipulative. I threw my hands up and said, "Oh Well." Apparently, this is close to the right way of handling it. I'm supposed to be working on not letting him get to me. If I don't react to what he says then he won't be getting what he wants from it and will stop saying things like that. I'm learning how NOT to buy into his stuff. It's REALLY HARD, though, when you're used to doing something else.

Miriam

>

> Yeah my ex pulled that kind of stuff, but I don't think his wife bought into it much although his parents do.

> Becky

>

> --- Original Message ---

> From:"belita.rossin" <bsrossin@...>

> Sent:Wed 2/3/10 5:23 pm

>

> Subj:( ) Angry at my son's dad and step mother

>

> Sorry to vent, but I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar situation. I know many of you have current or former husbands who all seem to be cut from the same ASD cloth. I also know many of you are getting the blame for your child's problems.

>

> But today, at our first (and definitely last) attempt at a supervised co-parenting session with an experienced court ordered psychologist, I saw for the first time why my ex has been playing the "victim" and so casual and non-committed to helping our son.

>

> His current wife makes countless excuses for "dad's" irresponsible behavior. She refused to hold him accountable for neglecting his son; giving his work and his health priority. "Dad" just sat there soaking up the support from his loving ( clueless) wife while the psychologist and I sat there watching this horrible sideshow.

>

> It's hard enough trying to help our children, but to have stepmothers or any other friends or family members pushing the needs of the pathetic dad playing the "victim" over the needs of the child is beyond my comprehension.

>

> Any comments?

>

[Guest guest]

Why do you recommend this workbook? (The Social Success Workbook for Teens: Skill-building

Activities for Teens With Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Asperger's Disorder,

& Other Social-skill Problems (Paperback)) I am interested in knowing what it has that makes it something worth your time?

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: Angry at my son's dad and step mother

Oh my!

Fifteen minutes with a

counselor is like going to the drive up window at Mc’s instead of sitting

down for dinner at a fine dining restaurant. There’s such an enormous

difference between that and working with a therapist one hour 1-2/week.

That’s not therapy.

That’s called doing a “check-inâ€. Your daughter needs

therapy with someone who is at least trained to work with children.

No insurance will cover

these expenses….yet. I’m paying $175/hour, but it’s worth

every penny because this therapist is like my seeing-eye dog. I’m

completely “blind†and need someone professional to help me. Her

experience and insight into what helps my son best beats any book that can’t

help, but make generalized suggestions.

Look into the area where

you live. Where do you live? There are therapists who work on a sliding scale

($85/session) or at government program that can help you. Be cautious though.

You get what you “pay forâ€.

There are local chapters of

various organizations that work with ASD. Contact the person who made the

Asperger Diagnosis first.

How old is your daughter?

In the meantime, I recommend

getting the following work book depending on the age of your daughter:

The Social Success Workbook for Teens: Skill-building

Activities for Teens With Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Asperger's Disorder,

& Other Social-skill Problems (Paperback)

Babara

Belita