Re: Help with defiance issues and social skills

[Guest guest]

WOW! Its like your talking about my son! Well, Minus the hitting and kicking part. My son is a screamer and on demand kind of child, which we do not let into. We use the phrase, "we live in a glass house and walk on broken glass everyday". We started a behavior sticker sheet and are working on the goal of filling the entire MONTH, everyday he has to work for 5 different goals 1. No screaming, 2. do homework, 3. pick up toys, 4. take a bath, 5. do as he is ASKED. Noticed I said ASK and not TOLD. Changing your words WORK. Trust me it may sound silly, but the way we speak to our children does make a difference in how they react to what you say. In my town which is Fredericksburg VA, there is a conference on March 15 from 6:30pm to 8:30pm with Larry Koenig of Smart

Discipline. I am going to that.

My son has just now become social because the children in his class accept him. I wen on his first day with a book we made all about him and it explained to the children what he has and why he does certain things. Now they can't wait for him to get to school and he has a different special buddy everyday. Its great now.

I hope you get some answers here! Good Luck!! TeamJakobSupport children with Aspergers,With your support their is no limit to Jakob's success!!

From: "mbkoehler@..." <mbkoehler@...> Sent: Mon, February 22, 2010 10:46:34 PMSubject: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills

Hello,

First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us he now needs to repeat first grade).

Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he needs to also experience it, not just read it. Any suggestions?

2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking, clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like. We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

Thanks!

[Guest guest]

Just a couple of suggestions:

1. Try and look around for a social skills group, with a small number of children who are high functioning and similar to your son. Our local university has "super Saturday" programs for gifted kids that includes social skills groups. There might be a psychologist or a social worker who holds social skills classes. You may find one through the largest children's hospital in your area. There, you may also meet other parents that can relate to you. You need to supervise play dates with children that you "hand pick," preferably with parents who can relate to your situation. It's really hard to find this and I know how frustrating it can be.

2. Try to talk calmly about expectation for every major "transition" and daily outing, or routine. Sit down with you son and make a list of "what he must do," such as wear a seatbelt. Tell him how long an outing will be and/or what to expect in that particular day's routine. Sometimes, clearly spelling out the day's routine, the expectations, etc., can ease a child's worries and "the unexpected." You could also start a chart or a reward system for routines/transitions/daily things that have been accomplished. Reinforce and be positive.

Just a couple of ideas --- hope it helps a bit.

[Guest guest]

For social skills - does your school or area have Cub Scouts? We have had a good experience with it, there is a lot of parent involvement so you can monitor your son during activities. As far as the other issues, you are going to have to work with the school and help him if that is his biggest anxiety. You can do that now even before he gets formally diagnosed. And keep a very calm, structured home environment, with rewards for good behavior. See if you can get a recommendation for a therapist to start working with your family now to get good systems in place.

I know it's hard now, but it can get better. We've been there too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: mbkoehler@... <mbkoehler@...>Subject: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills Date: Monday, February 22, 2010, 7:46 PM

Hello,

First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us he now needs to repeat first grade).

Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he needs to also experience it, not just read it. Any suggestions?

2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking, clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like. We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

Thanks!

[Guest guest]

Welcome! I am so glad you have some help with advocacy!

I can share with you some of my experiences with my daughter

who is now 12 years old and what has helped.

*****Reduce school stress build up and outbursts

School always was stressful for my daughter. She would have

horrible outburts after school and as she got older she would

hyperfocus on her special interests as a way to cope.

I think the most important first step was to focus on getting

my daughter the support she needed in school. This was the critical

first step in treatment and our priority on how to spend money.

At age 9 I had the full neuropsy evaluation done at our cost

and found out she did have severe processing, working memory issues,

she had a deficit in attention and switching mindset.

The school system handed out services a little at a time. It was

painfully slow but by 5th grade she shut down and refused to go anymore. I can

say we tried all we could in this public school

she was in special ed classes and was in mainstreamed classes

with an in class support special ed teacher. All the accomodations

where not enough she was too overwhelmed with the pace.

Our therapist that was advocating with us at IEP meetings

for the previous year advocated for a special placement in

a small private school and that is where she is now.

There are no more outbursts over being overwhelmed. But

social isolation is still an issue to be worked on perhaps

this next year.

****Anxiety, Overload and Defiance

If school is causing outbursts and your child is overloaded

I don't think you can do to much. But once the school

situation is improved or in combination you can look

to first reduce anxiety alittle. Surprising to me

once my daughter was on a low dose of zoloft her issues

with noise, clothes etc are much better tolerated. Her panic

subsided too. My daughter too when she is very emotional

will want to open a car door (not to jump out but to control me).

In the summer I started working with a behaviorist. I am working

over the phone with Yale Parent and child Conduct Clinic.

Dr. Kadzin is the director and author of the book on Parent Management Training.

PMT is geared to kids that are oppostional.

We reduce stressors, we shape behaviors slowly and calmy, we

reinforce with rewards (she has to earn assess to TV, computer,

etc. it is a big change).

****Social Skills

My daughter has always said how lonely she is but she doesn't

want to go to private social skill programs. Yale wants me to keep

working on reducing her outbursts, obessions and anxiety first.

At school she is in a social skill group 2 times a week and

has a facilated lunch with 2 other girls. But not much is progressing here. The

next step once outburts are better controlled and

anxiety is reduced ( we are increasing her medication) is going

to be focusing her behavior plan on social interactions at home and

at school. We will need the support of our behaviorist, and the

school or a special needs camp to make progress. I am not sure

out behaviorist thinks she is ready for this next step though

even though I am very anxious to get moving on this more.

Training programs like Michele Winner focus on teaching the

child how others think. Same with social stories. Our Yale

Behaviorist has said " for our child in particular " it is too

many words and she needs to just practice and role play the

actual behaviors you want. I think that is where we are

our daughter has a good grasp now of social knowledge she

is too anxious to put it to use. That is the next step for

us.

I especially like Temple Grandin's book on social skills

(she is autistic herself) she makes it very simple. Social

learning is taught as having good manners. My daughter

responds well to this approach. She thinks social skill

groups are wierd but she is motivated to have good manners.

Best of luck and welocme to our group.

Pam

>

>

>

> Hello,

>

>

>

> First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high

functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The

current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal

report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that

says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us

he now needs to repeat first grade).

>

>

>

> Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

>

>

>

> 1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and

don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The

school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with

anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he

needs to also experience it,  not just read it. Any suggestions?

>

>

>

> 2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years

including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the

last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is

school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't

understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He

threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and

refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and

control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I

have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking,

clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is

currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like.

We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

>

>

>

> We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

>

>

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Regarding how word choice matters - I totally agree - you might want to switch No Screaming to Using an Inside Voice. For my son, he perseverates on things so saying your son might latch on to the screaming part. If latched on to inside voice instead, it might help? Sent via BlackBerry by AT&TFrom: <teamjakob06@...>Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 06:31:27 -0800 (PST)< >Subject: Re: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills WOW! Its like your talking about my son! Well, Minus the hitting and kicking part. My son is a screamer and on demand kind of child, which we do not let into. We use the phrase, "we live in a glass house and walk on broken glass everyday". We started a behavior sticker sheet and are working on the goal of filling the entire MONTH, everyday he has to work for 5 different goals 1. No screaming, 2. do homework, 3. pick up toys, 4. take a bath, 5. do as he is ASKED. Noticed I said ASK and not TOLD. Changing your words WORK. Trust me it may sound silly, but the way we speak to our children does make a difference in how they react to what you say. In my town which is Fredericksburg VA, there is a conference on March 15 from 6:30pm to 8:30pm with Larry Koenig of SmartDiscipline. I am going to that. My son has just now become social because the children in his class accept him. I wen on his first day with a book we made all about him and it explained to the children what he has and why he does certain things. Now they can't wait for him to get to school and he has a different special buddy everyday. Its great now. I hope you get some answers here! Good Luck!! TeamJakobSupport children with Aspergers,With your support their is no limit to Jakob's success!! From: "mbkoehlercomcast (DOT) net" <mbkoehlercomcast (DOT) net> Sent: Mon, February 22, 2010 10:46:34 PMSubject: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills Hello, First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us he now needs to repeat first grade). Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues. 1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he needs to also experience it, not just read it. Any suggestions? 2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking, clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like. We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions? We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now. Thanks!

[Guest guest]

, I love your book idea!  How old is your son?  Can you give me some examples of what you put in the book?  I'd like to do something like that next school year.  

On Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 8:31 AM, <teamjakob06@...> wrote:

 

WOW! Its like your talking about my son! Well, Minus the hitting and kicking part. My son is a screamer and on demand kind of child, which we do not let into. We use the phrase, " we live in a glass house and walk on broken glass everyday " .  We started a behavior sticker sheet and are working on the goal of filling the entire MONTH, everyday he has to work for 5 different goals 1. No screaming, 2. do homework, 3. pick up toys, 4. take a bath, 5. do as he is ASKED. Noticed I said ASK and not TOLD. Changing your words WORK. Trust me it may sound silly, but the way we speak to our children does make a difference in how they react to what you say. In my town which is Fredericksburg VA, there is a conference on March 15 from 6:30pm to 8:30pm with Larry Koenig of Smart

Discipline. I am going to that.

 

My son has just now become social because the children in his class accept him. I wen on his first day with a book we made all about him and it explained to the children what he has and why he does certain things. Now they can't wait for him to get to school and he has a different special buddy everyday. Its great now.

 

I hope you get some answers here! Good Luck!! TeamJakobSupport children with Aspergers,With your support their is no limit to Jakob's success!!

From: " mbkoehler@... " <mbkoehler@...>

Sent: Mon, February 22, 2010 10:46:34 PM

Subject: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills 

Hello,

 

First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us he now needs to repeat first grade).

 

Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

 

1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he needs to also experience it,  not just read it. Any suggestions?

 

2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking, clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like. We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

 

We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

 

Thanks!

 

 

-- McAllisterFB:  www.facebook.com/healfrominsideoutTwitter:  www.twitter.com/healinginside

Blog:  http://healingfrominsideout.blogspot.comReiki II practitioner, #1 alternative treatment recommended by Dr. OzHerbal consultations

[Guest guest]

I think many of us face these issues every day. My son is 6 1/2 and sounds

exactly like your son.

For social skills practicing, I can tell you that we have encouraged our son to

play with other kids in the neighborhood (all ages). Although it's sometimes

hard to get him to give up playing video games to head outside to play (we

usually have to promise x amount of time once he comes back in), he has a good

time. Now there are kids who will come to our door looking for him to play!

Additionally, have you thought of a local sports organization, like a soccer

team? That helps with social skills, team building, and exercise all at the

same time. It also gives him practice listening to other adults.

For defiance, I'll tell you that our time out looks a little different. When he

starts to break down and hit (which until a few months ago seemed like every

day!), we would give him one warning, " You can calm down here or in your room. "

If he could not (or would not) calm down, we'd take him to his room with another

warning, " You can stay in your room with the door open or shut. " If he could

not stay in his room with the door open, we would shut it. If he continued to

open it, we would warn, " You can stay in your room with the door shut or the

door locked. " If he again would not stay in his room, we would lock the door.

This involves flipping the door knob around to be able to lock him in his room.

(Our psychologist gave us this recommendation and although it sounds mean, it

has worked WONDERS in our house!) The time outs last 6 minutes from the time he

gets into his room and stays in his room (regardless of how long it takes him to

stop screaming, as long as he is following the initial request of " go to your

room " , that's what we time from.) Usually within a minute or so, he would calm

down and by the end of his timeout he was playing with his toys.

Now we just start with " You can calm down here or in your room " or " You can

(action requested) or spend some time in your room " and things de-escalate

pretty quickly. We rarely have to even shut the door, let alone lock it.

I think the key points are keeping your cool when you make your statements, and

following through with the consequences you set.

Good luck, and no you're not alone!

Anne

>

>

>

> Hello,

>

>

>

> First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high

functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The

current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal

report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that

says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us

he now needs to repeat first grade).

>

>

>

> Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

>

>

>

> 1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and

don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The

school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with

anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he

needs to also experience it,  not just read it. Any suggestions?

>

>

>

> 2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years

including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the

last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is

school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't

understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He

threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and

refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and

control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I

have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking,

clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is

currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like.

We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

>

>

>

> We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

>

>

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

My son is also 7 and in 1st grade, just dx 2 months ago. We were dealing with much of the same problems. He could not function in a class with 20 other kids. He would sit through the whole class and not do a bit of work. He told me he wasn't as smart as the other kids. I could not keep him focused to do homework and by the time he was able to complete it, it was time for bed. The school doesn't let him go out for lunch or recess because he gets riled up and hits other kids. And going to bed was a task in itself. He would cry that he was hungry when he had a big dinner and he would sneak out of bed several times.Since his IEP, I have a different child. I am amazed. He has a one-on-one throughout the day who helps keep him on task. The school has put him in special ed classes and smaller

classes for all subjects except specials like gym and art, and his science class because they don't have smaller classes set up for these. He is less stressed, hitting less, and able to stay focused and complete his homework in 30 minutes with little direction. The teachers are now telling me how smart he is and if he can correct his behaviors, he'd be in the gifted program. We are still dealing with the hitting, but it seems centered around 2 kids that provoke him. The school behavorist has observed him for the last 2 months and has agreed to let him out for recesses to play in small organized groups. Our deal at bedtime is, he gets washed and dressed for bed, then he has us for 1 hour after that to play or read or do what he chooses. He pushed the limits in the beginning and I stuck to the rules, and several nights he cried himself to sleep because he didn't do his part and he didn't get our special time. Now

he is eager to follow the rules. Whatever play he chooses, which is usually reading books, we do in the bedroom as its easier to get him into bed afterwards. He's not perfect, but he's made dramatic changes in the last 2 months. My son would act up everyday when I picked him up from school by not walking to the car, running from me and into the street, then not getting into the car, and again wouldn't put on his seat belt. I got bad looks from all the other parents. Because he exited the school by the playground, he assumed he could run around and play, even if it was by himself. I asked the principal if I could pick him up at the front entrance and this seemed more settling and less stimulating for him. I acted calmer when he wouldn't obey and bent to his level and said quitely you will get in the car and you will put on your seat belt. I took back control and it worked. I showed him I

wasn't going to get upset over his behavior anymore.I've also bought the CD collection "The Total Transformation" and this also talks about putting yourself back in control. It's kind of like having "The Super Nanny" in your CD player. When you leave your son and go to another room during his meltdowns, he feels he is in control and the more control he gets the more he wants and the more he acts out. Don't ignore him during his meltdowns, even if you have to just sit and watch him and wait it out. Just by sitting there, it will let him know you are there for him. Don't be

afraid to show him who's boss. If he acts up in public, just turn

him around, get back in the car, and go home. Don't feed his meltdowns.

My son once had a meltdown in church because I wouldn't let him run

around. I brought him into a room in the back and held him tight in my

grasp for 20 minutes until he finally stopped fighting me and settled

down. I told him his behavior was unacceptable and he would not do

that again, and he didn't. Ok, so I got lucky with this one.We also found out about a local social skills group that meets once a week to help them learn how to play with others. Our free advocate told us about the meetup and social skills groups. I can tell my son til I'm blue in the face (and I do tell him every morning) not to hit, but it makes no impact. I agree with you that they have to learn to act out the right behavior with other kids. My insurance will pay for this group.You can also find a meetup group in your area by going to meetup.com and typing in

aspergers and your area. If you're in Sacramento CA, these are the

groups I've found

http://www.meetup.com/find/?keywords=aspergers & userFreeform=Sacramento%2C+California%2C+USA & mcId=c94203 & mcName=Sacramento%2C+California%2C+USA & lat= & lon= & gcResults= & op=search & resetgeo=true & eventSearch= & submitButton=SearchYou can email other parents with kids your son's age and ask to get

together for a play date or wait for a scheduled meetup. I have emailed a parent on my local meetup

group and we are meeting at a bowling alley and pizza afterwards.

These parents are more understanding of AS kids. Kids at my son's

school don't want to play with him because of his behavior and hitting

in school. He didn't want to play with them because they really didn't

want to play with him. A teacher told my son's best school friend's

mother that he was a problem (I don't know exactly how and what she

said) and the friend's parents told their son he was not allowed to

play with my son anymore. My son was crushed. Screw those parents as

they are the ones with problems that they think they are so perfect. The school psy and principal stuck up

for the teacher and said they can't disapline her as teachers are

allowed to say anything about children to anyone. This is a complete

lie as the rules are stated in the FIRPA guidelines, the school's

version of HIPPA. We were told to let it go and more on. We had much

bigger issues to deal with so we moved on.I know it seems like a long road, but it will get better. This site has so many wonderful people that are willing to help and has helped me feel like I'm not alone. That in itself has relieved so much of my frustration. Keep reading. Everyone is here to help and to sound off when needed.Good luck and keep us informed,GenFrom: mbkoehler@... <mbkoehler@...>Subject: ( ) Help with defiance issues and social skills Date: Monday, February 22, 2010, 10:46 PM

Hello,

First post to this board. My wife and I have a 7yr old boy, high functioning, on the ASD spectrum. The initial diagnosis was PDD-NOS. The current working diagnosis is Asperger's and we're awaiting the final formal report. We just hired a great advocate to help us with the school system that says our son does not even qualify for an IEP (same system that recently told us he now needs to repeat first grade).

Anyway, we're sinking right now and need help with two issues.

1) Social relationship building. We've lived in our new town for 1.5 years and don't know anyone. We've had three sets of parents say no to playdates. The school cut the 'friendship group'. Our son expresses no interest in playing with anyone in his class. We have some recommended books like 'Social Stories' but he needs to also experience it, not just read it. Any suggestions?

2) Defiance. While we've had some minor issues over the last three years including melt downs and a little hitting/trying to hit when he's angry, the last three weeks have turned in a bad direction. We think the core issue is school where he's saying it's going faster and faster and he doesn't understand. At home, he's saying NO to a lot, and hitting more aggressivley. He threatened to open the doors to the van on the highway this past Sunday and refused to wear his seat belt. We feel like we're losing basic 'command and control' authority. Picking him up gets him very riled up and when my wife or I have given ourselves timeouts and retreated to our bedroom he starts kicking, clawing and scratching the door to get in. He's not currently on meds and is currently being reviewed by a credible neurologist in Sacramento who we like. We've called to move up his next appointment. Additional thoughts or opinions?

We would feel blessed by any help or support. It's very hard right now.

Thanks!