Re: Correcting deficits vs. encouraging gifts?

[Guest guest]

a very very careful balance of both.  Son is now 15.  I wish we did less " therapy " over the years as most of it was totally useless, trying to hammer square peg into round hole.On Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 8:06 AM, rumbai_rankin <rumbai_rankin@...> wrote:

 

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you found works better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

There is a nice book about using a child's interests to work on behavior - "Power Card" by Gagnon that might work for you.

I have always felt that moderation is the smartest route to anywhere. I mean, I recommend you do pay attention to the gifted part because it counts. But don't get so over-involved in that that you forget other important aspects.

Roxanna

“Our lives begin to end the day we

become silent about things that matter.†- Luther King, Jr.

( ) Correcting deficits vs. encouraging gifts?

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you found work

s better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

If you find him a group now like boy scouts he may make

some friends that will last at least to the 4th or 5th grade.

This is important. Or if he has a cousin, neighbor etc. schedule

lots of play dates. This is easier to do in grades 1-4th.

Find him a sport to develop, often AS kids do well swimming,

martial arts, bowling (a little young for that), biking.

Kids with AS do not need their special interests developed,

they are by defination an obsession. If he likes

science he will seek it, he won't seek social situations

by defination of the syndrome.

If you have behavior issues now, I suggest you set up home

life where you have him earn time on obsessional interests

for good behavior. For example, I allowed my daughter to

go on the computer on weekends as much as she wanted ..

bad idea. She wouldn't get off. And as her school anxiety

grew she refused to go to school or procastinates and

arrives late so much.

This is what I have in place, after school until 4:30pm

she picks something she likes to do (computer whatever)

provided she got to school on time. If not on time she gets

computer time but less till 4:30pm. She earns stickers

for good behavior (not hitting, shouting etc) to be used

for buying more collections of stuff (which she doesn't need

but enjoys).

Anxiety is hard to treat in AS kids, they don't like to talk

about their feelings and they have trouble seeing the

big picture. To gain cooperation in reducing anxious avoidant

behaviors you will most likely have to use a behavior

plan.

On weekends I made sure that we did not stay in all weekend

we go out for a few hours either to socialize or to participate

in some physical activity. My daughter would not have

left the house if given a choice. I do things that other

typical kids would do but first with me, if she is overwhlemed

by it.

Social problems will persist throughout their development,

there is no cure that I have seen documented in any clinical

study, but everyone agrees that encourage them to play with others, and teach

explicitly the rules of socializing at each and

every developmental stage. Early on the issue is keeping them engaged with peers

which is easy 1:1. But as kids get into

middle school and high school they need to be able to stand in a small

group before class and talk a little with others.

This is a really hard skill for a AS kid to develop. They want

so much to talk about their very narrow interests.

You can do a lot by having a peer over 3 times a week

and help facilate socializing and hopefully he will

find someone that he can sustain a friendship with

as a young child. This will give him the motivation to

find another friend in his young teen years. It may be

harder as often it is but the motivation will be there.

Push him slowly out of his comfort zone, have sleepovers

at your house and hopefully he will be comfortable with

some independence as he gets older. Even if it means

sleeping over Grandpa's house to start (as an example).

A six year old just needs to stay engaged with a peer

for maybe 1 hour or less at first. Then you can talk

about the peers interests, what do they like, lets

play this game with the peer and then what you like,

teach him to be flexible (this may take years with some

AS kids), broaden interests they are too narrowly focused.

If your son is a gifted student great! He may not have school

issues. But a good portion of AS kids are totally disorganized

and obsessed with their interests.

As he gets to high school giftness matters in class selections.

I would not push on that now, I would focus on broadening

interests so he takes an interest in things his peers do,

expose him to movies, amusement parks etc. Not that these

are critical in life, I don't think they are but over the

years my daughter as gone to many movies with her cousins

etc..

I hope this helps. Kids with AS are on a spectrum, some

AS kids may not really be AS and may not be very

ridgid at all so this may not apply to your son.

But when there is anxiety and isolation and narrow

interests, it is hard to pull out of this place

and socialize effectively.

Pam .

>

> I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction.

He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a

rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled

out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on

Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and

the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted

child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments,

math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time

now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and

our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function

reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he

does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to

reduce his anxiety. What have you found works better long-term - correcting

deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Debra,

I gotta chime in here. A bit off topic, but my son, 14, has "Social Skills" on Thursday for 40 mins.

He is sooooo angry, frustrated and tired of it. Sigh.

Today, he kept telling the gal that he was okay with himself and tired of the class. That it wasted his time and he'd rather be doing something else. She asked him what he'd rather be doing and he told that he wasn't falling for that....that she was trying to get him to have a conversation that he didnt' want to have. Sigh..............

He admitted that he shouldn't have talked that way to her.....and that when he sees her again, he'll apologize, but doesn't understand why he has to "waste his time" with the "social crap".

I agree to a point. He's got an amazing sense of self-esteem. He talks when he wants to and can carry on a great conversation.......but it has to be on his terms most of the time.I know, I know.......that's probably the point of the class. To "act" appropriately even when you don't want to. But.......I just wonder how much to push him out of what he is.

Robin

......A rich man is not one who has the most,

but who needs the least.....

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you

found works better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

my son DESPISED the social skills people.  He didn't want to act " appropriate " for these idiots, in his mind.  Now, he is in a Linux users group at the college and tries SO hard to act appropriate, fit in, do what is expected, etc.  He WANTS to do it in this setting.  He doesn't want to be seen as different to these " peers " and wants to be a " team player " with them.  Thank god we do have settings where he really DOES care and allows me to do social autopsies afterwords, discuss before hand, and listens to my input for these.  They are so important to HIM that he cares and will take advice.  If someone doesn't care, you can't really force them to.   He so hated therapy.  We did it out of guilt, that we should be doing it, but it was a complete waste of time and money.  It did help ME learn how to prompt, coach, what to say, etc. but that was it.  We really don't have many quality folks out here in the middle of nowhere, so that was part of the problem too.  I don't blame your son.  That was how my son felt about it.  After a while, I felt that way too.  Angry, frustrated, and tired of it.  I think we did about a year and a half of it with one person, then a long string of other providers we tried in various ways.  The last attempt was a year ago when there was a psychologist locally who also teaches tennis.  I thought maybe we could pay for 1 on 1 lessons on tennis and a relationship would form where we could sneak in counseling, etc.  for 50.00 for 30 minutes he got great tennis lessons for 6 weeks but that was about it.  Nothing more came of it. 

I tell people it is as if someone told you you were going to have to play nintendo 18 hours per day and that you should LIKE doing this, because everyone ELSE likes doing it, and that is just what people do, and you will need to learn to do that too if you will ever want to be successful, happy, etc.  Really, you hate it, will always probably hate it, and don't see the value in it.  You would get irritated with the idea, think people that pushed the idea were morons, and would generally just think it all stunk.  If someone said " hey, the rest of the world does this, I know you don't like to do this, but you at least need to know how to play the games, pretend like you like it " " that way, you will fit in better and people will be nicer to you. "   We need to teach them enough to get by and fake it, but we will never significantly put a dent in their autistic tendencies and ways of life.  Teaching them to see why it values them seems to work best.  Why you should care.  It reminds me of how my husband used to get mad at my son over and over and over again for leaving his tools in the rain.  This went on for about 2 years on and off.  One day we were at grandparents house and suddenly during dinner my son got up and went to go put grandpas tools away because " I don't want to leave them in the rain. "   We just about died.  He had NEVER done it without much prompting at our house and it was a big pain at our home, and generally at that point he wouldn't do much of anything unless he thought it was a good idea or it benefited him.  We were thrilled that he actually internalized it, realized that someone ELSE wouldn't want him to do that, and changed his behavior in a new setting.  I think the social skills are the same idea.  We talked until we were blue in the face for years, but now that he is old enough to see how it benefits HIM and WHY he should care, he finally is able to use those skills we have been talking about for years and years and years. 

Sorry, I'm rambling on and on today!  On Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 7:12 PM, and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote:

 

Oh Debra,

 

I gotta chime in here.  A bit off topic, but my son, 14, has " Social Skills " on Thursday for 40 mins.

He is sooooo angry, frustrated and tired of it.  Sigh.

Today, he kept telling the gal that he was okay with himself and tired of the class. That it wasted his time and he'd rather be doing something else.  She asked him what he'd rather be doing and he told that he wasn't falling for that....that she was trying to get him to have a conversation that he didnt' want to have.

Sigh..............

 

He admitted that he shouldn't have talked that way to her.....and that when he sees her again, he'll apologize, but doesn't understand why he has to " waste his time " with the " social crap " .

 

I agree to a point.  He's got an amazing sense of self-esteem.  He talks when he wants to and can carry on a great conversation.......but it has to be on his terms most of the time.I know, I know.......that's probably the point of the class.  To " act " appropriately even when you don't want to.  But.......I just wonder how much to push him out of what he is.

Robin

 

......A rich man is not one who has the most,

but who needs the least.....

 

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you

found works better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

Wow...thanks everyone for sharing. I can completely relate to what you're going through. When I first was told that my son may be autistic and it was suggested that I take him to Kennedy Kreiger Institute, I did. A few months after that I got the diagnosis of AS. However, when we participated in the institute's behavioral modification program, my son (he was 6 years old then) and I hated it. The therapist would bring out the worst in him. He would talk to her, he plotted ways to attack her, he would try to lock her out of the room when she stepped out or he would draw pictures of her being attacked by dinosaurs. She felt ignoring him would work best when dealing with him and so was so wrong. She didn't really seem to know how to dealing children with Asperger's Syndrome. She suggested that

I reward him every time he performed an "appropriate" behavior with either food, candy or toys...giving us a chart (with pictures his favorite insects) so I can chart his "negative" and "positive" behavior. My son wanted me to throw that chart in the garbage. Needless to say, we never used it.My son seems to so much better when he's not being pressured and/or manipulated to behave a certain way.AmaFrom: Debra Balke <dlbalke@...> Sent: Thu, February 3, 2011 11:53:12 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Correcting deficits vs. encouraging gifts?

my son DESPISED the social skills people. He didn't want to act "appropriate" for these idiots, in his mind. Now, he is in a Linux users group at the college and tries SO hard to act appropriate, fit in, do what is expected, etc. He WANTS to do it in this setting. He doesn't want to be seen as different to these "peers" and wants to be a "team player" with them. Thank god we do have settings where he really DOES care and allows me to do social autopsies afterwords, discuss before hand, and listens to my input for these. They are so important to HIM that he cares and will take advice. If someone doesn't care, you can't really force them to. He so hated therapy. We did it out of guilt, that we should be doing it, but it was a complete waste of time and money. It did help ME learn how to prompt, coach, what to say, etc. but that was it. We really don't have many quality folks out

here in the middle of nowhere, so that was part of the problem too. I don't blame your son. That was how my son felt about it. After a while, I felt that way too. Angry, frustrated, and tired of it. I think we did about a year and a half of it with one person, then a long string of other providers we tried in various ways. The last attempt was a year ago when there was a psychologist locally who also teaches tennis. I thought maybe we could pay for 1 on 1 lessons on tennis and a relationship would form where we could sneak in counseling, etc. for 50.00 for 30 minutes he got great tennis lessons for 6 weeks but that was about it. Nothing more came of it.

I tell people it is as if someone told you you were going to have to play nintendo 18 hours per day and that you should LIKE doing this, because everyone ELSE likes doing it, and that is just what people do, and you will need to learn to do that too if you will ever want to be successful, happy, etc. Really, you hate it, will always probably hate it, and don't see the value in it. You would get irritated with the idea, think people that pushed the idea were morons, and would generally just think it all stunk. If someone said "hey, the rest of the world does this, I know you don't like to do this, but you at least need to know how to play the games, pretend like you like it" "that way, you will fit in better and people will be nicer to you." We need to teach them enough to get by and fake it, but we will never significantly put a dent in their autistic tendencies and ways of life. Teaching them to see why it values them

seems to work best. Why you should care. It reminds me of how my husband used to get mad at my son over and over and over again for leaving his tools in the rain. This went on for about 2 years on and off. One day we were at grandparents house and suddenly during dinner my son got up and went to go put grandpas tools away because "I don't want to leave them in the rain." We just about died. He had NEVER done it without much prompting at our house and it was a big pain at our home, and generally at that point he wouldn't do much of anything unless he thought it was a good idea or it benefited him. We were thrilled that he actually internalized it, realized that someone ELSE wouldn't want him to do that, and changed his behavior in a new setting. I think the social skills are the same idea. We talked until we were blue in the face for years, but now that he is old enough to see how it benefits HIM and

WHY he should care, he finally is able to use those skills we have been talking about for years and years and years.

Sorry, I'm rambling on and on today! On Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 7:12 PM, and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote:

Oh Debra,

I gotta chime in here. A bit off topic, but my son, 14, has "Social Skills" on Thursday for 40 mins.

He is sooooo angry, frustrated and tired of it. Sigh.

Today, he kept telling the gal that he was okay with himself and tired of the class. That it wasted his time and he'd rather be doing something else. She asked him what he'd rather be doing and he told that he wasn't falling for that....that she was trying to get him to have a conversation that he didnt' want to have.

Sigh..............

He admitted that he shouldn't have talked that way to her.....and that when he sees her again, he'll apologize, but doesn't understand why he has to "waste his time" with the "social crap".

I agree to a point. He's got an amazing sense of self-esteem. He talks when he wants to and can carry on a great conversation.......but it has to be on his terms most of the time.I know, I know.......that's probably the point of the class. To "act" appropriately even when you don't want to. But.......I just wonder how much to push him out of what he is.

Robin

......A rich man is not one who has the most,

but who needs the least.....

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you

found works better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for the input, everyone. I live in the jungle in Indonesia and my

son goes to a small international school. He has a fabulous teacher this year

who happens to have special ed certification and has an NVLD daughter. She has

great experience & is confident so she is a great advocate for our son. I had a

feeling I was not missing out on much by not having access to the therapists and

psychologists. We will be visiting a regional pragmatics professional this

weekend & should get some good tools to work with him on. I think the Model Me

Kids DVDs and Kingsley emotions DVD-ROM I have coming soon will be much

more effective than counseling with a specialist would be - have any of you

tried these DVDS/DVD-ROMs?

- Sue

> >>

> >>

> >>>I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention

dysfunction. He

> >>>is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a

> >>>rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed,

pulled

> >>>out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on

> >>>Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test

and

> >>>the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a

gifted

> >>>child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific

experiments,

> >>>math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more

time

> >>>now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school

and

> >>>our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function

> >>>reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think

he

> >>>does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears

to

> >>>reduce his anxiety. What have you found works better long-term -

correcting

> >>>deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A good rule is " one hour of special interest a day " beyond that it

is obsessional. That is the defination of OCD doing some ritual

more than 1 hour a day, every day and that impacts, social or school/work life.

It may reduce anxiety to be narrowly focused

but it impacts daily functioning. And if the child has a slow

processing speed they need extra time for hygiene,

homework, social engagement and rest.

Parent's like myself are polite, I let her talk about her

interests, who else will listen? But their has to be some

practice with parent's at dinner nightly, where a widen range

of topics are discussed (what is happening in the world today,

weather, family news, school news) and special interests

such as minute details of mice coloring is put on hold.

I felt very protective of my daughter when she was young,

and perhaps when they are 6, 7, 8 it is appropriate to

build up their strengths, it feels right anyway. Some

point though definately by middle school they have

to have a broaden range of interests to fit in. They may

say they don't want friends, but humans are social beings,

they may just not want to have to keep facing anxiety.

It is a struggle. Noone can be healthy and live isolated.

Pam

>

> >

> >

> > I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention

> > dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore

> > we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of

> > phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on

> > Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high

> > on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for

> > classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with

> > him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc.

> > However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and

> > socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations,

> > and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His

> > anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend

> > more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety.

> > What have you found works better long-term - correcting deficits,

> > encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have never quantified how I handle it, but I love this explanation and find I do let my son have about an hour a day myself. After that I usually find other things that need to be done or ways I need help to bring him back to reality, at least on weekends and non-school days. It is somewhat out of your hands at school / childcare situations though. My son's teacher found an interesting way to handle it this year. He was only allowed to make one thing a day to do with his special interest. They go on display and then when he finishes enough then he gives them to all the kids in the classroom so each child gets one of his creations. I thought his was such a wonderful idea and now he is so proud. In previous years though the staff would let him do anything all day as long as it kept him

quiet and out of trouble. So that is tough because at home you would love to let them just relax but if that is what they have done all day at school then you feel like you need to fill in those few hours between school and dinner and bed with more therapeutic activites. They need time to just be themselves and be kids though. It is a really hard balance to find. I think you have to just go with your instincts on that one.

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...> Sent: Fri, February 4, 2011 11:01:44 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Correcting deficits vs. encouraging gifts?

A good rule is "one hour of special interest a day" beyond that itis obsessional. That is the defination of OCD doing some ritualmore than 1 hour a day, every day and that impacts, social or school/work life. It may reduce anxiety to be narrowly focused but it impacts daily functioning. And if the child has a slowprocessing speed they need extra time for hygiene, homework, social engagement and rest. Parent's like myself are polite, I let her talk about herinterests, who else will listen? But their has to be somepractice with parent's at dinner nightly, where a widen rangeof topics are discussed (what is happening in the world today,weather, family news, school news) and special interestssuch as minute details of mice coloring is put on hold. I felt very protective of my daughter when she was young, and perhaps when they are 6, 7, 8 it is appropriate to build up their strengths, it feels

right anyway. Somepoint though definately by middle school they haveto have a broaden range of interests to fit in. They maysay they don't want friends, but humans are social beings,they may just not want to have to keep facing anxiety.It is a struggle. Noone can be healthy and live isolated. Pam > > >> >> > I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with

attention> > dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore> > we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of> > phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on> > Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high> > on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for> > classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with> > him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc.> > However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and> > socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations,> > and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His> > anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we

spend> > more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety.> > What have you found works better long-term - correcting deficits,> > encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

OMG!! This is my father and son!!! Neither of them can stand being "fake" even for social situations. It's so hard to get them to realize that things will work easier if they just play nice.So so so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this. Anyone have tricks that are working? Must be appropriate for children and adults.From: Debra Balke <dlbalke@...> Sent: Thu, February 3, 2011 10:53:12 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Correcting deficits vs. encouraging gifts?

my son DESPISED the social skills people. He didn't want to act "appropriate" for these idiots, in his mind. Now, he is in a Linux users group at the college and tries SO hard to act appropriate, fit in, do what is expected, etc. He WANTS to do it in this setting. He doesn't want to be seen as different to these "peers" and wants to be a "team player" with them. Thank god we do have settings where he really DOES care and allows me to do social autopsies afterwords, discuss before hand, and listens to my input for these. They are so important to HIM that he cares and will take advice. If someone doesn't care, you can't really force them to. He so hated therapy. We did it out of guilt, that we should be doing it, but it was a complete waste of time and money. It did help ME learn how to prompt, coach, what to say, etc. but that was it. We really don't have many quality folks out

here in the middle of nowhere, so that was part of the problem too. I don't blame your son. That was how my son felt about it. After a while, I felt that way too. Angry, frustrated, and tired of it. I think we did about a year and a half of it with one person, then a long string of other providers we tried in various ways. The last attempt was a year ago when there was a psychologist locally who also teaches tennis. I thought maybe we could pay for 1 on 1 lessons on tennis and a relationship would form where we could sneak in counseling, etc. for 50.00 for 30 minutes he got great tennis lessons for 6 weeks but that was about it. Nothing more came of it.

I tell people it is as if someone told you you were going to have to play nintendo 18 hours per day and that you should LIKE doing this, because everyone ELSE likes doing it, and that is just what people do, and you will need to learn to do that too if you will ever want to be successful, happy, etc. Really, you hate it, will always probably hate it, and don't see the value in it. You would get irritated with the idea, think people that pushed the idea were morons, and would generally just think it all stunk. If someone said "hey, the rest of the world does this, I know you don't like to do this, but you at least need to know how to play the games, pretend like you like it" "that way, you will fit in better and people will be nicer to you." We need to teach them enough to get by and fake it, but we will never significantly put a dent in their autistic tendencies and ways of life. Teaching them to see why it values them

seems to work best. Why you should care. It reminds me of how my husband used to get mad at my son over and over and over again for leaving his tools in the rain. This went on for about 2 years on and off. One day we were at grandparents house and suddenly during dinner my son got up and went to go put grandpas tools away because "I don't want to leave them in the rain." We just about died. He had NEVER done it without much prompting at our house and it was a big pain at our home, and generally at that point he wouldn't do much of anything unless he thought it was a good idea or it benefited him. We were thrilled that he actually internalized it, realized that someone ELSE wouldn't want him to do that, and changed his behavior in a new setting. I think the social skills are the same idea. We talked until we were blue in the face for years, but now that he is old enough to see how it benefits HIM and

WHY he should care, he finally is able to use those skills we have been talking about for years and years and years.

Sorry, I'm rambling on and on today! On Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 7:12 PM, and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote:

Oh Debra,

I gotta chime in here. A bit off topic, but my son, 14, has "Social Skills" on Thursday for 40 mins.

He is sooooo angry, frustrated and tired of it. Sigh.

Today, he kept telling the gal that he was okay with himself and tired of the class. That it wasted his time and he'd rather be doing something else. She asked him what he'd rather be doing and he told that he wasn't falling for that....that she was trying to get him to have a conversation that he didnt' want to have.

Sigh..............

He admitted that he shouldn't have talked that way to her.....and that when he sees her again, he'll apologize, but doesn't understand why he has to "waste his time" with the "social crap".

I agree to a point. He's got an amazing sense of self-esteem. He talks when he wants to and can carry on a great conversation.......but it has to be on his terms most of the time.I know, I know.......that's probably the point of the class. To "act" appropriately even when you don't want to. But.......I just wonder how much to push him out of what he is.

Robin

......A rich man is not one who has the most,

but who needs the least.....

I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions, therefore we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out of phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc. However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's recommendations, and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety. What have you

found works better long-term - correcting deficits, encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

[Guest guest]

is obsessed with video gaming and I can no longer stand talking to him

about it. His peers even say he talks about gaming too much. He is completely

obsessed to the point where he has stolen hundreds of dollars from family

members just to purchase game systems. He has also broken into peers houses and

cars.

I now have a rule. I bought a wii and he is allowed to play one hour a day.

The catch is that he is only allowed to play wii sports and party games and it

is a family thing so me and all the kids play together from 7 to 8 pm every

night. This discourages him from breaking the law and helps him relate to his

family. Its kinda like we are meeting him halfway.

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention

> > > dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions,

therefore

> > > we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled out

of

> > > phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting on

> > > Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally high

> > > on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for

> > > classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests with

> > > him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc.

> > > However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and

> > > socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's

recommendations,

> > > and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His

> > > anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we spend

> > > more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety.

> > > What have you found works better long-term - correcting deficits,

> > > encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds great! The more some AS kids spend on special interest,

the more (some) become more and more intolerate of school/work.

Life can be so stressful for some of our kids that the comfort

of a special interest becomes more the center of their life.

Unfortunately, this cannot sustain them into adulthood. And that

is why it is so hardt .Many parents write into our group about an

adult child that is depressed and doesn't leave their rooms.

If we look to the OCD community for evidence based practices

we see the therapy is to increase pro-social behavior and

reduce compulsions that waste so much of a person's life.

I think AS is on the OCD spectrum. AS kids are compulsive

to avoid socializing (which is stressful and not rewarding).

OCD kids are compulsive to avoid anxious thoughts.

Pam

> > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have a 6 yr old son recently diagnosed with AS with attention

> > > > dysfunction. He is an OCD subtype with strong physical reactions,

therefore

> > > > we are on a rollercoaster with him getting kicked off the bus, pulled

out of

> > > > phys ed, pulled out of activities, etc. We and the school are starting

on

> > > > Winner's approaches. He recently scored exceptionally

high

> > > > on his MAP test and the doctor suggested we have him further tested for

> > > > classification as a gifted child. I just love purusing his interests

with

> > > > him - scientific experiments, math equations, reading progress, etc.

> > > > However, we are spending much more time now on behavior modification and

> > > > socialization to cooperate with the school and our doctor's

recommendations,

> > > > and to simply try to get him to function reasonably well in life. His

> > > > anxiety level is markedly higher now. I think he does better when we

spend

> > > > more time at home on his interests - this appears to reduce his anxiety.

> > > > What have you found works better long-term - correcting deficits,

> > > > encouraging gifts, or a balance of both?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>