Re: How Should I Feel About This?????

[Guest guest]

My husband is Aspergers and My mom had a boyfriend (Dick is his real name) with 3 others kids when I was 9. I hated when Dick would disapline me. even using a firm voice sent me spinning. who was he? he was an outsider taking my mom's time away from me and making her cry sometimes. She never told him not to she wanted him to. she thought I needed a dad to put me in my place. I will never do that to my children and to be real honest from the years of verbal abuse I went through I would NEVER allow another man around my child except her real dad. We are married now but if something happened I would be single and that is ok too. You do not have to have a man and be a great parent. You can be a great single mom. If you don't put a lot of pressure on dating maybe some one nice will come in your life

who compliments it and doesn't complicate it. this relationship sounds like it needs a break. By the way you should put your son to a higher standard I do that with my autistic daughter too. I try to be firm but I will break the rules because she needs some extra love. You will know what to do. You probably already do. From: GINA K <gina9431@...>Subject: ( ) How Should I Feel About This????? Date: Sunday, April 11, 2010, 7:45 PM

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on.......... .I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out

(I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he

was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.

Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired....... ......... ......... ......... .

I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....." don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that........ ......... ...

Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months...... I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

Hi:

I know it seems daunting to be single with kids on the spectrum. As a parent

with AS and with children who have also been diagnosed, I can tell you though

that it is possible to find the right one for you and your family. I don't know

about letting your boyfriend yell at your child. Disciplining in a quiet

constructive way, I feel, would accomplish more than yelling and probably leave

everyone happier all round. Your boyfriend's child isn't perfect. He just

appears that way. It will get better.

--

chésa

---- GINA K <gina9431@...> wrote:

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have

taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It

started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started

out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I

was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so

sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his

AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the

next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different,

and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We

were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a

big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were

both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly.

Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son. Mind you, my

son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when

he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my

son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be

upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm

jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet

and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even

when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire

weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't

feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on

my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment

once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my

son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find

myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who

is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to

notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus

headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I

get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his

son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.

Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him

to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even

try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay

that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child).

Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I

didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity

party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

------------------------------

Sent using Verizon.net Mobile

Re: ( ) How Should I Feel About This?????

Hi:I know it seems daunting to be single with kids on the spectrum. As

a parent with AS and with children who have also been diagnosed, I can tell you

though that it is possible to find the right one for you and your family. I

don't know about letting your boyfriend yell at your child. Disciplining in a

quiet constructive way, I feel, would accomplish more than yelling and probably

leave everyone happier all round. Your boyfriend's child isn't perfect. He

just appears that way. It will get better.--chésa---- GINA K

<gina9431@...> wrote: So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.

This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have

been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for

that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at

some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and

rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I

told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting

it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation

with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he

even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause

everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a

safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is

getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big

thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my

son).However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to

feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided

to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son.

They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son.

Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes

feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it

is I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He

is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the

entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I

don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is

wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend

did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it

comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to

feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor.

After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've

also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get

sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are

stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my

boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm

not.Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want

him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................I

spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even

try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................Seems to me

when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that

way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some

days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't

chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for

us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

Hugs to you.

Ok, sometimes just venting and reassurance can help so keep in mind

that is probably all I am offering b/c I am not a single mom. However

there are many things that I see that happen even in married couples.

I will try to remember all I meant to say. 1st, it is probably quite

natural to feel that way, hold him to a higher standard b/c you aren't

just dating him. Every person you date is a potential stepfather to

your son, that is a very important role, so its also like he is

interviewing for that job and naturally you want the perfect

candidate. However you have to remember your needs too, is this

someone you are compatible with, someone you love? If the answers are

yes then is this someone that will harm your child? Is he someone who

knows it will take effort and is committed to doing that? If he is

than he already loves your son.

favoritism happens even when its your own child. You try your hardest

not to but in the heat of the moment you frequently pick someone to be

at fault. Just as often as even I myself blame my hfa dd for x y or z

b/c she is the one causing the problems I also am known to blame the

older child just b/c they are instigating it even when they naturally

want their turn and are just acting their age but in your head you

feel like, " I know x y and z can push beccas buttons and you are older

and lived with her to so you know too so why would you do that " type

thoughts and feelings so get on them. And of course that is in no way

fair to the nt child either and just adds to all the things they have

to go through b/c they have a sn sibling.

The way we react to something is part reflex so in order to change

that you have to force yourself to stop and resist the instinct so you

have time to chose a new reaction. You have been able to do that

through knowledge of all his issues but also through on the job

training. No matter how much you tell him he won't have as much

knowledge as you do, even if he could on autism he still wouldn't know

every little quirk of your son like you do plus he has to retrain his

reactions and hasn't had the on the job training you have.

It is natural to feel badly when you miss out on things and can't do

that picture perfect family event. But again, this isn't just you,

this happens in a family too. As much as I wish we could just do

family things we have had to come to terms with the fact that one of

us may miss out as we deal with rebecca or in extreme cases even have

to stay behind with her. The difference is that in a family mom and

dad can take turns doing this so mom isn't always the one missing out

and mom can spend time with the other kids. Are you confident enough

in him and is he in himself to be able to do some handling of your on

while you get to do some of the enjoyment with his? Just as he needs

to be there for your son you need to be there and form a relationship

with his. And sometimes the change in the handler even can be

distraction or a change enough to turn things around even(of course

the change can cause problems too but this will probably be a case by

case basis).

Mommy bear instinct is going to kick in when someone else is

reprimanding your son, even moreso when it isn't as gentle as you

would like to be in the ideal. I even get upset at my own husband/her

father for this when in reality I have lost my patience more than a

few times. Yet I really feel like if he would read up more and become

more knowledgable on the issues that he would naturally react better

and since he hasn't I still get upset. Of course I am open with him

on this and the #1 thing for a good relationship (and we only

celebrated our 17 yrs so this is not coming from a 50 year happily

married woman so take it lightly) is open communication even if you

are wary of the reaction if you always remember to talk in an

unaccusatory fashion and avoid defensiveness, a seemingly bad feeling

on eithers behalf can always be talked through.

My husband grew up in a household that wasn't gentle parented. He

wasn't abused or anything and is close to his mom but it still wasn't

gentle parented. So even though he has always agreed with my choice I

think the yelling and desire for immediate blind obediance is sort of

ingrained b/c that is what he was always exposed to. So he has had to

work very hard to get past that. So we went through years of his

short temper and yelling with me being upset about how he handled

things and therefore upset with him. We went through years of

conversations that took hour to go over this and try and resolve it

only for it to recur and each recurrance frustrated me more b/c we

just kept going over the same thing over and over. However I had an

advantage in the situation of dealing with a sn child. I grew up with

a gentle parenting household and a very patient mother so that was

what I was exposed to and was natural to me. So I could never

understand how hard it was to change for him. And he didn't even ever

recognize that a4 the issue so I had to discover that on my own which

made me realise it was almost like his own disability. Just as hers

is not her fault and I had to learn not to blame her for the things

she had a hard time controlling but instead help her overcome that I

had to do the same for him. Your issue may not be as bad but he still

has the disability that he is being thrown into the middle of this,

not gradually growing and learning with it so he needs help to

overcome that disadvantage.

On 4/12/10, Christiansen <cathychristiansen84@...> wrote:

> My husband is Aspergers and My mom had a boyfriend (Dick is his real name)

> with 3 others kids when I was 9.  I hated when Dick would disapline me.

> even using a firm voice sent me spinning.  who was he?  he was an outsider

> taking my mom's time away from me and making her cry sometimes.  She never

> told him not to she wanted him to.  she thought I needed a dad to put me in

> my place.  I will never do that to my children and to be real honest from

> the years of verbal abuse I went through I would NEVER allow another man

> around my child except her real dad.  We are married now but if something

> happened I would be single and that is ok too.  You do not have to have a

> man and be a great parent.  You can be a great single mom.  If you don't put

> a lot of pressure on dating maybe some one nice will come in your life who

> compliments it and doesn't complicate it.  this relationship sounds like it

> needs a break.  By the way you should put your son to a

> higher standard I do that with my autistic daughter too.  I try to be firm

> but I will break the rules because she needs some extra love.  You will know

> what to do.  You probably already do.

>

>

>

>

> From: GINA K <gina9431@...>

> Subject: ( ) How Should I Feel About This?????

>

> Date: Sunday, April 11, 2010, 7:45 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd

> trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful

> (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter,

> it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point.

> It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He

> started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him

> that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it.

> Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation

> with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So,

> he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause

> everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a

> safe place for him, and so on.......... .I'm really thinking at this point

> he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I

> believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is

> going to be with my son).

>

>

>

> However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel.

> We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to

> make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son.

> They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it

> very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my

> son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I

> sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he

> has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If

> his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset.

> I think part of it is I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is

> the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to

> argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my

> child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he

> was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone

> sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my

> nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment

> once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes

> to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to

> feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the

> favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation

> 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches.

> I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm

> thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my

> son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable

> around them, but I'm not.

>

>

>

> Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want

> him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that

> is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be

> able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us

> when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind

> with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired.......

> ......... ......... ......... .

>

>

>

> I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

> even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

> Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All

> the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best

> vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean

> every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter,

> etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive

> home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that........

> ......... ...

>

>

>

> Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to

> stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only

> child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9

> months...... I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want

> to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

> !!!!!!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

--

Sent from my mobile device

-mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

and

Girl Scout cookies are coming!

[Guest guest]

IMHO, men, in general, are pretty selfish and don't go seeking tough

relationships. If this guy has stayed with you for nearly 2 years and has been

on, now, 3 vacations with you and your son, he must really love you and your

son. Otherwise he'd have jumped ship by now and gone for an easy relationship.

It seems like your stress comes from your fears of whether he can cope with your

son being himself, all day, all night, as opposed to stress from what's actually

happening. And that fear is understandable. But not necessary. It's you

putting pressure on yourself. And your b.f. may be feeling (this is me putting

words in his mouth, here) " why does she worry? doesn't she know by now that I'm

okay with all this? "

Enjoy your holiday, give yourself a break, trust your boyfriend to roll with the

oddities of the days as he has for nearly 2 years, already.

And as for the disciplining issue... imagine that you were married to him for

these past 15 years and both the children were both of yours and the very same

scenario occurred. Would you be upset if he disciplined your son, in that

scenario?

I've been in relationships where I, as girlfriend, was not entitled to

discipline my boyfriend's child. This made me feel not part of the family, and

it frustrated me that I couldn't help my partner by sharing some of the burden

of discipline. And frankly, no one benefitted -- the child didn't respect me,

the father didn't trust me, I was very much an outsider and felt it.

Allowing him to discipline your son (and in turn, you get to discipline his) is

a way of sharing, and conveying trust in each other.

Like I said. Try to relax. Try to enjoy the vacation. If you get left behind

bcs your son won't go, create something else fun -- even if that's letting him

watch his favorite movie while you take a lovely bubble bath! It's all good.

Just my two cents worth.

>

> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point.

[Guest guest]

I don't feel I'm " doomed " because I CHOOSE to stay single. I have a child with

classic autism and another with asperger's. I prefer to stay single as I am

just too darn busy to make time for a boyfriend.

I'm not lonely nor am I sad staying single - I prefer it, actually.

>

> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It

started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started

out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I

was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so

sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his

AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the

next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different,

and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

>

> However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel.

We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make

a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They

were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son.

Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes

feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it

is I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He

is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the

entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I

don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is

wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend

did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it

comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to

feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor.

After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've

also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get

sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are

stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my

boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm

not.

>

> Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him

to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

>

> I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

>

> Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay

that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child).

Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I

didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity

party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mom:

I think you are doing ok. I hope you have the help of your sibs, and or parents. My brother is having problems in his marriage and I think that half of the problem is his wife. My brother is of course part of the problem, because he is married to the woman, but this woman could be nicer. She is acting out, because her marriage is not the fairy tail marriage that she thought she would have. I just hope you can keep working at your present job and your support network stays intact.

T.

( ) Re: How Should I Feel About This?????

I don't feel I'm "doomed" because I CHOOSE to stay single. I have a child with classic autism and another with asperger's. I prefer to stay single as I am just too darn busy to make time for a boyfriend.I'm not lonely nor am I sad staying single - I prefer it, actually.>> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).> > However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.> > Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................> > I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....."don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................> > Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

[Guest guest]

I would certainly feel sad about it. It does sound like your boyfriend is

trying and is willing to try, so that's a good sign. Would it be possible to

get some help from a counselor/behavior specialist who can help you come up with

ways to cope? Choosing battles carefully could help.

Does the 11 year old know your 8 year old has a disability that causes him to

act this way. Your son probably doesn't have a lot of impulse control and may

not be able to tell how loud his voice is. Educating the people around your son

can be a big help. Knowing in advance how you want to handle things is

important too. Sometimes you have to make outtings shorter. On a vacation,

doing something fun that doesn't last long can be a family thing. Then at some

point you taking your son to a quiet place so he can recharge.

Plan elevator trips in advance or take the stairs if possible. Tell one child,

" You can press the button to get the elevator to come to us " then tell the other

child " You can press the button for the floor. I've done this with my kids

again and again. Even NOW at ages 10 and 13 they have this argument. Plan it

in advance. Have set rules. Make new rules when new things come up. Have your

son participate in the making of these rules. Ask him if a situation worked out

well or if it was bad. Then ask him if he can think of other ways of dealing

with it. We've done this with my son over and over and over again. He's

learned how to think this way on his own. He's 13. His schools have helped by

doing pretty much the same thing.

Often in a bad situation they need a longer time to recover than typical kids so

allow that. Then talk about what can be done. Involve your boyfriend and his

son as well. Write social stories. " When we go on vacation... " " If I get

upset I can... " There is a book on social stories by the author Carol Gray. I

haven't actually read it because once I heard what a social story was I was able

to write them in a way that worked well for my son so I didn't even look at the

book. I looked at websites and pre-made social stories then just based mine on

those. " When we take the elevator, I can push the button on the outside or the

one inside the elevator. I can't push both because I need to give

______________ a turn. When it isn't my turn I need to be calm. I don't have

to like not having a turn. I can tell my mom that I don't like it when it isn't

my turn. "

Make yourself an " outting backpack " . Fill it with things your son likes but

doesn't get to play with except when you're out and about and need him to

behave. Then in the social story you can say, " If it isn't my turn, I can

choose a small toy from my backpack to play with for a little while. " Carry

toys, squishy sensory items, crayons and coloring book, small plush toys,

snacks, gum if you let your child have it, travel games and anything you can

think of to help him wait for things. This will give him practice coping with

waiting and he'll have some control because he can choose things from the

backpack. Buy some toys for the backpack at the party store and surprise him

with them the next time they're needed. Get enough that you can rotate them so

he won't get bored. Action figures, toy cars. Go to the oriental trading

company website http://www.orientaltrading.com/ and look for toys and fidgets

there. They have great prices. For a kid party over the weekend I bought 25

mini inflatable beach balls for $9.99 from a party store. They had bought the

bag from oriental trading company for probably a bit less. The kids loved them

and I had enough for everyone. I have a bunch left over, actually. LOL.

My son went through a phase of taking his handheld games everywhere. He doesn't

do it as much now and sometimes will read a book to keep himself entertained.

He's 13 and has grown up a lot since he was 8.

Think in advance what kinds of challenges will happen and try as much as

possible to plan for them. Everyone will have more fun if you accomodate your

son's sensory needs and his anxiety. There were some things we just didn't do

at all for a long time because it was too upsetting for . Eventually, he

got much better at it. If you're at a restaurant having to wait, take your son

for a little walk until the food comes. Once he's done, take him for another

walk to let everyone finish. I hated doing this sometimes, but ultimately, it

helped us all have a much happier time together. Maybe at some point your

boyfriend can try his hand at taking your son for the walk during dinner. Maybe

he'd actually be good at it and it would give you each 1:1 time with the other

child in your lives.

Miriam

>

> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It

started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started

out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I

was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so

sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his

AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the

next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different,

and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

>

> However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel.

We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make

a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They

were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son.

Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes

feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it

is I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He

is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the

entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I

don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is

wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend

did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it

comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to

feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor.

After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've

also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get

sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are

stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my

boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm

not.

>

> Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him

to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

>

> I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

>

> Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay

that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child).

Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I

didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity

party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]



Dear :

If your Boy Friend is really wanting to support you, and show Love to you he should let you discipline your child. He needs to act like a guest. He will have to act like a guest, for a long time, with your Son you two ever get married. So you have a reason to separate with him now if He does not what to help you with your son by not making your son worse off.

T

Re: ( ) How Should I Feel About This????? Hi:I know it seems daunting to be single with kids on the spectrum. As a parent with AS and with children who have also been diagnosed, I can tell you though that it is possible to find the right one for you and your family. I don't know about letting your boyfriend yell at your child. Disciplining in a quiet constructive way, I feel, would accomplish more than yelling and probably leave everyone happier all round. Your boyfriend's child isn't perfect. He just appears that way. It will get better.--chésa---- GINA K <gina9431verizon (DOT) net> wrote: So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....."don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]



:

Maybe it was good that Your Ex left. It is not good that then there is the really big problem of income and parenting support, but if your Husband could not take the stress of the child then it is good he was out of the picture.

T

Re: ( ) How Should I Feel About This????? Hi:I know it seems daunting to be single with kids on the spectrum. As a parent with AS and with children who have also been diagnosed, I can tell you though that it is possible to find the right one for you and your family. I don't know about letting your boyfriend yell at your child. Disciplining in a quiet constructive way, I feel, would accomplish more than yelling and probably leave everyone happier all round. Your boyfriend's child isn't perfect. He just appears that way. It will get better.--chésa---- GINA K <gina9431verizon (DOT) net> wrote: So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....."don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

Miriam:

If the boyfriend is this in to the woman and accepting of the child, why not include the guy in the visits to the counselor. After all he is going to have to deal with the child eventually on a responsible level or the relationship with the two adults will fail.

( ) Re: How Should I Feel About This?????

I would certainly feel sad about it. It does sound like your boyfriend is trying and is willing to try, so that's a good sign. Would it be possible to get some help from a counselor/behavior specialist who can help you come up with ways to cope? Choosing battles carefully could help. Does the 11 year old know your 8 year old has a disability that causes him to act this way. Your son probably doesn't have a lot of impulse control and may not be able to tell how loud his voice is. Educating the people around your son can be a big help. Knowing in advance how you want to handle things is important too. Sometimes you have to make outtings shorter. On a vacation, doing something fun that doesn't last long can be a family thing. Then at some point you taking your son to a quiet place so he can recharge. Plan elevator trips in advance or take the stairs if possible. Tell one child, "You can press the button to get the elevator to come to us" then tell the other child "You can press the button for the floor. I've done this with my kids again and again. Even NOW at ages 10 and 13 they have this argument. Plan it in advance. Have set rules. Make new rules when new things come up. Have your son participate in the making of these rules. Ask him if a situation worked out well or if it was bad. Then ask him if he can think of other ways of dealing with it. We've done this with my son over and over and over again. He's learned how to think this way on his own. He's 13. His schools have helped by doing pretty much the same thing. Often in a bad situation they need a longer time to recover than typical kids so allow that. Then talk about what can be done. Involve your boyfriend and his son as well. Write social stories. "When we go on vacation..." "If I get upset I can..." There is a book on social stories by the author Carol Gray. I haven't actually read it because once I heard what a social story was I was able to write them in a way that worked well for my son so I didn't even look at the book. I looked at websites and pre-made social stories then just based mine on those. "When we take the elevator, I can push the button on the outside or the one inside the elevator. I can't push both because I need to give ______________ a turn. When it isn't my turn I need to be calm. I don't have to like not having a turn. I can tell my mom that I don't like it when it isn't my turn." Make yourself an "outting backpack". Fill it with things your son likes but doesn't get to play with except when you're out and about and need him to behave. Then in the social story you can say, "If it isn't my turn, I can choose a small toy from my backpack to play with for a little while." Carry toys, squishy sensory items, crayons and coloring book, small plush toys, snacks, gum if you let your child have it, travel games and anything you can think of to help him wait for things. This will give him practice coping with waiting and he'll have some control because he can choose things from the backpack. Buy some toys for the backpack at the party store and surprise him with them the next time they're needed. Get enough that you can rotate them so he won't get bored. Action figures, toy cars. Go to the oriental trading company website http://www.orientaltrading.com/ and look for toys and fidgets there. They have great prices. For a kid party over the weekend I bought 25 mini inflatable beach balls for $9.99 from a party store. They had bought the bag from oriental trading company for probably a bit less. The kids loved them and I had enough for everyone. I have a bunch left over, actually. LOL.My son went through a phase of taking his handheld games everywhere. He doesn't do it as much now and sometimes will read a book to keep himself entertained. He's 13 and has grown up a lot since he was 8.Think in advance what kinds of challenges will happen and try as much as possible to plan for them. Everyone will have more fun if you accomodate your son's sensory needs and his anxiety. There were some things we just didn't do at all for a long time because it was too upsetting for . Eventually, he got much better at it. If you're at a restaurant having to wait, take your son for a little walk until the food comes. Once he's done, take him for another walk to let everyone finish. I hated doing this sometimes, but ultimately, it helped us all have a much happier time together. Maybe at some point your boyfriend can try his hand at taking your son for the walk during dinner. Maybe he'd actually be good at it and it would give you each 1:1 time with the other child in your lives.Miriam>> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).> > However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.> > Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................> > I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....."don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................> > Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

If you've been with someone for two years and vacationing together, I think he

is past " guest " status. Sounds like most of the time he is good with him and

you, and traveling can be stressful even with " perfect " children. Give both of

yourselves a break and talk about it some other time when more relaxed. I can

personally relate as I am in a similar position. I have decided that I love and

can deal with my son better than anyone I know, and he still drives me nuts some

days. I am planning to take my AS son and NT dtr on a vacation by myself. When I

have traveled with my son and my boyfriend's son (who is not perfect, but less

noticeably different), I feel stressed out, too. I feel self-conscious about my

son's behavior at times and I think I worry about/stress out more when I am

worried about what somebody else thinks/feels about it. I will let you know if

my strategy of splitting up our blended family for a vacation with just my

little ones (my 16 yo wisely said " no thanks " lol) works. I have tried camping

with them on my own when they were very little (2 and 5) and I found it less

stressful because I didn't have to worry about " ruining " somebody else's

vacation. I could just enjoy my vacation and my kids and be flexible to change

the schedule/plans depending on how the kids were doing without upsetting

somebody else and their expectations for the trip. And if my kids were rotten,

nobody else needed to know, right? I hope things are getting better for you.

Honestly, just going to the store with all the kids can be a recipe for disaster

because they start acting like monkeys jacked up on Starbucks- traveling is even

worse. I am sure your boyfriend loves you and your son or he wouldn't still be

with you. It is hard to find someone compassionate and patient enough to deal

with children who aren't their own, especially when they have behavior issues,

etc. so don't write that check for Old Maid's Club membership yet.

Cheers,

Dorothy

[Guest guest]

My family lives far away ... so I don't have their help. I do it all on my own.

My youngest has a respite worker that helps out, plus I know all the resources

in the community as I work as a Special Education Advocate. I actually tried

the dating thing, but the guy tried to tell me how to parent (he had no

children) plus wanted more of my time then I was willing or able to give.

> >

> > So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started

out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out

great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was

sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure.

I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and

honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning

about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he

understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

> >

> > However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to

feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided

to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son.

They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son. Mind

you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel

mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is

I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is

quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire

weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't

feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on

my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment

once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my

son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find

myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who

is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to

notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches,

and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get

sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his

son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.

> >

> > Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want

him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

> >

> > I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

> >

> > Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to

stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only

child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9

months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to

have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, I totally agree with you there, . If the adults in the house are

all willing to consult with the counselors it can be a huge help. My husband is

very involved in this.

> >

> > So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started

out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out

great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was

sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure.

I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and

honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning

about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he

understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

> >

> > However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to

feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided

to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son.

They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son. Mind

you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel

mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is

I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is

quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire

weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't

feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on

my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment

once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my

son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find

myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who

is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to

notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches,

and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get

sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his

son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.

> >

> > Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want

him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

> >

> > I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

> >

> > Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to

stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only

child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9

months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to

have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It doesn't have to be this way.

If at all possible set up a behavior plan for your son and

have a therapist or behaviorist explain shaping and positive

reinforcement to you and your boyfriend this will relieve the

stress of your boyfriend getting frustrated etc.

Life will be so much better for your you won't second quess

what to do. I hope you can find someone if not we can help you with that.

Second, create a daily routine and stick to it even on vacation.

Both kids with anxiety and autism do best when life is predictable.

We always have 10-3 outting time on the weekends or on vacation

then at home or on vacation my daughter gets computer time

(even in hotels we make sure they have wifi) before dinner

then we transiton to dinner (often in the room if on vacation)

and the evening is for relaxing.

I make it sound easy it is not but life can be predictable.

You don't have to walk into situations that are so difficult.

Time with your boyfriends son needs to be reheaarsed more

and hopefully you can be matter of fact about it.

Life can be much better.

Pam

>

> So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we

have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It

started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started

out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I

was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so

sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his

AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the

next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different,

and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

>

> However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel.

We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make

a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They

were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very

loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son.

Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes

feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his

voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I

wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it

is I'm jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He

is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion,

even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the

entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I

don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is

wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend

did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it

comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to

feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor.

After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've

also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get

sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are

stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my

boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm

not.

>

> Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him

to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

>

> I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I

even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

>

> Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay

that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child).

Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I

didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity

party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mom:

It seems that you have it in hand. Good luck to you.

T

( ) Re: How Should I Feel About This?????

My family lives far away ... so I don't have their help. I do it all on my own. My youngest has a respite worker that helps out, plus I know all the resources in the community as I work as a Special Education Advocate. I actually tried the dating thing, but the guy tried to tell me how to parent (he had no children) plus wanted more of my time then I was willing or able to give. > >> > So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).> > > > However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.> > > > Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................> > > > I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....."don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................> > > > Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> >>