Opinions About AS Child and Stepparent Relationship

[Guest guest]

I have been dating my bf for almost 2 1/2 years. During this time he has been

careful not to parent my son but will occasionally chime in when my son is

giving me a hard time. My son loves my bf most of the time (you know how that

goes,lol) and often asks if bf is coming over or tells me we should get married.

However, I find myself constantly defensive when it comes to my boyfriend

commenting on my son. I think this started early on when my bf expressed that

he couldn't stand how my son disrespected me. I got really upset about thaty

and nearly beoke things off, until my brother told me he agreed and that I

needed to stop letting him be that way (my brother lives with me). Anyway, I

have always been super sensitive to what other people think. I feel like

everyone is looking @ my 9 year old ds as a brat who has a mother who doesn't

parent him. While I know I have to work harder than most parents...I know other

people do not see this. So....I guess I want to know what I should expect from

my bf. I often feel torn between my son amd my bf and I think I am the one

creating this. My bf has made every attempt to learn about AS and always

includes my son (although in my head, I figure he dreads dealing with him).

When bf makes comments about ds, I find myself defending for ds. Like last

night...ds threw up in bf's driveway for no reason...it was kind of weird cause

he was not feeling sick. I think it shocked ds, who responded with, " Mom...I

just thre up " . Bf said he tool it as, " Mom, I threw up...clean it up " . I took

it as ds was just really surprised and got defensive cause I feel bf thinks my

son must be a demanding brat if he took it that way. Am I jummping to

conclusions? Ds can be very blunt and very much has the monotone voice. I

know things do not always come out of his mouth well. Am I expecting too much

of bf to understand this? Bf has the easiest, sweetest, 12 year old, so I feel

like he has no clue what I go through. I often feel uncomfortable when ds and

bf are around as I worry what bf is thinking. Sometimes I think our differences

are just a matter of Mom vs Dad thinking, yet I don't know. I want him to love

my son unconditionally like I do, but is that too much to ask? I worry that

only a biological parent can love a child who has these type of behavioral

problems. Any input on this would be much appreciated. I know there are a

couple of stepparents posting on here. Thanks so much!

[Guest guest]

Well, I think you should really sit down and try to figure out how your

boyfriend feels. Because if he really does just think your kid is a brat, then

that would be a deal breaker for me. Now as for the step-parent thing, I am

re-married and I think my husband loves my two children from the previous

marriage whom both have issues by the way like he loves his own child, our

youngest. In fact, he is far more understanding with them than my ex ever was

and ever will be. Now granted we do have differing parenting styles and have

come into conflict at times. He tends to be more strict than I do. That is

something we have just learned to work through and compromise. So I guess that

is the big question, is your BF willing to compromise and are you when it comes

to parenting? And I do think the " dad thinking " might come into play here too.

I think my husband has a harder time recognizing the sources of behaviors when

it comes to sensory problems or the rudeness. Usually when I point it out or

remind him though, he seems to get it.

>

> I have been dating my bf for almost 2 1/2 years. During this time he has been

careful not to parent my son but will occasionally chime in when my son is

giving me a hard time. My son loves my bf most of the time (you know how that

goes,lol) and often asks if bf is coming over or tells me we should get married.

However, I find myself constantly defensive when it comes to my boyfriend

commenting on my son. I think this started early on when my bf expressed that

he couldn't stand how my son disrespected me. I got really upset about thaty

and nearly beoke things off, until my brother told me he agreed and that I

needed to stop letting him be that way (my brother lives with me). Anyway, I

have always been super sensitive to what other people think. I feel like

everyone is looking @ my 9 year old ds as a brat who has a mother who doesn't

parent him. While I know I have to work harder than most parents...I know other

people do not see this. So....I guess I want to know what I should expect from

my bf. I often feel torn between my son amd my bf and I think I am the one

creating this. My bf has made every attempt to learn about AS and always

includes my son (although in my head, I figure he dreads dealing with him).

When bf makes comments about ds, I find myself defending for ds. Like last

night...ds threw up in bf's driveway for no reason...it was kind of weird cause

he was not feeling sick. I think it shocked ds, who responded with, " Mom...I

just thre up " . Bf said he tool it as, " Mom, I threw up...clean it up " . I took

it as ds was just really surprised and got defensive cause I feel bf thinks my

son must be a demanding brat if he took it that way. Am I jummping to

conclusions? Ds can be very blunt and very much has the monotone voice. I

know things do not always come out of his mouth well. Am I expecting too much

of bf to understand this? Bf has the easiest, sweetest, 12 year old, so I feel

like he has no clue what I go through. I often feel uncomfortable when ds and

bf are around as I worry what bf is thinking. Sometimes I think our differences

are just a matter of Mom vs Dad thinking, yet I don't know. I want him to love

my son unconditionally like I do, but is that too much to ask? I worry that

only a biological parent can love a child who has these type of behavioral

problems. Any input on this would be much appreciated. I know there are a

couple of stepparents posting on here. Thanks so much!

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think only biological parents can understand and parent a child with AS. Your boyfriend sounds really great because he hangs in there and wants to learn. I think you might try not to be so defensive and think about what bf is saying. For instance, if your ds really is being disrespectful to you, then obviously, bf has a point. You can still agree with this being a problem and be able to say that dealing with it is harder or different than you would with an NT kid. You could even share how you feel about the problem and maybe he can help or provide an idea or insight.

Roxanna

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

( ) Opinions About AS Child and Stepparent Relationship

I have been dating my bf for almost 2 1/2 years. During this time he has been careful not to parent my son but will occasionally chime in when my son is giving me a hard time. My son loves my bf most of the time (you know how that goes,lol) and often asks if bf is coming over or tells me we should get married. However, I find myself constantly defensive when it comes to my boyfriend commenting on my son. I think this started early on when my bf expressed that he couldn't stand how my son disrespected me. I got really upset about thaty and nearly beoke things off, until my brother told me he agreed and that I needed to stop letting him be that way (my brother lives with me). Anyway, I have always been super sensitive to what other people think. I feel like everyone is looking @ my 9 year old ds as a brat who has a mother who doesn't parent him. While I know I have to work harder than most parents...I know other people do not see this. So....I guess I want to know what I should expect from my bf. I often feel torn between my son amd my bf and I think I am the one creating this. My bf has made every attempt to learn about AS and always includes my son (although in my head, I figure he dreads dealing with him). When bf makes comments about ds, I find myself defending for ds. Like last night...ds threw up in bf's driveway for no reason...it was kind of weird cause he was not feeling sick. I think it shocked ds, who responded with, "Mom...I just thre up". Bf said he tool it as, "Mom, I threw up...clean it up". I took it as ds was just really surprised and got defensive cause I feel bf thinks my son must be a demanding brat if he took it that way. Am I jummping to conclusions? Ds can be very blunt and very much has the monotone voice. I know things do not always come out of his mouth well. Am I expecting too much of bf to understand this? Bf has the easiest, sweetest, 12 year old, so I feel like he has no clue what I go through. I often feel uncomfortable when ds and bf are around as I worry what bf is thinking. Sometimes I think our differences are just a matter of Mom vs Dad thinking, yet I don't know. I want him to love my son unconditionally like I do, but is that too much to ask? I worry that only a biological parent can love a child who has these type of behavioral problems. Any input on this would be much appreciated. I know there are a couple of stepparents posting on here. Thanks so much!

[Guest guest]

My husband is the biological father of my AS son but he's is the step-father of my two older children. I can relate to what you are feeling on one hand and I commend your bf on the other. As the parent it is easy to get wrapped up into being worried about what your bf might be thinking about your son and if he feels it reflects on you. I think we all go through that in that we worry how others will judge us by our children's actions. That people will think we are terrible parents because our children's ASD behaviors. It might be more so for you with your bf because you have more feelings invested in that relationship. But you should give your bf some credit that he is wanting to learn about your son's dx and is interested. There are many "real" dad's out there that don't.

When I began dating my husband, my two older kids were 6 and 4 at the time. My son had ADD and my daughter ADHD. I too worried what he was thinking and if he would be able to love them like I did at first. But then I just had to let things progress naturally. I obviously would never let him say or do anything abusive, not that he tried, but I would do that even if he were their real father. Which is why I left their father. But I stopped myself from being paranoid because it would only make me read too much into things he did or said. Once I did that things moved along just fine. We didn't always see eye to eye in raising them, but what parents do? He is the best father I could have wished for them to have. They are now 23 and 21 and they love him unconditionaly, as he does them.

Now with our Aspie son we had together who is 13, we too have disagreements at times in how best to handle situations because I know much more about Aspergers than he does. But he is always willing to learn and listen and I sometimes need to stop trying to protect him. Either way, we work it out together. It's not easy, but parenting never is, especially with a child with Aspergers.

I wish you lots of luck and hope it all works out for you.

ne

From: Roxanna <MadIdeas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Opinions About AS Child and Stepparent Relationship Date: Sunday, December 26, 2010, 9:02 PM

I don't think only biological parents can understand and parent a child with AS. Your boyfriend sounds really great because he hangs in there and wants to learn. I think you might try not to be so defensive and think about what bf is saying. For instance, if your ds really is being disrespectful to you, then obviously, bf has a point. You can still agree with this being a problem and be able to say that dealing with it is harder or different than you would with an NT kid. You could even share how you feel about the problem and maybe he can help or provide an idea or insight.

Roxanna"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

( ) Opinions About AS Child and Stepparent Relationship

I have been dating my bf for almost 2 1/2 years. During this time he has been careful not to parent my son but will occasionally chime in when my son is giving me a hard time. My son loves my bf most of the time (you know how that goes,lol) and often asks if bf is coming over or tells me we should get married. However, I find myself constantly defensive when it comes to my boyfriend commenting on my son. I think this started early on when my bf expressed that he couldn't stand how my son disrespected me. I got really upset about thaty and nearly beoke things off, until my brother told me he agreed and that I needed to stop letting him be that way (my brother lives with me). Anyway, I have always been super sensitive to what other people think. I feel like everyone is looking @ my 9 year old ds as a brat who has a mother who doesn't parent him. While I know I have to work harder than most parents...I know other people do not see this. So....I guess I

want to know what I should expect from my bf. I often feel torn between my son amd my bf and I think I am the one creating this. My bf has made every attempt to learn about AS and always includes my son (although in my head, I figure he dreads dealing with him). When bf makes comments about ds, I find myself defending for ds. Like last night...ds threw up in bf's driveway for no reason...it was kind of weird cause he was not feeling sick. I think it shocked ds, who responded with, "Mom...I just thre up". Bf said he tool it as, "Mom, I threw up...clean it up". I took it as ds was just really surprised and got defensive cause I feel bf thinks my son must be a demanding brat if he took it that way. Am I jummping to conclusions? Ds can be very blunt and very much has the monotone voice. I know things do not always come out of his mouth well. Am I expecting too much of bf to understand this? Bf has the easiest, sweetest, 12 year old, so I feel like he has no

clue what I go through. I often feel uncomfortable when ds and bf are around as I worry what bf is thinking. Sometimes I think our differences are just a matter of Mom vs Dad thinking, yet I don't know. I want him to love my son unconditionally like I do, but is that too much to ask? I worry that only a biological parent can love a child who has these type of behavioral problems. Any input on this would be much appreciated. I know there are a couple of stepparents posting on here. Thanks so much!