Re: How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

[Guest guest]

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

[Guest guest]

How did he do with the house sitting job? Can you get him the job with the carts? That sounds like a nice job too. I really know how you feel and I have the same problems here. Sometimes my dh sounds just like you, wishing he would go out and do something. I think it more than I say it, lol. Mine stays in his room too most of the time. I was really hoping he would get that summer IT job so much. But it didn't work out. The kid who got it understood how the system worked and mine didn't. So we will just have to wait and find something. I would think that the OCD stuff would be as hard to "work around" as my ds's social "shyness." Mine can't talk to people he doesn't know. So that really limits things as far as what "normal" teens are able to work at.

If Tom is still out of work, that is probably why you feel more pressure to get him out there, working. Then when he asks for things, it can remind you that you can't afford it. But try to hang in there. There is nothing wrong with telling him "no, we can't afford it" and in that, he might get the urge to get out there and earn some money. We can always dream. <GG> Actually, I think my 20 yo would really like to have a job and was hoping to get that IT job. I think he was ready to get out and work. Now he is trying to hole up again on us. So it will be work to get him out again in to the community. But he's 20 yo now. he wasn't ready when he was 17 or even 19. It seems to be something that has kicked in the last 6 months or so. He had some big successes with school and it kind of got him excited enough to try new things. About a month ago, he suddenly asked to practice driving. I've tried to get him out there to practice for years now and he just wouldn't do it and wasn't ready, I guess. Now suddenly he is. Well, he is doing a pretty good job at it really. So it seems like he is sorta moving forward but at his own speed. I do push him sometimes too. Not sure it does much!

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

Oh, Roxanna...I dread the day my son can learn to drive...he is too distracted and the roads here are narrow, windy and hilly. I hope my son doesn't want to drive till he is 21.

LOL!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Roxanna <MadIdeas@...>Subject: Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA Date: Monday, July 6, 2009, 2:30 PM

How did he do with the house sitting job? Can you get him the job with the carts? That sounds like a nice job too. I really know how you feel and I have the same problems here. Sometimes my dh sounds just like you, wishing he would go out and do something. I think it more than I say it, lol. Mine stays in his room too most of the time. I was really hoping he would get that summer IT job so much. But it didn't work out. The kid who got it understood how the system worked and mine didn't. So we will just have to wait and find something. I would think that the OCD stuff would be as hard to "work around" as my ds's social "shyness." Mine can't talk to people he doesn't know. So that really limits things as far as what "normal" teens are able to work at. If Tom is still out of work, that is probably why you feel more pressure to get him out there, working.

Then when he asks for things, it can remind you that you can't afford it. But try to hang in there. There is nothing wrong with telling him "no, we can't afford it" and in that, he might get the urge to get out there and earn some money. We can always dream. <GG> Actually, I think my 20 yo would really like to have a job and was hoping to get that IT job. I think he was ready to get out and work. Now he is trying to hole up again on us. So it will be work to get him out again in to the community. But he's 20 yo now. he wasn't ready when he was 17 or even 19. It seems to be something that has kicked in the last 6 months or so. He had some big successes with school and it kind of got him excited enough to try new things. About a month ago, he suddenly asked to practice driving. I've tried to get him out there to practice for

years now and he just wouldn't do it and wasn't ready, I guess. Now suddenly he is. Well, he is doing a pretty good job at it really. So it seems like he is sorta moving forward but at his own speed. I do push him sometimes too. Not sure it does much!

Roxanna"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

Be careful what you wish

for, lol. I wasn't anxious for my ds to drive either and then he

didn't even want to try for years. I was about to enroll him in some

sort of disability driving program and something just clicked for him.

But yes, it is not a simple thing for NT kids to learn to drive so we

get double that with ours. I think waiting until he is 20 yo has

helped him be more mature about this so perhaps that will happen for

your ds too. My big

problem is that I have been teaching my 17 yo NT dd to drive at the

same time so I am really stressed out right now. Even when my dh is

driving now, I am gasping and pushing my foot down on a pretend brake

at times. lol. It's like I am on "co-pilot" mode since I am doing it

so much. Augh!

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

My 18 year old is not driving either. I don't think he has the confidence. He has taken lessons, but didn't do that well and we haven't been pushing it either. Last week when I heard Tony Atwood speak one of the things I jotted down was that Asperger's youth can be approximately 5 years behind developmentally speaking in relation to typical peers. I thought that was interesting. Pam

In a message dated 7/13/2009 6:32:11 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, MadIdeas@... writes:

Be careful what you wish for, lol. I wasn't anxious for my ds to drive either and then he didn't even want to try for years. I was about to enroll him in some sort of disability driving program and something just clicked for him. But yes, it is not a simple thing for NT kids to learn to drive so we get double that with ours. I think waiting until he is 20 yo has helped him be more mature about this so perhaps that will happen for your ds too. My big problem is that I have been teaching my 17 yo NT dd to drive at the same time so I am really stressed out right now. Even when my dh is driving now, I am gasping and pushing my foot down on a pretend brake at times. lol. It's like I am on "co-pilot" mode since I am doing it so much. Augh!

Roxanna"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

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[Guest guest]

That is really interesting Pam. I would agree too! It's been that way for us, anyway.

Any other interesting things heard at the conference?

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna,

Thanks for the insight on the job. We were basically trying him to do something simple like bag groceries (which he does for us), and put shopping carts away. (He could wear gloves for that for his OCD). We figured nothing major would be in store for him unless he could work at the local library since he's there most of the time-so much the librarians know him when he calls! LOL!

I wouldn't care that he didn't have a job if he didn't spend all day holed up in his room all day reading and playing video games. He comes out occassionally to eat. But the thing that bothers me most (and I know it's part of the disorders he has) is his acting as if he lived here and we are to be his servants. It's not helping him gain independence to live on his own. He relies on us too much for things. He wants us to pay for everything for him. Basic necessities, fine. School stuff, fine. But $40-$50 video games, I draw the line. I might get them for Christmas or birthday, but even when Tom had a job, we didn't spend money on things like that on a whim. He expects us to pay for things like that. He knows very well that we can't afford things like that. And now that Tom is still unemployed here at 7 months, we really can't.

He still doesn't drive. Which is fine with me. I'm not in a hurry to push that. I do feel bad for him to see all his friends getting their licenses and him not. But he failed the learner's permit so he now has to take a class before he can try again. That is $250. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but I know that it does bother him. But we'll cross that bridge when he's ready. (If ever).

He did get offered a job of "house-sitting" kind of thing while some friends are out-of-town, and he mowed a lawn for the first time!!!!!!! That was a big accomplishment for him! Money is a great motivator! LOL!

I did like what one person mentioned about "guarding his emotions". And that seems to fit the reaction he gave me when I got upset about the clothes. I just put them in there because the bathroom is only a few feet from the washer, and it's the best place to put them, and I don't do a load unless it's full. But I see what you say of them being in his way.

I'm sure it's an OCD thing too. He won't load the dishwasher. He'll dump it. But he won't put the things piled in the sink or on the counter in it. He says he doesn't want to touch things that other people had their mouths on. So I get that one. Don't particularly like it, but I get it and allow for it. Especially since he has so many germ fears that he has to get past everyday!

Thanks for the info.

-Melinda

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!

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[Guest guest]

Roxanna, lots of intereseting information from the conference. I am in the process of writing up my notes and will share them on list. Pam

In a message dated 7/16/2009 8:27:12 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, MadIdeas@... writes:

Any other interesting things heard at the conference? Hot Deals at Dell on Popular Laptops perfect for Back to School

[Guest guest]

Great! Thanks!

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How do you discipline / TO ROXANNA

Roxanna, lots of intereseting information from the conference. I am in the process of writing up my notes and will share them on list. Pam

In a message dated 7/16/2009 8:27:12 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, MadIdeasaol writes:

Any other interesting things heard at the conference?

Hot Deals at Dell on Popular Laptops perfect for Back to School

An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!