Re: condescending/strength

[Guest guest]

You have hit it right on the head. I'd imagine most of us have been asked the

same questions by people who have never had to deal with the types of things we

all do. I have a good friend (who has raised two kids with disablities herself)

that I call to vent to when I need a shoulder. She and I have discussed this

very thing. What kind of answer do people acutally expect from a question like

that, if they expect an answer at all? Personally, I'm usually embarrassed when

someone say that to me since I constantly have to fight the feelings that I'm

NOT doing enough or not doing the right things for my son. I think some of the

worst times I've had that said to me is when my son's doctors have said they

don't know how I do as well as I do with him and what a good job I do. For

someone like me, with pretty low self-esteem, that is just excruciating since I

can't see it myself.

Pardon my rambling there. You are so right. We do this becuase there is no

alternative. We fight everyday at times and we just keep going. Every day is a

new day, and new understanding of our own strength. Even when we don't feel

like we can go on, we find a way and just keep pushing. If we don't, who will?

Angi

> > > >

> > > > I don't think the letter the teacher sent in response to you was wrong.

I

> > > think

> > > > it was well thought out on her end, really. She wasn't saying he

> > > couldn't have

> > > > other classroom rewards, but she wanted to talk with you about what

would

> > > be

> > > > appropriate since paper airplanes were not. What's wrong with that?

> > > >

> > > > Personally, when my son was in 1st grade, I would've never promised him

> > > a reward

> > > > like that (basketball game for " being good " ) at the end of the day b/c

it

> > >

> > > > would've been impossible for him to earn it and he would've been so

> > > focused on

> > > > the reward that he wouldn't of been able to focus in class.Â

> > > Rewards have never

> > > > really worked for my son. I would give him rewards, but I wouldn't

tell

> > > him

> > > > ahead of time or he would hyperfocus on them, usually lose them b/c

he

> > > was

> > > > distracted, and then melt down because he lost them. What happens

> > > if your

> > > > son messes up at 9am? His whole day at school would be ruined,

> > > probably.  Â

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ________________________________

> > > > From: Raina <my6lilguys@>

> > > >

< %40>

> > > > Sent: Mon, November 15, 2010 4:52:09 PM

> > > > Subject: ( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~

> > > >

> > > > Â

> > > > Augh I am at the end of my rope so help me.

> > > > Ashton is in 1st grade and while we are still here fighting for an IEP,

> > > (he was

> > > > diagnosed a year ago with adhd, and odd and then in July diagnosed with

> > > > aspergers) he has regular shut downs in class and goes into stimulation

> > > overload

> > > > causig him to put his head down or crawl under the desk. The solution in

> > > the

> > > > schools eyes is to send him to the office where he sits and does nothing

> > > or

> > > > helps the secretary shred papers, and when they ask him if he is ready

to

> > > return

> > > > to class he says no! So there he sits, usually 95 percent of the day.

> > > >

> > > > After missing 45 days of school last year because they would call me to

> > > come and

> > > > get him as they did not know how to handle him, and still refusing him

an

> > > eval

> > > > for an IEP, principal states " I dont think he is suffering

educationally "

> > >

> > > > hmmmmmm 45 days of school missed...so I fought and fought and fought and

> > > fought

> > > > and NOW he is finally getting evaluated. However they have already told

> > > me he

> > > > will not get a para for 1 on 1 and will most likely send him to the

> > > office

> > > > still!

> > > >

> > > > (ok whole other story)

> > > >

> > > > So Ashton hates going to school I literally have to bargain with him,

and

> > > as you

> > > > know most aspies have their own rules so this morning I wrote a letter

to

> > > his

> > > > teacher and told her if he was on his best behavior today he could go

> > > with me to

> > > > the basketball game tonight. Then he asked if he was good if he could

> > > make a

> > > > paper airplane, and I included that as well.......OK so these teachers

> > > and

> > > > school have never dealt with kids on the spectrum and do NOT know how

nor

> > > do

> > > > they try to research them and yet I get a letter today as follows:

> > > >

> > > > Thank you for sending me a note about the reward you have promised

Ashton

> > > today.

> > > > Let's change the wording for his behaviors from " being good " to doing

his

> > > first

> > > > grade job. It makes the expectation specific. I use that wording for

> > > Ashton and

> > > > all my students in class. I always ask him what is your job right now.

> > > >

> > > > Therefore, if he is doing his first grade job all day then he will get

to

> > > go to

> > > > JH basketball game with Mom.

> > > >

> > > > Also, your second sentence talked about playing with paper airplanes.

> > > Playing

> > > > with paper airplanes is not a possibility in the classroom. Please don't

> > > make

> > > > possibility promises connected to the classroom and his behavior. First,

> > > > promising him a possibility of something is setting him up for failure.

> > > Second,

> > > > it is not something that you can follow through on. At conferences,

let's

> > > talk

> > > > about rewards that are acceptable and appropriate that we all agree

upon.

> > > > Thanks,

> > > >

> > > > I was steaming after I read this, for one I was thinking he could do a

> > > paper

> > > > airplane during recess as he does not go to recess, he did not want to

> > > fly it

> > > > just make it as he LOVES art... I am just ready to be done with this

> > > school as a

> > > > month ago was his birthday and I received the first letter from his

> > > teacher

> > > > bashing me into the ground so this is the second letter I am receiving..

> > > >

> > > > The first one was his birthday and he had a major meltdown resulting in

> > > missing

> > > > the bus so when I took him he asked me if I could bring him cupcakes and

> > > I told

> > > > him I would " try " no guarantees and I knew sugar at school not a good

> > > idea and I

> > > > did not want to make it worse well low and behold he came home that day

> > > with

> > > > cupcakes.....I called and thanked the school (not to mention I had lost

> > > my great

> > > > uncle the day before so things were insane oh and the other 5 boys in

our

> > >

> > > > household helps with the stress augh) The next morning I get this email

> > > about

> > > > how I should NEVER promise cupcakes to him and that all day became about

> > > the

> > > > cupcakes and how I was tearing down what they are building up....lol

> > > little did

> > > > they know but the next day guess what...he demanded cupcakes again ha ha

> > > they

> > > > did it to themselves..no one called me and asked me about the cupcakes

> > > they just

> > > > assumed and I told her the next day I did NOT promise them to him and

> > > that with

> > > > a child with ashtons difficulties you could tell him you are going to

> > > disneyland

> > > > in 4 months and he would tell everyone he is going everyday for the next

> > > 4

> > > > months...you cannot take their word on things at least not his!

> > > >

> > > > My husband and I are just very upset and unhappy with how they are

> > > handling

> > > > things and now this.....HELP!!!!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> > --

> > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> > , , and Leah

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Angi,

I know what you mean about he doc saying how well you are handling everything and being embarrassed because you feel like you are falling apart inside and you know all of the mistakes you have made. I can't tell you how many times the same feelings have run through me.

I forgot to mention one thing in my last post. When other parents say they don't know how we do it, it bothers me the most. it shows that they have no empathy. Couldn't they for one minute try to think of how they would react if it was their own child. wouldn't they do it for their own kid? of course they would! they would do like we do and find the reserves of strength that they don't know they have.

( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~ > > > > > > > > Â > > > > Augh I am at the end of my rope so help me. > > > > Ashton is in 1st grade and while we are still here fighting for an IEP, > > > (he was > > > > diagnosed a year ago with adhd, and odd and then in July diagnosed with > > > > aspergers) he has regular shut downs in class and goes into stimulation > > > overload > > > > causig him to put his head down or crawl under the desk. The solution in > > > the > > > > schools eyes is to send him to the office where he sits and does nothing > > > or > > > > helps the secretary shred papers, and when they ask him if he is ready to > > > return > > > > to class he says no! So there he sits, usually 95 percent of the day. > > > > > > > > After missing 45 days of school last year because they would call me to > > > come and > > > > get him as they did not know how to handle him, and still refusing him an > > > eval > > > > for an IEP, principal states "I dont think he is suffering educationally" > > > > > > > hmmmmmm 45 days of school missed...so I fought and fought and fought and > > > fought > > > > and NOW he is finally getting evaluated. However they have already told > > > me he > > > > will not get a para for 1 on 1 and will most likely send him to the > > > office > > > > still! > > > > > > > > (ok whole other story) > > > > > > > > So Ashton hates going to school I literally have to bargain with him, and > > > as you > > > > know most aspies have their own rules so this morning I wrote a letter to > > > his > > > > teacher and told her if he was on his best behavior today he could go > > > with me to > > > > the basketball game tonight. Then he asked if he was good if he could > > > make a > > > > paper airplane, and I included that as well.......OK so these teachers > > > and > > > > school have never dealt with kids on the spectrum and do NOT know how nor > > > do > > > > they try to research them and yet I get a letter today as follows: > > > > > > > > Thank you for sending me a note about the reward you have promised Ashton > > > today. > > > > Let's change the wording for his behaviors from "being good" to doing his > > > first > > > > grade job. It makes the expectation specific. I use that wording for > > > Ashton and > > > > all my students in class. I always ask him what is your job right now. > > > > > > > > Therefore, if he is doing his first grade job all day then he will get to > > > go to > > > > JH basketball game with Mom. > > > > > > > > Also, your second sentence talked about playing with paper airplanes. > > > Playing > > > > with paper airplanes is not a possibility in the classroom. Please don't > > > make > > > > possibility promises connected to the classroom and his behavior. First, > > > > promising him a possibility of something is setting him up for failure. > > > Second, > > > > it is not something that you can follow through on. At conferences, let's > > > talk > > > > about rewards that are acceptable and appropriate that we all agree upon. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > I was steaming after I read this, for one I was thinking he could do a > > > paper > > > > airplane during recess as he does not go to recess, he did not want to > > > fly it > > > > just make it as he LOVES art... I am just ready to be done with this > > > school as a > > > > month ago was his birthday and I received the first letter from his > > > teacher > > > > bashing me into the ground so this is the second letter I am receiving.. > > > > > > > > The first one was his birthday and he had a major meltdown resulting in > > > missing > > > > the bus so when I took him he asked me if I could bring him cupcakes and > > > I told > > > > him I would "try" no guarantees and I knew sugar at school not a good > > > idea and I > > > > did not want to make it worse well low and behold he came home that day > > > with > > > > cupcakes.....I called and thanked the school (not to mention I had lost > > > my great > > > > uncle the day before so things were insane oh and the other 5 boys in our > > > > > > > household helps with the stress augh) The next morning I get this email > > > about > > > > how I should NEVER promise cupcakes to him and that all day became about > > > the > > > > cupcakes and how I was tearing down what they are building up....lol > > > little did > > > > they know but the next day guess what...he demanded cupcakes again ha ha > > > they > > > > did it to themselves..no one called me and asked me about the cupcakes > > > they just > > > > assumed and I told her the next day I did NOT promise them to him and > > > that with > > > > a child with ashtons difficulties you could tell him you are going to > > > disneyland > > > > in 4 months and he would tell everyone he is going everyday for the next > > > 4 > > > > months...you cannot take their word on things at least not his! > > > > > > > > My husband and I are just very upset and unhappy with how they are > > > handling > > > > things and now this.....HELP!!!! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > -mommy to Emma, Becca, , > > , , and Leah > >>

[Guest guest]

I don't think people lack empathy when they say that to us. I think they are actually feeling empathy and trying to say, "Hey, I think you are terrific in all that you do!" and actually trying to put themselves in your shoes and not seeing how it would fit. I doubt people could easily imagine having to deal with what we deal with. For some people, they just say that as a way to make conversation too. I personally don't like it when people say that because it's true that we do what we need to do. It's not like we stood in a line to volunteer for this. lol.

Roxanna

"I

predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

Re: ( ) condescending/strength

Angi,

I know what you mean about he doc saying how well you are handling everything and being embarrassed because you feel like you are falling apart inside and you know all of the mistakes you have made. I can't tell you how many times the same feelings have run through me.

I forgot to mention one thing in my last post. When other parents say they don't know how we do it, it bothers me the most. it shows that they have no empathy. Couldn't they for one minute try to think of how they would react if it was their own child. wouldn't they do it for their own kid? of course they would! they would do like we do and find the reserves of strength that they don't know they have.

( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~

> > > >

> > > > Â

> > > > Augh I am at the end of my rope so help me.

> > > > Ashton is in 1st grade and while we are still here fighting for an IEP,

> > > (he was

> > > > diagnosed a year ago with adhd, and odd and then in July diagnosed with

> > > > aspergers) he has regular shut downs in class and goes into stimulation

> > > overload

> > > > causig him to put his head down or crawl under the desk. The solution in

> > > the

> > > > schools eyes is to send him to the office where he sits and does nothing

> > > or

> > > > helps the secretary shred papers, and when they ask him if he is ready to

> > > return

> > > > to class he says no! So there he sits, usually 95 percent of the day.

> > > >

> > > > After missing 45 days of school last year because they would call me to

> > > come and

> > > > get him as they did not know how to handle him, and still refusing him an

> > > eval

> > > > for an IEP, principal states "I dont think he is suffering educationally"

> > >

> > > > hmmmmmm 45 days of school missed...so I fought and fought and fought and

> > > fought

> > > > and NOW he is finally getting evaluated. However they have already told

> > > me he

> > > > will not get a para for 1 on 1 and will most likely send him to the

> > > office

> > > > still!

> > > >

> > > > (ok whole other story)

> > > >

> > > > So Ashton hates going to school I literally have to bargain with him, and

> > > as you

> > > > know most aspies have their own rules so this morning I wrote a letter to

> > > his

> > > > teacher and told her if he was on his best behavior today he could go

> > > with me to

> > > > the basketball game tonight. Then he asked if he was good if he could

> > > make a

> > > > paper airplane, and I included that as well.......OK so these teachers

> > > and

> > > > school have never dealt with kids on the spectrum and do NOT know how nor

> > > do

> > > > they try to research them and yet I get a letter today as follows:

> > > >

> > > > Thank you for sending me a note about the reward you have promised Ashton

> > > today.

> > > > Let's change the wording for his behaviors from "being good" to doing his

> > > first

> > > > grade job. It makes the expectation specific. I use that wording for

> > > Ashton and

> > > > all my students in class. I always ask him what is your job right now.

> > > >

> > > > Therefore, if he is doing his first grade job all day then he will get to

> > > go to

> > > > JH basketball game with Mom.

> > > >

> > > > Also, your second sentence talked about playing with paper airplanes.

> > > Playing

> > > > with paper airplanes is not a possibility in the classroom. Please don't

> > > make

> > > > possibility promises connected to the classroom and his behavior. First,

> > > > promising him a possibility of something is setting him up for failure.

> > > Second,

> > > > it is not something that you can follow through on. At conferences, let's

> > > talk

> > > > about rewards that are acceptable and appropriate that we all agree upon.

> > > > Thanks,

> > > >

> > > > I was steaming after I read this, for one I was thinking he could do a

> > > paper

> > > > airplane during recess as he does not go to recess, he did not want to

> > > fly it

> > > > just make it as he LOVES art... I am just ready to be done with this

> > > school as a

> > > > month ago was his birthday and I received the first letter from his

> > > teacher

> > > > bashing me into the ground so this is the second letter I am receiving..

> > > >

> > > > The first one was his birthday and he had a major meltdown resulting in

> > > missing

> > > > the bus so when I took him he asked me if I could bring him cupcakes and

> > > I told

> > > > him I would "try" no guarantees and I knew sugar at school not a good

> > > idea and I

> > > > did not want to make it worse well low and behold he came home that day

> > > with

> > > > cupcakes.....I called and thanked the school (not to mention I had lost

> > > my great

> > > > uncle the day before so things were insane oh and the other 5 boys in our

> > >

> > > > household helps with the stress augh) The next morning I get this email

> > > about

> > > > how I should NEVER promise cupcakes to him and that all day became about

> > > the

> > > > cupcakes and how I was tearing down what they are building up....lol

> > > little did

> > > > they know but the next day guess what...he demanded cupcakes again ha ha

> > > they

> > > > did it to themselves..no one called me and asked me about the cupcakes

> > > they just

> > > > assumed and I told her the next day I did NOT promise them to him and

> > > that with

> > > > a child with ashtons difficulties you could tell him you are going to

> > > disneyland

> > > > in 4 months and he would tell everyone he is going everyday for the next

> > > 4

> > > > months...you cannot take their word on things at least not his!

> > > >

> > > > My husband and I are just very upset and unhappy with how they are

> > > handling

> > > > things and now this.....HELP!!!!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> > --

> > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> > , , and Leah

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hats off to you! I also feel this way after losing a child and raising his aspie daughter. When people tell me how strong I am I ask what choice do I have? I have been given this life and I live it the best I can. From: "johndrea1194@..." <johndrea1194@...> Sent: Wed, November 17, 2010 6:43:51

PMSubject: ( ) condescending/strength

This is an offshoot of the condescending letter thread. About strength......

My 12 year old has Cystic fibrosis. she was diagnosed at 9 months old. she was very sick and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. She had multipe hospitalizations between diagnosis and her 2nd birthday. We began the education that we never thought that we would need and certainly didn't want.

So many times we were asked "how do you do it" or "where do you find the strength to do all this stuff ad learn all of this" or people simply said "i don't know how you do it. i don't think i could handle that" My answer is always the same. "how do i NOT do it?" We do it because there is no other choice. Curling up in a ball or living in denial will not get 's treatments done and definately will not keep her out of the hospital. (she does still go in for a "CF tune up" every once in a while but it not as acute s it was her first 15 months with the diagnosis)

With Jonny's issues it will be the same. we will do it because it will be necesary to do it and be strong enough to handle it because there is no other option. have i cried? yup. does that make me less strong? nope.

honestly i think it sucks that i have to be this strong, but it is what it is and if i have to be, what else is there to do but be strong?

So cry and fight if that is what you have to do. the strength is in there and we will all find it as we need it because there is no other option.

mom of Jonny 6 carrier of CF, with GERD, TS, Aspergers and ADHD

And 12 with CF, CFRD, GERD, and serious sinus stuff

( ) condescending Emails from sons teacher~> > >> > > Â> > > Augh I am at the end of my rope so help me.> > > Ashton is in 1st grade and while we are still here fighting for an IEP,> > (he was> > > diagnosed a year ago with adhd, and odd and then in July diagnosed with> > > aspergers) he has regular shut downs in class and goes into stimulation> > overload> > > causig him to put his head down or crawl under the desk. The solution in> > the> > > schools eyes is to send him to the office where he sits and does nothing> > or> > > helps the

secretary shred papers, and when they ask him if he is ready to> > return> > > to class he says no! So there he sits, usually 95 percent of the day.> > >> > > After missing 45 days of school last year because they would call me to> > come and> > > get him as they did not know how to handle him, and still refusing him an> > eval> > > for an IEP, principal states "I dont think he is suffering educationally"> >> > > hmmmmmm 45 days of school missed...so I fought and fought and fought and> > fought> > > and NOW he is finally getting evaluated. However they have already told> > me he> > > will not get a para for 1 on 1 and will most likely send him to the> > office> > > still!> > >> > > (ok whole other story)> > >> > > So

Ashton hates going to school I literally have to bargain with him, and> > as you> > > know most aspies have their own rules so this morning I wrote a letter to> > his> > > teacher and told her if he was on his best behavior today he could go> > with me to> > > the basketball game tonight. Then he asked if he was good if he could> > make a> > > paper airplane, and I included that as well.......OK so these teachers> > and> > > school have never dealt with kids on the spectrum and do NOT know how nor> > do> > > they try to research them and yet I get a letter today as follows:> > >> > > Thank you for sending me a note about the reward you have promised Ashton> > today.> > > Let's change the wording for his behaviors from "being good" to doing his> > first>

> > grade job. It makes the expectation specific. I use that wording for> > Ashton and> > > all my students in class. I always ask him what is your job right now.> > >> > > Therefore, if he is doing his first grade job all day then he will get to> > go to> > > JH basketball game with Mom.> > >> > > Also, your second sentence talked about playing with paper airplanes.> > Playing> > > with paper airplanes is not a possibility in the classroom. Please don't> > make> > > possibility promises connected to the classroom and his behavior. First,> > > promising him a possibility of something is setting him up for failure.> > Second,> > > it is not something that you can follow through on. At conferences, let's> > talk> > > about rewards that are acceptable

and appropriate that we all agree upon.> > > Thanks,> > >> > > I was steaming after I read this, for one I was thinking he could do a> > paper> > > airplane during recess as he does not go to recess, he did not want to> > fly it> > > just make it as he LOVES art... I am just ready to be done with this> > school as a> > > month ago was his birthday and I received the first letter from his> > teacher> > > bashing me into the ground so this is the second letter I am receiving..> > >> > > The first one was his birthday and he had a major meltdown resulting in> > missing> > > the bus so when I took him he asked me if I could bring him cupcakes and> > I told> > > him I would "try" no guarantees and I knew sugar at school not a good> > idea and

I> > > did not want to make it worse well low and behold he came home that day> > with> > > cupcakes.....I called and thanked the school (not to mention I had lost> > my great> > > uncle the day before so things were insane oh and the other 5 boys in our> >> > > household helps with the stress augh) The next morning I get this email> > about> > > how I should NEVER promise cupcakes to him and that all day became about> > the> > > cupcakes and how I was tearing down what they are building up....lol> > little did> > > they know but the next day guess what...he demanded cupcakes again ha ha> > they> > > did it to themselves..no one called me and asked me about the cupcakes> > they just> > > assumed and I told her the next day I did NOT promise them to him

and> > that with> > > a child with ashtons difficulties you could tell him you are going to> > disneyland> > > in 4 months and he would tell everyone he is going everyday for the next> > 4> > > months...you cannot take their word on things at least not his!> > >> > > My husband and I are just very upset and unhappy with how they are> > handling> > > things and now this.....HELP!!!!> > >> >> > > >> > > > -- > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,> , , and Leah>