Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 How do you do it day after day with three special needs kids? I feel like crying often too and I have just one to cope with. All I can suggest is that if you work with a behaviorist they will say to praise the slightest positive. So you would say, I really like how everyone is talking and expressing themselves yet not resorting to name calling. It really helped me lift my mood a little too. But I needed the help of zoloft too. There is no way with my sensitive nature that I can keep up with the wear and tear of being challenged day in and out. Another technique to use with children is to validate them but teach them to be flexible. So you say I know you like to get things right, but it is time to stop. And he may say .. it has to be right ...and you say ..it feels like it has to be right but I know you can just stop and talk about something else. This really is difficult for some kids to see that he is both right and he can also change his behavior. Some ridgid kids have trouble with this kind of flexible thinking. So it is not going to work the first or 1000th time you do this ....but it is teaching a skill that both boys may not have. There is no evidence based treatment to make AS kids more flexible but this is a skill to develop and we have to start somewhere. Most behaviorist work with positive reinforcement and token systems, but our kids do need to learn to think differently too. It is so hard to do alone without school support or community support and that is why we want to cry I think. We can't do it alone, we need help. Pam > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > This is so frustrating. > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > Leah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Leah, Sorry to hear you had such a bad day. About being weepy all day, do you tak= e an antidepressant? I use to be that way until I talked to my dr and got p= ut on welbutrin. I does help a lot! Hope your day is better tomorrow! <<hugs>> ne > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > This is so frustrating. > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > Leah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2011 Report Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks to both of you. I neglected to mention that I, too, have bipolar. This make things tricky. I am on a cocktail of meds for mood stabilization including cymbalta for the depression side. My mood stabilizers (Lamictal and Abilify) were just increased about a month ago, and things were better for a bit, but now I'm in a downward trend again. We use a parenting model from the book " Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control " by Forbes and Post. They have each written numerous books since then and I've taken 's online parenting class. It is different than behavior modification. It works very well for our kids, working out our own " issues " first. Because if you don't deal with your stuff, your kids will bring it up in you and you'll be forced to deal with it then. Also, there is evidence that Behavior Management, although it can " work " can be fear based and our kids " obey " us out of fear, not from a place of wanting to be in a relationship with us. All that being said, and with this original topic of " arguing " I do not want to start an argument or even debate on parenting or whether behavior management or not is a good route for our kids. I just wanted to let you know where our family is coming from and offer any resources that may be out there. We also really like Positive Discipline by Jane . She has a website, too. I think it uses some of the same " meat " of Beyond Consequences and makes it more practical. It teaches our kids to " think for themselves, " like one of you mentioned in the part about teaching our kids to be flexible. So far, I'm ok today, but felt weepy already when I wrote an email to my mother this morning...so I guess I'll see how today goes. Thanks for being there for me. Leah > > > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > > > This is so frustrating. > > > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > > > Leah > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2011 Report Share Posted January 12, 2011 I agree...anxiety drugs help a lot! I have been on and off them for years and am currently trying to go without, but not sure how long I can go. I've been tryinh natural alternatives, but nothing is helping so far! My son would have totally argued that too! I feel like I continually say, " you know what I mean " or " don't correct adult " . He is so exact and literal about thing....it drives me crazy (in fact literally is one of his favorite words, lol). I am just fortunate he is an only child, so he has nobody else to argue with! However, I have a brother who is around a lot and will often get pulled into a debate with him. I often need to remind my brother that he is the adult, lol. Sorry things are so frustrating today....you are not alone! > > > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > > > This is so frustrating. > > > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > > > Leah > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2011 Report Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thank you for the parenting info! I am going to check those things out...sounds like things I can totally use! It sounds like you are working hard not only on your family but on yourself....be roud of youself for that!! It is always day by day For us, but I know I am not the best on focusing just on today! Take care! > > > > > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > > > > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > > > > > This is so frustrating. > > > > > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > > > > > Leah > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2011 Report Share Posted January 12, 2011 i had a weepy day on sunday i help raise my boyfriend son he 14 has as,ocd, anxieties and is a diabetic i have my struggles to i do love him but some days i wanna pull all my hair out. you have two kids wow you have tough job we all have our struggle im glad there a site like helps us and were not only ones out there its good to vent From: mommiestgirl02 <mommiestgirl02@...>Subject: ( ) arguing Date: Tuesday, January 11, 2011, 11:39 PM We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, "don't put your mouth on it." Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, "so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?'" Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. This is so frustrating. I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. Leah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 My ds (14 yo, AS) is like this as well. He corrects us all the time or over analyzes everything. I just keep working with him to explain that sometimes we pick the wrong word but that we know the person we are talking to is smart enough to get what we meant. etc. It's a process - discussing manners, courtesy and times when people fail to come up with the exact word - being human. And yes, sometimes I scream. lol. The other day my 22 yo (hfa, dyslexia) had not cleaned out his room because we were having some work done in there. I didn't think to check it until the last minute and then I was in a frenzy, trying to haul all his crap out quickly and cursing his name. lol. I asked him, "Why didn't you get your room cleared out? You knew the guy was coming to work on that today - it's been on the calendar for a month and I reminded you constantly!" and he replied, in all seriousness, "You didn't tell me to clear out my room." Yeah. guess I forgot to specifically say that because I felt it was implied. Especially the part where I kept saying, "All your stuff will need to be out of there." No, I didn't say, "You will need to move your stuff out of there." Stupid me! lol. My 22 yo is usually pretty good at dealing with literalness now but there are times like this when it comes back to smack me anyway. Roxanna "I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson ( ) arguing We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, "don't put your mouth on it." Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, "so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?'" Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. This is so frustrating. I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. Leah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Leah, you sure have your hands full and are entitled to a weepy day. I'm sending a big hug out to you. Your aspie son would really relate to Alice in Wonderland, the story of a young girl who can't make sense of the adult world with all of its rules and social etiquette. The Cheshire cat has a line, " Say what you mean and mean what you say. " I think that sums up the situation nicely. We do mean what we say but we don't always say what we mean. Which is why us parents are always saying, " You know what I mean " when we argue with our kids. The truth is, many times they don't. Your son is very literal. Being literal gives him some control over his world. It's reassuring to know that a fact is a fact and can't be changed. Now your son isn't thinking this at the time, but if a chin could be interpreted as a mouth, what else could be different? That changes the very foundation of everything he knows. This causes anxiety and hence, what we consider silly and escalating arguments. He's really arguing that you are changing the rules of what he knows to be true. Unfortunately life is full of exceptions and idioms and multiple meanings so it's easy to see why our kids have such a hard time. You have a lot on your plate but getting a book on idioms and multiple meanings for words might help him be less rigid about language in general. Dawn One Place for Special Needs P.S. My husband works with engineers, basically interpreting their schematics to the laymen. He says there are common heated arguments about terminology such as what can be called a caster or a roller. For some people it's just important to be exact. > > We have an Aspie son (12) and a son with Bipolar (10) and then a daughter (8) with Anxiety Disorder thrown in to the mix. > > AS son starts an argument out of EVERYTHING that comes out of his brother's mouth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to start an argument. Tonight it was this: DD (8) put her chin on top of the water pitcher, and I said, " don't put your mouth on it. " Son (AS) says, it is not your mouth. BP son is trying to defend my use of the term and AS son gets even more into it by saying, " so if I say 'my mouth,' I could really mean 'my foot?' " Obviously, AS son is trying to get us to use the correct terminology, but can't let it go, even after I have walked away from the table, annoyed that everyone is arguing, and BP son is obviously getting very escalated and even yelling. > > This is so frustrating. > > I'm having a bad day ~ just really weepy all day, and then the kids came home and things got worse. > > Leah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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