Re: How do ya'll deal....?

[Guest guest]

Good afternoon,

This is my first post. Below sounds just like out home. We are raising three granddaughters 9, 8 & 7)

They were removed from a troubled and violent home in 2002 and came to live with us full-time in early 2003.

Middle one is ADHD, youngest suffers from encopresis as a result of trauma and abuse from mother and the oldest is showing traits of aspergers (Have called for help and testing) We called for help because the abuse from them all, especially the oldest is getting out of control. We are truly afraid that we may not be able to help them at some point.

As long as we go along with what they want, everything is fine. Any use of no or refusing them something, no matter how trivial, starts the tirade against us. And of course, they tell us that living with their Dad (our son) would be so much better and he would let them do whatever or have whatever they want. (Not true and he never tried to get custody of them.)

We try to remember not to take it personally but it gets tough after a while, especially in front of other people.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. We're there too! Finding others that get all this is really important for all of us.

Take care,

& Stan Ritchie

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was

[Guest guest]

Oh .

I'm sooo sorry. It's soooo hard when you love so much, but don't get it in return.

Even when it's due to no intentional fault of their own.

My son did get upset and angry, but never directly to us. If that makes sense.

I think what you are "seeing" is not necessarily JUST the AS, but ODD, like you said. Is he on meds?

I wish I could help you more......just know that you are not alone and that you will probably get some great advice, here.

Robin

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?"Aspergers Treatment" < >Date: Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:06 PM

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

,

You are not alone...my son treats us terribly. ...both my husband and I. If I tell him to do something...he says he will...but never does. So when I ask him again...he screams at me.

As for homework...he wants nothing to do with it. He will take an F. He doesn't care. I have to help with him with everything...

His anger is horrible....when he comes home from school I don't talk to him for an hour ...I wait for him to talk to me. I believe he has ODD too! He is always angry especially with us.

What to do ...I am not sure...nothing has really worked for us...I keep telling my husband to do nothing for him. One time I was so angry ....I wanted to smash his Xbox but didn't. I would like to take it away. But, I get no backing from my husband. Plus he doesn't have many friends...

But I hear you....I truly do. And, when he was young...I did what your mother is doing ...I spoiled him. I stopped but we have a long ways to go.

jan

<font face="arial black" color="#bf00bf">Janice Rushen</font>

<font face="Arial Black" color="#bf00bf"></font> & nbsp;

<em><font face="Arial Black" color="#7f007f">"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"</font></em>

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

I wish I had some solutions for you.  Mine can do this too.  We go through phases when it is more prevalent.  He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself.  So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.JenFrom: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

 

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them.  I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me.  He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts.  Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks.  and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million.  And it happens all day everyday.  "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me. 

  Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" .  I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset. 

  I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt.  I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command.  I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me".  I didn't even know what to say to that.  We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy.  Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

 

[Guest guest]

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@...> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

This isn't typical Aspergers. My son can get upset and tell me things like "that's stupid" or "you need to be quiet about that, Mom" but that's about as bad as it gets in terms of how he talks to me.

Don't put up with this. He needs to have consequences for talking to you like that. When he was younger, I'd put my son in a timeout when he did the wrong thing. Some question that on this listserv, but it worked for us and was my saving grace when Dylan was 5 because I was at the end of my rope and my home was a chaotic mess. Timeouts taught him appropriate boundaries and that there are consequences for not making the right choice. If appropriate, I'd verbalize to him how hard it must be to make the right choices sometimes and it's not that I don't love him, it's BECAUSE I love him that I have to hold him accountable or he'll be out of control.

Nobody should be tiptoeing around their child, trying to prevent them from being mad or having a meltdown. That is a horrible way to live. The psychologist who taught me the right way to do timeouts also provided me with one-on-one counseling for half of Dylan's behavior therapy appt time so I could talk through my feelings of everything that was going on. That kind of non-biased help/opinions/support throughout my son's earlier years was a huge lifesaver for my family. I highly recommend it!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 2:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

,

I know that knowing you are not alone is cold comfort, but you are in good

company here I bet. I have not had the dx of ODD, but my son gets hateful and

aggressive. It is very very difficult to get him to mind. Asperger's plays

itself out in accordance to personalities. I hav ea 15 yo with it who it very

compliant, well behaved and quite loving, but my 5yo is hateful, aggressive and

a tantrum thrower. I didn't even associate him having asperger's because he

wears it soooo differently than my older son. I was really convinced I had the

world's most strong-willed child and I was just gonna have to hold his feet to

the fire. the more I did the worse he got. I have found that cuddling with hima

nd lightly scratching on his back or head calms him down and then I might be

able to get him to comlpy, but I do stress MIGHT, lol. He will be hateful then

turn around and be the most kissy faced hugging little lovey angel ever.

Telling me how much he loves me over and over again...it is curious isn't it?

Kelley

>

>

> From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>

> Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

> " Aspergers Treatment " < >

> Date: Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:06 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

> I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being

just completely HATEFUL to them.  I swear, I think my son really hates me when

he says he hates me.  He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd

with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts.  Something as

small as, " nicolas, please get down from there " if we're in the store, and he

climbs on the racks.  and he screams " you never let me do anything, because you

hate me " ...that is just one example of about a million.  And it happens all day

everyday.  " No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this

time " (he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different

privleges) he says " oh yes I will " and if I say no to that, he starts to push me

or hit me. 

>   Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like

this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've

been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants

from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because

he has a " disability " .  I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the

point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me,

because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset. 

>   I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me

like dirt.  I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me,

unless it's obey his every command.  I asked what he wanted to do for his george

washington project, and he said " nothing, you're going to do it for me " .  I

didn't even know what to say to that.  We used to be best friends, and no matter

how he acted at school, he was my little buddy.  Now, I don't even want to be

around him sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I

definitely need help!

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, don't feel like the Lone Ranger, my little guy is 5 and I get so tired ofhim

telling me that he hates me, I'm ruining his life, calling me a friggin idiot

and throwing anything he can get his hands on. This usually happens when he

gets told no or if he isn't getting the immediate attention he wants. The melt

downs were awful and often and would sometimes last for hours. He just started

seeing a physcritist (sp) he is on Vynaise and Clonidine for his ADHD, she has

put him on a low dosage of rispirdil and he is like a new child, everyone has

noticed the changes, he socializes with other kids, he is more lovable and if he

does get mad it only lasts for a few seconds. even tho we know they don't hate

us it sure wears you down hearing it over and over..Hang in there Lynda

>

> Not typical.

>  

>

>

> " Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one

out. "

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@...>

>

> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PM

> Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

>

>  

> I wish I had some solutions for you.  Mine can do this too.  We go through

phases when it is more prevalent.  He does scream at me that he hates me and

throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill

me or kill himself.  So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those

experiences as well.

>

> Jen

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: Chambers <missjen0124>

> Aspergers Treatment < >

> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PM

> Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

>

>  

> I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being

just completely HATEFUL to them.  I swear, I think my son really hates me when

he says he hates me.  He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd

with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts.  Something as

small as, " nicolas, please get down from there " if we're in the store, and he

climbs on the racks.  and he screams " you never let me do anything, because you

hate me " ...that is just one example of about a million.  And it happens all day

everyday.  " No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this

time " (he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different

privleges) he says " oh yes I will " and if I say no to that, he starts to push me

or hit me. 

>   Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like

this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've

been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants

from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because

he has a " disability " .  I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the

point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me,

because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset. 

>   I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me

like dirt.  I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me,

unless it's obey his every command.  I asked what he wanted to do for his george

washington project, and he said " nothing, you're going to do it for me " .  I

didn't even know what to say to that.  We used to be best friends, and no matter

how he acted at school, he was my little buddy.  Now, I don't even want to be

around him sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I

definitely need help!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would disagree. Not so much that it isn't typical of Aspergers, but it is typical of Aspergers Plus kinds of kids. So, Aspergers plus ODD or ADHD, or Bipolar, or plus whatever you want to call it. My kids were both similar, the younger much worse. Time outs don't work great for bipolar, psychosis, etc. So, we tried perfect limit setting, consequences, ABA, behavior mod, etc. to death, doing exactly what the behaviorists recommended, and the fact of the matter is, you just can't behavior mod some mental disorders away, no matter how much you try. So, after 11 years of my son, when my daughter came around with the same behaviors starting around age 9, we tried the behavior mod, consequences, etc. etc., but quickly realized it wasn't going to fix it and it needed meds. With my son we tried so hard at behavior modification. So, so, so, SO hard at it and it just didn't work. Sure, you certainly CAN make the situation worse by giving into the behaviors and not setting limits but there are many mental conditions that you can't fix with good limit setting. Just my thoughts on the matter.

From: MacAllister

Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:52 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmammasbcglobal (DOT) net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

My son has Aspergers, not a "mental condition," unless you consider a neurological problem a mental condition. But what I'm saying is, it's not typical to have a child w/ an Asperger's diagnosis to verbally berate those around him/her. I'm sure if you put other conditions with it like bi-polar (like you mentioned below), you might have a different situation, but I thought the question was if this was typical w/ Aspergers.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Debra Balke <dlbalke@...> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 8:33:23 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I would disagree. Not so much that it isn't typical of Aspergers, but it is typical of Aspergers Plus kinds of kids. So, Aspergers plus ODD or ADHD, or Bipolar, or plus whatever you want to call it. My kids were both similar, the younger much worse. Time outs don't work great for bipolar, psychosis, etc. So, we tried perfect limit setting, consequences, ABA, behavior mod, etc. to death, doing exactly what the behaviorists recommended, and the fact of the matter is, you just can't behavior mod some mental disorders away, no matter how much you try. So, after 11 years of my son, when my daughter came around with the same behaviors starting around age 9, we tried the behavior mod, consequences, etc. etc., but quickly realized it wasn't going to fix it and it needed meds. With my son we tried so hard at behavior modification. So, so, so, SO hard at it and it just didn't

work. Sure, you certainly CAN make the situation worse by giving into the behaviors and not setting limits but there are many mental conditions that you can't fix with good limit setting. Just my thoughts on the matter.

From: MacAllister

Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:52 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@ sbcglobal. net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Hi Jen,

Awww Jen, I really feel your pain. My son is also ODD/Aspie and was diagnosed in that order, so I know how wildly out of control they can get. The ODD made it tough to dx the AS, because he was so defiant that he wouldn't cooperate with the evaluators, so the ODD behavior masked the AS for nearly 4 years. Another aspect of the ODD is that he absolutely won't take meds, these kids are tough, and they have to feel like everything is THEIR decision. I too am the object of my son's rage, and he is about to turn 16, so he's hatched plans for my demise more than a few times and the bigger he gets the more threatening. Jen, always remember that YOU are in control and that you can make a choice about how you handle these situations... your son usually can not.

You two are really struggling with power which is SO typical of the ODD. The ODD child pushes so hard for control because he feels so desperate to control his environment (which he isn't equipped to do) resulting in an overwhelming flood of emotion that he doesn't understand and he ALSO can't control because of the AS, which frustrates him further, causing an emotional explosion that manifests into those out-of-control rages which seem psychotic.

It may help if you remember that it's not you he hates, it's his AS that is causing him so much frustration. Try substituting in your mind, the word "Asperger's" in every instance that he voices his hatred toward you. Keep in mind that the reason he focuses on you is because you are a "Safe" place for him to vent. He knows you will love him no matter how terrible he behaves, and he knows there is no one else in the world that feels that way about him.

I didn't catch your son's age, but when my son was growing up, I 'labeled' his feelings; "I can see that your anxious.. You must be very disappointed... that must make you sad... you must be so proud ... your feeling confused..." so that he would have the words to attatch to how he felt, and it seemed to deflate a lot of his anxiety; to think that understood him. I named his emotions with nearly any event he engaged in.

At this point you could give your son the, "YOU..(love).... I"... messages; acknowledge what HE is feeling... then tell him that Because you love him... this is what you want. Tell your son, "I can see your having fun up there, but BECAUSE I love you so much, I need you to get down so that you won't get hurt... Wow, you are really excited about that TOY.. I love you so much that I can't WAIT until you earn enough points for it!... When you talk to me like that it makes me sad, I love you so much that I won't let you talk to me like that.... ."

This worked well with my son until he hit Jr High years, at which time he withdrew as he sought peer acceptance and the need to escape. I honestly believe my son rages because he's scared of the feelings overwhelming him and he can't explain them because he doesn't understand them, and it terrifies him because he can't control those feelings (which adds to his anger) and his feelings end up controlling him through enraged outbursts which he directs at me because I'm "safe". ODD kids are unique this way, and intellectualizing the behavior is the easy part, living with it is the challenge. You just have to know in your heart that he loves you because at this time he isn't able to express that to you, and he can't live without the love and support you give him .

About the points system, it's a great tool as long as he buys into it. One thing I've learned is to never say, "No" outright. I may say: we'll see, or Yes! as soon as you earn enough points, or absolutely! how many points do you have, is there enough yet? Trying to put the responsibility of the "earning" back on him and also staying positive. The ODD kids hate being told "no", it's like flipping a switch to hell. Try to talk around it, by saying things like, "oh, I'd like to say yes!.. That would be SO fun!... I'd love to go home now TOO!....I agree, wouldn't that be fun!"

As far as the dynamic that is evolving with your Mom, could you talk with her and have her refer to YOU when your son asks her for something he wants. If she is willing to say to him, "Well I don't know! Let's see what your Mom says, or "Humm, did your Mom say that was OK?" or "WE need to check with your Mom, let's go ask her together". It's a way for you to get your power back, because what she is doing is undermining your parenting, and she may not even realize it. Explain to her that by giving him everything, it is actually harming your relationship with your son. And that the way to HELP him with his disabilities is to set limits and adhere to your "points" system.

Regarding your son's verbal assaults, he needs to be told every single time, that what he is saying, is unacceptable and you will NOT tolerate it, then remove him from the situation. You risk that behavior escalating if you allow it to continue by ignoring it. Try not to raise your voice, it will just escalate his anger. He needs you to remain in control, because he can't, so realize that you are already in control, and you make the decisions in his best interest.

The same is true if he tries to harm you physically. At that point you need to put some space between you both. So send him to his room for a time out, he needs a safe place and some alone time to decompress, because he is losing control and you refuse to be abused. Chances are he will "vent" by yelling at you from his room or destroying property in his room... Let Him... but it's HIS property and at some point he'll figure out that his broken toys are also a result of his actions (accountability). But it's really important that there is SOME response.

School work is a big struggle with these kids. They need our help daily with motivating, organizing, interpreting, understanding instructions, writing and legibility. Yet they HAVE to do the work, it's a LOT to expect of an ODD/Aspie and they all handle it differently. But as their guides, we also have to let them lead. If your son is TELLING you to do his work, it's time to make it very clear to him, that it is HIS work. That you are there to assist him if he needs you, but that HE must do the work.

If he chooses not to do the work, then that is also up to him. He will receive reduced credit, which will result in reduced "points" which translates to fewer privileges (or what ever consequence you have already agreed upon). Also, you have to reward the littlest things they do that demonstrate effort. Positive reinforcement is HUGE for the ODD kids, if there is something he wants ... you have a major advantage, so be sure to use it. When he makes a decision for his G. Washington project... tell him how PROUD you are of him making a choice and how proud he must be of himself. What he wants is control, so by rewarding the attempts he makes in the appropriate environment (school work), he will feel empowered and that will encourage him too.

It saves a lot of frustration if you can anticipate a situation that will cause controversy and have him agree upon the consequences ahead of time (at least make him aware of them), so that your son can decide if his behavior will be worth the consequences. Only one thing sets an ODD child off faster than being told "NO" and thats to have consequences "sprung" on them without a forewarning. They like to know at all times, what the game is, so THEY can decide how they want to play it. When he makes a poor decision, you have to be willing to follow through with those consequences. There are no easy answers but everything you're doing will be worth it!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?"Aspergers Treatment" < >Date: Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:06 PM

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily), because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability". I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness that is sooo funny. My son does the same thing. I thought he was the only one. If he trips he says..."I hate that floor...why did you have to get that kind?" All in a very loud penetrating tone. He also blames me for any of his bad behavior. If only I hadn't provoked it. ha ha. He has a pretty good sense of humor so I have learned to come back with something funny and he can't help but laugh so it diffuses the situation. Oh my gosh...just now I caught him picking his nose and oh my gosh eating it...I told him that it was disgusting and I was going to throw up. His response was..."well you shouldn't have let me do that when I was younger." Whattttt??????

In a message dated 10/19/2009 8:16:50 A.M. Central Daylight Time, dlbalke@... writes:

Your email made me chuckle...... Too funny.

( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

My son is 6 and still gets put in the corner for things like this, if he is repeatedly rude, or hits in he goes, he screams and shouts and hits and kicks the floor and walls, we tell him if he screams the timer gets set back up to 6 minutes ( 1 minute for each year old he is). We close the doors so he is out there with just his own company, we let him get on with it. I don't know if its having a few minutes in isolation gives him the space to calm down, or whether a meltdown is coming and the screaming helps him get it out of his system, but when he comes out of the corner he is a different boy.

Yep we get all the " I hate you's" his latest one is " I don't want this stupid shouty Dad anymore, I'm taking him back to the Dad shop and getting a proper Dad that doesn't shout all the time."

I just asked if he could make sure the new Dad looked like Brad Pitt too. lol

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?"Aspergers Treatment" < >Date: Sunday, 18 October, 2009, 20:06

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Robin,

He was on adderol and risperdol (which weren't doing much anyways) but we are having an issue with his insurance, so right now he is on nothing. I want to say that drugs aren't the reason that he's gotten this bad, that's its more of the issue of staying with my mom right now. But meds definitely calm him down a little bit. We already owe his dr money from the last visit that wasn't covered, and he won't give me a refill over the phone, so unless I come up with $120 for the office visit, and about $400 for the Rx's...He's just stuck with no meds....

From: and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 4:38:51 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

Oh .

I'm sooo sorry. It's soooo hard when you love so much, but don't get it in return.

Even when it's due to no intentional fault of their own.

My son did get upset and angry, but never directly to us. If that makes sense.

I think what you are "seeing" is not necessarily JUST the AS, but ODD, like you said. Is he on meds?

I wish I could help you more......just know that you are not alone and that you will probably get some great advice, here.

Robin

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?"Aspergers Treatment" < >Date: Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:06 PM

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

[Guest guest]

I don't walk on eggshells anymore with my son, it's more of he wishes I did, and that's why he's always angry. NOTHING is ever his fault, everything is someone else. He pushed my cart in the store yesterday because I told him that I wasn't getting him something, and I said, "Ok, you're definitely not getting this today, because you almost made me knock over a whole shelf of food" and he said "well it was your fault for yelling at me!" granted, yelling at him requires me to speak above a whisper!

From: rushen janice <jrushen@...> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 5:21:21 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

,

You are not alone...my son treats us terribly. ...both my husband and I. If I tell him to do something... he says he will...but never does. So when I ask him again...he screams at me.

As for homework...he wants nothing to do with it. He will take an F. He doesn't care. I have to help with him with everything.. .

His anger is horrible.... when he comes home from school I don't talk to him for an hour ...I wait for him to talk to me. I believe he has ODD too! He is always angry especially with us.

What to do ...I am not sure...nothing has really worked for us...I keep telling my husband to do nothing for him. One time I was so angry ....I wanted to smash his Xbox but didn't. I would like to take it away. But, I get no backing from my husband. Plus he doesn't have many friends...

But I hear you....I truly do. And, when he was young...I did what your mother is doing ...I spoiled him. I stopped but we have a long ways to go.

jan

<font face="arial black" color="#bf00bf">Janice Rushen</font>

<font face="Arial Black" color="#bf00bf"></font> & nbsp;

<em><font face="Arial Black" color="#7f007f">"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"</font></em>

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

,

I have definitely tried timeout, time and time and time again...nothing works as long as I'm staying with my mother. This morning for example, I went out of my way to make him a waffle for breakfast, a special lunch, and he was happy, so he had a little bit of time extra before we had to go to school. When it was time to go, I said "nicolas, time for school", which prompted, "why are you so horrible to me?!" and telling me I hated him for making him go to school, because he wants to stay home and watch TV. REALLY?! In his eyes I do nothing right. So on the way to school I said "what kind of privlege would you like to earn for getting through a whole day without screaming or hitting/kicking someone" and he said he wants to go to the park after school, so I said "ok, great, we'll do that as long as you follow directions, and keep your hands/feet to yourself, and don't throw furniture" he said "Why are you so mean?!

you always tell me to do those things!!!" so I continued to say as calm as possible "nicolas, i'm giving you a choice, follow directions today and we'll go to the park, don't and we won't" so he yelled at me some more. When he got out of the car, I told him I loved him, and he wouldn't say it back. He never says it back anymore, I tell him at least a few times a day, and he says "no you don't, you hate me". I don't know when I turned into such a bad guy. I know I need to get out of my mom's house!!! my family has our own Townhouse that we're paying rent for, and I can't even live there right now! UGH!!!

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 7:52:02 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

This isn't typical Aspergers. My son can get upset and tell me things like "that's stupid" or "you need to be quiet about that, Mom" but that's about as bad as it gets in terms of how he talks to me.

Don't put up with this. He needs to have consequences for talking to you like that. When he was younger, I'd put my son in a timeout when he did the wrong thing. Some question that on this listserv, but it worked for us and was my saving grace when Dylan was 5 because I was at the end of my rope and my home was a chaotic mess. Timeouts taught him appropriate boundaries and that there are consequences for not making the right choice. If appropriate, I'd verbalize to him how hard it must be to make the right choices sometimes and it's not that I don't love him, it's BECAUSE I love him that I have to hold him accountable or he'll be out of control.

Nobody should be tiptoeing around their child, trying to prevent them from being mad or having a meltdown. That is a horrible way to live. The psychologist who taught me the right way to do timeouts also provided me with one-on-one counseling for half of Dylan's behavior therapy appt time so I could talk through my feelings of everything that was going on. That kind of non-biased help/opinions/ support throughout my son's earlier years was a huge lifesaver for my family. I highly recommend it!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 2:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Oh, the old " it's your fault for... " been there done that many many times and

mine is just 5 years old. I too try not to walk on eggshells and set all the

right boundaries . We have a definite sysetem of rewards and consequences, but

he still gets set off. Yells at me or my husband, or anyone really, that we are

lying and if he hurts himself in this meltdown...it is always our fault. I NEVER

reward this behavior, but sometimes I would love to give in to avoid the

humiliation. I know people are looking at me like I amn the world's most idiotic

mother and have no control over my kids! It is a difficult line to walk.

Kelley

>

> I don't walk on eggshells anymore with my son, it's more of he wishes I did,

and that's why he's always angry.  NOTHING is ever his fault, everything is

someone else.  He pushed my cart in the store yesterday because I told him that

I wasn't getting him something, and I said, " Ok, you're definitely not getting

this today, because you almost made me knock over a whole shelf of food " and he

said " well it was your fault for yelling at me! " granted, yelling at him

requires me to speak above a whisper!

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: rushen janice <jrushen@...>

>

> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 5:21:21 PM

> Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

>

>  

> ,

>

> You are not alone...my son treats us terribly. ...both my husband and I.  If I

tell him to do something... he says he will...but never does.  So when I ask him

again...he screams at me. 

>

> As for homework...he wants nothing to do with it.  He will take an F.  He

doesn't care. I have to help with him with everything.. .

>

> His anger is horrible.... when he comes home from school I don't talk to him

for an hour ...I wait for him to talk to me.  I believe he has ODD too! He is

always angry especially with us.

>

> What to do ...I am not sure...nothing has really worked for us...I keep

telling my husband to do nothing for him.  One time I was so angry ....I wanted

to smash his Xbox but didn't. I would like to take it away. But, I get no

backing from my husband.  Plus he doesn't have many friends...

>

> But I hear you....I truly do.  And, when he was young...I did what your mother

is doing ...I spoiled him.  I stopped but we have a long ways to go.

>

> jan

>  

> <font face= " arial black " color= " #bf00bf " >Janice Rushen</font>

> <font face= " Arial Black " color= " #bf00bf " ></font> & nbsp;

> <em><font face= " Arial Black " color= " #7f007f " > " I will try to be open to all

avenues of wisdom and hope " </font></em>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: Chambers <missjen0124>

> Aspergers Treatment < >

> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PM

> Subject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

>

>  

> I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being

just completely HATEFUL to them.  I swear, I think my son really hates me when

he says he hates me.  He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd

with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts.  Something as

small as, " nicolas, please get down from there " if we're in the store, and he

climbs on the racks.  and he screams " you never let me do anything, because you

hate me " ...that is just one example of about a million.  And it happens all day

everyday.  " No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this

time " (he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different

privleges) he says " oh yes I will " and if I say no to that, he starts to push me

or hit me. 

>   Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like

this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've

been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants

from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because

he has a " disability " .  I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the

point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me,

because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset. 

>   I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me

like dirt.  I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me,

unless it's obey his every command.  I asked what he wanted to do for his george

washington project, and he said " nothing, you're going to do it for me " .  I

didn't even know what to say to that.  We used to be best friends, and no matter

how he acted at school, he was my little buddy.  Now, I don't even want to be

around him sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I

definitely need help!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Not typical in your experience . Perhaps we should say there is no typical Aspergers each child has their own ways. Not really our place to judge, but it can be helpful to share experiences so people know it not just happening to them. More of us seem to have had some experience of this type of thing, if you haven't lucky you.

Lor B

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 0:52

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@ sbcglobal. net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

I would kill to have my old son back...he never was like this until this school year, he used to love me.. now he just thinks I'm the worst thing in his life.

From: Lorraine son <lorrainedavidson12@...> Sent: Mon, October 19, 2009 8:44:32 AMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

Not typical in your experience . Perhaps we should say there is no typical Aspergers each child has their own ways. Not really our place to judge, but it can be helpful to share experiences so people know it not just happening to them. More of us seem to have had some experience of this type of thing, if you haven't lucky you.

Lor B

From: MacAllister <smacalli (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 0:52

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@ sbcglobal. net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Yep and I thought this was a support group. You come across really negative, and defensive sometimes. Your sons brain doesn't function the same as NT children, and although I am much against labels, doesn't that make it a mental condition? What do you class your son as?

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 3:19

My son has Aspergers, not a "mental condition," unless you consider a neurological problem a mental condition. But what I'm saying is, it's not typical to have a child w/ an Asperger's diagnosis to verbally berate those around him/her. I'm sure if you put other conditions with it like bi-polar (like you mentioned below), you might have a different situation, but I thought the question was if this was typical w/ Aspergers.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Debra Balke <dlbalkecharter (DOT) net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 8:33:23 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I would disagree. Not so much that it isn't typical of Aspergers, but it is typical of Aspergers Plus kinds of kids. So, Aspergers plus ODD or ADHD, or Bipolar, or plus whatever you want to call it. My kids were both similar, the younger much worse. Time outs don't work great for bipolar, psychosis, etc. So, we tried perfect limit setting, consequences, ABA, behavior mod, etc. to death, doing exactly what the behaviorists recommended, and the fact of the matter is, you just can't behavior mod some mental disorders away, no matter how much you try. So, after 11 years of my son, when my daughter came around with the same behaviors starting around age 9, we tried the behavior mod, consequences, etc. etc., but quickly realized it wasn't going to fix it and it needed meds. With my son we tried so hard at behavior modification. So, so, so, SO hard at it and it just didn't

work. Sure, you certainly CAN make the situation worse by giving into the behaviors and not setting limits but there are many mental conditions that you can't fix with good limit setting. Just my thoughts on the matter.

From: MacAllister

Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:52 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@ sbcglobal. net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

My son blames everything/ one else, if he trips we shouldn't have had our foot there etc. Last night we were playing, he slipped and banged his head on a hard part of the couch, of course that was my fault because I had moved, so he is off to school today with a slightly bruised eye, no doubt the social workers will be waiting for me to get home after my son has imparted his version of events to the class. lol

From: Chambers <missjen0124@...>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 12:41

I don't walk on eggshells anymore with my son, it's more of he wishes I did, and that's why he's always angry. NOTHING is ever his fault, everything is someone else. He pushed my cart in the store yesterday because I told him that I wasn't getting him something, and I said, "Ok, you're definitely not getting this today, because you almost made me knock over a whole shelf of food" and he said "well it was your fault for yelling at me!" granted, yelling at him requires me to speak above a whisper!

From: rushen janice <jrushen (DOT) com> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 5:21:21 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

,

You are not alone...my son treats us terribly. ...both my husband and I. If I tell him to do something... he says he will...but never does. So when I ask him again...he screams at me.

As for homework...he wants nothing to do with it. He will take an F. He doesn't care. I have to help with him with everything.. .

His anger is horrible.... when he comes home from school I don't talk to him for an hour ...I wait for him to talk to me. I believe he has ODD too! He is always angry especially with us.

What to do ...I am not sure...nothing has really worked for us...I keep telling my husband to do nothing for him. One time I was so angry ....I wanted to smash his Xbox but didn't. I would like to take it away. But, I get no backing from my husband. Plus he doesn't have many friends...

But I hear you....I truly do. And, when he was young...I did what your mother is doing ...I spoiled him. I stopped but we have a long ways to go.

jan

<font face="arial black" color="#bf00bf">Janice Rushen</font>

<font face="Arial Black" color="#bf00bf"></font> & nbsp;

<em><font face="Arial Black" color="#7f007f">"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"</font></em>

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

Your email made me chuckle...... Too funny.

( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

My son is only six, but things do seem to be getting harder as he gets older, he hates school with a passion, I think he puts himself under so much pressure to conform during the day when he gets home he lets off steam. I think we are the closest thing to them and they kick off at us because we are the ones that won't leave, won't give up on them, won't stop being their Mum because they have shouted/hit. Whether they know that or not is another mistery.

We do a lot of excercising, swimming, bowling, park, gym. He seems to be more easily frustraited on days when hasn't done something energetic.

From: MacAllister <smacalli (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 0:52

Not typical.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Jen Marks <barefootmamma@ sbcglobal. net> Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 4:58:03 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I wish I had some solutions for you. Mine can do this too. We go through phases when it is more prevalent. He does scream at me that he hates me and throws in that he wishes I would die, or leave, and sometimes that he will kill me or kill himself. So I don't know if it's typical or not, but I do have those experiences as well.

Jen

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

We need to laugh, its the easiest way to get through.

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Monday, 19 October, 2009, 12:41

I don't walk on eggshells anymore with my son, it's more of he wishes I did, and that's why he's always angry. NOTHING is ever his fault, everything is someone else. He pushed my cart in the store yesterday because I told him that I wasn't getting him something, and I said, "Ok, you're definitely not getting this today, because you almost made me knock over a whole shelf of food" and he said "well it was your fault for yelling at me!" granted, yelling at him requires me to speak above a whisper!

From: rushen janice <jrushen (DOT) com> Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 5:21:21 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

,

You are not alone...my son treats us terribly. ...both my husband and I. If I tell him to do something... he says he will...but never does. So when I ask him again...he screams at me.

As for homework...he wants nothing to do with it. He will take an F. He doesn't care. I have to help with him with everything.. .

His anger is horrible.... when he comes home from school I don't talk to him for an hour ...I wait for him to talk to me. I believe he has ODD too! He is always angry especially with us.

What to do ...I am not sure...nothing has really worked for us...I keep telling my husband to do nothing for him. One time I was so angry ....I wanted to smash his Xbox but didn't. I would like to take it away. But, I get no backing from my husband. Plus he doesn't have many friends...

But I hear you....I truly do. And, when he was young...I did what your mother is doing ...I spoiled him. I stopped but we have a long ways to go.

jan

<font face="arial black" color="#bf00bf">Janice Rushen</font>

<font face="Arial Black" color="#bf00bf"></font> & nbsp;

<em><font face="Arial Black" color="#7f007f">"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"</font></em>

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was diagnosed with ODD a year ago, before he was dx'd with ASD, but ODD doesn't even come close to how I feel he acts. Something as small as, "nicolas, please get down from there" if we're in the store, and he climbs on the racks. and he screams "you never let me do anything, because you hate me"...that is just one example of about a million. And it happens all day everyday. "No, you can't have a toy, you haven't earned the points for one this time"(he earns points throughout the day, and so many points equal different privleges) he says "oh yes I will" and if I say no to that, he starts to push me or hit me.

Is my child displaying typical behaviors of an Aspie? He only became like this recently (like the last month) and it has escalated even more since I've been staying with my mom (temporarily) , because he gets EVERYTHING he wants from her, because she thinks that everything he does should be excused because he has a "disability" . I'm pretty patient with my son, but it gets to the point where he talks down to me so much, I just ignore him while he bashes me, because if I speak to him, I'll get even more upset.

I love my son so much, and fight for him daily, while I watch him treat me like dirt. I feel like there's nothing I can do to make him happy with me, unless it's obey his every command. I asked what he wanted to do for his george washington project, and he said "nothing, you're going to do it for me". I didn't even know what to say to that. We used to be best friends, and no matter how he acted at school, he was my little buddy. Now, I don't even want to be around him sometimes. I hope I'm not the only one who is going through this.. I definitely need help!

[Guest guest]

You must be saints. Do they have any contact with there father?

Had to google encopresis,lol, my son does this too, but it seems to be down to a diet that mainly constists of pasta, we overcame it by giving him syrup of figs every day.

Other people are just that, they haven't had to live your life, it can be hard, we all have our own ways of coping with other people staring and commenting on our "badly" behaved children. I just ignore them, why should I spend any of my precious time explaining why my child is behaving that way, while their child is busy polishing their halo!

Hang in there guys, you must be phenominal people to have stepped up to the plate for the girls when you were needed.

Lor B

From: Stan and Ritchie <gritchie_1999@...>Subject: Re: ( ) How do ya'll deal....? Date: Sunday, 18 October, 2009, 20:32

Good afternoon,

This is my first post. Below sounds just like out home. We are raising three granddaughters 9, 8 & 7)

They were removed from a troubled and violent home in 2002 and came to live with us full-time in early 2003.

Middle one is ADHD, youngest suffers from encopresis as a result of trauma and abuse from mother and the oldest is showing traits of aspergers (Have called for help and testing) We called for help because the abuse from them all, especially the oldest is getting out of control. We are truly afraid that we may not be able to help them at some point.

As long as we go along with what they want, everything is fine. Any use of no or refusing them something, no matter how trivial, starts the tirade against us. And of course, they tell us that living with their Dad (our son) would be so much better and he would let them do whatever or have whatever they want. (Not true and he never tried to get custody of them.)

We try to remember not to take it personally but it gets tough after a while, especially in front of other people.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. We're there too! Finding others that get all this is really important for all of us.

Take care,

& Stan Ritchie

From: Chambers <missjen0124>Aspergers Treatment < >Sent: Sun, October 18, 2009 3:06:42 PMSubject: ( ) How do ya'll deal....?

I was just wondering how many parents have the problem of their children being just completely HATEFUL to them. I swear, I think my son really hates me when he says he hates me. He was