Re: condescending Emails from sons teacher~

[Guest guest]

Raina,

I use to say the same thing....Why did God think I was strong enough to deal with all this cause I am not. But in reality we are and in the areas we are weak....he sends us Angels to help us....like the people on this site or a friend or psychologist or someone you just meet....there are angels all over the place. So reach out ....just like you are doing on this site...we have either been there, there right now or will be there....but once thing for sure we are all here for each other and for our children.

If your children are starting a new school...I would write up an introuduction to your child. Let the teachers know a little bit more about him and his behaviors and learning difficulties. This can help.

Also, just a hint, try to be as professional as possible. Be kind and polite....be kinder than they are to you. You attract more with honey then sour lemons. Not that you shouldn't advocate for your child....just try to remain calm and professional...try to leave your emotions out of it. (I know I know ...that is hard).

Another thing that I realize...our children may come home and tell us...my teacher yelled at me or my teacher said I was dumb or this or that....before you jump the gun....check out their side. Get the whole story. I know my son has told me teachers yelled at him and at a conference in talking I learned that teacher didn't yell....it was just his interpretation. I children perceive things differently or hear what they want to hear not what was said and our children take everything so literally. So, remember, double check.

I am not saying teachers can't be wrong but sometimes things get blown out of proportion. My son is 15 now and I realizing that I can not always take his word for everything....I need to hear both sides. But, in reality, we have not had too many problems lately....I am knocking on wood right now. I have stepped back quite a bit since he is 15. It has been hard on me.....but I am learning that I rather have 70's and 80's w/out fighting then 90's with fighting with him.

I am also stepping back so he can learn to rely on himself...I am not going to let him fall on his face...but I am stepping back and letting him handle bits and pieces on his own.....plus he is a teen who doesn't want his mom and/or dad around. LOL.

Gotta tell this story. My husband took him to a football game so he could see his past TSS who was coaching 7th graders. Well, while they were sitting in the stands...the Jr. Varsity team came out ....kids in my son's grade....well my son pulled his hoodie up so he would not be seen and then when they walked another way ...my son turned his back to them. My husband was concerned...he thought maybe these kids are picking on him or bullying him. When my husband asked him, he said no they aren't doing that....I just didn't want to be seen with YOU! LOL!

So blunt and to the point....but that's my son. Gotta love 'em.

jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: Raina Mefford <my6lilguys@...> Sent: Wed, November 17, 2010 11:04:17 AMSubject: Re: ( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~

Oh Robin,

You are sooo sweet and I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful your email made me feel, I read it to my husband and felt so at ease after reading it. I do wish we lived closer as I would LOVE to have coffee with you and chat about experiences and of course there would be crying.. but at least I could do it with the comfort of a friend.

Some days are sooo hard that all I do is cry and alot of nights it is crying myself to sleep

Thank you as well for the much appreciated info and help as well as everyone else who offered support and advice on my matter...I do however stand by one of the thoughts someone posted about my sons teacher and I think seriously hits the nail on the head.....She is just NOT qualified to teach my son, and in my heart I truly believe that.

With that said we have went forward and decided to start the kids at a new district and new school after thanksgiving. Tomorrow are school conferences and I am taking that opportunity to go in and tell all of the kids teacher during that time as well as voicing my true opinion to Ashtons teacher as I have held back for so long not wanting to make things any worse...

After speaking with the principal at another district yesterday I have never felt more confident as well as I know alot of the teachers and staff there and have been assured that he will not only have an IEP in a timely manner, he will also have the para educator one on one he so desperately needs!!

Since Ashtons diagnosis and all of the issues with him and school I have had some very very LOW days as our lives have been turned upside down in every way possibly known to man. And I have asked myself over and over, "why me, why did God think I was strong enough to handle this" when I feel so weak at times......And yesterday after writing the last letter to the group, a letter to our special ed administrator, and talking with a counselor....about all I have been through and all I have fought for in the past year and a half it hit me.........I am a fighter I always have been, I fight to the end until I get what I believe is fair or want, I dont give up easily. If I hadnt kept fighting he would not be getting evaluated at this point, I would not be spending my days from 4 am (when my husband leaves for work) till 11 am reading research online, laws and ways to help Ashton. I believe now that I was given Ashton because god knew no matter how hard he

is to deal with and how difficult my fight would be I would always always advocate and be here to make sure he is treated fairly!

I believe now that we ALL are given these children for a reason and I know somedays some of you may ask the same question to yourselves "why me"? and I truly think it is because we all have an inner strength it just takes some time to find it!!

I feel almost as if I am giving up by changing schools for Ashton however I have 5 other boys to worry about as if it was just Ashton I would stay and fight to the end, but I think that my fighting has already showed consequences on my other children as they are getting unfairly mistreated at school from staff as I also think Ashton is as well. This is the first time I have felt at ease about something and I really am confident this is the best decision I can make. I need to be finding ways to help Ashton at home and working on charts for him etc...not focused on helping him at school that is the schools job. I spend the majority of my day from the minute he walks out the door worrying when the phone will ring or when a new email is coming, reading laws about schools, finding info on ways to help him be at ease about school etc...when this needs to be his teachers job and she sits and does nothing!!! She had to google aspergers as did the principal,

what does that tell you???

Rest assured that even after Ashton moves schools and gets settled I have every intention on going to the school board with my letters and info etc...and I will see to it that NO ONE else ever has to go through what I have gone through! I will keep fighting that fight I guarantee it!!!

From: Raina <my6lilguys@...>Subject: Re: ( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~ Date: Tuesday, November 16, 2010, 12:49 PM

Thank you a million times over all of you for all of the wonderful advice I appreciate it! Ok so a little background Last year in kindergarden (right after he was diagnosed with adhd and odd) after the first 2 weeks of school I was receiving phone calls daily about Ashtons behavior and how they could not get him to listen or follow directions, he would shut down and hide under the desk etc...so the teacher would take him out of the classroom and put him in what they called the "recovery/detention" room, where he would sit with a mean lady that sat in her chair at the front of the room and do nothing. There he would melt down even more as he head nothing to keep his attention he broke 3 pairs of his rx glasses in a month as something to do and act out.After getting phone call after phone call they would start calling me and telling me he was acting out and they culd not control him (he would leave the class as this is part of his

meltdown he is too overstimulated and needed to settle and refocus) he started not going to pe and music and finally no lunch as well, as well as having accidents in class... After weeks of going and picking him up from school I started doing some research and found out that he wuld qualify for an IEP hands down. I called a meeting with the principal (ok a little background on the school, this is an extremely small school and my 6 kids alone bring in a TON of funding, there are 2 grades per class and the junior high and high school are all combined we are the only school in the district) my husband and I met with the principal 2 hours then we had discussed as I had to reschedule, we came up with the 504 plan making him exempt on pe, recess etc...we thought we were on the right track as we have been at this district going on our 2nd year and have always been soo praised on ur other kids and how wonderful they are as we like the small community

feel of things. As we wre leaving the office we noticed that my sons kinder class lights were all off and my husband nticed my son sitting at a desk ALONE (the folding doors to the other class were open and the teacher was teaching in her room but my son was all alone in his class) OK this made my husband FURIOUS!!!! so we sat with him and I read a book...low and behold 10 mins later here came his teacher and BOY did I surprise her she walked in and her face immediately turned white and she said "mom and dad I thought you were coming in earlier" and I said "no we rescheduled" she said oh I was just walking the kids to PE and ashton stayed here...............UMMMMMM I think he would have at least walked with you.From there things just started to go downhill and I still being nice and not wanting to be "that mom" I gave them the benefit of the doubt...Week after week I would send him to school and know the phone wuld ring, week after week I would

listen to how horrible of a child he was. I was having a hard time at home as well as I did not know how to control him so I was I guess sympathizing with the school and giving in to go get him. He went to 5 days of school in Dec alone. In October I made an appt to have him seen by a specialist in Seattle at an autism clinic, as my pediatrician had said he believed the spectrum played a role, in all of this. The problem is they are such a HUGE clinic and so many kids needing evals it takes at least 6 mos of getting into see someone. week after week I was asked by his teacher and principal, "any news yet when he can be seen" as well as being asked weekly or daily " is he still taking meds (we have been on a roller coaster ride 6 diff meds in a year) FINALLY!!!!!! In april the call came and we drove 4 hours to seattle to be seen by an ARNP where we had 3 hours of questions only to tell us she believed he fell on the spectrum and she would

consult one of her psychologists and get back to me about a full eval HOWEVER this would take anywhere from 3 to 4 months AUGH!!!!! So I trekked back to the school and reported what we found out. week after week I had been asked if I had heard anythig yet, the end of may we called another meeting where the principal in return told me that she did not think autism was playing a role in his day to day behavior and that she felt it as all ODD and referred back to his diagnosis from a behavior specialist the prior Sept, of ADHD and ODD telling me she did not see anything about autism in their notes UHHHHHH of course not they are a BEHAVIOR HEALTH clinic not an autism clinic. I went home and called the ARNP and begged her to fax a letter stating ashton had been seen and is awaiting a full eval, as I did not think the school was believing me. So she did thank god!Things continued the phone calls, being sent to the office at this point some

days he would have an accident and they would call me the first time I did this I brought the clothes in and was absolutely amazed at where they had him sitting (right by the office door not even in the nurses office) well he saw me and had a breakdown wanting to go home...from then out I told them I would meet them at the curb with his clothes (seriously I am smarter than that) As well as the principal then started telling me I need to stop coming to get him as he needs to know that even bad behavior he needs to stay at school and cannot go home....I told her then not to call me unless it is an emergency! Please NOTE my son has never hit, nor bitten, nor caused any bodily harm to anyone at school whatsoever. just leaving class, running from them and a few choice names! In June I had had enough and called the principal and once again asked for an IEP, (I had been asking all year and the best she could do was a 504 refusing the IEP) I was then

told at that point she did not feel he was suffering educatinally (missed 40 days of school and still did not know how to spell his name) when asked if he could just have a para to redirect him or to divert him in a meltdown I was told and I quote "we will not give that to him unless he needs to be diapered or in a wheelchair we simply do not have the funding" I was furious at getting no where.....We live 25 mins from a fantastic town my kids have attended school where in the district there are 4 diff schools alone and they all offer a fantastic special ed program, at this point I was ready to pull him out which is what i think they want BUT I will not just pull him I will pull all 6 of my boys resulting in a HUGE loss of funding, I threw that at her up to this point I have been nothing but nice up to this point and it has gotten me nowhere. I have done everything they have asked me to do and then some!In August we finally saw the

psychologist and our prayers had been answered a full autism spectrum diagnosis (299.0) I was soo happy and went straight to the principal with the news (I emailed her) however her full report would not be ready for a few weeks. a week before school the principal called me and wanted to know if she could have a copy of the report and I in return told her I did not have it yet she told me she needed it if we were to talk about an IEP...AUGH!!! so I called my psychologist and she typed a letter with all of the codes and all of the info and I hand delivered it!The next day the principal calls me and says "we need the letter on script paper and her DEA #" OMG!!! I called her once again and she informed me this was ridiuclous and told me I was more patient than she could be and also said that she is not an MD therefore she does not have a DEA# (she doesnt give meds) not script paper"The calls kept coming and even to come and get him started all

over again even at one point he was out of meds and we were waiting for his rx, the principal asked him not to return till he had meds again!!!At this point I had had enough!!! I went straight to the district office and wrote a hand written letter to the HEAD of the special Ed dept. The next day she called me and said "I am so glad you sent me a letter this is the first I am hearing of ashton, we will be starting the Eval process within the next week, have you sign papers and 30 days from there we have to evaluate him" BOOM!!! finally!!! When the full report came I skipped the principal and went straight to the head of the dept. and turned them into her I have had alot of luck with her however she is not the special ed teacher for our school (we only have one and she is hardly ever in her office she is out doing other things) and I have viced my dusgust and hurdles with her as well as the new letters that I have been receiving. I want to

deal strictly with her however she is als the vice principal of the high school so a very busy lady! The principal asked me last week about the full report and I told her I turned it in to Suzanne so she is fully aware I am no longer going through her! So there is the just of it and I think now you can see my frustrations I have done everything I can do accomodate them and when I receive these letters It makes my feeling to move my kids all the more strong....driving 20 minutes both ways 2x a day in my opinion would be worth it, but I am also scared as we live here and this is our home and my other kids have great friends here and we love love love the community and families, and now I work out here! I am so torn and I am also sooo sick of fighting! I have read law after law and consulted advocates and such and from all of the feedback what I am doing is right! The rewards for ashton are to merely get him on the bus to get to school as

often that is our biggest hurdle as he HATES school so much he will hide from me to avoid the bus we have charts at home and I use them for just getting to school is one section. I tell him "good behavior" which in our home means no meltdowns and no running away, the teacher uses "1st grade work" BUT I do not use those words as I cannot reach the moon if I cannot get to the stars...he doesnt even know how to spell his name or know all of his alphabet if I tell him (or she does) that he will get a reward for 1st grade work he knows its not possible so he will not try and just give up!!! to me she is being unrealistic and refuses to see how far behind he is! Instead they want to make him out to be this AWFUL child who is sooo unbehaved he cant stay in class...instead of maybe the lights are too bright or something is bothering him or its too chaotic I just feeling like I am setting him up for failure keeping him here at this school, esp since I

have been told that even wit the IEP (signed papers on the 22nd of OCt and he has tested with someone 2 times) he will still continue to go to the office and they will still continue to say he is not struggling!!! See my frustrations??> > >> > > I don't think the letter the teacher sent in response to you was wrong. I> > think> > > it was well thought out on her end, really. She wasn't saying he> > couldn't have> > > other classroom rewards, but she wanted to talk with you about what would> > be> > > appropriate since paper airplanes were not. What's wrong with that?> > >> > > Personally, when my son was in 1st grade, I would've never promised him> > a reward> > > like that (basketball game for "being good") at the end of the day b/c it> >> > > would've been

impossible for him to earn it and he would've been so> > focused on> > > the reward that he wouldn't of been able to focus in class.Â> > Rewards have never> > > really worked for my son. I would give him rewards, but I wouldn't tell> > him> > > ahead of time or he would hyperfocus on them, usually lose them b/c he> > was> > > distracted, and then melt down because he lost them. What happens> > if your> > > son messes up at 9am? His whole day at school would be ruined,> > probably.  Â> > > > > >> > >> > >> > >> > > ________________________________> > > From: Raina <my6lilguys@>> > > < %40>> > > Sent: Mon, November 15, 2010 4:52:09 PM> > > Subject: ( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~> > >> > > Â> > > Augh I am at the end of my rope so help me.> > > Ashton is in 1st grade and while we are still here fighting for an IEP,> > (he was> > > diagnosed a year ago with adhd, and odd and then in July diagnosed with> > > aspergers) he has regular shut downs in class and goes into stimulation> > overload> > > causig him to put his head down or crawl under the desk. The solution in> > the> > > schools eyes is to send him to the office where he sits and does nothing> > or> > > helps the secretary shred papers, and when they ask him if he is ready

to> > return> > > to class he says no! So there he sits, usually 95 percent of the day.> > >> > > After missing 45 days of school last year because they would call me to> > come and> > > get him as they did not know how to handle him, and still refusing him an> > eval> > > for an IEP, principal states "I dont think he is suffering educationally"> >> > > hmmmmmm 45 days of school missed...so I fought and fought and fought and> > fought> > > and NOW he is finally getting evaluated. However they have already told> > me he> > > will not get a para for 1 on 1 and will most likely send him to the> > office> > > still!> > >> > > (ok whole other story)> > >> > > So Ashton hates going to school I literally have to bargain with

him, and> > as you> > > know most aspies have their own rules so this morning I wrote a letter to> > his> > > teacher and told her if he was on his best behavior today he could go> > with me to> > > the basketball game tonight. Then he asked if he was good if he could> > make a> > > paper airplane, and I included that as well.......OK so these teachers> > and> > > school have never dealt with kids on the spectrum and do NOT know how nor> > do> > > they try to research them and yet I get a letter today as follows:> > >> > > Thank you for sending me a note about the reward you have promised Ashton> > today.> > > Let's change the wording for his behaviors from "being good" to doing his> > first> > > grade job. It makes the expectation specific. I use

that wording for> > Ashton and> > > all my students in class. I always ask him what is your job right now.> > >> > > Therefore, if he is doing his first grade job all day then he will get to> > go to> > > JH basketball game with Mom.> > >> > > Also, your second sentence talked about playing with paper airplanes.> > Playing> > > with paper airplanes is not a possibility in the classroom. Please don't> > make> > > possibility promises connected to the classroom and his behavior. First,> > > promising him a possibility of something is setting him up for failure.> > Second,> > > it is not something that you can follow through on. At conferences, let's> > talk> > > about rewards that are acceptable and appropriate that we all agree upon.> > >

Thanks,> > >> > > I was steaming after I read this, for one I was thinking he could do a> > paper> > > airplane during recess as he does not go to recess, he did not want to> > fly it> > > just make it as he LOVES art... I am just ready to be done with this> > school as a> > > month ago was his birthday and I received the first letter from his> > teacher> > > bashing me into the ground so this is the second letter I am receiving..> > >> > > The first one was his birthday and he had a major meltdown resulting in> > missing> > > the bus so when I took him he asked me if I could bring him cupcakes and> > I told> > > him I would "try" no guarantees and I knew sugar at school not a good> > idea and I> > > did not want to make it worse well low and

behold he came home that day> > with> > > cupcakes.....I called and thanked the school (not to mention I had lost> > my great> > > uncle the day before so things were insane oh and the other 5 boys in our> >> > > household helps with the stress augh) The next morning I get this email> > about> > > how I should NEVER promise cupcakes to him and that all day became about> > the> > > cupcakes and how I was tearing down what they are building up....lol> > little did> > > they know but the next day guess what...he demanded cupcakes again ha ha> > they> > > did it to themselves..no one called me and asked me about the cupcakes> > they just> > > assumed and I told her the next day I did NOT promise them to him and> > that with> > > a child with ashtons

difficulties you could tell him you are going to> > disneyland> > > in 4 months and he would tell everyone he is going everyday for the next> > 4> > > months...you cannot take their word on things at least not his!> > >> > > My husband and I are just very upset and unhappy with how they are> > handling> > > things and now this.....HELP!!!!> > >> >> > > >> > > > -- > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,> , , and Leah>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, honestly if it was not for this board I am afraid I would

have had no direction! The support from all of the parents from Aspie children

on here have been amazing, and sooo comforting to know I am not alone especially

when it comes to schools.

And as far as still fighting oh yes I am in this for the long haul and no parent

should have to go through what we have been through in the past year and a half

and I will make darn sure that will not happen!!

Thank you so much for your kind words!

>

> I am really impressed with your decision and thrilled that you can switch

districts as well. After the dust settles, you might want to bring suit against

the school, or at least make them less likely to fail other children in the

future. You could start by sending letters to the educational agency in your

state and the federal government.

>

> You rock, mama!

>