Re: Feeling Overwhelmed - Helping Son Make Friends

April 6, 2010

Dear bren6937

Maybe it is a stress thing? I am usually ok with people, but my sister gave me 20 lashes with her toung for something I said at Easter dinner. Well Dad has colon to liver cancer, the stress is running through my Bro and Sis like a bad fever.

( ) Feeling Overwhelmed - Helping Son Make Friends

How do you cope with watching your 8 year old son not have/make friends? It is the same wherever we go....he starts off playing ok, but soon intimidates/scares the kids away. For example....over the winter an 8 year old boy moved behind us, great right??? Well it was for one Saturday afternoon. They played the entire afternoon...football, soccer, basketball, etc (things my son would not usually play). He may not of stuck with anything long, but he was playing them. In fact, just to have my son outside is huge.....he hates being outside most days, and I don't think he ever stays out for more than 20-30 minutes at a time!!! Anyway....this boy was out yesterday and I noticed my son trying to go over and play. I could see that my son was being ignored, so I called him back in to our yard, hoping the boy would come over and play. The whole night went by, and the neighbor boy never came over to play (I was mowing the yard during all this). I asked my son later if he asked the boy to play, and he said, "I kept asking him, but he just kept ignoring me". Just makes me sick to my stomach. It's the same thing that always happens. Then again tonight.....we were at a practice game for my boyfriend's son, and he started playing with a little brother of one of the players. I tried to get them to play last year, but it lasted about a day, then the little boy started ignoring him (he is 2 years younger than my son). They did ok today, but I know what will happen after today And the thing is.....I see why they ignore him. He talks non-stop, and usually about himself or his interests. He runs and tells their parents about everything. Even when he is around me at the games, he is talking non-stop and really loud. I can totally see why his peers would be intimidated by him. And I know this goes on at school too! He constantly tells me someone is ignoring him, and now I see what he means. His teacher has told me he "talks above the other kids", and I'm sure it's hard for them to get where he is coming from.He wants friends so bad, but can't seem to get it. I put him in a social skills group a few months back, but can't hardly afford $240 for 8 weeks! They are starting a new one up, but I just can't justify the expense. He didn't do very well at them, and spent one whole day under a table refusing to play, and another night in a chair by the door because another girl said she hated him!!!I just don't know what to do!! I feel like I could be doing more to help him and don't want to sit back and watch him struggle. Also, what do you do about the physical aspect of things? My son has always struggled with motor skills, but never enough to get him help. He did do OT for awhile, but I can't hardly get him there while working full time (I was only working part time before). My son was trying to copy another kid doing a somersault the other day, and it made me so sad. My 8 year old can't even begin to do a somersault. I've never seen anything so awkward in my life. My boyfriend tried to help him, but he was like a limp doll What do other do for this? Is so hard to imagine any child with Aspergers being sports oriented (although I do realize they all struggle differently). He is my only child, and I find myself feeling so jealous of other people who have nice, quiet, sweet children. I hear people say what a nice kid he is or she is, and figure nobody will ever say that about mine. He can be defiant, loud, and annoying at times. I feel so horrible saying that about my own child, but I know it is true. How do you deal with this and the guilt that goes along with it?????Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening!!!!

April 7, 2010

I'd get the book, Thinking about You Thinking About Me " by Winner. My

son has been in social therapy - other than one year - since he was three, and

will move out of it this fall. His therapist implemented this program with him

and made great strides.

I'd find some other friends with kids in the spectrum, or kids that are

bullied/excluded. Create a movie night once a month with these kids.

I'd get something cool that can only be played at your house which other kids

covet.

I'd hire an older kid - 12 or 13 - and pay him $3/hour to mentor your kid in

group situations.

Anyway, yes, I do identify with your feelings. I remember at home completely

being fine and only noticing how different my son was out in public. I also

have younger kids. Even to this day my son gets to watch his siblings get

complimented on how cute, smart, and nice they are.

L.

>

> How do you cope with watching your 8 year old son not have/make friends? It

is the same wherever we go....he starts off playing ok, but soon

intimidates/scares the kids away. For example....over the winter an 8 year old

boy moved behind us, great right??? Well it was for one Saturday afternoon.

They played the entire afternoon...football, soccer, basketball, etc (things my

son would not usually play). He may not of stuck with anything long, but he was

playing them. In fact, just to have my son outside is huge.....he hates being

outside most days, and I don't think he ever stays out for more than 20-30

minutes at a time!!! Anyway....this boy was out yesterday and I noticed my son

trying to go over and play. I could see that my son was being ignored, so I

called him back in to our yard, hoping the boy would come over and play. The

whole night went by, and the neighbor boy never came over to play (I was mowing

the yard during all this). I asked my son later if he asked the boy to play,

and he said, " I kept asking him, but he just kept ignoring me " . Just makes me

sick to my stomach. It's the same thing that always happens. Then again

tonight.....we were at a practice game for my boyfriend's son, and he started

playing with a little brother of one of the players. I tried to get them to

play last year, but it lasted about a day, then the little boy started ignoring

him (he is 2 years younger than my son). They did ok today, but I know what

will happen after today

>

> And the thing is.....I see why they ignore him. He talks non-stop, and

usually about himself or his interests. He runs and tells their parents about

everything. Even when he is around me at the games, he is talking non-stop and

really loud. I can totally see why his peers would be intimidated by him.

>

> And I know this goes on at school too! He constantly tells me someone is

ignoring him, and now I see what he means. His teacher has told me he " talks

above the other kids " , and I'm sure it's hard for them to get where he is coming

from.

>

> He wants friends so bad, but can't seem to get it. I put him in a social

skills group a few months back, but can't hardly afford $240 for 8 weeks! They

are starting a new one up, but I just can't justify the expense. He didn't do

very well at them, and spent one whole day under a table refusing to play, and

another night in a chair by the door because another girl said she hated him!!!

>

> I just don't know what to do!! I feel like I could be doing more to help him

and don't want to sit back and watch him struggle. Also, what do you do about

the physical aspect of things? My son has always struggled with motor skills,

but never enough to get him help. He did do OT for awhile, but I can't hardly

get him there while working full time (I was only working part time before). My

son was trying to copy another kid doing a somersault the other day, and it made

me so sad. My 8 year old can't even begin to do a somersault. I've never seen

anything so awkward in my life. My boyfriend tried to help him, but he was like

a limp doll What do other do for this? Is so hard to imagine any child with

Aspergers being sports oriented (although I do realize they all struggle

differently). He is my only child, and I find myself feeling so jealous of

other people who have nice, quiet, sweet children. I hear people say what a

nice kid he is or she is, and figure nobody will ever say that about mine. He

can be defiant, loud, and annoying at times. I feel so horrible saying that

about my own child, but I know it is true. How do you deal with this and the

guilt that goes along with it?????

>

> Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening!!!!

>

April 7, 2010

I think there may be some things you could try. Try to come up with some catch phrases for situations. When he's turns the conversation to talk about his interests, try using: " Stay on topic. " Then when you're having conversations with him, use it and bring him back to the topic of discussion. Reward, reward, reward, when he listens to this. Use verbal praise, and if he let's you, rub his back or use preferred touch to reinforce the point.

When he's being ignored by others, it makes me think your son needs to practice starting and ending a conversation. With my son we used, " Too much, too much. " It let him know he was just talking too much. Many books offer detailed info. on that help with conversations. You can practice this with him, too! The older kid could come in handy here again. Bringing a slightly older kid into it could be wonderful as someone suggested. You would want a kind kid who would be open to your instruction as well as not bad mouth your son in the neighborhood.

Also, the loudness of his voice--you can find or make a chart of noise levels. It shows how loud and when to use that level. I think a 1 is for a library or someone sleeping. A 5 could be for outside play. You make the chart and then use it to show your son what level he should be at. Then, you start asking him what number he should be at for the location. He needs to start making the connection himself for self regulation. I didn't mean to talk down to you, but I wasn't sure how much you've already done, so I offered some basics that have worked for me and my son.

On Wed, Apr 7, 2010 at 8:03 AM, laura6307 <laura6307@...> wrote:

I'd get the book, Thinking about You Thinking About Me " by Winner. My son has been in social therapy - other than one year - since he was three, and will move out of it this fall. His therapist implemented this program with him and made great strides.

I'd find some other friends with kids in the spectrum, or kids that are bullied/excluded. Create a movie night once a month with these kids.I'd get something cool that can only be played at your house which other kids covet.

I'd hire an older kid - 12 or 13 - and pay him $3/hour to mentor your kid in group situations.Anyway, yes, I do identify with your feelings. I remember at home completely being fine and only noticing how different my son was out in public. I also have younger kids. Even to this day my son gets to watch his siblings get complimented on how cute, smart, and nice they are.

L.>> How do you cope with watching your 8 year old son not have/make friends? It is the same wherever we go....he starts off playing ok, but soon intimidates/scares the kids away. For example....over the winter an 8 year old boy moved behind us, great right??? Well it was for one Saturday afternoon. They played the entire afternoon...football, soccer, basketball, etc (things my son would not usually play). He may not of stuck with anything long, but he was playing them. In fact, just to have my son outside is huge.....he hates being outside most days, and I don't think he ever stays out for more than 20-30 minutes at a time!!! Anyway....this boy was out yesterday and I noticed my son trying to go over and play. I could see that my son was being ignored, so I called him back in to our yard, hoping the boy would come over and play. The whole night went by, and the neighbor boy never came over to play (I was mowing the yard during all this). I asked my son later if he asked the boy to play, and he said, " I kept asking him, but he just kept ignoring me " . Just makes me sick to my stomach. It's the same thing that always happens. Then again tonight.....we were at a practice game for my boyfriend's son, and he started playing with a little brother of one of the players. I tried to get them to play last year, but it lasted about a day, then the little boy started ignoring him (he is 2 years younger than my son). They did ok today, but I know what will happen after today

> > And the thing is.....I see why they ignore him. He talks non-stop, and usually about himself or his interests. He runs and tells their parents about everything. Even when he is around me at the games, he is talking non-stop and really loud. I can totally see why his peers would be intimidated by him.

> > And I know this goes on at school too! He constantly tells me someone is ignoring him, and now I see what he means. His teacher has told me he " talks above the other kids " , and I'm sure it's hard for them to get where he is coming from.

> > He wants friends so bad, but can't seem to get it. I put him in a social skills group a few months back, but can't hardly afford $240 for 8 weeks! They are starting a new one up, but I just can't justify the expense. He didn't do very well at them, and spent one whole day under a table refusing to play, and another night in a chair by the door because another girl said she hated him!!!

> > I just don't know what to do!! I feel like I could be doing more to help him and don't want to sit back and watch him struggle. Also, what do you do about the physical aspect of things? My son has always struggled with motor skills, but never enough to get him help. He did do OT for awhile, but I can't hardly get him there while working full time (I was only working part time before). My son was trying to copy another kid doing a somersault the other day, and it made me so sad. My 8 year old can't even begin to do a somersault. I've never seen anything so awkward in my life. My boyfriend tried to help him, but he was like a limp doll What do other do for this? Is so hard to imagine any child with Aspergers being sports oriented (although I do realize they all struggle differently). He is my only child, and I find myself feeling so jealous of other people who have nice, quiet, sweet children. I hear people say what a nice kid he is or she is, and figure nobody will ever say that about mine. He can be defiant, loud, and annoying at times. I feel so horrible saying that about my own child, but I know it is true. How do you deal with this and the guilt that goes along with it?????

> > Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening!!!!>

April 7, 2010

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching your child struggle with friendships. My DD has a few good friends (all boys, one with AS) in school, who she will sometimes play with on weekends, but is often left out of neighborhood play. I think with her, it is the fact that most of the kids in our neighborhood are girls, and she gets along better with boys. I was told this was because boys are more "black and white" in how they play, which makes sense. She has difficulty getting along with her younger sister for the same reason.Is there a playgroup he can join, or an organization like Boy Scouts? From: gina9431@...Date: Wed, 7 Apr 2010 02:14:50 +0000Subject: ( ) Feeling Overwhelmed - Helping Son Make Friends

How do you cope with watching your 8 year old son not have/make friends? It is the same wherever we go....he starts off playing ok, but soon intimidates/scares the kids away. For example....over the winter an 8 year old boy moved behind us, great right??? Well it was for one Saturday afternoon. They played the entire afternoon...football, soccer, basketball, etc (things my son would not usually play). He may not of stuck with anything long, but he was playing them. In fact, just to have my son outside is huge.....he hates being outside most days, and I don't think he ever stays out for more than 20-30 minutes at a time!!! Anyway....this boy was out yesterday and I noticed my son trying to go over and play. I could see that my son was being ignored, so I called him back in to our yard, hoping the boy would come over and play. The whole night went by, and the neighbor boy never came over to play (I was mowing the yard during all this). I asked my son later if he asked the boy to play, and he said, "I kept asking him, but he just kept ignoring me". Just makes me sick to my stomach. It's the same thing that always happens. Then again tonight.....we were at a practice game for my boyfriend's son, and he started playing with a little brother of one of the players. I tried to get them to play last year, but it lasted about a day, then the little boy started ignoring him (he is 2 years younger than my son). They did ok today, but I know what will happen after today

And the thing is.....I see why they ignore him. He talks non-stop, and usually about himself or his interests. He runs and tells their parents about everything. Even when he is around me at the games, he is talking non-stop and really loud. I can totally see why his peers would be intimidated by him.

And I know this goes on at school too! He constantly tells me someone is ignoring him, and now I see what he means. His teacher has told me he "talks above the other kids", and I'm sure it's hard for them to get where he is coming from.

He wants friends so bad, but can't seem to get it. I put him in a social skills group a few months back, but can't hardly afford $240 for 8 weeks! They are starting a new one up, but I just can't justify the expense. He didn't do very well at them, and spent one whole day under a table refusing to play, and another night in a chair by the door because another girl said she hated him!!!

I just don't know what to do!! I feel like I could be doing more to help him and don't want to sit back and watch him struggle. Also, what do you do about the physical aspect of things? My son has always struggled with motor skills, but never enough to get him help. He did do OT for awhile, but I can't hardly get him there while working full time (I was only working part time before). My son was trying to copy another kid doing a somersault the other day, and it made me so sad. My 8 year old can't even begin to do a somersault. I've never seen anything so awkward in my life. My boyfriend tried to help him, but he was like a limp doll What do other do for this? Is so hard to imagine any child with Aspergers being sports oriented (although I do realize they all struggle differently). He is my only child, and I find myself feeling so jealous of other people who have nice, quiet, sweet children. I hear people say what a nice kid he is or she is, and figure nobody will ever say that about mine. He can be defiant, loud, and annoying at times. I feel so horrible saying that about my own child, but I know it is true. How do you deal with this and the guilt that goes along with it?????

Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening!!!!

The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

April 7, 2010

I think it was Temple Grandin that talked about putting children in groups with shared interests. (She said don't just throw a kid into a sports team for the sake of an activity.) That way, when they are talking incessantly about the topic, they just look smart and not out of place. For us, cubs was not good match. Could have been the troop, but I'm still a bit of a sceptic. Go in cautiously. The one I checked out had moms leading everything. They kept scolding the boys for being too loud or if they ran across the hall. It was too much. I didn't see enough dads in charge. Those women were so uptight they even drove the nt kids a little nuts. (Why do women need to butt into guy things, really?) I went to try out 3 meetings and glad I did it that way before just signing up.

On Wed, Apr 7, 2010 at 12:42 PM, Barbara Pinckney <b-pinckney@...> wrote:

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching your child struggle with friendships. My DD has a few good friends (all boys, one with AS) in school, who she will sometimes play with on weekends, but is often left out of neighborhood play. I think with her, it is the fact that most of the kids in our neighborhood are girls, and she gets along better with boys. I was told this was because boys are more " black and white " in how they play, which makes sense. She has difficulty getting along with her younger sister for the same reason.

Is there a playgroup he can join, or an organization like Boy Scouts?

From: gina9431@...Date: Wed, 7 Apr 2010 02:14:50 +0000

Subject: ( ) Feeling Overwhelmed - Helping Son Make Friends

How do you cope with watching your 8 year old son not have/make friends? It is the same wherever we go....he starts off playing ok, but soon intimidates/scares the kids away. For example....over the winter an 8 year old boy moved behind us, great right??? Well it was for one Saturday afternoon. They played the entire afternoon...football, soccer, basketball, etc (things my son would not usually play). He may not of stuck with anything long, but he was playing them. In fact, just to have my son outside is huge.....he hates being outside most days, and I don't think he ever stays out for more than 20-30 minutes at a time!!! Anyway....this boy was out yesterday and I noticed my son trying to go over and play. I could see that my son was being ignored, so I called him back in to our yard, hoping the boy would come over and play. The whole night went by, and the neighbor boy never came over to play (I was mowing the yard during all this). I asked my son later if he asked the boy to play, and he said, " I kept asking him, but he just kept ignoring me " . Just makes me sick to my stomach. It's the same thing that always happens. Then again tonight.....we were at a practice game for my boyfriend's son, and he started playing with a little brother of one of the players. I tried to get them to play last year, but it lasted about a day, then the little boy started ignoring him (he is 2 years younger than my son). They did ok today, but I know what will happen after today

And the thing is.....I see why they ignore him. He talks non-stop, and usually about himself or his interests. He runs and tells their parents about everything. Even when he is around me at the games, he is talking non-stop and really loud. I can totally see why his peers would be intimidated by him.

And I know this goes on at school too! He constantly tells me someone is ignoring him, and now I see what he means. His teacher has told me he " talks above the other kids " , and I'm sure it's hard for them to get where he is coming from.

He wants friends so bad, but can't seem to get it. I put him in a social skills group a few months back, but can't hardly afford $240 for 8 weeks! They are starting a new one up, but I just can't justify the expense. He didn't do very well at them, and spent one whole day under a table refusing to play, and another night in a chair by the door because another girl said she hated him!!!

I just don't know what to do!! I feel like I could be doing more to help him and don't want to sit back and watch him struggle. Also, what do you do about the physical aspect of things? My son has always struggled with motor skills, but never enough to get him help. He did do OT for awhile, but I can't hardly get him there while working full time (I was only working part time before). My son was trying to copy another kid doing a somersault the other day, and it made me so sad. My 8 year old can't even begin to do a somersault. I've never seen anything so awkward in my life. My boyfriend tried to help him, but he was like a limp doll What do other do for this? Is so hard to imagine any child with Aspergers being sports oriented (although I do realize they all struggle differently). He is my only child, and I find myself feeling so jealous of other people who have nice, quiet, sweet children. I hear people say what a nice kid he is or she is, and figure nobody will ever say that about mine. He can be defiant, loud, and annoying at times. I feel so horrible saying that about my own child, but I know it is true. How do you deal with this and the guilt that goes along with it?????

Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening!!!!

The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

April 7, 2010

I feel your pain. One way I have coped is to

by taking a parent training program. I feel like the therapist really

understands AS kids so well. And I feel we are being

given some skills as parents to teach things she didn't

learn on her own.

My husband and I started a social skill

program for parents of autistic kids called RTI training

and it has been very interesting.

One skill we are working on is using more non verbal

communication alot more. So she notices it more.

To the point sometimes we are to not talk at all

use non verbal comunication.

Another is playing more the game of 20 questions the

therapist said we need to be more dynamic and not

have her talking in scripts and long factual information.

She said 20 questions is a good game to get them thinking

what others are thinking. So when my daughter starts

on her lecture on cats ... I say " quess what kind of a cat

I am thinking about " ....

The idea is to get them thinking about other peoples likes

and dislikes etc.

I realized since I started this program what a task this

alone is.

I think it is a huge challenge being a parent of an AS

child, there are the school issues and advocacy, there

is the behavior issues and some have anxiety mine does

and then teaching social skills is very complicated too.

Pam