Re: Re: hard to get along with

[Guest guest]

Pamela,

Keep on going it looks like you've already come a long way. Tryptophan in item six at the link below mentions that it helps with panic attacks and OCD. This is just one article I read so I don't know how true it is. But non of these things I think would hurt and they might just help take the edge off a little more. You may even want to discuss with the doc if tryptophan could be used in conjuction with the zoloft.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Vitamins-For-Panic-Attack & id=4112709

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>Subject: ( ) Re: hard to get along with Date: Monday, November 1, 2010, 6:49 PM

My daughter was not ready for insight until she turned 13. For the last few years I used mostly a behavior plan. You take a shower you get 30 min of TV. You go to schoolyou get 2 hours of computer. At her special needs school(it took me from kindergarten thru 5th to advocate to get herin one) they too use incentives, finish math you get toread about fish, get organized at the end of the day youget to go to the science room. On stressful days shewill hit me and pull my hair on the way home. Only now that she is approaching 13 can I start to talkabout her feelings (not mind). I can say I see thatyou get mad at me when something happens at schoolthat is not a way to solve that problem, I want youto talk about it at school not take it out on me.I see some glimmer of hope that this is making a littleimpact. My daughter is also on zoloft and this too helped somewhat to reduce some

of her view of life that she has to control me and everything to feel safe. This is my first year of having some peace during the day and I can cope better nowthat I can rest during the day and feel like a normalperson.Over the years I relied on therapist to help me copeand validate how difficult the situation is.If you have insurance and can get her into group therapyor 1:1 with someone that knows Aspergers kidsit will help you get some help.A behaviorist certified in ABA can also help.Some AS kids are helped by medication, especially since you mentionedOCD, my daughter's OCD and panic was greatly helped by zoloft. I hope you get some support it is very hard to live with sucha difficult situation all alone. The more support I have gotten then more I feel compassiontoward my daughter. It helps me keep my emotions in check. When she acts out I don't think

have I failed herI think who is going to help me manage this problem andhow do I say emotionally healthy after being degraded. Pam >> I have an 11 yod with aspergers and ocd. We have always homeschooled. It has been a very rough 2 1/2 years or so. We only get the basics done and hardly ever get to history or science. She is so hard to get along with and argues about everthing. I am realizing more and more how she just doesn't understand other peoples feelings. But it is so hard to deal with. Today while trying to do another day of school, she is not cooperating again and I am crying and asking her does she really not understand how frustrated and upset I am. She says

no, now what do we do next? It just doesn't effect her much at all. I feel so guilty for not getting to do the fun things in school like I did with her 19 year old sister. I miss that so much having that time with her. I don't even plan anything like that anymore b/c she never wants to do it. She wants to get school finished and then go play on her own. She does like to play games at times. I am so frustrated and upset, everyday I hope is better and it is always the same thing different day.>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Pam. My 13 yr old is just now able to somewhat understand that others have feelings too. Often I explain to him, when you said that I didn't appreciate it because you were disrespectful or when you said that it hurt my feelings. He will say, Oh, I didn't know that. Sorry. It's like a revalation to him. And each situation is unique. He never seems to be able to apply it across the board.

It is a slow and often frustrating and painful process, but they do eventually start being able to see that others have feelings too. You just have to keep telling them over and over. ne

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>Subject: ( ) Re: hard to get along with Date: Monday, November 1, 2010, 6:49 PM

My daughter was not ready for insight until she turned 13. For the last few years I used mostly a behavior plan. You take a shower you get 30 min of TV. You go to schoolyou get 2 hours of computer. At her special needs school(it took me from kindergarten thru 5th to advocate to get herin one) they too use incentives, finish math you get toread about fish, get organized at the end of the day youget to go to the science room. On stressful days shewill hit me and pull my hair on the way home. Only now that she is approaching 13 can I start to talkabout her feelings (not mind). I can say I see thatyou get mad at me when something happens at schoolthat is not a way to solve that problem, I want youto talk about it at school not take it out on me.I see some glimmer of hope that this is making a littleimpact. My daughter is also on zoloft and this too helped somewhat to reduce some

of her view of life that she has to control me and everything to feel safe. This is my first year of having some peace during the day and I can cope better nowthat I can rest during the day and feel like a normalperson.Over the years I relied on therapist to help me copeand validate how difficult the situation is.If you have insurance and can get her into group therapyor 1:1 with someone that knows Aspergers kidsit will help you get some help.A behaviorist certified in ABA can also help.Some AS kids are helped by medication, especially since you mentionedOCD, my daughter's OCD and panic was greatly helped by zoloft. I hope you get some support it is very hard to live with sucha difficult situation all alone. The more support I have gotten then more I feel compassiontoward my daughter. It helps me keep my emotions in check. When she acts out I don't think

have I failed herI think who is going to help me manage this problem andhow do I say emotionally healthy after being degraded. Pam >> I have an 11 yod with aspergers and ocd. We have always homeschooled. It has been a very rough 2 1/2 years or so. We only get the basics done and hardly ever get to history or science. She is so hard to get along with and argues about everthing. I am realizing more and more how she just doesn't understand other peoples feelings. But it is so hard to deal with. Today while trying to do another day of school, she is not cooperating again and I am crying and asking her does she really not understand how frustrated and upset I am. She says

no, now what do we do next? It just doesn't effect her much at all. I feel so guilty for not getting to do the fun things in school like I did with her 19 year old sister. I miss that so much having that time with her. I don't even plan anything like that anymore b/c she never wants to do it. She wants to get school finished and then go play on her own. She does like to play games at times. I am so frustrated and upset, everyday I hope is better and it is always the same thing different day.>

[Guest guest]

Pamela,

I was just infact trying to explain this to my mom and sister this weekend. There is a fine line of knowing when to push forward and when to let them have some recoup time. My sone has a much lower anxiety threshold versus typical NT kids. In fact I think this might be one of the more defining differences between ASPIES and NT kids. Its not that their reactions are unreasonable or insane. Its very reasonable given what they really are feeling which for ASPIE kids is a lot of overwhelming emotions under circumstances which for most of us might barely move the needle on the speedometer.

As a side note I've always somewhat related to Spock from Star Trek. And I've always taken offense (just a little bit) at the idea that girls are more emotional. I think for most of us guys we are very emotional. Its just that when we get emotional we lose control of our senses and communication abilities. Hence men learn to surpress emotions in order to maintain control. I think with ASPIES its just much much harder to do because they are so overwhelmed with anxiety. Hence later on when older they can appear to be cold and calculated. When I was a boy (4 -7) I remember how quickly frustration could turn to anger, then loss of communication, then physical expression only.

Even now when my wife and I argue I notice how she can continue to debate and even when her logic is sooooo off base I will be unable to speak because the unreasonableness (from my point of view mind you) of it all brings up an anger in me and since I can't speak I bang my fist on something, etc.....

So I think in a lot of ways our ASPIES aren't too terribly different. Its just they have a much much lower threshold of emotional control.

So back to the point. I agree their is a fine line and sometimes it is better to back off, lower expecations (more for the parent so we can maintain a healthy perspective), but continue demand our expectations in very subtle ways.

later,

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>Subject: ( ) Re: hard to get along with Date: Monday, November 8, 2010, 6:43 PM

I totally agree that behavior plans do have theirlimits. I notice too when my daughter is emotionally upset that nothing works but soothing her, reducing expectations for awhile, validating her concerns and then moving ahead again when she feels more stable. This is so hard to explain to experts I think.It is not like a mood disorder where the mood needs to be stabilized it is a state of being overwhelmed emotionally andonce the health is restored or problems addressed things get better. Even too much boredom can upset things. Pam > >> > > > Have you used a task board at all?? I have introduced one and> > my 10yo LOVES ticking things off. She doesn't care what is on the> > list but I put some 'givens' on it like eat lunch(things she always> > does). You might try breaking it up and having 4-5 boards for the day> > with a reward at the end of each board...> > I can't

imagine home schooling my little one!!!> > Well done.> >>