Re: new to it all and can use some support

February 3, 2011

the best book you can buy is an american girl book called "the care and keeping of you" here is the link to amazon.comhttp://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8 & qid=1296743737 & sr=8-1i use it for my girls and i always see them looking and reading it, they are only 10 but starting to develop. i highly recommend it Sycamore Art StudiosSycamore Art SchoolDeborah GustlinGraphic & Web DesignArt classes for K-12www.sycamoreartstudios.comwww.sycamoreartschool.comHome: 408-710-0892 Business: 408-710-6070From: dmalfatto <dmalfatto@...> Sent: Wed, February 2, 2011 7:53:27 PMSubject: ( ) new to it all and can use some support

Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year, and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that we started figuring out what was going on.

Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring this out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful, but it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is geared toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while and already have some routines in place.

I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter developed anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed dealing with that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really change anything except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have ideas on how to help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much research and reading and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting, etc. to do for my other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to do the extra reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my asperger daughter.

What pushed me to find you tonight is that she just got her period. She didn't tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything "embarrassing," so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to have to talk to her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is anything like it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be rough. I just wish I were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening mental illness (anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.

I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources for help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me in the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.

February 3, 2011

Hi Deirdre.. I'm also new here.. Just joined last night.. I have 3 girls with Asperger's (and a neurotypical boy).. Have you read Tony Attwood's book Girls & Asperger's Syndrome? He talks about how Aspie girls have a tough time with puberty, don't want to wear bras, etc..

My oldest daughter wasn't diagnosed until age 11.. I think it's pretty common to not receive a diagnosis until they are a little older. Some kids never get a diagnosis! Especially girls! So I think you are just fine.

We have always homeschooled as well... I just put my oldest daughter (13) into public school, at her request, about 3 months ago.. Last week she decided she wanted to go back to homeschooling, so we are going to do that. My 7yr old was put in public school at the same time and she is staying in for now.

What sort of help are you receiving for your anorexia? Hang in there.. Things will get better!

Misty

From: dmalfatto <dmalfatto@...> Sent: Wed, February 2, 2011 9:53:27 PMSubject: ( ) new to it all and can use some support

Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year, and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that we started figuring out what was going on.Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring this out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful, but it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is geared toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while and already have some routines in place.I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter developed

anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed dealing with that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really change anything except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have ideas on how to help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much research and reading and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting, etc. to do for my other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to do the extra reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my asperger daughter.What pushed me to find you tonight is that she just got her period. She didn't tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything "embarrassing," so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to have to talk to her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is anything like it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be rough. I just wish I

were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening mental illness (anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources for help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me in the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.

February 3, 2011

I think the american girl books on " care of your body " are

very good. My daughter is the opposite when it comes to

asking questions, she will keep asking me to come

in the bathroom and check if every thing is normal. I would

make it special for her, I took my daughter to a tea room,

and gave her a foot message to make it a special occasion.

It is so much tougher on you that she doesn't ask questions,

because then it may feel like a big deal to talk to her about

it. But knowing the anxiety that AS kids have I would be

very upbeat about her period, buy lots of different pads, let her

pick them out, talk about what happens if it starts at school,

give her a little purse to carry a few in, every day for awhile

talk about self care in an upbeat way. My daughter asked so many

questions, can you take a bath? can you bleed to death? is this

normal? is this too early? is this too late? am I wierd?

constant need of reassurance, and the school counselor had

a small girls group that talks about it too.

I would focus on helping your daughter talk about what she might

be feeling. You might feel afraid that this is a change...

You might be embarassed to talk about this but it is a

normal thing to want to know what this is about ...

AS kids often do not talk about their feelings until they

are overwhelming ....praise her for going to school,

for making this change ....I would work on helping her

name feelings and validating her feelings and accomplishments.

Emotional issues are the most difficult to treat and it really

needs a long term treatment plan.

I am so sorry you have this worry with your other child.

Anxiety is part of asperger as well as anorexia. Finding

ways to enjoy life, relaxing activities will help both kids.

Keeping life structured and predictable will help both.

Do you have to deal with outburts? I am getting to be an

expert in this area, she has so many.

hope this helps,

Pam

>

> Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed by

a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she

was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year,

and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in

parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing

a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that

we started figuring out what was going on.

>

> Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring this

out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful, but

it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is geared

toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while and

already have some routines in place.

>

> I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter developed

anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed dealing with

that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really change anything

except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have ideas on how to

help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much research and reading

and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting, etc. to do for my

other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to do the extra

reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my asperger

daughter.

>

> What pushed me to find you tonight is that she just got her period. She didn't

tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything " embarrassing, "

so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to have to talk to

her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is anything like

it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be rough. I just

wish I were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening mental illness

(anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.

>

> I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources for

help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me in

the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger

syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.

>

February 3, 2011

I think Pam did a great job of ideas of what to do and even gave me a few! I have already talked to my NT daughter who is turning 8 in a few weeks about what will happen, but heavens, I don't know how or when I will tell my younger daughter. I think that while I would make it special for her (by treating her to something that might make her feel grown up), I would make it really low key. Something like "I noticed that you started your period, I have some pads that will help you keep clean and dry and this is why it is happening" :)Carolyn W.

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...> Cc: Sent: Thursday, February 3, 2011 9:44 AMSubject: ( ) Re: new to it all and can use some support

I think the american girl books on "care of your body" are very good. My daughter is the opposite when it comes toasking questions, she will keep asking me to come in the bathroom and check if every thing is normal. I wouldmake it special for her, I took my daughter to a tea room,and gave her a foot message to make it a special occasion.It is so much tougher on you that she doesn't ask questions,because then it may feel like a big deal to talk to her about it. But knowing the anxiety that AS kids have I would bevery upbeat about her period, buy lots of different pads, let herpick them out, talk about what happens if it starts at school,give her a little purse to carry a few in, every day for awhiletalk about self care in an upbeat way. My daughter asked so manyquestions, can you take a bath? can you bleed to death? is thisnormal? is this too early? is this too late? am I wierd?constant need

of reassurance, and the school counselor hada small girls group that talks about it too.I would focus on helping your daughter talk about what she mightbe feeling. You might feel afraid that this is a change...You might be embarassed to talk about this but it is a normal thing to want to know what this is about ...AS kids often do not talk about their feelings until theyare overwhelming ....praise her for going to school,for making this change ....I would work on helping hername feelings and validating her feelings and accomplishments.Emotional issues are the most difficult to treat and it reallyneeds a long term treatment plan. I am so sorry you have this worry with your other child.Anxiety is part of asperger as well as anorexia. Findingways to enjoy life, relaxing activities will help both kids.Keeping life structured and predictable will help both. Do you have to deal

with outburts? I am getting to be an expert in this area, she has so many.hope this helps,Pam >> Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year, and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that we started figuring out what was going on.> > Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring this

out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful, but it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is geared toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while and already have some routines in place.> > I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter developed anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed dealing with that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really change anything except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have ideas on how to help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much research and reading and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting, etc. to do for my other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to do the extra reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my asperger daughter.> > What pushed me to find you

tonight is that she just got her period. She didn't tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything "embarrassing," so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to have to talk to her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is anything like it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be rough. I just wish I were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening mental illness (anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.> > I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources for help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me in the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.>

February 3, 2011

Deirdre,

Welcome to the group! I hope your talk about periods went ok. It might help to get a book from the library on the subject to teach her things she may be too embarrassed to talk to you about. But don't give up talking to her - just do it in smaller chunks if she looks ready to run.

Whenever you have kids with various issues, it is really hard to deal with all of them at once. I have often had to take the most pressing problems at the time and it is not based on trying to give everyone everything they need. There is only one of me. So try to remember you aren't superwoman!

Roxanna

â€œOur lives begin to end the day we

become silent about things that matter.â€ - Luther King, Jr.

( ) new to it all and can use some support

Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year, and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that we started figuring out what was going on.

Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring this out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful, but it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is geared toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while and already have some routines in place.

I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter developed anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed dealing with that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really change anything except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have ideas on how to help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much research and reading and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting, etc. to do for my other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to do the extra reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my asperger daughter.

What pushed me to find you tonight is that she just got her period. She didn't tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything "embarrassing," so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to have to talk to her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is anything like it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be rough. I just wish I were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening mental illness (anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.

I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources for help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me in the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.

February 3, 2011

Thank you for reminding me about these books. I think my older daughter might

actually have " care and keeping of you " on her shelves. I will dig it out.

My daughter won't let me touch her and has always been extremely agitated if I

even seem like I'm about to talk about something she thinks is embarrassing. I

don't see anything wrong with being open about menstruation. She just finds any

talk about private things upsetting.

But I may be able to swing a special lunch, just the two of us. I have been so

caught up in how hard everything is right now that I've forgotten about

celebrating. Even if I just hint that this is about her getting her period, it

will mean a lot to her.

I'm new to this diagnosis so I don't know whether outbursts has a particular

meaning, but we all tiptoe around her most of the time so she doesn't explode,

so I suppose that yes, she has outbursts. Anything you can share about that is

most helpful

Thank you so much!

Deirdre

> >

> > Hi. My name's Deirdre. I have a 12-year-old daughter who was just diagnosed

by a developmental pediatrician with Asperger Syndrome. We have always known she

was unique and had some major challenges, but we homeschooled until this year,

and doctors and other experts always downplayed my worries, so we just got by in

parenting her by winging it. It was just this past year when she started seeing

a therapist and then started school and saw the school psychologist as well that

we started figuring out what was going on.

> >

> > Has anyone else found out this late? I'm feeling guilty for not figuring

this out earlier and being able to help her earlier. I know guilt isn't helpful,

but it's there. I'm also finding that a lot of the information out there is

geared toward parents of younger kids or for parents who've known for a while

and already have some routines in place.

> >

> > I am having a lot of trouble handling this because my older daughter

developed anorexia last spring and we have all been very busy and stressed

dealing with that. I know that the asperger diagnosis probably doesn't really

change anything except for the better (she is the same person -- now we have

ideas on how to help her), but I am just overwhelmed because I have so much

research and reading and supporting and cooking and feeding and doctor-visiting,

etc. to do for my other daughter, and I have so little room and energy left to

do the extra reading and researching and changing things in our life to help my

asperger daughter.

> >

> > What pushed me to find you tonight is that she just got her period. She

didn't tell me, because she is so uncomfortable talking about anything

" embarrassing, " so I found out by finding blood around the house. I am going to

have to talk to her in the morning and am dreading it because if her reaction is

anything like it is when we have to bring up her bedwetting, it's going to be

rough. I just wish I were better prepared and didn't have a life-threatening

mental illness (anorexia) that I was also having to deal with.

> >

> > I am usually really good at finding books and websites and other resources

for help, but I am really hoping in my situation that someone here can point me

in the right direction for my situation -- a girl, diagnosed late, with asperger

syndrome, maybe some info on menstruation, maybe some on bedwetting.

> >

>

February 3, 2011

I did bring it up today (it's very light, still, so I am able to take things

easy). She started to panic that I was about to bring up something

" uncomfortable. " So I just reminded her that most girls get their periods around

her age, that both her sister and me got our periods at 111, and showed her

where the pads were with a quick explanation of how to use them.

She was extremely flustered about it all.

I still have to teach her about being proactive with the pads (changing them

regularly), but I'm going to let the rest sink in first.

I am so new to this -- is it unusual for a child to be so uncomfortable with

certain topics? I am not uncomfortable with them myself. This has been an issue

with her from very early on. She wets her bed and we have to go to therapy to

talk about it because her reactions to our bringing it up at home are so extreme

(we only bring it up to try to get her to deal with her pull-ups) and her wet

sheets (the pull-ups sometimes leak) -- no shame. I have to say I've been

dreading her getting her period for years, because I've assumed she would react

the same way.