Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Raina, I'm glad you decided to write to us. I hope we can help in some way. I'm going to give you my take on things. First of all, don't beat yourself up for your negative feelings about your son. Feelings are what they are. What counts is what actions you take, and you are doing everything you can. I, personally, can't stand my father for very good reasons, but I go to see him anyway because it's the right thing to do. And I give myself a lot of credit for that. You're doing the same thing with your son. Second, you'd be surprised how quickly those positive feelings can develop once all the negative behavior is controlled. My daughter doesn't have AS, but she is bipolar and refused to take her meds for the best part of a year. She was already in her teens, and was kicking me hard enough to knock me down, mistreating her younger brothers all day long, and just generally destroying our family's peace. We were all walking on egg shells because the least little thing could set her off. Then, about 6 months ago, she agreed to try lithium. It's been a Godsend. I actually enjoy talking with her now, and I hug her because I want to, not because I know that as her mother it's something I have to do. Hang in there. Third, get that IEP in place. I would refuse to pick my son up from school and force them to deal with their responsibilities. Right now, by taking him home, you're making things easy for them. Your son has a federal right to a free and appropriate public education. That doesn't mean they get to walk away from him whenever giving him that education is difficult for them. The first step is making *them* responsible for him on a full-time basis so that *they* want him to have an IEP. I see this as particularly important in your case, because you and your family need the respite that knowing he's in school can give you on a daily basis. He needs to be in an educational setting that can support his needs. In our district, there are centers for emotionally disabled children whose behavior interferes with their ability to receive an education. The class sizes are small (7 or 8 kids) with two teachers. If a child is still too difficult for the school to handle in that setting, there are other programs that can deal with kids with more severe behavior issues--up to and including sending the child to a private program at the school's expense. It's out there, and your school knows it. They're just trying to keep you from accessing it because it costs them money. Fourth, you need to have some time for yourself. My therapist once told me that I was the battery that made my family run, and if I didn't recharge myself, I would " go dead, " and then we really would be in trouble. When Ashton is in school, grab a few minutes of time for yourself. Read, or hang out on the computer or any other thing that gives you some happiness. Don't feel guilty about taking time from the rest of the kids. It's actually helping your family when you give yourself enough support to continue fighting the good fight. You might also want to consider finding a therapist for yourself. Just having somebody to listen and sympathize is an enormous help. Fifth, call your county Social Services office and find out if there are any respite programs in your area (or other programs like counseling services for you that can help you). Respite can mean having someone else come into your home and watch the kids so you can get an occasional real break. When my kids were little (I have 5 who, like yours, are very close in age--and three of them have AS, while one is bipolar), I was at the breaking point. We couldn't really afford it, but my husband and I found a babysitter (for $10 an hour), who would watch the kids for 2 hours once a week. Often we just did the grocery shopping during our " date, " but it's amazing how even that feels like a luxury when normally you have to take the kids with you and they run amok in the store. I'm getting pretty long here, but I really feel for you. Having special needs kids--especially oppositional ones--is exhausting and draining. As another poster said, it does generally get better as they get older, but I know that's not really a big help when that day is years off, and you feel like you can't make it through the next hour without totally losing it. Keep posting. There's a lot of support to be had here. Sue C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Thank you soo much , I am soo glad I turned to this group for support, and thank you a million times for the help on the IEP, my husband and I are getting soooo frustrated with the school. I do not like confrontation and often like to stay on the nice side of things and slowly with the motions I am learning to get a bit of a back bone per say! I will most def take your advice and will call the groups you mentioned! Thank you so much I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it! Raina > > Raina, I'm glad you decided to write to us. I hope we can help in some way. > > I'm going to give you my take on things. First of all, don't beat yourself up for your negative feelings about your son. Feelings are what they are. What counts is what actions you take, and you are doing everything you can. I, personally, can't stand my father for very good reasons, but I go to see him anyway because it's the right thing to do. And I give myself a lot of credit for that. You're doing the same thing with your son. > > Second, you'd be surprised how quickly those positive feelings can develop once all the negative behavior is controlled. My daughter doesn't have AS, but she is bipolar and refused to take her meds for the best part of a year. She was already in her teens, and was kicking me hard enough to knock me down, mistreating her younger brothers all day long, and just generally destroying our family's peace. We were all walking on egg shells because the least little thing could set her off. Then, about 6 months ago, she agreed to try lithium. It's been a Godsend. I actually enjoy talking with her now, and I hug her because I want to, not because I know that as her mother it's something I have to do. Hang in there. > > Third, get that IEP in place. I would refuse to pick my son up from school and force them to deal with their responsibilities. Right now, by taking him home, you're making things easy for them. Your son has a federal right to a free and appropriate public education. That doesn't mean they get to walk away from him whenever giving him that education is difficult for them. The first step is making *them* responsible for him on a full-time basis so that *they* want him to have an IEP. I see this as particularly important in your case, because you and your family need the respite that knowing he's in school can give you on a daily basis. He needs to be in an educational setting that can support his needs. In our district, there are centers for emotionally disabled children whose behavior interferes with their ability to receive an education. The class sizes are small (7 or 8 kids) with two teachers. If a child is still too difficult for the school to handle in that setting, there are other programs that can deal with kids with more severe behavior issues--up to and including sending the child to a private program at the school's expense. It's out there, and your school knows it. They're just trying to keep you from accessing it because it costs them money. > > Fourth, you need to have some time for yourself. My therapist once told me that I was the battery that made my family run, and if I didn't recharge myself, I would " go dead, " and then we really would be in trouble. When Ashton is in school, grab a few minutes of time for yourself. Read, or hang out on the computer or any other thing that gives you some happiness. Don't feel guilty about taking time from the rest of the kids. It's actually helping your family when you give yourself enough support to continue fighting the good fight. You might also want to consider finding a therapist for yourself. Just having somebody to listen and sympathize is an enormous help. > > Fifth, call your county Social Services office and find out if there are any respite programs in your area (or other programs like counseling services for you that can help you). Respite can mean having someone else come into your home and watch the kids so you can get an occasional real break. When my kids were little (I have 5 who, like yours, are very close in age--and three of them have AS, while one is bipolar), I was at the breaking point. We couldn't really afford it, but my husband and I found a babysitter (for $10 an hour), who would watch the kids for 2 hours once a week. Often we just did the grocery shopping during our " date, " but it's amazing how even that feels like a luxury when normally you have to take the kids with you and they run amok in the store. > > I'm getting pretty long here, but I really feel for you. Having special needs kids--especially oppositional ones--is exhausting and draining. As another poster said, it does generally get better as they get older, but I know that's not really a big help when that day is years off, and you feel like you can't make it through the next hour without totally losing it. > > Keep posting. There's a lot of support to be had here. > > Sue C. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Thank you Sue, your advice was amazingly helpful and most esp the IEP issues! wow this has been our most difficult hurdle! He is on a 504 but that does nothing for him and its sooooo frustrating! I dont want to have to go pick him up when he acts out I just hate when they call me to tell me what he has done and I know what kind of a handful he can be with me and how much of a burden and how difficult it is for me to help him and I feel guilty so I go get him! Yet I get a " talking " to at the end of the year that I should not be picking him up as they thing he acts out because he knows he is going to get to go home....HMMM then why call me? AUGH! When he becomes unmanageable their means to an end was to put him in a 12 by 12 room callede the recovery room, where in a month he managed to break 2 pairs of his glasses as he was sooo mad to be in there..its pointless as there is a recovery teacher that sits at her desk and eats and reads magazines! He still has accidents at school and this leads to alot of teasing wheere in return he lashes out and becomes uncontrollable.. He missed 45 days of school last year (kinder) and can you beleive the principal looked me in the face when I said I wante him on an IEP and said " we dont think he is struggling educationally " and when I said he needed a para educator to be with him one on one to divert his attention she said " unless he needs to be diapered or is in a wheelchair we dont have that kind of funding to give him a special teacher " AUGH!!!!!!!!!!! At the end of the year after fighting for the IEP since start of school I went to the head of the special ed dept and they then had come to an agreement to get him evaluated......NOW they want a diagnosis of the Aspergers before they can move forward...??? he has had a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and from my understanding that is plenty and even at that they HAVE to do it because I want it done! We are sooo ready to move or change districts at this point hwoever if we do we are taking all 6 kids and that would be soo hard on my other children and once again here they are sacrificing for Ashotn and I dont want the resentment to escalate even more! Thank you for all of your advice Sue! you are the best! Raina > > Raina, I'm glad you decided to write to us. I hope we can help in some way. > > I'm going to give you my take on things. First of all, don't beat yourself up for your negative feelings about your son. Feelings are what they are. What counts is what actions you take, and you are doing everything you can. I, personally, can't stand my father for very good reasons, but I go to see him anyway because it's the right thing to do. And I give myself a lot of credit for that. You're doing the same thing with your son. > > Second, you'd be surprised how quickly those positive feelings can develop once all the negative behavior is controlled. My daughter doesn't have AS, but she is bipolar and refused to take her meds for the best part of a year. She was already in her teens, and was kicking me hard enough to knock me down, mistreating her younger brothers all day long, and just generally destroying our family's peace. We were all walking on egg shells because the least little thing could set her off. Then, about 6 months ago, she agreed to try lithium. It's been a Godsend. I actually enjoy talking with her now, and I hug her because I want to, not because I know that as her mother it's something I have to do. Hang in there. > > Third, get that IEP in place. I would refuse to pick my son up from school and force them to deal with their responsibilities. Right now, by taking him home, you're making things easy for them. Your son has a federal right to a free and appropriate public education. That doesn't mean they get to walk away from him whenever giving him that education is difficult for them. The first step is making *them* responsible for him on a full-time basis so that *they* want him to have an IEP. I see this as particularly important in your case, because you and your family need the respite that knowing he's in school can give you on a daily basis. He needs to be in an educational setting that can support his needs. In our district, there are centers for emotionally disabled children whose behavior interferes with their ability to receive an education. The class sizes are small (7 or 8 kids) with two teachers. If a child is still too difficult for the school to handle in that setting, there are other programs that can deal with kids with more severe behavior issues--up to and including sending the child to a private program at the school's expense. It's out there, and your school knows it. They're just trying to keep you from accessing it because it costs them money. > > Fourth, you need to have some time for yourself. My therapist once told me that I was the battery that made my family run, and if I didn't recharge myself, I would " go dead, " and then we really would be in trouble. When Ashton is in school, grab a few minutes of time for yourself. Read, or hang out on the computer or any other thing that gives you some happiness. Don't feel guilty about taking time from the rest of the kids. It's actually helping your family when you give yourself enough support to continue fighting the good fight. You might also want to consider finding a therapist for yourself. Just having somebody to listen and sympathize is an enormous help. > > Fifth, call your county Social Services office and find out if there are any respite programs in your area (or other programs like counseling services for you that can help you). Respite can mean having someone else come into your home and watch the kids so you can get an occasional real break. When my kids were little (I have 5 who, like yours, are very close in age--and three of them have AS, while one is bipolar), I was at the breaking point. We couldn't really afford it, but my husband and I found a babysitter (for $10 an hour), who would watch the kids for 2 hours once a week. Often we just did the grocery shopping during our " date, " but it's amazing how even that feels like a luxury when normally you have to take the kids with you and they run amok in the store. > > I'm getting pretty long here, but I really feel for you. Having special needs kids--especially oppositional ones--is exhausting and draining. As another poster said, it does generally get better as they get older, but I know that's not really a big help when that day is years off, and you feel like you can't make it through the next hour without totally losing it. > > Keep posting. There's a lot of support to be had here. > > Sue C. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2010 Report Share Posted September 25, 2010 Raina, Do you know if you have an advocacy group in your state? We have a group here in MN called PACER. It's a free service, but they know the laws and can even come to the school to help you through meetings and such. My son had a violent period last year and the sending him home definitely made it worse because that's exactly what he wanted. And he made the connection pretty darn quick that if he acted out then he got to come home! There are rules and laws about "recovery" rooms and you need an advocate to tell you about them and make sure that that room is being used properly. And, yes, he's struggling educationally! His behavior is obstucting his learning and they have to do something about it. And, yes, as far as I know, they HAVE to do the testing if you request it. You need to request that the autism specialist for your district be involved in that testing and that a FULL behavioral assessment is either done by them or that they pay for one. I am going through these struggles too with our son who is in 4th grade and was diagnosed with AS last year, so I'm right there with you. Be prepared for a million meetings. But, hopefully you can get them to do the right thing for your son! If you have questions or anything, just ask! Hugs!! Beth ( ) Re:Newbie and need HELP! Thank you Sue,your advice was amazingly helpful and most esp the IEP issues! wow this has been our most difficult hurdle! He is on a 504 but that does nothing for him and its sooooo frustrating! I dont want to have to go pick him up when he acts out I just hate when they call me to tell me what he has done and I know what kind of a handful he can be with me and how much of a burden and how difficult it is for me to help him and I feel guilty so I go get him! Yet I get a "talking" to at the end of the year that I should not be picking him up as they thing he acts out because he knows he is going to get to go home....HMMM then why call me? AUGH!When he becomes unmanageable their means to an end was to put him in a 12 by 12 room callede the recovery room, where in a month he managed to break 2 pairs of his glasses as he was sooo mad to be in there..its pointless as there is a recovery teacher that sits at her desk and eats and reads magazines! He still has accidents at school and this leads to alot of teasing wheere in return he lashes out and becomes uncontrollable..He missed 45 days of school last year (kinder) and can you beleive the principal looked me in the face when I said I wante him on an IEP and said "we dont think he is struggling educationally" and when I said he needed a para educator to be with him one on one to divert his attention she said "unless he needs to be diapered or is in a wheelchair we dont have that kind of funding to give him a special teacher" AUGH!!!!!!!!!!! At the end of the year after fighting for the IEP since start of school I went to the head of the special ed dept and they then had come to an agreement to get him evaluated......NOW they want a diagnosis of the Aspergers before they can move forward...??? he has had a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and from my understanding that is plenty and even at that they HAVE to do it because I want it done!We are sooo ready to move or change districts at this point hwoever if we do we are taking all 6 kids and that would be soo hard on my other children and once again here they are sacrificing for Ashotn and I dont want the resentment to escalate even more! Thank you for all of your advice Sue! you are the best!Raina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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