Re: Re: Navigating the New Friendship Phase *Need Advice*

[Guest guest]

1. I would tell the parents. If you're on "chatting" terms, I'd just bring it up as a need for your son and for them to know. Then, you can explain that security is why he needs to be home for playtimes. That your'e working on it. Maybe she'll have you BOTH over,,,,,,to get him more okay with their house.

3. I think all kids learn with time how to be a friend and how to handle situations. Sadly, because of their lack of "social skills", they cling to usually one child. And it's really hard when that one kid isn't waiting at their beckon call. Ya just gotta keep explaining.

Heck - I'm still explaining and my son is 14.

4. This is heartbreaking. I remember that we always allowed Ian to play video games whenever he wanted. He was good that them....and it connected him to others when he was younger. If a kid came over (and there were a couple that came over a couple times a week - which was awesome - for many years). Anyway,,,,if they came over, we had snacks and would basically allow anything to let them enjoy themnselves!!! We wanted to cultivate the friendship sooo badly.

Kids would come over to get Ian's help on games, etc. Probably to eat....he he. Whatever.

Then.........we started to see that it was never reciprocated. It was crushing to us....not Ian.

I started to think, Heck,,,,,if you can't invite Ian, why the BLEEP should we accomodate YOU?

So....I stopped being SO accomodating.Mind you, I would have never stopped the visits.......they stopped as the kids aged.

But it was crushing to see that my wonderful kid was being used.

I've stuck to this thinking for many years now and pass this to my other kids - It's best to have no friends than friends who only want you for your stuff. Or because there's nothing better for them to do, so they come over. This happened for a couple years, too.

Ultimately, I'm glad that Ian doesn't notice. He notices, but doesn't care. He's said before that he wouldn't mind if people came over...but that he wouldn't like the idea of not having time on the computer or being able to read. Sigh.

Sorry for the book. Just keep loving him. Allow kids to come over. Even if you think they're coming for the toys, cause, yep, he's still getting interaction.

But.....be ready. Just in case.

And hugs to you. As he ages, things will get easier and harder. Right now, enjoy these moments!!!!!!! And I'd definitely talk to the mom.

Robin

"Normal is just

a cycle

on a washing machine....."

From: Debbie Goldberg <debbiegoldberg@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Navigating the New Friendship Phase *Need Advice* Date: Tuesday, January 25, 2011, 7:58 PM

I would not rush into telling the other parent. If she is the type of person who is nonjudgmental and open to differences, then it may be okay to tell. If you don't know her very well, then I don't think it is wise to tell her - yet. You can acknowledge some of your son's quirky behavior without labeling it with Asperger's. I was considering telling the parents of my son's classmates, but then one of them told me that her son used to be in a class with an autistic kid and of course, she pulled him right out of THAT class. I was speechless. I suppose people just think my son is an eccentric loner and I wish the world were different and I could tell everyone, but unfortunately, it's not that way.I agree with about not worrying about whether your son is being used. The more practice socializing, the better. Today, my son had a one-sentence conversation with another kid at lunch and my husband and I jumped for joy.I also have to

prompt my son (8 years old) to say the proper thing to another kid. I suggested we practice role-playing but he refused. I have come to realize that on playdates, which are rare occurrences, I have to somehow steer the boat and remain involved.>> 1. It's really up to you, because you can get a great response or a negative response.I think along with 2. it might make some situations a little better for them to understand. > 3. Welcome to parenting an Aspie. lol. I suggest ABA therapy. They helped Madeline out along with social skills groups we found thru our hospital. Madeline loves schedules and knowing what's going to happen next helps her and oh heavens. We moved to Colorado

Springs last June after living in Hawaii for 6 almost 7 yrs. After our first snowfall Maddie was in HEAVEN..she would sled every single day and as the snow began to melt and we had to have the talk with her about it's not snow any more it's just mud. lol. It frustrated her.> 4. He might be using him, but in a way you could use him for more social interactions..it's a win-win situation. lol> 5. It's a hard situation to know what to do when it comes to socializing with an Aspie. Maddie is 12 and we still haven't gotten it down pat. I will open the window right next to the computer desk while I play on the computer to listen to the conversations with the next door neighbor because I get nervous that they are making fun of her or something else. > > > > Mom to my 4 girls> Madeline, Cayla, Arabella, & Vincenza> "You are the TRIP I did not take> You are the PEARLS I cannot buy>

You are the blue Italian LAKE> YOU are my piece of foreign SKY"> ---Anne ----> > > > ( ) Navigating the New Friendship Phase *Need Advice*> > > > > > Hi all- I am new to this group but love the support here. My 6yr old Aspie is a wonderful boy. He is full of fun and facts and is (like most ASpie's I am sure) quite intelligent. > He is in K in the LDL or Special Ed class. There are 12 kids in the class. He is one of the kids taht excels in all he does and the teachers love him. There are few

in the class that have many issues and functioning socially is very limited. Therefore- he has not really connected with too many of the kids. He tends to find one kid to latch onto and then follows that kid all around and does everything that kid does. This year he has sort of latched on to a kid that is very limited in his social abilities. My son was just dx in July of 2010 so we are still trying to figure things out & get all the help we need. I need to get more support for me, him & the rest of our family. > > Anyway- here's where I need some help:> > My son takes the bus to & from school each day. He has made friends slowly with a boy who lives across the street from us. This boy is about a yr & half older. He is in 2nd grade & my son is in K but we held him back. The boy across the street is very sweet. They have had a few play dates here in our backyard. We have a really big backyard that has an

excellent hill on one side for sledding. So, they have gone sledding in the backyard a few times and had a great time together. > And here are my concerns:> > 1. Do I tell the other parent (my neighbor) that he has AS? They may already know- I am not sure though. We never told them, but others may have.> > 2. Do I tell them just to protect him and explain things a little bit? For ex- my son will not go over to anyone else house to play. > > 3. My son does not understand the basic nuances of having a friend and we have realized we need to work on our social stories with him. Since he played with this kid twice now after school, he thinks he will play with him every day after school. He waits for him by the door and makes me call over to see if he is coming over. One day I called and he had gone over to another friends house and so my son was devastated. > > 4. I worry that this boy is just

using my son for his cool backyard sledding. > > 5. Along with # 3 above- we are working with him to understand some basic friendship rules. For ex- if his new friend comes over he ignores him. He doesn't know to ask him to play something. he'll just get on the SmartCycle and expect the other kid to watch and want to play with that too. I have to whisper things to him like "Ask him what he wants to play?" and tell him exactly what to say to a friend when it is time for them to go home. > > whew! This is tougher to navigate than I thought! > > Any ideas of greatly appreciated. Like I said- I really need to get some support in place for us. I am just all over the place. > > >