Re: defiant behavior in my 6 yr old Aspie

[Guest guest]

I contacted the Yale Parent and Child Conduct Clinic and

they are working with me over the phone for the last year.

Or you can find a certified behaviorist.

http://www.yale.edu/yaleparentingcenter/

My experience is that you need behavior therapy and medication.

For some kids that may mean a stimulant or an anti-depressant.

Or both in some cases.

Kids with AS get so stressed they act out and want control.

I am making progress and understanding the issues better.

You will get there too. It takes time. And it takes time

to find a medication that works.

Pam

>

> Hi Everyone-

>

> I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a

happy face... but today I crumbled.

>

> My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I

hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to

turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I

am being bluntly honest).

>

> No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude

tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear

that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this.

>

> I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and

I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain

calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work,

taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll

on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old

comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old

just says " I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed! " I am on my own

most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights

every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night

to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am

exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep.

> My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said

he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help.

I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this

behavior to stop.

>

[Guest guest]

Ah 6... Isn't it lovely? People always tell me how simply adorable my daughter is and I smile! She does the same thing but it seems not as bad. For the backtalk/haggling, I finally told her that she could comment once but that's it. Well, of course that wasn't magic. When she would start up told her to stand facing the wall. Ooo did she HATE that. It literally required less than 30 secs at the wall to have an impact. I did that consistantly and maybe a day later I just had to give her 'the look' and she'd clam up. I was prepared to make her stand there if she had refused and I think she knows that I'm fair but I do require respect in exchange for respect. I have to say that she's about ready for a refresher course on this but it lasted a long time!As for bedtime, we have a 'little bed' on the floor in our room. It's a crib mattress with toddler sheets, pillow, etc. Our daughter is now at the point where she only comes in on weekend nights. This works because she can slip into her little bed at night without waking us up. It's not worth a fight IMO. People all over the world sleep in the same room or bed. But we did have to work on acclimating her to falling asleep ALONE in her big bed in her room. If she got through a week she got a toy. I poked my head in a few times the first two nights to reassure her but then she was fine. That and 3 night lights! She got her toy and Hubby and I got our evenings back!Sounds like you have your hands full but you might need to be a little tougher. I start with making her ASK. Then I move onto putting 'this or nothing' conditions when appropriate. A flat NO is just adding fuel to the fire in this house! A choice (even if it's not much of a choice) works much better.Hugs, in NY6yo Aspie girlOn Feb 18, 2011, at 8:58 PM, "nicolea102602" <nicolea102602@...> wrote:

Hi Everyone-

I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a happy face... but today I crumbled.

My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I am being bluntly honest).

No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this.

I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old just says "I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed!" I am on my own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep.

My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this behavior to stop.

[Guest guest]

He sounds exactly like my son who is 15. My son has gotten angrier over the years...he was never dx as ODD but I do believe he is. Right now I have him on medication. When I spoke to his doctor he said increasing the medicine would only make him sleepier or zone out. So now we are taking him to therapy once a week.

I think you may need to take your son too.

I understand completely when you say ...I don't want to be near him or around him. I have the same exact feelings and I know how awful it feels to feel this way. We are their mothers yet we can't stand or take much more of their behavior and actions. But we are also human beings and we too have feelings and our children don't realize how they are hurting us.

Hang in there. You are not alone in this. And, remember you are not a bad mom for those thoughts. It is hard. Try taking him to a behavior specialist and see if it helps. Also, he may need some medication.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: nicolea102602 <nicolea102602@...> Sent: Fri, February 18, 2011 8:58:16 PMSubject: ( ) defiant behavior in my 6 yr old Aspie

Hi Everyone-I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a happy face... but today I crumbled. My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I am being bluntly honest).No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this. I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll on me. And now he has started to come into

our bed at night(and our 3yr old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old just says "I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed!" I am on my own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep. My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this behavior to stop.

[Guest guest]

I am going to try this with my 8 yr old NT daughter, although I think it will take more than once . Thanks for the ideaSent from my iPadOn Feb 18, 2011, at 11:09 PM, <jenuhferr@...> wrote:

Ah 6... Isn't it lovely? People always tell me how simply adorable my daughter is and I smile! She does the same thing but it seems not as bad. For the backtalk/haggling, I finally told her that she could comment once but that's it. Well, of course that wasn't magic. When she would start up told her to stand facing the wall. Ooo did she HATE that. It literally required less than 30 secs at the wall to have an impact. I did that consistantly and maybe a day later I just had to give her 'the look' and she'd clam up. I was prepared to make her stand there if she had refused and I think she knows that I'm fair but I do require respect in exchange for respect. I have to say that she's about ready for a refresher course on this but it lasted a long time!As for bedtime, we have a 'little bed' on the floor in our room. It's a crib mattress with toddler sheets, pillow, etc. Our daughter is now at the point where she only comes in on weekend nights. This works because she can slip into her little bed at night without waking us up. It's not worth a fight IMO. People all over the world sleep in the same room or bed. But we did have to work on acclimating her to falling asleep ALONE in her big bed in her room. If she got through a week she got a toy. I poked my head in a few times the first two nights to reassure her but then she was fine. That and 3 night lights! She got her toy and Hubby and I got our evenings back!Sounds like you have your hands full but you might need to be a little tougher. I start with making her ASK. Then I move onto putting 'this or nothing' conditions when appropriate. A flat NO is just adding fuel to the fire in this house! A choice (even if it's not much of a choice) works much better.Hugs, in NY6yo Aspie girlOn Feb 18, 2011, at 8:58 PM, "nicolea102602" <nicolea102602@...> wrote:

Hi Everyone-

I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a happy face... but today I crumbled.

My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I am being bluntly honest).

No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this.

I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old just says "I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed!" I am on my own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep.

My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this behavior to stop.

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to edit my post below... When I mentioned being " tougher, " it could be misconstrued. I didn't want you to think I thought you weren't trying hard or that you weren't being tough already. I'm not in your house and so I just had to give you what I'm dealing with in hopes that it helps. Just wanted to be sure you know that you're doing a great job and asking for advice is great! 

I didn't mention that my daughter just started therapy. It is in the form of play therapy and we just started but I'm hoping it will help her deal with her fears over me being chronically ill and also her fears of me leaving because my brother's wife just basically abandoned my niece and she is the same age as my daughter and talks about it to my daughter. Ack! These things increase her stress and her acting out.

Hugs, in NY6yo Aspie girlOn Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 12:09 AM, <jenuhferr@...> wrote:

Ah 6... Isn't it lovely? People always tell me how simply adorable my daughter is and I smile! 

She does the same thing but it seems not as bad. For the backtalk/haggling, I finally told her that she could comment once but that's it. Well, of course that wasn't magic. When she would start up told her to stand facing the wall. Ooo did she HATE that. It literally required less than 30 secs at the wall to have an impact. I did that consistantly and maybe a day later I just had to give her 'the look' and she'd clam up. I was prepared to make her stand there if she had refused and I think she knows that I'm fair but I do require respect in exchange for respect. I have to say that she's about ready for a refresher course on this but it lasted a long time!

As for bedtime, we have a 'little bed' on the floor in our room. It's a crib mattress with toddler sheets, pillow, etc. Our daughter is now at the point where she only comes in on weekend nights. This works because she can slip into her little bed at night without waking us up. It's not worth a fight IMO. People all over the world sleep in the same room or bed. But we did have to work on acclimating her to falling asleep ALONE in her big bed in her room. If she got through a week she got a toy. I poked my head in a few times the first two nights to reassure her but then she was fine. That and 3 night lights! She got her toy and Hubby and I got our evenings back!

Sounds like you have your hands full but you might need to be a little tougher. I start with making her ASK. Then I move onto putting 'this or nothing' conditions when appropriate. A flat NO is just adding fuel to the fire in this house! A choice (even if it's not much of a choice) works much better.

Hugs, in NY6yo Aspie girl

[Guest guest]

I know just how you feel. My son is diagnosed with ODD and AS. He is

violent and rude and does whatever he wants regardless of the consequences. I

love him with all my heart, but I can't take it anymore. I am sending him to

live across the country with his father. I do not know if this is best for him

or not, but I no longer feel safe with him in the home. My daughter does not

feel safe either.He has threatened to kill her. He ransacks my whole house every

night while everybody else is sleeping. He picks my bedroom lock and goes

through my things. I am a parenting single and I just can't do it. I have been

begging for help with him from county and state agencies for years, but the

funding just isn't there. Heck, if the state would just provide a little

respite care I wouldn't have to give my son away to a man who is practically a

stranger.

I thought I would want to spend as much time with him as possible before he

leaves me (happening April 1st) but the closer the day gets, the more I long for

it to get here faster. And now they have no school for the whole week and I find

myself wishing that I had sent him sooner. I work full time and have no child

care and I am scared of what he is going to do while I am at work. I got my

daughter a cell phone and told her anytime he says he is going to hit her or

threatens her in any way call 911.

>

> Hi Everyone-

>

> I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a

happy face... but today I crumbled.

>

> My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I

hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to

turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I

am being bluntly honest).

>

> No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude

tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear

that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this.

>

> I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and

I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain

calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work,

taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll

on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old

comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old

just says " I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed! " I am on my own

most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights

every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night

to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am

exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep.

> My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said

he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help.

I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this

behavior to stop.

>

[Guest guest]

Have you tried any medication or therapies?

In a message dated 2/18/2011 10:15:43 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, nicolea102602@... writes:

Hi Everyone-I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a happy face... but today I crumbled. My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I am being bluntly honest).No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this. I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old just says "I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed!" I am on my own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep. My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this behavior to stop.

[Guest guest]

thanks to everyone for all the support and great suggestions. I am hanging on by

a thread. My DH took me out for a date this weekend (dinner AND a movie! THANK

YOU FOR GRANDMA!) and then today (no school- Presidents day)- my sister came

over with 2 of her older girls and they kept the boys occupied so I could get

some rest. I have also had a bad cold-turned sinus-infection-turned bronchitis

for 3 weeks now! ugh! I was coughing like mad and my Aspie says to me " are you

going to die? Because I really don't want you to die. Please don't- ok? " (no

emotion at all- deadpan)

Anyway- I know I need to get more outside help and get my hubby on board with

the meds thing. Our doc has suggested we try Intuniv. We also were doing very

well with Behavioral Therpy last year at a private clinic when my son was still

in pre-school and not receiving any school based therapies. I think my hubby was

hoping he could get all the therapy he needs at school- but it is not enough.

He gets OT twice a week for a half hour and also Speech Therapy which focuses on

pragmatics/social skills. I think he needs more.

Also- ironically- his teacher tells me he is a great kid at school and hardly

ever gives them a tough time. (just to reinforce my feelings of being a

terrible & ineffective parent? Because I already feel scrutinized that the

reason he is defiant and misbehaves is because of me...)

Well- it is a tough road ahead and I hope I can gather my strength to get the

help I need. I am grateful to this group (and the SPD group too!) for all

the support!

thanks!

Hugs!

> >

> > Hi Everyone-

> >

> > I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a

happy face... but today I crumbled.

> >

> > My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I

hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to

turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I

am being bluntly honest).

> >

> > No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very

rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I

fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this.

> >

> > I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam

and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and

remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't

work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a

toll on me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr

old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr

old just says " I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed! " I am on my

own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2

nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the

night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because

I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep.

> > My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also

said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need

help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want

this behavior to stop.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My son who is 15 is pretty good in school. He was especially during the younger years...but when he arrives home...watch out. I don't even try to talk to him anymore. I think school really wears them out. They hold in all the stress during the day and by the time they get home ...it is release time. And they release all their tension on those they trust and know who love them unconditionally. Believe you....I know how it is. My son is pretty quiet in school. He hates school, he is bored and gets annoyed by people. He may act out once in a while now but not often. He just doesn't want to do the work and refuses to do homework ...doesn't see the point...even though it is part of his grade. He just doesn't care. And, by taking things away does not work. I try to use an incentive...you do well on your report card...you get

this. You do your chores and you can go to your girlfriend's house on Saturday. He does have a girlfriend...got in trouble socially....and I do worry ...but I rather he learn now then when he is 18.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: nicolea102602 <nicolea102602@...> Sent: Mon, February 21, 2011 6:56:12 PMSubject: ( ) Re: defiant behavior in my 6 yr old Aspie

thanks to everyone for all the support and great suggestions. I am hanging on by a thread. My DH took me out for a date this weekend (dinner AND a movie! THANK YOU FOR GRANDMA!) and then today (no school- Presidents day)- my sister came over with 2 of her older girls and they kept the boys occupied so I could get some rest. I have also had a bad cold-turned sinus-infection-turned bronchitis for 3 weeks now! ugh! I was coughing like mad and my Aspie says to me "are you going to die? Because I really don't want you to die. Please don't- ok?" (no emotion at all- deadpan)Anyway- I know I need to get more outside help and get my hubby on board with the meds thing. Our doc has suggested we try Intuniv. We also were doing very well with Behavioral Therpy last year at a private clinic when my son was still in pre-school and not receiving any school based therapies. I think my hubby was hoping he could get all the therapy he needs at school- but it is

not enough. He gets OT twice a week for a half hour and also Speech Therapy which focuses on pragmatics/social skills. I think he needs more.Also- ironically- his teacher tells me he is a great kid at school and hardly ever gives them a tough time. (just to reinforce my feelings of being a terrible & ineffective parent? Because I already feel scrutinized that the reason he is defiant and misbehaves is because of me...) Well- it is a tough road ahead and I hope I can gather my strength to get the help I need. I am grateful to this group (and the SPD group too!) for all the support! thanks!Hugs! > >> > Hi Everyone-> > >

> I am really at my wits end here. I try to put up a good fight and keep on a happy face... but today I crumbled. > > > > My 6 yr old is so defiant and rude and just obnoxious about everything. I hate to even say it. But he is. I just don't know what to do and where to turn. I don't even like being around him. (I know this sounds so awful- but I am being bluntly honest).> > > > No matter what I say to him or how I say it- he just responds with a very rude tone of voice and comment. It is hurting me and has worn me down. And I fear that my 3 yr old is going to start doing this. > > > > I have tried many different approaches- right now I am just out of steam and I can't take it anymore. I will try to put on my super calm face and remain calm. But inside I am screaming and I want to run away! Time outs don't work, taking away privileges doesn't work, nothing works. It is really taking a toll on

me. And now he has started to come into our bed at night(and our 3yr old comes into our bed too) and I don't know how to put a stop to it. My 6 yr old just says "I am coming into your bed! I will come into your bed!" I am on my own most of the time- my hubby is a firefighter so he is not home at least 2 nights every week. And he is not really willing to help me in the middle of the night to get both boys back to bed. So I just let them come into our bed because I am exhausted to begin with and I need to sleep. > > My 6 yr old was dx with HFA/AS back in June of 2010 and the dev ped also said he is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ya think?). I need help. I don't know where to turn or where to even start. I just know I want this behavior to stop.> >>